Somehow, right now, being without you won’t quite do.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

 

One of those moments and days when missing gets just a bit too much.

Weirdo me

It's a strange time to be me, and I mean that with a conviction lol. It's like one of those moments where I really realise what a weirdo I can be and just... strange and well... different xD ahahahaha Allow me to give some context into the situation as to why I think I'm weird, strange, and just more than a little bit "sad"

See, the thing is that... uhm... okay how do I start this xD hahahaha it's like this basically. Being a geek of a person that I am, this year is a big year for technology in that sense, and in this case, mobile technology as the new generations of processors and what not are debuted this year, actually about 2 days ago at MWC '12 in Barcelona, the Mobile World Congress. Through keeping somewhat in touch with my life and what I have been doing as well, I suppose you would come to understand and realise that I have just gotten myself an Asus Transformer Prime (which I'm using to write this on). The tablet cum netbook runs on a Tegra 3 Quad Core processor. I was initially quite excited for this processor, but then as I got to know it better and better, I only got more and more disappointed at nVidia (the company that makes these chips).

See, the general idea for processors, or at least the companies that make them, is that as time goes by, the fabrication process gets better and smaller, use less power, but at the same time become more powerful. I found out that to overtake their competition all nVidia did was to slap on more cores into this device, hence 4 cores versus the 2 cores out there now on their competitors. Core for core though, saying that they're weak would be quite an understatement... Let me give you a more visual example. There are two Processors, one called Exynos, the other Tegra. They run on 2 cores and 4 cores respectively. For one single core of each, Exynos scores a CPU score of 60 while Tegra Scores a CPU point of 40... In a dual core setup, that means that Exynos has 120, and well, through that 4 core setup the Tegra has 160. If you understand that terminology, then it's easier enough to say that while Tegra overall is faster than Exynos, core for core, Exynos is a lot faster than Tegra, and that Exynos is a much more advanced and refined technology, all Tegra did was put more in to win the competition... which translates to higher battery consumption in the easiest form.

It's a weird thing to be disappointed by, but bear with me on this for being weird then. I like technology not because of the cool gadgets and things like that, but I love to see the advancement of technology as it goes by. Things get faster, smaller, more efficient, use less power, crunch bigger numbers, replace their larger counterparts... you know things like this just is so AMAZING to put it another way. It's amazing to see progress and evolution, in terms of technology, but when I see things like these which are like cheap tricks to get ahead it's sad. It's like a faux win, like how you can say that I have a better car because my car has two engines, but in reality engine for engine, it's crapper than lets say a car with a single engine that is a highly refined one...

I guess another thing that made the pot just a little bit more sour than it should have been was the fact that I just got this machine as well and I just found out about this. By all means, I love my transforming tablet, but I feel that it could have been a lot better, with this untapped potential just sitting there not doing anything... Oh well >< The other factor was that one of the more prominent mobile processing companies, Qualcomm, just released their newest chip as well, that runs on a 28nm fabrication process (as opposed to 32nm; Think of it this way, the smaller the fabrication process, the more you can fit into a die, the less power drain there is). Core for core, this processor smokes the competition with up to 400% speed core for core. Slap these in tandem, and you get yourself one hell of a chip, that even DETHRONED this 4 core chip easily. See, this is what I'm talking about, technology that is just not about putting more of the same thing, but improving on what you had before and making it faster, better and more efficient...

If you've gotten this far, you'll understand that I'm this MASSIVE geek. I know, I know, I know it too, and It feels sad to many extents. Sometimes I wonder how I can even attract girls, sometimes I wonder how she could have even loved me xD hahahahaha But let's be fair about it. While I love technology, I love her more, and it shows when I'm around her anyway. Technology... is just my 2nd girlfriend XD One that I have a love hate relationship with and one that is full of disappointment and surprises at the same time hahahaha :P

Oh well, it doesn't matter. I need to get a new phone anyway (the one's I'm using is a temp phone, where the value is not in keeping it, but in selling it, and that's why I have it.) I plan to get the new Generation of Phones once it's out in April, which is like the successor to the tablet that I'm using now, in that... Well, think of it this way. Your phone goes into the tablet, and now you have your phone with a larger tablet screen, and that in turn goes into a keyboard dock, that makes it into a mobile netbook if you will, and all while doing that, your battery goes up 500% when hooked to the tablet, and 900% when hooked into the Keyboard as well. Tell me that isn't impressive :D That and it uses the new aforementioned processor as well, the one by Qualcomm <3 Oh man it's gonna be a good year for tech... and hopefully other things too XD

But okay, fine, enough of my rantness on technology, there's really more to me than just that, including work... and well love life and general stuff like that xD I realise that I have so much stuff to do that I can't even cover it in a day. I realise that as I move along, more things crop up to me and become apparent that they're things that I want to do. The problem is that I don't seem to have enough time to do all of them in a day :x It's the issue at hand, that I bite a lot, and leave a lot unfinished, though I want to finish them at one point in my life. I get excited about so much then leave so many unfinished. It is however my goal these year instead of starting more of these projects, to work towards finishing them up, hitting my goals and targets, and putting them at rest once and for all. Stuff like selling and things like that, are the ones where I actually start making a financial loss the more I wait, and I think I have waited long enough for them. I'm gonna see whether I can kick start it off all again, and get the ball rolling, I need to. Before I can open new books, I'd like to close the chapters in some with a good note, not abandoned because I don't have enough time or some crap like that.

On the love life front, I read my posting yesterday, and well... as somewhat expected as well, it's somewhat nonsensical, though the general idea was there hahaha... That's what happens when you post things late at night when you're sleepy and can't think well. I am more calm and... composed now, with my priorities being what I have to do here and now taking precedence before my relationship with her... Still important to me, but I can't have her if I can't even sort myself out. Just doesn't work that way anyway. I still enjoy looking at the photo that I made for us last birthday though, the collage picture of me and her and all the pictures that make me happy, and still very much do. Her birthday is coming this year as well, in May, and I'm thinking of additional things that I can do for her, and I think I may have answers to those. We'll see about it hahahaha :) I'd like to do something interesting for her for her birthday, and after all, for me I would do things for her without any expectation for us to get back together or anything like that... I think that's the way it's meant to be anyway. It's still too early, and it's still not the time. I understand that, and I know she does too.

Running onto the topics covered yesterday, I do hope that she would somewhat to an extent wait for us to be together, though it's not something I can expect of course. I want it but... Well, I don't know what are the chances of me getting it, and good or bad, I wouldn't like to speculate on it. It's better for me to believe that I'm on the shorter hand of things and work hard to my goal, rather than to feel like I'm leading or winning the race, and relax, slack and get complacent, then suddenly get overtaken and caught off guard by something or someone else... It does bother me a little though on the matter that I don't really go all out to contact her anymore. I start to wonder if I should, and I start to wonder if it's the right thing to do to keep the contact between us up. I think it is actually. I think that I can't always wait for her to initiate that contact, I gotta throw in some myself too, after all, I did tell myself that I'd at least contact her a few times in a month just to talk and see how things are going. While it's not that I dislike talking to her and what not, I generally still don't know what else to say, without crossing the border at times, hence it's easier to chat her up about stuff like work or the mundane things or just how she's going I suppose... After all, because of the distance as well, I don't know much about what's going on in her life anymore, and I can't exactly use that as a topic of conversation... I'm shorthanded but meh. It's okay, no one ever said it would be easy, no one ever said that a worthwhile love ever came to those who didn't work for it.

Anyway, I am gonna continue and do the stuff that I have to do now, clear the stack and just get them done and over with, hopefully I get to clear a fair bit within these few days, I'm counting on it. I need to get myself more organized and in order, more resolute and more powerful, more in control and doing more of the control. My future, and my future with her as well depends on it.

Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D Kissseeesss LOVVESSS andddddd HHUUUUUGGGSSSS Babyyy :D GOOODDD MOORRRRNNIIINNGGGG :3 Have a good day okay? :D Maybe I'll message you soon when I allow myself too when I've done a bit of work... as a reward hahaha :) I love you so muchly :D Kissess and hugs and mwah mwah mwah and loves XD *kiss cheeks* love you so much :)

Ever positive, ever moving forward progressively. The Hamster runs the wheel to move forward, not backwards.

Compromises of who you are.

In this particular point in time, you will find me on my bed, with my tablet on my lap (with it's keyboard attached so it's like a laptop) writing up this blog post. It's become quite a nice new addition to my family of devices so far, one that I can really appreciate and work with hahaha. I thought that I have class the next day, but I don't, it's for Thursday and today is still Wednesday, so I've misled myself into thinking otherwise >.> yay.

I'm... actually doing a lot of thinking about Tze Ni at the moment, though more of like an us factor, and though it may be the same questions as before, I seem to be taking them in this time around with a more serious tone as I try to I suppose predict life and it's outcomes before it happens... not an easy task, nor do I know whether it's something feasible at all, who knows really, but it doesn't hurt to try.

In particular, I think to myself and I start asking myself whether she thinks of us at all anymore... It's something that keeps bothering me I suppose, I don't know whether you can call it insecurity or not though. It's the matter on how I do remember each time around that she said that she still believes in that future between the two of us, yet I suppose to another point, does she understand as well what it entails to believe in that future between the two of us? I mean, while it may be completely obvious as well, it certainly does mean that to believe in that future between two of us, means we'd have to at least somewhat keep in touch to still keep it a viable option correct? or at least keep each other in mind somewhere such that... well, to some point we're reminded of it each time.

I can't particularly tell if I'm making too much sense at this point of time, but the idea is pretty much like this. It's one thing to say you still believe in something, it's another to sort of make sure that it's somewhat still there all the time... if that makes sense at all. I guess I'm concerned just a little, and yes, maybe it has to do with a little bit of insecurities as well, maybe. I'll admit though that it's not taking much of my time or... emotions at this point in time, as it's just something that crosses my mind every now and then. I still believe in her making her own decisions, and I still believe that I'm a great guy... and that... well, us not giving ourselves that extra chance and shot in the future is not just a loss per se for me, but also for her. I still believe that we can form something only other couples can dream of, but maybe that's just me, living a dream.

In a lot of ways, I'm a very positive person no matter what happens. I wasn't always like this, but life has changed me a lot over the years through experience, through issues and problems, and through the introduction of many wonderful people in my life. Because of this, I estimate that I'll have really no problems remaining positive in the idea of me and her, even through these remaining 2 1/2 years, which if you think about it will be even shorter in 2 months time. It would have become 2 1/3 years hahaha (positivity in action.) After that, it's just 2 years, and voila, down to 1 year ++ and counting down. You can really see my positivity at work here can you.

But what indeed does his entail for me? Do I intend to wait for her through this entire time, remaining single through the way so as to not jeopardise anything? I'm actually close to saying yes, though I have to say that tit's also... conditional. Conditional to the idea I suppose that she doesn't really date anyone else in the meantime, and that I suppose I don't meet someone else who manages to try hard enough and succeeds in dethroning Tze Ni from my heart. What happens then though? If lets say any of the aforementioned happens. It's pretty simple to be honest. I think that the idea of us would be still on the table, but all bets are off then on whether it'll ever happen... It's all fair game then, and I think it's better for things to be this way.

I know I have said this a multitude of times before, but the idea has to be as such to be honest. She has to understand that whilst I love her really like nothing else in this world, and that I feel that it's never quite going to fade out just like that, that I will only do so for as long as I am somewhat... respected as well I suppose would be the word. See, I'm not really asking for a whole lot of communication, for her to give me hints that she still has feelings for me, or anything like that, but... I suppose for her to understand that I will love her regardless, it's just that if she ever found some other guy, thinking I'll always be there, no matter how much I love her, I would have to have to force myself to say no and to make myself behave no.

In many ways I suppose it does sound like a threat, but I'd rather think of it as self preservation. After all, lets say given a circumstance where a girl loves a guy, and the guy loves the girl, but then the girl goes around and explores and plays around thinking that the guy will always be there, and the guy still loves her no matter what she does... I really don't know what to say. It may be that he's either foolish or... I don't know something else. Maybe he really would love her that much, so much that nothing she could ever do would take that away from him, but it feels like he'd be blindsided by love.

Okay, the reason as to why I'm unsure about that statement above is as well because... When I was back in Penang, my sister attended the wedding of her friends. See, her friend got married to this guy who loved her for the longest time. He's a nice guy and well... may be too nice I suppose. Back in highschool, he still loved her, but she didn't have any feelings for him. She would go around dating other guys, and essentially screwing around, and by screwing around I mean sex as well, and just... being that bad girl persona, and all while keeping in contact with him as well. Poor guy had to go through so much to be honest, to learn and know that someone else was having their way with the girl you love and things like that, but I suppose if you look at it in the long run, here they are now, happily married to each other. I mean I don't in any way find that a perfect relationship, and I think it's something I'd like to avoid to be honest... If possible. Whilst they did get married in the end, it did feel as if the guy didn't have enough backbone for himself and... I guess I'm not that kind of guy. It's like bending over backwards to get the girl regardless, sacrificing all that you are in the process, and I don't know if I can do that if lets say she didn't participate in it as well... hmmm... ><

Anyway, it's a silly thing to be thinking about right now. I'm really tired and sleepy and would like to get some rest. You get the point as to why I brought up the topic anyway, so I suppose I can leave with just that....

Tze Ni baby, I love you so much :) I ended up listening to that Jason Mraz song so many times today, and find myself singing so passionately alongside it each time... because it reminds me so much of us, and well yeah, it makes me feel good and happy on the inside :) Eat well, and remember to exercise as well, and since it's 7:26pm there now, well... you would be heading off to bed after not too long I'd imagine. Good Night and Sweet dreams, I love you so much baby :) Loves, hugs and kisses, always and somewhat forever hahaha (allow me to do so and I will). MWAH MWAH MWAH :) You make me a happy man, no matter where you are, and no matter how far I am from you. Love you so much.

Hamster off and out

NOT ENOUGH INK?!

Bleh, I tried to print out photos of us, but that was cut short terribly when I found out that my colour cartridge was out of ink, and I didn't have enough spare ink for yellow to top it up >.> Also, my printer seems to give me some weird smudging problems...

Oh well, I'll have to finish that up some other time.... Getting my brother to send me some cheap ink from Malaysia, and hopefully that goes well haha >< blaaaahhhh and BAWWWWWWW

Would have loved to post these photos up soon on my physical wall, but whatever >< Patience rewards those who wait :)

Back to work and cleaning up. Love you baby :D

Date a Girl who Travels

Date a Girl who Travels | Solitary Wanderer

Admittedly while I found this while looking at her status updates, I did like the previous piece before that was the “Date a Girl who Reads”. This is one that is inspired off it, and to me, I think this rings more true than the previous.

I particularly love the ending:

 

“Is a girl who travels worth it? Yes, she is. So when you find her, keep her. Don’t lose her with your insecurities and doubts. Because when she says she loves you, she really does. After all, she’s seen so many things, met so many people, and if she had chosen you, better grab that opportunity and thank the gods that you were lucky enough she’s chosen you and not that bloke she met while watching the sun rise in Angkor Wat, or while whitewater rafting in the Padas Gorge in Sabah.

If she says she loves you, she must have seen something in you, something that can always call her back from her travels, something that can anchor her to the world in the way that she wants to after weeks and months of being on the road.

Date a girl who travels. Make her feel safe, warm, and secure. Make her believe that no matter where she goes, and however long she’s gone, you’ll always be there for her, the one that she can call home.

Find a girl who travels. Date her, love her, and marry her, and your world will never be the same again.”

 

Date A Girl That Travels. For me, I am in love with a girl that loves to travel hahaha. From there, time can only tell if she feels that I’m the chosen one for her :)

 

“Date a girl who travels. Make her feel safe, warm, and secure. Make her believe that no matter where she goes, and however long she’s gone, you’ll always be there for her, the one that she can call home.”

:) Let’s see, baby, However long you’re gone, I’m always here for you, and I’m not just saying it for the sake of saying it as well, It’s already something that I have been doing anyway :D

I’m probably going to find myself re-reading this one a few times, it makes me happy just reading it haha :D

 

Anyway, off again. I love you Tze Ni :)

Blogger Mobile + Work

Good Afternoon Blog :D This is my first attempt at posting from this Blogger software on my tablet, so I'm not sure how things will turn out or whether I will choose to make it my primary blogging medium. At the moment, I'm using it because it seems capable of attaching photos onto the posts as well, which can prove itself to be quite interesting in many ways :)

Anyway, this posting isn't much. Not heading in to Uni today, but going to spend some time unpacking, tidying up, cleaning up, and hopefully managing to list more than a few things onto eBay for me to sell, and make that extra buck. There are a lot of people who seem interested in this phone I am bringing into Australia to sell, mainly because of the price point. My dad did say if the demand was good enough, to ship more units over. This should prove itself interesting if I get more demand for it, I would request for maybe my older cousin in Malaysia to help me with that :D

Anyway, I have to go now, gotta make a move :3 I want to get cracking and what not. I love you baby :D Mwah! Loves hugs and kisses. Still sleeping probably, in that case... *kiss forehead* sleep well baby... *play with hair* hahaha :) I love you.

Hamster off and out :)

Opinions and thoughts, and first Prime Posting :D

A bit of mobile blogging, I'm writing this up on my transformer prime while waiting for the tram back to my place to arrive. It's raining now, and well, I spent more than a few hours in Uni talking and planning out my work for this year, which I'm actually quite excited for. Things are coming along fast and smoothly, and well, I hope that things go well for me this time around I suppose hahah :D By that, I mean the sales and the income and things like that. A man needs to survive after all.

I keep hearing another awesome story, on how this person pitched his project out, and asked for people to help fund his game via Kickstarters, and whilst he aimed for only 400,000, he managed to make 1.2 Million USD in 24 hours. That's just insane to be honest... and well, if I can even get half that money in half a year, I would be happy hahaha :D But we'll see, I'm a good game developer after all, I won't stop people from paying me more if they want to xD ahahaha

The transformer prime so far is more than what I need, and I'm extremely happy with it, having run it for about 8 hours 41 minutes now, and I still have 82% battery left in the tablet, plus 96% left in the keyboard... what I'm left with is virtually days and days of being able to use this for my work without having to recharge it anytime soon, and I have a keyboard. How awesome is that? :D The money is proving itself to be very worthwhile, though if I have any complaints so far, the wifi signal is pretty crap, but well... nothing much I can do about that now, apparently it has something to do with the antenna on the inside of this series which is just a bit more than flawed and bugged... still, it's light enough to fit into my backpack, and small enough to carry around easily. It's really light too, so that's always nice.

I read an article today, from one of my tech sites, that was quite interesting, though stupid at the same time, and it's for this very reason that I disapprove of it's premise that I choose to write it out in here to somewhat... hmm... banter on about it if you will. See, the article was about why you should not get back with your ex, and yes, it's quite a stupid topic for a tech site to post up, and though it says that it's backed by science and what not, it wasn't even conclusive evidence or anything, it just felt and looked like something one of the editors wrote up in the spite of the moment, just because he himself was having troubles with his lady friends.

Anyway, the article itself went along the lines of how you don't progress if you get back with your ex, that the same problems that caused you to break up would crop up again etc etc. Even if I were to work on that premise, things wouldn't be the same. For starters, we didn't break up because we had arguements or had disagreements. We didn't break up because we hated each other, because we didn't love each other anymore, we broke up because of the distance and because we felt it would have been easier for each other if it was like so... and besides, as far as I know, both of us still want that future with each other, so by all means, we didn't want to write down the end anywhere on any of our pages.

I guess the part that makes me riled up about it is how some of my friends who advice me on my relationships do so not because they're looking out for me, but because they've been hurt themselves before, or have an agenda of their own that I know of, and give biased advice in that sense... The only difference I suppose is that I take it in, parse it, then filter it and see the  reason and angle that they're coming in from. It may sound like I'm closing myself to what others may want to say, but I say that I'm taking everything people say with a pinch of salt, especially if I don't agree with it... and especially if they don't have any valuable information as to why it is true. It's exactly the same for this article so I say yeah, why bother.

To me,  feel that while it's important to listen to what others have to say, it's important to be opinionated as well, taking in whatever other have to say and analysing it, not just taking it as the truth. It's important then using the information gathered to form your own decisions and you know... ideas as to what you want to do or your stand on something. On this topic, my opinions are quite clear and simple, and that is that reading a silly article like this, while enough to provoke me into writing up a banter here, is not conclusive or credible enough, neither is it relevant in changing my opinion on the situation between me and Tze Ni. For all intents and purposes, I still love her with all my heart, and I still intend to go after her. I may be a hopeless romantic that believes in these kind of loves, but who is anyone to say I'm wrong about this anyway. Just because someone else could not reach their happiness, it doesn't ever mean that it'll never happen and that it's a thing of fiction. Wrong place, wrong time and possibly wrong combination for them.

Well, on that note as well, I guess I don't doubt that there will be maybe quite a few of her friends that will ask her to move on from me or something along the lines of that. Even my friends do so, at least a select few, even those close to me like Eri, so it wouldn't be surprising per se. I suppose the only part that I'm just a bit concerned of is how I felt that even before she was... well, I suppose easily swayed at some point by the words of others... I mean, things may have changed and may be different now, but yeah, from the last I recall, that's how things were. Again, I don't want to be mistakened on this, it's not as if I don't want her to ever listen to anyone tell her to leave me, but rather, if she were ever to come to that decision or conclusion herself, to move on from me, I'd like for her to come to it herself, not because other people told her so and therefore she think she should sort of thing. For all we know and I know, this is sounding very... skeptical of everyone, but they may have agendas of his/ her own... Maybe coz they're jealous of what they can't have themselves maybe, or that they may be guys and they want her to move on from me before they make a move on her... in this world that's more than possible and plausible, and seeing as how she seems to somewhat always believe in platonic friendships (I'm sure she still feels the same even if just a little now) that most of her guy friends have platonic intentions.

So you can say that I'm just being suspicious of everyone and just being stupid, and I ask you, well, why wouldn't I? In the position that I'm in now, realistically speaking, from my findings, let me tell you this. I have no real allies, or rather, they don't come by so easily... that and for those people who give me advice on my relationship, way to go for paraphrasing from a default book on how to deal with someone else who had a breakup and to quote from lines straight from there. I appreciate it more when people take my answers and situations more correctly and process it, and give while not always be good, relevant and carefully thought out advice.

I suppose I touch on this topic a lot, because at one point I felt that Eri was quite a close friend to me, and at one point he started to tell me that she didn't appreciate me, that I should find other girls and things like that, and that I should just move on and things like that. I admit to listening too much to his advice at times, and regretting just a little for doing so because he was someone who has had bad experiences with girls in the past, and as far as I'm concerned, in his eyes it seems that all girls are the same to him, Tze Ni the same. I can't really blame him all that much because I suppose to an extent, he would be trying to look out for me as a friend, trying to not let the same thing that happened to him happen to me, but I can tell you as much that the situation is not the same, and the whole entire circumstance is different. Tze Ni is not like that, and Tze Ni is not like other girls. I know her at least that much that she wouldn't do anything like that to me, but silly me at the time was taken by complacency and pride, and I admit that I have done very hurtful things to her in the process, just because I got swayed by what others had said, and in retrospect, I regret what I had done. Yes, me who has no real regrets in the world, regrets doing so, mostly because I did it to her, and she didn't deserve a lot of it... I admit it wasn't much, but it was still bad enough, especially at a time when she needed my support the most then, the time when she was just settling in to London for the first time. I admit that I have been foolish, but never again.

I think I'd want to end the blog post here, I ended up finishing it while back at home, because again, there's only so much I can type up while on the move on a short journey anyway hahaha I have to take a shower and I have a lot of things to do so I don't want to spend too much time on here. I haven't even unpacked because today as soon as I got up, I went to the University to discuss and plan work, and have a redesign and team expansion and talk about monetary income, all the way until about 9pm at night... >< I'm really dedicated about my work what can I say, but at least it's a whole lot of fun hahaha :)

Mwah mwah mwah *kiss top of hands* I love you so much baby :) I know it's stupid because half the time I write on here I sound like I'm lecturing somebody, but yeah, I suppose if you do somehow manage to find yourself reading it, I'm fine really with whatever decisions you make, I just ask you to rethink it over each time and consider it carefully, making sure that whatever decisions you make are that of your own, and what you know you want or is the best for you, and makes you happy, not what others want or feel so would be good for you. It's good to consider what they're saying and take it in, but never take it in raw. Filter, process, and analyse all that is said and done, and soon you will see behind people's words, thoughts and actions, seeing if what they're saying is valid or not or just pressing their desires on yourself... Yeah... >< ANYWAY, off serious mode, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY, KISS KISS KISS HUG HUG HUG AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH! :D Behave yourself and well, enjoy your dinner later as well :) I don't know if I'll be posting much later, but in case I don't, have a good dinner and good night and sweet dreams alright baby? Love you so much :)

Oh, and I'm not giving up on us, even if the skies seem rough; I'm giving you all my love, God knows we're worth it :D

Hamster off and out

Slightly insulting perhaps?

Finally back in Melbourne, and typing this out now from my desktop where I feel… okay to be honest, I’m not as happy as I thought I would be, but I’ll be fine. Give me time to settle down and things like that and things will be okay for me. I don’t know what else to say, because it’s stupid again if I keep saying it but once again I do miss her just that much more being here. Reminds me of a lot of things that have happened that I don’t particularly like as well…

That Jason Mraz song just now affected my mood just a little, but in a good way, or at least I feel so to say the least. I feel more resolute and more loving of her, that I would be somewhat strong through it all, but in a lot of ways, that I shouldn’t be worried at all about what she does in terms of like maybe liking other guys and things like that. Not saying that she won’t ever leave me or things like that etc etc, but as the song says as well, giving her space to navigate herself, to find herself and for her to determine and understand herself. If she feels that it’s found in another guy then… Well, I would be a little bit more accepting of it. Just a little bit more, but that is of course after I have had my way in trying to get her back on my side. If she in the end flew to another man, no matter what I did, then it’s okay. I can accept life to be like that, I can accept that at times things like these happen. Who knows.

I feel like printing out some of the photos that we have of each other and pasting them around. In particular, I seem to want to print out those photos of us that I really like, in particular the photo of us kissing in Genting, the one where she was wearing the Dorothy Perkins dress I got her the first time… I mean to name a few, then these ones come to mind. I didn’t kid much when I said before that these are the things that make me happy, hence I’d like to actually have a physical copy of them with me. I suppose you can say that whilst loving her, I am also trying to come in terms with the duality of the situation.

Anyway, I actually went to the university today to meet up with Chad as soon as I washed up a little. I slept little in the plane, and frankly I’m actually quite tired right now, but there’s just seemingly so much to do before I can sleep and rest. I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible, and today was exactly that. I got into the university, met with Chad, then started to work with him once again on developing the games we are working on, as well as coming up with new interesting concepts for people to play with and enjoy. I have to say that I really enjoy the game development side of things, this freedom that allows me to express my own creativity. I’d have to say however as well that well… it’s also because I don’t really think about her that much during that time span, and it’s nice and refreshing… keeping myself occupied that is.

I guess if you wanted to take a stab at my feelings now, they’re what I would describe as stable, but just a little bit sombre and defeatist. Just a little bit. The small reality of things biting into me, though I don’t think it’s too big of a deal as it is now. There’s still a long way to go for the both of us, with anything being able to happen during then. The question then would be of course what would happen or whether anything would at all. I’m no expert fortune teller, though somehow I have this gut feeling inside me that nothing will happen, and that she would genuinely want to focus on her work during at least these few years, and that in that sense I won’t have much to worry about.

It perhaps won’t be so much of the fact that she still loves me or has feelings for me, as much as it will be of her being busy with her life and activities, and genuinely wanting to focus on her work and her studies. Call it my intuition on things, but I feel that I will be correct with this… What it of course means to me is that I don’t have to worry and think about it too much as well, I mean after all, what we went through together isn’t that shallow or meaningless to her in such a way that she can suddenly find a new guy to replace me. Please. Hsin Yang, have some faith in yourself at what you two have at least.

When my insecurities pop up, I realise how insulting they can sound to be honest, especially since she took the relationship between us quite seriously then. Having heard from me that I was worried she would just leave me and things like that must’ve hurt her to quite a huge extent as well, and I suppose that I should apologize for that. The stupid sometimes doesn’t know when to stop, and he says all sorts of things in self preservation.

Anyway, I have to go now… Mostly because I’m so bloody tired, and I want to have a shower before I head off to bed. I’m feeling very dirty and sticky now, even though I bathed in the afternoon, blame summer. Never the less, I have plenty of things to do tomorrow, which includes heading back out to the city to do work and to discuss and reform new plans. There’s plenty left to do and there’s no one else there who can do it except me.

Good Night Tze Ni… Sweet dreams and I love you. I’m not giving up on you, not this easily. I’m not someone who falls in love, then just disappears when things go wrong. Nop, I still believe very much in that future between me and you, and you know what? God knows we’re worth it, I know we’re worth the effort, hence why I work towards it everyday :) Mwah mwah mwah… kisses kisses hugs and loves okay? I love you baby :) Dream about me hahaha xD

 

 

Hamster off and out *starting to get woozy*

I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up

When I look into your eyes
It’s watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold

And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be where right where you are
How old is your soul

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

No, I won’t give up.

I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our difference they do a lot to teach us how to
Use the tools and gifts we got
yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end you’re still my friend
At least we did intend for us to work,
We didn’t break, we didn’t burn

We had to learn how to bend
Without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got
And what I’m not and who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking up

Well, I won’t give up on us
God knows I’m tough enough
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth

I won’t give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

 

Sometimes you just find that one song that sums up everything.

I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough; I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up…

I love you baby.

Insomnia perhaps.

I sit here with my mobile phone in front of me as I stare at the screen. I am unable to sleep. Excitement of being back in Melbourne is preventing me from doing so. The thoughts that are running in my head prevent me so. The songs that play on my mp3 player that remind me of Tze Ni, that send me into this upward spiral of glee, joy, happiness and determination prevent me so. The circumstances are as such. I am unable to sleep.

The funny part about going back to Australia is that it feels like progress, like time goes faster, like before I know it this will all be over in a flash. Like I don't need to even Count down as it hits two years more, no, it'll just come just like that, fast and speedy and without warning.

The scary part is of course the speed. The speed that suddenly makes you realise, woah, when did that happen, and has it really been that long already. Yes, while I'm determined to get her back and I have my own written conclusions as to what I would do if she found another guy, the thought still haunts me, just a little now in particular, though before it was a whole lot more severe. It's the idea that in order for me to achieve this success, I have to have this balance between keeping in contact with her, together with not being so immediately vacant for her as well. The tightrope that I walk isn't something I want to take lightly. No, anything can go wrong. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I have to be relaxed yet at the same time, alert about it.

Perhaps the thing though that I'm worried a bit more now is more of her trip to Ghana. I know it's been reduced to just those 4 extra days, but I still don't feel to safe with her being there... especially if alone. I am tempted to know if she has anything planned those few spare days and if there will be friends with her during then. It would at least put my mind into more ease than what I am now, and help to make things better. If I'm someone who worries too much, then she's someone who worries too little. Indeed, she's still a bit rash and naive in that point, I do wish that she'd break out of that spell though. I'd like to be there to always protect her, but the reality is that I can't, and I don't know if I want to as well. I'd rather her be cautious and careful rather than her relying on me for protection.

Perhaps its the insecurities cropping up again, perhaps it may be over-worrying for nothing. It doesn't however feel like my insecurities playing up on me though. I think I'm being perfectly reasonable and I don't think I'm over worrying things too extremely anyway. It's another part of the world for God's sake. We can't always assume that the world there works the same way as it does here. No, that would be a more than foolish assumption to make, and I feel that she may be crossing this border just a little. If I didn't at least caution her about it, or tried to tell her to do the right thing, I wouldn't be able to have my conscience sit right. If anything would to happen to herself, I wouldn't really know what to do, though I know one thing... I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for it, even if it wasn't my fault per se. In the end I would've felt as if there was something I could have done about it to avoid it.

I think the one reason I feel just a bit worried about her is because she's unassuming. What I mean by this is that she doesn't consider all possible scenarios of situations I feel, only looking at perhaps the outcome she wants and believing that to be the truth until somewhat proven otherwise. It's conviction, and it's good to be sure of something, but even if you want to do so, you have to make sure that there is really good backing behind it. There's no point in assuming it'll always work out, even in a 50/50 chance situation what more one with more uneven odds. You have to be sure as to making your desired outcome to come true I suppose is what I'm saying. It's like the whole thing on how she felt these guys were good Platonic friends, and they ended up confessing to her. Same deal, if you really wanted to make it Platonic from the start, you would have to nail everything from the roots to make sure that it would close to or never happen. It's like me dealing with girls that I want to keep Platonic. How do I go about doing that? Simple. I tell them that I still really love this girl even though we're not together anymore, because I know the circumstances, and I know and understand the reasons as to why we had to go our own ways. Most girls upon hearing this give up on searching for something romantic from me, though they do keep me as really good and close friends, ergo my objective would have been completed well. The ones tfat decide otherwise are those that obviously want me more than the rest, and are worth then seeing what they'll do, but during this leeway period of 2 1/2 years, if nothing happens, or if they don't hit my criteria, I don't budge or move. It's really that simple, and in the end I still will go after Tze Ni. I gotta be fair, but people need to understand that sometimes you just gotta fight for what you want. Nothing good ever came easy.

I think now with 3 hours to go before land, I may try once again to get some sleep on this plane. Perhaps I will have better luck this time around. You'll never know if you never try. 6:12am Australian time, 3:12am Malaysia.

Without the need to keep repeating myself incessantly, good night Tze Ni :) I love you so much. Mwah. Kiss hugs and loves.

Hamster off.

Desire begets progress.

In the airport now, waiting for the gates to open before I can board my flight there. I can't wait to get back to Melbourne to be honest, there is so much more waiting for me there now, so much more to do and just so much to accomplish with my life. After all, this would be my first time trying to break into the games industry to actually try and make a living and an income out of it, it's a scary yet exciting thing to be honest, to know that you can make a living because people enjoy the work that you do.

Being back to the airport is an interesting place to be in. Just as I was heading up the escalators to where the immigration department was, I stared to recall how things were right at this spot, no more than maybe half a year ago. The memories of her just standing there, looking at me and smiling yet with tears in her eyes are ones that I do remember quite clearly, with her trying to hold it back so much but we both knew that she was terrible at it. She would wipe her eyes with her fingers, trying hard perhaps to fight the fact that she would miss me so dearly. Despite being a sad thing somewhat, this time around, I plan to use it as additional motivation for me to be strong about this whole thing, and work progressively about it, but probably most importantly, not to give up hope, and not to think too much about it at the same time. I've done a lot within my own bounds without breaking that space she wanted between us I feel, though now as things are, she seems to not need that as much anymore. Maybe the required space between us has gotten smaller, maybe even. This is a good thing, and perhaps if its true I should take more action towards it, slowly but surely increasing more and more the amount of contact we have together. I think it's a good idea by all means, and I believe that things between us will be fine, and more importantly to me, work out well.

I actually met Dave today, as he called me and when he heard I was going to head off back to Melbourne, he wanted to have early dinner with me and well, catch up and chat just a little before I left. He's really a nice guy,and fun to chat too haha, and though I didn't say much about me and Tze Ni, he told me not to give up hope, as things would eventually work themselves up if they do. It's funny again, how her relatives all support us... nice and interesting.. and just a bit funny, but I think I'm quite used to it by now haha :)

Anyway, I want to get some shut eye and rest, hopefully this plane ride will past a lot faster if I do. I'm already in the air anyway, and I'm not too good with reading or writing in moving vehicles, air ones included. By the time this blog post is up in my blog, it would have been when I landed, but for now, the time is 11:08pm Malaysia time, 2:08am Melbourne time.

Out of sight, but never out of mind, and most of all, never out of heart. I love you so much baby. I can't force you to do this, but wait for me. I'm going to make this all work and I'm going to make it all better, I swear, I promise. 2 1/2 year hurdles aren't much, and its already 2 months into 2012. Things will go well, I know so, I trust so. Kisses loves and hugs baby, I love you so very very much. Good night. I love you.

Hamster off and out.

A little place for two.

On the road at the moment, yes, yet another road blogging session. I'm actually coming back from Denny's house in Valencia, and off to pick up my brother all the way near digital mall... and this is kind of like the unavoidable stretch of things... okay fine, avoidable, but I was being cheap and wanted to save on fuel... not such a wise move in retrospect.

I pretty much spent the whole day today in Denny's house, and we talked about a lot of things, though in particular we talked a lot about relationships and well, the things about them, basically everything under the sun about them. He was interested in my insight on the matter, and perhaps just a little on his matters, as was I curious to talk to him about mine. What followed was truly an engaging conversation, on conventions, behavioral personalities, things that people do, the things that irritate us, common answers and questions, the types of people in these relationships... basically the kind of things two analysts would be talking about, as we're both really logical and calculative people.

Skipping to the details that I find interesting, upon talking to him about Tze Ni and things like that, and not necessarily good stuff in particular as well, he told me that in the relationship, I'm someone who is very tolerant yet uncompromising. He did say that I'm someone whom matured really quickly, far too quick perhaps for my time, and was ahead somewhat in logical thinking... I think the part that interested me though was that after talking to him about Tze Ni, he was himself quite convinced that she herself was a good match for me, a great girl, and that I shouldn't give her up for anything... I couldn't agree more actually. I never intended to in the first place... the one thing that worried me was more of how we were going to do these 2 1/2 years ahead of us. I did tell him that on that sense as well, I wasn't sure of what to do for those few years, only a rough guess, and though he was convinced that the rough patches that we went through together would be the things that would keep us together, I can't say that I was utterly convinced by that idea either. Not saying that I didn't believe in us, but I believed in more than relying on the past to make it work... it needed more than that, effort, and determination.

I'm actually back in the house now, you can imagine that traffic moves a bit too much to complete a posting anyway. Back on the balcony again, and just thinking of Tze Ni, only her nothing else. The topics of conversation that I talked with with Denny come very much into mind at this point, though in particular how he was almost sure that we would work it out in the end... perhaps after seeing and talking to me and noticing how much I want this as well. Parents did do additional interrogation about me and her though, and for the most part they told me to keep my options open. I told them the very same thing I write on this blog every single time. I meet girls all the time, I don't exactly bar myself from getting close to girls, and though I know where my heart lies, I still give these girls a chance to challenge me with something interesting, and none of them can step up to my expectations and wants and needs from a partner, so that pretty much answers a lot of it. I don't really go out explicitly to change that though, I'm more than comfortable where I am now loving Tze Ni and only her. I suppose the one thing is that they feel like I'm this close minded person that once he's set his mind on something nothing else will do. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who cares really, the matter of fact that no other girl I know sets me aflame like Tze Ni, so why bother? Why invest on half hearted feelings and give them a winning impression? I'm not like that and I suppose that's not something they understand, and fine, maybe I do admit to walling myself off from other girls hitting on me but that's coz I love Tze Ni, and to be fair, at the moment I'm looking only for friendships, nothing more. No relationships for me.

Sigh, I hate talking about this topic, about how they seem to think I limit myself and what not. To be honest, what I do is my own damned business, and what I hear all the time in movies, to me is true. If there's ever that slight chance that she may be the one, don't give up on her, go after her, or you'll regret it for most of your life. I believe that we have something special, and yes, I believe that there is this chance that she may be the one for me. Why give this up for anything else then until I know she isn't? If I'm always admiring at how the grass is always greener on the other side, then I'll really never find true happiness and love, and I can't accept that. Perhaps I'm not in much position to say this, but to me my parent's relationship sometimes feels like business is business. The idea that you found this man who has a good prospective job and career, looks like he'll make a good father, then marry him. Love is an afterthought, and I even heard my mom say that before, that after a while love dies out. I find it sad to hear, and I refuse to be dragged down on that level, just because that is life and reality to her. No, while people do want to marry a guy that is successful and things like that, I believe that for the most part there has to be love involved. There just has to be. It's just sad to think you'll marry someone because of their worldly possessions and what they can give you rather than who they are and how much you love each other... sigh. To be completely honest though, my mom has always been very materialistic in that sense... ever since I was younger it was something that I noticed, and well... even her passwords have the word money in them. You can essentially sense how sad I feel when I see these sort of thing being a romantic... especially coming from my mom, therefore I refuse to accept her premise that every girl is looking for someone who can support and finance them, and that takes priority over love. No, I think they're more than equally important to each other, and I think its good enough if you love him and he strives to be successful. You don't need to be a millionaire or live in a nice house to be happy... even if you do, there is still no guarantee that you're happy...

I think to me that's why I really want to look for that love that will last. I want a love that's so strong that it'll prove her wrong, I want to fall in love and marry that person I love, knowing that she's not gonna do it with me for the money or anything too materialistic. In that sense then, I'm the middle child and rebellion is perhaps part of the gig... and perhaps its a good thing in this case... I want to prove to my mom that love is really in the end more important than anything in a family and just... understand that.

Let me ask you, is my logic flawed? Is it really warped then? Is it really so stupid to say that you want to marry the girl that you love? If lets say even for example she's poor and doesn't have much? What about marrying a guy just because he seems capable of making you guys rich in the future? What difference would it really all make then from just being one of those people who marry rich guys for their money? These people still they still love, then what are they really in love with? The person? What he has to offer? Lifestyle? It's depressing just a little when I think about it.

If I ever do get to marry Tze Ni though, I would base my marriage and my family only over love. I would instill it in my children, I'd make them understand the value of love over anything else. The marriage after all at that time would be wrapped around love and nothing much more. Why would I ever want to marry Tze Ni? Because I love her, nothing much else more to it. I love her.

In a lot of ways it was one of the reasons why I had to go to Australia in the first place, and its the reason why I don't want to live with my parents when I'm back to work. In my household, I will be the boss and the final say of the ruling, and at that time, I say that my house is driven only by one thing, and that would be love. It doesn't matter if its a small place, as long as I can call it my own that's good enough for me, and as long as I know that its a house that's based on love as a primary factor, that's enough to make me happy.

You know, I don't think I ever wrote this in before, but well... it's gonna sound silly, but... I always dreamed that when I came back to Malaysia to work, that me and Tze Ni would share a place. It wouldn't be official though, since her parents wouldn't allow her staying at my place permanently before marriage then, but she'd drop by ever so often, she would spend the night in my place, and we'd wake up beside each other and help each other get ready for work and just... that day ahead of us :) it would be a small apartment condo per se, but with both of us living there, it would be a nice, small and comfortable place, decorated by the both of us, just the way we like it. Coming home would always be s thrill, we won't always eat out, but instead cook for each other and just be happy with each other, supporting each other there and then... it's a silly dream I know, because in my current situation I don't even know if we'd even get back together for sure, let alone something as big as this... but a man can dream can't he? A man can dream about spending his days with the girl he loves, not having to worry about distance, lack of privacy... or you know...not having anyplace to go to at the end of the day where we can just be... us. A place where we can both live and just be the crazy us... I think that sums it up nicely.. it's really my dream at the moment, I wont lie. I get that warm streak and glow inside me every time I think about it. Things like waking up next to each other, getting up and ready for our day, kissing and maybe making out a little before we headed off to work... trust me when I say that THAT would be the life... the only thing better than that then would be to marry her and you know... the things that come after :p but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, at the moment this feels more... feasible haha.

Sigh, I love her so much. Not really a sigh of sadness, but more of like deep breathes with a happy realization... a fun reminder that I go through every day, every waking hour of it, reminding myself of just how much I love Tze Ni, and of just how crazy I am and can be. In a world where it takes a whole lot to drive me insane and disorganized, she is really my kryptonite. She's really all there is out there now who can really throw me into this state of mental blank and love her so much... and it scares me. It scares me just a little how much I love her. It scares me just a little how much I would do for her... it scares me as to what I wouldn't do for her... it scares me as to how much I love her. It really does. Its that feeling though that even though you may be scared and afraid, you know its okay, and you know that its just fine to let go of your inhibitions. God I love her so much...

This post has become much longer than I expected... and it perhaps is the first post that really details what my real immediate dreams for us are... so much emotion all spent on this one girl, let's hope it's all worth it haha :) after all, if she's working towards that same goal of seeking for a love that will last, then I would also be on the same and right track. More than anything else right now, I would really want a love that will last, but I don't just want it with anyone... I want a love that will last with you baby :) anyway, I'd like to end here and clean up and get some rest.. I got up at 8 in the morning today and my eyes are getting rebellious haha.

Tze Ni, baby, I love you so much I really really do... now that I think about it, I would really die of embarrassment if you ever found out about this particular blog post... it's... really embarrassing... and I'm scared of a little judgment I suppose... not sure what you would think of me if you saw that... then again I'm pretty sure I'm probably sure that I'm the only person on this blog of mine, even though she knows the address to it... I think... haaaaaaaaa I love you so mucb baby... I really do, I really really really do. I love you so much >< good night and sweet dreams okay? But before that remember to have your dinner. Baby I love you so much... and I still wish so badly for our future. Kisses loves and hugs, hamster loves you... so much... too much... crazy hamster >.> haha

Sweet dreams baby :) hamster off

Way of doing things

On the balcony once again and just a few thoughts and ideas running in my head at the moment, nothing too hardcore. My mind is still somewhat all over the place from just a few hours ago after all, when my brother and my parents had their small argument and fight... over, you guessed it, my brother failing his driving exam...

To most obvious extents, you can say that he deserved it and you wouldn't be wrong, but from the way I see it as well, both sides instigated things to blow out of proportion and be a bigger deal than it actually is... not surprising. Its my brother and my mother after all, two people who have all sorts of trouble controlling their temper when its most needed... >.> such is my family.

Speaking of family, I actually did meet her brother today at his house, to talk more of to his friends who are in the same business about how they do things and generally stuff like that... I was actually quite surprised by their characters... in that sense I'm saying that I don't think we'd ever share that same friend set, despite them being in the same industry... they're just too different from me in nature.

See, if you start to compare me and Shiong, you'd find that we are different people, but not worlds apart per se, still a good fair bit of similarities between us, and that means were still quite alright in terms of conversing... his friends however are like too different from me I suppose in terms of lifestyle and morals to bother too much... they work... on the... ugh... I don't know, you can say the seedy underbelly of game development, the kinds that promote fat people in basements pleasuring themselves with porn, and I don't even quite lie with that. They essentially work on what could be considered closed to porno games, but just on that border of it to be still considered social networking and communication... I can't agree with it, and I definitely wont bend into that genre of things, I don't care if they're millionaires already, its just not my style, full stop.

Back on the usual front, hmmm... I guess most of the time now has been spent thinking of why she does the things that she does, decrypting behaviour and stuff like that... and I suppose you can say that I have come to my own conclusion about it, but only time and well.. progress can tell if its true. Its not easy trying to tell what another is thinking to be honest, and if we throw in the fact that there's just so much variables to consider, then things are really just way too open ended to draw conclusions at the moment... there are higher chances to some things than others, like how I feel that she still has that, and will have that soft spot for me despite this distance, or how one way or another, she will consistently still be thinking of us and believe in that future with us in it... these are the minimal two things that I know for sure at least...

As for me, I am currently recalling how it was like on our first Valentine's spent as a couple, and how magical it really was... the part that perhaps shocked me the most though, is how much I remember of it, right down to the details... for example, I can remember well the landmarks entering lookout point, I can remember the entrance to the carpark and where we had to drive up, where I parked and how it looked like at the time, the series of events that happened after, going back and well.. the stadium haha xD or rather the stadium's carpark... I can recall it quite clearly and fondly... burned into the back of my head even... ha... but perhaps the most unforgettable for me then was how she looked that night, or at least in particular, how beautiful she really looked...

I don't intend to rip off movies, but what can I do if its true? If I didn't realise it before, it would have been then that I did, that she was this perfect combination of sexy, alluring and cute to me. She was wearing a long dress and a shawl around it... all white. Ahhh... how I really long to see it all over again. Oh well... in time Hsin Yang... in time. Patience and it'll all pay off, I believe it will... I know it will...

Anyway, I'm off for now... I have to get up real early tomorrow to send my mom for her car servicing and things like that, so I can't really sleep too late either.. I just hope that things wont explode into another cluster of shouts and spew of words tomorrow with my mom and bro in the car... just me and mom is usually bad enough ><

Good night baby, I love you so much... one day it'll all work out, one day things will be good again, and one day we'll find each other together again... I just know so, I believe so... if we just work for it it'll be so... mwah... kisses hugs and love :) plenty of loves... more than you'd need for a lifetime :) love you :D

Hamster off and out

Better half of me.

Broken promises die like road kill
They’re on the side of the street
Concrete, casualties of love

Chewed up and spit out
Raised high then dropped down and out
I don’t know what’s left of me

But I collect myself and crawl through the shadows
Reach out my hands to the sky and shout out
I’ll never make these same mistakes again

Cause someone out there holds the key to my heart
I’d do everything to tear it apart
By never allowing myself to let you in

When all I want, is for you to see
The side that I don’t show to anyone
In fear that they may turn and run

Alone and incomplete,
No more tears to cry
And no more blood to bleed

I’ll fall forever endlessly
When you should be the ground beneath my feet
The better half of me

When all I want, is for you to see
The side that I don’t show to anyone
In fear that they may turn and run

Alone and incomplete,
No more tears to cry
And no more blood to bleed

I’ll fall forever endlessly
When you should be the ground beneath my feet
The better half of me

 

I love these kinds of songs… Songs that help to express my heart a little bit more, each word at a time. In essence to me this song implies I suppose emotions that are given, yet somewhat rejected, a state of mind of horror, yet knowing that you’re stronger than that, crawling out of it and moving on, yet holding hope to the time when it’ll work again, hence “I’d fall forever endlessly, if you should be the ground beneath my feet, the better half of me.”

I’m an emotional person what can I say, though there’s no tears or sobbing or what not with these songs, just passionate singalongs hahaha :)

Anyway, I’ll post again later when I’m outside and not in the room… I’m starting to like posting away from the computer hehe… It’s nice :D

Love you baby :) Mwah… Kisses and hugs…

 

hamster off and out.

Lovehigh

On the balcony once again, and k have to say that a lot of things are running in my head at the moment, good, bad, logical... illogical... happiness, sadness. It doesn't matter what they are, I'm enjoying the ups and Downs of it

My life by all means isn't perfect. I had to go through a lot to be where I am today. A lot of hardship, endurance, holding out, suffering, taking crap, isolation, segregation... you name it, I have probably went through it. Even then I am happy that I went through these things. They have made me stronger, better, greater, smarter, wiser than many others in my same or similar age group. Its what defines me in the end, forms and shapes me, sculpts me into this man that I am today, and I am happy and grateful for it.

I initially was a bit sad and troubled when I first got to my spot here in this house today. A lot was running in my mind, asking myself questions of me and Tze Ni, things like that. The unpredictability factor made me sad I suppose, the fact that I can never quite tell what's going to happen and when. I was telling myself that perhaps I understand now why I want to go back to Australia soon as well. I won't lie, I can't wait to get back. See, the thing is that I love Tze Ni, and I love her a lot. So much. Too much at times, too much until when I'm stuck in a position like mine now where nothing much is going on before I head back, I think about her a lot, I miss her a lot, I start to realise I love her so much. The problem then comes when I start to think too much about the issues we have, and what they are, and how to solve them. Because of that, I get just a bit stressed out about it, how can I lie.

So where does Australia come in in all of this? Well, Australia in that sense is my emotional buffer, my control valve from this all. When I'm back there, I have so much other things to worry about and do that for the most part, I am distracted from thinking about her, except when maybe I'm home, travelling or before I sleep. Australia keeps me busy and preoccupied, and in a way is the best thing I can have at the moment. Its the idea of killing two birds with one stone, and I can do that well in Aussie. I focus more and do my work, and I continue to love her as strongly and as passionately as always, without being too fixated on the issues. How is that not a good thing. You're kidding yourself, of course it is :p haha. I love her too much until I need something to control myself from loving her this much, especially if I can't be with her at this moment. Steps towards a more healthier... mental state perhaps. :)

But since then, as in when I first go on the balcony today, I have calmed down and just thought so much more of other things and smiled a lot more too. Why? Precisely because of the same things that were bugging me a few moments ago. Her. As I have said and told myself, it is a double edged sword this love, as I find when I'm with her I'm unstoppable, and so strong, yet roadhumps along the way hurt me deeper than they should. I told this to a friend, and I believe it to be true as well. Love, is like your trump card, your strongest weapon, and at the same time, your Achilles heel, your weakest link and spot. The thing is that you can't have one without the other though, they come in the package. You can't have the good without the bad, and if you think you managed to get it, then weight it in and see if its just a lie you're convincing yourself on. Love doesn't work that way. Just as it exalts you to the highest peak, it drops you down in that same nature as well, most of the times when you least expect it.

Just saw a shooting star not long ago, and well, made a wish on it after I realised what it was haha. My wish was simple, and perhaps predictable. If you haven't guessed it already, then let me spoil your fun. I wished for me and Tze Ni to work out one day, no less, no more. There is no reason in asking for her now, especially when she's not ready for it again, especially when the time isn't right as well. I only need to do a one day, and that is good enough for me. True I have said before that I don't leave things to fate and luck and things like that, but once in a while, a little prayer and wish doesn't really hurt either. Perhaps a more useful wish then would have been to know what she's thinking and wanting to do at all times, but that just spoils the fun of it as well so why bother.

Beyond the point though I still haven't gone much into what made me smile and laugh to myself all of a sudden haha... I'll spill the beans. I started to think about Penang. The moments that make me really happy, those which felt really magical, those small and seemingly insignificant moments. I thought about how it was when her parents were meeting mine for the first time, in this really strange and awkward first dinner together. I remembered how she looked that night, shocked at how nicely she dressed for the dinner, and just looking so cute and beautiful at the same time, the perfect combination of both. She was wearing her black turtleneck top.together with that purplish thin floral skirt of hers and she just looked stunning to me, with her hair done up nicely and just... drop dead gorgeous and beautiful. Throughout the journey of sitting in her parents car on the way to the restaurant, she was holding my hand, and squeezing it tightly from time to time, looking at me with eyes that spelt nervousness yet at the same time excitement. To us that night, it felt I suppose like something a lot bigger than just a meeting over dinner, it felt... big, and I suppose it certainly was, with our parents meeting for the very first time. Still, things went more than well and... and... we dug ourselves deeper in that rabbit hole... but it didn't matter, it was where we wanted to be.

The next moment is one that I perhaps have mentioned a lot of times before, on when we were apparently still broken up and when Wern Sheng was around, the first time I went to Penang and visited her family. It was football season and we stayed up kinda with Sheng watching the football. I sat on her couch and she laid on my lap, where I would stroke her hair and occasionally kiss her head. Haha, everytime I did, she would give me that look as if to tell me no, but she wouldn't stop me. She would give me the look as if she hated it, yet it would go on for a while, and she would still lay on my lap as I continued to run my fingers through her hair. It may seem unremarkable and simple, but it was simple enough and memorable for me. I loved moments like those. I loved every moment with her.

Almost every moment spent with her is etched so deeply in my heart and head, even those moments when I was stupid and selfish, those moments when I wasn't understanding enough, silly moments like... well... condoms... and the making up for it that came after. Me passing her my shirts for the very first time, and her calling me back up to tell me she had pictures to show me of her camp, yet I was greeted by her in nothing much more than her in my shirt that was clearly oversized for her, but that was the beauty of it as well. She looked to hot and alluring then, and well, I couldn't hold it back much longer and what followed after were a series of making out events that were just... wow. Haha, all this while she was still in Taylor's, staying at My Place... I swear, that everything that happened between us so far has been just magical and just so beautiful.

Blog, once again I'd like to proclaim that... I love her so much. I love Tze Ni so much. I love her so much for who she is, the moments we've had together, her understanding of my life and career, her putting up with my terrible habits and idiosyncrasies, her loving me for what I was and who I was... I can't express it well enough, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I love her so much, I love her so very very very much. I'd like to continue writing, and I know I would, as I continue to write and recall all the things that have happened to me and her, but it would be never ending to say the least, and it would best be something stretches over multiple posts anyway... plus I've been here for about 3 hours now, half spent writing this up, so I think I'm gonna head in. This is as much for me today.

I love you baby :) so much. Thinking about it, I'm getting way too greedy in my ways at the moment, but just a future with you at the moment feels so insufficient in comparison to what I can give you. I can give you more than a love that will last, I can give you more than love and security, I can do l more than keep you warm on those cold days, I can even do more than spending that lifetime and forever with you. That's really how much I love you, and trust me when I say that I love you so much, so very very very much. :) have a good dinner and a good whatever that's left in your day... Good Night, and Sweet Dreams... kisses, hugs and loves always, and remember, I love you so much baby. So very much :) mwah.

Hamster off and out, lovehigh once again.

Achey Heady

House internet is down for reasons unknown, so I'm using some 3g to get some connection... not really in much of a condition to blog though, my head is in a mess after that checkup, the anesthetics messed with my head and now I have a head ache and would like to rest for a while... oh well.

I will blog later though, for now I just want to rest for a while >.> bawwww... I'm off then >.> mwaaaaaahhhhhhhhh... kisses hugs and loves Tze Ni :) I love you sooooo much... too much maybe even. Maybe I should cut back... or maybe not :p haha

Yeah head still hurting, so hamster off. @_@

Blurry vision kicking in

At optimax in Sunway now, for my annual checkup, and doing a little waiting, so I thought I'd drop in a little mobilebl blogging, just for the fun of it.

Perhaps the highlight if the day then is how my brother has managed to fail his driving tests' theory section... 3 times in a row. Now he has to pay to resit it. Brilliance. Whether it's any fault of his own, he's caught in between a rock and a hard place. What I mean by this is that he studied it all in English, because his English is terrible, and now, the English exam is illegible and just strange, with horrible English all the way around and just hard, something that probably I myself would fail. The issue then is that the Malay version is just as easy as ever, but my brother... well, saying that he's poor in Malay would be an understatement, and would be doing his Malay justice... at any rate, he has to resit for it again, so... yeah.

Anyway, live updates at it is, my eyes are sedated and soon I'll be losing my vision, the ability to focus my eyes lol. Gonna type up more beforehand, but its to check the back of my eyes, my retina for any abnormalities and irregularities.. you know the drill lol. The medicine is starting to kick in so I'll end this blog post soon xD or now..

Good morning baby :) have a good day ahead, study hard and rememeber... hamster always loves you, no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing :) mwah. Kisses loves and hugs :D it's a good to be alive :3

Hamster off and out, blurry vision in 3,2,1.

Unending, without fatigue.

On the roof top balcony once again, and I figured I'd do my blog post here. The clouds have cleared and the stars are out to play. I can't begin to describe how bright and beautiful they look tonight, just so beautiful and captivating. I'm telling myself now that all I'd really need is a blanket and a pillow here and I could fall asleep just fine... its too beautiful to be indoors all the time. The only thing that would make things perfect now would be if she was right beside me, enjoying it with me. One day Hsin Yang, one day.

I can't say that I have much to say about the situation right now. For the most part, with the stars above me now, and serenity baked around me, the only words that come to mind and to head right now are.... "I love you baby, I love you so very very much." Unfiltered and unprocessed, the rawest form of my emotions right now stem from love, in particular my love for her.

I can't tell you what makes me tick. I can't really explain to you what makes me feel this way or this strongly towards her. Truth be told, I wouldn't have the faintest idea. I don't know why I'm here now, I don't know why I'm feeling so strongly for her, I don't know why her haha. All I can surmount it to is just love.

Indeed, as I sit here tonight, all by my own on this roof top, all that goes through my mind now is love. The kind that makes me grateful to be alive. The one that makes me feel even more alive than what I am now. The one that makes my heart beat faster... stronger... more steadfast... good God... I'm so much in love that it's just amazing... and to be honest... just a little scary at the same time. I'm so much in love, so in love with her. It scares me, yet at the same time it brings me so much security and peace that its unbelievable.

God, as I look up at the night sky now, I look to you and ask you... what do I do with this love of mine. Am I doing the right thing. Is this how it's meant to be, what is the next move I should take... and perhaps more importantly, what will it take for my love with Tze Ni to take off and truly be given that chance to fruition into something truly made of epic proportions? Hahah, silly me knows that no matter how much I ask, the answers are never sent down to me. I have to seek them for myself, but I have faith in what I do, I have faith in my love and my choices. I believe in myself and in making this all work out. I'm me after all, the one who will make the impossible truly possible :)

Anyway I have to be off now, I gotta be up early to send my brother off to his driving exams, and I need to clean up, shower and sleep. I'd also like to e joy the stars just a little bit more instead of this screen haha :)

Tze Ni. A few simple words for you. I love you so much. I love you so much more than you can imagine. I love you baby, so very very much hahaha... and I still don't feel fatigue in saying these words everyday. No, they're just as enjoyable to say each time around... I love you. Sleep early, not too late, and finish up your work :) I love you so very very much, kisses hugs and loves, sweet dreams and good night. I'd very much like to tuck you into bed and perhaps cuddle with you... but not today. Someday it'll all work out, because I'll work to work it out :) kisses baby... love you.

Hamster off and out.

Transformer Prime...

Note to self, online shopping is a dangerous world... I went and got myself an almost brand new second hand tablet... >.>

To be fair, I've been wanting this tablet for the work and productivity functions. It comes with a keyboard dock that extends the battery life even further, to more than enough even for a whole day of working and wifi. I swear I have more productivity uses for it than anything else!!! I don't even play games on my phone or laptop! Well, apart from sudoku ><

Anyway, I'll make up for it. I'm gonna be working this year anyway, and I already did set out this year to be the first year for me to get my very own income. I'm positive I can make it happen. I have to make it happen. My life and everything else depended on it.... depends on it... and I have a rather expensive hobby... >.> haha

Anyway... that's about all to report right now, I'm in a really good mood... such that I'm actually out on my balcony right now screaming out plenty of "I love you Tze Ni's" (okay, maybe not screaming, but close.) Hahaha, I'm weird yes. but I'm not sorry for it xD haha I LOVE YOU BABY! LATER. I'll write more when I'm about to sleep :D hehe

Hamster off and out

How you remind me of what I really am.

As if posing as additional attributes to my day, while searching around the house for batteries, I came across the cupboard that stored the candles and blue glass holders that I got for last years Valentine's.

The thing is though that they felt surreal. As if... there was something about them that felt... magical, yet at the same time didn't feel real. It was like looking into a dream, one that wafts away the moment you reach for it... except that it doesn't. It's solid, its real, its there, it happened.

That's the strangest part about it I suppose, the fact that perhaps I'm still not used to being loved romantically by another per se, so much so that it doesn't feel real enough. Its strange to say it yes, if you can consider that I do have a few girls out there who like me romantically. It's just... well... I want her. None of them can make me fly like she does. None have even come close to that feeling.

One of the reasons why I refuse to let go of her. There are other fish in the sea, sure, then there's her. The others are just as they are, fish in the sea; unremarkable and run of the mill in every way, or at least that's how I feel anyway. They don't have what I'm looking for in a girl. They don't have that flare, that spark, that fire within them that drives me as well. I need someone that's not contempt with walking behind me, but instead walking beside me. Too many of them do not challenge me to be more than what I am. Too many I've met don't fulfil that criteria of what I want in a woman. There are too many to bother with. Too many open ended criterias. Too many such that when you've felt as if you've met that person, then until you're certain she's not, why bother with anything else till then?

The analogy flows the same for games. There are games, run of the mill, standard, unimaginative... games which others love but you don't, games that seem good at first, but then turn out terrible and shallow... then there is that one game that takes you away by storm, that changes your views and opinions about games completely. In the end you spend hours and hours enjoying it, and you even sit back and replay it. In the end, its essentially the same thing. When you lose that copy of your favourite item, and when someone tells you not to worry, there are newer alternatives or things like that, you can say to them, "no, I want that game, and no other game will do, screw you." Well... at least its about the same to me haha.

When I say things like these, I can admittedly say that I don't hold back when it comes to making new friends or meeting new people. I went all out even when I was dating her, even when she was my girlfriend. Some have called me stupid and silly for doing so, but what so wrong about it anyway? I knew where my loyalty was at every point in time and I made sure not to cross it, it was really as simple as that for me. Because of this attitude though, I can confidently say that I haven't really held back in meeting and getting to know new people, and none of them ever came close to even taking her spot away from my heart. I just work like that. Indeed I do agree that I work differently than a majority of others, but I say that it's because of my approach that I can say that I have met new people, and got to know them while having a girlfriend, and none of them come close to what she is. Maybe you can call it cheating, you can call it infidelity, but to me it wasn't. It was meeting new people and being reinforced of what I know all too well already.

Life and love at the moment are... hmm... good. I don't always ask for much, so I suppose you can say that I'm surviving well where I am now haha If it's one thing though that I want to change, its probably to stop myself from blocking my heart out each time it gets hard, or to make the pain easier. Nothing good ever came from it, so there isn't much point in doing it in the end as well. I usually end up bitter and what not, and float back to where I am now, so I say that I'd rather stay the way I am now regardless. Makes more sense doesn't it? Haha. It's just a matter of not worrying too much and letting things take their course, to flesh themselves out. If she really would want then to date someone new just because he was there for those extra few UK years, then so be it. She would be missing out then on a great opportunity to embark on something truly beautiful and great, and well... at that point in time, if it goes the other way, and she's sure of it, then I can only wish her all the best... but this would be only after my coaxing though haha.
Anyway, there's nothing much left for me to say at this point. Happy and high on love once again, just the way I like it. I don't get discouraged easily, just the way I like it. I don't give up easily, just the way I like it, and for the most part, I'll always be brimming with confidence, just the way I like it. I was born a winner and I know it. Oh one more thing as well. When I give my heart, it usually is completely and forever *terms and conditions apply* haha xD but no seriously, when it comes to the things or people I love, I am usually very dedicated about them :)

Probably some mid afternoon there in London. I wonder what she's up to, I wont pretend to know haha. Oh well. Have a good lunch baby. Love you so much :) loves hugs and kisses :D I'll get you back one day, you can count on it. *kiss* hehe

Hamster off and out.

Nightmares, a matter of perspective.

it’s moments like these that I know the current situation better and better. Gives me that moment where I can say that I don’t have anything else to say and that well… I know how I feel more than well enough, I know what I fear more than well enough, I know what I want and don’t want more than well enough.

To throw more context into the situation then I suppose you can say that well… it happened again. I had another nightmare about her, from seemingly out of nowhere to be honest… well I can’t say totally out of nowhere, but more of like hmm… Coming from the good mood I was in yesterday it is quite out of nowhere for me so yeah you can understand can’t you? ><

The dream was a strange one actually. I dreamt that somehow I was looking at her facebook, and that she had uploaded a few new photos and things like that. Out of natural curiosity I went and took a look at some of those photos, and the first few photos were photos that made me happy. They were photos of her in this semi close-up shot wearing the necklace that I gave her, and I was happy seeing her wear it, smiling and grinning all the way to myself. I started to flip through more photos.

The next series of photos were just… strange. Okay, not strange per se, but the way it happened to me is dream-like, so bear with me. I started to see this series of photos of her with this other guy, and she was indifferent and treating this other guy as a friend and the guy seemed to be doing the same, yet each photo had comments at the bottom by her friends saying things like how they made a cute couple, they should be together and things like that. In the nature of strange dreams, each photo as I looked at them, came alive in a sort of video like nature as I see the events that unfolded in these photos before and after they were taken.

Sadness took over me and well, it was getting more and more difficult. When I got to the last photo, it was a photo of them close to holding hands, in this close up shot. In the nature of this strange dream as well, it came alive before me, as if a strange documentary of things that was happening, and I saw them fumbling and fidgeting, before nearly holding hands with each other. At that very moment before they held hands, I just said it in my head, “No.” and I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing semi heavily to boot as well.

First instinct of course took over me and I jumped onto the computer and logged into facebook just to reassure myself. As expected nothing was there. I even went looking for the guy that was tagged in the photos with her, as I remembered his name as well. As it turns out, he’s plenty fictional and my head is terrible at making up names and has a horrible imagination for them. Now that I think about it, it’s a rather cheesy name anyway… Ken. I feel foolish at this point.

I suppose it begs to question my whole resolve on the whole entire thing. Of course I know this one, of course I do. I mean, I tell myself that if ever she finds a new guy, I’d learn to let it go and move on from there, but the reality of it is certainly more different from what it’s made out to be. I told myself I won’t get affected by it, I’d be happy, I’d smile and I’d cheer her onwards, but in reality, I don’t think I can do that at all. How can I ever end up doing that. We’re talking about watching the girl you love end up in another man’s arms, and giving them your blessing. There is NOTHING right about that to be honest, and I don’t want to ever give in to that kind of ideal.

The subconscious mind works differently than that of the directed. Through these days of the week, I have told myself that I don’t think about her much, I don’t want to, I want to focus on work and things like that, and that it’s what I want at the moment. Though said and done, I still get nightmares like these. I can tell you that this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten nightmares like these as you may know. I usually do end up writing them down one way or another in this blog. Just a matter of time and well privacy at that point in time I suppose.

What does this all mean for me though. What do you think it means for me? I suppose if anything, it tells me that I don’t want to give her up for anything in the world, and if I still can’t give her my blessing for her with another guy, then I’ll still go after her. I don’t want to give her up to anyone, I don’t want to lose her to anything. I don’t want anything to happen to her, and I certainly don’t want to live my life without her as well. It tells me that despite being heavily focused on my work this year, I still love her, and I still want her. It reminds me on my stance towards her, my feelings for her and things like that. Life isn’t easy for me, but it never was, and for now it won’t get any better soon as well.

So what’s that tell me? Buck the fuck up or lose out and die, and regret it for the rest of your life. It’s just as simple as that. If you don’t want her ending up with anyone else, then take her back with your own two hands. If you can’t do so now, then be patient about it, yet persistent. If you need to cry, bitch, moan or just complain about something, then do it. It’ll make you feel better and allow you to continue on with what you need to do.

Time and time again, my mind enjoys collaborating with my heart to constantly remind me that there is no other girl I want but Tze Ni. It may have been a good 6 months since then, but I still know what I want, I still am certain of it, I know who I love and I still love her. Nightmares like these won’t be used to flame my fears on, but instead to fuel my pursuit of her once again. I won’t give up. Not to anyone, not to anything. No one gives up the person they love for anything, not even if the cards are stacked against them. Not even if life seems unfair. NOT EVEN IF THE CHANCES OF SUCCESS THEN MAY BE BELOW 1%. As long as the chance is still there, as long as I still feel as strongly as I do each day, as long as I still see that little glimmer at the end of this 2 1/2 year more tunnel, I’ll take it.

You want to challenge me? bring it on. I’ll show you what I’m made of. I’ll show you what my love is worth, and one day, I’ll show you how strong it is. Defeat is not a word I keep in my dictionary, neither is giving up. This is my stance on life, this is my stance on love.

I want you Tze Ni, only you, and one day, I’ll make you mine once again. I don’t have any doubts about that. I love you.

 

 

Hamster off and out.