As though love never came.

I’ve waited here
Between the light and the rain
Hiding in the cracks in the walls
Trying to break my fall
As I lose you again

And you’re gone
As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again
I’ve waited here
Holding on to pieces of the past
But nothing, nothing makes sense any more
I can’t seem to push us back together
I thought we’d be forever
But you’re gone

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again
As though love never came
I guess love always leaves me here
You leave me here

But I run from the shadow
The darkness always hides behinds the sun
I’m still holding on
In silence and the emptiness
The darkness seems to leave when you’re gone
But I’m still holding on
But I’m still holding on

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here again

As though love never came
As though love turns and leaves me here
You leave me here

Dreams.

I will write this here because it’s something that I refuse to tell anyone about, yet at the same time, it’s something that I need to just get off my chest about. I write it because It bothers me.

Today, I had a dream about Tze Ni. It was a dream where apparently both of us were going on a very long holiday. Don’t get me wrong, in the dream, I was a very happy person. The strange thing of course in the dream is how she identified herself and the person whom she was now as a different person of sorts, and somehow that made perfect sense to me. Trivialities aside, I was happy. I was happy even right up to the moment that I woke up, and then I woke up and asked myself why in hell would I ever have these kinds of dreams.

I admit to still loving some part of her. She’ll always be my first true love, and that bit still sticks hard with me even today. One way or another, I’ll always have this soft spot for her. I still want to try to love other people though, to try and see if I can get out of this position I’m in, but even recently, other girls don’t seem so attractive anymore. It’s really fucked up to be honest. I’d rather play the solo game again in any other case, rather than making any stupid mistakes that I may regret later.

I know that one way or another, I really still do love her. It’s kinda fucked up like that, but it’s really something that I have to deal with to be honest. I don’t think I’m in the position right now to make any sound decisions about my love life and relationships. Nope, not in any single way. Sigh.

To be honest, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wanted to hug her once more. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I at least would have wanted to kiss her once more, then maybe that way I could have given my goodbyes and farewells slightly better. To harp on any of the above though, is nothing short of suicidal. Things have changed, and things as they are now, don’t allow me to do any of these, and I’m not sure if I really want to either. I’m having conflict of the mind and the heart to no obvious extent.

Sigh. What is this feeling I’m feeling. I don’t really know. Anyway, I’m going out on a date again with Alexis come Friday. I’ve been going out with her relatively often, but nothing has really come off it yet. Still, at least I enjoy myself, and our time together.

 

hamster off and out.

To the old times!

Decided that I’ll use my blog once again to what it was originally intended for, for a place for me to just write shit away, talk about my day, things that I do, and things that make me happy. I find it odd how the moment that I got myself a girlfriend that a lot of these have changed, and I do feel sad about that much. Oh well.

For the most part, I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping as of late. I don’t particularly think it’s a good thing, but COME ON MAN! IT WAS ON SALE, what more do you want? hahaha xD A lot of these things are things as well that I need in particular, to run an efficient game development cycle as well (at least I feel so). Things like acquiring a new SSHD for my new laptop, because I don’t really want to sell away my Sony Hard Drive since the drive is hard coded somewhat to only work with my system, so it’s not something I can particularly let go of too easily.

Second to that…. Things that I wanted for quite some time, like… MetaGame VideoGame Edition. Contrary perhaps to its name, it’s a card game that I really like that gets people to think critically about the games that they play and they like, thinking about things like their key gameplay features, what makes them good, what makes them meh, things like that. You’d have to have a fair bit of knowledge though, of said games before playing, but hey, it’s really nice to play it with people who are into games as well, not really game developers. I had to source this guy all the way from MoMa. Yeah… Uhm…. Museum of Modern Art, the one in NYC, as as I discovered, the sucker was very much sold out in every other corner of the universe >_> lol. :|

Apart from that, I got myself an Oculus Rift for Game Development purposes, my soldering iron died, so I pulled myself a new one from eBay and testing another brand on lelong… and I’m getting myself some thermal compound for my tech stuff, to keep them nice and cool. I’ve also got things like bluetooth speakers coming in, and hair trimmers, but these are more of the little things to keep me happy with life in itself, and they don’t really cost that much, at least to me they don’t :| lol.

Funny thing about thermal compound. Cleaned up my desktop today, because it was hitting freaking 104 Celcius on full load. What the hell right? >_> I cleaned out the dust and tried again, and I got the same results. I had to go all the way into the system, pull out the radiator pump block, and replace the thermal compound in between, and just like magic, the system now runs on an average of 25 Celsius cooler than before, something that I can really appreciate lol. I’m currently trying to get it to a better more stable overclocking, and I seem to have hit a good 4.6 stable, so I’m very much happy right now with that :3 I’m gonna try for higher though.

Lets see, what else is there. Oh yes, I’m sort of working in my own studio-ish thing right now in 5 stones in PJ, where I am using a condominium unit that my parents bought over as my studio at the moment. A lot better than working at home, as I find that there are way less distractions going on, but the fact that I don’t really have internet there is a real killer. I’m eating a lot into my mobile phone data, and I have a feeling that I won’t really last if this keeps up. Not sure when dad’s gonna bother installing UniFi there though. When he does, I really hope that it’ll be a lot better than what I have here at the moment, at least in terms of like stability >_>

Well, I think that’s all for now. I don’t know if I have too much to write about at the moment, I kinda do, but I’ll keep them for another time and another day when the feelings are a little bit more prominent. It’s nice really, coming back to this kind of format, where I’m not always talking about love and shit and choosing girls etc etc. Nice and somple and I like this :3 hahaha. Girls are troublesome business for me right now, I’d rather stay single for a bit.

Oh well!

 

Hamster off and out :3

If I could steal you away, I would.

Like a thief in the night I take you far from here
There will be no need to worry when I'm near
If there is a doubt in your mind I will make you see
That if you could put your trust in me

I would steal you away if I could
I'd turn the night to day
If I could steal you away I would
And I will steal you away

I would steal you away if I could
And I will steal you away

I would steal you away if I could
I'd turn the night to day
If I could steal you away I would
And I will steal you away

Sigh.

I write this on my phone in my bed as I try to drift off to sleep. I start to realise one way or another that I really just can't erase her presence from my life, and maybe have to just accept that one way or another, yes, we have happened, and yes, we didn't work out, and yes, that's how it is, rather than sweeping it under the rug.

I say this because I went to Subang Airport today, purely business as I went to meet with a customer today, to pass him the goods and get paid. As I was walking to McDonald's, I passed by the departure hall, and just for that brief moment in time, I remembered her back as it faced towards me, as she would take her flight back to Penang for a while, where it would be just back to messages and phone calls again, but each time I knew that we would see each other again, and that would have been something to look forward to.

The image of her pushing her trolley as she would go further into the halls had somewhat been seared into the back of my head, making me recall that exact moment, and every bit of emotion that came with it. One way or another, I guess I just have to accept that she has become this part if my life, that I can't just carve out and toss aside, like a malignant tumor. I can't say that I seek for us to be together again, but all I'm saying is that I'm finding it hard to love another with these memories lingering inside my head, causing all sorts of chaos on the inside. Man.

The one thing that I have noticed, and I think that I really have mentioned this before as well, I don't think this is the first time, is how I've really disassociated her from her own name, if that makes sense. Seeing her name doesn't trigger any sort if feeling or emotion in me, but in the flipside, remembering her and the things we were sort of does, at least for a while. I guess its sort of an easy way of saying that the person she is now isn't quite the same person she was to me back then. I'm pretty sure I still love that person back then, though I can't say I love the person she is now, and its quite a strange thing to really feel. Not saying that I wont love anyone else, but its just all the more difficult you see. Just that mild realization that when I gave her that diamond necklace, and where I said I would love her for the longest of times, I meant it, though my brain, or at least my heart, has cut off any relations to who she was back then to what she is now, and its much like talking or dealing with another whole person really. The person back then doesn't exist anymore. The person who used to love me back doesn't exist anymore.

Where am I going with all of this? I don't really know. I'm just writing for the sake of it, as it takes my mi d off things, and it helps me to deal with the things I have to in the now. I've been getting quite close to Alexis these few days, though the age gap really still bugs me, but I feel that we're in a pseudo relationship right now, with the constant communication and talking, without the commitment and name calling, with pretty much the only thing stopping us from really becoming an item is me really. I don't feel emotionally ready, plus the fact that she's only 19 this year bugs me. For now, I'm happy with just being friends with her, and I try to treat her as such, though from time to time, I do remind her that I like her, and she doesn't seem to forget either, even telling some of the guys that hit on her (and she tells me) that she's somewhat taken now. STILL, SHES THE SAME AGE AS MY BROTHER, AND THATS JUST WRONG IN MY EYES MAN. She's gotta be at least 20 or something... maybe. I seem to do a lot of comparing of her and well... TZ. I know I shouldn't, but it happens anyway, but I'll let you k ow that the only stupid comparison that happens is pretty much body and voice lol. I have nothing against her personality. XD hahahah

Oh well. I really got to start picking myself back together and getting back to work. This mental down time is really talking a toll in my productivity, and as such, nothing much gets done at all, even though there are even some high profile people interested in investing In me as a game developer, and that's a very interesting thing in itself. I'll visit 5 stones tomorrow with my laptop and try and get some work done there. There's too much distractions at home with things to do to actually accomplish anything. The environment there is nice enough to sit down and do work at.

Anyway, I think I'm off for tonight. This had been quite the long post that I haven't done in a while. I'm good with it ending here lol. :/ nites blog.

Hamster off and out.