The two words of the day are fulfilment and satisfaction, because I feel like I'm in this kind of depression rut once again, and I think that if I think about it deep down, the issues stem from these two things. I mean it really doesn't help that we're in the middle of a bloody global pandemic, and it means that I can't really go anywhere, I can't really travel anywhere, I can't do much except look at the same things every single day.
Yes, I know that I do have a wife and a kid now as well, and while I do love them dearly, I can tell you one thing right now; I don't know if I get fulfilment and satisfaction in our interpersonal relationships right now, and I don't think that the fault is theirs as much as it is mine.
To me this really all comes down to my life and what I've been doing and well, the progress of what I call my life's work. Those things haven't really given me fulfilment in a long while even after a long while of working on it, but don't get me wrong, I still get satisfaction from it; it's just that after years and years and years of working on it, not being able to show any real tangible results to anyone, not even myself, is really bad at living what I'd call a fulfilling life.
Now, I perfectly understand that what I'm doing takes time and patience to be done, and I understand that that feeling of fulfilment is once again delayed because of the recent shift into another project. It still doesn't change much of anything though, because in the end, ever since the day I set back foot into this country and pursued my path in life, I haven't had much of a sense in fulfilment.
Each day I try and keep my chin up and try and not feel down or useless or frustrated in this, telling myself that this is going to be the one, and while it's somewhat effective for a while, I can't deny that it eats into me and chips away at my soul and being every single day. I love what I do, and I can't see myself doing anything else but this, but without that fulfilment that I crave, it really eats into me like crazy.
Things like playing games helps to fill that void a little. Winning a game, especially a hard one gives a temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, but in the end, it's just that, temporary and fleeting. The same can be said for things like 3D Printing, repairing stuff, doing my YouTube channel... they're all really temporary and fleeting.
It really doesn't help when people keep badgering me as well, telling me that I'm not doing things right, that I'm doing things wrongly, like there's even things that I damn well very well know that I'm probably not making the right choices, not doing the things that I should be doing, focusing and prioritizing on the things that I should, but it really REALLY comes down to that idea of self preservation as well, and just me.... trying really hard to retain my sanity throughout all of this.
Retaining my sanity; Trust me when I say that, because I mean that with all seriousness, no joke. I find myself many other times on the edge of my wits and sanity, I start to imagine things I shouldn't, start to imagine things that I know I shouldn't do, and sometimes those imaginations can feel so damn real and convincing that it feels like it's the reality that should occur. It's a seriously disturbing thing that I sometimes even think about these things, but I can't really help it. I feel just so... laboured with everything that is going on around me, day after day the pressure just continuously mounting on me, just thrown on my back, fueled by words from myself and others with things like "you're not doing it right", "you can't do anything right", "why don't you do things properly".
Part of me wishes that maybe I had more words of encouragement and support with things like this, but part of me also feels like they don't really do anything, they're just really more placebo than anything else, and that nothing much else can save and help me except for the larger senses of fulfilment and satisfaction from the purposes in my life.
What happens if I have miscalculated all of this though? What happens if that purpose and reason and thing that I feel will give me that fulfilment and satisfaction is wrong and when I achieve it, I still feel hollow and empty?
I don't know. I would not want to think of such a thing. Perhaps we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
For now though, at least writhing on this blog once again, just letting my mind, soul and heart unwind seems to be helpful and beneficial to my sanity and well-being as I find myself having a bit of that weight lifted off me, and that I can breathe a bit deeper and better.
Hopefully I don't have to write like this too often though. Pretty much the only times that I write here are the moments when I'm at my most extremes... hopefully the next time will be more positive.
That's all the thoughts I have for now.
Till next time Yang, stay safe, stay sane, keep your head on your shoulders
