It is not as if I do not want to talk to you, I do, but the conflict within me does not allow me to do so. I just blank out. I do not want to say what I want to say for the fear of repercussions.

Perhaps the easiest way for me to say it is that even though I want to talk to you, I am not yet ready to do so.

I need to solve myself first. I need to find myself. The moment everything comes back together, I'm not sure if I'm able to do that.

I need to find myself.

Today I walked out of the house to try and do so. I walked. I tried to walk without stopping to find the answers I'm looking for within myself.

I went out and walked through the jungle, on the highways beside cars zooming past me, climbing over obstacles, just walking.

In the end, I walked to a mamak, some 2 hours 30 minutes later, 13km away from home. It helped a little, but I still feel lost.

I'm trying to find a shred of direction in my life, trying to find out why I'm doing what I'm doing, trying to make sense of everything.

I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown of sorts. I can always go back and play games again of course, but it is only a distraction from the underlying issues within myself.

Space, time, thought, I'm not sure if any of these can solve the things going through my head.

The head has travelled to dark places today, questions that I don't want to admit I asked but I asked. If I hung myself, how would it be like, no, I would be a hindrance to people, I can't do that... People would be saddened.

As I sat in the tub today, and when staring at a pool of water while walking, I thought to myself, how long before I would lose consciousness, how would it feel like, what does it mean to live, what does it mean to die.

As I walked past powerlines along the road, I looked at them, and thought to myself, how fast would it be if people electrocuted themselves, how would it feel like, what is there beyond this life.

All questions that I sincerely asked myself, but I never stopped for too long to think about them. I didn't want to. I kept walking straight. I kept walking. I knew that the longer I stayed in my room, I would drive myself insane. I knew that with you around, because I wouldn't dare to talk to you about any of this, it would fester within me. Things that I don't want, yet when I open my mouth to talk, to say, the words that I want to say do not come out. Instead words that make people think that I'm strong or that I have everything under control comes out. I think I'm as far away from that as I can be. I feel out of control, spiralling, spinning, not giving myself much time to focus, losing myself in the process. Maybe that's why I behave the way I do. After all, people say if you live a lie long enough, it becomes true.

I would like to talk, but I can't talk, I won't talk. Words do not come out of this mouth, at least nothing much beyond acknowledgement. It would probably be an act of futility.

I have tried, to see if Chew would like to meet up, to maybe attempt to try and talk about my life, and this and everything, but of course to not much surprise, he is busy today. Of course. Even then, perhaps of the persona I let off, he seems to think that whatever I'm going through now isn't all that serious. Isn't it just atypical. All those articles I read online of the last thing people hear from their friends suffering some form of depression, that silent cry for help, is overlooked, until something happens then it is a lot of oh I wish I had. Yeah, wishes.

But don't worry, I am not at that stage. I know very well what this all entails if I do the unspeakable. I deny this voice in my head, but i I scare myself that when I think about it, I think about it in a very serious fashion, and in a very stoic sense of mind.

All I can do now is keep moving, to keep my mind busy.

The only place that I can really put these thoughts down are here; the unjudging, unresponsive, unchanging wall of a digital space. It brings me comfort and solace. It brings me peace to have some THING listen without trying to instantly judge me, tell me what's wrong with me and push for solutions. It's not what I need right now, and honestly I don't know if it's what Chew can give me either. I doubt it.

I wanted to stop you from leaving today. I wanted to open my mouth, to say something, to do something, but my body does not do that, and I watch as you left, I staring at the car leaving. I even facilitated it to some point.

I think a part of me wanted it. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to just.... Be by myself, at least for a while, and while I really did want to spend my time with you, internally, I was torn inside and a bit dead.

I wanted to find myself and what it means to be myself, and I somehow feel that it's only something that I have to do alone. No one has the answers for me.

I want you to know this, but it is not something I can tell you in person, because I can't deal with questions and answers right now. I have my own to deal with.

https://youtu.be/yZIummTz9mM

https://youtu.be/4qlCC1GOwFw

1. Walk. Keep walking until I cannot walk anymore. I want to see how far I can go.

Discovering keywords in my life:

Purpose.
Drive.
Why.

Games at the moment appeal to me because they give me something I don't have.

Purpose. Drive. Why I'm doing what I'm doing. A game has clear purpose. A game has clear drive. In a game, you generally know why you're doing what you're doing.

What am i doing?

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=720005535030909&id=356591004705699

printf(“Meaning”)

The things that made me once happy, don’t make me happy anymore. These things are short term happiness. You feel satisfaction from them for a short amount of time, then realise that deep within, you’re still sad, unsatisfied, empty.

Am I living for myself, or am I living for other people? am I living just to do the things that people want me to do, people expect me to do, living in the image of what people expect me to be? Today I question if I am real. Today I question my own existence. Today I question myself.

I have no desire to speak. I have no words to say. The words don’t come out of my mouth. I hear them in my head, but they’re a garbled mess, and they don’t come out of my mouth. Sometimes I feel like I scream and shout within myself, yet who I am on the outside does not show these emotions. The exterior remains… stoic. Remains unchanged… almost as if I am silencing myself.

I don’t expect people to understand this feeling I guess. Everyone who I have mildly talked to it about have mostly told me things that… are unhelpful, or at least what I’m not looking to hear, or don’t give me any additional help, any additional peace.

Sigh, I really don’t know. Like I love Christine, but at the same time, I feel like I’m tending more to her than I do to myself, and the thing is that she doesn’t seem to feel it that way, she feels like I’m ignoring her or not giving her enough attention, but at the same time, I feel like I’m not giving myself enough attention anymore. I feel like I’m unresolved.

Being around her is nice, being around her make me… happy.. but it doesn’t counter out the feelings that I have inside of me of turmoil, and so I find it hard to do a lot of things, especially since the things that I do these days I feel majority are the things that people want me to do, expect me to do, not necessarily the things that I want to do.

I speak these words from inside, but my face remains as stoic, as unchanging, and I feel trapped, almost as if writing letters from a prison cell.

Hello World.

Hello blog. How have you been? It’s been a long time since I’ve last posted onto here, so much so that it brings on a very nostalgic feeling.

What is happiness? What am I feeling? Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't think I'm particularly happy. I feel.... Indifferent. I feel indifferent to a lot of things. There are things that make me mildly happy but I don't like that I'm like particularly happy happy....

At the moment, all I feel is a looming weight upon me, and I have felt that for a many long time now. I do sometimes wonder if I have depression of some sort. I mean that in all seriousness of the matter. Recently I do get dark thoughts and sometimes the occasional feeling like… if I end it all, then I would achieve that peace in my life.

But would I really? I don’t know. I honestly doubt it. Still feels like depression though. Games are an escape from this reality, I know that just as well, but at this point in my life, I feel like I need... Solitude almost. Space to think and space to just reflect on myself and who I am and what I want. I unfortunately don't get it when Christine is around as much as I’d like to, and I especially don't get it where my job is as a boss and the things that I have to do.

I feel like I'm in search of happiness maybe. In search of myself. I feel like this kind of true happiness isn’t achieved from someone else but from within, and at the moment, I feel like I don’t have it. I feel like I’m directionless once more. I feel tired almost every other day these days, and it's not a physical kind of tired, but a mental tiredness, the kind where not much amounts of sleep can ever solve.

Every other time, I find myself thinking about something, worrying about something, have the stress of something just pressing down onto me and I hate that feeling. I have that desire to quit everything, to just… not do anything, to not talk to anyone anymore, to just… disappear almost, fade away.

At this point I feel like I want to be alone for a bit, like just.... Idk... Find peace within me or something. I don't know. I feel an innate desire to be... Alone...

Today I joke with myself if I need to see a psychiatrist of sorts.