Ok I know why.

 Yeah ok, the blunder with the 3d printer was my own. The past few days has just been ones of just lack of concentration and just feels like it buzzes by without much thought. In the end I messed up by not connecting the fan back to where it belongs.

Cable on the left was supposed to be at the middle instead. F.

In the end that blunder has caused me bigger as while I was finessing with it, I guess I did something bad and I ended up damaging the sub board. Now whenever I power the printer up, the MOSFET above the connector I mistakenly connected it to is showing signs of a short as it heats up immensely quickly and at VERY high temperatures.

Instantly made my hand reel away the moment the printer powered up.

So yeah, dead printer.

The good news is that I've gotten in contact with the SOVOL tech support team and they've been nice and frankly extremely helpful. They're sending me a new sub board and cable free of charge so that's really good news for me. I mean it doesn't cost me very much to get the new board even if I had to buy it myself.

I mean yeah. This time I got lucky. Very lucky. I didn't expect SOVOL to offer me the parts for free.

Just gotta be much ore careful from now onwards I guess. I've already scratched up my new flat PEI bed due to a mistakenly uncommented Z -5 movement. 

Pain.

It's not too central to the print bed at least. Yeah. I mean... lucky and unlucky. Just gotta wait for the new extruder board in the meantime.

WHY.

 I'm not gonna lie. It bothers me. It REALLY does bother me. Like why on earth is my "Tech Luck" this year just so insanely terrible? I'm not even into half of the year yet and I've already bricked my new phone from something that should be absolutely fucking routine for me, and now, my FUCKING NEW 3D PRINTER IS BRICKED.

WHY IS IT BRICKED? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

IT WAS AGAIN A SUPER FUCKING ROUTINE THING. IT WAS JUST A FILAMENT JAM. I'VE DEALT WITH FILAMENT JAMS BEFORE.

Then I go ahead and clear the fucking jam, no big deal what ever, then the part cooling fan stops working. OKAY SURE, NO PROBLEM. AGAIN, SOMETHING THAT I CAN VERY MUCH DEAL WITH, A BIT OF AN ANNOYANCE BUT NOT TOO BAD, THEN SUDDENLY! It just refuses to start.

Why.

like seriously, why.

Nothing I did was out of the ordinary in the grand scheme of what I've been doing for fucking decades. I've flashed phones all my life, never once have I bricked it yet here we are. I've serviced my printer and tore it down to kingdom come so many times and each time hasn't been a god damn issue yet... THIS ONE TIME... Just clearing a clog... and it just starts with a non working part fan, and trying to trouble shoot why the part fan isn't working... SUDDENLY JUST LEADS TO A NON WORKING FIRMWARE ON THE PRINTER.

WHY.

LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHY.

I don't get it.

I know I've been trying to chill out and what not, but these are really the things that should be performing perfectly. These are the things that should be the static values in my life you know? Just... WORKING.

YET HERE WE ARE.

FUCK.

EDIT: And OH yeah, my Jellyfin somehow has broken web access. No idea why. Fucking... YAY.

I'm not good enough.

... and that's okay. Also, at least in some things.

This phrase has a larger impact on me as opposed to something like "You're not perfect, and that's okay". I mean that's the phrase that many people normally use in this kind of situation, but because "perfect" implies something... kinda extreme in a way I feel like it's not as realistic and most people won't hit it anyway. Saying "I'm not good enough" though... that's generally something more attainable, a lower bar, something more normal.

It's all about coming to terms with myself as a person I guess. I wrote I think in a previous segment about dealing with perfectionism and so the past couple of days have just been about... not just being easy or compassionate with myself, but rather not having myself adhere to so many self imposed rules, not pushing myself too hard for no good reason I guess.

Simple things like... being ok with not being able to repair something, whether it's for myself or for a client, and just coming to terms with that easier; it's somehow really cathartic, like just letting go of the burden of identity maybe.

Not constantly min maxing my life I guess is another thing, and giving in to my wants a bit more has been another. For better or for worse, I am allowing myself to just purchase the things that I kinda feel like having in the moment, allowing myself to be a bit impulsive with my actions, and it's honestly made me a bit happier, like just not thinking too much about it for once and just going with it, like buying 24 cans of beer for myself, or not thinking too much about shipping costs, not thinking too much about ROI and value... it is somewhat liberating not gonna lie.

I am giving myself a break of half a month, starting on the 16th, and while it hasn't officially started yet, I still find myself having difficulties relaxing, like I can suddenly jolt myself being like no I have work to do, why am I relaxing I need to do x y z, until I remember that no, I should be relaxing and winding down. Not relaxing is exactly what brought this on in the first place and why I feel the need to write in here again more often.

I also get hit with waves of guilt sometimes, like I shouldn't be relaxing or something and... well... that's not good. At least for the next half month, it's something that I'll need to learn to overcome.

Fog once more.

 I feel like I need to start writing again more often. It feels like time is passing by extremely quickly. it feels like I don't have time to breathe. It feels like I'm being left behind, all while trying to compile myself. It feels like the world doesn't wait for me to get myself together, and rightfully so, why would they? why would they for anyone.

The rut feels real. the stagnation in my mind is just... not something that I can easily explain. I feel lost I guess. Lost and tired no matter how much I sleep, no matter how long I sleep. Perhaps it's the depression making itself back up again. Beneath it all I can feel that I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I don't exactly know why, but I'm tired. I'm just really tired.

Am I taking on too many tasks? Some might say that I'm even winding down from a lot of things. I haven't really been doing any repair jobs. I've pretty much not done any YouTube content for more than a year at this point. I've not really been watching anime or movies. I haven't been playing any games, at least not to the point where I'm really enjoying myself. Maybe that's also part of the problem, I haven't really been partaking in any activities that I enjoy, or rather conversely, the activities that used to give me joy no longer do so.

I would say that there's a flatness and staleness in what I'm doing but I'm not sure that's the case either. It just feels like... my will for a lot of things have faded, like the fire inside of me is fading slowly. No longer as passionate, no longer as driven, just flat. Empty.

I don't know. Maybe I don't even have enough energy anymore to do the little things. Maybe I'm surrounded too much by the things that I have to do that without completing them, I am unable to enjoy the things I want to do.

Even knocking off the to do lists that I've given for myself don't really bring that much enjoyment or motivation. Maybe it's also because I feel that those things are a distraction from me completing the things that I need to do, so even though I'm trying to use those as some form of kickstart to get myself going, it's not really working.

Like I can do them, and I guess I can do them, and completing them does give me some level of joy, but I guess I myself know that it's not that vital.

I guess it also feels that I don't really have any allies on my side at times, although I guess that's not exactly true. Wilson's rightfully annoyed by my lack of productivity and of course it's difficult to blame everything on "I have ADHD" while at the same time Christine has been a bit more understanding of it ever since she started to learn more about ADHD struggled from Eunice which is interesting if not a bit unnerving as well.

Latest news as well now is that LightSup project has been cancelled which is part concerning but also part relieving. Like it's honestly difficult to keep up with everything at the same time, and in many ways I just want a break from everything, just a mental break I guess to give myself some room to breathe and enjoy life a little bit more once again.

If anything I think it's a larger sign of me really needing to offload my work to someone else, whether it be Christine or a hire. The best case scenario is of course Christine to help take over and manage the more admin side of things. I'd rather focus on the development aspects of things, business development is still not so bad, so I don't mind that bit, but yeah.

Maybe it's just depression. I think that in some way it is. In some ways, it's probably linked to the ADHD, but I think it's just a bit of that depression creeping its head out right now.

It'd 3:30am and I've probably had more alcohol than I should, but then again it's like that every other time. Alcohol helps me cope, whether it's healthy or not.