I need to write. I need to write because I need an outlet to let some of those feelings I have inside me go. Over time I realised once again that it’s just so insufficient to talk to people about it, because I tend to hold back on a lot of things, and not only that, of course I don’t like to be judged for saying them as the shit which I say of course at times can be a bit… incorrect. I thought I could go without blogging, but there’s really that itch that further starts to make itself more of an irritant, and soon enough I find myself needing to write.
Well, let’s start off by saying that I am in Japan now. I’m in Japan and have actually been here for a while, and am leaving in a few days time. Not that much of a big deal to me, but I’ve really been enjoying my time here. Minus things like food and what not, I’ve been enjoying meeting my relatives which I haven’t met in a long time, and just connecting with them again. I especially enjoyed meeting my uncle, Shinsuke who was the one who pretty much set me on this path of game development in the first place, by first introducing me to the Gameboy Pocket hahaha. I got to meet his wife Miho too, which I’ve only managed to see in pictures back then, though I could remember what I said when I first saw them.
“Who’s that pretty girl?” “That’s your uncle’s new wife!”. The mount of shock that ran through my head at the moment of hearing that, as well as the phrases… you lucky bastard hahahaha. He’s about 14 years older than me I think, but he’s quite cool and easy to chat with, and I really do enjoy it. He looks really young still as well hahahaha. I think one of the bigger surprises for me has been meeting their daughter, Tsumugi, or Tsumu-chan. Mannnnn she’s like the cutest little Japanese girl xD albeit she’s 10 now.
I managed to warm up to her a little, and it all started when I was talking to them in Japanese (to which they were very shocked that I could speak VERY good Japanese hehe, even fluently they said), and I told him that it was because of him that I started getting into game development probably, developing my love for games. I then showed them my Showreel that I made early last year of the works that I’ve done, and they were thoroughly impressed by it, though the person who seemed to be the most captivated by it seems to be Tsumu-chan, which I found quite a shocking development. She saw the last game in my showreel, that was Plasma Dimensions, and the first things that she said was “Danmaku”, which means Bullet Hell. She isn’t wrong in that sense, as that game in itself was based off my inspirations from playing a lot of Touhou games, and when I told her that, she got really excited about it, as it turns out that she’s a really big Touhou fan as well! Imagine my shock.
We started talking about our favourite characters a little, then I showed her my little Cirno nendroid that I had on my desk, and she got really excited by that as well, and she told me that she liked Patchouli xD Conversation then flowed into things like anime and what not, to which also to my surprise, she likes quite a few animes that I do, and not only that, she seems to like the darker ones as well, which is quite unexpected from a girl of her age. Anyway, she really seemed interested in talking to me and getting to know me better, and even asked for the link to my Showreel video :o Apparently it was to show it off to her friends, to which I can honestly say that I feel very honoured by that :3
She’s so kiut as well, she calls me Onii-san, has the nicest smile and what not xD I talk about all of this mind you in a non-romantic sense, as perhaps for me, it feels like that cute little sister that I never had that I kinda want and wanna be all protective over as well hahaha. I don’t mind having to take care of her is what I’m saying, perhaps mentor her in the ways of Game Development! xD It seems to be a thing now though where my grand aunt and uncle keeps joking about pairing me up with her in the future, and sometimes they even refer to her as my girlfriend =_=” It’s so weird to think about it, not because she’s a relative (more than 3 degrees of separation, w/e.), but more along the lines that she’s just a 10 year old girl, no matter how adorable she is. Still, I’d like to see if we could get to be more comfortable around each other, then perhaps I can dote on her and treat her as my cute little sister hehehe x3
This whole Japan thing has been kinda interesting as well, as I somehow find myself a bit more… IDK… maybe the best word is susceptible, to things like feeling all warm and squishy inside again, yes, kinda like having a crush on someone and being all butterflies in the stomach hahah. Haven’t really felt like this in a while, but recently, or rather, yesterday that happened to me as I walked along the shopping center Apita that I usually go to with my grand Aunt nowadays, and I saw the cutest girl at the pet store, cutting the hair of one of the dogs there. While waiting for my parents to come by and meet up with me (I was early to the arrangement), I saw her there cutting the hair of one of the dogs.
At first of course, I was there to look at the dog getting a hair cut as I love dogs, but I started to pay a bit more attention to her, and I started to notice things like her hair, and how it would have this nice shade of brown to it, how she would tie it up in a pony tail, or something even like a twin tail kinda thing, and it would look really cute with her. She turned to look at me, and then smiled at me, while I smiled back at her, and continued to sort of look at her cut the hair of that dog. She had the most pretty eyes that had quite a kind look to them when she smiled, and sadly said I couldn’t see much of the rest of her features as she wore a face mask then as she was trimming the hair of the dog off hahahah. She had a very cute outlook though, and occasionally I could swear she would take a peek at me as well, though I wonder whether it’s just because I look really weird or like a pervert or something :\ I clearly didn’t look very Japanese either with the way I dressed, so it’s a bit of an unknown for me lol.
Anyway, yeah… After I went home,I kinda spent the whole night almost thinking about her, and what would happen if I really fell in love with a Japanese girl and how would be work anything out… and of course scared myself and excited myself at the same time. I wouldn’t mind any of that happening, just that I wouldn’t want it to end the same way things ended with me and TZ, especially since a lot of distance is at play here. All in all though, I really feel relieved and happy that I can feel this way over someone again, but perhaps that just comes from that magical feeling of the unknown and not knowing what to expect while thinking about it too much at the same time hahahhaha
I got to see her again today, though I was mostly busy with a lot of other things till I couldn’t really spend much time peeking at her, though I did to some extent, and for some reason, though I was pretty far away and covered by the isles, I could have sworn she looked up and saw me at the same time as well ._. Talk about timing. I probably look like a stalker by now, but she did her hair up in a pony tail today with a few loose bangs moving around and she looked soooo cute D: ._. Maaaan. I am probably gonna end up going there again tomorrow, and though I know almost with a close certainty that probably nothing is ever gonna happen between us (I don’t even know if she’s married already or has a boyfriend or something), I still want to see her at least that few more times, to satiate this crush of mine on her :\
I haven’t had this feeling in me in such a long time that honestly, it feels so god damn foreign right now. It feels as if I’ve never felt this before, yet I know I have. I feel quite restless with a lot of things going through my head, and a lot of the possibilities of what could be making runs as well. Perhaps it may sound stalker-ish and terrible, but I do imagine what it would be like if we dated, the euphoria and fun that would come out of it, the joy of perhaps getting to know her and learning her language that much more… heck, even the idea of hopefully being able to bring her back to Malaysia (I DON’T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT HER, NOT EVEN HER AGE DX)… Yeah, I’m fantasising a lot…. but perhaps this is what happens when you’re struck with this sort of puppy love kind of feeling :\
I don’t think anything would ever come out of it, but I’m being very stupidly hopeful… yeah… I think that’s the best way to describe things now with me. I’m being stupidly hopeful with this whole thing… Still… it makes me happy just thinking that I’ll get to see her again tomorrow, though it may even be the last time I’ll ever get to see her… Life is fleeting like that. You just gotta appreciate the little things. It would be nice if somehow things managed to add up and I managed to at least get to talk to her and get to know her a little and keep in contact though…
For now, it’ll just be a dream.
hamster off and out.
