Failure? Not an Option.

The moment that you give up hope is the moment that your opponent has won. The moment that you give up hope is when you have truly lost everything. The moment when you give up hope, is the moment that you lose yourself as well.

Normal people in my situation would be extremely discouraged and would give up on everything. I’m not normal people. I’m an awesome one. A title bestowed to me by myself, a title bestowed to me by her. The girl who told me once before that while the moments we were apart felt extremely terrible, the moments that we spent together, she was possibly the happiest girl in the world. I don’t like to harp on the past, but this, alongside with clues I can see given in the present, will be the fuel for my never ending flame in my heart for her, on this journey that just seeks to test the very nature of who I am, and what I am capable of.

This is the part where I show myself, I show her, and I show the world exactly who I am and what I am capable of. The part when I work hard and toil my way through these remaining years of separation, and totally bask in the glory of us being together again, for us to start once again, for us to be happy together once again. I don’t give up because it’s my nature. I don’t give up because I want this, and I don’t give up because I love her more than anything else right now.

Sure you may say that I have been plagued with failure before, but it’s still no reason to give up on anything. It’s the one thing life has taught me, not to be pegged down by failure or events that just prove themselves to be a hindrance to you. Many often times, these trials and test only prove to strengthen you and your resolve, forming you into a much better person, making you even more than you thought that you could be, enjoying even more and appreciating even more.

So this is the way I see it. I’ve said it countless times before, and I say it every single time till the day I die. The hardships we go through now will be repaid back 100 fold when we’re back together again. When this short stint of 2 2/3 years left has ended, life with her will be AWESOME. I say it because it’s true, and whilst it’s sad that like she said before, that we can’t fast forward time to when we can be together forever, at least time is moving and at least we have a chance to reach that, and the days and hours and minutes are counting down.

She wrote before that some parts of her will never forget our past. To that I say, don’t ever forget it. We’re not ever supposed to purposely forget the memories, even the bad ones. We cherish them and we love them for what they are. Tze Ni, I say to you never forget what we were in the past and I say to you remind yourself when you can and when you feel like it, what it was like when we were both together, and remember that it’s not a dream that will never be fulfilled. No, it’s not a dream and it’s very plausible and real.

Look at me. I flew all the way from Australia –> Malaysia –> London just to see you and to spend that little time with you. Sure it may not have been financially smart, and I may not be spending my time here wisely, but to me you see, to me the ability to spend this time with you is all the way worth it. London looks really pale in comparison to what you are to me. I managed to do this much just for you, I managed to prove you wrong when you were in denial that I would actually come to London for you. Things can be made very possible, if only you choose to take the first few steps at achieving them.

Even the dreams that seem so far and daunting, you were there with me when we both climbed up Mount Kinabalu together. You can’t deny that to some extent, looking at the large size and distance of the mountain that we’d ever reach the top, but step by step, as slow as it may have been, helping each other through the way, just pushing each other on and motivating and just keeping strong and resilient, the both of us reached the apex of the mountain. One of the highest peaks in South East Asia, and we conquered it together, hand in hand, pulling each other on.

What I’m saying is that don’t give up hope on something so SMALL, (yes I said SMALL) as distance. Really. You’re someone who has big dreams yourself, and do you ever stop yourself from reaching these dreams? Do you ever tell yourself, ‘if it was meant to be it was meant to be’? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure that you yourself work your BEST and your HARDEST in everything that you do and you don’t give it up for anything. This shouldn’t really be any different then. If you are keen like me on spending that future with just both of us together, then this is something we have to overcome and go through, and it’s really not as hard and difficult as it seems.

In the grander scale of things, the number of years we have left to live, these 2 2/3 years left just look extremely pale in comparison then. Think about it, and tell me again that I’m wrong. Tell me that there’s really no point in fighting for something that is SOMEHOW Impossible and will never happen. Tell me then that you’re really unwilling to fight for anything in your life.

I suppose the more interesting side of things as well is that just like what I’m doing now, it really doesn’t take a lot of effort and it really doesn’t take a lot of your time out of your day. I’m confident that the way you’re going now as well that you have the time to do all of this and still enjoy your day, but as I say again and again, this is your choice. To sit down and wallow in the sense that It’ll never quite happen vs doing somethinb about it.

I have to head off now to brunch so I say good afternoon to you and enjoy your brunch. There’s really nothing stopping me right now from coming for you, I hope that you can reach a similar state or conclusion to all of this. This is my determination and this is my positivity. I don’t let anything stop me, not ever. I love you baby, I love you Tze Ni. :) Mwah. Kisses Kiss kiss :)

 

Determined hamster, off and out.

I miss you.

A still frame photograph of you, and me together,
Is all I have of you and me anymore
We were so in love and we’d thought it'd last forever,
But in the storm, we were torn

And I won't forget you,
I don’t regret you,
The hardest thing I’ve had to do is live without you
And I wonder why… We both walked away

I’m lost without you, still crazy for you
Just turn around, come back, because your smile is overdue
And I miss…

I miss you

If I only knew the words to say that would make you turn around
I would say those words to you, more than a million times
It’s been forever, but it hasn’t changed what you mean to me,
Darling can’t you see

That I won't forget you,
I don’t regret you,
The hardest thing I’ve had to do is live without you
And I wonder why… We both walked away

I’m lost without you, still crazy for you
Just turn around, come back, because your smile is overdue
And I miss…

I miss you

I’m sorry for all I did
What I said and things I hid,
I’m finally over me,
Is that too late for you?

I can’t imagine where I’d be,
If you had never rescued me
You gave me will to live
And I need you

Yes I need you

And I won't forget you,
I don’t regret you,
The hardest thing I’ve had to do is live without you
And I wonder why… We both walked away

I’m lost without you, still crazy for you
Just turn around, come back, because your smile is overdue
And I miss…

I miss you

Revisited

Almost as if I predicted it, it happened. Nightmares of sorts that prevented me from having a good night’s sleep. In particularly nightmares of her and Mark having fun, whilst I was around them and she just pretty much ignored me and went on and entertain herself with Mark’s company. In the reality of things, I think it’s worse than a nightmare because I feel like this has already happened before. This terrible realisation is driving my right way insane this morning as it lingers in my head and refuses to leave the back of my mind.

Really as sad as it sounds as well, looking at the photos of us on my phone, going through them, they just somehow feel like they were forged… fake… and all those moments we spent together just… didn’t happen… I don’t know why but they just don’t feel real anymore, that somehow they were all imagery and moments that I just imagined of in my head, and that feeling that one of the happiest days and moments in my life weren’t real. It’s stupid I know but I can’t help shaking this feeling in me.

I want to find out. I want to find out and prove to myself that it actually did happen, that those happy moments in my life were not some stupid lie that I concocted out of my head and that it was real, and my happiness was so very real all those times. Like our first outing together and how we went jogging and it rained and we were soaking wet and she fogged up the screen to my viva to scribble on ‘Drive Safely :)’, our first valentines together as a couple where I took her up to Lookout Point and we got overpriced food but had a great time either way… Then getting a little bit naughty on the trip down and messing around in the middle of the stadium’s parking lot…

To the times when she wanted to watch a horror movie with me even though she can’t take horror movies well and she was clinging on to me so tightly that we had to leave the cinema… Spilling Ice Lemon Tea in the Viva and just cleaning it up in the middle of the night. Meeting my parents for the first time in Tropicana and how they gave her ferrero’s and a book to read. Meeting her parents for the first time and how her parents were so nice to me and her dad took me, Wern Sheng and Tze Ni fishing… and I got to drive the boat lol

Our arguments especially… even the arguments where she would hate me so much for being so far away and how she was so unhappy with me and the awkward first few days that we were in Penang together… Watching Toy Story 3 together in the cinemas, reconciling, making out and being so much in love with each other again… Her lying down on my lap and falling alseep on the sofas as Wern Sheng watched the football game and I would lean down and kiss her on her head and how while she would turn around and show me this displeased face, she wouldn’t stop me.

So much more memories of us, the good times and the bad, all etched in my mind. Yet are they real? sure, recollecting them now, they feel so real and they begin to warm me up again, but looking at the reality now, I feel almost as if that was a different person even though I know it’s not.

No Hsin Yang. No. Things have not changed. This is the same girl whom you fell in love with, this is the same girl whom you spent those times with, this is the same very girl that told you each and every time that she loved you and that you told her the same, how much you loved her. No. Hsin Yang, don’t waver now. Don’t be misguided, don’t think otherwise. Don’t be fooled by what you see around you and trust in your senses and your feelings. Trust in your own feelings, trust in her feelings. Trust and understand that her words are real and that she is not lying to you. There is no other guy. There is only me and her.

Pick yourself up from this stupid feeling of self wallowing and pity and go at it again, at full speed and at 110%. This is not the man that she fell in love with. This is not the person she loves. Staying this way will not change anything at all. I told myself already that I’m not going to bend down over for anyone till she’s in my arms. She’s the girl whom I love and this situation is really unfavourable but who gives a fuck? Do you have any idea who I am? I’m HSIN YANG. I’M PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST STUBBORN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO HATES GIVING UP AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON HER EITHER.

With a mixture of trust and my own prerogative and circumstances, I’ll make it work. Just because I’m vulnerable to whatever happens between us now doesn’t mean that it has to completely bog me down right? Please. Besides, Mark? I’m sure that even without me she would have better taste than Mark. Sure it’s me being evil, but I say that thrash talking is almost a necessity for someone in this kind of situation. Pfft. Besides, Mark is from Singapore and I doubt that even in the end that he’d ever come to Malaysia for anything. Whatever. Regardless I’m not planning to ever come second to someone like him. She knows that I’m a worthwhile guy one way or another, I feel it.

Whatever. My reasons for loving her are for the long run as well. I’m not looking for some short stint or just a joy ride. I’m actually looking for a future with Tze Ni, marriage and all. I’m not sure if the other guys are looking for the same thing, but I can be convinced that they’re doing it for a much more different reasons. This is why I say to her choose well I suppose. I won’t always be here and they may not be all they seem to be as well.

I think I’ll end it here. I don’t think there’s much else to say, apart from I’m not going to let this incident get to my head. Based on that trust factor and knowing what I want in life in it’s own, I will do my own part in trying to be as close to her as I can whilst still trying to give her her space. It’s the most and it’s the least that I can do as well ironically. Let it be then let it be.

Tze Ni, Yeoh Tze Ni, I love you :) You know that I’m doing my own share and my own part to make things work between us, and I say time and time again that I can’t do this alone as well if you really wanted things between us to work out in the future, a chance of us in the future as you said before. If your way at doing this is by staying single for long then so be it, though I feel that it may take more than that, though I could be mistakened. Know what you’re going to do and whatever you decide, do tell me. I love you baby. Always remember and always believe that.

 

I love you :) Kisses, hugs and all the loves in the world baby. Mwah. And Good morning.

Vulnerable

Alcohol doesn’t make the thoughts go away. Prepare to be haunted through the night with nightmares and thoughts that just won’t escape this stupid head of mine.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. I feel like I’m even at a crossroad of my own lovelife now… To move on or not to move on from her, even though I love her… It would mean denying my own feelings for her now and almost doing what she’s doing as well somewhat. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to believe that it all ends here and will end like this, like something so pathetic.

What should I believe in… I think in the end… I’ll remain hungry for us, and I’ll remain foolish for us… I’ll remain foolish for her. I can’t help it really. I don’t think I can… and besides, I seem to keep convincing myself that it’s nothing and that I shouldn’t read too much into it… I shouldn’t read too much into anything… It may be again a test of my patience and a test of my trust in that sense… If she says that she and Mark are… Just friends then I’ll believe it without 2nd doubt. I’ll believe and I won’t let myself tell me otherwise.

I know that she’s not the kind of girl to do this to me, I know that we meant more than this to each other, than to do this to ourselves. I know this. So in the end I suppose I can just feel that Mark was accompanying her back to her Hall right? sigh. Yeah you know what, fine. Sure. I’ll be a fool for her and I’ll believe her. I’ll hang my head and just… Just don’t think about it and just… sigh… trust her I suppose.

Tze Ni… I trust you fully on this. I don’t want to doubt you, I don’t want to have 2nd thoughts about you or the integrity or the things that you say because… Because I know you at least that much. I know that you’re an awesome girl who prides herself to do anything stupid. I know that you won’t do anything so much as to aim to disappoint me… I know who you are at least… I feel I do… and I’ll trust you fully on this. I’m completely at your mercy right now to be honest. Wounded and vulnerable and frankly, the only person EVER, that I have ever done this to, the only person ever that I will do this for… Because it’s you and I trust you.

I love you, and therefore I unarm myself, I unshield myself, and I just satnd here vulnerable to whatever comes next to be honest. If this is the nature of love then… I’d rather feel hurt than to feel distrust… and to doubt her and believe that she’s lying to me or believe that she’s playing me. At least then if anything happens, even if I walk away hurt and broken… I knew that I loved her right till the end, and that I really did give it my all and my best right?

I think that’s my final decision. I’d rather handicap myself than to believe in anything otherwise. I trust in her. I don’t want to let go of that no matter what I see, no matter what happens. If I’m a fool then so be it. I believe in love. I believe in her. I believe in us.

Love you baby. Hsin Yang loves you so much Tze Ni. He really, really really does.

 

Hamster off and out.

Trust

Went to Smart Russell Square to settle the double charges. Have to come back tomorrow morning between 8 am to 4pm. On the way there ran into Tze Ni. She was walking back to her Hall with Mark. talked to her for a while then I just couldn’t stay. I had to go away. I didn’t want to be around to see what was going on. I just had to keep going.

I know that she said that her and Mark are just platonic, but just seeing her walk side by side with another guy just the two of them struck a near death chord in me. I ran further up and just tried… not to think about it. I didn’t want to think anything about it… But who am I kidding. Here I am now blogging about it. It hurts to see them walk together like that even though she says thing to me like how he’s just a platonic friend and how there’s no other guy. It just makes me feel otherwise…

It doesn’t matter Hsin Yang, it doesn’t… matter. I already told myself, told myself that if ever I found that one day she wasn’t deserving of my love that I myself would move on… I’m not saying it’s like this now, but I guess I’m prepared for the worst as well. I also did tell her in the past I think… or at least I wrote it in here that it was my wish of her that if ever she found somebody new or wanted to go out with somebody else, even if we weren’t dating, that she’d at least tell me. I hope that she does. I still want to trust in her, I still want to believe in her. I still want to love her.

I will silence my heart and let my head speak and remember to trust in what she said to me, remember to trust in what she said to me and to trust that she should tell me if it were ever otherwise. It just sucks you know? I mean the feeling of watching the girl whom you love walk with another guy is just terrible… Especially since you love her… I won't be sad. I won’t think too much about it. She owes me no explanation for it, I trust in her that she says that it’s just platonic.

I suppose I knew that I would see this kind of thing coming as well… I just didn’t think that It’d come like this. I really didn’t think that it would have happened like this. Feels almost like one of those scenes in a movie where the protagonist see’s the girl he likes with someone else and it escalates into all sorts of nasty… and Whaddya know, it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow as well… Everything does feel like it’s being set up like a terrible romantic movie isn’t it… Only that I doubt anything in particular will happen tomorrow. No, knowing her things will remain just about the same and nothing will happen. I’ll head over to the rest of Europe with this weight in my heart as I try to forget what I see and try to convince myself that it’s otherwise…

I don’t know really what else to write of right now. I’m feeling quite down and disappointed. It’s a good thing my mom threw me some whiskey in my luggage bag. I don’t want to resort to alcohol, but if it’ll stop me doing this crap right now, then that’s really good enough for me… It’s good enough for me…

Tze Ni. Just… just… I don’t know, just do what you want at this point. I feel like I’m really not a part of anything in your life anymore and that it really was just all a dream. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that it wasn’t a dream. Tell me that I don’t have to think this way because you only look at me. Tell me.

 

Jealousy is an evil green eyed monster, but I think it’s not jealousy I’m feeling, It’s the weight of carrying this love when I feel like she may not have treasured it as much as I did. I love you Tze Ni, and this feeling in my chest, it hurts. sigh.

 

Hamster out.

Planner

Just got back from Stanford’s not long ago after having lunch with Wern Sheng and his friends. They were having a sale on Lonely Planet books, so I helped myself to Lonely Planet phrasebooks of Europe in General (Consists of like 15 Different other languages), and a more concise Italian and German for my trips to Venice, Rome, and then Austria and Germany. Prague does Czech, so that’s where the bigger book will come in handy, and in the future when I decide to visit these other countries (Hopefully in the future I can visit them with Tze Ni, even if it’s not just the both of us) then I think this will come very much in handy.

Gonna have to head back to the Hostel today and frankly it’s a bit disappointing. I had a lot of fun really staying with Wern Sheng on this half of the trip, staying with him is really a lot of fun once you warm up and realise that he has a good sense of humour as well hahaha. He keeps on telling me that Tze Ni is still young and she doesn’t quite know what she wants yet and that she wants everything and also the “Tze Ni likes you, you like Tze Ni… haigh!~”. Obivously implying the situation where we both like (I would use love but whatever) each other yet can’t really be together.

Interestingly enough though, his girlfriend (Jing Zhe? I think thats how it’s spelt lol XD) asked me how is it impossible to maintain a relationship from London to Melbourne and I just had to keep quiet with that one, I can’t say much either, because I did it because I felt she would be happier like this, and I mean she IS happier from what I see, though I ask myself whether it would have been the same if I didn’t and just let her have her time and space. It’s one of the things in life which I’m not sure if it’s regret, but I kind of wonder how differently the other route would have turned out… ><

At the moment, I don’t think I’ll head back to the hostel, at least not to stay to be honest. This is essentially my last night here in London because like hell there will be any sleeping tomorrow, we’ll be out the whole night for new year’s eve so yeah… Just checking out my flight times to Venice for the day after, and it’s at 11:50am, so I’'ll have some time before to move around, I don’t have to start too early I think. I’ll just have to make sure I get there on time.

Gonna continue doing up more planning later so yeah O_O It’s gonna be good lol :D Hopefully. Nervous though lol :X >< But that’s somewhat to be expected anyway, it’s my first time doing something this extreme ahahhah :D and doing it alone as well. @_@ Hopefully I don’t get lost or go crazy on my way navigating around Italy lol

Anyway, I have to head down to dinner with Sheng and Jin Zhe? xD ahahaha so yeah, I’ll cut it short here (was meant to be way longer but I’d rather write another later.)

Hamster? Baby? I love you :) I love you so very very very very much… You still have this heart of mine, so I ask you to please take care of it and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do okay? hahaha I love you so very much, and no other person in the WORLD will ever come close to comparing to how much I love you (Romantically. So excluding family. :P) MWAH. And If you find other guys I shall rage quit O_O and it shall not be pretty DX lol. Kidding. Maybe. >.>

 

Hamster off and out, kiss kiss love love hugs and well, A BIG HUG FROM ME TO YOU. I know you love them :)

No room for losers

Still in Wern Sheng’s place. He’s off in the gym so I am going to use this time to clean up my remaining clothing for the rest of the trip so that I at least have clean/ fresh clothing to wear by the time I head over to the other countries. I need to go back to my hostel today, because they swiped my card twice and they double charged me for my stay. Need to rectify this with them ASAP. Also, I kind of OCD-ed a little and ended up tidying up Wern Sheng’s room, just a little >.> hahahaha

Feelings at the moment? I feel… Resolute and clear. I feel like I know what I need to do now and less in denial that I’m actually in the UK (Yes, I was actually in sort of like a dream like state all this while about being in the UK… Not too sure why, but it felt like something I was going to wake up from and suddenly I’d end up either back in Malaysia or Melbourne). I’ve got plenty of things to try and get done to sort my whole entire trip out. I’m thinking of cutting my Euro trip slightly shorter, and instead of going to Vienna, I go straight to Stuttgart after Rome, and from there go with my sister and her friends to Prague. It’s more exciting to travel with others and therefore I think this would be more beneficial to me to better enjoy my trip.

In other means of resoluteness, the other guys can seriously fuck off :) Tze Ni is my girl and I won’t give her up for anyone, no matter who it is. What this means of course is that whilst I don’t particularly want to be too aggressive with my approaches, I do want to hinder whatever they may be trying as well. I’m not going to let her willy nilly fall into the arms of anyone else, and that is essentially my determination through the whole entire thing.

Tze Ni, I love you. None of these other guys, will ever be able to offer you what I can give you, and they won’t even come close to it. I will still come for you, one way or another, actively or passively, and one way or another, I’ll let you know that I still love you. I’ll remind you ever passing day no matter how far we are that I love you, I may even end up doing silly things to let you know this. So I say to you that you really have a choice of course in whoever you would want to be with in the long run, and I say to you that you can take your time choosing this but do consider it carefully.

For now I say really do enjoy being single, I suppose it has its perks and benefits (though I can’t really see what at my current state of mind) and hey, I’d even go so far as to say be single for the whole entire LSE stint XD hahahah but of course that’s just me of course saying I’d rather you single than with someone else, duh :P Regardless it’s alright to have someone whom you love even when you’re single right? :P I mean I’m doing it right now hahaha :P so by all means do what you need to do, or rather do what you feel is right, but also make sure you consider your decisions very carefully before they’re made.

Anyway, Wern Sheng just called me out for lunch so I’ll have to skiddadle out of here and make my way to him. Lunch at China house :O hahaha :)

Tze Ni? Mwah. I love you so much :) Never forget this, because it will never go away. Kisses, hugs and loves. I look forward to spending New Years Eve with you and your friends (I think) :)

 

Hamster off and out. :)

Cryptic

Using slight knowledge of YouTube links, I managed to pull up this from her YouTube video on her page…

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

 

Not sure if it’s meant for me, not sure why she posted it as a broken link, not sure why she posted it with the caption ‘Hello World!’…

So many questions in my mind now though watching the video sort of reminds me of me and her as well… How we would quarrel and fight and I would try desperately to pull her back… having fun together and just smiling… and right down to the emotional moments where we just give in to one another… Those kisses and how I miss them so much… And I suppose right down to the end of the video that sort of describes how we are now as well…

More cryptic than anything she’s ever posted so far, and really with a tagline so different and unmatching that totally throws the subject off course too… Of course If I want to think a lot into it then ‘Hello World’ is the first thing you learn to do in a programming language… and I may be the only programmer she knows…

Man I don’t know… It’s way too cryptic like that… Sigh, though if it is true and if that video is directed at me, then I really do want the same thing for both of us… It’s not the right time for me to say it because I’m in the midst of trying to reform myself into becoming a better person, but… Sometimes I guess I do wish that New years eve for the both of us would be different from expectations… And sometimes I dream and wish to myself secretly (even I don’t quite write it down here, mainly because it’s so implausible sometimes that I don’t bother) that we could have that one more kiss, that one more that would seal the deal for me and set me on a course to love her and go after her more than ever.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but I’m not here to play guessing games either… I’m not even sure if this is the right video her facebook link was meant to point to, though this is an educated guess for me I suppose.

Am I supposed to think that this is a message from her, just like how “Baby it’s cold outside” was? Maybe even… Maybe… I guess we’ll just have to see come next time I see her or new year’s eve if I’m at least somewhat right…

Still boggled as to what it may all mean but I’ll try to sleep over it and think it over a bit more… very strange as it seems to defy the things she does as a norm as well as is just… Puzzling as to it’s implied message and meaning… and to whom it’s directed to if anyone…

 

Hamster, in love, but a little bit puzzled at the moment, wondering what will happen next.

Insufficiency Conundrum

If epiphanies are meant to be reached all of the time in these kind of trips, then allow me to sort of share more additional epiphanies of sort. I realise in many ways that I’m just a kid trying to be an adult… or at least a grown up. In a lot of ways looking at myself now and the situations that I’m in and the things that I’m doing, I don’t find myself fit to be called a young adult, or that I should even be talking about getting a girlfriend and things like that.

I don’t know and it’s kind of weird, but it feels all of a sudden that I’m so inadequate at handling myself and that before I can handle others, I feel that I should learn to deal with myself better first. I can’t really say I know why, but I feel like this all of a sudden. Perhaps maybe you can even say that it’s a follow up from just now’s post… indeed if I look at myself from a lot more different perspectives, I find myself… pathetic. Not so much because of what I do but more of like my whole entire existence in itself.

Indeed, while you can say that this is a follow up of what was before, me trying to be a better person, this is me looking at where I am right now and saying that I’m not even the person I think I am at the moment but merely an impression of what I want to be… It’s a bit sad and disheartening thinking about it I suppose but that’s sort of.

To me, I suppose what I feel now is that after this whole trip to London to see her, the next time I would allow myself to see her is when I’m a lot more of a changed person, for the better and for the good of it all. It’s disappointing to see me like this and I know I can be a lot better than this and so I will bar myself somewhat from visiting her or doing anything I feel is unnecessary until I better myself and make something of myself. Taking step by step to at least be someone that I myself can be proud of, never mind her. I know that I have high expectations and standards of myself, but that makes it so much the better then. I expect no less from myself except excellence, and I don’t want to disappoint her and myself.

I don’t really know what else there is to say apart from that I’m not happy with me, and that I don’t think I’m sufficient the way I am. People may be telling me that I may be awesome and all that at this point, and while of course to many levels it may be true, perhaps relative to what most other people can do at least in my field, I find myself severely lacking in what I would constitute as the person that I want myself to be.

Post ends here simply like that with this sort of realisation coming from me. It’s all I need to say at this point, because I suppose it’s all that matter’s to me. I have a feeling if I keep up being the way I am now as well that I’ll eventually lose her so I feel I need to try harder at improving me, I need to be more responsible and more adult like, and I need to be someone who is more respectable. I think I just found my resolutions for 2012.

 

Mwah baby, I love you. I don’t know how you can put up with me, because at this point in time, even I can’t put up with me. I know you’ll still probably see me around within these few days but trust me, post 2012, the next time you see me, I’ll get myself to be an even more awesome person, more awesome than who I am now. 1000 times better. For my sake, for our sake, for love. Good night and sweet dreams, Kisses hugs and loves always, and all the time.

Massive Thoughts.

Trying to focus at Sheng’s now, to try and you know, get my planning down but having difficulties at that too. I procastinate a bit too much and I think it’ll bite me very hard in the ass if I don’t start doing something about it soon. Just gotta try and sit down and focus any get things done without being sidetracked too much.

Hmm… 2012 is just only a few days away isn’t it. Hard to really tell how things are going to work out for 2012 at this rate. Doesn’t matter too much I suppose, I just have to think and take things slowly as it comes and I’m sure things will work out just fine. Somehow at this point in time, I felt that I left for UK a bit too early and in many ways miss being back in Malaysia, at least for a while. I still am a bit homesick from last I left from Melbourne, and I haven’t quite recovered back yet, which I suppose made me feel a bit denial-ish when I first arrived here in UK. Almost feels as if I would wake up and be back in Malaysia again.

New Years… ahh… heading back to Malaysia on the 16th, so I suppose that isn’t so bad. I actually feel terrible now for like being on Holiday, and actually want to get back to doing work or something productive… Which I’m not sure if it’s something that I should be feeling altogether. It almost makes me sound as if I hate holidays and would rather work and stuff… which on that note may not be too wrong as well. Sister will be heading back to Malaysia a few days after I fly on the 16th, so all the way in time for Chinese New Year.

Which reminds me about visiting her parents during CNY. Parents want to head down to Penang for a while a few days after CNY, so I’ll probably follow them up then, then I suppose one of the days when they’re around I’ll take the car for a while and just visit them to say hello. It would be even better I suppose if they were all at Ah Ma’s then it makes dropping by easier, so I don’t actually need to go to her house to visit them all… but it may not be a possibility as well… But of course for starters I don’t really communicate in Hokkien well and so I doubt I can stay for long… that and I don’t want my parents stranded without a car as well so I suppose it would be just a short visit to say hi and Happy Chinese New Year and stuff.

Thinking about it now, I suppose it will feel a little awkward… Which is why I think I won’t try to extend my stay as well, make it short and simple >.> Hmmm… Yeah that’ll work. I suppose only when things start getting better between me and her again that I’ll bother staying on for longer… at this point I’m not even part of their family so yeah… I don’t really want to overstay my welcome and make things too awkward. :x

Kind of like one of those moments where you said something in the past then you start thinking about it more and over and you realise to yourself that it’s really not that simple anymore. Then again as well in the past I never quite considered staying for longer… it’s just the awkwardness I guess, I never quite considered it too much then ahhahaha Oh well. I’m sure things will be fine if I stick to the plan of not sticking around for too long D:

Awkwardness reminds me a lot about her cousin Dave as well >.> Rather I don’t remember his chinese name, Dave just sounds weird to me. He seems so intent on spending time with me and me bringing him out on these trips, and I don’t really have the heart to say no to him as well >.> I mean the problem really stems from that I don’t know him too well and that he doesn’t really speak that much english… I mean look at me and Wern Sheng, we’re fine, and we communicate quite well (to the point that he wants me to stay another night o_O I suppose he really does enjoy my company) I suppose that I’ll try and have at least one outing with him, take him to like maybe Monkey Hill or something and just have like a jog up and around or something… and see if we can get along better… It’s going to be a bit difficult for me to be honest to try and get down proper communications with a Chinese Ed, but I’ll try. One of those moments where I wish I could do proper mandarin or at least he could speak better english. Oh well. He’s a nice guy and it may be fun (though the way he has kind of hounded me about it was kind of gay as well, I didn’t say anything about it lol >.>)

Here’s another interesting thing as well. If having this trip is supposed to be self discovery and self understanding for me, a somewhat personal epiphany that I’m supposed to be achieving, then I’ll tell you this much. I am not satisfied with who I am now. I feel like I can be a better person, better, faster, stronger, healthier, smarter, more than what I am now. Because of this I actually don’t feel like travelling as much anymore than I feel like doing more self improvement, and getting better at what I do, what I am, getting a Job, joining the GYM and just working out till I have the body that even men can envy over, I want to be all of that, and I know this sounds stupid and bad, but being here now actually feels very counter productive to that. I want to make my own money before I can spend it like this, I want to be self sustained and successful, I want to be someone I can be proud of, I want to be someone my girl can be proud of, I want to be more than what I was made for.

Am I a workaholic? She asked me that before, and I declined it, but what if she’s right? What if I really am a workaholic? maybe despite the fact that my path esp towards graduation hasn’t been smooth so far? I don’t particularly see it as a bad thing now but It may come back and bite me in the ass at a later age, or when I have a family of my own in the future. It’s funny, because I feel like I’m a family oriented person, but at the same time, I enjoy working, not so much for the success, but to continue to better myself, that hunger to be the best of the best, the best that I can be and things like that.

I want to be someone whom I can be proud of, of my own achievements. I want to be someone whom I can tell people about my life and exploits and they can say to me, “Wow, that’s amazing” or “keep up the good work”. I want to be someone whom she can be proud of as well. Someone whom if one day I manage to marry her and make her my wife, or even before that, she can say to other’s, “Yes, this is my husband/ boyfriend”, with a smile and a grin. I want to be someone who can provide for my family yet at the same time, not neglect them and give them all the love they need. I want to be a loving boyfriend. I want to be the great husband, I want to be the best father that ever existed. Ahahaha, and I want a nice body and 6 packs that she, and even myself can fawn over XD hahahaha lmao.

A lot to ask for I know, but not impossible too. That’s the thing. It doesn’t feel far away, it doesn’t feel impossible. Just like my exploits with getting her back into my life, it feels like something that is more than possible though it will take time and a lot of effort. I’m up for it. I’m up for a challenge. It’s a bit different from wanting to be the perfect person, rather than me wanting to be the best person that I can be, completely breaking my own personal limits and expectations of what people have come to expect from me.

I feel so pumped up now, but can’t really do things. So weird, and frustrating at the same time lol. Anyway I think I’ll end the post here. I’ll steal a piece of paper from Sheng’s room and I’ll start going crazy with my workflow patterns and plannings. When I get serious, I really do get serious.

Not a force to be trifled with, which is why I say to you Tze Ni. I’m serious about you, and it’s wise you don’t take my emotions lightly. When I said that I love you, I meant every breathe of it. When I said that I’d come for you, here I am, I flew for over 21 hours in total and I came. When I say that one day I’ll have you back by my side, and one day I’ll make you mine, I mean every word of it. I love you, and when I get serious, I won’t stop for anything till I reach the goal when I can hold your hands once again, to hold you and to hug you EVERYTIME you need it, or even when you don’t and to kiss and love you all the way, and for you to wake up every morning and be able to think to yourself, that you’re so loved and blessed. Of course given, by then you’ll be waking up with your mornings beside me baby. HAH. ;)

 

 

MWAH, I LOVE YOU BABY. Watch me work my magic. Super Hamster off and out.

I should finish my posts quicker.

Woke up this morning at about 9-ish and not long after I woke up she messaged me on my phone and apologised to me for yesterday’s behaviour. I told her that it was okay, and that I don’t really stay angry at people or upset for long. It was a lot of how she was sorry about her selfishness that reflected in yesterday’s behaviour and that she hoped to make it up to me one day though she can’t do it now and things like that… also that she can understand if I don’t want to see her again for the rest of the trip.

I told her that I can’t do that either. Indeed, how can I ever stay angry at her. Forget being angry, I obviously can, though I can’t stay angry at her or you know, hold a grudge against her. Also how can I not meet her for the rest of the trip as well. I love her and that’s really not something that I can really do as well… I did tell her as well that I was uncomfortable with that friend of hers telling me to leave Mark and her alone to date, and yeah of course while I know it’s not really implied that they are that it was uncomfortable… She of course told me that there was nothing going on between them and that they were just platonic friends.

Loving someone especially in my position really isn’t that easy isn’t it… Yeah. I mean by no means do I want to give up, but in another world where perhaps I was less determined, where I was less patient, and maybe where I loved her less, would I have been here today and would I be doing the things that I am doing now? I doubt so.

I really can’t stay angry at her. I love her. I love you Tze Ni. As sad or disappointed or just utterly let down as I can be at times, I tell myself to see things the way you would see them as well, and I try and get myself to understand your position and your situation to try and get a lot more clarity in the situation. It’s because that I do this that I suppose I can be quite understanding of things and understanding of your feelings… I know you want you space, and I know that if I want it to work out as well that I’ll have to give it to you, and I’m still okay with that, just know that I won’t give up and I’ll do things from time to time to let you know that I still love you.

An interesting thing that perhaps happened before was when she asked me if I believed in 2012 as well. I of course told her that I don’t particularly believe in it, and that even if I did, I wouldn’t panic too much about it… She then said that if 2012 was coming she’d like to spend the last moments with the people whom she loved… At that point there was an implication that it meant her family and perhaps myself… and look at it now :) I’m about to spend the opening of 2012 with you and maybe, even if things to well, I’d want to see the opening of 2013 with you :)

The implied reasoning being of course that I’d want to spend at least a few minimal days in a year with her… I suppose more than anything else, it’s something that makes me happy. Whether or not she’d like to see me more often than perhaps what would be if I didn’t is totally up to her… At some points it makes me wonder if we should start skype chatting again, but that’s not really good either, especially for her. It may make her feel like we’re in a relationship again and I don’t think it’s something which she wants to get herself caught too much into at this point in time.

On the more stranger side of things… Wern Sheng’s parents just skyped with him… and I’m in the room… and they know me… and Ah Ma was there lol ahaha and I feel weird. Her whole extended family in Penang seems to know me as well lol hahaha >< and Ah Ma was asking me to come back to Penang for Chinese New Year lol @_@ Okay Ah Ma…

Anyway this post started HOURS ago and It’s been on and off and on and off xD I’m currently leaving with a smile on my face, so whatever. O_o I should end it now hahahaha

HAMSTER. BABY. I LOVE YOU. And I love your family… albeit at times they make me feel weird and blush… but not like bad bad >.> hahaha… Oh well… I really want that future with you, even if it means waiting for your through these UK years of yours baby… Can you meet me half way? hahaha

 

 

Love you plenty, mwah… Signing out. *kiss*

P.S. Wern Sheng insists that I stay another night with him, he says he enjoys my company, so yeah… okay… this is… interesting xD but should be alright. I’ll go back tomorrow then I think :) I can’t help it if me and her have the same friends when these people are all so nice to me right? :o

Insulted.

I’m tired. I don’t really care anymore. really. Too much effort and just… too must crap for me to take. I feel insulted somewhat and made a fool out of. Surely I can say that I came to London here to just see her, and I didn’t expect anything out of it, but at this point I just feel somewhat insulted instead.

I really don’t know what else to do, I really don’t know what else to say, but I do feel insulted. Her other guy friend as well, the other one apart from Mark irritated me. Not really too much of his fault but he got on my nerve a little when he said ‘leave Mark and Tze Ni alone to date’. Sure it’s a joke but I don’t take it lightly, plus he talked a lot. Really, a lot.

I’m somewhat convinced that Mark is the guy who said that he likes her, and he was looking at me quite a lot. Like giving me weird stares, and stuff like that. Really, I don’t care anymore. She has the right to make whatever decisions she wants to make, and sure they’re just friends but whatever. I’m just, not in the mood for anything. Even that little toilet fiasco shit in the end. Sure I made a fool of myself somewhat but I didn’t fancy the way I was being treated. It’s just a toilet for gods sake, and you know what, yeah, fine I didn’t mind going down to Commonwealth Hall all the way, and hold it all in.

You know what, whatever. I love her but I feel disrespected and trampled on at the moment and I don’t wanna fucking think about this I don’t want to think about her, I don’t want to think about anything. To a lot of extents I don’t even feel like seeing her for a while, maybe yeah, even up to New Year’s Eve. Sure it may be the me talking now, but that’s just how insulted I feel at this point, and I suppose to a lot of points as well, it’s no fault to her friends but I just don’t want to see any of them, Mark included, lest I get stupid looks from him, and it just fuels unnecessary rage for me.

I’ll call the post off here. I came here because I love you and yes, I do respect you, but I expect at least a decent level of respect in return, and I suppose at my current state I don’t feel like I have received it. Played like a bloody fool by her in front of her friends is what I feel like.

Make your own life decisions. If you want me to be a part of it, then sure, tell me. If not, don’t ridicule me like this. I have self pride as well as a person as well, and really, coming from someone who used to treat me like a loved one, and now I feel like a Jester, then just… ugh fuck I don’t know. Don’t call me out if you can’t even treat me like a proper friend, lest someone who at least at some point was important to you

 

 

I’m off to bed. Feeling betrayed by love… a little. I suppose. One of those moments which make me wonder if everything that ever happened in the past ever meant anything to her. If she can shove it under the rug then maybe we weren’t that important to her after all.

An excerpt from Matilda’s Naughty.

Even if you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
Nothing will change
Even if you're little you can do a lot, you
Mustn't let a little thing like little stop you
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Might as well be saying you think that it's OK
And that's not right
And if it's not right
You have to put it right

MWAH

Wahhh… Tired, just woke up, and then gonna go out to have lunch with Wern Sheng and his friends :X Gonna head out to Matilda later. Things aren’t too bad within us now, I actually feel somewhat good and confident about it :D

Annnddd Now I have to rush out >< lol DX Okay gtg and end the post here. :X Hey Tze Ni? I LOVE YOU. Please remember this :) Wherever you are whatever you’re doing or maybe when you’re feeling down and out, remember that I love you and I believe in whatever you doing :) So you can stand back up and face it like a boss, because I know that’s the kind of girl you are :D mwah! love you so very very much. Marry me XD :P okay not really… at least not now, and no, not proposed like tihs xD hahaha

OK RLY GTG X3 CYA, AND LATERS :D

 

KISSUS, HUUUGSS AND LOVES. BIG LOVES.

Undying

Waiting for her and her friend outside her hall... the time now is 6:17 in the morning and... well I don't really know what else to say, apart from I miss being us I guess.

Still no less determined to make it work to be honest. I know what it can more then likely happen, and I know that it's really not that difficult either, I just need to persevere through it. Reminds me of one of the art gallery exhibitions I saw yesterday... the caption read 'till breath controls my being'. I really would wait for her for that period of time. I would wait for her for so long that I feel that her feelings for me are still true and that she's still someone deserving of my love. I will wait for her.

I suppose that me myself, even though having told her before that her naivety made her believe in a lot of fairy tale like scenarios, would like to believe in them myself. Not in the sense of an easy journey or one that passes in just a movie's length, but rather that of an ending. I dream of an ending with her, and I don't see it as an impossibility. Rather than something which feels daunting and far away, I see it right in front of me and I feel that I know hoe to solve the issues that plague us now. I feel that I do.

I do all of this, I go this far, because I love her. Albeit things now are admittedly difficult, its still not much of a reason to give up. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up on love, I'm not giving up on her, I'm not giving up on us. Baby, I love you, I love us. I love what we could be.

I suppose that's it from me for now... apart from an undying determination, I really don't know what else to say apart from I love you. Also, you always look beautiful and cute to me, even though you may be a bit chubbier than you were before xD ahahahah but as I told you when you asked me if I would still love you if you were overweight and fat, I said... yes, but because I love you and care for your health as well I would drive you to lose it xD ahahahha

Mwah mwah, I love you beautiful. :) kissed hugs and loves.

Hamster off and out. Kisses. :)

Worries, Thoughts, and Chillaxing with Wern Sheng

Chilling out at Wern Sheng’s place now. He seems quite cool though I can see what he means by he has difficulty study and paying attention lol >.> he seems to get distracted quite easily and end up doing other things xD hahahahaha Talked quite a lot with him and he sort of brought on the topic about me and her as well so I talked a little about it with him and what’s going on at the moment.

He started going through my facebook and looking at photos of me and her and talked a little about it as well, mostly about how strange she looks and things like that in some of them XD in Particular the KK trip hahaha. Given, of course, I think that too, but that’s mostly because of the weather then that was really windy that made her end up looking like that >.> Still she liked that picture before that had me and her after we reached the tip but oh well xD not one of my favourites. lol

He seems to be fascinated by my MP3 player as well, and I think he’s currently going through my MP3 Player and it’s songs… He said that it looked familiar, and I did tell him that Tze Ni has the same one and he said ahhh, so that’s where it’s familiar hahaha because apparently she took it out in the France Skii (read snowboarding trip) and people were asking her what it was hahaha.

That’s the thing though. Come to think of it, a lot of the things she owns, at least the hardware side of things have been heavily influenced by me, or at least I have a big part in it. Not that it’s ever a bad thing, but it’s a bit of a lol thing if that makes sense. A lot of the hardware she uses obviously has ties to me, right down to the beginning with her laptop, then her phone and her mp3, I helped her picked all of it out >.> Not to mention she’s also using my good pair of earphones o.o” Whatever lol.

Hahahahs Staying with Wern Sheng is turning out more enjoyable than I thought it would be honestly. I almost expected it to be a lot of awkward and not being able to communicate properly, but I think we’re actually hitting it off relatively well and as I get to know him better as well, I get to understand what he’s all about. He’s a nice guy ahahaha :) But for his security purposes as well, I won’t really say much on here about what he said about Tze Ni xD not that it’s bad, it’s just things which I can agree with as well, and uhm… they’re not particularly good things about her. To summarize just a little, she’s young yes, and to some extent she doesn’t quite really know what she wants yet and yet she wants almost everything… Which I don’t think is too wrong or far fetched either.

Meh, regardless, I know this and I know that part of what I wanted to do as well as someone who loves her is to try and guide her in the right direction and help her grow and mature better as a person. More than you can be, more than what you were made for. Though I suppose than in many ways she needs to be a bit more… logical I suppose with the things she asks for and does. While it’s always good to strive for more, you can’t always stay like that, as you’ll never get satisfied ever with what you have and you’ll lose sight of what’s really important to you or what you really didn’t realise you had until of course, you have lost it.

I know it’s hard to really instil things like this in a person. For the most part, these things are best learnt by experiencing them themselves, but as they say as well, only a fool learns from their own mistakes… I’m not one to say myself, I have been a victim of a lot of my own pride and that’s why I say this as well, I don’t quite want it to happen to her. I just hope that at least to some point she realises this and as her mom has said to her as well, to not take things she has for granted.

I think the other thing that worries me just a little is the fact that she still seems a bit careless/ reckless to me. She knows that I talked this over with her before and so I hope she does be careful with whatever she does… I can’t help to worry about her, so it would help if I at least knew she was more careful…

Oh well… Just so long as she doesn’t give me a heart attack out of the blue I guess lol >< I love her very very very much and would never ever want anything bad to happen to her… even if it’s inflicted by her friends… I swear if any other guy makes her unhappy or sad, they’d have to answer to me. –_- I don’t take kindly to this kind of crap going on to her. I know it’s best if she learns from it as well and etc etc, but bear with me here. I am quite a protective person by nature and this is me already trying to control a raging beast within lol >.>

On a more side note I guess I felt a little insulted when she didn’t trust me even a little with the directions today and sort of gave me attitude as well, the whole ‘Ya, coming from someone who knows London’. Seriously, you know I’m a good navigator even if I don’t know the city well. Is it really that hard to trust me on this? We had to go our separate ways not because I got you lost in the Sahara Desert you know. A side thing that kind of irritated me just a little was how she was talking to me and trying to talk me out of having dinner with her and her friend at International Hall. Really, in the end it turned out fine. What’s there to rage about. Asking me to eat Tesco Sandwiches for dinner as well. That was kind of going a bit low –.- Whatever… I don’t harbour any bad feelings about it, or maybe I’m just too understanding of a person. I tend to only see her for her good sides.

She really has to learn to keep that whatever she wants to believe is awkward thing in check as well. Really. A lot of the things she said would be awkward was in the end just overthinking things and just being silly about it. >< There are rules and boundaries sure, but really, not everything we do together is awkward you know –.-

It’s almost a shame that I love this girl. On one hand I ask myself why do I love someone like her, on the other hand I wouldn’t have wanted it to be anybody else as well. Life really knows how to drive you different levels of insane doesn’t it. Meh. >.>

Anyway, I am yawning my face off now, getting quite tired (woke up bloody early this morning, and will need to do even better tomorrow, going to go out with her friends and her to watch Matilda) so I might just end the post here. I love you baby. Kisses kisses and mwah mwahs…. I didn’t say much about this, but your scent does drive me nuts to an extent at times >.> It almost feels as if I can taste your lips each time as well. I’m reminded each time of how your kisses and your love feels like… >< I love you Tze Ni. Kisses kisses hugs hugs hugs

 

Hamster off and out.

P.S. I wonder if she’ll actually end up ever wearing the necklace that I gave her. I’m not even sure myself if she ever will but yeah… it would make me really happy if I actually did see her wear it one soon… Oh well. >< Won’t harp on it.

Romanticism.

Check out day is today, I’m actually sitting in the lobby now waiting to check out, but charging my phone and my laptop first before I even head out to Wern Sheng’s place for two nights :x I’ll be checking out in a few minutes so I suppose I’ll try to make it a bit shorter as well.

Feeling and becoming a bit more and more resolute as the day and the minutes and the hours pass. I am not giving up on her, ever. As long as I know that it’s still possible, there’s no reason to give up. For as long as I know that she still harbours the slightest feelings and emotions for me, I have no reason to give up anything. I love her.

You want to know something. Everytime in a bloody Fairy tale, the author never writes about the emotions of the couple. Sure he/ she will write on how the prince went so far, the princess went so far for each other, bla bla they’d fight this and that, but they romanticise the idea. They never talk about the emotional stress and pressure the prince and the princess had to go through to be with each other in the end. I mean for god’s sake, even in fairy Tales, the Prince had to fight a DRAGON. A FUCKING DRAGON. Let’s step back and think that over, YES A FUCKING DRAGON. IT’S MASSIVE IN SIZE AND IT' BREATHES FIRE AND YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF AND THAT SHIELD WHICH GUESS WHAT, PROBABLY MELTS TO THAT FIRE AND EVEN IF IT DOESN’T ITS PROBABLY TOO HOT TO HOLD ON TO ANYMORE.

No, they don’t tell you of all the stress, the pressure the uncertainty, the ideas behind this and that. When you read a Fairy Tale, you read it because you know it’s going to be a good ending for the most part. For that prince living that life, he didn’t know how it was going to turn out for him, he didn’t know it was going to be a happy ending, but the man just fucking took it all in the face and he soldiered on and never stopped for anything. Besides, he’s a fucking prince and I’m sure he wouldn’t have been lacking in the girls who wanted to get into his pants, but nah, he said fuck you to all of them, and he settled for that one girl, and loved only her until the end.

See, this is what I’m talking about. Fairy tales are essentially stories of real life, except that they ended up good because at least one person didn’t give up on anything. All our lives and what we’re doing is essentially a fairy tale. You think your parents lived through one? that’s because you’re looking at it as guess what, a Fairy tale. Even talking to her parents before, they were telling me about all the hardships they went through, her mom was telling me on how more than a few times because uncle was far away she actually lost the love in him, but she didn’t want to tell him and things like that. But you see, in the end they made it work. Don’t give me that crap that they were essentially close by, I don’t buy that. Hardship is hardship all the same, and I believe that the hardship you go through with each other will repay itself 10 fold in the happiness you’ll receive after. This is fact based on what I have been experiencing with her so far.

Anyway, I have to start making a move now, I want to have an early check out less I get into problems and I want to hit the toilet first. I love you baby, and I don’t intend on giving up on you, and you should know this more than anyone else. You can see it in the resolution in my eyes next time you see me. To me, I’m counting down the days and the months when I can be with you again, and to me, 2 2/3 years left? BRING IT ON. My love is stronger than that.

 

Hamster off and out.

Forecasting

Man, I am so bloody tired. I fell asleep and just only got up some time ago because my sister called me. She started going on and on and on while I was feeling really sleepy on how I should plan my things better, rather than doing anything productive and she doesn’t really listen to much that I say. The number of times I said no I don’t need help ended up with I’ll help you plan it all out anyway. I suppose she just needs something to do to give her sort of closure on the situation, so whatevs.

Plans for tomorrow have been changed around and shifted and so I don’t really have to bring my stuff to Wern Sheng’s tonight, which is sort of better for me in that aspect anyway. Probably can do it after I have breakfast tomorrow morning since checkout then is at 10am. Matilda has been moved to afternoon of the 28th instead and that’s not a particularly bad thing, since I can then go out with Tali tomorrow to go sightseeing and stuff, probably after lunch. Not sure if the other guys would want to follow, but I suppose that’s totally up to them, probably not I would think though, perhaps a bit too touristy?

She called me today to ask me if I wanted to come out for lunch with them at Brunswick, and then I agreed to that, then that plan got shafted, so I really don’t know what’s up with that, whatever XD I don’t know how much I would’ve eaten then anyway. Coming from that, it may just be me but the plans to move Matilda for the next day almost felt as if it was only going to be the two of us then, and so that’s why she would rather move it, but I may be wrong, I could be quite wrong with this. Either way, I did tell her that it’s okay if she felt uncomfortable with the idea, she can just tell me face on. I’d very much like that from her anyway, for her to be a bit more straight forward with these things with me. Oh well, I most probably am wrong on that anyway.

Gonna meet up with her and probably the other guys at Russell Square Station tomorrow at 12. This probably means that I have to wake up early, get ready and have my breakfast, then check out before 10am and move my stuff over to Wern Sheng’s in the morning (hope he’s okay with the timing). He hasn’t gotten back to me yet on that, so we’ll see how things work out. If not I can still head over there tonight to pass them over, depending on what’s more convenient for him. So anyway regardless then I’ll probably have to hang out at his place for a while, either that or I’ll take a walk and try to pass the time before.

Hmm… I suppose that at this point in time, I don’t really want to ask her to spend any more solo time with me, rather I’d prefer it if she didn’t as well. Partway because I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, another because, well… I sort of want to adhere to at least some level of space between us… Indeed, this is hard, but nobody ever said it would be easy as well. On one hand I don’t want to trod too much into her territory, on the other hand I can’t just sit back and do much of nothing as well, and this is not a balance that seems to be easily reached. Sigh.

Love like this is never too easy to realise anyway… I suppose thinking about it, the part that hurt the most for me wasn’t so much of the fact that we were in this situation then, as much as it was when she said that it was possible to treat our near two year relationship then by flicking an ‘off switch’ for it all. More than anything that I think was the part that hurt the most, not even the part where she could turn around and look at me and say ‘leave me alone’, albeit the somewhat fact that I know that she didn’t quite mean what she said, and how she said later that day that she just needed more time and space between us.

I know that she still has feelings for me, one way or another, and to me that’s more than good enough as extra incentive to really try and make it work and make it happen. I know that we could be one of the best couples that could ever be. I know this, she knows this as well, it’s just that UK is currently the biggest barrier for the both of us I suppose, and that’s if she’s still keen on the idea of the both of us as well. I believe that one way or another though, that she’s still keen on the idea of us, that at least Somewhere in that conscious mind of hers, she still thinks of a life with just the two of us and what could be.

I suppose the most daunting part now is that this is hardly even 1/2 a year in the 3 year stint. That and While I know my disposition and actions within this all, and I’m taking action in my own way, if I let up, I don’t think she’ll follow through just as much either. I for one sincerely doubt that when she comes back to Malaysia for a while middle of the year next year, that she’d actually make an effort for us to try and meet up, especially since she’ll be in Penang as well, I sincerely doubt it… Then again I’m not sure if she has much business being around in KL as well, but I suppose it’d be a nice gesture for her to actually meet up and things like that. Again, of course, this is somewhat assuming that she’s looking for the same thing as I am as well…

She said before to me that she’d rather not lead me on, and I think she’s gravely mistakened on this. See, leading me on is somewhat implying that we never quite dated before, and she’s hinting to me that she’s interested or anything like that. This is different. This is me having dated her before, and now with this divide in between us and a potential for things not working out the way we would want it to, this is me taking action to make it work. There is no leading on of anything. I love her, therefore I do it, it’s really just as simple as that. For the most part, even if she didn’t do anything to hint me on, I would still soldier on one way or another. Love, or at least my love works like that. What kind of love would it really be if it just runs away on the first few sights of hardship and trouble anyway?

Anyway, I want to go have a shower soon, then turn in to bed. When I come back to Sheng’s place tomorrow I’ll see if I can use his internet to finish up my planning for the rest of the days in Europe. Frankly still a bit nervous with travelling overboard this much, especially into countries where they don’t speak the same language, but I’m already here, and I’m way past the point of return anyway. Shit has to work.

Mwah. Good Night Tze Ni. I love you. I really did come all the way from Malaysia to see you, and yes, I did choose to stay in London for longer so that I could see you, for longer. Really, each time you asked me back then oh how much I loved you, and I said SOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOo very very much? I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t saying it for convenience sakes, I wasn’t saying it just to make you happy. I said it because it’s the truth and because I really do love you a lot like that. Good Night baby… I love you so much.

 

Hamster signing out.

Let me love you.

Back in the hostel already. Ended up clearing all the places which she brought me, this time using the trip to take a bit more photos than before. Walked quite a bit but I still feel good… Except that I somewhat ran out of places to go to and ended up coming back down here after. Again most places I want to go to are still closed + tube is closed so I don’t have much choice at the matter anyway.

On the good part, I feel a lot better now. I don’t know why I just do. I found myself singing on the way back to the hostel, a lot happier after retracing every step of the way and singing my way through it. In particular that Frankie Valli song because it used to be a song that I sang to her very often :)

You’re just too good to be true,
Can’t take my eyes off you,
You’d be like heaven to touch,
I want to hold you so much,
At long last love has arrived,
And I thank god I’m alive,

You’re just too good to be true,
Can’t take my eye off you.

Pardon the way that I stare,
There’s nothing else that compares,
The sight of you makes me weak,
There are no words left to speak,
So if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it’s real

You’re just too good to be true,
Can’t take my eyes off you

I love you baby,
And if it’s quite alright, I need you baby,
through all the lonely nights,

I love you baby,
trust in me when I say

Oh pretty baby,
Don’t bring me down I pray,

Oh pretty baby,
Now that I’ve found you stay,

And let me love you baby, let me love you…

Indeed I think it’s all I ask for at this point, is just for her to let me love her :) haaaa… Mwah… I love you baby. I love you so very very much… Mwah…

I wanna go back into the rooms and chill for a bit, so I’ll head off here. Laters

 

Hamster off

Trafalgar

Did some blind walking. Found myself backtracking and tracing the steps in which she took to go back yesterday.... and it led me back to Trafalgar square. Right now I find myself sitting down on the stone benches that we sat on yesterday, and somewhat talked about what was going on....

The feeling is rather melancholic. Sitting here reminds me of the conversation and the slew of words that followed. I can't say that it was a particularly good event, but somehow coming back here and sitting down and just taking it all back in, calms me. It seems almost as if I've created an associative memory with Trafalgar square.

I'm starting to realise that I dislike solo travel. It really isn't all that fun, at least for me. Fun is best experienced with others and... well... at the moment sitting here alone and typing on my mobile while experiencing the sights and the sounds, so yes... I don't know how I'm going to do the other places but as I said I may cut the trip shorter to go to Stuttgart earlier and stay for longer/ snowboard for.longer with my sister.

I might end up doing that. Not much reason not to.

At this point in time, I'm feeling just a bit sad and lonely if anything. I guess I wish that circumstances were a lot better and that I could have done a lot more travelling with her... or pretty much anyone else. >< Osheenn hasn't replies me at all, so so much for that. Whatever. Most of the other guys are busy except tali so he's currently a bit of my lifeline from this boredom.

Wondering where I should head next, probably down near the millennium bridge... it was a nice bridge with good views and I enjoyed walking that area with her...

Oh well. I might get moving soon. Mwah. *kisses* I love you.

I told you I'd come.

BTW, you said to me before, "if I'm coming to London. I say to you now, here I am.

I told you long before that I'd come for you one way or another, this is me keeping that promise.

My love works like that.

Suppression

Morning blog. Woke up a bit later than usual today, actually woke up at 5++ but there was not much point in being awake so early so I got out at 8am instead. Still a bit raw from yesterday, on one hand I want to see her, on the other hand I don’t because.. well, It’s not the right thing to do, and I don’t want to because it’s still raw and hurts a little though the hurt is mostly because it’s the outcome I expected and this is me trying to get used to it.

Was thinking of travelling down to those places I went with her yesterday to enjoy them better, because I focused a lot of her yesterday. Not that it’s a bad thing, but London will always be there while it may not have been always that I had her by my side like that. Regardless, I don’t think I will. Not today at least. I might instead head down to tower bridge, since I didn’t head down there yesterday. I’ll start planning it out soon. The other places remind me too much of her and I don’t need that, not today.

Not that I don’t love her, but rather I need this sort of time to chillax and not think about her, at least for a while. I guess this is kind of what she means by wanting your own space. Not really the same I suppose but close. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to enjoy much of today, but I didn’t come here to be sad or angry or to sulk.

No, for all intents and purposes I don’t think things went particularly bad at all. As far as I’m concerned, I got to know her feelings for me and my disposition within it all. I know what I have to do and I know how to do it, and I will do it because I love her and I’m not giving up on her, ever.

She’s someone I want to fight for, even if it means going down to the bloody tooth and nail, because I love her. I’ll fight and continue to strive on if not for her love again, then her acceptance. I don’t expect anything to happen in these few years to be honest. No. I don’t think it’s that good of an idea for us to be back in a relationship again, and I have said this time to time, but I do believe that she suppresses her feelings too much, and that’s really not good for her. I want her to open up a little more to her inner feelings instead of locking it up in this black box and ignoring everything. This not necessarily means coming back to me, but what it means is being at peace with your inner self, and with that, understanding and accepting your emotions for someone else no matter what it may be.

So we’re talking of at least acknowledging your own personal emotions instead of exploding each time you come into contact with it, like yesterday. Really. It’s bad for her well being in general. What I’m aiming from her is at least words like I still have feelings for you but you know we can’t get back together, but of course we can still talk and hang out as friends, so long as you don’t cross the line, and to be honest, I didn’t cross the line yesterday until she initiated it… Then I had a lot to blame by going full out. But I don’t regret it.

Anyway, yeah. I suppose I’m trying to come to a sensible understanding with her, and I dislike it that she’s just ignoring and cramming down these feelings inside her like this, the stronger the worst. Just let it be really. I noticed as well her skin complexion getting a lot more worse than before… This could of course be attributed to the stress… and I saw a few white strands of hair on her head as well… sigh. So that’s my point. Really, don’t hold it in or keep it up like that. She’s someone who knows better than me the idea of living free, at least not bound by a physical medium as such or personal boundaries, but she still needs to learn to live without much emotional restriction as well. I worry for her in this sense. Not because It’s against my disadvantage, but it’s never good to cram it all down on the inside and pretend it never happened.

I was once like that. I lived the earlier stage of my life in what was quite a dark period and I kept a lot of who I am to myself. I’ve since then learnt to open up a lot more to others, talk more to others, and yes, this blog allows me to express my feelings and emotions more instead of keeping them inside and just harbouring and ignoring them. I have been a lot happier ever since so I suppose I don’t want her to be in the position I was in all those year. I want that Tze Ni that I knew when I was dating who opened up everything to me, to be present everyday today, even if she’s not dating me. I want to see those smiles which I knew were all so real and I want to see less of those lies that she uses to mask her real emotions… She’s someone who dislikes spreading her personal life on the outside, and I suppose I understand this, but I’m not even asking her to do that, but at least be at peace with your inner self you know?

I’m not sure how to really explain it as well, but I don’t want her to have this happiness that is built on top of her ignoring what we were in the past and just trodding all over it as if it never happened. To be honest it’s actually quite insulting in that sense and I know she doesn’t mean it to be like that as well, and yes I know that it takes time, but it also takes effort and a want to be that person.

Saying that I want to help her be a better person sounds a bit self righteous but in most essences that’s who I want her to be as well. I feel that I have in more than a few ways influenced her and her life and I can see it quite clearly, even the way she communicates with her friends, a lot of what she does and says at times has quite a few influences brought on by me.

OH! On a much more fun note, it made me really smile when Justin tried to take her phone to play Fruit Slice but she wouldn’t let him, and I asked him why he doesn’t play it on his phone instead. He said that he owns a blackberry, and then when I said that he should get a real phone, she followed up with “YEAH MAN~ GET YOURSELF AN ANDROID!~” XD ahahahaha Also a few times when her friends were asking her about cool things on her phone and she said that it was custom and things like that :) Really made me smile on the inside hahaha, plus I can see that she’s using Go Launcher Ex now and her home screen arrangement still looks quite close to what I had o_o I suppose having used my phone before she’s used to the arrangement of how I had it in my phone so yeah. Hmmm.

Anyway, I’ll probably want to go take a walk now and my brunch. I doubt I’ll be meeting her today, but I feel a lot better now after writing this all out. :) Feeling of love still very much strong and alive, and hey, whatever. I’ll make it work. After all I’m the guy she fell in love with, THE GUY SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH. She only falls for awesome guys, and I can tell you straight on as well, that I only fall for awesome girls. She became my first girlfriend after years of looking for a reason.

Mwah. Hamster, baby, I love you. I really do love you. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or make your life more difficult for you, but I can’t silence my emotions either. I’ll instead strive to reach for a balance in between in order to make things work between us. I love you.

 

 

Hamster off and out.

 

P.S. Some hostel residents complaining about theft >< this shit happens I suppose, I should be more careful.

I won’t break.

1:55am. Man it’s late. Really tired now as well. I just got back from a dinner with her, Wern Sheng and some of their friends, not to mention Sandra and Justin aka Peanut and Gummi. I was actually planning to stay back in the Hostel and just have a slow alone Christmas night, but Wern Sheng asked me out and he insisted on it, saying that no one should be alone on Christmas night. I agreed to that and went out with him and helped them prepare Christmas Dinner for their friends.

In a way it was what I needed as well, a way to take my mind off things, but in a way I wasn’t prepared to see her again so soon as well, I had to step out a few times to take breathers to try and compose myself. I didn’t end up eating much myself though during the dinner, in fact not much at all, I have no mood and appetite for anything if you can totally imagine… In the end I am back in the hostel in what feels like a hungry stomach, but I don’t really feel like eating either, completely lost appetite but I don’t really care as well. Meh.

By the end of the meeting, while walking back to her hall, I passed her the Christmas gift as well. She may not be one for Christmas gift giving, but I am, and since I celebrate Christmas somewhat, I felt that it was only right for me to give her something even if I didn’t get anything in return.

I know she probably won’t say anything to me about it, but I hope that she likes it. It was one of the only things I could afford on my shoestring somewhat budget especially for something like this… It reminded me totally of her, and well, no other gift really resonated her to me. I suppose that the part that jumped it’s price was the fact that it had miniature diamonds in it as well… I suppose as they say, diamonds last forever, and though I didn’t quite consider that while getting it for her, I suppose you could say that it’s a metaphor somewhat for my feelings for her as well.

Just like the movie we watched in Michael’s house late this evening, when you have found that one, you don’t give up, ever. Even if that person has the slightest chance of being the one, you don’t give up, and you hold on and fight for it and if anything else, if it then still doesn’t work out then at least you know that you’ve tried and it works. Even like in the movie today as well, I can’t just stop loving her as well. It’s impossible to do and I don’t think it’s something I want to do as well.

I’ll accept that I may not even see her for the rest of my UK trip now, and that’s fine with me, I’m very much okay with that. I have my own resolutions, and I have my own thoughts and feelings sorted out. I will stay strong and fight for it, whilst giving her I suppose the space she asks for while assimilating the role of someone who loves her, instead of being just a friend. I really don’t care much about the other guys. I know what I’m worth, and I know what I can do, and I know that they won’t even come close to comparing. Call it pride or what not, but I know that while they may stay in the same block as her, they have not much chance against what I am and my existence in itself. These guys can just give up right now and take a hike. I won’t give up Tze Ni to anyone, not anytime soon, no bloody way.

This is what it means to be in love for me. What does being in love mean to you, or will you be too busy being untrue to yourself just to survive day by day. Whatever it is I hope you learn to make the right decisions, and whatever you decide on as well, I want to know.

I’m probably going to head off to bed now, clean up and set my laptop to charge up my phone while I sleep (I don’t mind my laptop’s battery being drained to 0, just not my mobile lol >.>)

Tze Ni, I love you. No complication in my heart, no wavering. No backing down, no chickening out. Just all me, and just all the man that I can be. It’s my choice to be strong in all of this, even if the world and it’s goals seem to work against me. After all, what do I have to lose vs what do I have to gain.

 

 

Hamster off and out.

P.S. I know that I can make her happy. I may not be perfect and I may have more than a few shortcoming, but I know that I’m still someone who can make her happy, more than happy regardless of what she may still say to me now. I know she doesn’t want to lead me on, and I understand that and frankly I don’t need her to at the moment as well. All I really know and care is having her in my arms in the end. After all, she did say hardly a few months ago, that she was probably the happiest girl alive when we were together.

That’s good enough for me.

Hurt, but I'm strong.

Just got back from meeting her. To be honest... it went the most logical way that it would... you know what, fuck it and let the heart speak.

I am actually really sad now, I'm just 1 step from crying or bursting into tears, but I won't. I can't. Partially because I don't want to, another because I don't have privacy in a dorm. I don't want to cry. I'm stronger than this. I knew this would be the outcome to be honest. I knew it deep down, but it's not exactly bad either.

We walked around for a while and she showed me around London... we went to quite high profile touristy places but I didn't really want to take photos of anything... to be the time we we're spending like that was more than enough for me, was good for me. It was better than whatever London had to throw at me.

It wasn't long before when we were walking that I could hear her sniffling. She insists that I don't know her and that I shouldn't flatter myself, but I know when she's sad or unhappy or not being herself. I don't know much but at least I know this much about the girl I love. I know when she's trying to convince herself of something, I know when she's sad on the inside... I know when something is bothering her. I just do.

She started asking me why I came to London. I told her head on and straight forward that I came to London to see her and that I wasn't expecting anything out of this trip... really, I wasn't at all... all I really want her to know is that I still love her, more than anyone else in the world, more than anything in the world...

To no obvious extents the talk became quite emotional... and well, she said something like how she met up with me today because she thought I would treat her as just s friend. I think she knows more than anyone else how I feel about her... I saw her face when I first saw her, excited and happy, before she pulled it all back and controlled it.. dressed it up with what she deemed a rather emotionless face... but she was telling me more than anyone else what her feelings for me were...

It was a lot like us middle of the years when we would get into our spats before we for back together, except this time none of that was on the table at all. I do what I do KNOWING that I will potentially get nothing back in return. Still, I do it because I love her. I love you.

You hear me Tze Ni? I love you. I don't care if there are other guys interested in you. I knew very well there would be. I'm not stupid. You're an awesome girl, and I know that I'm not the only one who sees this. The thing I can guarantee you though is that none of them will ever love you like I do.

I can't promise you a smooth journey all the way through, but I can promise to give you a love that will last. I'm sorry if I inconvenience you with my love, but this is just how I do things...

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to end the blog post here. I need to rest. It still hurts on the inside and I need to quell this hurt. But I assure you blog. I wont cry. I wont be sad. I won't complain and I wont hate.

A love that will last is never paved with rainbow bricks. They're made of moments and persistence like this.

I love you.

I have to go.

Jitterbug

BAH, TIME Really can NOT pass any faster. I’m feeling immensely jittery and if I thought just now was bad, now is even worse. My heart feels like it’s going all the wrong places and I feel like my head is being thrown right round >< Is this what I’m supposed to feel? is it meant to be this way? am I doing the right thing? >< I don’t know anymore. My heart is quite excited I can hardly contain myself. I don’t know what else to say apart from… I guess that I really am happy that this meeting is happening.

The time now is only 10:34 am. Still about 45 minutes at least before I have to start moving. I’m sitting here trying to get more charge into my mobile phone as well, hopefully more than enough to last me long today, I’d hate to run out of battery >< Sitting here also really means that I can’t really head back into the room and calm myself and try and think a bit less and rationally. :( I really am all over the place at the moment… ><

Oh well… Nothing much I can do now but find some things I CAN do to help pass my time quicker. Perhaps I’ll sport a few games of Sudoku >.> That always seems to work to pass my time Quicker than I always expect it too…

Jittery jittery jittery.

 

Hamster signing out.

If it’s you, I don’t mind.

Morning Blog :O Woke up at late 5am today, going to 6 am. These days have been somewhat like that, waking up quite early in the morning and then having breakfast early. Good by all means anyway. :D At the moment I’m just waiting for time to pass before I meet her at 11:30am. A bit of a brunch period as it is.

I am feeling… very ecstatic and excited to be honest. It’s weird as well, it almost feels like… like this is the first time I’m ever going out with her, as if we never dated before… Essentially… it feels… new and different… and this is quite strange I suppose. It’s weird when I think about it. Most of the time’s I’ve gone out and dated her, it has felt like a new experience each and every time. Every time was exciting and new, it was never boring or mundane and uneventful… Truly I can say that every moment that I have spent with her, that I have really and honestly, thoroughly enjoyed :)

I don’t really know how that is but it has really been like that for me. Everytime I meet with her, even when I’m staying in the same household as her for a while, I am just so excited to meet her, and just spend more time with her. Sometimes I ask myself what is it about her that makes me go this way, but I can’t really answer that too well either… All I really know is that she just does >.> She makes my usual pretty solid self waver and go crazy, so much that my friend's also complain about it haha >.> they ask me and wonder how is it that I can be quite calm and composed usually, yet when dealing with her or the idea of her, I completely go haywire >< hahaha If I were a super hero, then she’d really be my weakest link… She really does do that to me that it’s somewhat unbelievable, even my parents know this…

It’s still only 9:05am. I am practically having difficulties waiting for time to past faster. I want to see her, I want to meet her, I want to see her smiles, her laughs, hear her voice… Yet at the same time it’s really scary. I’m still feeling nervous all over… >< Bah. But it’ll be okay. I trust that it will be and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t anyway (See usually I’m not quite like this –.- at all. Bah!)

Sometimes I wonder if it’s alright with her being my weakspot. I wonder because it’s a lot to give away, and anything can happen or go wrong essentially… Hearts can be broken, and people can be disappointed, but I don’t know as well.. In the end, because it’s her, it’s the very reason as to which and why I don’t mind at all… I don’t mind it at all. As I’ve said to her in the past before as well, I’ve given her my all, and I’ve never quite looked back ever since.

Anyway, I think I should just stop the post about here. I’m not sure if I’m getting any calmer, but I don’t think so either. My blood is still racing like an F1 car gone wild hahaha >< Let’s hope I don’t get jitters yeah? >.> lmao

Mwah mwah mwah, good morning… I love you baby, and I look forward to spending these few days together, with you. :) See you later okay? :D Hugs and kisses all around :)

 

Nervous hamster signing off.

110%

2nd night, 12:48am, Christmas day. Things didn't quite turn out the way they were planned, but that's okay. Not that important anyway.

Looking forward to the coming days and what is essentially in store for us. As usual she likes calling more than she does texting, and as usual I enjoy texting more than I love calling... or rather I prefer face to face conversations when I talk to someone... if not I can probably survive a long while on just texting... still, I have to come into compromise when dealing with her. If I ever want to make this work out in the end that is...

My bet is as good as yours as what essentially will happen now that we're both in the same country. Sure there may be a few set ups already, but that doesn't guarantee anything at all. I suppose I can only do what I do best and make it work. After all, I've come this far, there is no room for disappointment or regret. Indeed truly I say to you, I will do whatever I need to do and will not look back from there.

Gonna try and get some sleep so yeah... I love you Tze Ni :) mwah... hugs, kissed and plenty of love. Funny how you're living essentially walking distance away from where I am now hahaha *kisses*

Hamster off and out

Gifts

Finally back to the lodge. Walked all the way from Russell Square all the way to Bayswater, Hyde Park area and back. I passed by the British musuem but they weren’t open, Chinatown is as it always is, Chinatown, then went and checked and realised that all the other places are closed from the 24th to the 26th. Perfect. That pretty much throws all of my plannings off, and sets my plans to a hold till everything pretty much resumes on the 27th.

Anyway, I met up with Tali and two other SAC members (It’s weird that they treat me like one of the SAC-ers as well o_o), Stone and Jelly. Really nice guys and really fun to talk to, one is doing law and the other is doing Chem Eng. Stopped by and had lunch (at least them) at the Malaysian Hall Cantina. Eng Hean was really happy to be able to get some Malaysian food while I just pretty much shrugged it off XD hahaha. We walked our ways to Hyde park and hung out for a bit before we eventually walked back towards Oxford street where Eng Hean had to take the Tube back and the couple went on to shop more on Oxford St >.>

For the more interesting part of things, she called me whilst I was with these guys at Hyde Park. We talked about our plans for the coming days, and well, the plan was originally supposed to be that we met up with Tali and her friend and that she’d take us out sightseeing in London… Now it’s been changed to just be two of us only, and I’m meeting her at around brunch tomorrow >.> at 11:30am. She’s going out for shopping on the 26th for Boxing Day Sales, and I told her that I’d go with her, well, mainly because most places I want to go to would be closed still anyway, so there’s still not much point in going at it alone, the places I’d want to go to would still be closed… Then on the 27th she asked me if I wanted to go for a play with her, Notredam I think it was >< to which I of course agreed. I never quite expected to go for a play sure, but it’s one of the things I’ve always wanted to do, and if I get to go with her, then so much the better right?

So from the above… It seems almost that I’m really getting more than what I expected out of this trip, which is a good thing. I still can’t really tell her feelings for me anymore again, but I can also sort of assume that by spending this much time with me they’re still more than alive which is obviously more than a good thing :) I’m excited and ecstatic to be honest. I’m not sure what’s going to really happen but I at least know that it’ll be epic :D It’s almost like a Christmas gift come true hahahaha especially since this is pretty much all I’ve been asking for for my Christmas this year… her :)

I’m really tired now and my eyes are somewhat watering, but I can’t really sleep now either. I still want to be awake to see through Christmas eve to Christmas, plus I need to charge my mobile phone… and I have something in store for 12th midnight that somewhat requires an awake component of me lol >.> Remind myself to charge my camera’s batteries too. They’re on their way to dead land >.>

Anyway, yeah… I’ll end the post here. Was worthwhile bringing my laptop hahahah :) Mwah… I love you baby. :) I love you Tze Ni. I look forward to spending these next few days with you… and maybe even seeing you tonight :) kisses, hugs… and epic loves…

 

Hamster off and out