It's been a while since I've written on here. I feel like I say that a lot on this blog, but this time it really does feel that way.
Between the hustle and bustle of moving houses, mom falling ill and needing to be admitted to the hospital for a month and a half, Christine falling ill and needing to be hospitalised for half a month, I myself just falling ill back to back till now and just being extremely busy with work... it feels like this year hasn't really let up on me at all.
It's not as if things are any better now as well, like I have suddenly found time to write these words etc, no no, nothing quite like that. As usual, I take to the blog to just vent myself of feelings and emotions so as to hopefully have a better grasp of how I'm feeling and how things are going.
Covid isn't exactly anything new, and despite the large focus on it, I think the biggest shock to me wasn't exactly how Covid affected me, but... Dengue.
Yep, that lil virus that you can get from Aedes mosquitos. Got my first ever viral infection of dengue 2 weeks back and I gotta say that it has really upheaved my life in way more aspects than Covid ever did.
The Cold extremities and the sore and achey bones and muscles are one thing, but it's the weird mental effect that it has on me that drives me insane.
I don't really know how to describe it aside from that my body doesn't feel my own. My senses are dulled, everything feels like a fraction of what it should be, food tastes dull, I have no appetite or desire to eat, I dread eating in fact because if the food I'm craving doesn't fill that void within the soul, then it's just another thing that doesn't work and is destroyed for me.
Pain is dulled. I hit the wall with my fists just to test it out and... like I don't know how else to describe it except for "ah, there's pain" vs "ow that fking hurts".
Even shit like reminding myself that I need to go to the toilet to take a piss else I'll piss in my pants in a real thing. It's a seriously weird and bizzare feeling.
I also don't really feel tired and sleepiness, at least the mind doesn't. Again, there's that weird disconnect of me the mind feeling absolutely nothing, but I know that my body is and should be tired, yet it can't shut down.
The closest I've gotten to regaining my senses is shoving myself with alcohol, but that's not a great thing for obvious reasons, the least of which is my excessive drinking habits in the past catching up to me in the form of fatty liver. Not great.
I dreaded sleeping and resting at some point as well, I dread lying on the sofa or on the bed because I usually just end up getting a head ache and feeling uneasy instead of rested. Even sleeping feels like just closing my eyes and reopening them without having rested at all and now I have to apparently face another day of this torture.
Worse of all is that I can't think. I can't process the same way I used to. Simple things that shouldn't be anything to me make no sense. I am unable to work at all. I can't really hold coherent thoughts. Simplest of things frighten me because I just cannot understand or comprehend them at all. I just cannot. there's no rhyme or reason behind it and I think that's the worse part.
The good news of course is that I'm getting better. I'm feeling less detached from this... body of mine over the days, I'm able to think better, the cabin fever of helplessness is slowly dissipating.
I am able to start processing my work, albeit slowly, and not without... bullshitting my way out of any form of response or responsibility. It's not ideal, but it's the only way that I can think of right now to slowly ease myself back into the things I used to do on the daily.
That's why I say, this dengue scares me. It's nothing like what Covid was, that just felt like a bad flu, but this.... This feels like shutdown.
Did some reading on the matter and there's such a thing as Dengue Mania. It does seem to improve with time, so part of me does wonder if I have it.
Again, at least the feelings are fading and things are improving. I'm feeling less unease as the days past, less agitated and unsettled.
For some reason, cold drinks seem to help. Don't know exactly why, but that's a thing I can easily consume to help it.
Maybe it has something to do with the temperature slowing down the brain a little and relaxing it. Might be the same reason why I craved for ice cream, cold alcohol etc.
It's a strange time to be me. I just want for things to go back to what they were.
