Reminiscent

I miss the good ol days... finding this and reading it sure brings back a lot of pleasant memories... before most of us went our own separate paths of course.... then things get complicated as well... heh... the simple life, how i miss you.

AFK BRB

Kay. I know i should write in here more often. I'm actually spending more time updating my deviantArt account more than my blog's lol... which is shocking... Then again thats where i post all of my artwork nowadays... just so much effort to put them in here : P

So. Updates. Well, i've moved into a new place. Easily 3 times bigger than my previous one, but seems like the room opposite us might not like us already. Apparently we're noisy XD Screw you bitch, i'm not shutting up >O

Oh, i'll get pictures up (eventually). My internet there is so much faster than what it was at Home@Flinders... Oh i didn't even mention where i was now o.o UniLodge on Flinders : D

I actually asked them if i could move my stuff in temporarily first because the places were literarily beside each other but seems like they couldn't do that so with the help of good friend David Zhang, we had to move the stuff all the way down to Caulfield (friggin 30 minutes drive away) and then back up again a few days later. Felt guilty, but in these situations there's not much i can do about it. Seriously.

Hmm... At the moment, this weekend will be busy busy time for me. I have plenty of assignments to get done, and my SEF (Software Engineering Fundamentals) course coordinator was kind enough to give me till monday to hand it up T A T kind man he is.

Anyway, when things are a bit more settled i'll have more pictures up. There's also going to be a new addition in the family, though inorganic >.> My cousin's getting a new desktop ~_~ anyway, thats all for now... i guess o.o

Steve Conte - No Reply

Like the perfect ending
It won't be too long
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone
In time, I pray you'll forgive me
Now you know the man I am
Can you forgive me?

I fall
Like the sands of time
Like some broken rhyme
At feet no longer there

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
This was my life
It never made much sense to me

With every lie that I lived
Part of me would fade
Into this empty shadow I've become
And now I feel so numb
I no longer know myself
But I still know you

I call
And there's no reply
Like some phantom cry
On ears too far away

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you
Here lies my life
It never felt that real to me

You'll always mean so much to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you meant to me

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you

You in my life
It all meant so much more to be

An oldie but a goodie :3

mmmm~

You know, i think that motivation coems in many shapes and forms. Some people get it from the little things that happen, some people get it from other people. I guess mine came in the latter form, from a person i didn't quite expect as well.

Its funny though. all that she said was pretty spot on, pointing out all my flaws on the spot. Is it weird to want yourself to be told you have problems? maybe i'm a masochist after all haha.

Still, i owe it to her for being able to read me so well to the point that she understands myself more than me xD. Indeed, i'm quite the insecure person as i found out, and perhaps i'm just trying to fill that void with something like love from another. But indeed, how can someone love another if they don't love themselves. I've been trying so hard to get what i really want that i lack the insight to see what i'm actually doing to those which i care for. Strange isn't it, that you hurt the people you care for the most out of the best of intentions.

Ah well, that's that. I gotta learn to be a bit more of an egoistical bastard apparently, and frankly, i think i like the sounds of that. Too long have i adhered to conform to what other people think of me and saying that i don't. Strange yet true.

Anyway, i seem to be in high spirits again. alls good :D

Thanks Joyce. I owe you one.

Fragile.

Its hard to really expect people to know what i'm feeling at a certain given time i guess. In a way i guess its too much to ask of people to know that you're not happy at the moment or displeased without telling them face to face...

I usually don't say this kind of thing in a public area, but i don't really care what others think in a way, yet i do as well. sigh.

I'm so easily broken. I know i can be there when people are down. When someone's not feeling up, i try my best to cheer them up, and i try to do it unconditionally and understandingly. The only thing which i seem to not get is a reciprocation however. Maybe because i come off that i don't need it. Truth said, as above, i'm so ever easily broken. Certain small problems can send me out in a mess and sometimes i just need someone to tell me its okay and pick me back onto my feet to have at it again, yet i lack even that. Its difficult trying to go at it alone in away, yet i myself know that its myself to blame as well, that this happens.

If you're talking bout things like girlfriends or what not, i'm picky. I'm really picky. I'm almost like a girl in a way, it can't be just anyone... in a way, i guess you can say that my messed up ness is also like a girl's... bah. In any other case, i know that part of that which i have no one to put me back up is because i reject them. Self destruction perhaps.

Yes, thats another thing. I don't know, maybe i come off as a person who is self reliant, reliable, can take care of myself, able to handle emergencies, whatever distorted perfection you can think up off. Maybe thats why the ones who come to me are those who need the support as well.... How can i support someone else when i can't even support myself (so i say yet i still help others.) Asking someone with a strong will of heart and mind to get with someone as weak and broken like myself almost seems like an impossible task, as proven countless amounts of times.

Its nice to have someone who is reliant and reliable, but also needs help from time to time. I myself perhaps fall into that case, and i as well, look for someone like that. I really can't be there for someone 24/7, i can't stand someone who whines about their problems to me all 24/7 when i have problems of my own, argh i just feel like crap. Again, perhaps i just need someone to calm me down and blank my mind. Someone to tell me its alright. Still, in the end, at this very moment, i stand alone.

and the rest... is silence.

Wow. I don't know what to say... If there was anything that quite described how i feel now, it would be blank. I do feel blank. Have i underestimated this course of mine too much? i really don't know, but what felt like good work, turned out to be horrible work.

Maybe its because their standards are high, but i think its mainly down to me not putting in enough effort. People tell me i put too much pressure and guilt on myself too much sometimes, but i think that they're the truth. I can't blame the subject for being hard if people can pass it right...? 

Okay, so what am i on about? i'm shocked that the only subject that i "passed" this sem is Games Studio 1. Okay, so its not a pass. Its a nice Credit. But when everything else is crap (I have no idea what NN means but i don't think its good right...? it doesn't show my grade! D:)

I already posted before that i skipped on my DCNC exam. Deep down i guess i wanna sit in a corner and completely blank out.... but i don't think i wanna allow myself to do that. Its way too pathetic to just wallow in my own failures... yet i feel like i wanna do it. I also feel like i wanna cry and scream as loud as i can and hope that everything will be alright after i do it but i doubt that'll happen either.

Also, i have failed a subject before, but not 3/4.  I really feel lost at the moment. I love this course. I wouldn't change it for anything else, but i can't even excel at what i love doing? sounds a bit wrong...

Once again feeling a bit depressed and envious of those around me. I don't really have anyone to push me onwards and forwards at the moment, and i do feel like i'm living life by the day. It almost feels as if i don't care for tomorrow deep down, and if ended here, i'd be content. HELL NO, OF COURSE I WON'T BE CONTENT, so says my mind, but my heart thinks otherwise. What is wrong with me.

I seem to drag around a trail of failures as i move, accumulating more as i go. Disappointing. I don't know if i still have a reason to see tomorrows. I will smile for you, but not for myself. I will help you if you're in trouble, but not myself. bah. I don't even know if i'm making sense anymore... It just sucks to think that everyone around me is succeeding, while i'm here in my stunted state of mind, growing sick when people 'envy' me. 

It seems like i come off as someone who is quite accomplished, but i myself don't feel that way. Sigh. What happens now.

Kyo feat Sita - Le Chemin

Regarde-toi assise dans l'ombre
A la lueur de nos mensonges
Une main glacée jusqu'à l'ongle

Regarde toi à l'autre pôle
Fermer les yeux sur ce qui nous ronge
On a changé à la longue

{Refrain:}
On a parcouru les chemins
On a tenu la distance
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore
On a parcouru les chemins
On a souffert en silence
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore encore

Je vis dans une maison de verre
A moitié rempli de ton eau
Sans s'arrêter le niveau monte

Je suis le fantôme qui s'égare
Je suis étranger à ton coeur
Seulement regarde comme on est seul

{au Refrain, x4}

New addiction. Yes its french. Now STFU AND GO LISTEN TO IT XD

Call of Duty 5: World at War

Trailer here: http://www.gametrailers.com/player/35412.html

Fun fun. New COD game, though this time we're pushed back into what looks like the WW2 islands though we're fighting for Iwo Jima now O.o.

Yep, killing them japs xD. Looks fun from what the trailer shows so while i'm dissapointed in no modern gadgetry, i would still play it :)