Biding to Social Protocol

It sucks when you want to tell someone you love them so much but just can’t. You just… CAN’T. Not because you don’t have the means to do so… but… It’s… not what you’re supposed to do. No, you’ve come this far and this is for the best >< it’s for her, it’s for you, it’s for us. CONTAIN IT.

It’s really quite difficult… the number of times when I’m sending her viber messages I have to remind myself each time NOT to say I love you… because I can’t… She doesn’t need me like that now. I have to be a good friend before anything else >< Same goes when she calls me. I have to constantly remind myself not to do it… and there were a few times I stopped myself short of doing it to be honest…

She doesn’t need to hear those words from me… no, she needs to… focus on her studies and do well, and whatever else she needs to do to get there >< only thing I would be if I said it to her would be a nuisance I feel… a stick prodding the side of her head and heart that will remind her of it… or ruin her day one way another >< bah.

Just a short blog post :( To vent semi frustrations… :x I loveee youu… and I want to tell it to you, and I want you to hear it but I can’t… because I’m not supposed to and it’s not what you’re supposed to hear right now >< Neither is it what you need to hear right now… :(

Oh well… I’ll focus my energy elsewhere :(

The Help

Good afternoon blog :) Spending some time doing some cleaning now… more of like desktop cleaning to make sure my applications are there and are installed fine. Wrote some custom applications and just sorted and tidied things up in general :D and so things are looking much better and mighty fine :3

I just watched ‘The Help’. Such a good movie. Essentially the movie talks of life in the perspective of maids, back in old America, and about the racial as well as social disparity during the time, and how a few decided to change their fates. A really good movie and I can recommend it.

The movie reminded me of Tze Ni a lot… like a LOT. >< In particular the main Heroine and the situations she goes through and the strife and trouble and how she grew attached to her maid of 29 years do strike rather close similarities… How the parents in the family just say that they’re working for just the money, there are no emotional attachments… And also sort of showed how the children most of them raised by (including the main herione) the maids, have a strong connection to them and don’t view them as hired workers rather than family members and people…

Not to spoil the story too much as well, but the maid was fired when the girl was still in school, and she found that out later (as opposed to the maid quitting) and when the Heroine found this out and tried to visit her maid to get her back… she found out that the maid whom she had loved so much had passed away from old age… A really good movie that I think people should really watch. I may have more than above connection with the movie but… I did enjoy it through and through…

Sigh, I kinda promised myself I wouldn’t talk about it as well, but I just somewhat feel like it as well… I remember writing in my blog that day itself and giving her Kakak my respects and prayers as well… I did also tell her Kakak not too worry too much because I’ll to my best to take care of Tze Ni as well. I intend with hold steadfast my words and continue to take care of her, even from afar, even if I can’t do so directly. Supporting from the shadows is apparently something I’m quite good at anyway at any rate ><

I really do wish though that she was still around as well… If not for her to support Tze Ni all the way in UK, then for me to meet one day in the future as well. Some things are just not meant to be I suppose, and some of the good things just don’t last. Still, it would only be right for me to give her her proper respects as well… Just like how Constantine in the movie raised the Heroine to be a fine woman who was strong and proud, and stood up for herself, Kakak has done just the same for Tze Ni :) I just really do wish she could still be around as well though.

I love you so very very very much Tze Ni :) Despite being so far away from you all the time, and how we’re not in any sort of relationship anymore, I still find myself thinking of you so much and so often… Often times the thought of you just creeps up onto me in ways I don’t expect it to, whether it be suddenly or sneakily like in this movie, I find myself thinking so much about you and find myself pulled deeper into this whole thing, loving you so much and missing you so much at the same time.

Often times when I start thinking about you my thoughts start converging to that of the future, I’d imagine us together, your laughs, your smiles and how I would look forward to them everyday, what we would do… Things like that… I find myself thinking and missing and loving you so much, yet I am not sad. Rather I am still positive about life, and instead I look forward to us being together in the future for a long time. There’s no reason to be sad about it now, I can only do what I can now and fretting about it definitely won’t change anything.

Listening to my music also helps me keep really steadfast and strong, and I’ve been listening to a lot of clubbing music as of late, and as usual their music and lyrics are most of the times always so very uplifting. In particular I’ve been hooked to a song called Titanium with is by David Guetta and Sia hahaha and the Alesso Remix… essentially how no matter what hits you, you’ll get get up, you won’t fall, no matter what happens you’ll stay strong all the time, I am Titanium. xD hahahahaha

I find myself lacking of words to say, but instead can only sit in my chair here, smiling to myself, thinking of her and only being positive. I can’t even stop myself from smiling, I’m just that… Positive and happy I suppose :) I love her so much and nothing in the world can take that away from me. My love for her will be strong and true all the time :D

I think I better stop the post here… Not much of it I know but yeah. The only thing I feel like doing now is hugging one of my pillows, keep kissing it and shouting out from the top of my lungs, “I LOVE YOU TZE NI!!!!! I LOVE  YOU SOOOO VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!!” ahahahaha I really do.

She’s probably off in class right about now, so yeah :) Do pay attention in class, have a good lunch later and… Well yeah :) Hamster loves you SO. VERY. VERY. VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY MUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MORE THAN THE STARS AND PLANET IN THE GALAXY!~ HHahahaha OR THE NUMBER OF CARBON ATOMS IN THE WORLD! XD Man I’m so terrible cheesy. and lame.

I started this post at 4pm and now it’s 10:39pm xD I tend to do that, start and then do something else, then continue O_o but yeah whatever XD

 

Hamster, in love with his baby, so much and still smiling to himself (cheeks hurt now) signing off.

Doonneee D:

Man, that took way longer than expected. Before I knew it, the time now is 6:17am =_= Really. I hadn’t been looking much at the clock granted but to not notice this is pretty massive… All while I was trying to get my machine to work to a respectable level… Crazy… I had to do so much tinkering and this new system I’m experimenting with the OCZ Synapse is just so finicky and picky… oh well.

Now that I realise it, I guess I am pretty tired now… Scratch that, I’m actually pretty damn tired lol >< I’m yawning my face off here hahaha. I always get so caught up doing something that I always forget the time… I can’t keep doing this. It’s bad for me and my health >< Gotta stay alive, well and healthy, if not for myself, then for her : P or rather for us hahaha xD

I might be having a few 24 hour events with a friend. We are challenging ourselves to break our limits by essentially making a game in 24 hours, a complete-ish one. I’ll be handling the programming and some design aspects, he’ll be doing the art and design. It should be really interesting, and I’m actually quite excited for it as well. A good opportunity to polish and get good at my programming skills, I may just get addicted to that. In the meantime though, I’m doing my own share of programming, continuing to work on my Final year project to polish it up and get it the way I want it to be :D

Noticed on facebook today that it’s Yi Ann’s birthday, so out of courtesy I dropped her a happy birthday lol >.> She gave me a thank you handsome reply? lol whatever. I have this strange feeling she may still have more than interest in me, especially now that she’s single as well =_= doesn’t change anything though, I’m very much in love with Tze Ni and my impression of her is well down the pooper anyway >.> mehhhh

I really want to get some sleep, wash my face and head off, so yeah, I won’t extend this post for too long as well. Not much purpose or reason to do so since I’m so tired, not as if I can’t do it tomorrow anyway… >.>

Good Night Tze Ni, I love you so much :) Hugs kisses and so much loves from me to you :) always. :D

Love you sooooooo sooooooo much :D Been so busy today but never ever forgot about you :) MWAHHHHHZERS :D Don’t sleep late kay? :) NIGHTS! LOVES!

 

Hamster singing out! and hopping onto bed >.<

WHY U BREAK.

It’s still going. Blah. –_- I never imagined the day to turn out like this even though it started good. So here I am in the end, writing this on my laptop waiting for my Desktop to get back into service and into proper functionality >< the good part is that I took the time off to finish up my Headphone project, and it’s officially complete and working like a boss x3

So anyway, let me fill you in blog on what happened today and why I’m posting this up so relatively late, even though I got up pretty early this morning ><

What happened was that this morning was that my Hard Drive actually arrived via parcel from Australia Post (Talk about speed and efficiency) I was all nice and up in the morning and went and installed it and booted up my computer again. Low and behold my windows wouldn’t start anymore >< I rooted out the cause, my hard drive power cable was loose, so anyway I took the time out then to clean out my desktop too, it was pretty darn dirty on the inside.

So yea, again I booted into windows and got things working then one of the main applications buggered out and killed my windows installation. Fine, never mind, Its time I did a reformat as well… and yeah because I installed the new hard drive which uses this new system and stuff… I can’t reinstall windows, so I’m trying hard to get everything back and running again –.- It’s nearly been 12 hours since I’ve started and I’m not really getting anywhere –_- oh life u ass.

But yeah, the day has not been all frustration anyway… It gave me a good chance to clean up my desktop and sort things out inside as well as flush myself a clean copy of Windows… >.> That and I used the downtime to finish up my headphones project and they’re totally bangin’ now XD hahahaha ahhhh ><

So anyway yeah. What a day –_- whee. Man… it’s so hot here in Australia now as well >< I wonder what she’s up to there in UK… IF she was around here now I certainly could use her to pull me away from all of this and just… do something else. Oh well. For all intents and purposes while I’m alone here I’m a super geek who will ward away all the girls and not attract anyone or anything XD hahahaha

I feel so brain dead and slow but yeah… oh well I’ll stop the post here… There are desktops to take care of and I wanna grab myself a cuppa before I tackle it again >< Fun fun fun.

Mwah. I love you Tze Ni… Lunch there now so… enjoy your lunch :D and do think of me once in a while xD hahahaha or better yet drag me away from here so that I don’t have to deal with computers and machines once in a while >3< lol. oh well… Love you so much baby, mwah kisses kisses nibble nibble ear XD lol

 

Hamster offf

Insight

Wasn’t supposed to sleep late, wasn’t so supposed to sleep THIS late. I was actually quite tired earlier on already and was planning to head to bed soon, but I ended up getting caught up doing soldering, plastic cutting and forming as well as gluing together bits and pieces >< One of the projects I’ve wanted to do for a while, where I transplant my old broken Headphone’s 50mm Drivers into a newer but less bang headphone’s 40mm… Takes a lot of plastic cutting and planning, and I managed to get one ear done and tested. So far so good, and am actually really excited for the end product.

I re-read through my last post at least the last bits and it almost seems like contingency at some point seemed a bit off. One second I’m talking about what happens if this happens, then the next I’m saying that I love her and stuff like that. Meh… It’s still more than true though. I love her with everything in my heart, but yeah… for now I want to reserve myself as well. It’s a bit hard to explain I suppose but think of it as me loving her with all my heart, while setting up a buffer barrier as well, in case anything happens, such that I would be somewhat prepared to do worst case scenario actions ><

It’s the nature for someone like myself, I tend to try and cover every point possible and cover my moves for every possible outcome such that I’m not particularly taken off guard as well. It’s not that I really don’t trust her, It’s not that at all. In fact I really don’t mind her going out with guys as much now, I seem to be tuning down on the whole jealousy business, I can’t say it’s totally gone but I have a much better control at it now, and I understand that it probably was like as it was before, where she just goes out as friends anyway. Considering I’ve let her go out one on one with guy friends before for a movie, I don’t see how this is any worse per se I suppose.

I can’t really say that distance is hard, but it’s I suppose unnerving when you don’t particularly know what’s happening on the other side as well, when you feel like you’re being kept in the dark for all of this. I do have faith that she knows what she’s doing and whatever she’s doing though. I have faith that of course she should realise that whatever decisions she does now, inevitably some of it will affect the future with us considering she wants one.

For some reason I’m reminded of one of the times when we Whatsapped before she deleted it, where she said she’s not really into clubbing anymore, and she’d rather have the outdoors any day. In that sense I do suppose that’s the Tze Ni I trust in, the one whom I know so well. The one one who would prefer going on outdoor excursions than enjoy a rather explicit night life.

Thinking about it even more though, there was this point before she went to UK where I was… hmm… unsettled for a while… Maybe even a little now, now that I think about it. I was/ am curious as to how UK will form her and change her. Most people change a lot after they go overseas to live and study. They tend to be very different people after that, and I suppose part of my worry was that she’d change as well, sort of be someone different than the person whom I knew before she left and loved…

When I say that, it’s not as if I’m against her changing, but rather I’m… I suppose intimidated by it. So many variables and so many open ended options that I just can’t predict every ending, neither can I particularly pinpoint them… On the other hand though, there are those who travel overseas and don’t really change much as well, and they’ve certainly travelled longer than the 3 years she’s going to be in UK. I suppose when I think about it, 3 years isn’t really all that long either. 3 years.

3 Years before I can have her back in Malaysia again, 3 years… actually now that it’s begun, 2 years and about 10 months? I suppose that’s about the best part of this at this moment as well. The fact that I can count down to it and that the clock is somewhat running already. Sure, a lot of things can happen in this short of 3 years, but on the other hand, it’s not overly long as well. Something I can totally live with I suppose if it is the means to a better end for the both of us. I wonder if she still thinks of me actively… who knows ><

I miss her just a little now. I miss even how she’d message me on google talk or skype with her miaooo..’s or mooo’s or even just a hey. These days she hardly ever strikes up conversations with me anymore and I suppose she’s getting used to not having me in her life, and in many ways I’m getting more used to having minimal contact as well… Not that I can say that I’m particularly happy with this. She hasn’t replied my Viber message as well, I WAS pretty curious to know how her Get Lost even unfolded but I suppose I doubt that I’ll ever get to know at this rate, and I think that’s how things will be and I just gotta get more and more used to it.

Blaahhhhh :( It sucks when you know that you have to accept that you are being limited with the person you love… that you have to be as well >< I miss taking her out for Baskin Robbins, for Tutti Frutti, to go to movies where we’d have our couple seats, and how I didn’t mind not really paying too much attention to Avatar the movie (Eri hates me for this LOL). I miss taking her to MNG, to Dorothy Perkins, to watch her try on different clothes and dresses and to just wait patiently and also enjoy myself. All these things I’ve gotten used to already, I am starting to condition myself to let them slide, at least for the time being.

I think I should head to bed soon, my eyes are starting to hurt so yeah >< hahah =_= I miss you Tze Ni… I want your hugs and your kisses, I want your silent whispers and your smiles, and I think I miss not just your voice but seeing you as well, even if it’s just on a video conference call… You have no idea how happy those made me, even though I knew you were so far away. They never failed to brighten up my day :) Even when you were busy, just watching you was enough for me then to make me happy…

I love you so much baby. I love you so very very very very much :x Here’s me still being more than hopeful in us and our future. No, I’ll make it work because I want it to. I believe that everything I do and say, even the things on this blog have an effect on our future together, and I’d like to think that it’s more than a good one. I’ll renew my love and my trust for her everyday, and come back just as strong if not stronger each and every time. Because I love you and I really want a future with us together Tze Ni :) Mwah..

 

Hamster off and out before my eyeballs explode –.-

Mood Destroyed =_=

Now for a change of pace. I’m actually pretty pissed off and disappointed right now. Just so angry on so many levels that I just can’t even bloody explain it. I’ll get to why in a minute, I just feel like not giving a shit anymore.

See, I have this friend in Singapore, older than me, like a year older than my sister, and I’ve known her for quite some time, from an online game, also met her in person before. I think more than 5-7 years now. See, thing is that she keeps on trying to get a job but keeps quitting them and obviously that keeps looking really bad for her resume, she quits her semi permanent jobs and then now she’s in a predicament and she can’t get hired.

So whats happenning? She came to chat to me telling me that no one will hire her and she’s worthless and things like that. I tried to cheer her up by telling her to… well cheer up, try to be more positive and you know, do what you can. The thing is that the only job she can take now is a really crappy job, and she hasn’t been employed in a while. Between crap job and long span of unemployment, I choose crap job to be honest, and somehow me telling her to consider which she wants to do, because I would do the crap job, makes it sound as if she’s not trying hard enough at least thats how apparently I sounded like to her, telling her that she’s not trying hard enough. Maybe she is but I wasn’t getting at that –.-

So in the end she started saying that and I said I felt insulted that she was interpreting my words as a comment on her not trying hard. She starts saying on how my words don’t come across well sometimes, and I told her that she’s the ONLY one who has taken my words so negatively ever, and I spend a lot of time cheering a lot of people up and helping them with their personal lives or relationships. I do this because I enjoy seeing them happier as well and that they are definitely happier people once they talked it out with someone. She then goes ahead and says that… ‘well, maybe I’m just more perceptive than them’.

Really? More perceptive? It just sounds like an excuse you’re trying to make for being so negative all the time. Interpreting my words negatively as well –_- I told her that I don’t know if that’s so much of the case as it is her just making up an excuse for that… And then she goes ahead and say that well I’m just ‘not sensitive or perceptive to people’

REALLY? REALLLY?! I felt insulted by that I told her to think what she has to do over, and that I was leaving the convo because I felt insulted and that I didn’t really need this at the moment, coming from a good mood this morning as well. =_= She went on to say…

“if you dont ever have problems cheering up ur girl then the problem is just me and u dont have to worry abt it”

Sure sometimes I have problems cheering Tze Ni up, because hey, there are things I just can’t do like take the distance between us away at times, but REALLY, she has never really made it my fault has she? Not that I know of, NO! >< What kind of person really finds someone else to cheer them up, then attacks their words and insults them? =_= I didn’t want to lash out and shout it out at her, so I just said ‘Wow, Thanks, now have some time to yourself. I’m out.’ Sigh. She’s the same person who CHOSE not to talk to me for more than half a year because she wanted to get a HTC phone and I told her that HTC was like the Apple of the Android world because they have pretty good software and hardware to boot =_= REALLY. SHE HATED ME FOR EVEN DOING THAT ENOUGH TO IGNORE ME FOR 6 MONTHS.

Of course I didn’t even BEGIN to apologize for anything, because really, what the hell do I have to apologize for. Oh I’m sorry I associated HTC with Apple that you hate so much? I’m not your lap dog =_= FFS. This is the same person who felt that somehow I ended up with my Programming skills, some amateur art skills, and basically everything I’m good at now magically. I have news for you, I’m good at them because I kept doing at it, I never gave up and I worked hard and enjoyed myself doing it in the process. This is how I got good in the skills I am proud of today! =_=

God. You know when I said that I felt Tze Ni was ahead of the rest in terms of her maturity and thinking? THIS IS WHY. I HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS 4 YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND 9 YEARS OLDER THAN TZE NI WHO STILL ACTS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. Tze Ni in comparison is more adult like than she’ll ever be =_= ARGH! Having known these kind of girls then finding and dating Tze Ni was more than good enough for me, especially since I was looking for a mature and more grown up at least mentally girl as well =_= Proof that age means nothing and really, girls mature faster than guys? What a ruse. Different individuals do it differently –_-

On to better news, RMIT released their results for this Semester today, and I passed every one of them, so that’s always good news. Distincitons where I never thought I’d get them, and a Credit where I thought… WHAT! AS IF A CREDIT. At any rate this doesn’t change much because I still have to be around for the earlier half of next year to finish up 1 subject. Bloody ridiculous. Sigh. The good part is that it’s hardly 6 months than it is actually 3 months though. It’s always been like that. Starts in end February/ March, and I’m off by early/ mid June so it’s not that bad. 6 months is actually about 3 and if it’s just one subject I’ll breeze it more than fine. Gonna get me a part time job in the meantime if that’s the case and hone my skills in other sectors.

Probably means that I can be around for Chinese New Year, and visit her family as well during that time, also not to mention be back in Malaysia when she’s back in June or so or maybe even later. Always a good thing to think about, the idea of being able to meet her family and her again not too long after. Whether she’d like to meet me of course is another case.

The mood is striking into me and before this blog session I was thinking about what happened if she ended up dating another guy whilst in UK. The mood just kind of accelerated that thought into ‘I don’t really wanna go there land’ and now I wanna get it out so that I feel better too =_= bleh. I think in the event that anything like that happened… I mean if anything, I’d hate to find out for myself. I believe in the event, that at least I have enough accumulated respect and am deserving of the decency then to be told by herself that she’s interested in someone else, even if we’re not dating anymore… She of all people should know how much I love her and so I think it would only be right if she told me no? I guess it’d just be one of those things that I can handle with if sort of told, but if I had to find it out myself I’m not sure how I’d react to it… Not too pleasant probably.

Coming onto that as well, yeah I suppose if that ended up happening, I wouldn’t end up holding out in some sense for her as well. My current stance in my personal relationship life now is that whilst I’m single and have broken up, I’m still not looking for someone to be in a relationship with, as I have someone whom I love very much and dearly… However I suppose I were to hear that she was to date someone else especially without at least informing me before-hand as well, I don’t think I’d be able to uphold that end not to mention whether I’d want to… It’s not as if we broke up hating each other as well, and we still talk to extents so I would only expect as much from someone I used to date I suppose ><

Bah, gotta climb out from this pit of Lame I’m stuck in. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS. You know what I think I’m gonna do now? I’m gonna go prepare my dinner and then whilst waiting for it to cook I’ll go clean the house. >< BEH!~

>< Ahhhhh Even in the foulest of moods I can still say this with ease. I love you Tze Ni. Probably… morning-ish by there now so yeah, Good Morning~ Enjoy your day and have a good one. :) love you so very much… And I kinda wish I could get at least cuddles and hugs now for my mood but I’ll save up my cuddle and hug points with you for a later time when I can spend it all at one go hahhah :)

 

Hamster, not so hot headed anymore, off and out.

FINALLY.

Woke up fairly early today :D Feeling a good all over, only decided to blog post now though. I’ve been… preoccupied to say the least with a lot of the other things and got too stuck in the mood to do a blog posting XD hahahaha

So Couriers Please called me this morning and was talking to me about the parcel and shipment, apparently its back to the sender, and Couriers Please was like oh if it comes back to us we can send it to your door again… And yeah whatever : P Like hell I will xD hahaha So yeah, I called the tech company to reverify that they’ve received it back again, and paid a small fee for them to send it Via AusPost Express. Pfft. :P It’s already shipped today so hopefully tomorrow or the day after I’ll finally get it! :D

Anyway nothing much on her front today, rather I’m still in happy happy joy joy mode :P Still very much in love land, and still very much in trust land in whatever she’s going to do :) Repeating any more of it now would just be totally redundant XD so I’ll skip on that :P hahha. I love you Tze Ni :)

And yes I think I have to go now, I wanna get groceries before the grocer closes in an hour and I’m riding my bike down so it might take a while :x Gotta start moving. Got more to write but I’ll save that for later.

Love you Tze Ni :D Have a good day and Enjoy your… err… Monday. >_> Loves and all the hugs and kisses in the world… You know I love you so much :)

 

Hamster rush off!

Sweetness

I feel like singing :O I REALLY DO O_O And like outloud too. Which song? D: Why… Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons! :D hahaha and their song ‘Can’t take my eyes off you’ x3 a song which we would sing in our love high moments, and one which I still enjoy till this day :3

I Love you baby~, and If it’s quite alright I need you baby, through all the lonely nights, I love you baby, trust in me when I say… Oh pretty baby, don’t bring me down I pray, oh pretty baby now that I’ve found you, stay, and let me love you baby, let me love you! Everytime I find myself humming or singing this chorus bit I am reminded so much of her and I can’t help smiling to myself. A feel good song if there ever was one. Instant happiness XD hahaha

Yes, if anything, I’m a hopeless positive. Life is so much better when you’re a hopelessly positive person, TRUE FACTS. I believe in myself, my own feelings, my judgement, my wants and my goals :D and I believe that they will come into fruition if I keep at them and stay positive :) If both of us want this sort of epic future then yes it’s more than possible and it’s not actually THAT hard now that I have somewhat of an idea what to do hahaha :D I look forward to futures of us adopting doggies, giving them names and taking them out for walks and jogs and watching them go crazy in the park <3 hehe I love her so much :)

ANYHOW. Good reason why I’m not asleep till now, spent the time guiding my friend into rooting and flashing his phone to a new rom and he’s not particularly the fastest at it… Till 5:33 am =_= Couldn’t leave him as well, he somewhat depended on me to get it working nice and right :x Well and yeah he managed to get his phone working nice and good now :D alles gutttt~ and we’re both tired :x and I took my sleeping… uhm… liquid as well XD aka Coffee. Always effective in sending me to a good state of mental wobble and sleepiness, go figure.

Japanese Cultural Festival today was awesome, plenty of Japanese people, lots of NON Japanese as well, and had good Takoyaki and Taiyaki <3 soo gooood :D Played some of the events too, heaps of fun and won my little… water filled balloon thing that people seem to win a lot in the summer festivals in Japan XD Cute but I have no idea what the heck it does.

Thinking of Japan reminds me as well of her, and when we started dating during that time as well, how she got drunk off her face from drinking too much Sake at an onsen, and ended up contacting me as well there in Japan :D Good good good memories. Also because we kinda talked before of going to Japan together in the future where we would visit her homestay family there, go travelling and onsen and things like that together :D Too many levels of awesome if that came true <3

Wonder why I’m so lovey dovey this week >.> Not sure why myself, but hell, like I’m complaining, I’m loving it XD I’m low sustenance as well so I suppose you can say it doesn’t take much for me to get going… Much like my hybrid car :3 Efficient XD hahahaha But yeah :D Its a good week all in all I suppose. I can’t complain too much over the things out of my control like my damn parcel. I’ll handle that when the time comes :x

Anyway, I wanna head of to bed soon, no point in me extending this too long <3 so yeah :D I’ll make my move.

I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO SOOOOO SOOOO OSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TZE NI XD I WANTS TO EPIC MWAHS AND EPIC KISSES U. SURE I CAN’T DO IT NOW BUT THAT WON’T STOP ME IN THE FUTURE x3 HAHAHAH :D I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I MISS U TOO :) Here’s hoping you feel somewhat the same way too :D

 

Anymore loves and hearts and I’d be a walking diabetes giver with my sweetness hahaha :D

Hamster off and out!

HAPPY TEIMS.

GOOD MORNING!!! GREAT MORNING!!! SHE’S BACK IN ONE PIECE <3 HAHAHA :D I’M SO RELIEVED X3 AND ITS A GOOD WAY TO START THE MORNING TOO! :D YAY!!

Wanna know more about how her trip was, like detail for details! I wanna know what she did, how it was, how she got there :D Her positioning as well! Ohhhh So excited for her x3 hahahahah :D

ANYWAY! I gotta get ready and get moving, gonna go to a Japanese Cultural Festival with Eri O_O I’m supposed to meet him there, so yeah :o

I LOVE YOU TZE NI <3 U SO AWESOME XD hahahha <3 <3 <3 <3 DO TELL ME HOW IT ALL WENT! AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE DETAILS :D LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! XD

 

HAMSTER FLYING OFF SEATS

Bubbly :D

DAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!! Heading off to bed, then realised that I wanted to do a post before I did, then forgot about it till now O_O It’s become ritualistic almost to post every half day O_O Not that it’s a bad thing, it frees my mind up or other things :D

Hopefully she’s taking care of herself now :) Not sure what time she finishes the event, but I can only imagined it’d be a whole day thing. The one thing that caught me off guard was how she liked the comment I threw on her photo though. Not so much the comment itself as that she managed to like in whilst what I’m thinking is in the middle of that race event? O_o Sure seems quite relaxed to be able to browse facebook hahaha Make sure you bring home the trophy if you’re that confident : P hahaha

Days and weeks go by and still my feelings for her are as solid as ever. Interesting though maybe it should be somewhat noted as well though, that what makes me feel like agesss, has only been little more than over 1 month, reaching two. Still, based on my own track records as well, I can tell that I’m gonna spend a lot of hours and days and weeks, and months and years in the future thinking about her :X Whilst you may say that she’s so far away and you’re just torturing yourself… I ask, why does it have to be torture?

I never quite understood the mentality of most people, not to say that I’m some kind of superior person or anything, but rather a lot of people choose to see things in a negative light rather than positively. So for me, instead of thinking to myself how things are somewhat worst off now, she’s in UK, so many factors affecting her that I can’t control, bla bla bla yada yada yada yak yak yak, I instead choose to think of it this way:

I have someone in my life whom I love so very dearly, and has earned her spot there. Everyday just the mere thought of her lifts me up and helps carry me through my day. I think of her in the day, and even in sleep she is somewhat omnipresent. I feel happy and loved somewhat just knowing that she most likely still holds strong feelings for me. What really is there to hate about that? Let’s recap. She makes my everyday bright even when she’s not here, I’m still a happy person, and happier knowing that I have someone who loves me, and I look forward to everytime I meet her, sort of like miniature blessings in their own way. Really, nothing to hate whatsoever no? :O Love is Divine, and so is written on her orange T-Shirt as well hahaha :)

I believe that we’ve come this far together, and we’re going to make it through to the end. So long as we have our heads and minds in the right place, things will work out more than just fine, things will be awesome :D Besides, we still haven’t conquered KK together. By that I quote what she said about our KK trip as well, we survived KK. Conquering is totally something else and not to mention she still owes me a White Water Rafting session with her hahaha :D Man, to be able to go back to Sabah with her, revisit and explore new places, and to be able to climb KK again would be more than Epic :3 Plus she loves making these holiday plans which I realise I’m terrible at anyway D: and she can’t navigate too well, and I’m a born navigator, pathfinder if you will :3 WE WERE MADE FOR THIS, WE WERE MADE FOR AWESOME. RAWR. <3 hahaha

Anyway! I have my trip to Venice Booked already (YAY!). Gonna end up forfeiting a few places as well due to time constraints, and so the rough plan for the moment is UK for a week, then leave on the 1st of Jan 2012 to Venice for about 3 days before I meet my sister in Portugal where we travel and visit, then back to Germany for a few days and then to Austria for snowboarding! :D Then probably back to Germany and taking a flight there back to Malaysia. Not gonna end up going to UK before I leave, it’s not very penny wise anyway :x

I’ll be staying in a hostel near her place actually… because it’s really cheap there, go figure. Thing is though, there are a few days when I can’t stay in the room, so I’m not sure what to do, gonna have to Vacate :x Like the night after Christmas and I think another after that on the 1st before I head off to Venice >< I know it will probably be weird, but I wonder if she minds if I sleep on her room floor or something >.> If not I have to find somewhere else to stay for those nights… Blah. I did want to at least spend some Christmas and New Years with her though, so… Maybe. Hahaha >< I swear I won’t do anything so please don’t throw me out on the winter streets D: I’ll be like that girl with the matches =_= lol

Anyway, I think I’ll head off now. 5:19am already. I wonder if she’s still in her LSE RAGs race O_o if so, KEEP GOING AT IT! :D WIN WIN WIN! hahaha :3 If not then… Good Job x3 lol. Whatever the outcome, I hope you’ve enjoyed yourself and had a great time :D truly things that I could never do mostly because my Uni is suck and boring like that –.- meh. Doesn’t matter.

MmMMMMM Off to bed! I love you Tze Ni! :D I love you so VERY VERY VERY MUCH!~ VERY MUCH O_O *stare into face* xD hahahaha MWAH KISS KISS KISS HUG KISS LOVE LOVE PECK ON FOREHEAD! X3 hahahaha

 

Bubbly bubbly hamster OFF!

Bombardment

Hey there blog. Slow morning… It’s been raining all morning and that has been sending me back to the bed non stop, until now, afternoon >.> The bed somehow was that much more comfortable when it was raining and the sound of the rain drops falling on my roof and outside my window was more therapeutic and calming… yet also hypnotic.

Had a dream about her again. See what I mean by I dream a LOT about her? I mean it. It’s a LOT. >< this was an amusing dream >.> It was somewhere around UK I think it was and I was looking at her from a bit of distance, making sure she was okay, worried about her. When I moved forward to where I knew she was, I saw her there, really tired and somewhat asleep, sitting by the side of a wall with eyes close >.> (yeah I know right? WTF? >_> lol)

I walked up to her and I sort of tried to keep friend distance too, and said to her “Hey, you can’t sleep here, get up…” while nudging her a little. She saw that it was me and then she smiled and leaned herself into my chest, and just laid there. Kinda took me back but okay… don’t mind it.

So anyway, that aside, I carried her and took her to where her friends were, and we kinda sat on a long sofa sort of thing and it was at night, and she started leaning on me again, she sat right to me… Her friends were kinda looking at us, and there was this guy who was to her right as well and I could tell that he liked her, and was saying things to her to try and get her off me, trying to take care of her if you will. I didn’t really say anything, but she wouldn’t let me go or continue leaning on me, and so what happenned was that after a while he just said, ‘Who is he anyway?’ and she replied to him ‘He’s my boyfriend’.

I swear I was like so extremely happy face at the moment even though I knew it was a dream. I woke up not long after and have had this good feeling and sensation in my heard and head ever since hahaha. I know that it may just be a dream and nowhere near a real world representation of what she may think of me at the moment, but it does make me very happy :)

I think I mentioned it before as well, but I do believe that dreams are semi transcendent. What I mean by that is that it’s a medium of emotions at times, not always of yourself but of others… There was a study somewhere which showed something similar before I think, where when two people’s brain waves are sort of similar then they can actually cross dreams or something like hat XD Sounds fantasy-like but whatever.

At this point all I’m willing to believe in is my feelings of love for her, and maybe that she has the same feelings for me. :) I love you so very much baby, and good luck with your event today! :D I really am wishing you all the best for you to win, but also to play it safe and don’t do anything rash or reckless to win okay? :) Hamster loves you and hamster wants you back in one piece. Like… untouched. >< hahaha

Anyway I think I’ll end here, I’ve got things to do, and houses to clean (actually just one but meh) and I wanna get them done :D

I love you Tze Ni :3 You can have a virtual hug of congratulations and maybe a kiss on the cheek from me if you win :D hahahah

 

Hamster off and out

Sleep you elude me

Having difficulties trying to fall asleep. Probably because I napped before.

The only things running in my mind now and probably one of the sole reasons that I'm still awake is because somehow the words 'I love you Tze Ni, I love you so very very very much' and variants of it like how there's no one else that compares to you, I love you like no other person, I am completely in love with you... and lines like those are floating heavily in my mind now.

Funny, but true... either way... I love you. I love you so very very much. Images of us seem to be flashing in my head as I lay to sleep and I can't help but smile and feel happy, and kept awake by remembering your small hands that I would hold, your eyes that I would look so much into, your warmth when I hugged you, your soft lips, when I kissed you, your smiles when I told you that I love you, my smiles when I heard you say I love you too. The smell of your lotion you would use, your mid length hair and its waviness, and how they would always get in the way when we were making out hahahah. How I would rub skin cream over the scars and spots on your legs, how I would look at your legs and deny it when you called them fat.

You were always more than perfect to me and I am so in love with you, Tze Ni :) I love you.

Now that that's out... trying to get some rest again....

GET LOST!~

OH! I forgot to add!

SHE IS GOING FOR HER FUNDRAISER ‘GET LOST’ THING FOR LSE :D ALL THE BEST. WIN FER ME! XD HAHAHAHA And of course for yourself.

STAY SAFE, AND TRAVEL CLOSELY WITH YOUR PARTNER O_O Move fast, Move quick, Move strategically.

I EXPECT NO LESS THAN FIRST PLACE AND I WANNA SEE PICTURES AFTER THAT K? XD HAHAHAHA GO TZE NI GO. GO PENANG GO. GO ASAM LAKSA GO XD

 

I’ll go spam her FB wall tomorrow when I wake up with some good luck words :D For now this is the private end of things :P

Little girl you amuse me.

More house cleaning again O_o I swear I’m such a clean freak when I start cleaning… if not I’m actually pretty slow and lazy XD hahaha I go all out when I do something… and I swear the time I spend around these chemicals… I’m gonna get chemical poisoning one day –.- lol Not to much from direct contact because I use gloves, but from fumes >.> The smell of Hydrogen Peroxide inhabits my lungs D: But… The stove tops and the benches look so clean because of it @_@ I can’t help it >< hahaha

In an unexpected yet didn’t really catch me off guard move today, she messaged me and told me her address in UK. All she asked apparently was that I don’t pay her surprise visits out of nowhere, though I think it’s a bit too early to worry about that… It’s just November, hardly even December even. That and my intention for getting her address wasn’t for that reason anyway. It’s part of the respect thing and giving space that I don’t feel like I want to thread into her UK end of life guns ablazin’. >.> I don’t particularly do things like that anyway… Well whatever… She seemed alright with giving me her address now, and I’m grateful for it.

Still in a bit of a foul mood, mostly because I tried contacting the courier company today and I got no word whatsoever on the status of my parcel. I really… REALLY… REALLLY HATE COURIER’S PLEASE NOW >< Sigh. They can’t even do a decent job without screwing up, and what the hell is with the operator writing ‘Can you deliver parcel to address’ and driver replying ‘no’ –.- Really? First time around you tried to deliver wasn’t even my fault. You don’t notify me when you’re gonna deliver and I was out in Uni helping out. 2nd time around, you probably knock like a little girl because I didn’t hear ANYTHING at all =_= and then went and left a nice card for me which said PICK UP YOURSELF. Excellent. –.- BLEH.

Anyway, heading out to warehouse tomorrow with Eri to try and get myself some nice/ proper clothing for Europe. I need to get myself some comfortable yet not too bulky jackets, as well as maybe warm pants… My sister said it may be a good idea to move around in nice looking Snowboarding Jackets, a lot of people do it there so I may end up doing that too. Gonna have to visit Ripcurl or Quicksilver and find sizes there so that my sister can somewhat get something appropriate for me :D Oh, that and I gotta get gloves and thick-ish socks too. Gotta remind myself of these things tomorrow o_o hopefully I do.

Amongst other things I gotta plan what my parents are gonna do here as well now that they don’t particularly have a graduation ceremony to attend >< Might end up taking a trip down Great Ocean Road now that we have more time… Might have to consult with friends to see what they think can be done in 1 week. I don’t particularly do that much travel hopping in Australia, it’s kinda lost it’s magic for me already >< though I haven’t visited Gold Coast even the whole time I’ve been here. Bleh. Some other time.

Oh, I forgot to add that I’m probably gonna go travelling to Portugal with my sister :D Before maybe we head back to Germany for a while to get to know the place, then she’ll go with me to Austria for Snowboarding (OMG SO VERY YES JUST SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT I WANNA SQUEEAAALLLL IN EEXXXXXCCCIIITTEEEMMEENNTTT KYYUUU!!!!! x3 Ahahaha!), before I head back to UK for maybe a day or two then fly back to Malaysia from there. Would like to visit her one last time before I head back anyway. Not to mention if she wants to pass anything to her parents as well I can just be a cheap courier o.o Gonna end up visiting her parents anyway… And her grandma.

On that note as well Xuan messaged me on facebook today hahaha language barriers with her being not that great in english makes communications slightly difficult, but we still get by and I just talk to her the ways I know how to. Cute little girl XD hahahaha funnily enough, out of nowhere, she said she’s supporting me in me being together with Tze Ni in the long run >.> hahaha and looks forward to calling me uncle =_= I was threading on so many different levels of lol when I heard that, but it’s cute hahaha and well, not particularly wrong either. I wonder if she knows that we’re broken up though. Unlikely I think… though if her grandma knows I don’t see why Xuan wouldn’t… maybe. I don’t know. Either way gonna pay them a visit as well, should be loads of fun :)

Actually have heaps of things to do plus I want to do house cleaning as well. I should hop to it soon and start doing it beginning with weekend. Trying to save up on some cash and earn some as well for my Eu Trip so that I can at least spend on my own there. I expect to be frugal with my spending anyway and live like a true traveller and not a tourist per se so yeah :D I am really looking forward to that :3

Hmm… Missing her indeed, and it’s been like that the whole day but not letting it get to me, in fact trying to think more positively than anything :) Nothing much can be done now anyway, and so what’s the point of worrying… To some extent and I say some because I don’t totally believe in it, the time when she said ‘if it was meant to be, it was meant to be’ holds itself true. BUT ONLY IF YOU’VE PUT IN YOUR END OF THE EFFORT AND THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO BE DONE. Obviously you cant sit in your little chair and when things don’t work out attribute it to ‘fate’. Nah. Life doesn’t work like that. We are aptly given and gifted based on the efforts we put into something. I believe I’ve done all I can and am doing all I can at this point while not overstepping my bounds with her anyway.

Love knows when to be strong, but it also knows when to pull back and instead let things flow more naturally. :D Can’t always be in your face with love I suppose… and sometimes you just have to give way because it may just be the better option for things to work out. The common folk call it compromise… and also realising that as someone in love, sometimes you can’t have things your way, but the fun part is of course you find that the alternative to it isn’t too bad at all.

Yikes. It’s 4:28 am >< I should totally head off to bed extremely soon… gonna try to be up by 10am, and get myself up and ready o_o So yeah I think I’ll end my blog post here :D

Mwaah *hugs* *nibble and kiss top of hands* I love you Tze Ni :) and yes, I miss holding your right hand with my left… and kissing the top of it while driving :) I love you so much. :D Enjoy the remainder of the day, have a good dinner then have a good and early rest K? :D I love you so much :) *kiss*

 

Hamster signing out and off.

 

P.S. gotta remind my dad to give me details on the return flight too, gotta work backwards in terms of planning so that I can have proper day allocation. That and I have to remember to skype with my sister at 10pm today o_o

Muhammad Yunus + Her? Very Yes :D

I feel pumped an excited, though a little bit irritated. Irritated because of that stupid… Couriers Please parcels business and I hate them so much because I could be using my drive right now, but NO! They are so rude and terrible and have SHITTY SERVICE. God I hate them. I prefer AusPost at this point –_- ‘We pride ourselves on service~ bla bla bla~’ yeah fuck off. Ruining my bloody day –.-

Anyway! Down to the excited part :O I feel really pumped and excited for her, because she ACTUALLY GOT TO MEET MUHAMMAD YUNUS. I know how much she idolises him, and so I think this was more like a dream for her :D and… I don’t know why but I can’t help but get excited about it as well. Sort of like the whole I wonder how Muhammad Yunus is in person, and I’m sure she was jumping in joy and glee when she even managed to take a photo with him :D She’s really a lucky person when it comes down to it, not many people get to meet their idols in their lifetime :) Hope she knows how lucky she is as well hahaha

Sort of remembered that I gave her an economics book and started to wonder if she managed to get him to sign that, though later I realised that ‘Portfolios of the Poor’ wasn’t written by Muhammad Yunus >< BAH! lol. Knowing her she probably brought like Banker to the Poor to get it signed and autographed O_o But yeah. Generally really excited for her :D Is it strange that I get excited for big things that happen in her life? I think it is actually Lol. But I guess I’m allowed to be happy for her and I know she’s damn happy at this point. She’d probably sleep hugging an autographed book by him at this point than with a teddy bear XD

I suppose on the other side of things, she seems to be pretty friendly with one of her friends, Jian Wei? He seems pretty friendly to her as well. Also seems to comment on her statuses ever so often as well. Oh well… Whatever it is, whether he has any emotional attraction to her at all… really isn’t much of what I can do anymore. Rather I don’t really want to care because on that end as well, I know I am a great guy, so there’s no reason for me to feel insecure about anything no? If she decides to get friendly with him and end up developing something for him, I can’t help that, neither should I really be bogged down by it.

I’d like to say things like it’s her loss and things like that, but rather I’ll say that it’s her choice and whatever makes her happy. I don’t think that she’s looking for any relationships anytime soon though, so I doubt that it’s like that with him, though I can’t say the same for him. Who really knows in the end. Oh well, that other dude doesn’t seem to be in UK as well though. Looks like he’s in the states. I think that he’s just an over friendly guy. I think. Besides, she seems to have quite a few guy friends there in LSE and so I think the more reasonable end is that she has just as many guy friends as she does girl friends. It’s just that I am singled out with different treatment =.= but enough about that.

I should get myself cleaned up and start doing other stuff. I’ll need to stop looking so much at her facebook as well. I find that the more I look at it, the more I get so caught up in her world and her business that I forget mine, and it goes all over again where every little thing and step that happens I feel irritable because I’m not in control somewhat >< or at least don’t know the situation and the truth behind it all. Whatevs. This is part and parcel of loving someone so far away.

You hear that? I LOVE YOU. D: I know it’s somewhat self inflicted damage, but I go through so much crap everyday just to be in love with you when I could have decided to cut it off forever! lol. But nah seriously, I do it because I love her and really… I trust her feelings in me so I don’t particularly mind per se as well… Okay maybe I do mind but… not to an uber extent. The things I go through for love. Right down to being ignored by her ; _ ;

It’s strange writing to her in this blog as well. Sometimes I enjoy writing as if I’m talking to her directly, though time and time again I do realise that maybe even none of these messages reach her. I suppose it’s almost like self deception, or a placebo effect that makes me feel… makes me feel as if writing here somehow, my thoughts and emotions reach her there in UK no matter what she’s doing no matter where she is. :)

Life is tough being in love with someone so far… but meh. I’ll suck it up.

Post ends here I think. I wanna wash up and do some other stuff as well as get a bite to eat O_O It’s still middle of the night in UK so to that I say… sweet dreams :) Hamster loves you and is always thinking of you… always. And loves you too. Always. haha :) I always meant it when I told you and whispered in your ears that I love you… so believe in that.

Oh, and later when you wake up, Good Morning and have a Good Day :D It’s Friday! Time to partuh :3 lol.

 

Hamster off and away, needs to go pay bills after he cleans up.

 

P.S. I think… I think after a while I’ll start releasing a few little secrets that she didn’t know about when we were dating… Yeah :D But only on major dates :P So no holding your breath :P hahaha

Future Lovin :)

Hello there again. How are you. Doing well? Had your dinner? feeling good and rested? Yeah. Got a lot of the rage out of me this morning. Truth be told I wasn’t expecting her to message me this morning, and reading her messages again… I suppose depends on how I read them they can sound rude… ><

Okay nvm scratch that, I sound like I’m defending her now, it DID sound a bit rude. Just a bit. Tsk. Whatever… It’s okay >< I’m sure she has a reason to treat me like this anyway. You don’t start treating someone who used to be a boyfriend you loved to bits like this all out of the blue do you? Nop… So I’m pretty sure there are good reasons behind it and whatever it is… should she choose to tell me of course, I’m much forgiving of it. For now I’ll play point fingers and say… O_O WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS. OUTRAGE, BLASHPHEMY!!! *BANG TABLE*

Hahahaha, if I seem just a little high in spirits, blame the sugars. I’ve had two cups of tea which go up to like 1.5 Litres I think O_o And they’re… well I wouldn’t say sugar filled, but it’s milk tea and at the volumes I drink them in… they’re as good as sugar hits >.> Home made though! So not like super unhealthy D: 2nd Cup was Honey Tea too! :x

Okay so anyway, mind out of the gutter… As angry or disapproving as I may be of her behaviour now, I still can’t help smiling looking at the photo of us above my monitor =_= I find myself talking to the photo at times, sometimes asking the her in the photos whether she still loves me, or whether we’re going to be okay, things like that… I know it’s silly and a photo can’t reply me but yeah I do that and it makes me feel better >.> Sometimes I even stand up and kiss her in the photo >< hahaha… Embarassing true private facts.

Yet being here where I am, so far away from her, I can only believe that she is busy and doesn’t want to get into another relationship or something, even with me especially if she knows it won’t work out… Possibilities I rolled in the other day I think I’ll add in another one which I THINK could possibly explain what’s going on… Maybe. I believe she’s treating me like this to make distance between us, to sort of protect her heart as well… She knows somewhat if she’s too nice to me maybe she’ll start missing me again or her feelings for me will grow larger or something >< I don’t know, maybe… Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder… And my heart is yearning for hers :(

I love you… and miss you… and yes it sucks that you’re not here, but what sucks even more is the way you’re treating me lately >< bah. But you know what, I’ll suck it up and see what happens then… Hurts but I don’t have much other choice at the matter… :(

I wonder if crazy stupid love times like these will ever come back… They were fun and good moment… Ahahaha funny thing looking at this picture closely now, it looks like she hasn’t had much sleep xD So much eyebags :x Ahaha… I remember always having to always tell her to take better care of herself… And having to use that skin lotion >< for all her scars and bruises… Sometimes she’d ask me to apply them for her, sometimes I’d insist on doing it… She really can be more than a bit careless and reckless at times… and I hope that she doesn’t stay that way when I’m not around her in UK… Especially since she’s going to be travelling so much and mostly with people I don’t know as well… I hope she takes extra care of herself really… and you know what? She’s only allowed to slack on it JUST A LITTLE, When we get back together as a couple =_= hahaha

It’s a harsh thing to grow up with isn’t it? 19 years old and knowing that someone you love and care for is really so far away from you, not being able to get the little things even… Because of this I sometimes wonder if I had cursed her in this sense… Then again, when I think about it, it’s these experiences and things that will put her ahead of the pack, despite her age. She’s already more mature and awesome than most of the other girls my age group, even older than me! Read my friend in singapore who is 4 years older than me and still act’s like a little girl at times… the comparison between mindsets and age is really different… Hence I believe that Tze Ni is ahead of the pack, almost to my level :P Close maybe hahaha but remember that I consider myself slightly ahead and more matured than the rest in my group as well ><

What I mean by this is not so much of a superiority complex, but rather while the guys my age are mostly looking to have fun and get jobs and work, I’m looking forward… Well… let me just say it… I’m looking more forward to getting married, spending a lifetime with the person whom I love, family… kids even >< And I’m hardly 24 =_= few days over 24 >< Hahaha… Which reminds me of not too long ago when we talked on the phone and… she was talking to me about how she was so afraid to get pregnant, and the WHOLE conversation was about pregnancy, what to do and things like that… It was kinda crazy yet amusing coming from her… I was kinda taken aback that I wasn’t the only one in the zone as well, though I did tell her that it was way too early for her and she should focus on her life and her studies… :) I Wouldn’t want her to drop any of it until she’s ready, not even a career… hahaha…

Come to think of it, as of late I find myself thinking about marriage as well =_= Sigh I’m a weirdo. I ended up talking to Mel about it, since she kinda brought it up, and I was saying things like how I didn’t mind getting married early, just not kids early in life… Marriage is just like certified… housemate anyway… >< with your girlfriend hahaha who has her title changed then to wife or spouse :P In the end that’s mostly the reason why I didn’t mind getting married earlier in life… If you find someone whom you know is the one, is there a reason to wait out for it? What are you indeed waiting for? Okay, maybe if you know her for only like… 6 months… or 1 year or even 1 1/2 then maybe, but if you two have been dating for lets say 2-4 years, then I think the question should have been long on the minds… :)

Actually on this there was an article I read and coincidentally posted on facebook recently as well, which sort of went against the idea of having a man live in with his girlfriend… because the girl would be giving him things a wife would already, without the commitment… I suppose that’s kind of true as well. The story went around of course this lady who dated this guy for 5-7 years, and then he left her for another woman whom he married not long after… the thing is that they were very in love though, so why? The answer was because she didn’t push for marriage herself, where as the new girl actually did… Not saying that the lady should always push for marriage but… That’s the thing isn’t it? It’s nice to know what your partner wants, and you know, build your life around that. You can’t just have one person leading all the time, it takes the fun out of a relationship, it’s a partnership, not a following…

Totally strayed off topic there, ended up writing quite a lot haven’t I >< hahaha Ah… Well… Yeah… I do think a lot about the next phase of my life… love, marriage, stable jobs… kids, house… Things like that… Thing is though, is that I also envelop a lot of these ideas and futures around her… so much that I think if things went sour between us, my whole life and plans would just fall apart… Because I envisioned a future with us so much… Because I love her so much… :)

It’s getting late, it’s like 3:39am. I should get some sleep soon. I have to be up… for… well no particular reason, but I want to be. >< I think I’ll cut it short here, I still have to put the sheets on my quilt and prepare my bed for sleep as well as hang some clothes…

I love you Tze Ni :D Through the thick and the thin, I will always be there, if you ever need someone to talk to even. Even if I can’t be your lover for now, I’m still your friend, one who cares very much about you… So if ever you have anything troubling you, or just want someone to bitch and moan random crap to, I’m always here to listen :) Loves hugs and kisses… :D

Good Night Baby :) I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH :D ahahaha Sweet Dreams… oh but before that, have a good dinner XD hahahaha

 

Hamster off and out.

Treatment.

Morning blog. Pretty crap morning actually. Stupid parcel was supposed to arrive and I somewhat waited for it this morning and when it didn’t come I went down and checked my Mailbox only to see a card left there telling me to pick it up myself =_= freaking ridiculous. Wasting so much money calling the call center too, my phone credits being drained off like water.

Had a dream about her again today, vaguely remember it, but it was supposedly a good dream. Meh… I’m unphased by it at this point. Even if it did mean that she was or has been thinking of me, it’s still just a dream anyway. She also messaged me this morning, finally replying to my messages from before where I was asking her nicely if I could have her address in UK. For some reason unknown to me, it felt as if she was giving me an attitude, and was being somewhat rude about it. Either way she didn’t give it to me, so… whatever.

I really don’t know if I have done something in the process to make her hate me or done something that warrants this kind of treatment but I sure as hell don’t think so. As far as I’m concerned I have always tried to be really nice to her and kind to her as well, and a bit more soft spoken. =_= sigh.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me maybe I’m just frustrated and stressed, who knows, really, who knows. For some reason she DID feel a bit rude this morning though so I don’t know –_- sigh. I hardly have the mood to ask for more at this point. I try to be cheerful and whole hearted with my messages to her but I don’t seem to be getting just about the same back… and I don’t think it really kills anyone to reply or think happy now does it?

Whatever… It’s sort of that pent up emotion you get I suppose when you care about someone. Every single step and move gone wrong seems to be a landmine for emotions. Its true to many aspects. With any other person, I suppose I wouldn’t have mind as much and it doesn’t bug me, but because its her and I love her, it sort of tramples more on my irritable ends. blah.

I suppose the other reason why I’m unhappy is also because we’ve spent about 1 1/2 years together as a couple and now that we’re like this the treatment is like a complete 180. I look at her conversations with her friends on facebook sometimes, and I wonder to myself why can’t she just talk normally like that to me at times? is it really that difficult? is that not how she talks to her friends? so what am I then? most of the time I seem to be getting only ignored or comment walked over so I really don’t know what to think or say. Bleh.

At any rate, her mom wrote to me from NZ as well not long ago, told me that she was in… Rorotua? is that how it’s spelt? yeah I’m pretty sure. Said that herself and uncle was having a good time until that morning itself she messaged me when she dropped the camera into the lake taking a photo of uncle… The camera was doomed to no obvious end, and so she was contemplating getting a camera there and then.

I replied and said that camera’s aren’t really that cheap in NZ, so if she can hold back I’d suggest she get one back in Malaysia… Then again she probably needed a camera for the rest of the trip as well so I don’t know if there was really a choice at the matter. Maybe not. In the end she may have needed to get a camera in NZ for the remainder of the trip.

I assumed though that by then a lot of photos had been taken by the old camera before it took a dip, so I extended to her mom that when I got back to Malaysia in January or so, if she can wait, when I head up to Penang, I’ll take a look at recovering the photos for her, after all it seems like the least that I could do seeing as her parents have done so much for me as well, hospitable being only a small part of it.

After all, computer stuff and gadgetry is something I’m really good at so I think this is really the least I can do, I don’t know if I’d be of much use elsewhere… sigh… though at times I wonder if she’ll hate me for visiting her parents as well not that we’re not together. Don’t get me quite wrong, I do the things I do because I feel indebted to some point, they’re nice people and so are her grandmother and little cousins… Because of that I do enjoy visiting them… I don’t have any particular intention in mind, though I wonder if she may hate me for doing so purely because… well, we’re not together anymore and it may put unnecessary pressure on her ><

WELL, whatever it is I’ll go ahead with it anyway… It’s more personal than it is about her anyway, plus I think if I told her I’m not sure if I’d even get a reply at all, ha. ha. ha. ><

And in the end… This all bugs me because… I’m in love with her. In the end I can’t really deny that as well, because… Well, duh, I don’t do this for just anyone, neither does just anyone get me to blog so much about them day by day twice –_- afternoon and night. Because silly me is still in love with her, and I take all the punishment in the world, because when I see her smiling next to me, all this pain and suffering just seems so trivial and unimportant… Love, you are harsh. Also you’re a bitch. =_=

Anyway, I’ll end the post here. I got a few more things to clean/ tidy up in the house, chores to do and you know… more laundry to be done. I’m a clean freak, so shove off =_= hahaha

Meh, I’ll say it coz I mean it and it’s how I feel anyway. I love you Tze Ni, and seriously, it’s really not that hard to treat me as just a friend as well, rather than a ghost or an ethereal spirit. >< at least I don’t think so. But hey, whatever right? It’s not like I’m in a position to make demands. Pfft. love you.

 

Hamster, in this sort of strange mode of love/ hate, signing off.

Results and findings

Busy whole day going out and setting stuff back up... getting home, with some new cleaning products and went nuts in my kitchen ahahhaha its so much neater and tidier now... then fell asleep when I hit the bed from exhaustion o.o not to mention did a bit of laundry before.

Talked to Mel a bit about feminism and their rights and things like that and how I didn't like society's current stance on women... I blame the media, the propaganda and the people themselves... at a very young age already little girls are brought up more sexualised than they were back when I was younger... sexier more revealing clothing for kids are becoming more widespread, and things like fhm, playboy and all those magazines push out society's perception on what the ideal female must be...

Problem is that for the most part the female magazines and events aren't much better... I don't even like looking at the 'miss' competitions. Really, they're put up on stage in a swimsuit and prized for their bodies even when they give shitty textbook intelligence answers at times... society seems to be converging towards a falloptuous woman who is also sexed up and also an obedient wife as the social norm... something I can't quite agree with. Bleh. Whatever. I love the ladies in my life just the way they are, friends and all, even Tze Ni. I love how she stands up for herself and to some extent I believe in belief wise its what most females should be, strong, and independent, self reliant to a degree, yet loving. Truly to me the mark of a good woman :D

Anyway, moving onto her, haven't thought much about her today as part of the process. Its weird because at times it feels as if she doesn't even exist at all, and I get comfortable with that which is a scary and weird feeling. I seem to worry much less and think less about a lot of things, inherently happier yet discomforted at the same time.

It's a fine line to step and can't go overboard with it. I love her and I want to keep things that way, and having me forget about her whole existance is a dangerous thing. I wonder if to some extent she has stumbled upon this and has taken it in.... scary scary thoughts.

Blogging on my phone again actually, and am lying on the bed now trying to sleep o.o probably should soon. Maybe now.

Good night baby :) I love you. Don't sleep too late yourself okay? Bad for you if you do o.o become panda. I'd still love you no matter what becomes of you but don't mean you can go all out xD ahahhhah

Niteo bloggo hamster off-o. Love kiss kiss

Mobile thoughts.

Mid afternoon blogging... waiting for the tram again not much particularly on my mind. I think that irrespective of the situation now I have still no reason to be depressed over anything.

I think in my current situation now, I'm giving it by best, my full effort at times. If things still don't work out then, if communications between us is still stuck in this awkward zone then there's nothing much I can do about it.

Rather I don't know how much of it anymore is because of being stuck in an akward zone, as much as it is maybe still easier to not reply and move on.

I don't know really, >.> sigh. But I think to many extents she really has somewhat gotten used to it maybe? Then again she wouldn't have called me for my birthday as well would she? Man I really don't know. The puzzle pieces don't seem to add up very well and I'm not too sure what to think at times.

Is it me? Is it her? What is it and what in gods name is going on >< blah. At times I feel like I'm going down the unrequited love path again though I know that this is not true as well as she obviously loved me, at least before.

I suppose I need to tone down this questioning nature of mine a little sometimes. I can't help it though, which is why this area here is my think and rant and thoughts area anyway....

What does it come down to after the dust has settled? Nevermind my feelings, what about hers? Is she not communicating with me as much because its difficult to and she doesn't know how to? Is it because she has gotten used to this distance and has chosen to forget and move on??? Is it because she still has feelings for me and she's afraid that if she communicates more with me these feelings she's been trying to forget and surpress will try and surface again? Does she really not love me or even have any residual feelings for me anymore?

The answers to these questions would definitely make my current choices now easier I will have to say... and she's unlikely to give me any straight answers at this point, only silence for the most part so I kinda have to figure it out by myself as well.

Working on previous sort of observations though... obviously there are more than a few things that lead me to think that she still has feelings for me, more than have feelings for me even. the thing is that while they're relatively strong and mean a lot, I don't know whether I should trust them fully...

Maybe I'm just a bit tired of following my own intuition for the most part... I think I am if I think about it that way. I think I'm starting to seek for some sort of confirmation from her, and when I don't get it I feel frustrated and a little let down.

This may be the same thing hapenning all over again. I think for the moment what I'll do is trust in my own feelings for her, know that I love her, and at the same time try not to think too much about it. I figured the more that I think about it the worse it pretty much is for me...

In fact I find that while loving her, and making her not the sole focus of my day, I get to live and love her a lot better. It will probably have yo br the way I work at this for now.

I love her, but I have to focus on my life a whole lot more, and evidently when I do I feel that our paths will coincide better than me trying to force it out...

Anyway, I think I'll stop the post here. I started this at 11am, on and off blogging and now its 12:56 hahhahaha >< still blogging from my phone...

Yeah. Oh well... love you Tze Ni... :)

Hamster signing off.

Tuition? D:

Time for me to head of to bed, rather way past time for me to head off to bed. I gotta be up at 9:30 in the morning tomorrow, to get to uni and help the guys set everything back the way it was before before the exhibition was held. Yay for manual labour lol :P But nah I enjoy doing it :)

Feeling a lot more… hmm… better now I suppose. Writing the thoughts and worries here always seems to calm me down now that I can’t really talk to her about these things anymore… unless they’re like major major >< Other than that I’m pretty sure she has way better things to do than to spend worrying about my little problems.

Okay, so I’m feeling more than better, I’m feeling good :) I find myself smiling a lot again especially to the thought of us, the memories, and the photos :) No time to be discouraged, I have things to do, and I don’t think she’d enjoy seeing me discouraged all the time anyway :O No, I only have room in my life to be uplifting and future tackling. ;)

Somehow I’m reminded in particular to a certain point when I was supposed to go and pick her up from her tuition place near The Curve, and how I couldn’t find the place =_= Well at least then, found it later hahaha. She was so angry at me for not being able to find it I can still remember feeling frustrated about it, though okay fine, the reason why I couldn’t find it was also attributed to my crapness and a bit of my stubborness. Shut up. haha ><

Little moments like these make my life complete and though they were not particularly good moments, they were usually followed up by really great ones :) Like how after I knew where the place was, I looked forward to sending her and picking her up from tuition, even though it was kind of out of my way. I didn’t mind picking both her and Huey Yuin up and sending them all the way there, because… well, I enjoy the little moments and a car ride with her to me is more than enough to enjoy it :)

Picking her up later was the best though. Only because I knew it was hamster time hahaha, that she got to spend a lot more time with me, and somehow most of the times after tuition she’d miss me a lot or be really hyper and start clinging on to me :p I don’t usually enjoy clingy girls, but… I don’t really care with her, it makes me happy when she is actually… just not with other girls. She bends even my preferences >.> hahaha

Fun times, good times. All our greetings with Rawr! or Miao! or Meek!~ or any other weird sounds we could think of hahaha and how they’d somehow transform themselves into the way we would greet each other. I love this girl :) I love her so much :D And I think I love that somehow I can be myself with her without worrying too much about being strange as well.

Come to think of it she didn’t mind the times when I went crazy in the car, dancing to the music, making weird noises, tapping away, doing all sorts of weird XD hahaha pew pew pew!~ I don’t know I’m just feeling a little hype and hyper now at the same time XD Don’t look at me like that D:

Anyway, I think I gotta hit the sack soon! I can’t stay here and type on but… I’d probably leave with another one of the pictures of both of us that make me happy.

This Pic. Definitely one of my favourites that made me so happy to see it that it was my phone’s wallpaper for AGES xD We were going out for a date and she was wearing the Dorothy Perkins dress that I got her hahaha :D I wonder if she brought it with her to UK O_o Probably won’t see it anytime soon though… It’s like… winter there and she’d be crazy to wear this out in winter >.> then again she IS pretty crazy… =_= but no, don’t do it.

Off I Go! MWAMH MWAH MWAH RAWRRRRR KISSS HUGGSSSS LOVE YOU BABY x3 hahaha :D (I really feel so high for some reason)

 

*EPIC HUGS AND KISSAS!~~* HAMSTER JUMPING INTO BED x3

In Hindsight.

Talked to Melissa not long ago, she seems a bit better now so I somewhat brought to her on the topic of why she thinks that Tze Ni does some of the things which she does… Obviously I tell her the little things and sort of my mini deductions of it and ask her what she thinks and well, yeah get her opinion on things…

By Mel’s way of seeing it, well… Yeah, she still misses me of course, and I suppose because I was the one who somewhat forced her into that decision of the break up that it hasn’t been easy on her as well. I told Mel though that I only did what I did because I thought it would be better for Tze Ni in the UK stretch of things, after all she always seemed so bummed out that I was so far away that I felt this would be good for her… To which Mel said that obviously losing someone you lose isn’t ever a good situation (I can testify to that) and not to mention having at least something there was better than nothing.

Sort of boiled down onto whether I did force it onto her prematurely, before she was even ready to make these kind of decisions then… I suppose that I did now that I think about it… She was new to UK, she was missing her parents, she was missing me, she was trying to get used to the place and thinking about it… I suppose I should have been more understanding about it and given her time to settle down and in… In reflection, I suppose that I was quite impatient… as well as… I don’t know, selfish? that and I suppose I kind of assumed she would settle down quickly >< sigh.

The constant travelling overseas and being away from family for extended periods of time has Jaded me in that sense and I suppose that it made me an insensitive creature when it came to her. I suppose it’s one of those things in hindsight, I would have tried to change completely… And yes, perhaps one of my few only admitted regrets at this point in life. The longer I think about it, the more I ask myself why and what made me so impatient… or insensitive… Was it really not enough to have someone who loved you so much? Did I get greedy? did pride come above me? had I been forcing my expectations on her?

To all those questions above, regrettably… I think I would answer yes to a lot of them… I got greedy and when she left for UK and our contact sort of dipped within a few weeks, it got me frustrated and unhappy… Pride stood before me and told me that I didn’t deserve this treatment, rather than being understanding of what she was going through and being supportive about it. Expectations? yeah of course… The whole, I would have done things differently if I was her, ‘oh if it was me I could do it’ and everything under the bloody sun. In the end I hurt her and I don’t know if it’s something I can forgive myself for…

Sure you may say, that it wasn’t like something really extremely major, but to me it’s bad enough that I did, that for that point in my life when she needed my support and understanding the most, I put myself before her, and honestly and frankly, I feel ashamed of doing that as well.

Having gone through these series of bad times, and seeing as how she has still been there for me one small way or another, even with all this going on, I feel like an asshole to be honest… I feel like someone undeserving of her emotions… and question myself how I could have treated someone who I love so much this way. Sigh. In the end all I can do now is undo the mistakes that I have done, and the way karma would have it, do the same for her, be supportive, be understanding and probably at this point be silent… Since I can’t really ask for much anymore.

It seems like the only ways I can help her or still make her happy is to do the little things behind the scenes like the little bits of donation… or I don’t know… maybe send her some stuff to cheer her up when she’s down… Which reminds me that she still hasn’t replied that Viber message where I asked her for her address… Maybe she doesn’t want me to have it after all, or forgotten… I’m more inclined to say she forgot to reply it rather than say she doesn’t want me to have it, but hey, at this rate I don’t even know myself…

Bah, on a happier note, a technician came over today and fixed my washing machine for me, and it’s working and purring fine now. Apparently a small chip on the board blew up, which makes me wonder if my cousin was responsible for it after all, or just the work of shoddy components… I’m leaning towards the latter.

Anyway, I haven’t heard from her in a while… I do miss her. I propped my copy of the photograph I gave her for her 19th birthday lower, nearer to the top of my screen so that I can see it clearer and more of in my sights :) I really do love her so very very much.

Oh, on that note as well, I talked a little to Sheng and I hear that she may be going with Tze Ni to Morocco in January… Man she really knows how to travel and enjoy without me hahaha, Portugal, Skii Trips, Morocco… I suppose in the end I won’t have much opportunity to see her in UK after all. She seems to have her own plans and I’m not sure whether any of them even involve me at this point.

Thinking about it makes me think of how not long ago she was poised to come here for a holiday… and how both of us were so excited about it. In hindsight, I should’ve paid for 1/2 of the flight costs as well. Really, I should have, but somehow for some stupid reason, the idea didn’t hit me until recently. What kind of idiot am I anyway… >< Sigh. At any rate she may be happier with her current plans anyway. She gets to travel to so many more places and apparently for less than it would cost her to come to Australia for a holiday.

Sigh, I love you so much Tze Ni, and I wish, SOMEHOW, I wish that you would have been coming here end of the year instead, and we would spend the time travelling and going and doing all sort of things… as a couple… Or maybe even with me going to UK and you spending that money on trips we would go on as said was supposed to happen because Australia was cancelled… But who am I kidding really. It’s all pretty much over now, and there’s nothing I can do to change that…

It’s funny how I’m brought down from these massive plans and weeks spent with her, to maybe even a day at max just seeing her… Life really knows how to kick you in the knees and hit you hard in the head.

Oh well, I think I’ll end the post here, I wanna prepare some food for my dinner… Probably gonna have her on my mind the whole time but hey… that has always been the case anyway…

 

Love you baby… And sometimes I wonder how different things would have been if I had made better choices and decisions… Sigh. I hope that my shortsightedness or selfishness hasn’t made you love me any less though… The words on how she doesn’t love me anymore because of the distance still ring in my head till this day… Haunting and taunting me at every step… I’ll earn it back one day. I love you Tze Ni.

 

Hamster signing off.

Shorts

Lying in bed trying to sleep thinking to myself... that I should really try and get 500 days of summer to watch again, if only to remind myself of the IKEA scene and how we used to do the same...

I still don't seem to miss her or love her any less... this is mu gift and curse at the same time isn't it... not that I can particularly complain at the same time as well, in the same way I'm happy and sad at the same time.

Pondering again on how much she thinks of me... or how much she would consider us again... I convince myself that the words I heard that day of our breakup mean something, where she asked me if we would ever have a chance of a future again...

On that note though, the additional idea of the conversation then, of just being friends, and how she would call me if she needed someone to talk to or how I could call her if I needed to complain to her about my crappy ex girlfriend.... ahahahah... it almost feels as if it never came true at times.

True to that it sometimes it feels like she tries to have little to do with me at times, though the times she gets involved, she seems to really do so. Odd and strange I suppose.

Oh well... distance sucks. This situation i suppose sucks. Hamster misses you so much and he loves you more than the grains of sands in the desert and the stars in the sky... or the water in the ocean... :) hahahaha....

I should try and get sleep, typing this from my phone isn't helping me do that xD ahahhahah oh well...

Good night Tze Ni... I love you :)

Deductions and Intuition

Had another weird dream today. You know what they say about dreams don’t you? they say that if you dream about someone else, it’s either you’ve been thinking about the other person a lot, or the other person has been thinking about you/ misses you a lot. I start to wonder sometimes why she seems to be really active in my dreamscape as of late, certainly more dreams I’ve ever had about anybody in my lifetime…

The dream itself… from what I remember was very straight forward, and that’s the weird part. It didn’t do anything other than that which is what makes me question it. There was no backdrop from what I remember, only her… She was standing there infront of me, and she sort of came closer and smiled at me and then kissed me… Not like a normal kiss as well, a passionate kiss… I can still feel her soft lips touching mine and the emotions they carried even now after I have woken up…

I miss her yes of course, but time and time again I find myself filling in the blanks on what her emotions of me are, in which in this case is that she misses me or to some extent still cares about me/ loves me… In the past it has been the same as well, with the whole ‘Baby it’s cold outside’, telling me about her ex calling her, whole thing about my graduation, and how she did seem quite worried when she didn’t know what it was about, trying to call me on and on again, and of course my birthday…

While each one of these events tells me a story about her emotions for me and it’s generally positive, sometimes I just don’t want to think and want to be told you know? It’s really difficult to get that these days, and I am just a bit tired of trying to convince myself that she still misses me and loves me at times… Not that it would change my whole overall endeavour, I will still try my best to get her back to me and make her mine once again, but I suppose it makes me just a little… sad that majority of the time I have to push myself forward to do this.

Speaking of birthday’s and calls… She was the first one to call me and wish me for my birthday… the second was Denny… My parents? nah, they didn’t… Dad wished me on an email and then said he’d call me later that day but nothing, and mom…? yeah nothing. Sometimes I’m reminded day by day what my birthdays sort of used to be and why I have grown to dislike my own birthdays, almost to the point of trauma at times… though it’s not really caused by my parents, I won’t get into details on this, it’s a bit too emotional for me right now.

To that I say… I suppose that last year’s birthday really lifted me up, if only for a year. This year wasn’t so bad, seeing as she called me and a few friends wished me (I wonder how many through facebook reminders) but in the end, it isn’t particularly a far cry from the birthday’s I’ve had in the past, and once again on many levels why I don’t celebrate my birthday to the point a lot of others do… I don’t even remember a time when I was gotten a cake by like friends… sigh. Life sucked hard when you were the unpopular one in middle school.

I suppose to many extents she is one of the people apart from my family whom I have met apart from my family who felt like they cared a lot about me and showed it as well. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to let go of her. She’s one of the few people I know who truly and really cares about me, despite how I may have such terrible flaws and problems at times… she still loves me for them and I can’t let someone who loves me for what I am go.

I’m not so much as fighting for her, to be with her anymore, as it is I’m fighting for my life, and my life with her. I don’t know how else to put it. I’m certainly being kicked to the ground at the moment not knowing where I stand in her life anymore, but I don’t know if that’s any reason to give up on her.

I really, do, love her. So why should I give up on her right…? She really means the world to me so I will fight for her… Even if she doesn’t give me cues… Even if she doesn’t want me to. All I have to go by are dreams that tell me something, and actions that speak them… In the end the only thing driving me forward is insight, intuition and memories… I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to take me through this long ride, but I sincerely hope that it is.

I’ve never found someone quite like her in my life, and I’m not prepared to think that girls like her are ten a penny. I don’t think I want to start to either… I know that she’s special to me, and I know at least to some extent that I’m special to her. I think… Yeah… I think that may be just enough to keep me going… so long as I get affirmation of this throughout the way I won’t stop.

I love you baby, sweet dreams :) I wish I could cuddle in bed with you right now hahaha >< for now accept a virtual hug and a virtual kiss to the cheeks :) *hugs and kiss cheeks* and say you love me too :) Mwah…

I gotta get moving, I’m already extremely late for the clean-up, though I helped a lot yesterday so I doubt there’s much more to do today.

 

Hamster, still feeling his own lips remembering hers, signing off and out.

I love you.

 

P.S. Reading through my post yesterday I suppose I need to put clarity into the words as well. Rather I don’t want her to feel like she’s settling with just me and giving up everything else. I want her to feel like she’s done all she’s need to do and explored her life, and wholeheartedly without regrets, chose me… It’s kinda avoiding the situation of feeling as if you were constrained to an option without much or any choice at all, and living through years with that feeling of not having known more.

Makes more sense now that I say it here.

Moral & Emotional Dilemma.

Just got home and it’s been a tiring day to say the least. My phone ran out of bats near the end, was kind of on facebook the whole time or whatsapp-ing so I guess it’s not really surprising… Besides, I think I’m running some pretty heavy software, gotta lighten that up…

Feelings at the moment…? I don’t know. I suppose walking back home today I did a lot of solo thinking as well, from meeting Denny and his friend up for dinner, where we talked a lot about politics and Malaysia and all that jazz. We talked a lot about corruption and how to combat it the opposition and generally quite heavy politics and governing ><

Related? Not quite, though having been thinking a lot about Malaysia has me thinking a lot about her as well. In continuation a little on the ideas of yesterday as well, regarding her being happy and smiling and all that, and maybe a little about the whole holding out business. I mean for me my answer sort of stays the same, I know what I want to do but I suppose I did a little thinking myself on what it would be like on her end.

What it really boils down to is that I’m 24 already. I’m breaking into 25 next year, I’m not a kid anymore by any means… To me, I have dated and I have met all kinds of girls to know what I want and to me, I suppose this is my logical conclusion, coming from a 24 year old if you think about it this way. I’ve found someone whom I can love for the rest of my life, and I can continue loving her if she’d do the same.

Throughout my whole relationship with her, age has never really been an object, at least for me. A few times before though she has brought up ideas like she’s still young and she feels like she’s limiting herself and I suppose that idea in particular bugged me today like no other. The idea that in the end, she’s still 19 going 20 next year.

What I’m trying to say is that while I’d really love for her to stick with me and love only me, in the end I sort of don’t want to feel like I’m constricting her as well from discovering and learning and I don’t know, maybe meeting and dating other guys as stupid as that sounds coming from me. I mean it hurts, but… If she wanted that decision would I stop her? I don’t think so, and I don’t know. She hasn’t had experiences like she has said like I have I suppose… and if she seeks that, knowing her adventurous wants to try everything type, who am I to stop her right? It’s kind of depressing to think about it, but if I consider of course that for somewhat growth and you know… experience it’s a good thing… then… maybe I should silence my heart for a while and just let her flow with this sort of thing.

In a great and all so perfect world, she’d continue loving me all the same and perhaps stayed that way till we met again and could start again but this is a perfect world we’re talking about as well, in short one that doesn’t really exist. Undoubtedly things will happen and change and I suppose curiosity will get even the best of us… I can’t say that I’m any better, though I practice a high level of restraint, mostly because I know I want to love only her and be somewhat feeling loyal to her as well… Call it a more personal thing if you will…

I suppose I should get clear that I’m not writing this out of jealousy for some other guy, it’s really just thoughts that crossed through my mind, solely the idea of… She’s still young, she may want to experience life and love more, who am I to stop her. She’s 19 and I’m 24 this year. So she’s 20 next year but I suppose it doesn’t change anything… She has no obligation to keep loving me and somewhat remain single the whole time.

It’s one thing to say you’re not allowed to date anyone else, as opposed to of course her making the decision herself that she doesn’t want anyone else but myself, and that is in essence the thought process I’m aiming at. I… and this kind of hurts me a lot to say as well, but I, to some extent don’t want to make her feel like she’s limiting herself as well, so if she ever choses to date someone else, I have to whole heartedly let go and just shut my trap from saying of feeling much… If I want her to be happy then that should be the way isn’t it?

I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking too much again, maybe so. On one corner I want her to love only me, on the other I don’t want her to feel restricted or feel like she’s stripped of this experience of dating others like she has mentioned in the past… in which If it was the case I’d want her to do what she thinks is right as well, even if it means dating other guys.

I love her, and that’s kind of why I’m torn in this decision. I love her therefore I don’t want to hold her back from experiencing her life if she feels there’s more to it than me. Of course needlessly said, I’d apply the same laws in which if she ever dated someone else I can’t say that I’d keep reserving myself for her then, but even then, I suppose I’d like for her to somewhat come to this decision herself. I can easily say there’s more to life than being with me, though alternatively there is more than enough in life that can be experienced with me, rather the path we choose to take.

Sigh, I love you Tze Ni… So what in the end am I supposed to do or feel about this kind of mental and emotional predicament…? Sometimes I don’t even know myself. Torn between a moral and emotional justification… So strange that it comes from loving you so much… so much that I think about stuff like this and it makes me hurt. Irony works well don’t it.

Anyway I think I should go rest my head, it’s starting to hurt and I’ve been up and moving around the whole day and am pretty exhausted actually now…

I love you baby, and it’s for this very reason as well I don’t want to hold you down. Do what you feel is right, and even if I may not support it whole heartedly, I will at least try to if I know you’re happy and it’s what you want…

 

Dilemma hamster off.