Fear.

I wonder since when this feeling really started gripping me.

I wonder since when so much of what I do or rather don't do has been dictated by it.

Even the smallest of things, the most insignificant of things seem to be affected by it, and when I realise it, take a step back and look at it, it is truly mind boggling.

Oddly, it took me watching the person that I was back when I did youtube videos to really reflect on who I am now a little.

Even something as mundane as reinstalling a FEP sheet on my resin 3d printer, something that I've done at least twice to date is causing me to lock up and go into inaction.

Why?

Because of fear.

Really doesn't make a lot of sense I know, but I think I fear making mistakes. I fear fucking up. I wanna do things perfectly, so I build up so much expectations to do things perfectly to the point where even thinking of what can go wrong paralyses me.

Yes, even for something as simple and mundane as re-installing a FEP sheet on a 3d printer, something that I have definitely done before.

When I caught myself having thoughts of procastination to do it some other time because I'm scared of fucking it up, is when I know that something is wrong with me.

In the end I just went through with it and... nothing went wrong. It worked just fine. 

Sure I felt a little bit intimidated by it the entire time, but again, the words I tell others and myself, a single mistake (the word failure is too harsh) is hardly ever catastrophic.

And here it is after all that, re-installed and working.

Why am I so afraid? Why am I so scared?

Why am I like this now, so afraid to mess up to the point where I don't even get anything done at all?

Whatever happened to my more devil may cry attitude?

I used to be braver, more brazen, why am I more sheepish now?

I think more importantly, how do I be braver? is it because I've been faced with way too much failure lately? has that stripped away my confidence and my bravado?

What kind of steps should I take to really reclaim my life and my personality? 

I don't really know but at the same time... I feel weirdly at peace knowing that I at least know what it is all this time.

I'm scared.

The Unsettling Feeling of Forgetting Something Important

I don't really know what this feeling is.

I am...How do I explain it?

I guess the best way I can kind of explain it is that I am... feeling... you know, uneasy.

The kind of feeling you get that feels like you're missing something, you know, that you're meant to be doing something or remembering something, but you just aren't.

But no matter how hard I think about it, I can't come up with anything that I'm missing, yet I can't shake this feeling... 

What is it? I don't know.

Is it anxiety?

Is it me?

A feeling like I'm forgetting something?

It just feels that way.

If I think about it logically, sure I guess, but from a feelings, emotional level, it's just, it bugs me, It lives not even in my head but my soul, rent free.

I can't turn on my Unreal Engine project without feeling like, oh, this isn't exactly what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment because I've got stuff left over, which I should be working on.

I guess I should go through my emails to try and see if I'm forgetting something, maybe.

I guess a good first step, if I'm truly concerned about it, is to go through the emails sent to me by NBC, because as far as I can think about it, the only thing I'm missing at the moment is taxation period, right?

Just for me to submit my audited documents over to them, bank account statements, any expenditures and, you know, invoices and whatnot.

But yeah.

Oh, man, I don't know.

It bugs me.... I can't exactly figure out why.

Blog, the Decompression Chamber.

 Suddenly finding myself wanting to sit down and write. I feel like recently people have been talking to me just a bit too much every waking hour that I don't really have enough time for myself and my thoughts to really simmer and just.... you know, be one with it or something.

I feel a bit pent up and cooped up mentally, and even a short break of a day away from family hasn't been sufficient enough for me to really recover. I'm hoping brain dumping like this by myself in a space where people are unlikely to bother me will yield better results.

I understand that my family wants me, they need me, I'm useful, my daughter lover me and wants to spend time with me etc, but man... I don't feel very well built for this kind of interaction. between family and parents and Wilson, I find myself lacking enough space to think for myself and to really... idk unpack? decompress? maybe decompress is a good work right now, coz I am feeling quite a bit high pressurised between expecting a new family member soon and just worrying about life and finances etc.

I mean when I can't even pull 32k steady it just puts me in a very difficult position. I'm very tempted to drop that amount to something like 27 or 28, at least not having the 3 up front makes it easier for my peers over in SEA to swallow.

Ah... I don't know. honestly said, I don't even know how Christine can operate the way she does hahaha. I know that each and every one of us is different, but I really do feel like someone who needs silence and alone time way more than the next man.

I mean, I guess it's been a bit extra stressful as well knowing that my repairs thus far have been mostly bust, and I've just been losing a lot of motivation and confidence in all the things that I know I'm usually good at and enjoy. 

I guess I'm kinda second guessing myself in that sense.

You should know as well that alcohol intake during this period has increased substantially; not proud of it, but it does provide a nice temporary respite from... well, I guess myself... and the noise.

Kinda feels like tomorrow when I wake up the status quo will continue, but at least I'm trying right? At least I'm trying to just make it from day to day without just.... collapsing and imploding on myself.

Catharsis Sneak Attack?

 Life isn't perfect

Life isn't glamorous

But I'm happy.

Today's a bit of a weird day. It's a bit of a day of.... appreciation you know? I'm genuinely happy.

Yeah, things don't work out according to our plans or like.... our fantasies of the future, but for what it is, I can look back at all the things that have happened and I can gladly say that I'm happy that they happened the way they did, good or bad.

I really don't know what brought this on, but for the first time in a long time, I am genuinely smiling at where I am now.

Maybe because of the long break I've taken off work, the little things I've done here and there to try and enrich my life, maybe it's just appreciating family and my time with them....

Yeah, I'm happy. Feels weird for me to say it because I usually try and follow up with some sort of... worry or something, but at least at this current point in time, I'm contended and I'm happy... and I feel fulfilled.

Life is strange.

I try my best, everyday.

You know, I didn't really expect to write back again so soon but it just really feels like... I'm awaiting the results of an exam or something, even though it's nothing really all that serious.

It's not all that fatal but for me in my head right now it's REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY.

Maybe in like a sea of things that I feel hasn't really been going right, something big like this wear I pour so much of my life and soul into it... even though it's not exactly something that can't be fixed without fatal outcome is just... I don't know, it's just so important to me and my mental state of things right now.

Like yeah, I'm just in a god damn mood where I need things to start working and going in my favour without fucking up ever fucking 5 centimeters along the path you know?

It's a different kind of stress. I am stressed. I want things to work out the way I... well envision them to and when they don't as much as I try not to, they really fucking hit hard on me.

As terrible as it sounds, this kind of also reminds me of how it was with my ex. I really wanted everything to work out, I envisioned everything, and when it didn't, I really REALLY took it hard on the chin, I'm not even sure if I fully recovered from it a decade and a bit on from when we last said our goodbyes.

I kinda feel like this is also one of the root reasons as to why I burn out so easily. Whether I choose to admit to it or not, I sometimes put a lot of stake into the things that I do to make me happy and when it doesn't turn out, I just get epically downed by it... in a way a little bit of a glass cannon if you will you know? I set things up to the best of my ability for like success and everything but when it doesn't turn out and I mean life is just like that sometimes, I just... get ultra bummed over it.

Like ok, even if Wilson doesn't get the visa by tomorrow, it really isn't the end of the world. He MIGHT get it maybe monday or tuesday, in which it's still possible for him to fly on down to Melbourne and while he may not be able to attend GCAP, he may still be able to be around for like Parallels and Pax Aus you know? it still is fine, salvage what's left as Chad said.

It's just that whole... not working according to the plan that I had in my head that really fucks with me.

This whole thing that is happening now is just like a little bit of intervention with myself and you know... psychiatry to just...check in with myself every now and again.

ARGH, but even right now, right now even as I tell myself it doesn't matter, I can feel it in my heart, in my head, in my chest man, the trepidation. THE UNCERTAINTY. The just... hint of despair even though I know LOGICALLY IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

It's REALLY JUST THAT I NEED SOMETHING RIGHT TO HAPPEN RIGHT ABOUT NOW, THAT'S JUST IT OKAY.

Not that my life is like a massive shithole or anything, I have a LOT GOING FOR ME AND I'M A FUCKING BLESSED GUY BUT I DON'T KNOW OK. MAYBE I JUST PUT MYSELF ON THIS KIND OF PEDESTAL OF ACHIEVEMENT. THAT I HAVE TO GET THINGS RIGHT OR ELSE KIND OF THING, PEOPLE WILL SUFFER PEOPLE ARE DEPENDING ON ME ETC ETC AH.

Yeah It's probably a lot of that. I put a lot of pressure and responsibility on myself, even though I know that it's really unwarranted. I'm harder on myself harder than anyone else out there ever will be.

I just have to tell myself that it's okay. The same thing that I tell my wife and daughter, I have to be okay with myself (hard to do). I have to be okay with failure. A single failure rarely means a catastrophic ending (I've written in about this before). Just because it isn't perfect or how I envisioned it to go down doesn't mean that it's going to flop hard, doesn't mean that it's absolutely balls, doesn't mean that I'm worthless and am doing the wrong thing.

I am doing the best that I can in the ways that I know how.
I am trying to be the best friend that I can be,
I am trying to be the best husband that I can be,
I am trying to be the best father that I can be,
I am trying to be the best son that I can be,

I am trying to be the best sibling that I can be,

I am trying to be the best boss that I can be,

All while trying to retain my own sanity and try and take care of myself, my mind, my interests, my hearts....

And I can tell you... it ain't easy.

Why can't I get a bit of a break?

I'll make it a short session today. I originally wanted to write upstairs from the 17th floor, but turns out someone was in the PC room.

Not sure if it was dad, kinda has to be, no one else would sleep there but yeah, means I'm not using the room to do any writing is all.

Anyway, I think I've been wanting to write on my blog for a while now. It's been a REALLY hectic past few days to say the least, with a lot of things going on that absolutely begged for my attention.

I had to deal with a lot of administration issues with the company to start off with. I say issues but I think it's basically just pretty standard stuff, just stuff that I'm not used to and does very well at throwing me into a bit of that uncomfortable territory.

Then there was the loan of the new house we were supposed to buy and all the trials and tribulations that come with it. Honestly, I'm not against the idea at all, but to say that my mind was absolutely cluttered with too much other stuff that I am unable to give it much thought or attention no matter how much it begged for it is a bit of an understatement..

The elephant in the room is the lack of clients we've been having since the middle of the year. It's the start of October now and that honestly hasn't really changed all that much. granted, I have more than enough leeway built over the previous years to clear us for the year, but it still makes me just that tad bit more uncomfortable as no matter what, it would be ending the year in a little bit of that red.

It doesn't exactly help that our family trip to Japan wasn't what I'd call peaceful. The theme within the last couple of months have just been.... things requiring my attention, left and right. Little things but they pile up and burden me nonetheless. It doesn't help that the flight was delayed 5 hours or that the days leading up to the trip were fraught with just little clashes here and there whether it's with my parents and my sister, Rei and Eloise or me with Christine, my parents or whatever else... Honestly past few months have felt like this massive long form test of me.

I served as the driver for the Japan trip, and while I don't normally mind, it would at least be a little bit nice if that were acknowledged a little bit more in giving me a bit more time to chill and rest, or at least listen to what I want to while in the car. I mean it wasn't all that terrible inside, but combine that, driving in a foreign country, driving a huge alphard into said country that is normally dominated by "kei" cars, and roads being pretty much 1.2x the width of malaysian roads but expecting to fit two cars in a two way fashion, the gps just sending me to really obscure and tiny roads... man it has been stressful.

And when I'm not driving it has also been stressful watching my sister and parents just have little tiffs and arguments with each other, proceed to drag me into it... really not great.

Then the esim that I got for Christine wasn't working with her phone in Japan, so I had to spend my early days just chatting with customer service to run for a refund on that, then get a new esim and hope to hell that it worked (it did) then near the end of our trip realising that the Sim cards that I GOT for the rest of us was about 5-6GB short of what was advertised before the throttling kicked in, then needing to contact the seller, him being a bitch about it saying he would totally win a dispute against me, then me having to contact shopee on multiple occasions, have all the outcomes be basically just misunderstood and not something that was helpful, do that 4-5 times, end up having to call their customer support (I have platinum luckily) to explain the whole thing to them before reaching an outcome I can accept, reaching back to Malaysia gathering said sim cards and returning all of them for a full refund

Then I had to deal with submitting the insurance claims for our AirAsia flight and it doesn't help that people were just delaying what I needed non stop except that this time it has mostly been just family (sis)

Then just as I let up just a little bit in preparation for my perhaps true holiday which is Australia and Bangkok, I run into issues with Wilson's Visa just not passing through the application even though I submitted exactly the same documents in (I suspect that my frequency of travel to Australia has something to do with my ease of application) and then realising that we can't apply for a new ETA Visa until 7 days from letter of rejection, then visiting the embassy only to get turned away (that's 12 ringgit in parking we won't get back), then needing to international call Australia like 4-5 times (thank god my phone bill is now covered by the company, I refuse to look at how much that's going to cost) because in at least 2 occasions the agent just hung up on me midway (always the first call that I make after something happens, what's up with that), then needing to apply for a new visa that I SINCERELY HOPES WORKS OUT...

Dude, just writing this out gives me so much stress I'm not even kidding. My jaw actually hurts from tensing; it's sore.

I know a lot of what I'm writing here probably won't even make a lot of sense, I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind as I go. I'm just SEMI hoping that tomorrow morning Wilson will get the email that the visa has been approved without the need for us to call in to the home affairs ministry to ask for it to be expedited. I sincerely hope so but something tells me it's not going to be that easy.

Like I get why the visa was rejected initially right. What works for me doesn't work for him, Ok fine, at least give me an opportunity to upload more supporting documents instead of straight up turning down my application with no chance of appeal and put me on a 7 day cooldown period. Seriously, not cool (pun unintended).

In the end I managed to get a personal letter specifically mentioning he's coming in to attend GCAP by the CEO of GCAP, and I myself wrote up a fucking company letter with all the details stating that he's coming with me to attend said 3 conference, and after that we're leaving for another conference in Bangkok, you don't have to worry about us overstaying, I'm going to make absolute sure of that, just FUCKING APPROVE OF THE GOD DAMN VISAS, I JUST WANT SOMEHING TO GO SMOOTHLY FOR ONCE IN THESE PAST FEW MONTHS.

Oh my god my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. It's seriously sore as hell. What initially was supposed to be this tiny little rant about the situation as it is now has just ballooned into this massive rant/ thought dump. I mean good thing it's going up on my blog and not just Socmed I guess.

Still, it really just shows me how something like my blog is really just so irreplaceable as an outlet to talk to. It really is helpful. Better than rant dumping on friends I suppose.

Also my mental state hasn't been the greatest to work in fact I haven't really done any development work for almost a year, so that's pretty royally fucked as well.

Side Note: Today I changed the cooling interface on my laptop out from the stock liquid metal to a phase change material, PTM 7950 of course. Ok, technically I topped up the liquid metal once, but the pump out effect was WAY too pronounced for me to keep using liquid metal on this laptop. The LM would just squeeze out of the hottest spots of the chip (boiling?) and the temperatures would skyrocket from not doing anything much. Heck, there's even like a freaking black/darkish mark on the chip and Heat sink where the pump out effect happened and the chip ran it's hottest.

In the end something like LM works well for chips that don't run too hot IMHO. IF you can somehow work below that pump out/ boiling temperature, then that works best, but for something like my 13700HX, switching to something a little bit more traditional really works best.

P.S. I still want to fix the old illegear laptop.

Who knew failure could feel this good?

It's definitely been quite a week. Taking a long break from work (still am), coming back from Unreal Fest Bali, just kinda... coming in terms a little bit with what I am a little now... and I didn't quite realise that just by letting go by so much that weighs on me, be it work or life or just character, I've become quite... lost.

It manifests itself in the form of... absentmindedness, lack of clarity, fear, uncertainty, just a general... lostness I guess.

I mean don't get me wrong, it's kinda terrible, and I'm sure it sounds terrible, it kinda is, but it's kinda refreshing in a weird way being this... broken and vulnerable, not having my mind just being wired up all the time and just yeah...just allowing myself to be kinda... shit at life you know.

Even the things in the past where I KNOW I wouldn't have batted an eyelid like repair works or requests have just got me... second guessing myself, and... I dunno, kinda just getting used to the idea of saying no, or just being doubtful and not so gung ho all the time, accepting things I previously would have "known" would've been a cakewalk for me is honestly liberating. 

Not having to do so much, having less responsibilities is just liberating and being able to mentally let go of so many things has been liberating. Being SHIT at things I normally would be on top of no questions asked is liberating.

Heck, I didn't even get my departure and arrival times proper lmao. Something that definitely got WTF looks from other people onto me, yet as I said, it just feels good, at least for now.

Not trying to be the fastest, the best, the smartest, not trying to behave as if I've ALWAYS got something to prove has been nice. Being human and fucking up more often than not has been nice.

Of course, eventually I do need to get myself back together again (accounts and payroll and just generally being an adult, a father and a husband and all that) but yeah, it's kinda weird but at least for a little while, I kinda enjoyed being a bit of a loser.

Ok I know why.

 Yeah ok, the blunder with the 3d printer was my own. The past few days has just been ones of just lack of concentration and just feels like it buzzes by without much thought. In the end I messed up by not connecting the fan back to where it belongs.

Cable on the left was supposed to be at the middle instead. F.

In the end that blunder has caused me bigger as while I was finessing with it, I guess I did something bad and I ended up damaging the sub board. Now whenever I power the printer up, the MOSFET above the connector I mistakenly connected it to is showing signs of a short as it heats up immensely quickly and at VERY high temperatures.

Instantly made my hand reel away the moment the printer powered up.

So yeah, dead printer.

The good news is that I've gotten in contact with the SOVOL tech support team and they've been nice and frankly extremely helpful. They're sending me a new sub board and cable free of charge so that's really good news for me. I mean it doesn't cost me very much to get the new board even if I had to buy it myself.

I mean yeah. This time I got lucky. Very lucky. I didn't expect SOVOL to offer me the parts for free.

Just gotta be much ore careful from now onwards I guess. I've already scratched up my new flat PEI bed due to a mistakenly uncommented Z -5 movement. 

Pain.

It's not too central to the print bed at least. Yeah. I mean... lucky and unlucky. Just gotta wait for the new extruder board in the meantime.