My semi private facebook. If I had to say anything then that's what this is. Its an irony though. Friends and family don’t always get the utmost personal information that I post here, yet, I let this blog out to the public, for strangers to come and judge me for it. Irony indeed. Then again, chances are that strangers don’t know me anyway, and having judgement pushed in from a stranger can be amusing at times.
So what's the purpose of me coming here now then? worry I guess. I’m worried, and while I may have attained my own personal epiphany, it still doesn’t change that there’s not much I can do with the current situation with me and my girl.
Ahahaha, one of the other funny things is that after I dated her all of my other troubles disappeared and she became… well the topic most of the times of this blog. So what am I worried about then?
In a word, distance. Distance from what I have learnt can do so much, in such a short time. Its scary, it scares me. I feel her drifting away with every passing day at times, with my grasp on her hand slowly slipping out. Its a really scary feeling. Sometimes, I feel like she treats me like a stranger, pushing up a facade to keep this relationship alive till I get back or something.
While on one hand I am happy, and don’t get me wrong, I really am, I can’t shake this horrible feeling of turning into a stranger every time I leave her side to go back to Australia. It hurts because I love her, and it really pains me to see me and her like this. I wish I could be there more often for her. I wish I could be there for her.
I should also maybe mention that it pains me to think that she’s going through all these important events and occasions in her life, and for the most part, I’m not there to celebrate/ commemorate it with her. It pains me that I can never be around for her birthday, because of the nature of my studies. It pains me that I only get to see her on two spans in a year. It pains me every time I read her cards and messages when we were together, and remind myself how much this girl loves me.
Most recently however, It pains me that I can’t be there to attend her prom. After talking to a few people, some say its no big deal, and are shocked that I care so much about prom, another says what’s prom when you can spend an entire lifetime celebrating more awesome occasions. It just… I don’t know how to explain it. It may be small, maybe, but the point is that I don’t want to be there for just the big hooty tooty occasions, I want to be there for the smaller ones as well, if you consider prom small.
Another thing to note as well is… well, the things I’m doing to her. Perhaps I’m spoiled by the media, perhaps I'm thinking too much, but her spending so much money on her prom dress, and me not being able to attend has literarily torn my heart a new one. I can’t even quite imagine her going to the prom without a date, all dressed up, yet… sigh, I don’t even want to think about her going to the prom with someone else. So yeah, I don’t like the situation I’m in. Its painful. Its excruciating. Its just… horrible.
Don’t misunderstand me really. Its not the relationship so much that I'm complaining about, but rather the fact that to some extent, I feel like I’m stripping her of all these opportunities that she’s missing out on now, and giving her more pain and woes to worry about in exchange. Even so, if you ask me to call off the relationship, I really, just can’t do it. I love her too much.
I guess one of the reasons and I’m sure I've stated it before, of this blog, is to materialise my thoughts as well. To know your enemy is 1/2 the battle won right? hahaha.
On a sort of related subject as well, while it makes me happy calling her, it sometimes pains me to hear her on the phone. Her sounding sad and out of it, and when I ask her, she says its nothing. Please, don’t do that to me. I understand that on one hand you don’t want to make me worry about you, but its really doing the opposite. When you tell me nothing I feel like I’m growing distant from you. More and more distant by the day.
I wonder, am I a needy guy? Something which I never thought I was, but maybe I am after all.
Sigh, whatever. For now, I’ll wipe my frown, and push my chin up. All this fight is not for nothing. I believe it to be so. I’ll push all these emotions back in and brick them up for another time, to stand up strong and march forward now, to walk towards that future we dreamed about.
I love you, and for you, I will.
Yellowcard – Shrink the World
If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight,
So that I would find you and me inside.
A life in love, a picture of a place I'm nowhere near.
A bleeding heart, a good head start to anywhere but here.
Just let me out, please let me out, before I turn into
A box of things reminding me how much I'm missing you.
I am missing you.
If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight,
So that I would find
You and me inside.
Of the last good scene, a film that changes things.
Breaks us, makes us sing,
Leaves us wondering.
And through the wall my fist you call and then you always run.
So what's it for, the love and war, it's only fair for some.
You saved the girl you saved the world, Well that's not true it seems.
A lesson learned, speak out of turn,
I bite my tongue it bleeds.
Bite my tongue it bleeds
If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight,
So that I would find
You and me inside.
Of the last good scene, a film that changes things.
Breaks us, makes us sing,
Leaves us wondering.
Are you wondering?
If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight,
So that I would find
You and me inside.
Of the last good scene, a film that changes things.
Breaks us, makes us sing,
Leaves us wondering.
If I could shrink the world tonight.
If I could...
