Fuck you 2014

Doing some blogging from the laptop on my bed. Blogging because I generally feel a bit down and out right now. 2014 is turning out to be quite a terrible year for me, with plenty of bad things happening, and I’m not even half way into the year yet. They year has been laden with just bad events, mostly involving loss of money or things that cost me a lot of damages this year. It’s terrible, and it’s making me feel really shitty about the whole thing.

Today it itself, just about an hour ago, I just accidentally shattered the replacement LCD for one of my customers that I’m repairing phones for as a means of passing time/ hobby. It marks the 3rd LCD that has been damaged this year, and it’s really taking a toll on my confidence on the whole thing, probably leading me to close it all up and end it sooner rather than later. Each replacement that comes in weights in at about 400 Ringgit, so it’s not exactly cheap either, and since I’ll have to get another one after this, it’ll drive it all up to 800 over ringgit. I’m just really sad and tired, and just want to call it quits and stop doing all this shit after this guy. IT all started well, really well, but now things are just taking this massive nose dive, and I’m ending up making more monetary losses than gains that it’s become a burden to me, rather than something to help ease my living by giving me more earnings. I’m just so distraught over it.

Everything is just taking a nose dive this year. This year is just a terrible year for SO MANY things that I can’t even begin to express my displeasure and sadness overall. It’s not just a bad year for me as well, as so far shit seems to be happening to the people that I know as well, and this is totally not funny at all. I don’t know what it is about the year, but I just want to huddle up and just let it pass altogether. I’m really disliking it, and it’s really taking a toll on my life right now, and the confidence that I had stockpiled in myself to try and tackle life and it’s problems. There are just so much more downs that up at this point in time that I just want to give it all up and disappear.

Fuck this all. Seriously. Fuck it.

 

hamster off and out.

Camerons.

In Camerons now. Doing just a little blogging while I wait for Denny to finish showering then we can head off to breakfast. It’s our last day here today, and we’re heading home after seeing a few more places. So far the trip has been alright I guess. Camerons itself holds nothing really that special to me, but the fun comes in travelling in this new group of four. It’s funny because of the drama that started in our friends circle because of this, but I don’t think too much into it. That girl who started the whole fuss is just being unreasonable and… well… self entitled.

We started listening to a bit of non-EDM songs that I had on my player last night. Ironically songs that I haven’t really been listening to ever since things with me and Tze Ni ended. Best thing was that it was kind of a sing-along at that point, so… It did invoke more than a bit of emotions and memories I guess. The number of songs that I used to sing to her for her about her. It just strikes and resonates deep within me. I miss being in love I guess. I miss feeling what being in love was like, and these songs were just that, a reminder of what things were like when I was high in love with her.

Sometimes I think back on whether the things I have said on this blog are too harsh. I did them for a reason of course. I did it for the fact that I knew she was reading my blog, and that I knew this was bad for her in her current relationship, so I felt it only necessary for me to try and shoo her away from me, by being as harsh and as mean as possible. A lot of things say here I didn’t really mean. I did them just to chase her away. I did them because I knew it wasn’t healthy for her to be so attached to me, and at the same time, wanted to break away myself from the bitter sweet memories that was her.

I do want to fall in love again, but I don’t know, it feels like it’s just that much more difficult for me at this point, either because I’m jaded to it, have become a bit more of a flinger, or that I just haven’t really found the right one for me yet. I think it’s just a little bit of both. Still, it makes me sad. I don’t love Alexis. I will put it out there clean and simple. I don’t. I have fun with her, and I enjoy chatting with her, but at this point, I know that things between us in the long run probably will not work out, and well… It’s a good thing that we’re not in any sort of official relationship then.

In many ways I would like to meet a new girl that is able to take my heart away once again, and to teach me how to love again, but also at the same time, I don’t feel like throwing myself in that situation again, maybe because I’m just that little bit scared of love and the things that it may bring to me. I’m scared, but I guess I anticipate it just a little bit more than I am afraid of it. I am however, a lot more selective of my girls now. If you knew me back then, then you’d know that I was quite the selective guy, making sure that the girl I dated and made my girlfriend was the girl that I wanted to be with for a long time. Make that about times two now. I am just that much more careful now, and just that much more…. judgmental to the girl that I meet all over.

Sigh. I don’t know what’s really to become of me and things at this point, but hey, I guess… that things will just unfold by themselves as time passes on by.

Anyway, Denny is out and its time to go have breakfast before we leave back to KL. I’ll maybe blog some other time. I’ve been quite busy these days anyway, so… I haven’t really found the time and maybe the need to blog. I will admit something though. I do miss being us and being in love with her.

 

hamsteyr off and out.

Messy Dreams.

It’s time to do some writing. It’s time to do some blogging. It’s time because I’m trying to figure out some things that I just in my head. I just had a nap, an afternoon nap, and to me, that was the strangest thing that I saw, in a dream of course. I dreamt… I dreamt that for some reason or another Tze Ni was announcing that she was getting engaged to her current BF. I wasn’t there per se, but somehow in my dream, it came to me in like this parcel/ package of sorts. I opened it only to find out details about their engagement, and not to mention a picture of the ring that he used to propose to her.

I don’t pretend to know everything that goes on in my life. For starters, this is like… the first time in the longest time that I’ve had a dream about her, and for that matter, something like this. It’s weird man. I will also admit to one thing. I still DO have tiny feelings for her. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still happy that she stopped reading this blog, but that’s pretty much for her own sake, and not really of mine. It’s bad for her to read the blog of her ex boyfriend; let’s just put it that way.

Despite still having a small amount of feelings for her, I still do not think of having her back, at least not for the time being. I do miss being in love however, and I do think back at the times when I was so much in love, but that’s pretty much it. I don’t think that Alexis is the one for me. It’s fun for now, but that’s pretty much all it is. A little bit of fun.

That doesn’t answer the main question though. Why on earth would I dream of her getting engaged to her current boyfriend, and why on earth do I care, because I know I do if not just a little bit. I am trying to search for answers within myself, but it’s seriously perplexing at this point.

I really am not looking to get into things again. I mean that as a general statement, not really a directed answer at her or anything. Yet why. Blah. Train of thought minds is still in a mess.

Look, I don’t hate her for what she did, and for what is going on now. I may write like that sometimes, but I believe that I just like to vent a little bit at times, but it’s really not hate. I believe that I am pushing her towards it even. I believe that she did what she had to do to survive. I believe she did what was necessary, and I believe that I really needed to play the bad guy in that case, since she was reading my blog and I didn’t want her to have a shred of thought about me anymore, now that she has him. It may sound stupid, but I am stupid like that, and I do shit like this, deal with it. I wanted to be the bad guy to push her off me and tell her to go fuck off and deal with her new boyfriend, and not give a shit about me. I do it not because I hate her, or despise her, but… well, I do want the best for her still, and being attached to me in any single way, is not any way of achieving that.

Life is weird. I do weird things, but that’s honestly nothing new at this point. I don’t wish to be able to turn back time. Things happen for a reason, and I don’t pretend to understand their reasons all the time.

Life is just weird.