Sick Sick Sick

Nearly 5am. Woke up from a lot of sleep today. Doing some laptop writing on the bed. Was quite sick today as well, like… vomited and stuff. I think I got food poisoning from the dinner the night before. I don’t think that it was the shared dished, because Denny and the other guys seem to be fine, so I guess it’s just the individual dish which I had. I kinda tasted it on the way up anyway, so possibly that. Maybe. Sucks though that you have flu and food poisoning at the same time :|

Alexis popped over today as well, even though I told her that I was sick. Honestly, I really feel like she’s getting more attached to me than I am to her, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I still hope she remembers that we’re meant to be a fling though. I don’t know. I’m not really in any mental state to be in a relationship right now. I don’t feel like I want to be in one, I don’t feel like I need to be in one. While having someone is nice, I’m just enjoying just chilling and spending some time her and there with them. I’m not that interested with any obligations that may have to come with it… so I hope she understands that.

Man, my head is starting to hurt again. I think I’ll end it here then. I’ll go try and get some more rest and fully recover. Been nearly a week since I have been sick.

 

Hamster off and out.

Guilty… ._.

Today was a pretty interesting day to say the least. I had an outing with Alexis today, and what was supposed to be just a simple case of having her over, tuning up the phone, to make sure that it works well, passing off the laptop and just making out a little after, turned out to be a case of having her over for Christmas Eve dinner, together with the parents. Trust me, it was kinda awkward sauce as well. :< I didn’t expect it or plan for it, and it felt semi on the too soon side I guess.

Still, she dealt with it relatively well, and she was increasingly more lovey dovey with me after the whole thing, which was semi unexpected in that sense. Did I mention that today was the first day that we actually held hands? I know right :| and we’ve already made out before as well. Weird stuff. Holding hands with her was nice though. She was very gentle with holding mine as well, and she kept commenting on how much bigger it was compared to hers. She also kinda played around a little on my hand, which was kinda cute, sweet, and lovey at the same time. I know I’m not supposed to get more attached, but I sort of felt it a little bit more there.

The sad part however, is I think I got her sick as well :< I was, and have been just a little bit under the weather these few days, but for me, it’s nothing particularly serious. I take it in the side, and go on with the rest of my day, and even do things like go to the gym. It’s just that I push myself extra harder I guess. I think though, when sharing the ice cream with her just as I picked her up, she… kinda contracted from me, piling on to what she had before (and she wasn’t feeling on top of the world as well, but she was getting better). Either that or the kiss that we shared after, but who really knows :\ Still… She got down with a pretty nasty fever, even to the point of nearly vomiting… And I feel extremely terrible about it :< The thing is though, even then, she was lying on the couch back at her place (at the time), and she was messaging me, still being as lovey dovey, if not more. :< I feel bad. I feel bad, because it’s probably all my fault, and she still… loves me for it :< and she doesn’t mind it overly much. Well, she doesn’t hate me at least.

:\ I feel bad, but at the same time… I feel happy. I’m not sure what to feel :< Or maybe I just feel tired and sick… Could be that. As in literarily, tired and sick lol ._. I just took paracetamol pills earlier as well, so.. yeah….

I think that’s all for me for now, I should try and get some more rest before it gets too late ><

 

Nites blog.

Politics is messy.

Doing some writing on the laptop, because I’m tired as hell, and I’ve grown quite attached to doing shit on the laptop as well as doing shit on the bed. Feel like sleeping, but also feel like doing some writing before I finish up my day and head off to bed.

Today, I attended Joyce’s and Wilson’s wedding, I started the day with just 2 hours of sleep, before I headed off to Wilson’s house at 7am. Took photographs and shit, and followed them through the entire procession till about 12 in the afternoon. It was quite fun and I was quite happy for them I guess. It was all sweet and shit, and it does make me feel like loving once again, but maybe not that strong of a feeling for me to actually feel a lot of it.

Eyes were all painful as shit, because I stood close to the altar, that had incense burning the whole time, and it was seriously terrible for my eyes, but that was the best location to be in if I wanted to take photos of the couple :\ Oh well. It kinda paid off I guess. I had quite a few nice photos of the whole entire thing. Alexis was there as well, so I had fun taking photos of her doing al the shit as well hahaha.

I got back home, and then took a shower and slept for another additional 4 hours, before heading out again for the second half of things, the dinner procession. This is where things got a little fucked up I guess. See, me and my brother went to the dinner thing, and we both wore nice suits and shit to the event. Just so happened, we got ourselves placed on the tables with all the other relatives, namely the relatives on Wilson’s side of thing. They weren’t friendly at all I tell you. We went in and tried to mingle with them, I tried to break the ice and open conversation and be friendly, and all I got was terrible stares into my soul with dissatisfied faces. I mean, seriously. WTF. Not even a hello, no a hi, not any form of greeting, just stares on us.

It didn’t take long for us to just roam around and find other shit to do instead of staying at the awkward table, and it didn’t really take long for them to replace our seats with more of their relatives anyway. In the end, we were left semi stranded without a table to go back to, and that’s sort of where I stepped up and talked to Wilson and Joyce about the situation, as well as talked to Wilson’s mom and tried to phrase things a little nicer so that we got a different table. In the end, we did, and it wasn’t as bad anymore I guess. People were at least a lot more friendlier and hell, it was way closer to the stage. I can’t really complain about that now can I. Still, the night wasn’t particularly the most enjoyable one I guess. I pretty much did it out of my respect for the both of them, and I didn’t want to leave early either, because that would be just rude. I stuck it out till later in the night,and I feel it was the right thing to do.

I guess the other interesting thing is how Alexis seemed to be a lot more responsive to me as well, through the whole entire thing. It’s nice, even though I actually tried to avoid her and tried to heavily reduce contact with her. After all, she kinda mentioned how her sisters… didn’t really have a good impression of me, just by looking at my from far, and well… her parents seem very judgmental of me as well >_> which is highly terrible, seeing as they jumped to conclusions about things about me, not even having known or seen me in the first place. Hell, the funny part is that they know she has this nice friend who does stuff for her, and they don’t know that it’s me as well, one and the same person :\ I guess it’s okay I guess. I’m taking it slow at the same time, so I’m not particularly worried about needing to be on good terms with all of them… yet :\

Here’s another interesting thing that I’d like to write about, seeing as I haven’t seen it happen in a while. I noticed that Tze Ni hasn’t been reading this blog in ages, and frankly, I’m happy. That losing her laptop of hers while travelling may have just been the very thing that she needed to fully stop reading my blog altogether.It’s a good thing knowing she’s not reading it, though I still get a signal from UK from time to time, I suspect it’s Justin, due to the kinds of access system. Almost positive. Anyway, it’s a good thing. It’s hardly healthy for her to continue reading my blog even though she’s been in a relationship with another for this long already. What has it been, a year? yeah.

Yep. Anyway, I’m off to bed. I’ve done all the writing that I’ve felt like doing for now, so I’m good I guess hahaha.

 

Laters.

Been a While

Doing some blog writing. Haven’t really written in ages, and I’m deciding to do so now because well… I feel like it I guess. I’m writing in from my laptop that has the new SSD installed in it, and it takes hardly 5 second to fully boot into windows. I can’t say that I’m complaining at all hahaha. It’s a pretty fast and nifty machine right now.

Nothing much particularly going on in my life right now I guess. I’m just a little overwhelmed with work and things at times, that I find myself with not much time to do other things… that or my time management just sucks… that or I find myself picking on more things that I can chew on at any given time. I’m tempted to believe that it’s really the latter more than anything else. I have a bit of a habit I guess as far as things go. Oh well. I’m trying to knock it all off slowly.

I’m also really unsure with things with me and Alexis right now. She seems a lot more attached to me right now, and perhaps the way things unfurl, I am probably less drawn to her than she is to me. I feel a little bit bad about it, but as she said herself, it’s really not like we’re in a relationship or anything, so I suppose I don’t really have to feel bad about it. She wanted it to be a fling, and I guess to me that’s what it is. The problem with me of course, is that I really don’t know how to have flings, the closest I’m getting right now is just a pseudo girlfriend. It kinda works I guess.

Oh well. I may just start typing up my shit right now, finishing up this review write up that I was supposed to have written up ages ago. I’m a terrible procrastinator, but at least I feel that by working on my laptop, I’m less inclined to fuck around… I think hahaha.

 

Laters.

 

hamster off and out.

Fun.

WEELLL. That was an interesting night. I sent Alexis home today at a good 9am in the morning, and got home myself at a bout 9:30am. We had breakfast together as well. I still find it hard to believe, but I guess things got intimate last night, but not really what you’re thinking; no, no dirty deeds were done, get your mind out of the gutter haha. It was just… hmmm rather simple things to put it that way I guess. Simple, but nice :)

It started off simple enough I guess, we just sat around the computer, and watched like a few movies, before she asked me if I wanted to get a drink or two, to which I replied, sure, why not. I went and grabbed some downstairs, and pretty much continued to watch the movie while drinking on some whiskey. I guess the whiskey made me a little more bold, and think about it a little bit less. I like that it did though. Once the third movie was over, I kind of jumped on her and initiated to kiss her, this time a proper kiss, not some half kiss haha. We made out for a a while, before I realised that we were falling out of our chairs, so I relocated her to be bed instead, and got under the covers while we were at it, as well as shut the lights.

I gotta say though, that the way she kisses? hahaha, kinda weird and amateurish, but that’s what you’d expect anyway. She was a little bit like a goldfish at times XD A lot of unnecessary massive openness hahahaha. Still, it got quite heated and passionate, and I gotta say that I did enjoy it, especially since it was kinda followed up by slower cuddles while we were hugging each other, tightly as well I should add at some points. It was fun slowly laying kisses on her, as well as slowly kissing her on her nape and her neck. I still like the hugs and the spooning, and her sleeping on my shoulders though. Those were nice moments.

So where does things go from here? to be honest, I don’t really know. While we ARE dating, we’re not in a relationship, so I’m not expecting anything else to happen right now. She’s back in Malacca today, and she’s going to be doing some part timing there before she starts her uni, and so I don’t think I’ll see her as often anymore, though she is coming down this Saturday, and I may be possibly meeting her then, because she needs to send her computer in for servicing, and just so happens that I need to collect a motherboard that has just been done servicing.

Well, I know I do like her, but I’m not sure how things will go from here. As of such, I’m trying not to get into anything too serious as well I guess. I’ll take this as it was intended to be, just a fling for now. I don’t believe that it should be anything beyond that for the time being. Still, it makes me a happy chappy.

 

hamster off and out.

Feelings.

Launched my own personal site yesterday. Or was it the day before. I’m quite excited about it, as it could present me with new opportunities as far as jobs and things I could do goes. It also gives me a rather rare opportunity to test all sorts of devices and things tech, and that’s basically something that I really fancy at this point in time. I don’t know how well it’ll take off or how it’ll be received though.

That’s not the real reason why I’m writing in though. I’m writing in because one way or another, I’m feeling like crap right now, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’ve grown way too attached to Alexis, perhaps more than I should be, given that I know what’s going to come in terms of the both of us. Under no real circumstance do I see the both of us really working out. It’s a fling of sorts, I know. I know that even if there was that smidgen of something, that it’ll be TZ all over again, with her heading off to study elsewhere, and I would be a fool to repeat the mistakes of the past. Still, it doesn’t make the hurt any much less I guess.

It does pain me to know that I won’t be able to freely see her anymore, it pains me that there will be distance between us, oh boy it pains me. I know I shouldn’t fall for her, but one way or another, I feel that I really have already. I feel that I have, and the moments when she’s away seem to be the moments where I realise things like this. She’s out clubbing with her friends now, normal by any means, and where it wasn’t something I ever worried about before, it’s really something that’s driving me somewhat insane now and weighing in heavy in my heart. I’ve been perfectly fine before with her going out solo with other guys, because I know that I don’t own her anyway, and I don’t really have much intention to do so right now, but deep down there’s this driving passion of wanting to.

She’s kind of tomboy in that sense, that she spends a lot of time with other guys, though they mean nothing to her romantically. For that matter, I’m one of the only guys she treats romantically, such that she makes an effort to dress up when she goes out with me, it instantly somewhat becomes a date and not to mention that she doesn’t really mind spending time with me, even up till late nights, and also me kissing her, so I mean, if we weight up all the points, then sure, there’s really nothing to worry or bother about. Why should there be anyway, she’s not even my girlfriend to begin with, right?

She’s not even the usual girl that I would go after tbh. She just so happened to be a girl I enjoyed hanging around with, because okay fine, I found her just that little bit cute, but I never intended it to be anything more than that, I never even imagined it as such. As the days pass by though, I find myself seeing her more and more pretty than how I originally saw her, and I think that’s eating into me a little, that slow realisation that I’m falling for her, despite so much of her going against the mantra of perhaps what I find attractive in a girl. There’s so much of those flaws that I would usually nit pick and just not give much of a second chance on a usual basis, but I don’t really find myself doing any of that this time around. It worries me a little. It worries me maybe because I don’t want to fall in love again, at least not like this, into this sort of situation once more.

Of course, no one can say if it really will lead itself into that sort of conclusion, but I mean, if there’s ever a time to take lessons from past relevant experiences, then now would definitely be the time. I don’t see much of a future between us, at least not now. The issue is of course, with me at the moment, not knowing how to deal with it, and perhaps even allowing myself to fall in love with her, something that maybe I should not have allowed to happen.

I hear that her dad wants to treat me to dinner as well. I mean, it could very well be nothing, but it’s definitely something that strikes me just a little bit as funny. Sure, I met her dad and I shot weapons with him, but I did it not so much because I wanted to meet her dad (To one point, yes, because of all the rumours on how scary he is. He’s pretty cool though), but rather because I wanted to fire off firearms once more, something that I have not really done for a long time now. He seemed really cool with me, and even when I then offered to pay for the bullets that I used, he said that it was fine, and all I needed to do was to take his daughter out for dinner. Such an odd request from a dad to be honest. I was told that her dad thinks that I do like her, and well, he isn’t exactly wrong in that remark. I do.

I guess it’s just strange that her dad wants to see me and have dinner with me, just because I helped him get a battery for his laptop which… is actually me doing the things that I can to help people, because I know how to do it. Okay, maybe a little bit because it’s her dad, but not really much other leverage there.

Oh well. I’m trying to take things one at a time I guess. I’m quite jam packed with work these few days that I just don’t have the time to do a lot of the things that I usually do. It’s the irony where I usually find myself very free, yet these days, I don’t even have the time to do the simplest of things. Blah.

Actually, I don’t know if she really went clubbing “today”, since today is Thursday, and from what I can remember, I think it was Friday. Meh. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW OKAY DX all I know is that right now I miss her ass, and I want to talk to her, even if it’s for a while, and about the stupidest of shit. IDK. DON’T ASK. I’M LOST INTERNALLY AS WELL ><

 

Hamster off and out.

(P.S. It feels to long blog again after a long long time. yes.)

Finally.

Those were the words that Alexis said after I kissed her for the first time. I was king of aiming for the lips, but it kinda offsetted and went to the cheeks a little. Given that it’s 6:25am now, and she was over all this time until now, forgive me for having such terrible aim then.

Also, finally probably because this was probably the first time in a while that I felt it was okay to kiss her, that I wasn’t just seeing her because I missed being in a relationship, or it had anything to do with my ex. Nope, I did it because I knew that I did downright like her. To me then, the move was only logical. Although I flustered and panicked a little, I sort of knew that she liked me anyway. Each time she met me she would dress up really nicely, and not to mention that she wouldn’t really get mad at me, even though she would have every reason to do so.

I just really wanted to make sure I was ready for all of it, and gave myself ample time to think about it and understand what everything I do entails, running the simulation in my head over and over again, to make sure that I’m doing something that I wouldn’t regret. I don’t. The fact that she’s 7 years younger than me has sort of slipped my head as well. It still disturbs me sometimes to think that she’s my brother’s age, but I don’t bother about it that much this time around.

Despite all of that though, I will put it out there that we’re not in a relationship, and I don’t know if we will ever be in one. Circumstances has just lined it up as such. Still. I don’t feel that it was a mistake to do so. I really do like her, and I think what I did was only just natural then. Whatever comes next… I’ll just take it slowly and see what happens.

We all know what happened when I started to move too fast anyway.

 

 

hamster off and out.

7K poorer… kinda.

Tired tired tired. I just enrolled myself into True Fitness for 3 years. Poor poor poor. I just got myself a Personal Trainer for 39 sessions + 6 free as well :| I think it’s worth it. Startling revelation as well, I found out that I have a terrible 25% of fat in my body D: It takes up an approximate 20 kg just by itself :| Non fat, I weight about 67, but that’s just being silly. There’s no way you can reach a 0% fat count. The trainer said himself that my Target weight should be about 75, with myself bulked up by then.

I guess I don’t feel to bad about it. I’m really committed to doing this. I put down about 4k just for my enrolment for 3 years, and an additional 3.5 for my Personal trainer. That’s a lot of money, but I think it’s a good investment given it’s my first salary that I’m getting. For my first salary to go into my personal betterment? I think that’s more than a good thing. He’s guiding me into the best ways into getting better and fitter, as well as pointing out the things which I did wrong before as well. A good thing by any means. If all goes well, he said that I could get a physique similar to that of Jason Statham hahaha. I hope XD I doubt it will happen, but one can hope right? XD

Yeah. My next session is on Wednesday, but I’ve got a lot of work to do before that. I’m really behind on everything, and it doesn’t help that I’m a bit slacker as far as things go. I’ve got to present to Samsung this coming Friday, so that doesn’t particularly calm my nerves very well, given that I haven’t even started work yet. I’m confident in my working speed, but the question of whether it’ll be enough to show still lingers on the top of my head. I won’t get away with just a slap on the wrist if it’s not up to par, but then again, I’m showing off a draft build, and not a final build, so I could possibly get away with a lot. If I’m there to talk and explain the project with them, I’m sure they can understand the scale of things as well, and why it would take long, given that I’m one guy working alone on something this massive.

Yeah. I hope everything turns out okay. I still have a mobile phone report to write up as well, which I’m thinking I’ll just finish it tomorrow morning. I feel sleepy, and may take an early night. This gym may be that chance to get back at a healthier lifestyle. Yes. I can see this as a good thing. And when I’m all hot and sexy face, I can gladly flaunt the sexy. HAH!

XD Alright, that’s all for now. I’m off. Nights.

 

hamster off and out.

Laptop is an Anti-Procastination tool

Doing just a little bog posting from my laptop right now. I’m finding that I can’t really work on my desktop, for whatever reason, so as such, I’m actually on the same table as my desktop, except that of course I’m looking into my laptop screen and typing into my laptop. Just too much distractions and too much fun stuffs on my desktop. Ain’t that the truth. Gave my laptop a new coat of thermals, so that it runs a bit cooler, and so far, it is as well. Good stuff.

Not much been going on these few days, except that I’ve been kinda slacker lately, and I know I shouldn’t given the amount of work I still have to have done by the end of the week, or at least by the end of two weeks time. It’s not a small amount, and people are hoping on my progress as an expert in the field, and having raised their expectations as such. I even picked up this side thing as a mobile phone reviewer, and currently I’m in the midst of finishing up a mobile phone review, and writing up a full review for it, to which I’m going to be publishing in my own website which I’ll be setting up as well for these things. They’re giving me a pay to go with it, and they’re willing to send over devices for free if I attract a lot of sales for them, so that’s always a fun thing.

People on Youtube as well seem to really like my style of review, and I’ve got some even asking me when I’m going to be doing my next review, as well as what device I will be reviewing. Very interesting in that sense I guess, and this could be a big thing for me, given that I of course really enjoy the reviewing of these mobile phones. I could be the next Paul Tan of Mobile Phones in Malaysia lol, at least that’s what my dad thinks, as well as what he’s been pushing me towards.

Yeah. I don’t know how it’ll all play out, but hey, I’m hoping for the best. After last blog’s semi explosion as well, I’ve become a lot more tolerant, so I’m actually quite chill with that aunt’s antics as well, especially since she left, and ESPECIALLY since the other day her iPad froze when she was gonna show us some stuff, and I was all like : D WELL. I THINK SOMEONE’S IPAD IS FROZEN : D

“Nah, It’s probably updating the software now”
Sure it is friend : D Sure it is. I know a crash when I see one. Pfft Apples don’t crash. What hokum

The best part is how the karma hit her herself, and all that I needed to do was just watch it burn to the ground.. and just whiff in the satisfaction in the air… MMPHHH!!! XD

Okay, I think I really need to clean up and get going. I’ve been waking up wayyyy too late these days to get anything done, and true enough, nothing gets done. Hate my routine man. I get so distracted so easily sometimes… Especially with the competitive Pokemon battles with friends these days ._. DAT 2 v 2 IS INTENSE YO. DON’T JUDGE ME DX

 

Hamster off nado ut

RAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEEE

Haven’t had much time to write in. Haven’t had much time to do anything. As much as I like having relatives over, they take up a lot of my time which I don’t have a lot of at the moment, from the things that I want/ need to do. It’s very frustrating, and every little bit of me right now just wants to ignore them and just go about my own Business. They’re all the way from Japan after all.

And oh, apparently a new relative I just met is staying over at my place now.

I dislike her. I mean, I SERIOUSLY dislike her. Sorry for saying this, but she’s every bit a stereotypical Singaporean, but worse. She’s worse than all my other Singaporean friends, who are quite nice people. The worst part is that she’s a relative. She came in, and after talking to her for a bit, she started going on on how she’s hip with IT and things like that. She also got herself the new iPhone 5S, and not just that, in Gold and in 64GB, pretty much the most expensive combination you can get. She says how Singaporeans can just buy a new phone every other weekend, and that iPhones are pretty much the only phones anyone should use.

I say that in the sense, that she starts PREACHING THE SHIT out of me, on something I feel she knows very little about, yet is so opinionated about.

IPHONES ARE SO EASY TO USE, COMPARED TO SAMSUNGS AND ANDROIDS. THEY' ALWAYS LAG, AND WHEN THEY GET A SOFTWARE UPDATE, THEY LAG SOME MORE.

…that’s not true, in fact Android software is actually tuning itself to get lighter, though admittedly the first iterations of Android were terrible, we’re at a stage where they’re pretty good now, and not to mention it was Apple’s latest software update that caused quite a stir, and not just this update as well, but the past big one, because users of older phones, mysteriously find their phones unusably slow and difficult to use, when nothing new has been added in terms of functionality.

NAP NAP NAP, WELL, SAMSUNG, YOU HAVE TO UPDATE MANUALLY LA. YOU HAVE TO HOOK IT TO THE COMPUTER AND THEN DOWNLOAD IT MANUALLY, SO MAH FAN

Well, given that it’s usually very uncommon that it happens, and it’s really not that big of a deal (I feel at least), it’s okay, but of course, not perfect.

SAMSUNG ALSO AH, TO UPDATE THE FIRMWARE, YOU NEED TO PAY MONEY! WITH APPLE, IT’S FREE

What the fuck. Where the hell did you get that from. You have never needed to pay for Android updates, EVER.

YA YA, THEY’RE FREE, BUT IPHONES UPDATE THEMSELVES OVER THE INTERNET WITHOUT THE NEED OF A COMPUTER, AND IT’S INTERNET IS FASTER!!!

What the fuck is going on here. You just went back entirely on what you said, and you’re spouting things which generally don’t make sense, or are just so shallow, vacuous and vague. What the fuck.

That’s basically what I dealt with tonight, in a nutshell. Let me tell you that no amount of whiskey I was drinking then, was enough to null out the STUPID that was coming out of her mouth. And it’s really okay to be stupid, or not know as much, but DAMN SHE WAS OBNOXIOUS ABOUT IT. OBNOXIOUS BECAUSE HER RICH HUSBAND WOULD BUY HER A NEW PHONE EVERY WEEK, AND THEY BUY PHONES JUST TO PLAY AND DUMP EVERY WEEK OR SO. why? BECAUSE SINGAPOREANS CAN? what the FUCK? That’s not even RIGHT. That mentality is FUCKED UP MAN.

She’s like my mom’s age, she’s got two kids, the oldest one is 23, and she appeared in my house, with what looked like Clubbing make up and a clubbing dress, and she’s asking my brother where to go clubbing in Malaysia? WTF? Apparently she does her own thing and her husband does his own thing as well? What the fuck! That’s kinda fucked up if you ask me >< FUCK. I REALLY DON’T LIKE HER. It feels like she goes around sleeping with men and doing stuff with them, because she’s still caught in this clubbing thing and refused to grow up. I’m not even joking with that. She was somewhat bragging on how men would hit on her and shit like that. FARK. MAYBE I DON’T KNOW HER THAT WELL, BUT SHE HAS TERRIBLE FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

The best part is that I have no time for a lot of this shit right now, even with my Jap relatives over, and now my parents are ditching me with this relative, expecting me to spend time with her, and foregoing my own shit, while at the same time asking if I’ve got my shit done.

NO, I DO NOT HAVE MY SHIT DONE, BECAUSE YOU KEEP TAKING UP MY FUCKING TIME LIKE THIS. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO THAT I CAN DO MY OWN SHIT, I’M ACTUALLY FUCKING BUSY WITH A LOT OF THINGS TO DO, AND I GET CAUGHT UP IN MY OWN LIFE STYLE AS WELL. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SPEND TIME AS WELL WITH AN AUNTIE WHICH EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HER SEEMS TO PISS ME THE FUCK OFF! FUCK.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. Fuck. fuck.

I don’t know. I’m stressed. I don’t like socialising when I have shitload of things to do, and worst of all, I hate being FORCED to socialise when I don’t want to. When I DON’T socialise the way they want me to as well, I get fucking labelled as a recluse or something, or some fucking video game addict. DO YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I PLAYED GAMES TILL LATE NIGHT? She just seems to be anti whatever I’m doing. She dislikes me using the computer, when my work lies within in, and I like doing my work. Her IDEA for happiness for me is retiring rich because my job apparently sucks in her view. What if I don’t want to. What if I like doing what I do, and I don’t give a SHIT what you say about it. Deep down, I know you don’t liike it, and you wish I was some engineer and shit like that, and I’m here to say to you, DEAL WITH IT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY JOB, I LIKE DOING IT, AND I GET PAID TO DO IT. I’M GETTING PAID WELL TO DO IT AS WELL. SO PLEASE. SHUT THE FUCK UP. GOD.

Maybe I’ve just got so much pent up frustration and stress welled up inside of me. No matter how much I seem to shout or scream, it seems to always be there. I find that going out with someone I like tends to quell it by quite a bit, Alexis in this case, but she herself is a case for one of my griefs at times, on how wtf she can be. I don’t even know if I want to do any of this anymore, yet at the same time, she’s the only thing left that I have that can really elevate this stress, short of moving out of the house, which will probably happen in the next few weeks, at least a place for me to chill and work at for a while.

I’m just a bit stressed out. More than a bit stressed out. I feel that life in Malaysia, with all it’s comforts, is still not better than my life in Australia, which although was more ‘poor’ and humble, in the things that I could do, eat, experience… I really loved and enjoyed. Living alone and thriving. Away from parents and away from the stupid things that really take up my time. When it takes up my time, it’s because I want it to. I don’t know anymore. I’m just. Fucking. Stressed.

I’m contemplating going back to Australia for a Masters after this job stint in a year. An IT degree may help me get this PR I’ve been wanting.

Sigh. fuck.

 

Stressed hamster off nad out.

(unexpected explosive long post)

Busy.

Bloody busy. I haven’t really found the time to really write in these few days. A lot have been going on as well, and it’s been very time consuming. For starters, got into a semi squabble with mom few days back, that made her cry. Why? Because I asked about moving out of the house to at least my own place. After a lot of talk about it, and reasoning, she started to say, “Why can’t you be like my friend’s children, where they get married and even with kids, and live with their parents”.

I’m sorry, but that is just… I don’t know. If it happens, it happens, but I wouldn’t outwardly make it happen. In the off chance I get married anytime soon, and I’m only bloody 25 now, and really, staying with parents past marriage is just sad. I know that mom wants to spend more time with me etc etc, but I really… am not up to such an idea. I think they’ve been holding on to me quite tightly over the past few years, after I came back from Melbourne, and I think that I really dislike it. I really enjoy living alone, without being bolstered by anyone.

Got myself my first paycheck the other day as well. A nice sum of 6k for 1 and a half months of ‘work’. I put them in quotes, because honestly, not much work was done, because they kept flip flopping as well on the idea and I couldn’t get much done because of that. Also, because I got a bit lazy, but shh. None of that here. Got myself the Note 3 with that money, and to my horror, my unit came with physical damage on the volume rocker, and I didn’t really check the unit when I got it >< Can’t exactly bring it for an exchange, or refund either, because now they can just claim that I did the damages myself. I even called them up and told them about it, and they’re like… Well, we can’t do anything for you, you didn’t notice it when we opened it :| Fuark. =_=

Aside from that… Company is throwing me more jobs, so I’m kinda semi swamped at the moment, with timelines and shit on my back >.> They’re not hard jobs per se, but just irritating ones at this point I guess. Sigh.

Oh, and I’m considering going back to Melbourne after this 1 year in this company, to pursue my Masters in IT or what not. I feel that my current knowledge so far is kinda lacking, and yes, I know that this is just a piece of paper that doesn’t really teach me anything, but at least it somewhat puts me at ease… in a psychological sense. :\ That and I’m hoping that it gives me that extra shot at an Australian PR. I’m really unsure if I want to stay in Malaysia at this point. I know parents are here, but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel or seem right anymore @_@ It’s hard to really explain.

But that’s a year from now, and that’s subject to change. This is it for now I guess. I’ll live with what I have.

 

hamster off and out.

Hot mess

Just a bit of writing before I do anything I guess. currently watching a bit of the walking dead and stuff, just little things I guess. I just got back from dinner with denny and the guys, and talked to Denny a little as well about our trip to Japan that will probably be happening.... kinda. At least I'd hope so.

Talked to Denny a little as well about his whole Japan reasoning thing, mainly, it's got a lot more to do with girl problems I guess. I mean, he has his share of problems that he's having, and I am as well, and well... I guess I've been thinking a lot about them recently as well

I don't know. Even if you asked me now, I don't know how much of a good answer I can give you about what I'm feeling. I'm quite convoluted and all over the place at the moment I guess. I'm not sure about how I feel about anything. I'm not sure if anything would ever come off between me and Alexis, I'm definitely sure I don't feel anything for my ex anymore, and I have no bloody idea whether I want to get into a relationship again anytime soon, I don't know what kind of girl I like anymore, I don't know whether I want to settle down or keep going and finding someone, I don't know if I even want to get married at all.

I really don't know. I like being me and the perks that come with being me and being solo. I get more time to do the things that I want to do, and always wanted to do, and I find that I don't really have that much time for these things even then. I feel that having a relationship would detract from all of this, but at the same time, I feel that it would be nice to have someone. I feel that I want to be alone, but at the same time, I feel like I want somebody there as well, and as much as I want to have somebody, that's not just anybody as well.

I'm hoping that one day I get to stumble across that person and fall hopelessly in love with them, but at the same time, I'm wishing that it doesn't happen, and I'm even taking somewhat steps to make sure that it doesn't, which in particular involves making them hate me for who I am. I want, yet I don't want.

As you can tell, yes, I'm conflicted. I really don't know. There is no straight answer that I can give you right now. This is the reason why my posts as of late have been lacking that life that I've been so used to writing, it's because it's all changing, and I don't really feel that anymore, matter of fact being of course that I really don't know what to feel anymore. I wish I could know exactly what I want right now, and you have no idea just how badly I would love to have it, but as fate would have it, it just doesn't exist.

I feel fulfilled and devoid at the same time. I feel like I'm happy and sad at the same time. Satisfied, yet so hungry for more at the same time. Achieved, yet lacking in so many ways at the same time. It's... I don't know. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. In many ways, I've kind of been pissing off Alexis as well because of that, and I think it has everything to do with this. In a way, I want things to go well between us, but in another way as well, I kind of want us to fall through and fail, with me left alone again.

I'll get back to you as soon as I find myself somewhere within the mess that I am, but I really don't think that that's anytime soon.

It's already a pain dealing with people right now, and for the most part, I just want to be left alone to my own devices.

Yet I don't. Sigh.

hamster off and out.

Needing/ Wanting

Waiting for Chad to get ready. Doing some blogging in the meantime. I was actually meant to write in yesterday, because I somewhat felt like it, and I wanted to transform that feeling at the time into words, but I guess I’ll do it here and now instead. Reason for blogging? met up with Ann yesterday.

I don’t know. Either I’m tired of dating or I just want to get shit done and over with, which is not really a good thing altogether. Doesn’t help that day by day I find myself that much more incompatible with Alexis, and we got into a semi squabble the other day, and I couldn’t be fucked talking to her right now. I’m not really in the mood for anything. Right now, despite how much I may miss love and being loved, I feel like I couldn’t be fucked getting into another relationship, and while just working may not be worth comparing to being loved, it’s something that’s at least consistent and that I can deal with right now. In short, ‘mendokusei’ or it’s such a pain to get into one right now.

Such is so that I actually felt that even though I don’t love Ann like that anymore, I didn’t think it was such a bad idea to get married to her. I’m always looking for these outgoing girls that are so much more exciting and things like that, but at the very same time, I realise that they’re not so much of women as much as they are still immature girls, and I’m not sure if that’s what I need right now. Alexis and TZ are pretty much in these categories. It’s gross stereotyping, but yes, Ann is a lot more of a woman than those two, though perhaps she does have the unfair advantage of being older than them, and even older than me.

It’s not even particularly bad to be single altogether to be honest. I’m not against the idea, though people seem to be against the idea of me being single. Bah. Mom would never let me become single for life though. She calls it being selfish that I don’t want to spend my life with anyone or getting kids, and living by myself. Maybe it is, but I don’t give a fuck right now. I have absolutely no reason to force myself into relationships. That’s just it.

There’s also that trip with Denny to Japan that may happen next year. I’ll try to save up some money beforehand for the travels. He’s pretty much needing me there as a wing man because the girl he really likes will be going there, and this is pretty much his one chance I guess to get things going right with her. She’ll be bringing her friend along as well, and from what I know she’s pretty cute as well, so… Hey. If things go to plan, I’ll be in Japan next year in a 2 guys 2 girls configuration and it’s going to be fun hahaha. I’m actually really open to that idea lol.

I don’t know. If you ask me what I want now, then I’ll tell you that I want to love and be loved. At the same time though, I want to focus on my career and doing stuff that I love, but I don’t want to be bogged down by shit like dating and this somewhat stupid compulsion that I have to do so (my parents are this close to setting me up with their friend’s daughers. please no.) Yeah. Sigh.

Life is stupid like that. I don’t like being bound by all these social conventions and norms anymore. People just don’t let me live the way that I want to live and be happy. No, I’m meant to be “normal” by society’s standards. Fuck that.

 

So yeah. Bleh sauce. Hamster off.

I miss love.

Trains. Trains today. Was riding a lot of the train today on the way back. Why am I mentioning trains so much? There were a lot of couples for some reason today, that I saw on the trains. A lot of them, and watching them kinda struck deep in me. It really did.

I’ll admit it first hand that I miss being in love. I really do. I really miss being in love. I miss interlocking your fingers with that person that you love. I miss feeling their warmth beside you as you cuddle up close to them. I miss just looking into their eyes and just all that matters for you at that moment is that smile, and you just want to see more of it. I really miss that feeling of being in love, and I miss all the things that really come in it.

Now, I know that she reads this blog, so I’m not really here to say something like how I miss her, as much as I really do miss being in love, not even a relationship per se. Even the times when we broke up after, when I was still in love with her, that was still one of the happier things for me, because at least I knew that I loved somebody back then. Nowadays, all I do is I look at these couples. I smile to myself, and can’t really stop looking at them as they enjoy each other’s company, give little pecks and kisses to each other from time to time, and just lean on each other’s shoulders. You know, the simple stuff. I look at them, but at the same time, I wanna look away.

I wanna look away because it reminds me that it’s something that I once had. I wanna look away because I don’t really have someone that I love like that right now. I look away because I know that I can’t really force whatever I have with people right now just to get that as well. It’s something that has to come naturally. Love is something that should never be forced after all. Short of talking to people about it, I just believe in writing in my blog. Partially because I know that there’s still someone who reads this, and having someone read it actually makes me feel that there’s some importance or validity in what I’m feeling, especially if there’s reoccurrence in the action.

So yeah. This is not really a plea to get back in to a relationship. It’s not a plea to say that I miss anybody. It’s not a plea to say that I love anybody. It’s just me going, I miss being in love, and just… being utterly consumed by it. I really miss that feeling.

I’m really not sure when the next time it’ll come again, and it’s a pretty sucky thing to endure, but yeah… I guess it’s just… gonna be here for a while…

Feeling sucks.

 

hamster off and out

POKEMANS!!!

Doing a bit of mobile bloggign rght now, though I'm not particularly blogging mobile for that matter. I'm just typing this in the lab from my phone using a keyboard. I finally caved in a few days go and got myself a 3ds XL and Pokemon X at the same time.

All I have to say about that is damn, that game really is addictive and you can really get hooked on to it really badly. I've been hooked onto it for a few days now, so yeah, the only thing pulling me off is my obligations elsewhere, like pretty much news readings and keeping up with my anime and TV Series (I haven't even started watching the first episode of the Walking Dead for this season as well).

Bah. I've contemplated on getting Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate for the 3ds as well, but I found out that it won't work online unless I get a Wii U as well DX So it's going to be stupid to get the game because I'm pretty much getting it to play with Eri, and post Australia, it'll just sit at home doing nothing except gathering dust, and that's not particularly cool >< such is like I guess.

Apart from that everything has been a bit on the slow front I guess. Nothing these days really seems to be worth reporting anymore. It's just like that I guess. Job is going great, everything is going great. I'm actually find myselllllf being actaully a bit unopinionated these days :| so yeah... That's kinda why I'm not really blogging recently. I've been a lot more calmer I guess... that's one way of saying it hahaha ><

Bah. I'm gonna play some pokemans now XD cya

hamster off and out

It’s you I trust, Not to walk away…

All that I believed is here with me,
All the rules I broke I couldn’t see,
I finally found out,
What it all could mean,
Because I thought that only love could lead me…

Higher than the sun,
Burned from what I’ve done,
Caught between two fires,
And it could never be,
All because of me…

You are my love,
You are my love,
You are my love,
It’s you I trust,
Not to walk away…

The hands of time stop when you’re here with me,
If I could turn them back I do it differently,
I’d show you everything you mean to me,
Because I know that only love will leave me…

Blinded by the sun,
Free from what I’ve done,
Caught between two fires,
And it could never be,
All because of me…

And I'll show you, how to be brave, get everything that you want

I can see the future in your eyes
And i know that it's not over, yeah I know we have tonight
I can see the dream come back alive and I know that it's not over
So hold me close tonight

When your heart stops and there’s no more sound
Every door locked when they shut you out, and the rain keeps on falling
I will catch you when they knock you down
And we will go on we will go until the end
We will go on we will go on until the end

And the stars wont, ever give up, ever give up on us
And I wont let ,anyone say, anyone say we can’t
And I'll show you, how to be brave, get everything that you want
We will never fade

GAH WORK OUT MOAR

Random fact/addon thing:

When I was out with Ann the other day, and I took off my jacket coz it was warm in the restaurant, she seemed quite shocked on how… big I’ve gotten. Big as in buff big. I told her that I haven’t been in the Gym though, for like months, and she seemed to not really believe me :| I also told her that I’m just flubber under the shirt, and she didn’t seem to believe me either. Apparently I look like hotness then? XD

In all seriousness though,I think I should really start losing some weight soon. My frame and body is getting bigger, and it’s really reflecting on my body weight as well ._. it’s crazy. I’m nearly 90, though I’m not even like… bulging ; w ;

 

WHY AM I SO FUCKING HEAVY. DAMN BODY.

Gonna start running again around the house or something ><

Fatty hamster off and out

The feels.

Another day, another blog post. This time, one that I actually feel like doing very much so rather than… you know… just writing for the sake of writing I guess (I feel bad from neglecting my blog at times shush). I went out with an old flame today. Which old flame you say? Ann. Yeah, Ann Nguyen, that vietnamese girl whom which I was actually slightly attracted to at the time I was dating TZ >_> Of course I didn’t tell her much about it, because hey, I knew where I stood in my relationship at the time anyway, and I was not about to do something so stupid as to mess it up.

So you’re probably wondering how it went down. Good, I guess. Good… and I should be happy, but… to be honest, I’m not. I really don’t feel anything for her anymore, and somehow, I’m really not attracted to her anymore, even though we went out on a one on one thing today (one could even call it a date, even though she has a boyfriend? weird shit huh). I call personality incompatibility maybe. She’s…. I don’t know, she’s not really the kind of girl that I look at anymore I guess… I don’t even know whether I really look at girls anymore to be honest. I feel this societal pressure to look at girls, and so I do… somewhat. I’m not saying I’m gay, because I’m not, I just… really like being alone? I guess that makes sense.

There are times when I feel like I want that company, but for the most part, I feel that I just want to really be alone and just… be a bachelor for life. Oddly something that right now in my head, and for the past few months, has been an idea that made me quite… happy. Weird huh.

Anyway, she’s been asking me quite a bit actually on when I was gonna move back to Melbourne, how’s things with my PR application… things like that… I have this feeling that she really wants me around in Melbourne so that she can actually pursue something with me… I guess. I don’t know man. Even with girls, I just feel… bored and uninspired. I really am not feeling it. I don’t really know what to make of it either… blah.

So yeah, most of the day was spent with her, doing Date-y stuff, like going for lunch together, chatting personally, taking walks and travelling, seeing places, and even slow strolls in the park together where we sort of chilled beside a lake, and me teaching her about DSLRs and understanding how to use them… All this normally, flags that would have set my heartstrings flying, especially for a girl that I used to like before. Instead, I find myself with this emptiness and this dissatisfaction in my head, and nothing really happens out of it. What do you want. That’s really all I can give you right now.

I’m not in love with TZ anymore. I’m unsure of my feelings for Alexis, because it’s very fluctuate like, and she’s a bit… restrictive of any feelings that she may have for me, and Ann? I don’t feel anything for her anymore. Do I even love anymore? am I even capable of love anymore? I don’t know. It feels like shit inside me has either died, or I’m really generally uninterested in love already, having sort of tasted what it was like before. No, it doesn’t bother me that I’m a virgin either or that I haven’t made out with any girl since TZ. Yeah. I’m 26 this year and it doesn’t bother me a single bit. Take that societal pressure.

Growing old and dying alone has always been associated with this kind of… sad thing, that no one should really go through it. I really don’t know about that though. I really don’t know. Life’s just… uninspiring right now, and the only thing I really enjoy is my work and what I do, such that I don’t really mind coping myself up in the office and just working my time away. I feel a lot more accomplished and a lot happier at times than when going out on a date… Exception maybe dates with Alexis. I still don’t know about things with her. She’s a lot younger than me, 7 years, but I don’t know… She’s not as cute or as pretty as TZ, she’s got her own thing going on at times, she’s difficult to deal with at times, a lot more temperamental, and she’s a bit blur on the advances at times… and I really don’t know how she feels about me though at times I do suspect that she likes me to. Everything is just that unknown, and even if I do know the answers, I’m not guaranteed that happiness either.

Meh. I really don’t know. I’m just… Kinda meh I guess… Inspire me. Really. Inspire me. The people I meet around me and the things I see and read don’t inspire me anymore, and I’m finding myself growing detached from the world day by day. Yet… Do I care?

No, not really. I can be a hermit for all I care.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Another two weeks at Eris

Just a little bit more blogging squeezed in to my day. I’m actually at Eri’s house right now, and will be here for awhile. This is just my second day here, and I’m probably going to end up here for at least 1-2 more weeks. Not that I mind though. There’s plenty of space and solitude around me, so that’s not too bad I guess. It’s certainly a lot more than what I had in Chad’s house at least, and I don’t really have his parents up my neck kinda here lol. The bad thing though is that the internet speed is substantially slower than it should be, so it’s kinda.. :(

Oh well. The good thing about being here as well is that I have more of an opportunity to eat healthier and also to exercise just that little bit more. In fact, I’m already stocked up for the next few days with only fruits and cereals, my usual staple diet when I’m living alone. It’s a lot more healthier than Turkish food all the time, which I will admit, while some are nice, some are not really up my alley either. That and Chad is kind of a lolly person, so we get a lot of chocolates and sweets around the house… yeah… You can somewhat see where that is going lol. At least I have my own choices to make here and no temptation to do otherwise, so I’m happy in that respect xD

I just got my IELTS results yesterday, and will be putting in my application for PR very soon I guess. I don’t know how it’s going to work out, but I guess all that I really can do now is to hope for the best. To be fair though, I don’t really mind if it falls through either, because I’ve got myself quite the comfortable life and job there in Malaysia. That said, it would still be nice to get it though. After all options are nice.

Yeah. Apart from that, I’m just floating a little in my head at the moment. My employers just changed the design of the game, so I can’t exactly continue programming that now, rather I think it’s best to go back to the drawing board and talk/discuss about it before moving on.

Oh well, that’s life. I’m just sitting here doing not much until that’s fully sorted out :|

 

Hamster off and out

Random thoughts

In the lab now. Really bored. My system seems to be acting up kinda. It’s becoming really slow and somewhat unbearable. I have a feeling though, that it really has something to do with the hard drive, as the area that my palm is over, the hard drive area, seems to be heating up quite a bit and it’s becoming rather uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that the culprit is none other than the hard drive, and I suspect that it’s more so to do with the fact that I have a slower toshiba hard drive in here, one that spins at a pathetic 5,400 rpm.

Even as I type now my system seems to be caving in a little, and I’m sincerely hoping that it’s got nothing to do with my processor or what not to be honest. Bah. I don’t know what to do with this laptop for now. I may just try and restart itself to see if it works better :\

In other sort of semi related news, I guess that I am understanding people and you know, human psychology a bit more after getting back to Australia. In a foreign country all alone and with no one else really around you, as in without family around, I realise that there is a craving for… companionship that starts to creep up once again, that makes me crave even stronger to have a girlfriend, something that wasn’t as apparent back then in Malaysia. I guess that’s what being abroad does to you. Maybe that’s what TZ went through when she was in London. In many ways, of course I can’t blame her for what happened. I know that I say a lot of things here, but hey, it’s just me being bitter about everything I guess. I know that the reality is a bit more different than what’s actually going on. I fully understand this.

Regardless, I understand that that’s another part of my life, probably one that has ended already. Meh. I’m just pondering stuff. I’m quite happy where I am now. Pondering and thinking about stuff that’s all. don’t mind me.

Melbourne once again

Consider this part of mobile blogging as well. This is one of the first times that I find myself really capable of opening up my laptop in an airplane, and blogging on it, because it’s fast to start up, and also because it’s light and easy to use :| Normally I don’t really do this, but I’m a bit bored anyway, so I thought I’d give it a bit of a shot hahaha. The time now is 12:13am . I’m on my way to Melbourne for a month, and I’m actually expected to arrive a bit earlier, at about 8:00am (the previous expected arrival time was about 8:20am).

I only have about 11% of battery left on my laptop, but if the internal indicator is anything to go by, this is expected to last me about 30 minute. Pretty good time if I might say so myself. Life has been quite good and fair to me so far. I’m quite happy working with this company that I’m in so far. Sure, I have to work when I’m here in Australia on supposed holiday, but don’t be mistakened, I do enjoy the work that I do, so I don’t really view this as a problem. I’m actually looking forward to the end of next month where I get my largest pay check ever of 6,450 ringgit hahhahah. Quite a huge sum isn’t it. Apart from that, even when I’m back to Malaysia in a month or so, I’m still expected to work from home for an additional 3 more weeks, so I’m really enjoying the working conditions. All I gotta make sure to do then is just to deliver the work that I promise. After all, they’re already giving me so much. I’m still getting those hardware upgrades as well, when we move to the newer office in mid November. I know I didn’t really want to go the corporate route, but I’m really enjoying the job, and it’s a nice feeling knowing that you’re employed and earning, and not just a free-loader in life.

More additional news comes in the form of my car, the Honda Hybrid. The other day, someone rammed me from behind. Sigh. It’s not that major though the damages, though they did end up killing my rear driver side reflector. I did a search online, and pulled out a price quote of 200 ringgit and 50 for the installation fee, and so I charged the dude that much to repair my car. Bringing it today to the service centre, I found out that the official service centre was selling it for bloody 160 ringgit, and I got 15% off as well. :| Oh well, make a bit extra (I was originally planning to charge him about 300 as well, 250 now seems like it was the right amount to charge, though of course I didn’t take into consideration the labour costs to place my bumper back on correctly =_=).

The most exciting part about this arrangement though, is that yours truly will be getting a new car. Why? Because they sold off the Myvi, and me and my brother have been juggling and using the Honda for our daily lives. I don’t really need to say that It’s quite a mess, seeing as we both have our own shit to do. Appointments get missed and people start arriving late. That’s why me and my dad have been moving around looking for a new car, and after a lot of searching and stuff like that, I may just end up with a Lexus as my real car that I choose myself O_O Can you imagine that D: Me a Lexus? WHOOP WHOOP. Such awesome x3. It’s a Lexus CT200H, a hybrid car, that was previously priced at about 200,000 ringgit, but because of Malaysian tax levy on hybrid vehicles (environmental and stuff) and also a 10,000 rebate from Lexus themselves, the car is down to a much more easy to swallow value of 159k. I understand that this is still expensive of course, but consider this. This car used to be way more expensive, and you’re getting quite the premium vehicle at a good price. I went and test drive the car today, and it was quite fun to drive. Well, it’s what you’d expect from a hybrid, but at least it’s a lot more sturdy than say… my Honda (which will now be driven by my brother). Still. I’m happy enough that I got to be actively in the process of choosing the car, and not to mention I get to choose the colour, and also I’m the primary user of the car x3 Oh, did I forget to mention that we may be getting the seat colours in Ivory? * A * SUCH SEXY IN THIS ONE I SWEAR.

On the semi relationship front, or rather I should say lack thereof, even though that much was said and done on that day, Alexis and myself only seem to be growing closer and closer to each other to be honest. She’s showing more and more signs of liking me, while not outwardly saying it, she realises this as well, and projects it towards my way a little. It makes me happy I guess, that even with me leaving to Australia, she told me that she can’t help but feel a little sad and melancholic that I was leaving, even for a month. I don’t know what’s really going to happen to the both of us though. I really don’t know how I feel about her. On one hand, I think I love her, but on others, I don’t think that things are really that simple to really say with such certainty. I mean, she came over to the house the other day, and we watched a movie with each other on the bed, but some how though the opportunity set itself right to make a move on her, I felt that there wasn’t any need to. It may just be me wanting to take things slow, or me not having any feelings at all, though I think that’s kinda not true as well. I clearly have feelings for her, I just don’t know what kind of feelings that’s all I guess.

I’m really looking forward to being in Melbourne again, though I don’t really consider a month’s in Melbourne to be long at all. I’m really missing the Melbourne weather, given that the past few days in Malaysia were bloody fucking hot at close to 32-34 celcius. It’s nice to step into the more reasonable land of 24-9 again hahaha. Of coures, I miss the life there, the scenery there, and the people… But I don’t know, as much as I miss Melbourne and I really like it, I can’t really say that my life in Malaysia is crap as well. In fact, things only seem to be getting better and better for me, as I feel that I have hit some sort of apex in my life and my career. It doesn’t really help though, that my dad starts talking to me about shit like settling down in like… 2-3 years time and shit like that… I don’t know. I feel like it’s still way too early for me, that and I don’t really have anyone like that in my life now (and I would like to presumably know the girl for about 2-3 years before I do anything like pop the question to marry her. Gosh, even that thought now is such a scary one. I wonder how I managed to really think about anything like that before so easily :|

Laptop shut itself off even though it said I had way more battery left lol. Anyway yeah, It’s about 2:12pm now, and I’m back in the Exertion Games lab. I’ll be heading back to Chad’s place now, then later I’ll do another post that recaps what I did and stuff.

 

Laters blog,

hamster off and out

Blog posts from a new laptop

So. What’s up. Once again, I find myself with a new laptop, though this time something that I’m quite happy with and something that I feel is more up to par with what I do and the things that I do. I feel that this machine will be the one that will help take me that distance, and that’s a good thing :D It’s still go quite a long way before truly becoming powerhouse like I really like it, but hey, at least I get that option to get there when I need/ want to :3 It’s all about options after all, and as long as the base is good, I’m pretty  set.

But enough of the laptop for now. Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about… work. Yes, work. I’ve been hired by Captivate for a 1 year contract to work with Samsung :o Yep, I’ll be working under Samsung. Needless to say, I can’t really get into the details of it due to an NDA agreement. Still, the bit that I’m really happy about at least right now is the fact that comparing with my first job that I ever took in Malaysia, that paid me a measly 1.2k, these guys are putting down 4.3 k for my services :3 It’s certainly a much more decent pay than what I was ever getting before, and I’m damn happy about it. XD

The good part is also, if I feel that I need new hardware to help me develop for them, I can just ask and they’ll cover it under company expenses, so that’s always awesome :3 hahaha I’m not planning to abuse it of course, but there are certain things in my mind that I’ve taken quite the interest to, so consider me… intrigued to this deal they’re offering me. I’m planning to upgrade my system to an SSD, and even that they’re willing to cover for me, how awesome is that XD hahahah.

Well, apart from that, the company that I’m actually doing this work for, Samsung, will probably be giving me a brand new phone to play with as well * A * Galaxy Note 3 baby!!! XD Things may actually be looking up for me now, as I have quite the kick ass job that I don’t have to really turn in for (3 days a week, even then, not full day, just a few hours here and there) So yeah, quite a good amount of money to last me for a year while I work on other things (yes, I’ll still have the time to do that, just maybe not in the first few weeks).

Hmm. in regards to the love life situation, things aren’t so bad I guess. I have no idea how, but shit kinda sorted itself out. I’m not asking for much anyway, so if it all works out it’s all so much the better. Lets see how things work out.. I guess. I don’t really want to be too excited about it just yet. :\

Briggs Meyer

ENTJ

Extravert(1%)  iNtuitive(25%)  Thinking(12%)  Judging(1%)

• You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
• You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (25%)
• You have slight preference of Thinking over Feeling (12%)
• You have marginal or no preference of Judging over Perceiving (1%)

I’ll just leave this here.

 

I used to be purely INTP, but over the years I’ve become a bit more of an ENTJ. Interesting isn’t it.

I’ve got shit to say in regards to love live as well, but not now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe then. It’s not as if shit got worse anyway, in fact, shit is kinda better in a weird way.

 

Hamster off and out

Familiar pain.

I uh... I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. It's a feeling I know all too well, and it's a feeling that I know that I myself have just overcome all too recently, from something that took me years to get over.

Heartache.

In particular, heartache, from perhaps the reality of things, and a broken heart. It stings, and I remember this sting all too well. It brings back way too many memories, and brings back way too many emotions. It's painful, yet at the same time, I know that it's undeniable, and I know that it's something I can't really fight as well. After all, it was my fault that I fell for someone way younger than me again, despite knowing what it would all entail.

Long story short, while she does have feelings for me, and while she took a month to decide it, she decided against it, and I think it's a perfectly logical decision as well. It's a decision made from the fact that she's not sure where she's going to end up months from now, and getting into anything now would just be shortlived and a recipe for disaster. God damn it, I know. I KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT ALL LEADS TO OKAY. FUCK.

I don't know how else to write out heartache, pain, disappointment, and most of all, to try and let go of any feelings and to try not to be selfish about me or my own feelings. It's not so much as it is about me after all, as much as it is as well, about her feelings. She knows based on my past what's going to happen, and from there she decided against it. Wise decision by any means. It hurts me like hell, but it's still wise none the less.

It's just that it all sucks you know? it really does. It really sucks to have feelings for someone, no matter how long you've had feelings for, and to just let go like that. I wasn't made for this kind of love. I try to act tough at times, to act confident, to be the person that I want to be, but in the end, inside, I'm still soft as mush, and I'm not sure how much can actually change that. It is a crappy situation to be in, yet I saw it coming a mile away.

Sometimes, I don't really know why I bother to feel or open up anymore. I was perfectly happy being single while it lasted, and I got a bit greedy I guess, and wanted more again. One could say that I satiated for what I had before, but maybe it's just not meant to be, not for me. The last thing I want to do anyway is to drag her down with me, into that state in which I kinda did drag TZ as well. Maybe I'm just doomed to make people suffer if they get into a relationship with me, so they're better off being single or dating other guys. Yeah. That.

So much hurt in my heart right now blog. So much hurt. I'll heal in time once again, but... I'm just really sick of this by now. Just... am. I should go back to being a recluse and  staying / living by myself. Life was so much easier back then.

Yang off.

Keyboard mashing

This is probably mobile blogging at it's finest. I'm currently writing on my phone right now, with a wireless keyboard, that is on my lap. A new wireless keyboard that I just bought though mind you, and it's quite the thrill to write on. A lot of fun. Also, I'm not looking at the keyboard or the screen right now. All this is typed with my eyes closed, lying on the bed, as I sort of internalise and stare into space a little. I'm bound to make mistakes and errors here and there, but I can always go back and review them later. But that's later.

I'm actually quite happy with things between me and Alexis right now. I mean sure, it's not really the relationship that I was looking for, but regardless, I'm quite happy. It's simple and well... slow. Maybe that's what I need right now. Just that shred of innocence once again, and without that need to try and grow up too quickly interms of relationships. A lot of it can come later. What's the rush anyway.

I actually thought at one point that she was avoiding me. It seems though, that I may have just been overthinking things and that things are actually fine. They probably have always been, and it's just been me all this time that has veen thinking too much about thing. I guess.

I'm trying not to worry to much about it. I know that nothing much will come out of it, so I guess I'm attempting to enjoy it just that little bit more before the time comes where we must eventually go our separate ways. Maybe.

I do think of what it's like if lets say, she ended up studying in Australia, and preferably Melbourne. Would things change? How would like proceed when that happens? Would we be an actual couple then? Would the relationship get more serious? All hypothesis, and nothing solid right now. All I can do is wait and find out.

hamsteyr off and out.

P.S. This was more of an exercise in how well I can type on my phone with a wireless keyboard without looking at what I'm typing, as well as enjoying the keyboard, rather than just blogging per se. It was fun xD

One step forward, Two steps back

Mmmmmm… things nearly happened llast night. Nearly. I was out for a date with her, and well, yeah. I guess things are quite close right now :\ Thing is though that even though it’s as such, it doesn’t really make it any less complicated of sorts. I guess it’s because of the understanding that both of us probably won’t have that much time together anyway, and so to do such would be just an exercise in futility, and just being plain silly. Really, I do get it. It still doesn’t quite make it any less sad though.

Once again, I find myself between this rock and a hard place situation, where I actually saw it coming, but obviously chose to ignore it. For all intents and purposes, I don’t really want to behave as if the same thing is bound to happen as well. Nay, I don’t think that that would be very productive for my mental cognitive state. Still, I understand what this all brings about, and I can’t really say I welcome it, but obviously, if it has to be, it has to be right? what good is there in repeatedly denying it or fighting it all the time.

To put long story short, I think that both of us aren’t really looking for anything too serious. She described it as a fling, not the exact word that I would use though. Sounds almost too similar to fuck buddy. I know that she likes me too, if not she wouldn’t agree to going out on all these dates with me, or have no objection to me holding her hand, or really have no objection to me kissing her, not as if these have happened though, just that I have told her about it lol. :|

I did tell her that I really didn’t mind getting into a relationship with her. I assumed of course though, that that’s what she wanted, seeing as that she went on about it with me before on how she did feel like she wanted to be in one, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I think in the end we sort of settled that we’re probably good not being in one, so in a way, yes, I was rejected on that offer of being in a relationship, but she still seemed as if she still wanted to be close to me, and to go out with me, even be in romantic things with me. It’s like a relationship without a relationship. The benefits without the commitment. In the end, it sounds just like friends with benefits.

Okay, maybe not to that extent, but with things approaching the crossroads really soon, I can see why she would feel that this would be the best option, heck, even I was worried about this, and I do feel that this is a good option as well. I mean, I am slightly sad, but at the same time, I know that things like labels and commitment don’t really matter to me right now. There’s more to life to explore beyond that of that with me I guess. There’s that clear understanding that if you did somehow get into one with me, in one way or another, disaster ensues.

Maybe that’s just my fate after all. Sure, what’s the point of getting the girl, if you can’t be with them at all. In the end really all that makes me is just a guy who knows how to get his way around girls (that sounds terrible, but I assure you that there is hardly any exploitation involved), but will always somewhat be alone at this point. I tried going full on out with TZ, didn’t work at all did it.

Idk. I want things with me and A to work out. At the same time, I don’t know how much of a future I see between both of us. Sure I may like her a lot, love her even, but at that very same time, I am highly doubtful of how far we’ll go, if any at all. Maybe it’s really indeed as she says, a fling. Makes me sad to believe it as so, but maybe that’s really how it is.

Man, I just don’t know. In many ways, I’m happy now, but I know, that there’s plenty looming around the corner, much that it’s kinda like cut yourself loose, or brace yourself for the incoming storm. It’s a tough position to be in, especially when you don’t fell like really letting go.

A is a nice girl. She’s got a bit of an issue with self esteem, but she’s still fun to be with. She knows that what we have between us may not last long, and even though she doesn’t really want to get into anything serious as of so far, she doesn’t seem to want to let me just go by as well. She seems to like me very much as well, if not a lot of this would not be happening.

Idk. Tough times. Stupid decisions. What to do even.

 

 

Hamster off and out.

Derp

5:16am. I actually slept at about 10:30 just now. I was so damn tired, and I’m not even sure why, that I just collapsed and slept till about 2am, and here I am, awake, just roaming the corners of the internet till I feel sleepy again, while listening to good music.

Managed to sell off my older Asus laptop today. It’s been with me for a while, and being able to sell it for about 1.1k makes me quite a happy person. It’s like I think over 5 years old, and has served me very well during that time. After I sell off my Sony as well, which is going to be tomorrow, I’m probably gonna get my new laptop on Wednesday, one that I feel can really back me up and the kind of work that I do often.

At the moment, okay, no not really at the moment, but I’m currently working on a project for a friend, where I’m doing some CG and animation for film. It’s not particularly a very long and complex CG, but I feel that it’s good training, at least for something that I like to do as well. I’m trying to do my best in it, and I’m getting paid to do it as well, so that’s always a good thing. I guess if I find myself doing well in it, I wouldn’t mind doing these kind of jobs on the side. They stretch my creative boundaries to a level that I’m quite happy/ comfortable with.

And I forgot to finish this yesterday before I went off to sleep >_> so here’s me completing it the next day at 7:36pm when I realised that I hadn’t posted it yet :| lol

 

Hamster off.

And I know, there was some good in you, you chose to hide it like you had something to prove

I awake,
From the dream,
That sends me right back when I first saw your face.

I look around,
Nothing's as it seems,
Because you're long gone, nothing but a memory,
in my head.

I count the days,
I want to know,
How was it so easy for you to up and let me go?
And I lay still,
In pure defeat,
This war we're waging I'm the one who never could retreat.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
So many things we never said the things we never got to see.
Wait just a minute,
This isn't how it's supposed to end.
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember,
me.

And after everything,
Why does it seem,
Like I'm the one who walks, smile, when I'm wanting to scream?

I hold my breath,
You hold the key,
You never took the time to see what's inside of me.

And I know, I know, I know,
It should get easier,
Yet I still wrestle with the thought of who you really were.

And I know, I know, I know,
There was some good in you;
You chose to hide it like you had something to prove.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be,
I let the best of you slip right in and attach to me.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to end,
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember,
me.

Penang once again.

Doing a bit of mobile blogging now, writing on my mobile phone, using a wireless keyboard that I hooked up to my phone via USB OTG. Technology is Marvelous.

I'm in Penang at the moment, in the condo. We're going to be renting this unit out, so probably the next time that I'll be here, I'll be living in a hotel instead. Good news is that for now, most of life in Penang hasn't got much association with her anymore. I quite like that, because at least that means that I can be at ease when I'm over here. Instead, I find myself thinking a lot more about Alexis to be honest, and I think that's a damn good thing right now.

There were some latent thoughts about Tze Ni today, but they weren't much. In particular, I think the reason why I'm a bit unhappy with her at the moment, is because, I mean come on, if you're gonna replace me with another guy, at least make him quite close or at least similar or matching than me right? at the moment, based on what I've been hearing all over, he's just pretty much a bag of disappointments, and I know, I don't really know him personally, but come on right. Come on. You can do way better than that and him. At the rate you guys are arguing, and the things that you guys do, please. disappointment.

Anyway, enough about that I guess. I got myself into a bit of sake just now, mom ended up buying a freaking 1.8L bottle of sake, and well, yeah, we mopped up close to half of the bottle. During that time, I came to a realisation, that yes, I probably do love Alexis, but there is a lot that's getting in the way of us being together in a relationship, majority of which coming from the fact that I used to be in a long distance relationship, and that didn't turn out too well, so I'm a bit afraid of that right now. I know that at the rate things are going now, we'll probably end up in one if we continue at it, so I don't really know. I don't know.

Apart from that, I know, I clearly know that she's not really the girl that TZ was. She's a bit more different. I know that she's not as pretty, and you know not as much of the same girl as her, but I don't think that really matters right now. Despite what she is, it's not as if she has habits or like traits that drive me crazy or up the wall. The reality of it just stands perhaps that I do love her, maybe not the same way I loved TZ before, but that perhaps stands to change. Even so, I'm not sure how much I welcome that kind of change. I don't know. I do know that I want to keep talking to her and just enjoying my time simply with her though.

Blah. I guess time will take its course, and solve things as it passes. I guess. I hope so.

hamster off and out

Yeah, I still need you, But what good’s that gonna do?

I've been waiting for months
Waiting for years
Waiting for you to change
Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber
There ain't much that's dumber
Than pinning your hopes on a change in another

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

So I been sitting around
Wasting my time
Wondering what you been doing
Aw, and it ain't real forgiving
It ain't real forgiving
Sitting here picturing someone else living

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

I've been hoping for months
Hoping for years
Hoping I might forget
Aw, but it don't get much dumber
It don't get much dumber
Than trying to forget a girl when you love her

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Oh, needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

When?
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
Why not me?
When?
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
Why not me?

Changing dreams.

Writing in because I’m reminded of the dream I had today. A strange dream, that marks perhaps a turning point for many things, and one that perhaps gives me more clarity than the time I spend awake in itself. It’s a nightmare of sorts though so… It’s not as if it’s a pleasant dream :\

The dream… had obviously, me, and Alexis in it. In the dream itself, she told me that she got a boyfriend, and I was quite… sad. Sad enough to try and kick myself a few times to see if it was a dream itself. One of those things where when I awoke from it, I still wondered if it was real or not, or whether I should be sad or not. The thing is though, that I’ve always been apprehensive about being in another relationship, and things with Alexis to me are not that much more different. I do like her, and yes, maybe even love her, but I don’t know about being in a relationship with her. Thing is though that if my dream is any indication then… I don’t want her to go to any other guy either. It’s kinda fucked up like that.

I mean, on the good side, I guess it’s the first dream that I dreamt of someone else aside from TZ, and I suppose it somewhat shows that I have… hmmm developed feelings for someone else. The thing is though that… I believe that somewhere inside, I still have feelings for her, then you couple this with these new feelings, and suddenly you realise you have feelings for two people, obviously one stronger than the other, but both… well, lets just say that both not really a good reason FOR NOW, to get back into a relationship.

I have my reasons.

I like going solo, and it’s a lot more fun =_=

Blah.

Still, I would hate to see her go to another guy. Dilemma.

Commitments.

Haven’t really written in for about a month, so I decided to do some writing in now. Some things have happened here and there, though nothing really notable, or at least makes me feel so. Still, I feel like writing in a little if not to just elevate my mind from these things.

First off, I’ve been somewhat seeing Alexis for a while now,  yeah, and though nothing particularly serious, she has lately expressed her want to be in a relationship, though she knows that it’s not what she needs right now. She went about saying it in a rather round about way, but the message was still there, and yes, I still got the message. Still, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything like that to be honest. I thought I was, but on 2nd and 3rd take, I really don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship yet. For the most part, I’m really enjoying the freedoms of being single and just going out for dates with girls and getting to know them better and things like that. It’s a lot less stressful and with a lot less commitment, and you know, based on that last commitment failure of sorts, I’ve been very apprehensive about things like these now.

I know though, that some part of me likes her, and yes, maybe even love her to some extent. Internally though, I still feel like I want to be alone, as from the most pragmatic of senses, I have come towards this semi realisation that relationships in general, have not really benefitted me as much as they have dragged me down in what I want to do and what I need to do. My friend talks about the good being companionship and the lot, but when I make by alone daily these days, and lately I’ve wanted even more to be alone and left alone, I don’t see how that’s relevant to me right now. The thing is though, is that I know that I’m not young anymore. I know this, and I know that by the time I’m in my later 20’s, that most of my friends would maybe have gotten married and things like that, and maybe my chances of getting married then would have slimmed down substantially. Still, I don’t really give two shits about getting married right now, I don’t give two shits about getting in a relationship, and to be honest, I have no problems whatsoever of being a bachelor, at all.

What once was a dream of settling down early, and having kids, and things like that has been stripped out of me severely. Not that I don’t want to have kids, but I have zero urge to do so, prior to that even getting serious with any girl. That obviously doesn’t quite mean that I go around fooling with girls and playing with them, but I don’t know, I just don’t seek anything right now than just being alone, and occasionally going out with someone. That night when I went out with Alexis and she looked REALLY cute, I had a massive temptation to kiss her and to seal the deal of having her as my girl, but I resisted against it. I resisted against it because it was really feelings of the moment, and to not be able to carry out on these emotions post the night itself would have had disastrous consequences. I don’t want to really play with her like that, neither do I want to get into a relationship with her right now, mostly coz of the fact that I know she’s going to be going overseas to study not long from now. I can’t take another long distance relationship, not right now. I’m battered enough as it is.

Yeah. So that’s sort of on the love life front. To add to that, I’ve been hearing multitudes of stories of things with the T and needless to say, I’m highly amused by them. I don’t need to say anymore, because I know she’s watching somewhere, but I have a brief idea on what’s going on, and colour me intrigued.

On the technology front, the thing with NewEgg didn’t go through. They screwed up on their end, and as such, I cancelled the order and decided to take my money elsewhere. I guess it’s a sign of a lot of things. You know how I got myself a new laptop back then? To be honest, I think it was a terrible decision. A terrible decision that was aided by someone who really has too much money, and was with me back then, Chad. I still facepalm at the thought of WHY I bought that Sony laptop, when I myself wasn’t particularly satisfied with the laptop in itself. For gods sake, even at time of purchase, it had been a discontinued model, that wasn’t even shown on the display counters, yet I got pressured by Chad into getting it. Lame. I’m looking to undoing this mistake, and I’m selling the laptop while it’s still somewhat brand new (severely underused) and I’m looking to proclaim for myself a nice newer laptop that I’m a lot more happier with. I think that’s the way it was meant to be, but right now, I’m not allowing myself to go ahead with buying that laptop,  not until I really sell the old one. I have enough money in my bank to go ahead with any of these purchases, but the point is that I don’t want to have too much redundant things lying around. To add to that, I’m actually taking a lot of what I own here, and bringing them back to Australia to sell them in September.

Oh yes, I’m flying back to Australia in September, albeit only for a month. 23rd till the 24th of October. 1 Month in Australia, to sell these things off (market value is higher there) and not to mention try my best to apply for a PR this time around. To prepare for that, I have enrolled myself to sit for an IELTS exam, that I realised that I needed to have sat for in order to apply for PR, something that I was severely misled on in the beginning, and Aussie prices for IELTS exams were way too crazy for me. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m still a bit unsure about moving back to Australia. For starters, the economy there isn’t doing too well either, mostly on the Games industry side. In comparison, the industry in Malaysia, or because of it’s non-existence there off, is doing much better. Parents are also in Malaysia, and despite how much I may DESPISE staying with my parents (I’m very much a lone wolf), I still worry for their health and safety, especially when I’m so far away from home at times. I just like the option of being able to go back to Australia to work and stay when I can I guess. I hate being limited as it is. Terrible feeling. I also hate being pampered by family. It sucks and it doesn’t aid much in feeling grown up / independent.

Yesterday, I met up with someone who was interested in buying off my brother’s older pair of Shure IEMS (In ear Monitors). Since it was raining quite heavily, and having met him in Low Yat, and I needed to walk to KLCC after, I took up his offer of having lunch with him, and so I sat down and started chatting with him. After a while, it turned out that he himself was a member of the XDA Developers, and so I mentioned that I as well, was part of that community, and that I developed a few applications already in the forum. After naming them, it turns out that he uses those applications, and was really happy to have met me, so much that we started talking a lot more and in detail, and later he insisted on paying for my lunch haha. It’s always a really cool thing, and he seemed quite grateful to me for making this application. He even asked if we could meet up next week so that he could further buy me lunch AND dinner, and give me free drinks in Hard Rock cafe where he works hahaha. Turns out that this apps find themselves helpful in many other ways lol.

Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. Already one of my longer posts in a while.

 

Catch ya later blog.

As though love never came.

I’ve waited here
Between the light and the rain
Hiding in the cracks in the walls
Trying to break my fall
As I lose you again

And you’re gone
As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again
I’ve waited here
Holding on to pieces of the past
But nothing, nothing makes sense any more
I can’t seem to push us back together
I thought we’d be forever
But you’re gone

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again
As though love never came
I guess love always leaves me here
You leave me here

But I run from the shadow
The darkness always hides behinds the sun
I’m still holding on
In silence and the emptiness
The darkness seems to leave when you’re gone
But I’m still holding on
But I’m still holding on

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here
You leave me here

Dreams.

I will write this here because it’s something that I refuse to tell anyone about, yet at the same time, it’s something that I need to just get off my chest about. I write it because It bothers me.

Today, I had a dream about Tze Ni. It was a dream where apparently both of us were going on a very long holiday. Don’t get me wrong, in the dream, I was a very happy person. The strange thing of course in the dream is how she identified herself and the person whom she was now as a different person of sorts, and somehow that made perfect sense to me. Trivialities aside, I was happy. I was happy even right up to the moment that I woke up, and then I woke up and asked myself why in hell would I ever have these kinds of dreams.

I admit to still loving some part of her. She’ll always be my first true love, and that bit still sticks hard with me even today. One way or another, I’ll always have this soft spot for her. I still want to try to love other people though, to try and see if I can get out of this position I’m in, but even recently, other girls don’t seem so attractive anymore. It’s really fucked up to be honest. I’d rather play the solo game again in any other case, rather than making any stupid mistakes that I may regret later.

I know that one way or another, I really still do love her. It’s kinda fucked up like that, but it’s really something that I have to deal with to be honest. I don’t think I’m in the position right now to make any sound decisions about my love life and relationships. Nope, not in any single way. Sigh.

To be honest, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wanted to hug her once more. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I at least would have wanted to kiss her once more, then maybe that way I could have given my goodbyes and farewells slightly better. To harp on any of the above though, is nothing short of suicidal. Things have changed, and things as they are now, don’t allow me to do any of these, and I’m not sure if I really want to either. I’m having conflict of the mind and the heart to no obvious extent.

Sigh. What is this feeling I’m feeling. I don’t really know. Anyway, I’m going out on a date again with Alexis come Friday. I’ve been going out with her relatively often, but nothing has really come off it yet. Still, at least I enjoy myself, and our time together.

 

hamster off and out.