Morning

The time is 9:45 am. I am in her house, her parents have left and the rest of her family including her have not awakened yet. Earlier this morning all I was met with was sorrow is my heart, and weight in my soul. I... Don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much that this situation i'm in is like a living torture... As I set down here on the couch, I find that I can't do anything without having a momentary lapse of breakdown. The weight in my chest feels heavy. I am sad yet I find myself unable to cry when I need to, the only time being only when I listen to music... Its the gateway to the soul after all.

A white room, endless in its boundaries and size, with walls that seem to reach the ends of the earth. Within this room, in the center of it, lays a bird cage, a small cage. From afar, sounds can be heard. Sounds of a bird's frantic cries.

The small little black bird within the cage cries. It cries yet all that is heard are echoes in the distance. The bird longs for freedom, for happiness, for release. Yet as much as it cries, the only replies it hears are the reverberations off the wall. It cries for hours, and hours, yet no one comes to its aid. It flaps its wings frantically as to be noticed but not a soul notices it in this empty barren white world. It cries with all its might, slowly growing tired. Its voice weakens, its muscles lose their strenght. It pauses momentarily, looking around.

No one is to be seen. As its always been, the room is empty. Sorrow fills its eyes. The bird falls to its side, motionless. All is quiet except for the faint calls of the bird asking for help. Then silence. But the bird isn't dead, for death doesn't exist in this realm. As if to mock the bird, his voice is once replenished, his strength returned, yet its overflowing sorrow remains. An hour later the bird twitches. It slowly regains itself back on its feet. Once again, it begins its cries.

Yellowcard - Afraid

I lie in this empty bed

With this aching head

You left me here this morning

Now I can't remember

Why I let you in again

To get under my skin

And every time you disappear

Then I remember

I look for you

But I can't see your face

And then I hear you

The only thing you say

I am afraid right now

I don't wanna let you down

And I am the one who can't be saved

The only thing I say

I am afraid right now

What if I can't get out?

What if I don't want to be saved?

This is me afraid

Now there's no place like home

To make me feel alone

I see you everywhere I am

And I remember

How you ran out to hide

You kept me close behind

Following your every move

So I remember

I look for you

But I can't see your face

And then I hear you

The only thing you say

I am afraid right now

I don't wanna let you down

And I am the one who can't be saved

The only thing I say

I am afraid right now

What if I can't get out?

What if I don't want to be saved?

This is me afraid

I look for you

But I can't see your face

Then I hear you

The only thing you say is

Don't look for me

'Cause you will never say

And you won't hear me

You won't hear me

Why do we keep this up?

Why do we live like us?

When there is nothing left to save

Will you be afraid?

I am afraid right now

You already let me down

You are the one who can't be saved

If only I could say

I am afraid right now

You never will get out

You'll never let yourself be saved

You are so afraid

You are so afraid

I will still smile as the day goes by. After all, I know how to lie.

Yellowcard - Paper Walls

Let's burn a hole so we can climb out

Of these paper walls and this empty house

Don't listen too close, their words are likeguns

With bullets that fly and kill what you've won

Let's burn a hole so we can climb out

Of these paper walls and this empty house

We're the only thing that's real

These visions we have of ten years ago

Of stars in the sky and us down below

With streets and East Coast lines

We kept this scene alive

Here I am, still hold on to this

Dream we had, won't let go of it

Hear me now, you will never be alone

Don't listen too close, their words are like guns

With bullets that fly and kill what you've won

Some love to hate and some tell you lies

So let's make a toast and kiss them goodbye

We'll kiss them all goodbye

Here I am, still hold on to this

Dream we had, won't let go of it

Hear me now, you will never be alone

Here I stand, won't turn back again

Won't leave you, know how hard it's been

Hear me now, you will never be alone, yeah

Let's take what hurts and write it all down

On these paper walls and this empty house

And when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground

Here I am, still hold on to this

Dream we had, won't let go of it

Hear me now, you will never be alone

Here I stand, won't turn back again

Won't leave you, know how hard it's been

Hear me now, you will never be alone, yeah

Twilight zone.

Ladies and gentlemen, i'm about to enter... The twilight zone. A place where no man has ever embarked, a place where happiness and fear coexist, a place where pandora's box might just be around the corner. Indeed this is no journey for the light hearted, neither is it a journey for the lost, but I need to know something and if entering this veil is the only way I can get the answer, then so be it. This will be a journey one won't soon forget. Ladies and gentlemen, i'm about to embark on a 3 day expedition... Into her house.

 In the meantime,

Yellowcard - Fighting

Said I'd move on and I'd leave it alone
But before I walk out there is something
That I need you to know
I got lost in a blink of an eye
And I can never get back
No, I never got back

You were not there when I wanted to say
That you were everything right
And it wasn't you but me that change
Now I got to go it alone
But I'll never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

Said I'm okay but I know how to lie
You were all that I had
You were delicate and hard to find
Got lost in the back of my mind
And I can never get back
No, I never got back

You were not there when I needed to say
I hit the bottom so fast
That my head was spinning 'round for days
Now I gotta go it alone
But I will never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

What am I fighting for?
What am I fighting for?
Never give up on this
Never give up on this
Never give up on this
Never give up on this

Said I'm okay but I know how to lie
I will never give up
No, I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

What am I fighting for?
(No, I'm never gonna give up, give up)
What am I fighting for?
(No, I'm never gonna give up, give up)

Said that I'd fight for the one that I've found
I'm gonna stay here while I wait
For you to come around
I'd fight, you're a part of me now
And I will never give up
No, I'll never give up

--
Sent from my mobile device

Loss for words

Not much to add to that isn't there... its as it says, i'm lost for words. I don't know what to do i don't know what to say, i'm confused if anything. I still love her, i do. Very much so. But why do i somehow feel betrayed? or wronged of sorts? i don't know, is that the right thing to be feeling? 

Even then, I really want to talk to her right now. Just... talk, about something. Somehow with the impression that everything will piece together.

Blog

Hello there blog.

It's been a while since i last posted on here hasn't it blog. Lately assignments and work have been keeping me busy, i haven't had much time to rant about much but... i guess who am i kidding, i always have something on my mind. 

I talked to one of my friend's today. I was telling him how i watched a show which said that in a long relationship, chemistry was more important than love, and i guess i do agree with that. You see, you can learn to love someone, but without chemistry you can never get along with that person. Don't mistake me blog, i believe that what me and her have, is love and chemistry. I mean i believe we started off with chemistry anyway...

So point into it, i'm worried. I look at pictures of us every day, my phone, my wallet, my tables... and i think to myself. What if we will never get back to that stage? What if when i get back home, things would be so different that it'll hurt? What if indeed. It wouldn't change the fact that i still love her after these 3 months. How do i know? well, i can say it out loud and proud that i love her and there is no breath of hesitation in me. That alone is enough justification for me that my feelings for her are still just and there, besides, i know i love her anyway, even without that. The thing is... is love enough? Is it enough to carry us through all these things? 

Brings me back to why i have this current thoughts in my head. Possibly over a month ago i talked to her and we had a small squabble, and one thing i remembered fondly was her mentioning that she wouldn't stay with me if i didn't earn more money with her. I'm not saying that i won't earn more money than her in the future, i know that much, but its just the thought of it blog. The thought of her saying such a thing. Was our relationship based on something so materialistic such that the absence of money all together means the end of everything? Was it a lie on that day that she told me that she'd be by my side no matter what, at the time when i was having university problems? Was her love for me something more materialistically based rather than emotionally....?

No, I refuse to believe that to be so. I do not want to believe in it. If anything i want to believe that she fell in love with me for all the right reasons. Call me naive, but even in this world where everything is realistic and "gloom and doom" I still believe in true love. I believe that it still exists even in a world like this, only thing is whether i'm part of it.

Blog, I still love her, and i still love her greatly. Reminiscing back to the horror movies where she'd hold my arm and bury herself into my shoulders, or the moments where we'd get into so much trouble for doing stupid things... The moments where everything just felt so right and there was not a care in the world.... They still make me put on that silly smile on my face, the one i did when i first started out with her. The silly smiling, the giggling... The untold happiness... But thats the root of the problem there, I've been built up on all of this so high now that i'm wondering to myself whether this trip back will be the deciding factor whether i'd lose it all. Whether those words will come out of her which will make all these happy moments inside me come crashing down. 

Sigh. I don't know. I have a few days before I head back to Malaysia. Part of me dreads it. Part of me can't sit still thinking about it. Touch wood, what if i hear the words "I don't love you like i did before" comes out. Surely even if things ended there and then, it wouldn't mean the end of the world... I'm a logical person, i know that... But i'd still be a very distraught very broken and very.... saddened person. I can't push blame on long distance relationships. Its not as if it was brought upon intentionally, no. it was there to begin with and we just decided to go ahead and walk right into it, knowing that we'd survive it. So its not the long distance relationship. 

But maybe, and what it, its part of that adventuristic personality of hers? What if part of that personality to explore, go out there, live the adrenaline life attitude is part of not being able to settle for someone like me who is so far away? I don't know what to say, maybe its part of her impression of me either. I know that she doesn't perceive me as a go getter with drive at times but I have my own drives and i have my own goals in life. While they may not be extravagant and out there, i believe them to be realistic and within arms reach. I do not ask to be a millionaire though i work to be one. I do not ask for fast fancy cars, big houses, all the women i can possibly get... I'm too simple a person. I'm contempt with happiness minus the materialistic bounds of life.

Is it stupid for me to say that if i were to live a life where i had a family i loved dearly, i lived in a modest house, had a modest life and more importantly am capable of giving my family a good life make me a fool? At this current point in time, i feel... like i should be prepared for the worst. Or rather i should have more faith. One or the other. One will set me up so that i can cope with things easier, though should things go for the better i'd be thankful... and the latter would set me for a huge fall should things go bad... though if it worked i would feel proud for not questioning what we have... Indeed what mindset i carry out when i see her will be a mystery, if i see her...

Indeed to say, i am quite looking forward to travelling back with her to penang as well. I want that time with her, i want more time with her before i go. The last thing i want to do is let go of anything that we have.

Blog, i love her, i love her greatly, but... what am i supposed to do next?