Hot mess

Just a bit of writing before I do anything I guess. currently watching a bit of the walking dead and stuff, just little things I guess. I just got back from dinner with denny and the guys, and talked to Denny a little as well about our trip to Japan that will probably be happening.... kinda. At least I'd hope so.

Talked to Denny a little as well about his whole Japan reasoning thing, mainly, it's got a lot more to do with girl problems I guess. I mean, he has his share of problems that he's having, and I am as well, and well... I guess I've been thinking a lot about them recently as well

I don't know. Even if you asked me now, I don't know how much of a good answer I can give you about what I'm feeling. I'm quite convoluted and all over the place at the moment I guess. I'm not sure about how I feel about anything. I'm not sure if anything would ever come off between me and Alexis, I'm definitely sure I don't feel anything for my ex anymore, and I have no bloody idea whether I want to get into a relationship again anytime soon, I don't know what kind of girl I like anymore, I don't know whether I want to settle down or keep going and finding someone, I don't know if I even want to get married at all.

I really don't know. I like being me and the perks that come with being me and being solo. I get more time to do the things that I want to do, and always wanted to do, and I find that I don't really have that much time for these things even then. I feel that having a relationship would detract from all of this, but at the same time, I feel that it would be nice to have someone. I feel that I want to be alone, but at the same time, I feel like I want somebody there as well, and as much as I want to have somebody, that's not just anybody as well.

I'm hoping that one day I get to stumble across that person and fall hopelessly in love with them, but at the same time, I'm wishing that it doesn't happen, and I'm even taking somewhat steps to make sure that it doesn't, which in particular involves making them hate me for who I am. I want, yet I don't want.

As you can tell, yes, I'm conflicted. I really don't know. There is no straight answer that I can give you right now. This is the reason why my posts as of late have been lacking that life that I've been so used to writing, it's because it's all changing, and I don't really feel that anymore, matter of fact being of course that I really don't know what to feel anymore. I wish I could know exactly what I want right now, and you have no idea just how badly I would love to have it, but as fate would have it, it just doesn't exist.

I feel fulfilled and devoid at the same time. I feel like I'm happy and sad at the same time. Satisfied, yet so hungry for more at the same time. Achieved, yet lacking in so many ways at the same time. It's... I don't know. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. In many ways, I've kind of been pissing off Alexis as well because of that, and I think it has everything to do with this. In a way, I want things to go well between us, but in another way as well, I kind of want us to fall through and fail, with me left alone again.

I'll get back to you as soon as I find myself somewhere within the mess that I am, but I really don't think that that's anytime soon.

It's already a pain dealing with people right now, and for the most part, I just want to be left alone to my own devices.

Yet I don't. Sigh.

hamster off and out.

Needing/ Wanting

Waiting for Chad to get ready. Doing some blogging in the meantime. I was actually meant to write in yesterday, because I somewhat felt like it, and I wanted to transform that feeling at the time into words, but I guess I’ll do it here and now instead. Reason for blogging? met up with Ann yesterday.

I don’t know. Either I’m tired of dating or I just want to get shit done and over with, which is not really a good thing altogether. Doesn’t help that day by day I find myself that much more incompatible with Alexis, and we got into a semi squabble the other day, and I couldn’t be fucked talking to her right now. I’m not really in the mood for anything. Right now, despite how much I may miss love and being loved, I feel like I couldn’t be fucked getting into another relationship, and while just working may not be worth comparing to being loved, it’s something that’s at least consistent and that I can deal with right now. In short, ‘mendokusei’ or it’s such a pain to get into one right now.

Such is so that I actually felt that even though I don’t love Ann like that anymore, I didn’t think it was such a bad idea to get married to her. I’m always looking for these outgoing girls that are so much more exciting and things like that, but at the very same time, I realise that they’re not so much of women as much as they are still immature girls, and I’m not sure if that’s what I need right now. Alexis and TZ are pretty much in these categories. It’s gross stereotyping, but yes, Ann is a lot more of a woman than those two, though perhaps she does have the unfair advantage of being older than them, and even older than me.

It’s not even particularly bad to be single altogether to be honest. I’m not against the idea, though people seem to be against the idea of me being single. Bah. Mom would never let me become single for life though. She calls it being selfish that I don’t want to spend my life with anyone or getting kids, and living by myself. Maybe it is, but I don’t give a fuck right now. I have absolutely no reason to force myself into relationships. That’s just it.

There’s also that trip with Denny to Japan that may happen next year. I’ll try to save up some money beforehand for the travels. He’s pretty much needing me there as a wing man because the girl he really likes will be going there, and this is pretty much his one chance I guess to get things going right with her. She’ll be bringing her friend along as well, and from what I know she’s pretty cute as well, so… Hey. If things go to plan, I’ll be in Japan next year in a 2 guys 2 girls configuration and it’s going to be fun hahaha. I’m actually really open to that idea lol.

I don’t know. If you ask me what I want now, then I’ll tell you that I want to love and be loved. At the same time though, I want to focus on my career and doing stuff that I love, but I don’t want to be bogged down by shit like dating and this somewhat stupid compulsion that I have to do so (my parents are this close to setting me up with their friend’s daughers. please no.) Yeah. Sigh.

Life is stupid like that. I don’t like being bound by all these social conventions and norms anymore. People just don’t let me live the way that I want to live and be happy. No, I’m meant to be “normal” by society’s standards. Fuck that.

 

So yeah. Bleh sauce. Hamster off.

I miss love.

Trains. Trains today. Was riding a lot of the train today on the way back. Why am I mentioning trains so much? There were a lot of couples for some reason today, that I saw on the trains. A lot of them, and watching them kinda struck deep in me. It really did.

I’ll admit it first hand that I miss being in love. I really do. I really miss being in love. I miss interlocking your fingers with that person that you love. I miss feeling their warmth beside you as you cuddle up close to them. I miss just looking into their eyes and just all that matters for you at that moment is that smile, and you just want to see more of it. I really miss that feeling of being in love, and I miss all the things that really come in it.

Now, I know that she reads this blog, so I’m not really here to say something like how I miss her, as much as I really do miss being in love, not even a relationship per se. Even the times when we broke up after, when I was still in love with her, that was still one of the happier things for me, because at least I knew that I loved somebody back then. Nowadays, all I do is I look at these couples. I smile to myself, and can’t really stop looking at them as they enjoy each other’s company, give little pecks and kisses to each other from time to time, and just lean on each other’s shoulders. You know, the simple stuff. I look at them, but at the same time, I wanna look away.

I wanna look away because it reminds me that it’s something that I once had. I wanna look away because I don’t really have someone that I love like that right now. I look away because I know that I can’t really force whatever I have with people right now just to get that as well. It’s something that has to come naturally. Love is something that should never be forced after all. Short of talking to people about it, I just believe in writing in my blog. Partially because I know that there’s still someone who reads this, and having someone read it actually makes me feel that there’s some importance or validity in what I’m feeling, especially if there’s reoccurrence in the action.

So yeah. This is not really a plea to get back in to a relationship. It’s not a plea to say that I miss anybody. It’s not a plea to say that I love anybody. It’s just me going, I miss being in love, and just… being utterly consumed by it. I really miss that feeling.

I’m really not sure when the next time it’ll come again, and it’s a pretty sucky thing to endure, but yeah… I guess it’s just… gonna be here for a while…

Feeling sucks.

 

hamster off and out

POKEMANS!!!

Doing a bit of mobile bloggign rght now, though I'm not particularly blogging mobile for that matter. I'm just typing this in the lab from my phone using a keyboard. I finally caved in a few days go and got myself a 3ds XL and Pokemon X at the same time.

All I have to say about that is damn, that game really is addictive and you can really get hooked on to it really badly. I've been hooked onto it for a few days now, so yeah, the only thing pulling me off is my obligations elsewhere, like pretty much news readings and keeping up with my anime and TV Series (I haven't even started watching the first episode of the Walking Dead for this season as well).

Bah. I've contemplated on getting Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate for the 3ds as well, but I found out that it won't work online unless I get a Wii U as well DX So it's going to be stupid to get the game because I'm pretty much getting it to play with Eri, and post Australia, it'll just sit at home doing nothing except gathering dust, and that's not particularly cool >< such is like I guess.

Apart from that everything has been a bit on the slow front I guess. Nothing these days really seems to be worth reporting anymore. It's just like that I guess. Job is going great, everything is going great. I'm actually find myselllllf being actaully a bit unopinionated these days :| so yeah... That's kinda why I'm not really blogging recently. I've been a lot more calmer I guess... that's one way of saying it hahaha ><

Bah. I'm gonna play some pokemans now XD cya

hamster off and out

It’s you I trust, Not to walk away…

All that I believed is here with me,
All the rules I broke I couldn’t see,
I finally found out,
What it all could mean,
Because I thought that only love could lead me…

Higher than the sun,
Burned from what I’ve done,
Caught between two fires,
And it could never be,
All because of me…

You are my love,
You are my love,
You are my love,
It’s you I trust,
Not to walk away…

The hands of time stop when you’re here with me,
If I could turn them back I do it differently,
I’d show you everything you mean to me,
Because I know that only love will leave me…

Blinded by the sun,
Free from what I’ve done,
Caught between two fires,
And it could never be,
All because of me…

And I'll show you, how to be brave, get everything that you want

I can see the future in your eyes
And i know that it's not over, yeah I know we have tonight
I can see the dream come back alive and I know that it's not over
So hold me close tonight

When your heart stops and there’s no more sound
Every door locked when they shut you out, and the rain keeps on falling
I will catch you when they knock you down
And we will go on we will go until the end
We will go on we will go on until the end

And the stars wont, ever give up, ever give up on us
And I wont let ,anyone say, anyone say we can’t
And I'll show you, how to be brave, get everything that you want
We will never fade

GAH WORK OUT MOAR

Random fact/addon thing:

When I was out with Ann the other day, and I took off my jacket coz it was warm in the restaurant, she seemed quite shocked on how… big I’ve gotten. Big as in buff big. I told her that I haven’t been in the Gym though, for like months, and she seemed to not really believe me :| I also told her that I’m just flubber under the shirt, and she didn’t seem to believe me either. Apparently I look like hotness then? XD

In all seriousness though,I think I should really start losing some weight soon. My frame and body is getting bigger, and it’s really reflecting on my body weight as well ._. it’s crazy. I’m nearly 90, though I’m not even like… bulging ; w ;

 

WHY AM I SO FUCKING HEAVY. DAMN BODY.

Gonna start running again around the house or something ><

Fatty hamster off and out

The feels.

Another day, another blog post. This time, one that I actually feel like doing very much so rather than… you know… just writing for the sake of writing I guess (I feel bad from neglecting my blog at times shush). I went out with an old flame today. Which old flame you say? Ann. Yeah, Ann Nguyen, that vietnamese girl whom which I was actually slightly attracted to at the time I was dating TZ >_> Of course I didn’t tell her much about it, because hey, I knew where I stood in my relationship at the time anyway, and I was not about to do something so stupid as to mess it up.

So you’re probably wondering how it went down. Good, I guess. Good… and I should be happy, but… to be honest, I’m not. I really don’t feel anything for her anymore, and somehow, I’m really not attracted to her anymore, even though we went out on a one on one thing today (one could even call it a date, even though she has a boyfriend? weird shit huh). I call personality incompatibility maybe. She’s…. I don’t know, she’s not really the kind of girl that I look at anymore I guess… I don’t even know whether I really look at girls anymore to be honest. I feel this societal pressure to look at girls, and so I do… somewhat. I’m not saying I’m gay, because I’m not, I just… really like being alone? I guess that makes sense.

There are times when I feel like I want that company, but for the most part, I feel that I just want to really be alone and just… be a bachelor for life. Oddly something that right now in my head, and for the past few months, has been an idea that made me quite… happy. Weird huh.

Anyway, she’s been asking me quite a bit actually on when I was gonna move back to Melbourne, how’s things with my PR application… things like that… I have this feeling that she really wants me around in Melbourne so that she can actually pursue something with me… I guess. I don’t know man. Even with girls, I just feel… bored and uninspired. I really am not feeling it. I don’t really know what to make of it either… blah.

So yeah, most of the day was spent with her, doing Date-y stuff, like going for lunch together, chatting personally, taking walks and travelling, seeing places, and even slow strolls in the park together where we sort of chilled beside a lake, and me teaching her about DSLRs and understanding how to use them… All this normally, flags that would have set my heartstrings flying, especially for a girl that I used to like before. Instead, I find myself with this emptiness and this dissatisfaction in my head, and nothing really happens out of it. What do you want. That’s really all I can give you right now.

I’m not in love with TZ anymore. I’m unsure of my feelings for Alexis, because it’s very fluctuate like, and she’s a bit… restrictive of any feelings that she may have for me, and Ann? I don’t feel anything for her anymore. Do I even love anymore? am I even capable of love anymore? I don’t know. It feels like shit inside me has either died, or I’m really generally uninterested in love already, having sort of tasted what it was like before. No, it doesn’t bother me that I’m a virgin either or that I haven’t made out with any girl since TZ. Yeah. I’m 26 this year and it doesn’t bother me a single bit. Take that societal pressure.

Growing old and dying alone has always been associated with this kind of… sad thing, that no one should really go through it. I really don’t know about that though. I really don’t know. Life’s just… uninspiring right now, and the only thing I really enjoy is my work and what I do, such that I don’t really mind coping myself up in the office and just working my time away. I feel a lot more accomplished and a lot happier at times than when going out on a date… Exception maybe dates with Alexis. I still don’t know about things with her. She’s a lot younger than me, 7 years, but I don’t know… She’s not as cute or as pretty as TZ, she’s got her own thing going on at times, she’s difficult to deal with at times, a lot more temperamental, and she’s a bit blur on the advances at times… and I really don’t know how she feels about me though at times I do suspect that she likes me to. Everything is just that unknown, and even if I do know the answers, I’m not guaranteed that happiness either.

Meh. I really don’t know. I’m just… Kinda meh I guess… Inspire me. Really. Inspire me. The people I meet around me and the things I see and read don’t inspire me anymore, and I’m finding myself growing detached from the world day by day. Yet… Do I care?

No, not really. I can be a hermit for all I care.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Another two weeks at Eris

Just a little bit more blogging squeezed in to my day. I’m actually at Eri’s house right now, and will be here for awhile. This is just my second day here, and I’m probably going to end up here for at least 1-2 more weeks. Not that I mind though. There’s plenty of space and solitude around me, so that’s not too bad I guess. It’s certainly a lot more than what I had in Chad’s house at least, and I don’t really have his parents up my neck kinda here lol. The bad thing though is that the internet speed is substantially slower than it should be, so it’s kinda.. :(

Oh well. The good thing about being here as well is that I have more of an opportunity to eat healthier and also to exercise just that little bit more. In fact, I’m already stocked up for the next few days with only fruits and cereals, my usual staple diet when I’m living alone. It’s a lot more healthier than Turkish food all the time, which I will admit, while some are nice, some are not really up my alley either. That and Chad is kind of a lolly person, so we get a lot of chocolates and sweets around the house… yeah… You can somewhat see where that is going lol. At least I have my own choices to make here and no temptation to do otherwise, so I’m happy in that respect xD

I just got my IELTS results yesterday, and will be putting in my application for PR very soon I guess. I don’t know how it’s going to work out, but I guess all that I really can do now is to hope for the best. To be fair though, I don’t really mind if it falls through either, because I’ve got myself quite the comfortable life and job there in Malaysia. That said, it would still be nice to get it though. After all options are nice.

Yeah. Apart from that, I’m just floating a little in my head at the moment. My employers just changed the design of the game, so I can’t exactly continue programming that now, rather I think it’s best to go back to the drawing board and talk/discuss about it before moving on.

Oh well, that’s life. I’m just sitting here doing not much until that’s fully sorted out :|

 

Hamster off and out