Is there really any point in making plans.

Time held its breath
A motionless spell of rapture
Across the room
A memory had been captured

And through the years
Though distance lay between us
I carried your torch
To illuminate the darkness

And I still lose myself
In that orange glowing moment
When your upturned face
Seemed to answer all my questions
But when I asked myself
As I do from time to time now
Where it all went wrong
Is there really any point in making plans?
In making plans?

So I made my vows
In the last low hours of morning
As I lay you down
I heard you whispering a warning

But then we lost ourselves
In that orange glowing moment
And your upturned face
Seemed to answer all my questions
But when I asked myself
As I do from time to time now
Where it all went wrong
Is there really any point in making plans?
In making plans?

And I still lose myself
I still lose myself
making plans

This stupid feeling once again.

I wanna write again. I feel like writing again. I feel like writing in again because god fucking damn it, I am once again reminded of the horrors that is falling in love. There are its high points, but at the moment, for me it’s mostly filled with moments of just frustration, paranoia, and just overthinking a shitload of stuff, but I’m pretty sure that one way or another I do have a valid point on the things that I am thinking about, just maybe not to the extents I bring them to.

I guess to bring things up to speed, I have fallen in love again, and yes I’ve fallen in love with Alexis. It all really came to that realisation when that whole Sydney terrorist attack happened to be honest. It happened and I got really worried and unsettled, because I knew that she was going there at that exact time, but as fate would have it, her family overslept. I guess it was that and the crashing of the indonesian airlines that happened then which also worried me, because it happened on the same day she was flying back to Malaysia, and I didn’t know that she was taking MAS instead of AirAsia. Prior to the announcement that it was an AA indo flight, I was worried sick once again.

That’s all well and truly fine, but right now to be honest, she may say things or do things that may feel as if she still wants me around, but at the same time it feels like she’s reluctant to message me or just doesn’t message me very often. Yet when she does, she can say some stuff that just sounds as if she really does miss me. Sigh. I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I’m on an emotional Yoyo, and in some ways I feel like I’m being used as well. Maybe it’s because it’s her last days in Malaysia and that she’s not free. Maybe she’s just tired with me, but somehow wants to keep me around. Maybe maybe. Too many things to consider with too many variables and permutations.

Why is it so hard just to get some clarity in my life. She says that she does miss me and she likes me, she gets me to meet her dad again, she allocates more time to me when she came down to KL, she can close conversations with me while sounding that she does in fact have feelings for me, yet at the same time… She just seems to do things that makes me feel unimportant… or maybe I’m just needy in that sense… ARGH I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW OKAY. I try not to think too much about this crap, but it always come back down to it and I always find myself in a situation where I am pulling hairs just trying to figure out what these girls are doing and what they want from me.

I am in disarray now. I won’t lie. I am in this state of fuck everything, and it affects a lot of my work and my game performance, because honestly, just like the days with Tze Ni back then, she’s pretty much all I think about right now. When I first went out with her I guess I didn’t expect to fall in love with her, and honestly, I didn’t even consider that this would have ever happened. Back then she was even the safer choice in my opinion, where I could live that really low key just being loved and shit life, yet things seem to have taken a quick 180 turn and I am just banging my head on the wall.

I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I’m reminded of the amount of pain and anguish that I went through with the closing of my relationship with TZ, and this… reminds me of that anguish. I am just tempted to cut everything off and just get it over with… yet at the same time I don’t want to. I am conflicted.

 

I am conflicted, I am lost, I am in anguish. I am in pain. I am in turmoil. I am in love.

Sadly.

 

hamster off and out.

Why hello there 2015.

Let me get in some writing for 2015 just for the heck of it. It’s the new year after all right? Why not. Let’s start of with a recap of what’s been going on then these past few days. I’ve been sick. I’ve been sick sick sick, and sick ever since New Years Eve. If you’re thinking that “Wow! What a way to spend your New Years Eve Yang!”, then you’re absolutely right. It was… Horrible. Hah.

Secondly, shit with Alexis is kinda getting a bit better now I guess. All that drama from before is fading away and shit is kinda returning back to normal, but with me thinking more and more into it, I really don’t know if she’s the one I wanna end up with, rather she’s the one that I kinda just wanna be with… for now. It’s a selfish conclusion, but she’s on the same page anyway, so what does it matter.

I’m supposed to be asleep now, but I’ve been trying to go to sleep for a fair while, but have been failing quite miserably, mostly because I keep getting distracted lol. Old from from Australia Sinclair is in Malaysia and I’ll be hosting him for a few days and bringing him around and what not so there’s that. I’m supposed to leave the house later at 7:30am and I can tell that it’s going to be a blast hahahaha. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

Apart from that I don’t know. 2015 is just another year in the repertoire of years. Nothing new, nothing old. Everything seems to be about the same, and it’s as you’d expect anyway, with nothing essentially changing except for a human way to dictate time flipping another number. Meh. Nothing special.

Idk. I’m bored I guess. I’m trying to make something of myself but that’s coming along slowly. Slowly because I’m a bit lazy about it as well I guess. I wanna be more hardworking about it, but at the same time I have doubts about what I’m trying to achieve, which is bad. I’m being hopeful though. I’m being hopeful that one day I get my big break and someone notices the work that I’m doing and I land myself a position where I can maintain my lifestyle and get paid. Yay.

Hopefully. Sigh. We’ll see how it all goes I guess.

 

hamster off and out.