Monday, November 01, 2010

Armin van Buuren - Not Giving Up On Love (ft. Sophie Ellis Bextor)

Armin Van Buuren - Not Giving Up On Love (ft. Sophie Ellis Bextor)

I know you’re feeling restless,
like life’s not on your side.
It’s weighing heavy on your mind.
But when we stand united,
our hearts they beat in time.
And I know we’ll make it all alright.

Let’s bring it back to you and me,
there’s no one else around.
Now don’t get lost in gravity,

‘Cause I want you to hold me now,
nothing else matters,
it’s just the two of us.
And if it all falls down,
nothing else matters,
I know we’re strong enough.

I’m not giving up,
I’m not giving up on us.
I said im not giving up,
I’m not giving up on love.

We’re of the same existence,
no lock without a key.
We can’t deny it’s meant to be.
‘Cause I feel it inside,
taking over tonight.
I’ll be there when the storm is breaking
in this moment i’m yours
you can always be sure
that together we’re gonna make it.

So baby won’t you hold me now,
nothing else matters
it’s just the two of us.
And if it all falls down,
nothing else matters
I know we’re strong enough.

I’m not giving up,
I’m not giving up on us.
I said im not giving up,
I’m not giving up on love.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Matter of C&C

Or maybe not really C&C as it is C. vs. C. Compatibility vs Chemistry. To me the answer was already though over even before the questions were asked really. Its something that I’ve come to understand throughout the time I’ve been together with her. The difference between two people doesn’t necessarily bring forth a bad thing. On the contrary, it’s my belief that it actually helps keeps life interesting. Its like asking me to date a person who knows how to talk tech or electronics or what not. Why the hell would I do that? If anything I’d like to be taken out of my normal lifestyle and shown something new and different.

Perhaps my views are different that way. Still, having had it asked this time around, I’m someone obliged to bring it back up and give it a 2nd chance at lingering in my thoughts. This time of course I resorted somewhat on hearing the stories of others, and pretty much what I’ve found has made nothing but reconfirm my own views on it.

Everyone is different no matter how you see it. A doctor and an Engineer, an artist and a businessman, a designer and an accountant, a programmer and an financial planner. Regardless, they still find that their other half completes them, even without having to relate to their every day life on every single level.

Though to that point, its not as if I’m out of tune with the world of business myself, as I find Apple’s uprising to such a profitable company in such a short amount of time nothing short of a business miracle, I’m intrigued by Marketing strategies and business mergers as well as buyouts. Sure its not on the same level as perhaps Microfinance but it surely can’t be that far off.

Besides, even if I’m in this kind of line of work, It doesn’t really mean that I have no use of business, on the contrary, its quite beneficial to my career as a whole. After all, what good is a product if no one knows of it.

Back on topic, my answer is still what it was when i first thought it over. It brings me to question more things now however. Like is this matter of Chemistry and Compatibility really the problem or just a guise for something else. How about along the lines of not wanting this for the fear of the pain again. Always a possibility.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me then. I believe that if there’s no pain or hurt or struggle to attain something, surely its not as valuable then. After all the best things in life are never easily attained. OR free…. at least in a monetary sense.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Scrambled Eggs

Life is confusing, make no mistake. One minute I find myself resolute, the other minute mind bent. But once again, most questions need to be asked.

If anything, right now I feel like a hypocrite. Saying one thing doing the other, or basically saying one thing, knowing damn well to myself I think the other.

On the other hand, I’m not sure what I really want anymore as well. Things feel good once again, I suppose. I mean feel, not necessarily meaning that they are, if you catch the point.

Still, once again I find myself on the not giving up bandwagon. Hopefully things work out fine.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sergey Vasil'evich Rakhmaninov

DSCF1170Because I still remember the time when Melman meant something to you, as I hope it still does.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Up OST – Stuff We Did

Stanza, ripped from the soul

Nibbling into my soul,
Bit by bit, stripping the pieces of what I am
To the life I live, unknown to the now
Living, taking a small stride at a time.

Like a sad piano sonata played slow,
Every key exhuming the overwhelming feelings,
Each tune resonating within the soul,
Creating a piece known as my life.

The soft melody that rings in your ear,
The sad shifting within the heart
A piece that seems never-ending in its length,
The sound that hits me so hard

Yet no matter the message within the song,
I do not grow despair from its tune
To say I’ve gotten too familiar to this feeling isn’t wrong,
To say its already a part of me is true

A performance taking part in an empty hall,
The only light, dim, a spotlight in the ceiling
The piano’s hum reverberating off the walls,
Echoing back to the pianist, stringing his feelings.

Though even amongst this hall littered with none,
I find myself drawn more to the song
A sound, sad yet entrancing
One that takes my mind off the lonely hall

As the days past, I continue playing the same piece,
A piece that seems to strike deeper than it did
I close my eyes, swept away in its melody
Silently wishing someone would teach another to me.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Idle Thoughts

Its funny how things went to shit so quickly as soon as the proposition to contact her less during her exam period went into play. I have to say, the recuperation before that was going very well, with the webcamming with each other helping greatly.

Now with the "supposed” contact less because supposed to be studying, everything seems to be falling apart once more, and not only that, when its most needed. Truly, Keeping an LDR is not an easy task. No one ever said it would be anyway right?

The events that will partake in the next few days will be like unboxing pandora’s own forbidden chest. Unpredictable, and possibly deadly.

We’ll see. Funny how it just needs me to go through old pictures, messages and what not, or even remembering the good times for me to be happy. Ha. Maybe I’m way too self sustained for my own good.

After Midnight Project – Gone Too Long

Rescue me from a scene that bleeds
confusion and lack of anything
Keep telling me "One day They'll see"

It's 2 AM when I stare at the moon
And I keep on thinking about your room
And the look you gave me when I had to walk away

I strap on my shoes and I play the shows
I smile and I smile 'til my cheeks get tired
Then I walk outside, but there's no place to hide

I've been away for too long
To notice when something wrong
When something's changing
I've been away for too long
To notice a change in her body
A change and we kiss
I've been gone

The ice and the snow
The fire and the rain
The sun and the beach
It washes me away

I wish that time would take me back to you

When I get home will you know my face
Will you love my smile, will you feel the same
We'll just pick up where we left back in June
I drink every night and sometimes I smite
Take a pill to help me win the fight
But I think of us when I stare into the sky

I've been away for too long
To notice when something wrong
When something's changing
I've been away for too long
To notice a change in her body
A change and we kiss

I can't figure out what's wrong
I'm up and down
I can't figure out what's wrong
I'm up and down
I'm up and down

I've been away for too long
To notice when something wrong
When something's changing

I've been away for too long
To notice when something wrong
When something's changing
I've been away for too long
To notice a change in her body
A change and we kiss
I've been gone

Monday, October 11, 2010

One of those other things I remember

Just remembered this, told to me by my girl months back.

One falls in love NOT by choice, but by CHANCE
One stays in love NOT by chance, but by WORK
And NO ONE falls out of love by chance, but by CHOICE.

Remembered it as I was counselling a friend.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Thoughts of the moment

You know what’s the most difficult thing for me at the moment? Possibly the fact that i want to be able to at all times be able to be by her and give her a hug, and say that everything will be okay, just trust in me.

Reality says that I can’t. Logically speaking, okay, yeah maybe all the time is a bit much, but at least when she needs it. Kinda pulls the mood down for mw knowing that. Sigh, even if the best I can do is a phone call, or a video call, sometimes I know it doesn’t cut it.

Life is difficult, but hey, what’s the point of living if its too easy right?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mutismus des Herzens

Es war falsch, wenn ich denke, dass es sogar möglich sein. Erneut Mutismus des Herzens.

Monday, September 27, 2010

My answer is yes.

For I love and I trust. For even before this all began, I already gave myself a silent sworn oath I would see this to however far I could. Because I already knew that it would never be easy. Because I know that the fight is for something greater than I could ever imagine.

Because I love her with all my heart.

I will toss aside my fears for the time being. I will take my pride and crush it beneath my feet. I will face every issue I can headstrong to my own capabilities. Because to us, I still say yes.

I love you and I won’t give this up.

Interesting thing about stress

Yes, indeed interesting information about stress in its essence. What stress you say? Well, in particular stress that I'm going through. If I think about it really deeply, my current state of stress and frustration stems not from my university workload, but rather my girl.

Built up like a domino effect, I can only hope that it doesn’t really come crashing down on me. Irony being that perhaps she thinks it stems from my work… Not that I’ve had much chance to properly talk to her about this. Conversations have been a bit weird, and slippery to describe it. Unnerving, Unsettling and frankly, scary.

Its simple really, while the distance between us have brought to more obvious point bad rather than good, we are always able to climb ourselves out of it. But this is the thing. When words are just words how can you tell their sincerity? Not when you can’t look into the other’s eyes. Its the realm of uncertainty all over again for me. I think that has to be one of the only real fears for me, fear of uncertainty. Back on topic, this is currently one of the things I’m really worried about. It feels like I’m converging back into that day only about 3-4 months ago. That day when my world came to a standstill, and basically everything around me WAS an uncertainty, so much that I chose not to think about anything at all, just play the ignorant fool. To most obvious conclusion, things worked out, but alas, things don’t necessarily go the same way twice, such is the effects of Chaos Theory and human nature.

Worried, and frustrated. More so that I’m here not being able to do much to remedy it, except pit my hopes into 50 minutes (if I’m lucky these days).

It is perhaps in human nature that we convince ourselves of things, because we have put so much hope and dreams into it, to watch it crumble before our very eyes would be in the least disastrous for our mind and wellbeing. But question in turn arises. Is there a right and wrong as to this issue. Surely, one option is to convince ourselves of one thing and keep proceeding with it, then if things work out the way we have always expected and predicted them to, then so much the better. Life works out, cue happily ever after music. However, there is another face to this. Lying to oneself as to not hurt others OR yourself. Arguably, this brings more damage than one could imagine it would normally entail. Am I a victim of this? I do not know. Perhaps I’ve reached a point in which I’ve fed myself enough lies enough for my own consciences to believe it to be the truth. Perhaps Its not a lie. Everything that I say or do still holds true to my own soul, that I have not knowingly misguided my own soul into this false sense of security.

Indeed I have about a month to go left in Melbourne before I head back to Malaysia for holidays. At the rate things are going, I’m worried more of what could be rather than what is. Rebuilding ourselves from the state of insufficiency and lack of attention is indeed tiring to say the least, though I have to add, that the rewards are more than that I can always ever imagine.

Perhaps this is the order of things then. I’ll take it as such. If there were a God (And not saying I’m atheist, but I try to grasp every form of understanding) then what is currently befalling me is merely nothing more than a test of my endurance, of my willpower, of my strength. For I always truly believe that what does not kill you will only make you stronger, I will keep my worries below my smile, to welcome each and everyday with open arms.

Whether this may be the best method to deal with this is another thing. It certainly feels right to me at any rate. Conundrum now being of course that while the rest of the world is greeted by the smiles and laugher I permeate, the inner self is always at war, always trying to solve his own problems internally. To get the help of others is always a good thing, but as mentioned before, it is indeed difficult to open up  anymore when you’re not used to doing so.

Ah blog, where would I be without you. Perhaps sitting in a corner and weeping my silly eyes out (I don’t actually do that, figurative speech. Don’t give me that look). While blogging always usually helps to get my mind straight, I do sometimes wonder how do I begin to not always trying to bear the burden on my own shoulders, but to allow others to help unload it off me. Surely a simple task for others, but a seemingly difficult task for myself. I just hope my thoughts and intentions are understood.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Jamiroquai – Little L

Jamiroquai – Little L

There you were freaking out,
Trying to get your head around the fact that me and you and love is dead
See how I'm trippin' out
'Cos you can't decide what you really want from me

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

There you were shouting out
Cranking up your altercations, getting upset in your desperation
Screaming and hollering
How could this love become so paper thin?

You're playing so hard to get
You're making me sweat just to hold your attention
I can't give you nothing more
If you ain't givin' nothing to me

Don't you know that
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L
Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
Seems like you're stepping on the pieces
Of my broken shell
'Cos you make me love you, love you
With a Little L, you know
That's the way you make me love you, yeah

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity

Oh yeah what we're living in (let me tell ya)
It' a wonder man can eat at all
When things are big
That should be small
Who can tell what magic spells we'll be doing for us.
And I'm giving all my love to this world
Only to be told
I can't see, I can't breathe
No more will we be
And nothing's gonna change the way we live
Cuz we can always take and never give
And now that things are changing for the worse,
See, it's a crazy world we're living in
And I just can't see that half of us immersed in sin
Is all we have to give these

Futures made of virtual insanity
now always seem, to be governed by this love we have
For useless, twisting, our new technology
Oh now there is no sound for we all live underground

And I'm thinking in what a mess we're in
Hard to know when to begin
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
And now every mother can choose the color of her child
That's not nature's way
Well that's what they said yesterday
There's nothing left to do but pray
I think it's time I found a new religion
Whoaaa it's so insane to synthesize another strain
There's something in these futures that we have to be told.

Futures made of virtual insanity
now always seem, to be governed by this love we have
For useless, twisting of our then new technology
Oh now there is no sound for we all live underground
Now there's no sound if we all live underground
And now it's virtual insanity
Forget your virtual reality
Oh, there's nothing so bad, I know yeah
(Bridge)
Oh, this virtual insanity, we're living in,
Has got to change, yeah
Things will never be the same
And I can't go on
While we're living in oh, oh virtual insanity
Oh, this world has got to change
Cos I just, I just can't keep going on, it was virtual,
Virtual insanity that we're living in, that we're living in
That virtual insanity is what it is

Chorus x2:

Futures made of virtual insanity
now always seem to be governed by this love we have
For useless, twisting, our new technology
Oh there is no sound for we all live underground

Living - Virtual Insanity
Living - Virtual Insanity
Living - Virtual Insanity
Living - Virtual Insanity

Virtual Insanity is what we're living in

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Disturbed

I just talked to her not too long ago, and… I feel bad and stupid and guilty if i had to sum it, not to mention i do feel frustration now. Its really the matter that I love her, and I know she’s worried about me, but the fact that i can’t even so much as tell whats wrong with me these days, and that because I can’t tell her purely because i don’t know frustrates me. Would it be silly for me to say that it bothers me that she didn’t say she loves me over the phone? trivial perhaps, but I view it something to be quite vital in my happiness. Anyone can type out words, but saying things with your mouth is a different thing isn’t it? Thats why its easier to be someone else, rather, your true self/ hidden persona online than it is in person.

But thats not the matter at hand here obviously. Its to do with myself. After talking to her i sought to find out what was making me feel this way and i came up with a hypothesis though i’m not sure how true i am about this. Lately i’ve been feeling quite uninspired, and uncreative. I feel like my brain isn’t working as to what i’m used to it doing, with me being able to come up with ideas and have my imagination roam entirely free without borders, coming up with ideas for games and animatics instantly, I feel that has slipped from me.

To describe my brain in the past, whenever i had ideas or creative inspirations, i would see them right infront of my face, being able to feel them in their full glory, in full vivid-ness. (Excuse the lack of grammar and u know… shitty blogging as well. Its the side effect of my current state of mind)

Currently I feel like my brain is NON-EXISTANT. Whenever i try to think i end up staring infront of me, looking at nothing, and forcing myself to think doesn’t really help as well. At most i see a full grey. Just grey, or blank. Nothing. NIL.

It frustrates me. I’m not sure if thats what is causing it, but perhaps its one of it, or the sole reason. I’m frustrated, yet i don’t know what to do. I can’t think straight. I don’t feel like i am who i am. What do i do.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Confiding in others: Thoughts

You know, I think i quite figured out why i don’t like confiding my troubles to others. Perhaps it stems from when i was younger and the environment I was brought up in. I guess recent events sort of reminded me of this.

Back in my younger days I do remember trying to confide in my parents, my sister, sometimes my friends, but I always find myself having my thoughts and emotions shoved right down back my throat where it came from. I know its not as if they don’t care but it certainly sucks to say the least.

Cue age 22, changes have come yet things still remain the same. My friends these days are people whom i can confide to, yet my parents and my family somewhat remain the same. She asked me if I talk to my parents often, and I replied no. Why? Perhaps its the fact that I don’t talk to them apart from business purposes or when I do I put up this faux happiness and joyfulness.

I am always somewhat expected to pull myself together and be this bread winner person, to be some kind of super human power maybe. To this its possibly the reason as to why I dislike being called perfect or any synonyms of it. I do have feelings too unfortunately, stronger than I’d like them to be. Its just that over the years of solitude with no one to confide them to has set me up into this self sustaining person, who convinces himself he needs no one else but himself to survive, and the only one who can bring him back up is himself.

While this may be true, I’ve got to admit, its still nice to have someone care about you in the least, even if they know you’ll pick yourself back up sooner or later.

When I post that I’m stressed i don’t want people posting to me “Learn how to handle your stress” or that everytime I write back it is always “Do well, people are expecting a lot from you” and what not. Its tiring. Its just so tiring to be strong. But in the end that’s who I am right? Strong for others but not for myself. Sigh.

Over the years this has gone on, and I’ve found myself building up my own emotions, to show a stronger side of me, masking the weaker sides as much as I can. I like people relying on me, it makes me feel important sure… But that by no means means that I’m perfect right? What’s so wrong with wanting a pat on the back once in a while, or a hug to say that it’s going to be okay?

If its one thing my girl has thought me, that feeling of warmth from others is something i severely lack, and sometimes I feel that I ask for her to provide too much of that for me. I admit my parents are great in their own sense, but they are certainly really cold, either that or clumsy and just really horrible at showing their emotions. Footnotes of “Love, Pa” don’t really cut it when i don’t really hear it in person. If anything it feels forced even though i know its not… point being they’re words that don’t mean much to me anymore when i read emails like that.

People come seeking me for help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, a heart to sympathise with, a friend who remains true. Yet the irony is that while I see the same desires as that, I block myself off with this persona I’ve created of myself. The thoughts still linger in my head till this day. “I don’t get the liberty to be weak and hopeless”. I think It still holds so true. I’m not ever given a chance to just explode into a ball of emotion, and even if i am i don’t know if i remember how to anymore or whether i should.

I feel… melancholic and demoralised. At least take me seriously when i say I’m fatigued because i haven’t slept in so long from doing assignments, and write me some caring words, and not “You should sleep early, don’t leave your work till last minute, Playing computer games again, Learn to manage your time better” or whatever else there is to say.

I’m just so. Tired. Yet no one is here to give me the hug and reassurance i need. Only time can tell if a phonecall is enough, or whether in the end i’d have to rely on my own strength to climb back out as its always been. Its tiring to be me. So tiring.

Friday, September 17, 2010

BAWWW STRESSSSSSSSSSSS

Ugh, so bloody stressed. =_= Its been assignments assignments assignments NON FREAKING FUCKING STOP!!!! AHHHHH!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER DOING ANYTHING ELSE BUT WORK FOR NON STOP ALL THESE DAYS. GAH!

Hopefully watching I Love You, Man will make my mood brighter before i hop back into… ugh. Work. I need a god damn cuddle and hug right now =_=

BAWH

Stressed hamster Out.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Armin Van Buuren - Youtopia Feat. Adam Young

Armin Van Buuren - Youtopia Feat. Adam Young

I can feel you in the raising tide
Can you feel me by the fire side
From the moonlight
Through the cherry trees
Open the roof and take in the view
Cause you’re my sweetest dream
Come true

Colour the dusk, deep navy blue
And try to be brave
Cause I’ll be right beside you
There’s a world so high
Hold out your hands
And you can go anywhere
So reach for the stars
Cause I’ll be waiting up there
And you can finally fly
Cause you’ll be lighter than air

Colour the dusk, deep navy blue
And try to be brave
Cause I’ll be right beside you
There’s a world so high
Hold out your hands
And you can go anywhere
So reach for the stars
Cause I’ll be waiting up there
And you can finally fly
Cause you’ll be lighter than air

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

VisualDNA Love Test

About

It looks like you're someone who's very down-to-earth when it comes to love. You tend to be pretty realistic about what makes a lifelong partnership work. You understand the value of forging a love based on friendship, respect and shared values. In fact, often your relationships develop out of friendships and your lover tends to be your best friend. Marriage and children are probably central to your life. As far as you're concerned, a true relationship is one that matures with time and work. Just make sure that you keep the spark of passion alive.

Emotions

You feel most comfortable in a solid relationship based on trust. Even when life's not quite going your way, a steady caring partnership with friendship at its root is the one sure-fire cure for the blues... right now you couldn't imagine a better place to be. You're positively glowing with happiness and feeling very secure. Just how you like it.

Perceptions

Home life is really important to you. Its all the focus of all the love that you have to give. Love is about completely being natural with one another, about being able to take things slow and find a quiet place away from all the demands of everyday life. You love the mystery of exploring your lover and reaching even deeper levels of understanding. Your choice of animal shows a particular penchant for the physical side of love and a very nurturing spirit. It also reflects a tendency to be sharp and alert in dealing with challenges in your life. You're a fast-mover in matters of the heart. The rabbit suggests that it may be time for a reevaluation in  your life. Try to avoid getting stuck in a rut and rid yourself of and hold hang-ups and barriers

Aspirations

Love is cuddling up on the sofa with a glass of wine or lounging in bed with the Sunday papers. The physical side of love is essential to you. Touching really helps you to connect with the one you love. You're a really social animal at heart. It's important to you to be with someone who makes you laugh. Having  fun is what keeps the magic alive. Once the spark of passion has died down, this is what will truly endure.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

VisualDNA Career Test

You're a Thinker

  • Intellect:Thinker
  • Skills:Listener
  • Emotions:Instructor
  • Dynamism:Innovator

Your Core Skills

A natural academic, you love thinking through problems methodically. You are analytical and enjoy fact-based work. Empathetic and sensitive, you shine when facilitating discussions and debate. You are a strong group worker, who gets a real buzz from seeing teams functioning successfully.

Potential Areas Of Weakness

You tend to enjoy working within comfort zones and may be resistant to more spontaneous, risk taking activities. You are sometimes reticent about expressing your own opinions or needs and this may mean you end up feeling disenfranchised in the workplace. Your leadership potential may be thwarted by your lack of confidence or experience in public speaking.

Areas You Might Want To Work On

  • Try exploring exercises or techniques that will give you greater confidence
  • Be more flexible in your approach
  • Ensure that your natural role as facilitator or mediator does not mean that you fail to express your own opinion

Careers That May Suit You

  • TEACHER
  • SENIOR NURSE
  • CHARITY DIRECTOR
  • PERSONAL ASSISTANT
  • YOUTH GROUP LEADER
Optimism barometer

Here's an indication of your optimism levels based on the VisualDNA that you haved shared with us.

Energy meter

Here's an indication of your energy levels based on the VisualDNA that you haved shared with us.

Your Detailed Personality Assessment

It's important that you take the time to listen to yourself as well as to those around you. Make a conscious effort to regularly tune into your personal life goals and how you are going to achieve these. Use your diplomacy and intuition to your own advantage to move your career forward in positive ways. You enjoy a challenge and always rise to the occasion so make sure that your attitude stays fresh so that you are exhilarated in everything that you do.

You're quite a maverick at heart. Not for you the traditional paths of career development. You have true entrepreneurial flair and are always thinking of new and original ways to get ahead in life. It's good to keep things fresh. You like variety and may feel frustrated in a work set-up which limits your potential for self-expression. Being your own boss is definitely appealing to you.

Life may feel quite bleak to you right now. It seems like there's not much on the horizon and you could really use some inspiration and positive vibes to propel you into the next phase. It's not surprising you're feeling fraught. Work is taking over your life and it seems that things may be starting to get on top of you. You could really use some time and space to think.

The way you approach each day can have huge implications for your success in the workplace. You're a naturally enthusiastic and energised person and you definitely know how to live life to the full. But if you're really serious about implementing positive change in your career, you might need to look at the way you balance your time. You can't expect too much from yourself. It might be a case of shifting priorities for the time being and there's a chance that a spot of exercise could do you the world of good. Getting some fresh air and letting those endorphins flow may be just the thing you need to put the spring back in your step.

The Future

You may still be a student but you're smart to be thinking ahead and checking out your career options. You're about to embark on a really exciting time in your life - and there's going to be lots of decisions to make that will shape your future. Try not to feel too intimidated by the challenges ahead. These are the kind of experiences that will really allow you to grow and develop into your adult self. Allow yourself to embrace the opportunity to take risks and experiment with who you are and how you present yourself to the world.

Daryl Hall And John Oates - You Make My Dreams Come True

Daryl Hall And John Oates - You Make My Dreams Come True

What I want you've got
And it might be hard to handle
Like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah

What I've got's full stock
Of thoughts and dreams that scatter
Then you pull them all together
And how I can't explain

Oh, yeah
Well, well you
(Ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo)
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
Well, well, well you
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Oh, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

On a night when bad dreams become a screamer
When they're messin' with the dreamer
I can laugh it in the face
Twist and shout my way out

And wrap yourself around me
'Cos I ain't the way you found me
And I'll never be the same

Oh, yeah
Well, 'cos you
(Ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo)
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
Well, well, well you
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

Listen to this

I'm down on my daydream
Oh, that sleepwalk should be over by now
I know
'Bout you
Yeah, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

Oh, yeah
I've waited, waited for you, girl
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Oh, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
You and me, you and me...

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Interesting information about Scorpios that i found

I may not always be a believer in astrology and/ or astronomy but i find these particular information about 90% true to me.

Scorpio the Scorpion

Scorpio is the Eighth Sign of the Zodiac. It is associated with beginnings and endings...and those born under this Sign are unafraid of either, possessing a deep, driving desire and unstoppable determination to learn about others. The Sun enters Scorpio as Autumn advances. It is a time of impending hiberation, but even as the land is chilled, the seeds within the earth promise eventual reawakening. This is the Season of Scorpio...perhaps the most complex of all Zodiac Signs. It is significant that this Sign has not one symbol, but several: the Scorpion, the Eagle and the Phoenix, each contributing distinctive qualities to the Sign's nature. Aggression and instinct are provided courtesy of the Scorpion aspect, illustrated by way of destructive behavior, a viciously competitive personality with a tendency to be violent and cruel. The Eagle aspect provides a shrewd insight possessed by most Scorpio natives...they have the ability to see what others miss. They discern hidden motives, ferreting out secret flaws and vulnerabilities. Indeed, due to the thirst for power and and mastery, those governed by this Zodiac Sign are not above exploiting the weaknesses of others to their own advantage. It has been said that counted among the most important tasks of those ruled by Scorpio is the necessity to rid themselves of the tendency to be judgmental, learning to temper their insight with compassion. Individuals who can manage this difficult assignment manifest the virtues of the Phoenix...the redemptive third aspect of this Sign. Much like the Phoenix, those governed by Scorpio are survivors. In an emotional sense, they may perish in the ashes of their own destructive nature, but they can also transcend and transform. According to some sources, the Dove is also symbolic of this Sign, lending those it rules the virtue of compassion, as is the Snake or Serpent. Natives of Scorpio do possess a capacity for high spritual development, but it is generally believed that their path toward such enlightenment will be the most difficult of the entire Zodiac. In short, those governed by this Sign must become alchemists...transmuting dark instinct and selfish impulse into purified desire. They must also strive to discipline themselves, working toward curbing and chanelling their considerable power for constructive purposes.
The symbol...or glyph...of Scorpio is generally considered to be a representation of the legs and tail of the Scorpion, signifying the power of this Sign to suddenly and fatally...often with a hint of wilful cruelty or vindictiveness...sting whatever and whomever may have hurt its feelings or denied its strong-willed desires. This glyph has also been interpreted as a modification of that associated with Virgo, but into a symbol of male sexuality and selfish instincts. However, on a psychic level, Scorpio does indicate penetrating insightfulness. Displaying an upward arrow extension, the symbol of Scorpio represents energy in the form of an upward movement of the soul in its journey homeward. This is also an energy that is not easily constrained and carries an impulse to invade in an unswerving and focused manner.

Also known as the Sign of the Mystic or the Investigator, Scorpio is Negative in polarity (as are Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn and Pisces). The general characteristics of Negative Signs lean toward introversion and prefer to draw upon personal resources rather than look for external stimuli. Such individuals are naturally more receptive, sensitive and nurturing than are the Zodiac Signs of Positive polarity (Aries, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius). However, Negative Signs are also likely to be much more cautious, retiring and standoffish than their Positive counterparts with a tendency to keep personal feelings under tight control. Taurus is the most introverted of the Negative Signs (with Virgo a close second).

All Zodiac Signs governed by the Elements of Earth and Water are considered to be Feminine in nature. Thus, Scorpio (ruled by water) is considered Feminine (as are Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn and Pisces). Feminine Signs are traditionally conceived as being more receptive and less active than their Masculine counterparts which are ruled by the Elements of Fire and Air (the Zodiac Signs of Aries, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius). Feminine Signs focus primarily on the emotional and material world with particular attention to sensitivity and depth of feeling. Feminine Signs are said to be noctural or night-oriented. Therefore, the term "feminine" should be viewed in the same light as the Yin (or dark) Polarity of the Tao.

Scorpio is the natural ruler of the Eighth House of the Zodiac, commonly referred to as the "House of Death and Inheritance" and known in Vedic Astrology as the "Idle Place" and "Place of Death." It delves into relationships, interactions and how certain aspects of such interactions can take on a more communal nature. Associated with the dismantling of the physical body, it is related to the passing of those persons an individual holds near and dear. It also rules the areas in life over which a human being has no control or can provide no explanation, as well as being linked to the finances and resources of others. In addition, it has jurisdiction over taxes, inheritances and investment banking. This House is also said to govern those things or forces that are invisible...prayer, for example, or the world of magic...shamanism, regeneration and the afterlife. In the ancient world, this House was deemed sacred. In modern times, it is this House that is said to rule all that is considered to be taboo in society. It is within this House that a person's sexual urges are revealed, along with deep-seated primitive and base instincts. Here also resides instense emotional connections, fears and obsessions. In addition, the Eighth House has jurisdiction over crime, research and investigation. It is governed by the Planet Pluto.

The opposite sign to Scorpio is Taurus. From Taurus, Scorpio can learn to appreciate the variety of other people's talents and value them as they truly deserve. Thus, can Scorpio natives become more gentle with themselves.

Positive Traits: determined, persistent, resourceful, powerful, intuitive, passionate, emotional, exciting and magnetic

Negative Traits: jealousy, resentful, compulsive, obsessive, secretive, obstinate, stubborn, manipulative and vindictive

Likes: truthfulness, hidden causes, being involved, being persuasive and work that is meaningful

Dislikes: being given only surface data, being taken advantage of, shallow relationships, accepting and giving flattery

------------

Spiritual Goal:  To learn to use talents to guide others
Spiritual Correspondence:  The Archangels
Apostle:  Thomas
Prophet:  Obadiah
Anatomy:  Rules the bladder and reproductive organs
Corresponding Tarot Card:  Death
Associated Countries:  Norway, Syria, Algeria and Zambia
Associated Cities:  New Orleans, Washington DC, Liverpool and Halifax
Animals:  Scorpion, Eagle, Wolf, Phoenix and Insects
Watchword:  Power
Keynote:  Justice
Physical Manifestation:  Combustion
Mental Manifestation:  Determination
Motto:  The Truth Is Light
Quote:  I Desire

------------------

The Male

The Scorpio male is said to be the epitome of the strong and silent type...although he is never at a loss for words on the right occasion. Intensely emotional yet reticent in his expression of affection, others should not be misled by this man's apparently thick skin. At heart, he is a sensitive soul. Because of this, jealousy could be the Scorpio male's worse fault and he will need a partner who has eyes for nobody else but him. This man is almost certain to be in a career that requires specialization...surgery, industrial design or police detection, for example. Therefore, his work will always come first. Possessed of a wry and sometimes cruel wit, this is essentially a kind-hearted man who is blessed with a philosophical turn of mind. He is cognizant of the favorably appealing affect he has on anyone attracted to him, but often acts aloof since he would rather hunt than be hunted. As a sweetheart, he is intense and moody, liable to chase his quarry with much determination. However, if kept at bay too long, this male is likely to hate instead of love or lose interest very suddenly. As a life partner, he will be extremely occupied with his family and home, although he may not always give this impression. Details usually fail to interest the Scorpio male and he is quite content to leave the mundane responsibilites to his partner. However, when it comes to such things as the education of a child or that child's developing personality, then the man ruled by Scorpio will throw himself whole-heartedly into the project.

Typically an old-fashioned individual, this man is not always easy to live with since he can be overbearing. He expects a partner to be receptive to his every thought and follow his instructions with total obedience. Usually a successful soul, the male governed by Scorpio is well able to support a family, but his intensely personal passion and highly possessive attitude may prove to be something of a strain on loved ones. Indeed, no matter how much love and devotion this man receives, it is in his nature to be secretive and suspicious. In short, he will almost always suspect that deceptive conditions are working against him, even though such conditions usually do not exist and are largely imaginative in origin. The depth of this male's affection for loved ones is genuine but he cannot seem to learn how to be more pliable. The man ruled by Scorpio is prone to indulge in excesses. His desires may often be unnatural...and even gross...but nonetheless, demand satisfaction. However, since this male tends to suffer deeply from his indulgences, he is apt to make inward promises of temperance once the appetites have been satiated.

-----------------

Love Life

Within every native of Scorpio, there is an intense sexuality and smoldering sensuality. Here, there is a profound depth and attraction to love and what accompanies love in life. Those ruled by Scorpio are passionate when they invest their feelings and things are never boring with a Scorpio sweetheart. They thrive best when they feel secure and stable within a relationship, enjoying the physical gifts of being in love as much as they enjoy the emotional ones. The mates of Scorpio individuals will never fathom what is on the mind of their partners since this Sign is essentially...and constantly...mysterious by nature. The one exception to this is when a Scorpio native is engaging in expression through his or her passion. These are watchful, quiet and dedicated souls who can be as protective of the ones they love as they are of their own vulnerable emotions and feelings. The Scorpio subject tends to be dominate in any relationship since feeling in control is one of the ways in which he or she can invest the heart. Although there is a notorious jealous streak here, accompanied by a deep-rooted possessiveness, the Scorpio native is capable of an unequaled level of trust and faith in terms of love and romance. Those who fall under the jurisdiction of this Zodiac Sign are usually unafraid to face either life or death and such fearlessness translates into sexual expression. They can reach the highest highs or the lowest lows in whatever passion they pursue and they are the most intense, uninhibited and dynamic individuals of the Zodiac in terms of physical intimacy.

Those who fall under the jurisdiction of Scorpio possess an electrifying magnetism that tends to draw partners into their charmed circle. Not everyone is prone to recognize the attraction at first since Scorpio natives tend to hide their light under a bushel. These are souls who are far from light-hearted in love...save in inspired flashes...because they reach for the stars, expecting the highest ecstasy from their emotional lives. Unfortunately, individuals governed by this Sign are bitterly disappointed when this falls short of their dreams. The Scorpio impact on a potential mate can be magnificent, but it will all depend on whether this native is in the mood. Still, these are not heartless or ruthless types and possess little in the way of dalliance skills. Scorpio subjects desire a love affair that will give off sparks and they are deeply affected, even when only thinking about a loved one. Here, the intuition in love is highly developed and a response can be sensed in another almost immediately. Scorpio can be intensely jealous, but is one of the few who do not place too much importance on faithfulness...believing in a personal power to maintain a lifetime hold over a mate. Past sweethearts probably never forget a Scorpio love interest or the effect such a relationship had on their lives. Utterly sincere in their determination to make a success of a long-term committment, individuals governed by Scorpio want to be "in love" all their lives.

Those governed by Scorpio prefer a partner who can help him or her obtain what is truly desired. Indeed, Scorpio natives ordinarily expect measurable results and benefits from any and all relationships/associations. At times, the rather demanding nature of this Sign can become distasteful, but it is up to the individual to decide whether a partnership with Scorpio will be worth all the effort and trouble. Scorpio natives tend to be rather pleased if others understand, approve and perhaps even appreciate the fact that they do possess somewhat fixed ideas and opinions regarding most matters. Also well appreciated will be the further realization that Scorpio individuals cannot tolerate anyone hounding them to change. Basically, they are prone to adore partners who are especially patient. It should never be forgotten that in the romantic arena, the physical aspect of any relationship will be vitally important to those governed by this Sign. Natives of Scorpio do not care for individuals who lack determination and direction, believing that it is necessary to have a definite and clear-cut goal regarding what is wanted from life. Most people ruled by Scorpio take their own goals and turn them into burning desires. Essentially, these are strongly desire-motivated individuals...ones who are more than a little put out by anyone who dares to criticize them for seeking fulfillment of their aims in life.

When it comes to long term commitments, the Scorpio native requires solid security without feeling that his or her partner is a doormat. This tends to be a precarious balance that is only learned over the course of time. The longer a Scorpio individual is in a relationship, then the more secure that relationship is prone to become. These are naturally suspicious souls (feeling and seeing things that most of the general population work to ignore) and such depth is accompanied by the need for some equally powerful self-protective mechanisms. Here, the insecurity and jealousy are by-products of self-preservation. The Scorpio subject likes to be in control and is very seldom found in a subservient role, unless he or she has chosen to occupy such a position. These are persons who need passionate mates...ones who can keep pace with the inherent Scorpio desire. In addition, they need partners who are capable of both maintaining a loyalty and their own sense of individuality. This is of paramount importance if the relationship is to be balanced. Those governed by this Zodiac Sign are essentially homebodies, feeling most comfortable when they are within their own domains. They despise being surprised, embarrassed or humiliated and will retaliate with incredible swiftness and strength. This is a Sign capable of amazing turn-around and growth. In short, the Scorpio powers of rejuvenation...either physical, spiritual or emotional...should never be underestimated.

The Scorpio male is impulsive, energetic and ambitious, possessing great physical and mental vigor. He is a champion of human rights...as well as his own...and as a result, is often "at odds" with government agencies. This man is quick to make any partner understand that he is the boss and above all else, is completely intolerant of any outsider meddling in what he considers to be his personal life. Still, beneath the hard surface, there is usually a rather soft and balsam-like heart. The Scorpio male always says exactly what he means. All Scorpio natives possess a second sight when it comes to knowing what is really happening with people, places and things. Thus, if a potential mate is looking to fool the man ruled by this Sign into thinking one thing and doing somethig different, the result will be certain disaster since Scorpio is dangerous when crossed. Generally, Scorpio men are very physical, but tend to be emotional and almost poetic in their pursuit of love. Still, there is a certain brutality and radical honesty here that some Zodiac Signs frequently find difficult to comprehend. Brutally frank...brutally honest...brutally brutal...males ruled by Scorpio refuse to do anything halfway, which includes the love they have for their partners. Once these men have set a goal to attain something or someone, they will do whatever is necessary to achieve their desired objective, regardless of how long the process might take. No potential partner should ever try to change or reform the Scorpio male. The quickest way to chase him away is to encourage him to dress differently, or correct his manner or speech, or rearrange his closet or office filing system. What this man does, he does the way he does...because that is exactly the way he wants to do it. It will also be important not to ask him for an accounting of his business or how he makes his living or where his money comes from. Scorpio is one of the most private Signs of the Zodiac but because of the outright honesty (which is inherent in the Scorpio character), its natives will reveal anything and everything...provided they are not asked to do so. In order to be happy with a Scorpio male, any potential partner will need to learn that patience and understanding are the most valuable virtues to possess when dealing with him. If he appears blunt and even rude at times, he should not be antagonized...wait until he is in a more affable mood and then try a little flattery, which usually does the trick quite nicely with this man.

Positive Aspects Of Scorpio In Love:
Loyal - Supportive - Protective - Generous with Strength and Knowledge - Humble - Quiet - Unshakable - Passionate - Encompassing

Negative Aspects Of Scorpio In Love:
Possessive - Jealous - Obsessive - Quick to Anger - Suspicious - Mistrusting - Secretive - Unreliable

Romantic Style:
Powerful - Passionate - Emotionally Forceful
Scorpio natives are often regarded as somewhat magnetic and the libido here is said to be legendary. However, these individuals can be exceedingly jealous and resentful, requiring a partner who can respond at the deepest of levels. In short, those governed by Scorpio have no time or patience for superficial unions. This is a sign which possesses much stamina, but one that can be both brutal and emotional. This subject understands the innermost needs of a partner and is an expert in the art of love and romance. Still, there will always be the tendency toward jealousy and the seeking of revenge...to say nothing of the secretive character associated with this Sign. These natives are prone to act mysterious and profound, but it will be necessary for any mate not to get upset over this...if left to themselves, those ruled by Scorpio will eventually come down to earth.

--------------

Scorpio and Taurus

Both Scorpio and Taurus are prone to be extremely stubborn Signs, to say nothing of being opinionated and set in their ways. This can reflect back on the relationship and make even minor issues a cause for all out war...with the more serious conflicts becoming virtually intolerable. Still, money problems are not likely to arise here since both partners take a serious approach to finances. Scorpio and Taurus are by nature possessive and jealous, but this could bring them closer together as each will understand the feelings of insecurity that the other is experiencing. Both partners share the basic need for a secure and stable background. Thus, a domestic environment will play a large part in their life together. However, these shared attitudes and traits may be all that can make this relationship a workable proposition. Fights are not likely to stop long enough for this couple to work on their differences in an unprejudiced manner or for any suggestion on the part of either to be implemented. Yet another cause of tension will be the conflict of Scorpio's strong and emotional nature to the rational and realistic character of Taurus. Here, the romantic life will be erratic at best. Both partners tend to be physically active in a sexual sense but the times their desires conincide could be far too few to provide satisfaction in a long term committment.

If nothing else, a Scorpio/Taurus union will be intense...either positively or negatively. These Signs are opposite on the Zodiac Wheel which does lend a rather special and complex connection between the two and they can, on occasion, combine to make a whole with each partner's strengths balancing the other's weaknesses. There is much in common here, but because both personalities are so powerful, they often swing between passionate romance and passionate disagreement. Scorpio and Taurus are Signs that possess deep desires...Scorpio for power and Taurus for possessions. Both are concerned with wealth and resources...in addition to being impassioned about all sorts of things. The Taurus native is probably somewhat more self-focused than Scorpio, who tends to be more involved with his or her mate and immediate family. The Taurus partner will prize honesty and forthrightness and abhor infidelity. Unfortunately for Taurus, natives of Scorpio are prone to be mysterious...their need for security related to the need for constant reassurance that the emotional connection with any mate is a solid one. Luckily, Taurus also requires this type of reassurance and is more than willing to provide such to a partner.

Scorpio is ruled by the planet Pluto and Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus. Courtesy of Pluto's influence, this makes for an intense combination...one which is an excellent balance of masculine and feminine energy. Together, Scorpio and Taurus form the basis of all love relationships...love and passion. Venus also combines well with Mars (the ruling planet of Scorpio prior to the discovery of Pluto). Mars is associated with the passion of romance and Venus with the beauty. By nature, Scorpio natives are smoldering and intense...to say nothing of being highly sexual. Taurus, inherently sensual and tireless, cannot help but be attracted to Scorpio's intensity. In turn, Scorpio enjoys the devotion which is a natural trait of Taurus individuals. Scorpio is governed by the element of Water while Taurus is governed by the element of Earth. Scorpio is prone to be deep...like an ocean...but too much upset can cause a tidal wave. When natives of Scorpio believe they have been crossed by a partner, then retaliation can be vindictive and vicious. Fortunately, Scorpio and Taurus are Signs that will usually be exceedingly loyal to each other. However, where Taurus is open with everything laid bare on the surface, Scorpio is more secretive and inscrutible. Each can teach the other about their opposite views of life (i.e., direct versus complex) and another factor which adds a tantalizing dimension to this union is the shared tendency toward jealousy. The Taurus partner will just adore Scorpio's jealous displays since it means that he or she is adored and appreciated. Scorpio and Taurus are both Fixed in quality, which means both are likely to be somewhat stubborn and resolute once their minds have been made up. It can only be hoped that their minds agree or there will certainly be battles...the likes of which neither is likely to experience with any other Zodiac Signs. Here, Taurus appears to prevail as the dominant partner, but such is not always the case. The Scorpio native will be very adept at winning through more devious means...employing emotional manipulation to get what he or she wants, for example. This pair must learn to discuss their views and needs in an open fashion to ensure a happy and lasting union. Compromise is also essential and this will depend largely upon the Scorpio partner's ability to learn to trust Taurus. If this couple cannot overcome their opinionated stances, then the relationship is doomed to failure. Still, this is a powerful connection that can shine when obstacles to intimacy are cleared away. Once the Scorpio partner realizes that Taurus is committed and unlikely to create the misery that some natives of Scorpio seem to attract to their lives, this union could blossom and flourish.

In essence, this combination is one of mutual admiration. In a romantic sense, the physical ties will be strong and the pair usually have much in common. However, the chief problem is likely to be jealousy...and it almost invariably shows its face sooner or later. Here, longevity is best achieved when the Taurus native is very careful to keep faith with his or her Scorpio partner.

----------------------------------------------

Long read, though i gotta say that i quite thoroughly enjoyed it. Once again i find it 90% true to me, with ever so little being false that you might as well consider it true as a whole.

Carnival

His eyes open. The bright lights consume him. He looks around and sees smiling faces all around him, faces of the people he loves, the people that he cares. The carnival is filled with happy people all around, holding hands, families laughing and enjoying each other's company. Laughter and joy fills the air. Happiness and glee is all over. The boy gets sucked into all of it, feeling the mood around him. He holds the hands of his parents, then smiles at them.

His eyelids close for a blink. The world goes silent. He opens to find nothing but bright lights of the carnival but the people around him whisper not a sound. He takes a good look at them, people, smiling at each other, but not moving, not beating a single drop of blood, merely cardboard cut outs of people all around. He looks around. Everyone is the same. In panic, he looks at his parents. Cardboard cut outs. Cardboard cut outs of people who still seem to be smiling. In this world filled with smiles and laughter, yet he is all alone. He runs around in search for hope. At every corner he turns, at every edge of his eyes, cut outs of smiles and joy.

He sits down, exhausted and tired. Though he knows this, he knows this is somehow not the first time its been like this. Everytime when all seems lost, a glimmer appears and lights things up, a light that animates and moves things around him, the life that naturally glows and radiates, and so much as he tries, he is unable to resist and gets sucked into it, caught in the smiles and laughter, but as soon as it starts, this happens again. This has always happened.

He sits down, quiet like death. Streams flow as he wishes this to just all stop.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

New Semester~

Rawr... so begins the new uni Semester. Okay, its been going on for quite some time already so... this is a seriously delayed comment. >.> Meh, this semester seems quite jam packed right from the start, but a fun semester none the less. Its been... what... 20 odd days? 21 to be precise since i left Malaysia >.> I gotta say i'm starting to miss it already... Well not the country to be precise but the people there. >.> <.< Yeah... Maybe coz i'm starting to miss my hamster a bit now :x just vid chatting to her the other day felt... hmm.... tormenting? Not really the right word, but it was the 'I can't believe i'm so far away now that even though i wanna hug and kiss her i can't' sort of emotion. Meh, >.< I'll learn to jam it back down the hole in which it surfaced out from, and focus on doing my work... Though i'll try and satisfy it from time to time.

Nay, the end of the year can't come sooner.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Morning

The time is 9:45 am. I am in her house, her parents have left and the rest of her family including her have not awakened yet. Earlier this morning all I was met with was sorrow is my heart, and weight in my soul. I... Don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much that this situation i'm in is like a living torture... As I set down here on the couch, I find that I can't do anything without having a momentary lapse of breakdown. The weight in my chest feels heavy. I am sad yet I find myself unable to cry when I need to, the only time being only when I listen to music... Its the gateway to the soul after all.

A white room, endless in its boundaries and size, with walls that seem to reach the ends of the earth. Within this room, in the center of it, lays a bird cage, a small cage. From afar, sounds can be heard. Sounds of a bird's frantic cries.

The small little black bird within the cage cries. It cries yet all that is heard are echoes in the distance. The bird longs for freedom, for happiness, for release. Yet as much as it cries, the only replies it hears are the reverberations off the wall. It cries for hours, and hours, yet no one comes to its aid. It flaps its wings frantically as to be noticed but not a soul notices it in this empty barren white world. It cries with all its might, slowly growing tired. Its voice weakens, its muscles lose their strenght. It pauses momentarily, looking around.

No one is to be seen. As its always been, the room is empty. Sorrow fills its eyes. The bird falls to its side, motionless. All is quiet except for the faint calls of the bird asking for help. Then silence. But the bird isn't dead, for death doesn't exist in this realm. As if to mock the bird, his voice is once replenished, his strength returned, yet its overflowing sorrow remains. An hour later the bird twitches. It slowly regains itself back on its feet. Once again, it begins its cries.


Yellowcard - Afraid

I lie in this empty bed
With this aching head
You left me here this morning
Now I can't remember

Why I let you in again
To get under my skin
And every time you disappear
Then I remember

I look for you
But I can't see your face
And then I hear you
The only thing you say

I am afraid right now
I don't wanna let you down
And I am the one who can't be saved
The only thing I say

I am afraid right now
What if I can't get out?
What if I don't want to be saved?
This is me afraid

Now there's no place like home
To make me feel alone
I see you everywhere I am
And I remember

How you ran out to hide
You kept me close behind
Following your every move
So I remember

I look for you
But I can't see your face
And then I hear you
The only thing you say

I am afraid right now
I don't wanna let you down
And I am the one who can't be saved
The only thing I say

I am afraid right now
What if I can't get out?
What if I don't want to be saved?
This is me afraid

I look for you
But I can't see your face
Then I hear you
The only thing you say is
Don't look for me
'Cause you will never say
And you won't hear me
You won't hear me

Why do we keep this up?
Why do we live like us?
When there is nothing left to save
Will you be afraid?

I am afraid right now
You already let me down
You are the one who can't be saved
If only I could say

I am afraid right now
You never will get out
You'll never let yourself be saved
You are so afraid
You are so afraid

I will still smile as the day goes by. After all, I know how to lie.

Yellowcard - Paper Walls


Let's burn a hole so we can climb out
Of these paper walls and this empty house
Don't listen too close, their words are likeguns
With bullets that fly and kill what you've won

Let's burn a hole so we can climb out
Of these paper walls and this empty house
We're the only thing that's real

These visions we have of ten years ago
Of stars in the sky and us down below
With streets and East Coast lines
We kept this scene alive

Here I am, still hold on to this
Dream we had, won't let go of it
Hear me now, you will never be alone

Don't listen too close, their words are like guns
With bullets that fly and kill what you've won
Some love to hate and some tell you lies
So let's make a toast and kiss them goodbye
We'll kiss them all goodbye

Here I am, still hold on to this
Dream we had, won't let go of it
Hear me now, you will never be alone

Here I stand, won't turn back again
Won't leave you, know how hard it's been
Hear me now, you will never be alone, yeah

Let's take what hurts and write it all down
On these paper walls and this empty house
And when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground

Here I am, still hold on to this
Dream we had, won't let go of it
Hear me now, you will never be alone

Here I stand, won't turn back again
Won't leave you, know how hard it's been
Hear me now, you will never be alone, yeah

Twilight zone.

Ladies and gentlemen, i'm about to enter... The twilight zone. A place where no man has ever embarked, a place where happiness and fear coexist, a place where pandora's box might just be around the corner. Indeed this is no journey for the light hearted, neither is it a journey for the lost, but I need to know something and if entering this veil is the only way I can get the answer, then so be it. This will be a journey one won't soon forget. Ladies and gentlemen, i'm about to embark on a 3 day expedition... Into her house.

 In the meantime,


Yellowcard - Fighting

Said I'd move on and I'd leave it alone
But before I walk out there is something
That I need you to know
I got lost in a blink of an eye
And I can never get back
No, I never got back

You were not there when I wanted to say
That you were everything right
And it wasn't you but me that change
Now I got to go it alone
But I'll never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

Said I'm okay but I know how to lie
You were all that I had
You were delicate and hard to find
Got lost in the back of my mind
And I can never get back
No, I never got back

You were not there when I needed to say
I hit the bottom so fast
That my head was spinning 'round for days
Now I gotta go it alone
But I will never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

What am I fighting for?
What am I fighting for?
Never give up on this
Never give up on this
Never give up on this
Never give up on this

Said I'm okay but I know how to lie
I will never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

What am I fighting for?
(No, I'm never gonna give up, give up)
What am I fighting for?
(No, I'm never gonna give up, give up)
Said that I'd fight for the one that I've found
I'm gonna stay here while I wait
For you to come around
I'd fight, you're a part of me now
And I will never give up
No, I'll never give up
--
Sent from my mobile device

Monday, June 14, 2010

Loss for words

Not much to add to that isn't there... its as it says, i'm lost for words. I don't know what to do i don't know what to say, i'm confused if anything. I still love her, i do. Very much so. But why do i somehow feel betrayed? or wronged of sorts? i don't know, is that the right thing to be feeling? 

Even then, I really want to talk to her right now. Just... talk, about something. Somehow with the impression that everything will piece together.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Blog

Hello there blog.

It's been a while since i last posted on here hasn't it blog. Lately assignments and work have been keeping me busy, i haven't had much time to rant about much but... i guess who am i kidding, i always have something on my mind. 

I talked to one of my friend's today. I was telling him how i watched a show which said that in a long relationship, chemistry was more important than love, and i guess i do agree with that. You see, you can learn to love someone, but without chemistry you can never get along with that person. Don't mistake me blog, i believe that what me and her have, is love and chemistry. I mean i believe we started off with chemistry anyway...

So point into it, i'm worried. I look at pictures of us every day, my phone, my wallet, my tables... and i think to myself. What if we will never get back to that stage? What if when i get back home, things would be so different that it'll hurt? What if indeed. It wouldn't change the fact that i still love her after these 3 months. How do i know? well, i can say it out loud and proud that i love her and there is no breath of hesitation in me. That alone is enough justification for me that my feelings for her are still just and there, besides, i know i love her anyway, even without that. The thing is... is love enough? Is it enough to carry us through all these things? 

Brings me back to why i have this current thoughts in my head. Possibly over a month ago i talked to her and we had a small squabble, and one thing i remembered fondly was her mentioning that she wouldn't stay with me if i didn't earn more money with her. I'm not saying that i won't earn more money than her in the future, i know that much, but its just the thought of it blog. The thought of her saying such a thing. Was our relationship based on something so materialistic such that the absence of money all together means the end of everything? Was it a lie on that day that she told me that she'd be by my side no matter what, at the time when i was having university problems? Was her love for me something more materialistically based rather than emotionally....?

No, I refuse to believe that to be so. I do not want to believe in it. If anything i want to believe that she fell in love with me for all the right reasons. Call me naive, but even in this world where everything is realistic and "gloom and doom" I still believe in true love. I believe that it still exists even in a world like this, only thing is whether i'm part of it.

Blog, I still love her, and i still love her greatly. Reminiscing back to the horror movies where she'd hold my arm and bury herself into my shoulders, or the moments where we'd get into so much trouble for doing stupid things... The moments where everything just felt so right and there was not a care in the world.... They still make me put on that silly smile on my face, the one i did when i first started out with her. The silly smiling, the giggling... The untold happiness... But thats the root of the problem there, I've been built up on all of this so high now that i'm wondering to myself whether this trip back will be the deciding factor whether i'd lose it all. Whether those words will come out of her which will make all these happy moments inside me come crashing down. 

Sigh. I don't know. I have a few days before I head back to Malaysia. Part of me dreads it. Part of me can't sit still thinking about it. Touch wood, what if i hear the words "I don't love you like i did before" comes out. Surely even if things ended there and then, it wouldn't mean the end of the world... I'm a logical person, i know that... But i'd still be a very distraught very broken and very.... saddened person. I can't push blame on long distance relationships. Its not as if it was brought upon intentionally, no. it was there to begin with and we just decided to go ahead and walk right into it, knowing that we'd survive it. So its not the long distance relationship. 

But maybe, and what it, its part of that adventuristic personality of hers? What if part of that personality to explore, go out there, live the adrenaline life attitude is part of not being able to settle for someone like me who is so far away? I don't know what to say, maybe its part of her impression of me either. I know that she doesn't perceive me as a go getter with drive at times but I have my own drives and i have my own goals in life. While they may not be extravagant and out there, i believe them to be realistic and within arms reach. I do not ask to be a millionaire though i work to be one. I do not ask for fast fancy cars, big houses, all the women i can possibly get... I'm too simple a person. I'm contempt with happiness minus the materialistic bounds of life.

Is it stupid for me to say that if i were to live a life where i had a family i loved dearly, i lived in a modest house, had a modest life and more importantly am capable of giving my family a good life make me a fool? At this current point in time, i feel... like i should be prepared for the worst. Or rather i should have more faith. One or the other. One will set me up so that i can cope with things easier, though should things go for the better i'd be thankful... and the latter would set me for a huge fall should things go bad... though if it worked i would feel proud for not questioning what we have... Indeed what mindset i carry out when i see her will be a mystery, if i see her...

Indeed to say, i am quite looking forward to travelling back with her to penang as well. I want that time with her, i want more time with her before i go. The last thing i want to do is let go of anything that we have.

Blog, i love her, i love her greatly, but... what am i supposed to do next?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Cloudy.

Cloudy. Cloudy. Cloudy. Cloudy. God damned Cloudy. I can't see past myself. I can't see anything. I'm choking on this damn smog. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SMOG. WHERE THE HECK DID THIS CLOUD COME FROM.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Change

Change is unavoidable. Evolution is undeniable. Things are bound for that course one way or another. Change. Happens. Good or bad I can't seem to tell for the moment. However I'm not shocked, and maybe that worries me. Foreboded and foreseen perhaps is the reason to that. Predicted? Maybe. It rips not violently into the soul but slowly, like the vice grips slowly tightening on the heart. You feel the effects but its still bearable and tolerable. Even so. Question arises. If i had known this were to happen, did i do anything to stop it from happening. The answer to that doesn't bring me any comfort. The fact that i knew its arrival, yet denied it, even now. Even now i can feel the denial of it, no, its not denial, its ignorance. Why am i like this i wonder, why?

Friday, April 30, 2010

Steven Quarre & Morris Mavada Feat. Stanford - The Reason

Funky songs you come across listening to house music :3 here's the chorus since i can't catch the rest xD

Hed Kandi - A Taste of Winter 2010
Steven Quarre & Morris Mavada Feat. Stanford - The Reason

I could run a thousand miles to be with you
Watch the sunrise in your eyes
You came into my life
And made my life worth living
I would jump and touch the sky or learn to fly, 
Your love has got me high

Baby you're the reason that i'm breathing~

hehe. Yep, that is all. Now back to doing work XD

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Synthetic

The hamster fears the unwanted evolution. The unwanted change. The
change of feeling. The connection that feels forced, the bond that
feels synthetic. Ties that hold under memories that was, life lived in
that pretense. Its not of himself that the fear is of but of the other
however. What will happen then. Worry engulfs me. Am I worrying too
much. Though I fear that once we've met once again, things will not be
the same, a change I can't say is for the better.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Monday, April 26, 2010

Back from Adelaide

Yeah, back from Adelaide, and just felt in the mood to post something up in my blog i guess... I can't really say i did enjoy Adelaide, it was just more concentrated time for me to focus on what troubles me and what it is.... nothing much other than that... In a way i came back a bit more depressed even though it was supposed to be a holiday from it all.

For starters lets talk about futures, particularly careers. At the moment, i'm an international student in Australia, and ever since i left games graphics programming, i'm considered a bachelor of arts now... What does this mean? future careers for me won't employ designers which are fresh out of uni... they prefer and possibly only hire people who have been in the industry before and as such, employment for me in that field will be difficult no less. Thats why i'm planning to at least take up a small course in programming and IT as well, something that can prove my skills in programming i suppose. what this means is that i can go into the company as a programmer and that should give me a better chance at things. Especially employment.

If that was all then i guess i'd be fine, another thing is that i have to come to a realisation that Australia just may not have enough big studios for me. I mentioned it before, but i guess i'm taking UK employment a bit more serious now, in fact, my current plan is to get my PR in Australia and then get a job in UK, mostly because they have more studios there. I would be lying i guess if i said that my girlfriend possibly being there in the future didn't affect this decision, but i guess primarily it would be because i'm worried about future jobs and careers and the like.

Coming onto that, i am worried about my relation with my girlfriend as well. How deep are we in this? Is it deep enough? is it strong enough? how far are you willing to go for that significant other, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make just to be with that one person? I know my answers, but i'm waiting for hers in a way. I guess thats what is making me worry in a way. Maybe i'm taking this relationship too seriously, even more seriously than she is. IDK, IDK... I just don't want to think anymore, and even holiday escapes now don't seem to be helping my mind sort out...

This seriously sucks...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

heh.

Well, here i am again blog o.o semi riled up, kinda frustrated with no real... way to vent it. Things haven't been going according to how i would've loved them to go for me. Naturally i'm feeling a lot of anger pent up, a lot of frustration, and i don't think i have a good place to vent it all, neither do i think i want to vent it all. Its aimless, pointless and... just... i don't think it'll help thats all. I'm not happy with the way my life is going. I'd love to say i'd rough it out all over again, but everything around me seems to be crumbling down that i myself feel like its happening to me. I'm taking minimal amount of joy in doing the little things that make me happy and keep my spirit and hopes high but its not working very well at all. This environment and this lifestyle i am in is depressing. Dear god, it honestly is extremely depressing.

I need out of this. I want to rip my body open as if i were trapped in some sort of confining shell holding me back, but this is the truth of the position i am in, and its who i am. Words only get you so far, actions do the rest. I haven't found motivation enough to drive my actions....

Say blog, where did my younger years go? Not saying that i miss my childhood or what not, but back in the day when i would work tirelessly for perfection, i would take pride in what i do, i pride myself for being a good student, attending every class and being on somewhat like an honour roll, doing every assignment before they're due... I feel like i'm slipping slowly from what i used to be, into this depressing self that i am in now. Feasting off the physical things and benefits in life to keep me happy or distracted for those few minutes if i can. I don't know how it came to this. I feel epicly saddenned looking at my current state of self. Where did i go. Where is my usual self. Funny how i feel like breaking down this very moment, i feel like my mindset at the moment is like a fragile piece ready to break any moment.

In all honesty then i don't feel like a lot of people around me have been supportive to my case. In fact, even if they were, I don't know how anyone could help me except myself, yet i don't know where to go. I don't want a holiday, i don't want escape from all this work and study life, i just want the old me back. I just do. Not to mention i have people pushing me at every corner, with expectations of me and though i don't really and usually succumb to peer pressure, its really bringing me down now. Even my hamster may not realise this but... i guess its kinda contributing to it. Still, i try to be happy and smile and laugh about the things i can before i realise i have to snap back to reality and begin feeling this self pity and disgust all over again. Its not that easy to climb out of this mental state, its not something that can be fixed at the snap of a finger. 

I feel like i'm going to loose everything. I'm going to and i know it. Then i'll be left with nothing left and will be just sitting there in a state of emptiness, with my whole self just broken, torn and one the floor in pieces. How. How did my life get to this. When did i start losing myself. When did i stop feeling happy with myself. When did i stop.

You tell me. I'm losing my mind here though many may not know or realise it. Where the hell am i. Who the hell am i. Where did i go...

I could go on for pages about this, but i don't think i will neither should i. I'll return to holding self disgust and hatred towards myself.