Part of me is like… disturbed at how at home I feel with them not here, like this is how it’s supposed to be, like me forgetting years of my life and just two people who should mean a lot to me, my wife and kid after all… it’s quite disturbing that I do feel this way that I’m so comfortable living the single life that I even “forget” that I’m a married man with a kid…
I mean… it’s not like I am interested in looking for someone
else or something like that…. Far from it, I don’t really have interests in
such a thing… I don’t know, maybe this is my mid life crisis you know? Maybe this
is just what it feels like for me as I seemingly abandon family and try and get
the things that I never really got before I had all of this…
But another part of me is like no, this has been the
original goal all this time, as in to try and focus and hone down further on doing
work, so this is just the natural progression of things.
Things like me wanting to not be at home as well, it’s
something that I just have to remind myself that my intentions for doing it are
not necessarily to just be by myself to somehow have my “alone time” but rather
to also have a higher level of focus, without any interruptions, just like how
I can be alone with my thoughts at night like this… except have it in the
afternoon.
Like I try and tell myself that it’s okay that I’m going out
during my Tuesdays and Fridays to meet with Wilson, have lunch, discuss stuff
and just try and get some work done together. I don’t even know why I feel
guilty about saying or thinking about such a thing, I mean, yes while it is
some form of escape from home, it’s also a necessity isn’t it? Like how things
are at the moment, the choices that I’ve settled on with Korea and Singapore
and LevelUp KL, all of these things are the product of us meeting together and
deciding these things, me getting that push to do it, so it’s not as if the
meetings were just about us meeting together to fuck around…
The same can be said about me wanting to go to Serene to
work even though Wilson isn’t there. All the more reason isn’t it? Like it’s
just me alone there, nothing else to really do there except focus on work and trying
to get things done whatever “thing” might be… it’s a good thing.
I guess for me, I just feel guilty in the sense that I don’t
get to spend time with Rei and Christine and help out around in the house or
just play with Rei whenever she looks for me? I think to me that’s really my guilt.
It’s not so much of me going outside but just the feeling like I’m abandoning
her to do all the things and neglecting parenting or something, but then again
I also don’t usually come back all that late from these things anyway, I’m back
by like 5pm sometimes maybe even earlier, and if I’ve satisfied myself by
working sufficiently during the day, I’m less likely to try and squeeze more of
it in the night so it should be a good thing, maybe even more quality time with
them and my relationship with them might even improve…
Idk… maybe.
All I know is that it’s pretty strained at the moment, and
that I have to keep telling myself that me doing this is a good thing; it’s a
good thing and it’s something that will benefit all of us in the long run, in
terms of finances and our relationship with one another etc.
After all, so many other husbands and fathers and what not don’t
work from home but rather work in an office at least pre-pandemic times, so how
is this any different? The only difference for me then is that my time to head
over is semi flexible in that sense, and that unlike majority of these people
who have not experienced work from home before, I’ve experienced too much of it
to know the drawbacks of it, to understand even things like yes, while my home
desktop PC has everything I need there for me to do work, it also has
everything there to distract me, like instant access to shows and movies on my
NAS, games, free flow of fast internet… The other things on my desktop that
call out to me whenever I know I should be focusing on something else…. Then of
course if it’s not that, it’s the distraction of needing to take care of Rei
(as much as I love her, I really do feel like I need my time away from her for
a few hours at least to focus) and helping Christine with even the most mundane
of tasks around the house, because as I’ve sent it to her before as well, even
the smallest things Is easily capable of derailing my train of thought; I’m
already someone who is struggling to find that focus to do work, and all of
that just really adds to the list of distractions that I get at home.
So no, I don’t think I’m crazy, I don’t think that I’m being
unreasonable, I think that I’m being pretty fair and based with these
conclusions of mine and the decisions that I’m making.
Heck, I’m even still quite disappointed in the progress that
I’m making with Jackals… Seriously, I feel like I’m letting him down by not
moving as fast as I can on that one and it really makes me feel like shit.
Yes, he’s helping me out by working on GenDice by himself
pretty much fofr now, but I need to do my part as well, as the whole operation
really does depend on my progress and my actions from day to day.
Time is running out and if I don’t take finishing any of
this seriously, all this planning that we’re doing now will be for naught, he
may even lose his trust in me by then and everything will fall apart, so
everything that will happen in the future kinda really does hinge on what
happens and what I do in the next few months; that’s how crucial it is and
perhaps this is why I’ve gone and decided on doing what I’m doing now subconsciously…
Like yes, I know that I’ve not really been asking or
contacting them these past few days, but can you really blame me? I’m really
trying to juggle a lot of things here and handle a lot of things here, and yes
I’m not the best at it, there’s still a lot of it left undone, but I seriously am
trying my best while trying not to drive myself insane or drink myself to death
to cope with all of this.
Man it really does feel good to write once again like this.
I really miss having a laptop that I can really pour my feelings and my
thoughts into like this, and I mean that’s the other thing as well right, on
that idea of like focus and putting yourself in a position to even get things
done; For me even getting down to writing down my thoughts like this, really nothing
beats having a laptop that I can place on my lap like this in bed and just transcribe
my thoughts into words on screen like this. Yes, it’s something that I most definitely
can do on the computer as well, but just having the laptop like this, puts me
in the zone, puts me in a state of focus and allows me to really get in touch
with my thoughts and feelings, no distractions.
This was just supposed to be some light writing in Microsoft
word to just temporarily get my thoughts out, but it turned out to be something
much much bigger, it’s already worthy of a blog post lol so I’m most definitely
gonna end up posting this one.
It really isn’t easy, I feel like I have to defend myself
along the way, and yes, I do make bad decisions or there are plenty of things
that I should be instead doing blah blah blah, but bear with me, I’m trying to
be a better parent, human, partner, father, boss, son, friend, entrepreneur all
at the same time and it really isn’t that easy, and I’m definitely learning along
the way.
