Tired.

 Tiredness.

I just feel so mentally drained from all of this.

I feel so worn out.

We have this bloody pandemic at play and people who help to prolong it longer than it needs

We have work related stress in which my best lead as of yet did not get back to me for a month; I think I very well know the outcome, still it would've been professional of them to at least keep me in the loop.

One more month of runway which will be burnt this week, and then I have to see what I can do once more to extend.

This inability to hit what I want to hit is eating away at me, bit by bit.

Couple that together with what I deem to be selfish behaviour on the part of Christine. It's like using my kid as a hostage in many ways, with sometimes what feels like no real intent to remedy it because of the "nicer" life that she's having in Kajang.

Perpetuating this mindset by making herself somehow believe that she's extremely oppressed here, when majority of what she deems as this pressure onto herself is just self inflicted pressure; No one expects anything of what she thinks of her, and no one is judging her for it. All of us just want to live a happy life, and while we may throw some jokes along the way, some in poor taste, none are meant to be malicious or harmful in that sense, and in fact a lot of them aren't even structed in that way to begin with. 

Throwing yourself into believing that somehow there's this pressure and observation onto you, trying to find the harm in every little word that is said or action that is done, and slowly spiraling into that den of mistrust and doubt and just refusing to accept otherwise.

Regardless if it is in another place, in our own place, the underlying issue still exists. No one is inherently as evil as we make them out to be. Listen, get to know them better before forming this kind of blanket around them and define them. No one is perfect, and that's fine, but understand that no one is inherently malicious either.

This kind of attitude of thinking that the people around you are judging you and thinking badly of you is a vicious cycle that just constantly eat at you, and just retreating into your shell, your safe zone, your denial to want to get to know other people is absolutely detrimental and will lead to nowhere.

But in the end you won't listen to me. You don't seem to be listening. Instead you push the goalpost further and further, making it sound like a bloody compromise like it's really the worst thing in the world to be right here to me I find is absolutely appalling.

I don't know anymore. I'm just tired. I'm just absolutely fucking tired. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of caring, and I'm tired of wondering if maybe I myself am overthinking all of it.

I'm tired. I just want to switch off and just not care, but even I know that doing that will lead things to be worse than what they are now. 

I also know that I cannot let you have full reign and give in to your delusions; to allow you to live in those delusions, is to reaffirm and support it, and I cannot allow that to happen. One way or another you have to know that something is wrong somewhere, and the moment that you realise that, and get your head out of your fucking ass and realise that there is a problem and you're part of it, the better things will be.

For now, I'm just tired. I want to care, but I don't have the capacity to care anymore, not right now. I have cared too much, in the past few months, even if she doesn't seem to want to think that I have that I have basically burnt out of my cares.

I'm tired. I just want some peace and happiness, especially in this god forsakened landscape, but clearly I'm not getting it.

I'll deal with it somehow.

Stop myself from talking and saying anything brash, keep my silence, form my cool, and formulate a way to approach it.

Where did I go wrong. What paths did I take to land me here.

I don't know, but it's time to stop thinking for a while.

I need reprieve.

Conflict, about 4 years to brew, with a 4 month catalyst.

 4 Months led up to this. In many ways the outcome is not unexpected. One could say that the reason for the nervousness was precisely because of this. If anything it just reaffirms what I've already somewhat known would happen, the early onset of trouble, exacerbated by the pandemic, perhaps to not much surprise either.

It's difficult to draw right from wrong; there are none. Both sides have valid arguments to their points, and to invalidate one is to invalidate their feelings. In the end, I have no answers, at least not just yet, and maybe it's foolhardy of me to expect answers within the first few hours; no, situations like these aren't ones that are solved in a day. If such a complex web of fuckery took just as long to set itself up, surely it's not that much of a small issue so as to be able to be unraveled within a day.

Doing nothing is also not really an option. As someone who has gotten quite good at projecting and forecasting outcomes, I know how bad things can turn out if not handled properly. To no obvious surprise then, the last thing I want for my daughter is to grow up within the fuckery, so it'd be pertinent of me to try and resolve the issue to the best that I can, while she still isn't really able to grasp the complexities of interrelationships.

Sigh. 

In the end what is it do I do though.

Mom's attitude is one that while I obviously do not approve of, is something that I've gotten very much used to ignoring and not taking to heart for the most part, but it's of course not easy for me to expect the same of someone else; She can be very crass and brutish and bitch-ish I know, and I don't deny it.

On the other I do feel that it would be beneficial for Christine to learn how to grow a thicker skin; if not for dealing with my mom, then dealing with people in the future. Reduce the amounts that words affect you, learn to tune out and just don't be bothered too much by the words of others. Of course, easier said than done. This is something that I've honed over the last few decades of my life, and to expect someone to be able to do it effectively is silly.

The third factor has of course got something to do with Rei herself. I don't want her growing up in an environment in which she learns all the wrong kinds of habits from her grandparents. They have their points and they mean well for the most part, but just as with every other person, they're not perfect, and they have their share of toxicity.

The end result still might have more to do with family confrontation, but who knows if it'll even make any difference in the end; it might just be all for naught.

To no obvious extent something like this puts a dent in my mental health. It makes me feel as if x y z was avoidable had things been different on the financial front, that all of this would not be an issue had I had enough money, but the amounts that I would have needed is no small sum either; houses aren't exactly the cheapest thing in the world.

Still, it does make me feel very powerless within this situation, with not much right going for on at the moment, with me hoping that my big break would come sooner than later, with me hoping that Malaysia would get it's fucking act together and deal with this pandemic, both government and rakyat.

It feels like riding a storm. This uneasy feeling sitting within my gut, so long as I do not find the most amicable outcome.

One way or another though, something tells me that conflict is really going to be unavoidable.

I really do hope for the best, if not for me, then my daugther.

The last thing I'd want for her is to grow up in a broken family.

Two words of the day :- Fulfilment & Satisfaction

It has really been a while since I wrote anything on this blog, but time and time again, I find myself needing to come back to it, to express my deepest most thouhts and just... maybe make sense of the chaos going on around me and in my life.

The two words of the day are fulfilment and satisfaction, because I feel like I'm in this kind of depression rut once again, and I think that if I think about it deep down, the issues stem from these two things. I mean it really doesn't help that we're in the middle of a bloody global pandemic, and it means that I can't really go anywhere, I can't really travel anywhere, I can't do much except look at the same things every single day.

Yes, I know that I do have a wife and a kid now as well, and while I do love them dearly, I can tell you one thing right now; I don't know if I get fulfilment and satisfaction in our interpersonal relationships right now, and I don't think that the fault is theirs as much as it is mine.

To me this really all comes down to my life and what I've been doing and well, the progress of what I call my life's work. Those things haven't really given me fulfilment in a long while even after a long while of working on it, but don't get me wrong, I still get satisfaction from it; it's just that after years and years and years of working on it, not being able to show any real tangible results to anyone, not even myself, is really bad at living what I'd call a fulfilling life.

Now, I perfectly understand that what I'm doing takes time and patience to be done, and I understand that that feeling of fulfilment is once again delayed because of the recent shift into another project. It still doesn't change much of anything though, because in the end, ever since the day I set back foot into this country and pursued my path in life, I haven't had much of a sense in fulfilment.

Each day I try and keep my chin up and try and not feel down or useless or frustrated in this, telling myself that this is going to be the one, and while it's somewhat effective for a while, I can't deny that it eats into me and chips away at my soul and being every single day. I love what I do, and I can't see myself doing anything else but this, but without that fulfilment that I crave, it really eats into me like crazy.

Things like playing games helps to fill that void a little. Winning a game, especially a hard one gives a temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, but in the end, it's just that, temporary and fleeting. The same can be said for things like 3D Printing, repairing stuff, doing my YouTube channel... they're all really temporary and fleeting.

It really doesn't help when people keep badgering me as well, telling me that I'm not doing things right, that I'm doing things wrongly, like there's even things that I damn well very well know that I'm probably not making the right choices, not doing the things that I should be doing, focusing and prioritizing on the things that I should, but it really REALLY comes down to that idea of self preservation as well, and just me.... trying really hard to retain my sanity throughout all of this.

Retaining my sanity; Trust me when I say that, because I mean that with all seriousness, no joke. I find myself many other times on the edge of my wits and sanity, I start to imagine things I shouldn't, start to imagine things that I know I shouldn't do, and sometimes those imaginations can feel so damn real and convincing that it feels like it's the reality that should occur. It's a seriously disturbing thing that I sometimes even think about these things, but I can't really help it. I feel just so... laboured with everything that is going on around me, day after day the pressure just continuously mounting on me, just thrown on my back, fueled by words from myself and others with things like "you're not doing it right", "you can't do anything right", "why don't you do things properly".

Part of me wishes that maybe I had more words of encouragement and support with things like this, but part of me also feels like they don't really do anything, they're just really more placebo than anything else, and that nothing much else can save and help me except for the larger senses of fulfilment and satisfaction from the purposes in my life.

What happens if I have miscalculated all of this though? What happens if that purpose and reason and thing that I feel will give me that fulfilment and satisfaction is wrong and when I achieve it, I still feel hollow and empty?

I don't know. I would not want to think of such a thing. Perhaps we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For now though, at least writhing on this blog once again, just letting my mind, soul and heart unwind seems to be helpful and beneficial to my sanity and well-being as I find myself  having a bit of that weight lifted off me, and that I can breathe a bit deeper and better.

Hopefully I don't have to write like this too often though. Pretty much the only times that I write here are the moments when I'm at my most extremes... hopefully the next time will be more positive.

That's all the thoughts I have for now.

Till next time Yang, stay safe, stay sane, keep your head on your shoulders