It’s been a hot minute since I’ve really sat down and written anything. Wow I’m really not used to linears... These feel very weird for me... Kinda makes me want to try something else on these.... They’re almost too quiet you know what I mean? Anyway... Yeah. Man... I can write like really standard cheesy stuff like how life is really... I don’t know, busy for me right now, but I think that’s kinda the truth? Or at least my head hasn’t really been able to calm down and settle on a single thought for a very long while, and that has kinda... Taken a toll on me almost. Like prior to all of this, I think that I was much better at being focused and just barreling down on my thoughts and ideas and just working on them \
Today is not too bad though. Today has been... Not too bad for my mental state of mind. I find myself a lot calmer and a lot more composed today, maybe because I finally got back into a little bit of programming, and enjoyed myself with a bit of that you know what I mean? Like it’s a little bit of that semblance of normalcy that I used to have those months ago.
That said though, I can’t help but feel that I’m still kinda mentally bogged down with like a million and one things to do, like my head is extremely busy, like I’m constantly forgetting to do something between my bouts of fatigue and trying to clear the things that I’m forgetting.
Part of it is perhaps just me picking up little things here and there non stop and just... Bogging myself down with it I guess. I think that the physical state that my workspace has been in is a part of this as well. Messy workspace seems to have this kind of passive agitation effect on me almost, even though I have mostly learned to live with it.
Things I am trying to do/ have to do ranges from like selling stuff, repairing stuff, FILMING myself repairing stuff, making content for YouTube, 3D print some stuff to repair stuff, 3D MODEL PARTS TO REPAIR STUFF, Deal with my work obligations like development and just progression of the company, making sure that we have enough money from month to month, year to year, trying to secure ourselves enough jobs to stay afloat, working on our game so that we can finally do what we formed the company to do all this while....
I mean that’s just part of the stuff that I remember, and between a lot of all these, there’s still a lot in which I have to go into and expand on them, it just feels like this giant.... Tangled... Mess of wires and what not, like that feeling when you look at a mess of jumbled wires, and you’re trying to slowly unravel it to actually have something usable in the end; my brain very much feels like that at the moment.
I even forgot to greet my blog a happy 2023 ahahaha. I guess that the good part from all of this is that I at least still get some of that weight and anxiety lifted off when I write like this, just... Writing whatever is on my mind and trying to just sort it all out...
Yeah... So much shit to deal with to be honest... But I’ll try my best. That’s all I’ve ever been doing, trying to be the best version of me, but perhaps, I have too much of an expectation from the best version of me, I don’t know.
All I know is, right now I’m tired, and perhaps I should take an earlier night tonight; I’ve been told that I’ve been snoring recently as well, which is something I only really do when I’m exhausted. Maybe I am.
