Hershey

This is my first time doing something like this, but i suppose that there is a first time for everything. I'm actually typing from the wireless keyboard now in the lounge chair in the karaoke room typing this onto the big ass TV in front of me through an Android Mini PC. Why am I typing this? Well, the answer to that may become just that little bit more apparent in a few more minutes.

Yesterday night I lit a candle for Hershey, over the balcony where I usually am. I stayed with the candle for a few hours, if not to pay homage and tribute to Hershey's soul, perhaps also for her to find her way back here. I woke up this morning (it's 6:25am now) to a sensation I found myself quite familiar with sometime ago, even though I had not had the chance to know Hershey for as long as my other family members had. It was the familiar sensation of her biting my toes, in usual playful Hershey spirit. Slightly tingly, but harmless. Needless to say, it put a smile on my face, and made me know that she's in a better place now, and that she's always around in spirit, even if others may view her as just a dog or anything along those lines.

Hahaha, you were always like that weren't you :) hahaha. Typical playfulness. Perhaps then it's a good thing that I'm spiritually sensitive, unlike most of my other family members. I get to experience things like these, and perhaps, as Hershey would have it, her way of saying her final goodbye.

You were a good dog Hershey, I don't care what the others say :) Rest in peace. You deserve it.

Hamster off and out

Goodbye

She didn't make it through the night.

Disappointment.

Writing in to express feelings of disappointment, feelings for outrage and just that little bit of disgust. No, this is not a post about Tze Ni, this is a post about my dad and my 6 month of puppy dog, Hershey. Let me put that into context for you.

I just got back from the vet, after having sent Hershey there. She has been really sick these few days (so have I >_>) and we only got the chance to send her to the vet today. She couldn't even stand up without collapsing, so I had to carry her into the vet.

She's doing quite badly. Her pupils couldn't dilate, she was shaking a little bit, she was breathing quite heavily. There is a good chance that she may have some brain damage already, because of her fever and dehydration (she hasn't been eating and drinking well these 2 days). Sigh. The messed up part is of course my dad's approach towards the matter. When told the costs on treating Hershey, he said that it costed more than the dog itself, which okay... what was your point right? so the vet said that the deposit was half the amount. My dad said he'll put down 300, and so I thought he was 100 short, so I was prepared to take out from my wallet an additional 100. As I did so, I was stopped short and asked to put it back in my wallet, which to me felt odd.

Through the trip back, my dad was saying how someone could really make a living off being a vet. I said to my dad that Hershey was in critical condition, how can that really even compare to any sort of normal human GP treatment even. This is like ICU level sort of thing, especially if she needed to be hospitalized. He then said that if Hershey dies (which the vet did warn us about, because of her critical condition), that he wouldn't but another dog. I mean... WTF. TOO SOON? She just got admitted and you're already here talking about what to do after she dies? or rather even if so, in the event if? Sigh. Following that, it was a silent mumble to himself talking about the maid and how "she spoils everything".

To me that was just a clear sign on how my dad viewed the dogs in the house. In a way, it was much like an accessory. Something nice to have, but after a while, you just don't really want to take care of them. It was severely disappointing for me. to me, keeping and having a dog is taking another life in your arms and hands, and if you're not capable of doing so responsibly, don't do it. The very fact is that she's 6 months old and I hear that she possibly has to be PUT DOWN from the vet, was very sad for me. Coupled with the way my dad treated things, was a double slap in the face. I didn't say much to him, I just kept my silence, but sigh. Just... Sigh.

I may stop writing here, I'm still feeling a little woozy and sick myself (couldn't even get up well yesterday, was getting cold sweats, and intense sweating, Couldn't eat, vomited twice). Sigh. In many ways, I feel responsible for Hershey and what she's in right now, but I know that I wasn't in much of a position to help her as well. I was down and out myself, and even today, when I am slightly better, I don't have a car to use at all (The Myvi is in service for the weekend because it's fked.) So... yeah... I feel responsible yet feel that there was almost nothing that I could have done to circumvent this. Fucking sucks.

So yeah. Happy merry fucking Christmas everyone. Hopefully mine doesn't come with the death of my dog.

hamster off and out.

Sick.

Even through it all, Tze Ni, I still love you.

Really sick right now, but I needed to say that.

Night.

Moar delays

One hell of a flight delay. I'm currently in the plane, and it's only about to land in about 20 minutes. I was supposed to reach Malaysia at a good 3:30pm, instead, the flight is probably only reaching at 9++ pm. One hell of a delay indeed.

Apparently there was a medical emergency with the flight before that, the incoming flight that is. While a totally legitimate reason, I still find it somewhat irritating I suppose, but I'll get used to it, as I usually do. I'm a patient man through and through anyway, so this is nothing much.

Well, news just came in that the fight is going to be further delayed a good 8-10 minutes due to airport congestion. Bah. Oh well. =_= That's how life is I suppose.

I'm off for now. Laters

hamster off and out.

Delays.

Just doing a little bit of mobile blogging. I'm tired, and my flight has been delayed a good 3 hours. I haven't really slept, because I intended to sleep in the plane during the flight, but I'm starting to realise of course, that this is not going to be very possible. It's more likely that I fall asleep here before I actually board my flight, since the boarding time is 1:30pm, and the time now is 11:42am. Blah.

Thinking and considering all sorts of things, yeah, I know that I over reacted yesterday with my blog post. I didn't really mean a lot of what I said, I guess I needed somewhere to direct my energy and dislike for the whole thing... and well yeah, it ended up being her. I mean apart from her, who or what else could it be right? hating distance after all only goes so far. It's an inanimate object and subject >_>

Even then though. I still don't think that I'm entirely wrong. I mean, while the delivery may have been a tad harsh, I think the message was somewhat valid. There's a reason why I write such things, and sometimes it's not always delivered properly. I'm still apprehensive about the whole thing, and I still don't want another relationship anytime soon, for a long long LONG time, if I can help it. It's just unnecessary at this point, unnecessary trouble and unnecessary pain. After all, I'm starting to realise that I can get along just fine without it, and that is actually the better way to go about it, not becoming reliant on a relationship to be happy or successful or whatever.

Blah, I don't know. I'm just tired and I want rest. I want a break from all of this.

hamster off and out

Days go by

I haven't really written in in a while. I'll say that it's because I have been busy post graduation, amongst other things like shifting stuff across to bring back to Malaysia. That and I haven't really been feeling the need to write in that much, until now maybe.

My heart feels clouded. I feel myself getting angry, or upset at her, though the reasons are stupid reasons. I don't like this feeling. It feels like I'm about to be engulfed by this caving darkness if I don't really do something about it. It's a stupid reason to be upset anyway, seeing as both of us have went our own way, and most of what is going through my head now is nothing but speculation. Even then, speculation that shouldn't bother me, and yet I find that it does. I am going to try and ignore it and let it slide. I'll let it slide because I'm not even supposed to be feeling this. I need a drink. I need one right about now.

I have been chatting a lot with Ann these few days, mostly because post graduation, I confessed to liking her even the slightest bit for a while, and she was very intrigued by it, mostly because she felt that it could have never happened, like me falling for her. Nothing else will transpire between the both of us, but it's still one of those things that's nice to say and get off my chest, then move onward and forwards from there. I don't want to be in another relationship for quite some time to be honest. I gave a lot to my last one, and right now, it just hurts and feels wrong to give this love to someone else. I don't want to till I feel I am ready, even if it means me being single for a long period of time.

As the days go by, I find myself being more and more disappointed with Tze Ni. I seem to find and pick reasons within myself to hate her, or find fault in the things that she's doing, a very bad thing, because it is clear early signs that I'm headed for the dark side of getting over relationships, which I have been trying very hard to avoid all this time. I'll still continue to try and avoid this road, whatever it takes. Not for her, but for me. I don't ever want to be engulfed by this muck of darkness and sadness. If anything, I should be happy for her, and move on with my own life, seeking my own life and career as it comes along. At this point in time, I'd rather I'd seek it alone, rather than with someone else. I just really am not ready for another relationship.

Part of caving into the darkness. I wonder to myself if it's really so easy for her to bury me under the piles of everything, such that she can easily move on from what we were into something else. another guy, within a year or so (which mind you, isn't really a short span of time either). I'm really starting to feel as if I was the only one who was fully into our relationship, and I almost feel stupid for doing some even though I know that I shouldn't really feel that way. She's legitimately doing everything by the books, perhaps so much so that it's almost mechanical. The days that go by make me question on why I have loved such a girl like her, being blinded by love and emotion, only to see what she really is, though even then, I don't think I can dislike and hate her for it. She's a selfish girl to be honest. A very selfish girl who thinks not of others more often, but herself. It's the irony almost for someone who is so caught up in helping others, which makes me feel as if she does it not for the people herself, but for her own consciousness, to almost prove to herself that she is a good person.

Whether this is true or not, is up to debate, and it could always just be me talking out of spite and emotion for her. I pit the reasons up to the latter to be honest. Me as I am now, is not someone that I really trust with judgment and thinking clearly and straight. I hardly find myself like this, but when I do, at least I realise that I'm becoming a monster myself, and I should stop it before it grows anymore. She hasn't been the best girl to me, but even so, she is who she is, and I should accept her for that, not question, judge and condemn her for it.

Things, needless to say for me at this point in time, aren't easy. I'm quite a clusterfuck of emotions, and I'm finding that spending more time with girls, isn't particularly solving the issue. That and coupled with the fact that I don't easily find a new girl in my life to totally dote over, makes it incredibly difficult for me. Sigh. I wonder how long it'll take for me to fully get over this. I wonder if I'll even be able to fully get over this and move on with my life. At this point in... I don't really know. I am feeling really doubtful. I just don't know.

I think that I need a drink

Hamster off and out.

P.S. Flying off tomorrow morning back to Malaysia.

12/12/12

Would love to write a lot for tonight, but I can't. Late, and graduation tomorrow. Instead I'll give a summary.

Met Parents. Laptop Working again. Love Tze Ni. Love Tze Ni. Love Tze Ni.

Love Tze Ni very much. mwah mwah and kisses loves and hugs.

nights baby XD hahahahaha

hamster off and out. Shortest post ever.

HERP DERP

Wow. I feel so... full of energy now. :< No idea why, but I will blog it out. I think ever since I got myself cut from the relationship, I find that my energy really has nowhere to go that blogging for me is almost a necessity to calm myself down :< I really am quite a jumpy person when it comes down to it.

Truth be told, actually just a little bit tired now. Trying to teach Chad how to program and why we do certain things in programming, and it's a slow and laborious process, albeit fun :P He's getting there, and I'm not sure if he'll overtake me in time, but at least he'll get quite self sustainable in time. That's always something nice to be. Not that I mind him relying on me, I mean, I like it as well, but I think it's sad in the sense of it being... almost cruel, that he can't really make games by himself without really employing my help, so I'm teaching him to be somewhat self sustained if you will :< It's a good thing and I enjoy it. Means that he'll need me less, but he'll learn in the process.

Iera man. God damn Iera. She tagged me in one of her love love photos today DX Can't say I really enjoyed that, but I take it lightly I suppose, I try to. I approach it jokingly, but she's really one of my stalkers at the moment. I don't think I could ever date her, not really because she's muslim, but because... Well, who she is kinda repels me ._. Idk, something about her that's almost so desperate for it just throws me off, and obviously, I don't really like that. I don't really like how she tagged me and shit, but oh well. I'm a cool guy, and I'll take it in good spirits. No point exploding over little things after all.

Now, onto the topic at hand. I'm starting to notice almost how Tze Ni's friends... are still quite close to me. Not sure why. Maybe they're just not like... shallow and stuff to ignore me, but some of them actually feel as if they're rooting almost silently for me and like Tze Ni to get back together. I'm not really against it, but I do find it interesting, and I'm not sure if I can meet that expectation of theirs, not because I don't want to of course, but because I want her to decide as well, not really me. I can't really go around invalidating everything she wants for me, though on the other hand, I can be selfish as well... right? O_o Yeah. Anyway. People like June Yee or Sandra feel like they're silently rooting for me and Tze Ni, maybe. I don't know this. Maybe Justin as well o_O Maybe I'm over feeling this, but sometimes it really feels like that, I SWEAR O_O

It does make me happy though. Somehow just that little bit makes me feel as if the chances of me and her working out would be just that much higher, because I have allies on my side :< I really want me and Tze Ni to work out. I love her too much for it to be a shame if we don't. I love her too much to not be able to at least propose to her one day (I know right?). I really love her way too much for things to go south. No guy, NO GUY, can ever top my feelings for her, and I know that as a fact, and as a truth. No guy she will ever meet will be as loyal and as strong as I am, and I'm sure at some point she will miss this. I give her that sense of security, and she feels happy from it. Maybe they will be able to give her some, but not that much. >.>

Also, the more I look at Tze Ni, I almost feel as if she's kind of like a niche market in that sense o_o like, only certain kind of guys will like Tze Ni, and I don't really think I'm wrong with this. I also think that because of this, not many guys can keep up with her, and many guys will be driven away by this, that or she will drive them away herself. I'm not saying she's undesirable, but remember how I sort of said in the early stages of the relationship how she's kind of like this uncontrollable fire, and that not all guys know how to control this kind of fire, and I'm one of those guys who know how to? O_O Yeah. :| I think I'm starting to feel that, and I'm not saying she won't be able to find the other guy, but I mean, in the event they do, I'm interested to see if they manage to last, if at all O_o It's just one of those things, where I wonder if the guy will be worn out and burnt by her. Heck, I'm a pretty strong and resilient guy, and even in some days I find myself burnt out by her >.> Her parents know that I can compliment her well though, maybe that's why they're kind of rooting for me as well lol. Maybe. Maybe they see it XD

Idk. It's an interesting day with interesting thoughts and interesting train of thoughts. I am literarily enjoying myself just watching her and watching every day unfold, seeing whether anything happens all the way up to the first quarter of next year O_o Wait. Quarter. Was that what Wern Sheng was referring to? >_> Quarter... IDK! It's all so cryptic to me :< I'm not even sure what to make of it to be honest D: Just so.... CRYPTIC O_O I will admit though, that the day didn't really start out like this fully. It started with me scolding Chad (that's right, scolding him), because of the way he was dealing with and treating his ex. All that talk about being professional and stuff, and not one shred of it. I mean, what is up son. What is UP. :| In the end, I gave him a heavy talk and I hope he's learnt well from it, I really do hope so. I feel that I have a lot to offer him in terms of advice and latent wisdom, but only if he'll listen to it. After all, I see this almost as an opportunity to make things less horrible between him and his ex and stuff, but only if he wants to, but at this point, it feels like he's just more hurt and cut and just holding on to that hurt, instead of just really moving on and just being truly happy about things now. o_O

hmm. Yeah :| Idk D: what else to say right now. OH OH. I LOVE YOU TZE NI :3 I love you baby. And yes, you make me tear my hair out sometimes DX You make me rage and you make me want to just... ARGH but... at the same time you make me so soft for you in my heart that I just don't really want to love anyone else. You're my vice, and my weakness yet at the same time, my strength and my muse :\ It's a terrible world we live in where even superman can love his kryptonite ; _ ; hahah >< But yeah, I do love you Tze Ni :) I love you with all my heart, and time has only had me understand this more and more as days go by.

After all, it's like the revised version of an old saying that I wrote. Absence, makes the heart choose on whether to forget, or to grow fonder and stronger. In my case, I chose the latter in a heartbeat. She's just too important to me, and I love her too much to even consider FORGETTING. :P

MWAH MWAH MWAH :) I really do love you Tze Ni. Good night and Sweet dreams. I love you :D

hamster off and out

More late nights yay >.>

This is me doing some 5:15am blogging. Again, was supposed to sleep earlier, but each time I get suckered into talks with Chad about life, love and relationships, so much that time passes so quickly and we find ourselves sleeping late once again. Story of my life everyday here to be honest. We find topics to talk about.

Once again though, I don't have much to say on the Tze Ni front, except that I really love her, so maybe I'll skimp a little bit on it today and just focus and talk about what I did instead. I travelled out to the city today, to get some errands done. Got myself two pairs of new business slacks, only to realise that my thighs and my calves are so big that the size that I'm supposed to wear, 32, just won't do and that I have to get larger sizes >_> yay. I'm starting to realise that I may have to just get larger sizes because I have really muscular legs ._. Can't say too much about my upper half at the moment, but I'm somewhat getting there >.>

Apart from that, I just scouted around and got Chad a huge Tea Mug (gotta get one as well for myself in Malaysia. Will most likely chip in a big more and get myself a more pricier maxwell and Williams one :< I like that one... D:) So yeah. I guess you can call it semi uneventful. I guess. Gotta wake up tomorrow morning and ship out all my ebay items >.> that's 5 of them that I gotta work it. At least I'm getting paid to do so, so it's not that bad. :< I'm still okay with this D:

Blah. Okay yeah. I miss Tze Ni. I am forbidding myself from talking much to Alexis, not because I'm afraid of falling for her, but I realise that I may be sending the wrong signals over, and I don't think I want to start doing that with Alexis. She's a nice girl, and I don't think I want to be the one to take that away from her >< Blah.

I talked to Chad about my case, and I suppose that he's a bit more understanding about it than most other people actually. He seems to agree with me that I should make my own decision in life and what not, and well... yeah. It's exactly what I'm going to do, fuck what anyone else has to say ._. I know some of my friends start calling her an ungrateful bitch who doesn't treat me right and things like that... and while to an extent, I do agree, though not extreme, I also know for the most part that it's not like that, and she's not doing it on purpose anyway. I know her well enough to know that much about her I feel.

Yeah. I don't know what else to say. I'm trying not to exhaust myself too much in this department after all. The more I just force myself into too much of it, the more I'll get caught up and just ruin things for myself. Even the matter of really finding out if she's in a relationship or not... I say fuck it. I don't need to know and I don't need to care. If it come it comes, if anything happens it happens. I don't need to know and I don't need to care, all that really matters to me at this point is my feelings for her and what I really know about it.

I have started to realise that my love is at that level where it doesn't care if she has dated anyone before or after me, or what she has done, or any of those other details. I don't care about any of those things, they're all so trivial to me really. I thought that I'd be more bothered by them, but the truth is that I really am not. I don't care. I couldn't care LESS to be honest. I just don't. I love her, and that's really all that matters to me at the moment, and how do I show it? I show it now by letting her have her space and doing what she wants. Yep. That's how.

Meh. People don't understand me, and I don't expect them to. I'm not asking them to either. all I need to know, all that is important to me, is just about me and her. Nothing much else about the opinions of others matters. I won't make the same mistake again of mistaking the opinions of others with that of my own.

I love her, and that's my truth. I'm sticking to it, and I fucking LOVE it that I love her. Fuck anyone else who thinks that's a problem. Fuck them. I love Tze Ni, and if you have a problem with that, just fuck right off.

Yeah. I love you Tze Ni. DAMN STRAIGHT I DO. GOOD NIGHT AND SWEET DREAMS. LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABE.

hahaha, I feel so fierce and shit, but it's true.

hamster off and out.

Cognitive Stirring

Woke up this morning to a dream of her, something that I have not really had in a while. It was quite an amusing dream to be honest, and if anything, it's one of those dreams that only propel me to be stronger and more resolute for her.

The dream somehow took place in what looked like my old house to be honest, but anyway, she was in my house, and apparently she was looking onto whether I had a red shirt she could borrow. That's pretty much how the dream started. It started with me being very resolute about being professional, not letting any of my emotions leak, just being firm with her and you know, one of those in and out jobs. Just quick and easy. Surprisingly, most of the beginning of the dream was spent with me looking through my stashes of clothes, and deciding if they were red enough to be considered red (lol. I actually sorted them in the dream >.> and I have no idea why red.)

Eventually, I came across a red jersey for her, so I walked to the adjacent room, to give her the shirt. I walked past her, and I said "I'll put this here", as I reached to put the shirt at the back of the room. It was supposed to be as simple as that, pass her the shirt, then let her see if it's suitable, then I'd be on my way, possibly just seeing her off. That would be it. Apparently, things never quite go as planned. Obviously. She said to me behind my back, "I'm sorry". Somehow, those short words were enough to just crack me. The last thing I knew, I was just immobile, and had fallen to my knees, looking down, and sighing. She looked into my eyes and said to me, that throughout everything, she has learnt that she loves me. She kissed me on my lips, then said to me, I love you Hsin Yang.

I suppose it would have been fine if it ended there, but the part which ensues is kind of like the weird part. She said to me, that she loves me, and she asks me to wait for her to end things with this current guy. I'm like o_o wtf. I don't know what to feel. Yeah. That's pretty much how the dream ended. I mean, okay sure, I'm not meant to take dreams seriously, so yeah... I'll do just that :< I will however remember once again the softness of her lips and her breath against my skin from that dream, something which I realise I have so sorely missed.

So maybe it's a fake dream. Maybe its a tell tale sign of what's to come. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe so. Even then, I believe that we have such dreams for a reason. Even if it's just to tell us to hold out for something better, or to make us realise our feelings and emotions. Dreams are manifestations of our inner thoughts and desires, without the bars of everyday life to hold them down. Of course, I can be very wrong with this, and I can end up being the only one with this feeling while she's happily spending her time with another guy. Maybe so, but I will still believe in it. It's what I do after all, and it's in my character to do such thing. I am naturally like this.

All I know that in my heart, no matter what anyone else will say, I still love her, and I intend to keep it that way, at least until I feel it's really time. Now? Now it's still too premature and early for such things. Despite what others may say, I feel that it's way too early to give up on anything, and to do so would just be saying that well, I didn't want it that much anyway. Doesn't ride by me.

So yeah. I'm doing a little bit of mobile blogging at the moment. Getting quite used to it, and enjoying it very much. Typed this while waiting for the train to arrive into the city, and now I've boarded the train, just waiting for it to leave to the city. Gotta go grab some stuff for my graduation after all, and some other stuff while I'm at it.

I think I'll end the blog post here. I just wanted to write in and just blog about this dream before it becomes merely a forgotten thought of mine. Mwah. I love you Tze Ni. Live life, and enjoy it. Even without me. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Love you so much.

hamster off and out.

3:36am again ; _ ;

Perhaps I am slowly running out of things to write, maybe because it's really not really anything new to me anymore. I don't know what to really say at this point, except that I do love her, but... hmm... I don't really know what else to say XD hahahaha

It's something that really doesn't diminish in me no matter how long I leave it, I'm starting to find. As the days pass by, and as I meet more and more girls to try my best and get over her, the more and more I find how she's such a large part of my life and my heart, that no one can really replace her presence in my life, and that at that point altogether, no one at this point can really top my feelings for her (I won't get too much into topping her, because I kinda can think of girls who can best Tze Ni, but I still love Tze Ni more, for who she is. It's not about the flaws after all, it's about who she is. I already accepted her flaws long time ago. I still love her none the less.)

Sad sad sad, but in a way happy. I'm happy that I'm able to love someone this much to be honest. I'm happy that I can't just replace her with someone else, as it just further validates my feelings for her. I am happy that well... We're kinda apart from each other right now, because I'm learning myself how important she is in my life and the things that I feel for her (I'm just hoping she feels the same :( not sure if.) I'm learning how not having her in my life really is, and how much more happier I was with her in it. I am learning a lot more new things, and I am coming to appreciate them a lot more as time passes I suppose.

Of course, I won't tell her any of these things, at least not now, as usual. She really doesn't need to see these things after all. Won't do her any good if she already decided to move on from me, and date other guys. Besides, I can't magically make distance disappear, it's just something that really has to come in time and just you know... make itself nonexistent, forever. I guess I'm like this. I'm very giving and I don't ask for much. I still consider it much of a flaw, because I really don't mind as much when people don't maybe... I don't know, appreciate me as much, as long as I love them. It's almost kind of like a parent's love in a weird way, because I mean, even if the kid may hate the parent, the parent should still love the kid, unconditionally. Sort of like that, except a bad analogy, because that would be incest, and that's just creepy. Yeah. >_>

So what does this mean for me? MORE WAITING I SUPPOSE! MORE WAITING TILL NEXT YEAR, AND MORE WAITING TILL MAY OF NEXT YEAR FOR HER TO BE BACK, AND GUESS WHAT. EVEN THEN, NOTHING MAY HAPPEN AT ALL!!! =_= Nothing may even happen forever, and yet... I WILL BE HERE. YEP. =_= Dedicated, and maybe just a little bit stupid and hopeful. Yeah. Hopeful. You know what I'm hoping for? Okay maybe not hoping, but... I suppose I'd like for it to happen. I'd like for her to realise come next year that hey, she's tried seeing other guys and she realises that she still wants me, and she realises as well that hey, we have about less than a year between us, and you know, SOMETHING HAPPENS FROM THEN. DX I don't know how likely it is for it to happen, but... Okay fine, maybe it's quite unlikely. She has too much pride and she wouldn't be the one to step up and do it. Yeah. =_= But I mean come on. If she came back at like May next year, and she had to go back in October, and she has a break in December, and like back permanently by May next year...  then that's REALLY NOT ALL THAT LONG. WHAT DISTANCE. SHIT. 3 Month INTERVALS WITH A TOTAL UP TO LESS THAN 6 MONTHS? I WOULD TAKE IT ANY DAY TO BE HONEST. FUCK.

But then again, there's that question if this would happen at all =_= knowing her, I'm not too sure at all. Knowing me... I guess if she's back in Malaysia in May, and she's still single then I would make a move I guess. I would. Why wouldn't I. Sigh. I don't know :< I love her a lot, but at certain times, I feel like I'm the one doing too much in this relationship, but at the same time, I don't mind DX It's part of the whole doing what the heart wants and what the mind feels is right I suppose. I mean, by that I'm saying that the heart wants to continue loving her no matter what, and the mind is saying, well, if she doesn't put out as well, then why bother as well right? It makes sense in a logical way, but at the same time, I feel that this is not the way love should work. By my rules, love is forever giving, it's not demanding, it's understanding, it's patient, it's kind and it's just the most beautiful thing ever. I won't say that this is what I'm feeling per se, but I feel that at least it's close enough. I REALLY DO LOVE HER LIKE THAT OKAY? I JUST LOVE HER THAT MUCH ; _ ; Whether she knows it or not I suppose... ._. sigh.

I don't know. At this point, I feel like I'm judging her and her love, or the way she loves, but what do I know right? She may be the one who's suffering even more, if she doesn't know how to deal with it best, but at least if it's true, it teaches her that some stuff just isn't meant to be swept under the carpet, in fact, you should never EVER do it. I hate doing that. Such an escapist technique at life. =.= But not my point. My point is that perhaps this is her way of dealing with whatever she's feeling. I'm not saying it's wrong... It's just... not smart I suppose. Maybe. Man, I don't know what I'm really saying anymore. ><

Regardless of what people may say, I think that I still want to keep my hopes up. I want to dream big, and I want to love big, and I don't want to ever stop doing that. I don't want to be cynical about love, I don't want to be cynical about life, or her. I just want to love her, and believe in it, and even if one day it really doesn't work out, and I come crashing down larger than the Hindenburg, then so be it. SO FREAKING BE IT. I don't mind, I don't CARE. As long as I know that I have loved her without any regrets at all, that I have REALLY done so, I am happy, and I am satisfied. I really would be.

I am resolute in the way I do things, and I am resolute in my cause. I love her, and not much of what anyone else can say or do, can change that, not even her. I will give her her space, and sure, maybe I'll pretend to move on, to see how she goes in time, but my heart will always stay strong and true to her.

Blog, I love her, and yeah. I want to be with her. That's why I find myself blogging constantly all the time, to get this feeling out of me (which I'm starting to find is somewhat never ending, either that or me typing out ike this is somewhat feeding it. Maybe. I don't hate it though :| do what I want to make me happy right? hahaha

So yeah. Conclusion? I don't mind if I have to go it alone, but obviously, if she was to join me soon, so much the better. In the end though, just like that diamond necklace that I gave her, I believe that my love is somewhat forever, and I stand by it, no matter how long after. No, I don't believe I've made a mistake by giving my heart to her. I still trust that it was the right choice and the best thing to have done. I love her.

Good Night blog, Good Night Tze Ni. I love you. Stupid Hsin Yang who is hopelessly lost and in love with you just does. But perhaps you don't need to know that. Regardless, I still am, and I predict that I still will be years from now. I love you baby. Nites.

hamster off and out

Mid Afternoon

While not technically morning, it's still one of the more earlier  times that I have done any postings whatsoever. I am still lying in bed at the moment, thinking about a few things, and having just completed my share of morning readings for now. I had a bit of a silly conversation with Mel right now which really had me thinking a little bit I suppose.

Somehow I feel that this flirtatious nature of mine had only started surfacing when things with me and Tze Ni took for the worse. I never really used to be a very flirtatious guy, though arguably I was pretty naughty when it came to Tze Ni. I start to realise perhaps why I do it, and why I am just that little bit more flirtatious now than who I was before. In a lot of ways though, it's a bad reason. I'm clearly missing her and I seem to combat that by being flirtatious and spending time with other girls, the good thing is that of course no one is getting hurt, at least just yet. I don't know if I can or should keep this up though. On one hand, I find it quite enjoyable, on the other, I know that I would be just making use of these other girls, though not as far as say sex or even exploiting emotions or what not. It's just having fun with each other and just... You know being just that little bit mischievous. I still don't think it's all that right, but so long as no one gets hurt per se, I don't feel it's too particularly wrong either...

It's just one of the things I find myself doing when missing her this much I suppose. I mean, given the chance, I would rather not have to do this, but at the moment, I can't think of a good substitute at all, apart from that. I do wish things were easier at the moment, but I feel that there's not much room for complaints either. Judging from how things have played out, they have essentially played out in their most sensible way, and is already considered quite a good path. Perhaps I'm just too much of an optimist, but yeah. I feel that they're still on the good path. Anything above that is just the dreamy path. But bear in mind though, that to me, what constitutes the good path has both me and Tze Ni eventually ending up together. Whether that happens or not though... is yet to be seen, so we'll see how long it stays the best path for me I suppose.

I'd like to get up and do some stuff, but at the moment, I'm feeling just a little bit knackered (tired, worn), so I think I'll just head back in for a little bit longer before climbing back out. I still have quite a few things to do after all, and the list isn't exactly getting shorter by itself.

I love you Tze Ni. I really do. Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs.

hamster off and out.

More Pre-Sleeping blogging

Saw something interesting today. So as not to jinx it, I won't talk much about it, but I'll continue watching it instead. May have been a once off thing, may be more. Who knows right? Well, at the very least, I think it could be very much a sign of something. Will continue watching it.

The time now is 1:31am. Trying to get an earlier night, so that I don't sleep and wake up so late each time. It's really starting to irritate me, so I'm trying to refrain from any of that. mmmmm.... Feelings about things at the moment? to be honest, I didn't really think of it much today. If I did think about it though, I suppose I thought more about Tze Ni rather than Alexis. For all intents and purposes almost, I feel as if I'm not attracted to her anymore, whatever the reason. I can't really say I know why at least.

Maybe that's the funny thing that I'd like to talk about a little bit more today. That. The fact that Alexis is cute, she likes playing games, she likes anime and manga, she's actually quite fit and somewhat active, by most counts, I could consider her the more... fitting girl than what Tze Ni ever was. Really. If I think of it objectively like that, I can see that she has everything over Tze Ni, and really in that case, she would be the more "perfect" girl for me. Yet why is it that the more I know about her, the less I feel for her? The closer I get to her, the less I am drawn to er. It's really not that anything is wrong with her, in any other world, I would have approached her without much hesitation, yet why i it that this time around she just holds nothing for me?

Strange conclusions that call forth strange questions to be honest. I think I sort of know why, but I can't really draw these kinda of conclusions yet of course. Its becoming more and more evident almost that regardless of who I meet, or who I may like, my heart really wouldn't settle for anyone other than Tze Ni. I'm starting to believe that that is true. I find myself swearing allegiances almost with Tze Ni. Sigh. Not sure if it's a good thing, but I suppose I'm somewhat stuck on her... I don't hate it though. I really like it at times, but it worries me and makes me sad at times, but not like sad sad, but rather... the... why am I so stuck on her and she's not her sort of thing.

Oh well >.< I'm gonna stop writing now before it gets too late. It's like 2:41am now (got distracted so yeah ._.) I'll go sleep now.

Mwah Tze Ni. I love you. Good Night :)

hamster off and out

2:34am

Semi early night. Relatively. Doing a little bit more thinking and stuff, and I find myself... and I will actually say this, unwilling almost to fall in love with another :| It's a strange feeling, but it's like actually saying that I don't want to fall in love with another, at least not just yet.

I find myself so heavily tethered to Tze Ni to be honest, and I am really sort of scaring myself with it. Not that I don't love her, but I feel almost as though I am almost addicted to the idea of us and you know... am really unwilling to let go of it because of that. There are of course two ways into looking into this problem, one being that I'm really committed to her, and only her, and the other being more of a... Kinda too into it sort of guy. I'm trying to find my balance in between regardless

Sigh. I don't know. I don't really feel it for Alexis anymore. Where I was initially quite excited to chat with her each time, the closer I get to her, the more I find myself wanting to pull away. It's not that I don't think she's cute and stuff, or that she's not fun or boring, but I guess I'm still quite defensive about the whole thing. Regardless on whether I'm flirtatious or not then, my loyalties still come in pretty strongly and just guards me from doing anything I really don't want to. That and she's really young, and I feel hesitant just doing anything to her. It's somewhat bad enough that as a 25 year old, I'm flirting with an 18 year old >_> bleh.

Idk. It boils down to the same thing over and over again every day, yet I find myself writing about it each time. Do I get tired of writing about it? not really, no. I find that it's good and interesting to write about, to just dissect the thoughts as they come in day by day and just see what they hold for me, even if they're pretty much centric on like Tze Ni and Alexis and love relationships at the moment. Would still pick Tze Ni over her though, ._. Blah.

I think I'm just not ready for anything at the moment. That and while I do miss cuddles, hugs, kisses and just being utterly high on love, I think that I need to be alone a bit more before I go ahead with anything like that. Yeah.  I think I need to be alone, and just single for just that little bit longer.

Sigh. Would kill to have Tze Ni here to whisper sweet nothings in my ears though. To just have her be her usual playful self and just mess around in bed with me. To just cuddle and hold each other. I don't know, I miss the little things. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it really is. I'm just a bit tired at the moment I suppose. Tired of missing. I will get back into it soon enough, probably tomorrow. Meh. I wonder if she ever feels the same way about me anymore. I wonder if things have reached their end with her. I wonder if she really wants to move on from me, I wonder if she really wishes for that, I wonder if she really can.

So much questions to be honest, without much answers left. I really don't know, and the fact that I don't know... eats into me slowly. Time will tell, but at the same time, time can't move fast enough.

Good night Tze Ni. I love you. Sweet dreams

hamster off and out.

10:30am

Here's something different for a change, morning writing. Okay, while not entirely new to me, it's still one of those things I don't do particularly often, so meh, I think that makes it more than count.

MMMMMM..... mmmmmmmm...... MMMMMM!!!! Just thinking about things now. Things with Alexis, things with Tze Ni, stuff like that. Mostly things with Alexis to be honest, and how... despite having flirted with her and stuff like that, the most I can pull up with my connection with her is... awh, that's nice. In that sense, it's kind of sad to be honest. She's a nice girl, and arguably, she may even match me better than Tze Ni. She likes anime/manga, she seems to be someone who may need me more than Tze Ni, she seems to enjoy talking to me and things like that... and yet... AND YET... I feel that the connections and ties to her are so... minimal and just... bleh. It's so much of that that it actually disappoints me to be honest. In the end, I flirt with her just to amuse myself, and just to see how much I can get away with to be honest, without having an inch of feeling for her in that sense. For example, if someone were to ask me what she means to me, possibly all that I could answer you is that she's a cool friend of mine whom I enjoy flirting with. Does this constitute as leading her on? making use of her? abusing her? I really hope not to be honest. In that sense, I am almost interested to see if she can really change any of my feelings for her into something more than just friends and stuff, though at this point I find it highly unlikely.

That brings then to question though, what are my ties to Tze Ni precisely. Arguably, we don't really have all that much in common. She's in the field of Economics, while I'm a designer in games and I love tech, while she enjoys a bit more of politics and well... people. Two different people from two really different worlds that don't really collide if I ever heard of it. Yet, what really brought us both together in the beginning? What made us so hopelessly in love with each other for a good two years or so, constantly loving each other and wanting to spend time with each other, and any form of separation hurting us, arguably even up till now? What really, binds us together, is I suppose the real question at hand. I start to feel that in the core of it all, we're actually two very similar people, in terms of what we want, but really different in terms of how we go about in achieving it I suppose. If you asked me now, and even anytime in the future from right now, what is so special about her, I wouldn't be able to answer you. I really wouldn't, because I myself don't really know anymore. I don't know what's so special about her, yet all I know is that I love her and I want to be with her. It's like this strange connection to things where I say, I don't know what it is about this car that I like, but I totally want it, even if it's old and beat up and keeps on stalling and stuff. I still want it.

Okay, that kind of equivalency is not a very good one, she's obviously better than that (I hope), but it's the idea of it. This is why sometimes I believe that the both of us are still somewhat fated to be with each other, and it scares me. It really does scare me to be honest, because if, and IF, even on the days when she may absolutely repulse me, I still find myself drawn to her, for whatever reason, then... that's almost like a vice is it not? You're just hopelessly addicted to something that you just want more of it o_O Maybe. Okay, not that bad, but close enough. This is why it scares me that she will be back not long from now (read 5 months), and everything just has that possibility and chance to just.... converge once again, for no real good reason apart from the fact that we possibly miss being together. It scares me because then, there may be no real depth to our relationship together as people, rather than the fact that we're just supposed to. To this, when and if the time comes, I will possibly find myself saying otherwise and feeling otherwise, but just take it as if I have been brainwashed to feel so and that I am forever lost. Maybe.

To date, I found myself unblocking her feed from my Facebook. I don't mind seeing it anymore, and I don't like blocking stuff anyway. Her chats with me on like Whatsapp and stuff are still deleted, but it's not something that I really care about anymore anyway, so... yeah. I still feel a slight pull and a slight warmth when I see her name on Facebook and stuff, which is a lot more than anyone else in my life at the moment, at least on Facebook. I still do love her, though I don't know why. I do not have any answers for you here, mostly because I don't know them myself. I ask myself these questions, and no answers come to mind.

I love you Tze Ni, and I don't know why. Why do I love you indeed. Why.

hamster off and out.

meh

Don't really feel like posting much today. Slow day with nothing much going on. I actually slept at like 10:30, and then woke up at 3:30, and have been awake since then, up to now >_>

I find myself tired, or just... filled with tiring events. It's a slow day, where my neurons are firing slower than usual. Nothing in particular running through my brain... just tired I suppose. Not really thinking about her that much today, or missing her too much, which I deem to be a good thing. It's good when you're not feeling all awh all day, though of course, there are the nice parts about it, like feeling high at the high bits. I still miss her I guess, but it's much more bearable today.

Idk what else to say, maybe I'll just make today's posting super short. I am enjoying myself by being a little bit more flirtatious, though nothing too serious, rather me just being playful without expecting anything or trying to get into anything deep. It's fun actually, and it's one of those things that even with a girlfriend I don't really stop doing... except, well, you know, I know my limits and boundaries, and who says that I can't be extra flirtatious with my girlfriend as well eh? :P hahahaha Besides, getting her just that little bit more jealous as well is fun XD

Anyway, yeah. Short post. Want to head off now. 6:20am, and I need to get additional rest. Nite blog... And yeah... Nite Tze Ni :) I do love you. Mwah

hamster off and out.

Yet another day.

Back in bed, and back here, doing a little bit more writing. It doesn't really die down very well to be honest. The more I think about it, or even if I leave it alone, the more it comes up. I think of what if I was given the choice to get any girl I want, and I will end up with that girl for life and things like that, and I would still choose Tze Ni. At this point, I don't know if I'm blinded or not. I may be. I may just be. Even then, I believe that the love I have for her is real.

In the end, I still love her, and I still want to believe that whatever we have in between us, is real. All those times we travelled together, all those things she wrote to me, all those times she said that she was the happiest girl alive when she was with me... I want to believe that there is weight in them, and I want to believe that they mean something. I don't believe her to be the kind of girl who says things just in the heat of the moment, and you know, what she says then carries no meaning. I also refuse to believe that someone else like me just does not exist anymore. How can that possibly be. I don't know. I believe that in the end, whether she's lying or not, she's doing things to try and forget about me and move on to be honest. I believe that it's what she's doing.

The music that I listen to, and every step of the way in my travels, it seems that the only thing that I really think about is her, and about us. I really miss being us. I miss seeing her smile, and I miss hugging and holding her. I think a lot and A LOT about how things would play out in the event we got back together, and I can tell you exactly how it looks like to me in my head, but I'll hold that back in reserve at the moment. I may jinx it after all. We don't know that. Regardless, I still believe that there's something there between us that can't really be denied. The fact that she was hesitant to say anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings somewhat gave it away already, despite having separated for quite some time already. The fact that we have not really shunned each other from our lives is another thing, as I believe that still being friends with your ex, is really a sign of something. I believe in that sense, that whatever is going on now, and whatever is going to happen, it all holds meaning to a larger picture, and I want to believe that I understand it I suppose, and well, of course I will take steps into understanding it. This is why I say that the bonds we have together have not been fully cut at all. I don't really believe that it has been. Perhaps it's me being stupid and silly, but hey, I believe in it.

I believe as much that, even if she's seeing someone else right now, he won't be able to live up to as much as I was, and that she'll somewhat be haunted by this, and well, she'll grow disenchanted with him because of it. I know I sound quite sure and well like a prick, but I don't know. I just believe in it. I may be wrong again, but hey, whatever right. My blog my rules. Sigh. I just love her that much, and I believe in us THAT much.

I think of it time and time again, and I try and figure out if there's a way for me to make things better, to just fix things and just make it right, and I realise that nothing else will get better, unless we're in the same country together. The only thing that I can do, is not make it worse. Indeed, the best thing I can do, is to do nothing, in so many ways. Believe it or not, it's the smartest move. Nothing can be helped while we're so far away from each other after all, but in time, and in coming time, it'll all come apart, and with nothing holding us back from each other, I wonder what indeed will happen to the both of us. I wonder whether she'll come back with another guy though. Not that I would be unhappy in that sense, after all, as I said, if she's happy, then I seriously am happy, but you know... the idea sort of plagues me.

I realise that I may be thinking too much of this subject, but I assure you, that it's not exactly voluntary for me now. She's pretty much all I think about, and we are all that I care about now, and I figured that if I gave it that much more screen time, things will get better and I will learn to move on from the subject, if not make it stronger. Still, that's for time to tell, whether it's something that can actually come out of my system, or it's something that is so deeply embedded and rooted in me that it just does not come out like this, no matter how much I may try. All like physical attachments to her aside, I mean taking away all the things we may have done... physically, as a couple, I feel connected to her on a deeper level. Maybe I'm wrong but I just feel it. ><

Well, I am like really tired, so I may go ahead and crash and fall asleep now... I really do want to write more about her and things like that, but I find myself too tired to even continue writing coherently and nicely. :|

Well good night blog. I'm heading off to bed now >< I'll continue writing in tomorrow :<

night night. I love you Tze Ni :) mwah mwah... kisses loves and hugs...

hamster off and out

Another late night.

I find myself relaxing on the bed now, a little bit calmer than the other days, but still missing her none the less. It's been quite a bit on me, and I have talked to Chad a little bit about it. I am still in love with her, and I still want to be in love with her is somewhat of the general consensus, and I don't see anything really wrong about it, apart from maybe the number of people who may call me stupid or whatever. Doesn't matter, screw them.

I told him about doing the things that the heart wants more than doing the things that the brain deemed to be right and correct, and I stick very true to that idea. I believe in this idea at least, and foolish as I may sound with this, I still want to believe in the idea of us. As I have said before, I have all but given up on that idea, and I do believe that it has to really mean something, the time we spent together. It really has to mean something, because I know of no one who can really say or do these things without meaning a word that they said, or without any of those feelings being at least even the slightest bit true. For the most part as well, I believe in it even more because she's a girl.

I still think that her reason to say that to me was to pretty much leave her alone, and not so much as bug her with anything or any ideas of like... us at all. I believe this is because she still has feelings for me, and I believe that the things she has said to me was a lie, and I pull this information of course from how much I know her, and her behavioural pattern. To me, it just doesn't sit right, and I think I stand by that gut feeling of mine. She has always been this kind of girl, and this is really no different from what she has done before except that in a more... extreme form I suppose. Call it a gut feeling, but I really don't think she's seeing someone else right now. I don't know for sure, but I still think it's something to go by, and even if I'm wrong, it's still okay. I will go by it and I believe in it. I don't know. Call me stupid or call me silly, but I really still believe in the idea of us, and I still really want to believe in it I guess. It just means that much to me I suppose, and well... Yeah, 'We' in that sense, means that much to me.

I suppose I pose this question to God and whoever may be out there. Am I doing the wrong thing? is it right of me to do this? am I being stupid? I want to ask myself this question each time to be honest, because I really don't know. I feel that I'm doing the right thing, and that It will all work out if I really believe in it enough, but it's really something that I don't really know despite believing in it ardently. It's just such a variable that I can't really compensate for and all of my guesses so far and of the things that she may do, have been very far from the truth of what she ended up doing that I start to doubt in my ability to read her and you know, predict her next moves and things like that. It seems that then the distance between us is such a strong driving factor that she'd rather bury it all and not think about it, than looking at any brighter side of things and working things out. Even if she won't though, I still believe in us, and the possibility of us. I believe that one day if I am resilient enough, things will work out. Does that mean though that I am really giving no chances to other girls in terms of where my love goes? I guess so. Somewhat so at least. I mean, if they loved me enough, I'd expect them to just take me away from this and just show me something else to love. Maybe it's too big of an expectation then, but it's the least I can expect from a girl who wants to date me and well, knows that I'm sort of like this. Now that I think about it, yeah, it's a big hurdle, that somewhat requires someone to be really dedicated from the get go, and I don't think that that kind of person comes by too easily, especially if I don't feed their emotions much as well.

Until then, I suppose I will be myself. I'm naturally quite flirtatious by nature, and I don't think that it's much of a bad thing. It puts a signal out there, much like a radar, and I can see what bounces back at me. On that strange note, I am not sure, but I think I felt some bounce coming back off of Alexis, but you can never be too sure I guess. I'll take my time with that one, and just see how it plays out. I mean, if she really gets to mask my emotions of Tze Ni well... then I'd give her a whirl, and just see how things go, but I'll start small and slow. I don't know though. At some point, I feel that if I actually did go ahead with this, that I'd be giving up the potential for so much, but who's to say that that potential wasn't already lost, and that I'm just holding on to the clouds, merely a wisp without anything of substancial form to it. Who knows. Maybe. I don't want to believe it to be so, as I really want me and Tze Ni to work out, but it's one of the things you'll never know for sure. I really don't know how me and Tze Ni will work out, though on that matter, I can't really see me and Alexis dating as well. Sigh. I see more of a larger chance of me and Tze Ni getting together again, and finally tying the knot than me working it out with Alexis, and just being more than friends, and if you think about it, one is more gargantuan of a task than the other. Obviously, the fact that I root for the larger more impossible to be task seems to hold some matter of fact meaning in all of this.

I don't know blog. I just don't know. I want me and Tze Ni to work out, and I think at this point in time, I'd just do just about anything for it to work. To really exhaust all my resources and time and just see what happens. At this point in time, the most that I have to exhaust is just time, so... I'm just going to dedicate just that and just watch over her and see what happens. People will ask me why I do this, why don't I just move on, and why go through all the trouble, and I will just say... because I love her, and just because. I don't have any other grand or divine reason for it, merely that I love her, and I overlook all of these things and bad shit about her, just for that chance to be with her again, and to just live and enjoy life with her. I just really do love her that much.

Sigh.

Anyway, 5:00am and I hear the birds chirping outside. I think I'm going to head off to bed, so yeah.... Good night blog. Btw, travelling to the city from Upfield is FRACKING EXPENSIVE. ><

Good night Tze Ni, I love you so much. So so so much. So much.

Hamster off and out, Hsin Yang signing off.

5:45am

5:45am and still not much for sleep. I just finished watching premium rush on my tablet, and at the moment, I lay here in bed, just thinking about a few things. The sun is almost up, as I can hear the birds chirping, but... There are more than a few things running through my head at the moment.

Perhaps I'm used to delusions. Perhaps I am used to loving her. Perhaps I really do want it to work out. Perhaps, she really does mean the world to me, and no amount of other girls can really change that for me. Perhaps so. I find myself time and time again coming back to her. I don't care for other girls to be honest. Once separated, I don't care much for Alexis, I don't care much for Alison, I don't care much for Melissa, I don't care much for anyone else. I mean that in a romantic way of course. Perhaps I still want more to come out of this. Perhaps it takes time to break into these other girls... Perhaps another girl may not come along and liberate me from all of this.

My feelings in my heart now are pretty heavy. It's not something I can just push to the side and forget about it, forget it ever happened. I just can't do it. I don't know how she does, but I just can't do it, I am just not that person, and well.. I just... I just don't want to think it was nothing I suppose. Not without a proper ending to this. To have it end like this to be honest is just stupid. To close a chapter this way, would be the worst way imaginable to me, but of course, if it has to be, it has to be. I suppose thats why for me, there's just more than a few things that I have to ascertain for myself. There are more than a few things that I have to know before I decide what happens next. I don't even want to use the term move on much anymore, because that much wouldn't be very true. I don't know if I want to fully move on, at least not yet. It's too soon, and my faith in us has yet to diminish, and is anything but gone.

I'm not in a rush to be in any other kind of relationship, as I shouldn't be as well. When I love someone, I really take it seriously, and I suppose this is a really good example of it. Perhaps this is what her parents see in me, perhaps so. I don't know if she sees any of it in me anymore. I don't know. I don't know if she has given up all hope in me, but a part of me feels that way, that her move to push me away by telling me she's dating and seeing someone new now is just that. I just... don't know. I just don't know very well anymore about what to do, but I know what I want to do. the right thing to do is not what my heart wants to do, and I think at least, just for this time around, I want to listen to my heart more, and give into what I want and just be stubborn and stupid. If I suffer from it, it'll be my own downfall, but I'll be okay with that. She's given me the sign already, and this is just what I want for myself.

I don't really have any shortage of thinking of her in my life. They all creep up on me so fresh and so raw and vibrant, as if they happened not too long ago. All those moments we spent together, the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the just being there for each other... I really loved them. I really did. I really do love her, and I can't use the word did, as that would imply that I do not anymore. That would be false. As far as I know, right now, the me that I am, still loves her as much as I did that very same day that I wanted her freedom. I still do. I still want her freedom and happiness, and that's why I won't do anything on my end. I want to be a self sacrificial bastard, and please, let me do it. I don't care if I die in the end, and it eats me up and devours me, as I go empty and hollow on the inside. This is what I want for myself now. All the skill to get all the kinds of girl in the world doesn't really matter when you can't get the girl that you want. I don't want to break my integrity just yet. It's what I pride myself in, and it's a part of me. To go against that, would be to go against my very being, and to just upheave everything that I am, an just... act beyond me. It's not fair for the other girl as well. As I have told other people about this, any other girl I date at the moment, would just be a mental and emotional escape for me, to forget about Tze Ni. I'll let it roll naturally, and if I lose my love for her in coming time, so be it. If not, I'll proudly say that I love her, with my arms out wide, and loud and proud, ready for any smiting and damnation that may befall me.

I'm okay with people calling me stupid, I'm okay with people calling me silly. I'm okay with people questioning why I do so much just for this one girl. This is just who I am, and the nature of which my being is. I'm selfless at times, and just self sacrificial. The happiness of others is more important than mine, if they mean a lot to me. I am willing to put it all on the line just to see that they're happy, and I will do so as I am now. Short of actually seeing her with another guy, I'm not sure if I will budge at all. My heart stands pretty firm and strong. I am this kind of guy, whether people like it or not. I am loyal and I am perseverant. I do not really give up under any circumstances, and no matter for who, I do not give up. My fight is a silent fight, one that takes place internally, as I do not wish to show it off. No one needs to know how I feel on the inside, and sooner or later, I'll seal myself off from the world again, only to show how I am on the outside as a fake mirror of what I am inside.

I know it's bad, but life for me now is empty. It does not hold much substance and it does not hold much weight. I am not very okay with this, but I realise that the root of the problem may be deeper than what I perceive it to be. I will wait it out, and I will push along the way. I've always been good at doing that. I am okay with living by myself, not really doing much else, and just me being me. I am okay with this. I sold my heart off to Tze Ni already. This is just the plain fact of things now. Sure she may not know how to handle it the best, but I can't expect too much out of people as well. She herself, doesn't know how to handle her own feelings and emotions at times.  I'll hold fast and hold firm, be who I am. If I have to cry, I cry in silence, if I have to weep or mourn, I will do so when the world is asleep or where they won't see. This is part of me saying I won' compromise the integrity of who I am for anything. I chose her to be my first girlfriend for a reason, and I still don't believe that I have made a wrong choice with her. I am still dead serious with Tze Ni, whether she knows it or not, whether she appreciates it or not, whether she thinks that I can get all the girls in the world or not. I do not lose my love for someone that easily, and thats just the nature of me and how I work.

In the end it's just me and this blog. I find my refuge here, I find my peace here, I find my confide here. Sad as it may sound, I don't have any trouble with this. It is an uncompromising, unwavering, unlying documentation of who I am, and what I stand for, that is the belief of a true love. I may be doing it wrong, but I'll never know if I don't find out. It's true enough that whenever I am unsure of myself, I just come back here and read the things that I write. Just by doing that, is enough for me to fully understand the person that I am, the things that I do, the life that I live and the belief in myself and my feelings once again. I'm sorry Alexis, I'm sorry Alison, I'm sorry any other girl whom I may have led on up to this point, without the purest intention of actually dating. I still love Tze Ni, and I feel that I will be making the biggest mistake in the world if I do not at least follow this through, however long it may take me. I'm still fine. I'm only 25 this year, and even if you consider ripe age for marriage and stuff like that, I've still got years ahead of me to work things out again. Even if I can't reach my goal of getting married then before I hit 30... that's okay with me, as long as I have exhausted everything, and I move forward without regret or doubt in my head.

That's the main reason why I won't go with any other girl at the moment. I know that if I do so, I will hit a snag of regret and doubt, the questioning of what could have been, and what was, and what I should have done to make it better. I am not going to live through that. I can live without dating other girls, I won't have any regret in that. My curiosity towards them doesn't stem as far as that, and in terms of priority... sorry girls, Tze Ni is just that much more ahead of you girls. She may not be perfect, she may have a terrible way of treating me, she may be emotional and just that much more unstable, she may be stupid in the way she deals with things, she has this annoying knack of making me worried about her, she makes me have the worst nightmares I have EVER had, she may be my worst every kryptonite, but by the gods, I still love her, and I love her more than anyone else on this earth, and I love her with everything in my heart. No matter how much she may hurt me, push me down and step on me, unintentionally or intentionally, I still love her with all my heart, and to me, that's important and it means something. I think by the end of this month, I'll follow up with Justin and see what's the real lowdown. I want to know. I need to know. Even if I won't move on straight away, I want to know.

In e end I crave to hold her in my arms once again. I crave to hold her and to hug her, to tell her that I love her, every single day, without getting tired of it, without needing to be asked to say it. I love her that much, and I believe that there is something in this love of mine. She may not love me as much at the moment, or maybe she may have never had, but call me silly and optimistic then, I believe that in time things will work out fine, and things... will just work out. I miss the days that I had with her, the ones where we just sit on the couch, and hold each other, and she would fall asleep in my arms, and I would kiss her on her head. I miss the days when she would sneak into my room when her parents were asleep, just to be with me, to give me kisses and love, and just to look into my eyes as I looked into hers and watched as they shone brighter than any moon I had ever seen, accompanied with a smile that knew how to make me smile as well. I know that there is meaning behind those eyes, and that face, and I know that I have rooted in something deeper than just another boyfriend. I believe in it. I won't try to equate my love for her for any other experiences that I see on television, or any of the other experiences that my friends may have or had. I know my relationship with Tze Ni the best, and I trust in it, no matter how things are now, no matter the words said and no matter how broken the hearts may be. I am strong enough to mend my own broken heart, and to continue smiling at her, because I know that I love her with all my heart, and I am not petty or grudgeful to seek revenge or anything of the like. At least not in the traditional sense.

I don't care if this blog becomes stale and boring with the very same words all over again. This is really how I feel, and I won't pull out of it for anything or anyone, no matter 4 more years or 5 more years, I am confident that I will feel more of the same towards the whole thing. I love her, and not much of anything or anyone is going to change that. I love her, and I am going to see how this all plays out and pans out, even if I have to do it all alone, even if I have to face the world alone, even if it takes all the sacrifices in the world, I will do it.

I will do it because I love her. I will do it because I love you Tze Ni.

hamster off and out. Hsin Yang signing out.

Melbourne

Writing this while I'm on the bed, and god damn does it feel good to be in a bed with a nice meaty blanket. I missed this stuff >< hahahaha. I'm probably going to fall asleep as soon as I give myself a chance to... so... No reserves on me staying awake for long.

Chad's parents are a real nice bunch, and though they don't speak much of english, they do try to accomodate me and be nice and so forth, and it's more than what I can ask for really, I do not like imposing on others, same like with Tze Ni's parents, same with Chad's parents.

The irony of being in Melbourne is that I find that I miss Tze Ni that much more, and I miss being us so much more and I just love her that much more. I am not even sure if this is so much as normal anymore, it's just weird for me to be honest. I almost expected myself to be able to move on perfectly and fine and what not, but it seems that love has a larger hold on me than what I expected it to. I'm not really complaining though, but it's just one of those things I guess.

I miss her. I miss being us, and I miss being able to love her freely. I want to be able to do all of those again, but I don't know when and if it is actually possible to do so. In a strange way, I'm looking forward to her coming back next year... even that chance for something to happen is something that interests me I guess. I'll just have to see how it goes from there. If she's really dating someone in London though... then I don't want to break her happiness by doing anything unnecessary. Sigh. What can I say right. My love is eternally giving, and always sacrificial. It's not really something I can control either.

Fuck I love her >< this is going to be really hard to find someone new... zzz

hamster off and out.

Her

On the plane at the moment, on my flight back to Melbourne, to attend my graduation as well as deal with some stuff along the way. I thought that I'd write in for a while before I take a nap of sorts.

Yesterday I had an opportunity to tell Alexis that I liked her. More than a few opportunities. I didn't take them. It didn't seem really all that right to me. I like her, but I think that's about it as far as my feelings for Alexis goes. Whether in the future it transpires into something else of course, is unknown to me, as anything can happen, but I can at least ascertain my feelings at the moment, while I have my own space and quiet time to think things out.

I think the truth behind it all is that I also don't want to start anything because I'm not over Tze Ni. Obviously. She meant a lot to me, and the events of the few weeks past have been more than just big I suppose. I am in many ways as well, unsure on how to deal with it, but to me at the moment, I think that the more logical answer and solution would be for me to just wait it out and wait and see what happens. Stupid or not, she has made her own decision, a decision that inherently meant for me to leave her alone, so that she could get over me. I will adhere to this, so long as she doesn't come to me again doing something silly. I don't know about that, but as I said, I think the only real way at the moment is to play things by ear and see how it goes from there.

I still do love her, and I don't think I can lie very much about that. It just feels like such a pity though, if I was the only one who had such strong feelings over us and our relationship. I really wish it won't be so, but if it does go along that area, I'll just have to learn to accept it and move on. In the meantime, I am giving myself the opportunity to fall in love with other girls, and get to know them better and things like that. This of course, isn't limited to just other girls as well, I suppose the same can be said about me falling in love with Tze Ni again. I would be willing to let it happen of course, provided that this time around if it did, I would be treated a lot more better in this relationship. After all, if we did get back together again, she would really owe me one.

I do really only wish for her happiness in the end. I suppose that's one of the reasonings I have to why I really want to see her with another guy, and use that as my master key to know that she's really happy, and that she's not just lying to me. I really suspect that she may be, and that puts me in discomfort, to put it lightly.

I suppose in the end, for me, what it really boils down to is that I'm really a loyal guy. I really don't jump girls, and I stick with one, until I know that it's absolutely not going to work. Maybe that or I'm just really in love with Tze Ni. I don't know if I can say the same for any other girl that I may end up dating in the future you know? it's hard to say, but I have this lingering feeling that I won't really love them as much as I did Tze Ni... or rather, as I do Tze Ni now. It takes more than a while and more than a bit for someone to really reach this stage I suppose, and well... here I am.

I have this feeling though, and I may be wrong, that we were somewhat fated together. I may be really wrong on this, and I prefer really if it wasn't so (rather than fate, I would have preferred it if we were just together because we loved each other. Really), but it is this lingering gut feeling that somewhat eats into me.

I don't know what else to say really. I don't. The only thing I really know now is that I love her, and since I'm really the only one who reads my own blog now... I'll write it out as it is for me. I really do love her so much that I'm just that much willing to drop other girls and things just to make it work... Maybe. I mean like if it's not that big. If it's small things... To this, I say that I'm actually afraid of next year, and what will really happen then. Will we meet up again? will it even come close to happening? what would happen then? would be get back together again? Is she really seeing someone new? how is she doing with him? is she happy?

I always thought that having given the answer and supposedly that closure, that the questions would somewhat cease to exist, but I suppose that in that sense I couldn't be more wrong. They never stop. I receive answers to age old questions, new ones pop up, and it repeats itself somewhat till I find the truth and the meaning behind all of this.

I think the part that sucks for me at the moment, is more of the fact that no one told me that having a love life would be this difficult and time consuming hahahaha >< I thought I could try and uncomplicate my life, but it seems that that's not really likely to happen anytime soon. The most that I can do at the moment is pretty much make sure that I knock off everything else that I have to do, and take things slowly. The whole thing with Tze Ni now... with Alexis... I'll take them slowly. Perhaps I want to try and discover my feelings for Alexis a little bit more, before I start to pursue it, to see if it's worthwhile and it's something I want.

I think that's pretty much all that I have to say for now. I'm gonna chill to some music and get some rest. Love you baby.

hamster off and out.

You’re still a whisper on my lips

You
You

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

Screams till I remember, that every good thing dies.

Lying here, in your arms
I feel completeness
Though your eyes, strip me bare
I feel completeness

But the fear, inside… it lies.
Stalking every corner
Of my mind, where it hides
Screams till I remember.
That every good thing dies.

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

Closure.

I just realised that I can’t sleep. Not that I can’t sleep per se, but I’m not really allowed to sleep if that makes more sense. I have to send my brother off early in the morning and so I have less than 3 hours left before I have to leave the house, I figured there’s not going to be much use in me sleeping now. I’ll stay awake and drink a little bit more. I need it to help keep my mind off things anyway.

So, to keep my blog in the loop of things, she did message me and call me just now. She messaged me and called me to wish me happy belated birthday (thank you), and to say that she’s actually begun seeing someone new at her University. I have to admit that right now as I am, about a few hours from when I got the news, I still am holding out quite fine. As they say, the mourning period is sort of over, and this is the closure that I needed to move on forwards I suppose. I cried ages ago over this, and right now, I don’t feel like crying at all. I wouldn’t say I’m perfectly at peace, but I can tell you that my mind is at peace having almost instinctively erased everything from my head to the point that I can’t remember what being in a relationship with her was like. I am guessing that If I really try hard enough to remember, that it’ll come to me, but at the moment, I don’t really care all to much, and I’m not going to try. I think my mental sanity safeguard in that sense is working quite well and it’s done a damn fine job at it for that matter.

What does that leave me with then? Well, if you want to think of it this way, I actually feel the most free and liberated than I have in the past few years. Not to say that being in a relationship with her wasn’t fun, and trust me, it was, but the last few years for me have been quite the bummer without her being very decisive on things. I’m good. I’m happy. Yeah, I actually am happy. I’m at ease and I’m calm (possibly the help of Jack here, but we’ll leave that up to debate.) So… I guess I’m free to move now, to make a move on any other girl now hahaha… The sad part being of course, that I have actually taken an interest in Alexis, and I know that it’s sort of unhealthy at this point, but I do like her :| I’d want to take things slow though, but if I think about it, with her being all… you know, Jocelyn’s cousin and all, she’d be really open to sex and stuf >.> It’s a bad topic to talk about, but it’s something that has got me more than curious, so shut up and listen to it. It could be interesting ._. lol.

In the end, what does it all come down to? I’m not bitter, and I’m not you know… Anti Tze Ni or something. Not what you’d expect at least. I still respect her that much for ending it well and heeding to my wishes, so yeah, I think it’s hit it’s best possible ending at this point, a bit forced, but I’ll get over it more than easily. (In fact, I was surprised myself at how much I just forgot about Tze Ni as soon as I had Alexis and Jocelyn over… Mostly coz of Alexis, but… we’ll consider that later.) One would ask me, was it worth it? was it worth it being loyal to her, loving her until the end of things? I would say, yes. I would give a hearty yes, and I would say that I have no regrets. Sure I’m a little bit disappointed that our little dream didn’t really come true, but that doesn’t really matter to me at this point. I mean, the future is an endless plethora of possibilities, and the possibility, of course, still hold true that we MAY get back together one day, though I can assure you, if that day ever comes, it’ll be her asking me back, and not the other way around. My conscience is clear and I am loving myself for it. I love the way I deal with things. hahaha. I’m not going to harp on that possibility though. Now that my constraints have been fully cut, I would really want to see how things go with other girls. I’m like this animal finally with it’s chain cut and stuff :< hahahaha

I know that with me writing all of this, it makes it sound as if that through this whole past year, I did not love her at all. I’d like to weight in on that to say that that’s not true at all. I really did love her with all my heart, and I really did care for her with all my heart. I’m happy that she found someone new to take care of her, and I really hope that he does, but at this point, for me, although I know that I did love her ( I still do, but I’ve already started a memory wipe on my cognitive self) I’ve already begun with the preparations to fully move on with life, and well, life without her really isn’t all that bad anyway. hahahah.

I know it sounds really bad at this stage, but I wonder if anything would ever come out with me and Alexis. :| I don’t really want to try at this point, not because it’s too soon, but… well… yeah. I just don’t. I feel that right now though, I may be just a little bit on the fragile side though. I feel that one wrong move could have me you know… Losing control of my emotional self and having sex with whoever (which I almost fear will be Melissa, because she’s coming over tomorrow, but I’ll try my best to keep it all in my pants. Who knows, I am sure things will be a lot better tomorrow. Besides, better Alexis than Melissa : D TEEHEE.) Hmmm… Yeah. In the end, the only real place I have to talk to for all of this is my blog. I have tried it with other people, I have tried it with Tze Ni, I have tried it with friends and family… it all just does not work as well. The blog listens and the blog does not question back, the blog just… takes it all in I suppose.

Brb, moar whiskey :| Okay, so I’m back. Look. I gave it all that I was for Tze Ni. I really did. I never did skimp on the details, I was a perfectionist at it right up until the end. I tried my best, and if it didn’t work out, what do I have to be ashamed of right? what indeed to I have to be ashamed or sad about. I loved her, but she didn’t love me as much as I did her, so be it. I can live with that. The strangest thing now is that I don’t feel a cent or a dime anymore for Tze Ni. I am not sure if it’s only for today, but it almost feels as if it’s transcended onto that level of… well… Osheenn. Like how when I type her name, albeit not yet the same, because I still feel a LITTLE bit when I write it out, I mostly feel nothing but good memories, and respect. I am really glad I live my life this way. I am really happy that I do, and well… yeah. I think that my mourning period is some what over now, and that I’m free to move on.

The wonders of blogging it all out and feeling contended and at peace. I still keep a lot of what I had with her though. I still find myself very environmentally friendly now, more than before, and I find that I want to exercise more, and do exciting things :o hmm. Even that half marathon is still on the tablet imho. See? This is how I know that I really said everything with pure intent, and that I really did give it a 110% :3 In the end, I’m happy. I’m good. I’m satisfied. I am ready to move on, being a slightly more changed person than I was before, and I will admit that she helped to form me into who I am now, whether she actually gets to reap the benefits of it later in life… well… that’s for HER to play around with. I’m a free man BITCH! : D

Hahaha, yes. People say that I’m strange, and I think I can understand why. I don’t think my way of living is flawed though. I give everything it’s fullest shot, and I had my cooldown period already, so… MEH! Fuck you if you think what I’m doing is wrong right? :P hahahah. Indeed, fuck you if you think it is. I don’t have any tears to cry or frowns to spare anymore. I’m happy and I know it. :)

 

TIME TO BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER.

 

HAMSTER OFF AND OUT (believe it or not, actually excited :|)

Happy 25.

A little bit of mid baking blogging. Baking my own Chocolate cake today, trying something a little different, apart from being the first time I'm actually baking a cake. I'm going for a flourless cake, so lets see how this all turns out. Could be a good or a bad thing, but lets see shall we...

Needless almost to say, there's a lot of missing Tze Ni going on today, and well, yeah. I just do. I love her and I miss her. Hahaha. Funny thing is that I went and looked at Justin's birthday which Sandra took, (which funnily enough, I never really knew that his birthday was like 4 days before mine) and I actually saw her in the photos. Now, if that sentence sounds a bit weird, that's because I was taken aback a little when I saw the photos hahaha. In those photos, she kinda looked... almost like an older auntie in terms of dressing style and what not, to the point that I found it actually quite funny hehe :P Regardless though, as... unflattering as they may have been, I still love her, even for her... uhm... not so flattering moments or looks hahaha. What can I say right... I'm a dedicated man :)

I have been scolded quite a lot these few days, for my somewhat undying love for Tze Ni. People have called me stupid, worried for me, things like that. I suppose that in many ways it really is silly, and well... Melissa even says that I do not deserve to be treated like this, considering I've done nothing wrong. I know this. I know this very very well, and yet despite having heard it time and time again, I have to say that I'm still unwavered by it all. I really do love her, and it really doesn't matter to me, all these things. I know I am strong. I know I can take more than a hit. I know I will make it through, the only thing that worries me is being left alone with this feeling. Even then, that isn't all too bad. I can still deal with that, as long as I know I tried.

All I can say to you is that this is how I am, and I see things through to the end, and I don't give up on them half way. I must know my answers before anything can happen. In this case, I must know if we would ever work back again, rather than chopping it up to, I'm hurting now and it's painful, hence I'll back out from it. I'm sorry, I'm not like that. When I love, I love completely and whole heartedly, and this means taking all the suffering and pain that comes with as well.

I am one who does not run away as soon as things get tough. Enough said.

I love Tze Ni, and I'm gonna try to make this work, and if it doesn't, then it's still okay. I walk out conscience free and clean.

Mwah. KISSES LOVES AND HUGS. You have no idea.