Is it bad to say that these days I feel as if I'm not as happy being in a relationship than I have been being alone? It probably is, but if it's the truth and it's what I feel then I don't think I should shy away from writing about it, especially in my own private space.
I feel that in this modern day and age, the male is at a disadvantage. Despite a lot of what is said and done, we're expected to be a lot of things, and majority of the time, if and when anything goes wrong, it is most certainly our fault first. A failing relationship? the guy. Someone cheated in a relationship? the guy.
I bring this up because the other day she brought up that many people including her parents have told her that guys just cheat and it's in their blood or something and that she should be wary of me cheating in the future. I took great offence in this, although maybe I didn't really show it that much. I've never had any history of cheating or being unfaithful, in fact in many times I've been fucking faithful in all my relationships, and yet there I was put in a situation in which my WIFE just tells me that she is wary of me cheating on her because that's apparently what everyone has told her of what guys are and that I'm just prone to it or something, and that I'll do it? if that's not incredibly offensive and stupid then I don't know what is. In fact, maybe if she comes here and read this one day, I want her to know this, because it's INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID TO INSINUATE SUCH A THING. IT'S INCREDIBLY INSULTING AND I TAKE A GREAT DEAL OF OFFENSE to it.
Fuck.
How about looking at everyone as fucking human for a change? How about that? How about maybe stop grouping people and stereotyping them with this drivel and garbage? What makes it any better than racism or profiling? nothing. abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
Not just that. The whole reason that I'm sitting here writing this down at 5 in the morning even though I'm tired as hell, is because I feel that within this relationship, I have tried my best to do things for her. Many thing for her, and she may not even appreciate or understand the lengths at which I went to to make it happen, yet when ANYTHING goes wrong, it is instantly my fault, and I get told that I don't appreciate her. It is INCREDIBLY DEMORALISING, and I don't know if she knows this or not. When you do your best for the person, but every single "mistake" that you make that you make is nitpicked as hell and everything you've done up till now is based on that, even if maybe it wasn't intentional or meant to be taken like that. Everything is thrown and construed as if it's my fault.
You know what? It's extremely tiring. It's tiring and exhausting to have to deal with that every single time. It really is. I hate it. You ask why I have no libido? Well, it's hard to get a hard one for someone who keeps treating you like this, and then they expect you to still love them like nothing ever happened. It's hard.
It's hard, because while I realise this may also be unfair for me to say, but I feel that she hasn't done much for me in return. I try very hard to protect her when my family says something bad for her, I defend her, I try and explain situations between the two and act as a mediator, but when I am straight up not appreciated, and told that I don't appreciate her or don't do anything for her? I just feel... so.... fucking.... tired. I really do.
I'd rather just bury myself in work and not care about anything else.
I'd rather not think about it.
But maybe I should. She's always been keen on the idea of visiting a marriage counselor, maybe we should do it, then maybe she'll have someone else to also tell her that honestly, she's been behaving very selfishly, and I'm not the only one who feels this way it seems.
I never expected marriage to be perfect, but at this rate, I feel happier when I was single without a girlfriend or a wife than now when I am with someone for life.
I don't like this feeling though. I want to change it, and I want to make it work, but if you're asking me right now on how I feel about the whole thing, it would really be that.
But maybe that's just how it is in this modern era right? if anything goes wrong, it's always the guy's fault.
Oh, the guy cheated
Oh, the guy didn't appreciate the wife
Oh, the guy didn't spend as much time with her
Oh, the guy fell out of love
Oh, the guy.
The guy.
