To Kakak

I feel the need to write this in, I suppose its more of a personal thing that I feel that I want to write this in… And its addressed to Tze Ni’s Kakak, god bless your soul in heaven.

I know that I’ve given you my prayer this afternoon after hearing the news, but posts like this makes me sometimes feel that I can talk to you… one way or another, or that you’ll understand what I’m saying despite me not writing in in Indo.

Kakak, I’ve heard a lot of stories about you before from Tze Ni. She has always been talking about how compassionate, how kind and how loving you were to her, almost like another mother. After hearing a lot of these stories, I really wished that one day I could meet you, you know, meet you in person to finally meet the great person that you are. Its only one of those things that I didn’t quite expect that the circumstances in which we meet… well… be so solemn.

I know that you’re in a better place now, and that your soul will always watch over Tze Ni and give her the blessing that she deserves, she’s a great girl and you have taught her well as a… well lets just say I’d rather call you a nanny rather than a maid. You should see how much she’s grown up and how much more of a beautiful girl she’s become after the years she has left… She has learnt to be an independent, strong, alluring and confident girl, and I think most of it boiled down to how you treated her when she was younger… As Tze Ni told me, set via example.

I really wished that in the event that me and Tze Ni ended up together, that I could have you there with us for the occasion, that you’d share with us your blessings… I mean, I can still do It, but I guess it won’t quite be the same… I really wished I could see you the way Tze Ni has you in her memories.

You’ve been a great woman, mother, tutor, and example for us all. I regrettably say that I had doubts of you earlier when I started to know of you, though after I got to find out more about you from Tze Ni, I realised the kind of person that you are…

May you rest in peace kakak… and for the days that I won’t be there to look after Tze Ni, be there for her as the strength to move her and keep her strong :) I know you loved Tze Ni, and have done a great deal for her, and in that sense, I bend my head in respect and adoration.

Thank you and god bless your soul. You may have left us, but you will not be forgotten, ever. You live on in us, and perhaps an embodiment of yourself in Tze Ni :) Be proud and watch over her, she’ll grow up into a fine lady.

Architect

The days move slow yet quick. My heart is excited yet in pain. I can't help much but to think of her and what were to be. There are people who cheer me on, in my pursuit in going after her. There are those that say that she doesn't love me enough to stay with me, and that I should leave her as well. I generally lean towards the forward opinion. I want to go after her. But sometimes I find myself thinking of the 2nd option.

Then again, it may just be my insecurities kicking in. Admittedly its not the first time I've had insecurities about her, though it mostly revolves along the line of what a girl like her would want in someone like me. In the end I suck it back in and say to myself that I'm an awesome guy, why wouldn't she want to be with me as well.
these few days have been an internal battle, a struggle between what I should do, who I should be, and how much I love her, as it turns out a hell of a lot, and I don't even know how to express that properly.

Its been extremely tiring for me. I still choose to stay positive within it all. I want to. To not be positive, would be in essence denying myself as well. Whether its me studying engineering or games, I come from a field and background that is all about making dreams come into reality, no matter how absurd people may think they are.

Nearly everything in science and engineering and games have been a dream before they were reality. People laughed at the ideas of mechanical horses. People have thought of others to be crazy and unrealistic when they set off to make what others deemed impossible.

In that same respect people laughed and poked ay the idea of games becoming a mainstream media. People didn't think that games could ever be placed side by side to things like the moving image, but I believe otherwise, and it has been proven otherwise as of late as well.

Just like the dreams of those before me, I refuse to give up. I refuse to stand idly by and expect myself to believe that this girl, the love of my life, is just going to walk out of my life, forever even, without me being able to do anything about it.

No. I declare it here and now. I Hsin Yang, am a Games Designer. I'm a dreamer. I love to make dreams a reality for the lives of others and myself. I have successfully done so in the recent years, and this may be the largest task I have ever undertaken for myself, and I believe I can do it.
I, Hsin Yang, will work my ass off to reach my goals in life. Employment and a job, graduation, and I, am going to get the girl of my dreams, to be with me, in the hopes that in the future we spend life together for a long time.

I'm the architect and the designer of dreams. I will build these dreams myself into a reality, no matter what others may say.

I will not lose. I will go for her. That is my resolution, that is my "Core Pride".
And no, I don't need luck. I never depend on it. All I need is a lot of myself.
"Ore-sama nara dekiru"

- PolarHamster

With every breath I feel my inhibition breaking.

Armin van Buuren ft Laura V - Drowning

Rush, pull me under
The world is at my feet
And it’s no wonder

Your eyes speak to me
Tell me be calm
Tell me be strong

Swimming out so deep
Now I can’t breathe
And it’s exactly where I belong

‘Cause it feels like a run of a lifetime
And nothing’s gonna save us now
Let the waves come crashing down

‘Cause it feels like I’m right for the first time
And every time I take you in
I feel my heart skip a beat again

I’m drowning in your love
(I’m drowning, I’m drowning, I’m drowning, I’m drowning)
’Cause I’m drowning in your love
(I’m drowning, I’m drowning, I’m drowning, I’m drowning)

Love, it’s taking over
There is no in betweens
Till I find me some cover

The tide is coming, I don’t know if I can take it
I lose my focus, lose my focus
With every breath I feel my inhibition breaking
I can’t control it, no, no, no

‘Cause it feels like a ride of a lifetime
And nothing’s gonna save us now
Let the waves come crashing down

‘Cause it feels like I’m right for the first time
And every time I take you in
I feel my heart skip a beat again

I’m drowning in your love.

Blog.

This feeling in my chest now. It hurts. It Burns. It hurts really really bad. one part wishes for it to go away but one part embraces it. It makes me feel alive. The pain... if I had to describe it, it feels like someone took a stake and splintered it throughout. I'm tied down and can't move as I feel the stake slowly piercing my skin, driving into my heart as it slowly rotates, skewering and contoeting my flesh in ways I did not think was possible. But I cannot scream, I cannot shout. I cannot cry. I cannot show these emotions. I need to smile all the way through as the stake drives into my heart, twisting at every inch, contorting my face into an almost macabre smile. But that is what I need to do and have to do. My pain is vital to the survival of others, and for that I must feel this. I gasp for air and resume to smile.