You’re still a whisper on my lips

You
You

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you

You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin

You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you

Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

Screams till I remember, that every good thing dies.

Lying here, in your arms
I feel completeness
Though your eyes, strip me bare
I feel completeness

But the fear, inside… it lies.
Stalking every corner
Of my mind, where it hides
Screams till I remember.
That every good thing dies.

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

I’m giving my heart,
it’s a broken wing
Showing my scars that I live and breathe
So you be good to me

I’m letting you know
all there is to know
Willing to show what it means to feel
So you be good to me

Closure.

I just realised that I can’t sleep. Not that I can’t sleep per se, but I’m not really allowed to sleep if that makes more sense. I have to send my brother off early in the morning and so I have less than 3 hours left before I have to leave the house, I figured there’s not going to be much use in me sleeping now. I’ll stay awake and drink a little bit more. I need it to help keep my mind off things anyway.

So, to keep my blog in the loop of things, she did message me and call me just now. She messaged me and called me to wish me happy belated birthday (thank you), and to say that she’s actually begun seeing someone new at her University. I have to admit that right now as I am, about a few hours from when I got the news, I still am holding out quite fine. As they say, the mourning period is sort of over, and this is the closure that I needed to move on forwards I suppose. I cried ages ago over this, and right now, I don’t feel like crying at all. I wouldn’t say I’m perfectly at peace, but I can tell you that my mind is at peace having almost instinctively erased everything from my head to the point that I can’t remember what being in a relationship with her was like. I am guessing that If I really try hard enough to remember, that it’ll come to me, but at the moment, I don’t really care all to much, and I’m not going to try. I think my mental sanity safeguard in that sense is working quite well and it’s done a damn fine job at it for that matter.

What does that leave me with then? Well, if you want to think of it this way, I actually feel the most free and liberated than I have in the past few years. Not to say that being in a relationship with her wasn’t fun, and trust me, it was, but the last few years for me have been quite the bummer without her being very decisive on things. I’m good. I’m happy. Yeah, I actually am happy. I’m at ease and I’m calm (possibly the help of Jack here, but we’ll leave that up to debate.) So… I guess I’m free to move now, to make a move on any other girl now hahaha… The sad part being of course, that I have actually taken an interest in Alexis, and I know that it’s sort of unhealthy at this point, but I do like her :| I’d want to take things slow though, but if I think about it, with her being all… you know, Jocelyn’s cousin and all, she’d be really open to sex and stuf >.> It’s a bad topic to talk about, but it’s something that has got me more than curious, so shut up and listen to it. It could be interesting ._. lol.

In the end, what does it all come down to? I’m not bitter, and I’m not you know… Anti Tze Ni or something. Not what you’d expect at least. I still respect her that much for ending it well and heeding to my wishes, so yeah, I think it’s hit it’s best possible ending at this point, a bit forced, but I’ll get over it more than easily. (In fact, I was surprised myself at how much I just forgot about Tze Ni as soon as I had Alexis and Jocelyn over… Mostly coz of Alexis, but… we’ll consider that later.) One would ask me, was it worth it? was it worth it being loyal to her, loving her until the end of things? I would say, yes. I would give a hearty yes, and I would say that I have no regrets. Sure I’m a little bit disappointed that our little dream didn’t really come true, but that doesn’t really matter to me at this point. I mean, the future is an endless plethora of possibilities, and the possibility, of course, still hold true that we MAY get back together one day, though I can assure you, if that day ever comes, it’ll be her asking me back, and not the other way around. My conscience is clear and I am loving myself for it. I love the way I deal with things. hahaha. I’m not going to harp on that possibility though. Now that my constraints have been fully cut, I would really want to see how things go with other girls. I’m like this animal finally with it’s chain cut and stuff :< hahahaha

I know that with me writing all of this, it makes it sound as if that through this whole past year, I did not love her at all. I’d like to weight in on that to say that that’s not true at all. I really did love her with all my heart, and I really did care for her with all my heart. I’m happy that she found someone new to take care of her, and I really hope that he does, but at this point, for me, although I know that I did love her ( I still do, but I’ve already started a memory wipe on my cognitive self) I’ve already begun with the preparations to fully move on with life, and well, life without her really isn’t all that bad anyway. hahahah.

I know it sounds really bad at this stage, but I wonder if anything would ever come out with me and Alexis. :| I don’t really want to try at this point, not because it’s too soon, but… well… yeah. I just don’t. I feel that right now though, I may be just a little bit on the fragile side though. I feel that one wrong move could have me you know… Losing control of my emotional self and having sex with whoever (which I almost fear will be Melissa, because she’s coming over tomorrow, but I’ll try my best to keep it all in my pants. Who knows, I am sure things will be a lot better tomorrow. Besides, better Alexis than Melissa : D TEEHEE.) Hmmm… Yeah. In the end, the only real place I have to talk to for all of this is my blog. I have tried it with other people, I have tried it with Tze Ni, I have tried it with friends and family… it all just does not work as well. The blog listens and the blog does not question back, the blog just… takes it all in I suppose.

Brb, moar whiskey :| Okay, so I’m back. Look. I gave it all that I was for Tze Ni. I really did. I never did skimp on the details, I was a perfectionist at it right up until the end. I tried my best, and if it didn’t work out, what do I have to be ashamed of right? what indeed to I have to be ashamed or sad about. I loved her, but she didn’t love me as much as I did her, so be it. I can live with that. The strangest thing now is that I don’t feel a cent or a dime anymore for Tze Ni. I am not sure if it’s only for today, but it almost feels as if it’s transcended onto that level of… well… Osheenn. Like how when I type her name, albeit not yet the same, because I still feel a LITTLE bit when I write it out, I mostly feel nothing but good memories, and respect. I am really glad I live my life this way. I am really happy that I do, and well… yeah. I think that my mourning period is some what over now, and that I’m free to move on.

The wonders of blogging it all out and feeling contended and at peace. I still keep a lot of what I had with her though. I still find myself very environmentally friendly now, more than before, and I find that I want to exercise more, and do exciting things :o hmm. Even that half marathon is still on the tablet imho. See? This is how I know that I really said everything with pure intent, and that I really did give it a 110% :3 In the end, I’m happy. I’m good. I’m satisfied. I am ready to move on, being a slightly more changed person than I was before, and I will admit that she helped to form me into who I am now, whether she actually gets to reap the benefits of it later in life… well… that’s for HER to play around with. I’m a free man BITCH! : D

Hahaha, yes. People say that I’m strange, and I think I can understand why. I don’t think my way of living is flawed though. I give everything it’s fullest shot, and I had my cooldown period already, so… MEH! Fuck you if you think what I’m doing is wrong right? :P hahahah. Indeed, fuck you if you think it is. I don’t have any tears to cry or frowns to spare anymore. I’m happy and I know it. :)

 

TIME TO BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER.

 

HAMSTER OFF AND OUT (believe it or not, actually excited :|)

Happy 25.

A little bit of mid baking blogging. Baking my own Chocolate cake today, trying something a little different, apart from being the first time I'm actually baking a cake. I'm going for a flourless cake, so lets see how this all turns out. Could be a good or a bad thing, but lets see shall we...

Needless almost to say, there's a lot of missing Tze Ni going on today, and well, yeah. I just do. I love her and I miss her. Hahaha. Funny thing is that I went and looked at Justin's birthday which Sandra took, (which funnily enough, I never really knew that his birthday was like 4 days before mine) and I actually saw her in the photos. Now, if that sentence sounds a bit weird, that's because I was taken aback a little when I saw the photos hahaha. In those photos, she kinda looked... almost like an older auntie in terms of dressing style and what not, to the point that I found it actually quite funny hehe :P Regardless though, as... unflattering as they may have been, I still love her, even for her... uhm... not so flattering moments or looks hahaha. What can I say right... I'm a dedicated man :)

I have been scolded quite a lot these few days, for my somewhat undying love for Tze Ni. People have called me stupid, worried for me, things like that. I suppose that in many ways it really is silly, and well... Melissa even says that I do not deserve to be treated like this, considering I've done nothing wrong. I know this. I know this very very well, and yet despite having heard it time and time again, I have to say that I'm still unwavered by it all. I really do love her, and it really doesn't matter to me, all these things. I know I am strong. I know I can take more than a hit. I know I will make it through, the only thing that worries me is being left alone with this feeling. Even then, that isn't all too bad. I can still deal with that, as long as I know I tried.

All I can say to you is that this is how I am, and I see things through to the end, and I don't give up on them half way. I must know my answers before anything can happen. In this case, I must know if we would ever work back again, rather than chopping it up to, I'm hurting now and it's painful, hence I'll back out from it. I'm sorry, I'm not like that. When I love, I love completely and whole heartedly, and this means taking all the suffering and pain that comes with as well.

I am one who does not run away as soon as things get tough. Enough said.

I love Tze Ni, and I'm gonna try to make this work, and if it doesn't, then it's still okay. I walk out conscience free and clean.

Mwah. KISSES LOVES AND HUGS. You have no idea.

Thoughts on the 25th.

I know it's a stupid time to be posting this sort of stuff, but it's just hitting me hard this time around. She has wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook instead of calling me. Okay, it just got into my birthday, and there is still hours left into it, but I doubt anything else will happen at this rate. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she wrote, but somehow... I feel sad and Melancholic.

Did I really want her to call? I don't know actually. Would it have been better? I don't know as well. I really don't know. I start to question to the matter of fact that I am just sad because I miss her, just like how I was not long back when she messaged me on WhatsApp. I kinda tore myself a little back then as well, when I come to realise just how much I really do miss her and love her. This could be the very same thing.

I like to ask myself this very question. Middle of this year, we had a talk with each other, where she called me on Skype to talk to me, and confessed to reading my blog and so on so forth. That day itself, we were supposed not to talk to each other for 1 year from then, to supposedly make things better. I won't lie. At that point in time, I was ready to move on and just forget about things and live my life, relationship or no relationship. She then proceeded to message me after about our parents meeting and stuff, and then last month about her laptop and stuff, and well, I won't count this occurrence, because this is a birthday after all.

My point is... if she really wanted me to get over her and move on, she could have really easily done so by leaving me alone and just leaving me be. I was on the right track, I was happy, I was... slowly forgetting about her, minus the dreams here and there that haunted me. I was making progress of sorts is my point. I feel that a lot of what she has done has reversed this, and whether its intentional or not is something I have yet to find out. I really don't know. I wish I had closure of some sort at this point though. It hurts to miss her so much, and at the same time love her.

I have really realised how much of a weak spot I have for her. I wonder if she knows this. I wonder if she takes advantage of this. I feel that right now if she was not interested in us getting back together, and was just doing this willy nilly, and then went on to date some other guy, I would truly be broken and shattered. It wouldn't have been so bad if she had left me alone to just let go of her, but she didn't allow that to happen, even right now, her parents as well don't really allow me to do such things. In the end I find myself loving her and somewhat stuck on her, a sadistic torture play that I somehow can't say no to, because if I do I feel as if I may regret it. In the end, I put up with all of this, and let it be natural to me. It still hasn't assimilated well with me.

So what am I trying to say with all of this. I don't know really. I don't know. I want to know if I'm on the right track I suppose. I want to know if I'm really wasting my time on this. While I don't regret anything of what I have done so far, I do question if it's worthwhile continuing to pursue this. It's not an easy question to answer. I wish I knew the answer. I wish she would give it to me. I wish I would stop hurting so much from loving her... Yet... I don't wish to stop loving her. I don't wish to love her any less than I do now. I do not wish for any of that. I just.... I mean, if it's going to happen, at least make my passage smooth and easier I suppose.

Questions without answers. What will she do, what happens from now on end indeed. The bright way to of course look at the whole thing now is to say that well, this is the 2nd last birthday that I'll have without her, with next year's really being the last last, and the subsequent ones after that a possibility to spend with her if history and the future bends that way. I wonder if I am over attached to her, even with me not being together with her. I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if I'm stupid. I wonder if I love too much. I wonder if I have loved the wrong person. I wonder...

Yet strangely, the question I ask myself at each day still retains the same answer to me, and that is I really do want to end up with her, and spend my time, my life and my days with her. I love her.

Sigh. What will they ever do with me. What will become of me. Will we ever be one again? Will we ever love each other like before again? Will it all turn out okay?

4 hours 33 minutes into my 25th birthday and she's still all I can think about. I am not sure if I should call myself dedicated or pathetic.

hamster off and out. Missing his hamster.

You are the light, you are the key, you’re everything, you’re all I need.

I thought you
were done for sure
But then you stayed
And I wonder when your walls
Came down

You were scared
And so afraid
But something changed
And I wonder when your walls
Came down

As we look to the sky
And we see the sun
And the whole future lies
Before us looking bright

You are the light
You are the key
You're everything
You're all I need

You are the one
To carry me
You're everything
You're all I need

You're all I need

I thought you
were done for sure
But then you stayed
And I wonder when your walls
Came down

You were scared
And so afraid
But something changed
And I wonder when your walls
Came down

As we look to the sky
And we see the sun
And the whole future lies
Before us looking bright

You are the light
You are the key
You're everything
You're all I need

You are the one
To carry me
You're everything
You're all I need

You are the light
You are the key
You're everything
You're all I need

You're all I need

Thought

Just finished out helping my brother with his project for his college. Mostly ended up with me doing everything essentially, the only other thing he did was just him being the subject for the project, but everything else was done by me, the directing, filming, ideas and the editing >_> Yay. It WAS fun though, and it was quite educational in many interesting ways, so yeah. Still, hope he appreciates it heh >_>

May just be a short post as I come into terms with the idea of something which cropped up in my mind, which obviously makes a whole lot of sense to me, but may not really be the truth of course. The idea steps from the... well... idea of myself. I love Tze Ni, and nothing else can really compare to my love for her. Because of that, I have learnt that I really don't want anyone else, that no one else will do, and I do want to be with her, and she makes me really happy and stuff like that, hence therefore, I want to be with her and marry her and stuff like that haha.

So, building on that idea, if ever she feels the same way about me, and I trust that she does at least to some extent, would it not be possible that she would be doing the same thing on her end? especially if she may not get together with anyone there mainly because she wants to study, and it may end up in another long distance relationship? Plus I'm sure that she also more than knows about my feelings for her, so maybe she does feel quite secure in that sense. Maybe she WILL really stick it out as well, just like how I'm holding up now, until the time we can be together again? not really a far fetched an idea as it may sound actually. If then above said situation is true, then by my ideals, and should be by hers, the only thing that would come in between all of this is if we really decided to see someone else for whatever reason, be it the inability to see anything in each other anymore, or just plain jane attracted by someone else.

On that matter then, I'm not really very easily attracted to other girls I think, and I suppose that normal girls find it hard to be attracted by me. Her though, since she's a girl, she really doesn't quite fall short of her admirers and crushes, and I know this, but she has her own level of class and well, I AM really under the idea that she won't choose just anyone as well. hmm. That and for me, I really do want to see where we'll go before I give up on it, and if she feels the same way... then she'll know that seeing someone else is essentially closing the door to a near permanent for the both of us. Just thinking out loud here, to draw quite sensible rulings in the end.

Still, don't let all of this talk fool you :3 I'm still very much in love with her, and would very much like to spend my time with her. Alas though, I need to get some sleep, as it is 6:30am now. I do wish that she'd talk and chat to me just a little, but I won't ask anything of her. For all I know, she's probably having her tests or exams right now or something, so yeah. I won't be too much of a nosy nelly until maybe come December or so.

One thing's for sure though. Through the course of all of this, I'm finding it easier for us to get back together, slowly but surely. I suppose then that the hard part has past us, and it's only going to get easier and simpler from now on end. Hmm. At least to me, it's a pretty simple dilemma/ conundrum anyway. I love her, and that's pretty much all I need to know. I'm simple like that anyway :)

Mwah, kisses loves and hugs baby :) I loves you so much. MWAAH!!~ Sleep tight :3 NIGHTS

Hamster off and out. Crazy, or in love, or still crazy in love... You decide.

I suppose stalker and creepy works too, but I'm too optimistic for words like that. :P

A bit much?

Yeah, remember how I was saying how I was having dreams about her? >_> yeah... It didn't really just stop at that dream, interestingly said :< I woke up this morning to two more extra, so that brings up the count to 3 dreams in one night, all about her >_> yay lol. I mean that in all seriousness though. I feel relatively happy, but I do, of course miss her very much.

Don't really know why, but the propensity for me to write stuff up these days are quite high. I guess I do have a lot of it bottled up within me, and even right now, I feel that writing in this blog in itself is just so insufficient. Really wish I could instead be cuddling with her and stuff like that, but alas, it's not for now I suppose. From what I know of her schedule and things like that though, I suspect that she's having her exams about this time right now, or at least preparing for them, and so I don't really want to pressure her either. Perhaps one could say that I'm running away from any sort of ultimatum, but in that sense, without her having said explicitly so herself, it's hard for the both of us to sort of go from here.

I really do at least suspect though, that she still does have feelings for me, and that me keeping up some form of contact with her would be a good thing. I may have mentioned this before, but I guess one of the reasons she could have stopped chatting me up as often would be because she felt as if she had been over me, and only to find out not really... That or she could have just plain Jane missed me. They're all possibilities that I don't really want to discount at this point in time :x Anything could happen I suppose, but I tend to wonder, even if she did still have feelings for me, how long would it hold up for? After all, while not exactly short, its still quite a surmountable amount of time before she can actually come back to Malaysia to work :<

Talking to Jocelyn, she said that I should maybe consider working in UK, and asking Tze Ni if that would mean us getting back together. Something along the lines of that. I don't know. I don't think that's the right way to approach things, and it's very short sighted, and kind of high octane pressure into dealing with the situation. Sure, that kind of move would force an Ultimatum out, but at the same time, I think it'd be the worst kind of ultimatum, the kind where I'm being really selfish and I would be doing this more for myself and not so much for the both of us. I don't know, I just feel as if a relationship isn't really something in particular that she needs at the moment, and forcing one on her is just a really stupid idea. I'd rather let our paths converge onto one another again, then deciding from there, rather that forcibly making it so. I don't really mind getting back together with her, but even as I say that, I don't know if it would be such a good idea to have it so soon, meaning that I right now as well, no matter how much I may pine and yearn for her, would not really go back into a relationship with her, at least not yet. I still feel that maybe middle next year when she's back, would be a better time, if things went that way. I mean think about it. By that time if she's back, even if for her internships and her holidays, we would both be under that understanding then that there would only be about a year between the both of us until we can finally be together together. I think that it would be then that would make the better start, or a restart if you will, for the both of us. I suppose if you consider it that way, then that's really no more than 6 months and a bit before anything like that, HECK, MAYBE EVEN SHORTER! We're talking about December to the end of May after all, and wow. That really isn't THAT short now is it :< She'll be only heading back again in September, and back again in May, and that's something that I can accept. Perhaps if it were to happen again, we would tell ourselves to not be too serious about it before then, just you know, take things as they come without any pressure. I think that would really be the way to go. Yep. I think that would be the better conclusion.

I suppose that by writing this all down here I've found my own sweet spot onto how to deal with all of this. Heck, even her not reading my blog anymore could be more of a good thing than bad after all. I suppose one of the bad things about her reading my blog, would be that she would spoil the surprise for herself if I really decided to do anything. This way, I can freely talk it all out in here, and still plan something for her. After all, part of the surprise could be the key as to making all of this work again. Given of course, that she may not have feelings for someone else at the moment, it could be still an advantage for me to come in and set things right once again. Still, I'm waiting for the 20th of November. I really do wonder if she's going to do anything at all, and the anticipation of what may happen is eating into me, gnawing at everything that I am on the inside. I love her, I really do want this to work, I really do want us to work.

I think that's all from me for now. Mwah. I love you Tze Ni :) Love you so very very much. Have a good day ahead okay? Kisses Loves and Hugs, from Hsin Yang :) Loves.

Hamster off  and out

High

Writing this on the better of moods, which seems to be very often these few days. I've pretty much overcome a lot of that negativity these few days and lately I've just been filled with... well, quite a bit of positivity and happiness. Make due with what you have and try and look beyond what we see and believe after all.

I actually met her parents last weekend, as in last Saturday (today just turned Monday), and I swear, just as before, they really do love me and well.. they really DO love me hahaha damn. I met up with them in Empire in Subang, and while I kept avoiding the subject of her (didn't really want to bring it up unless they did, I don't really need to go talking about her and you know... my feelings for her to her parents :<), they were the ones who of course, without a doubt, brought her into the conversation. Most of what I had to say though, was of course my outlook towards the whole entire thing up to now, in that sense how I really was leaving her to make her own decisions of her life and things like that. Her parents then added in and said stuff like... well, her mom said to keep in contact with her, to try and talk to each other, while her dad was epicly hinting me to be a lot more aggressive with courting her LOL. I mean, really... I find it funny, but also amusing at the same time, and yes, I'm actually quite happy that her parents do like me that way.

Over the course of lunch, her mom, time and time again, kept mentioning about how she would be back in KL to work, and that how she (her mom) was so happy that I was back in Malaysia to stay hahaha. Her dad on the other hand though, was... really buddy buddy with me haha, being quite physical and close to me, telling me that if I ever needed any help from him, that I should just ask for it. I suppose though, that the funniest part of all for me is how when her mom started talking to me about how Tze Ni did the half marathon, and then I added in and said... "Yeah, she told me about it sometime back", her mom just LIT UP like a Christmas tree. Her mom had this REALLY happy look on her face, to know that she was talking to me, and in her own way, keeping in contact with me. I could see at that very moment, how much her mom would be SO happy, if in the end I did end up with Tze Ni, you know, married and with children and stuff. I found it... funny, amusing, and very heartwarming. Needless to say, after that meeting with her parents, I left the place with a smile on my face and a warmed up heart.

My feelings for Tze Ni hasn't really changed over the months or years. If anything, they may have fluctuated and grown, dwindled, only to get fleshed out that much more. I actually woke up at 12am (the time now is 3:28am) from a slight nap. I had a dream about Tze Ni for the first time in a very long time, and it was a very good dream to me to be honest, and I was really happy about it when I woke up. I say first time in a long time, in the sense that it was a good dream. I haven't had good dreams of her in a while is what I'm saying (the last one being that epic disaster that left me utterly broken). The dream in particular though, wasn't anything special by any means. From what I recalled about it, I was somewhere in London with her, having lunch or so with her by a park bench, and then just smiling and enjoying the company with her together. After that, she had to head back to class, so we gave each other a kiss on the cheek, and she went off while I sat there and smiled to myself, happy and complete. That was pretty much all my dream was hehe, but what a dream it was :)

I don't really know what it is about today though. Today in particular, after I woke up I went and watched a bit of television, something that I had not really done in a year (Discovery Channel and Science stuff yay!), midway through, I randomly had the strangest feeling of how I could really feel her right beside me at that very moment, in her usual house clothes, just leaning onto my shoulder as I watched television, and just looking at each other and smiling. I suppose in many ways now, this sounds kind of creepy, but whatever man, this is my blog, I get to write whatever I want onto it. hahaha XD I have the freedom to do so. So yeah, fuck you, because I really do love her with all my heart. Fuck you, because I really really REALLY do, and I won't EVER lose to anyone in that department :P

I suppose one could say that I'm really high on love at the moment. Despite not having seen her in a long while, despite not having been in a relationship with her for longer, despite all of that, I really do love her even more, and this keeps escalating with every passing day I find. To this point, I find that I don't even really bother with obsessing that she's far away, or the decisions that's really supposed to come to put me at ease. I don't really care, because I think to the me now, one way or another, it doesn't really matter what she answers, because I'm coming for her. It's really only a matter of time for me. I write it here because I don't really fear the scrutiny here, but I am really as well not going to stray much from the idea that if we ever do get back together in the end, not long after we do, I would really consider proposing to her and you know, getting married and stuff, because well... that would really make me the happiest man alive, no doubts about that. I really do love her that much, and yeah :) I'm feeling really good at the moment. Of course, within the course of all of this, I would still like it if we spent more time with each other after that, before we do anything too much more serious, as we didn't really get to "be" together physically that much when we were dating. It's something that I'd really like to have with her.

So sue me. I love her, and throughout the span of this whole entire year, easily said, with this blog acting as a testimony to my feelings for her, I still love her with all my heart, and yeah, I want something to come out of this. I don't even bother with words like hoping for or what not anymore. I really do want something to come off this. I think the logical option for me at the moment would be to really try to keep in contact with her. I'm actually waiting to see what my birthday heralds for all of this as well to be honest. I mean, to me there, are about a few options that could possibly happen, each telling a story of it's own. Number one being that she does nothing about it and she just ignores the whole entire day together. Ouch. Number two being that she sends me a birthday text message wishing me happy birthday. Still kind of lacking, considering all that I have done for her and so yeah... meh-ish. The third, and I suppose the more preferable one for me, is her calling me and wishing me happy birthday, and no matter how short the conversations may be after that, we still talk. I would be very happy :3. The fourth then would be anything above that, to which I would be just... insanely delighted, but it's also I suppose the smallest of all the possibilities. With that said, I think it's entirely obvious that I'm more excited about her reactions for my birthday rather than my birthday itself. You wouldn't be wrong hahaha.

I'll write her an email come the passing of the new year in a months time. It's something that I want to do, and I want to write and just talk to her and ask her about her life there and things like that, and try not to bring up much about our relationship and stuff like that. I will however, throw in a short of my feelings at the end, but that's all I'll give to her I suppose. I'm already quite excited for all of this hahaha

So yeah, I think I may just end my whole entire writing session here. Its been fun. It really has. I rarely find myself in such a good uplifted mood to write like this, and having done so... it feels good :) I love her so much and I REALLY REALLY DO WANT US TO GET BACK TOGETHER IN THE END. I LOVE YOU TZE NI, AND ONE DAY, I WANT TO GET MARRIED WITH YOU :D MWAH! KISSES LOVES AND HUGS BABY :) I'm gonna go have a shower then rest for a bit more, before I head out in the morning for more photoshoots :|

KISSES LOVES AND HUGS. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF :3 I LOVE YOU! :D <3 hahahaha

hamster off and out.

Life as it is

Perhaps life really is getting worse as time goes by. Perhaps I'm doomed to suffer this way. Perhaps I'll have my salvation sooner than I think. Perhaps it may come from a source I would never have expect. Perhaps it may not come at all..

a lot of thoughts running through my head now. Perhaps not thought per se, but emotions stirring themselves into a terrible concoction that ends up more volatile than any bomb or flammable liquid. I miss Tze Ni, and I love her so much. I am disappointed in my mom once again, not only further proving herself as an imperfect being, but as a rather irritating and self righteous one as well. I'm willing to at least admit it when I make mistakes, and I own up for it. She doesn't even come close to comprehending that she can make mistakes, because in her mind, she probably doesn't. If I were to say it, then yes, I love Tze Ni way more than I love my mother, and at that, way more than even 3x. Let's just say that there's not much left for my mother, not because Tze Ni stole it all from her, but because Tze Ni has earned it more than my mother has. I think that could possibly even be the reason as to why my mom was so defensive around Tze Ni, because obviously, here comes the first female that I love more than my mom, but to be honest, that's not a difficult thing to top at all. Heck, I can even safely say that I have more feelings for Alexis than I do for my mom. That's really how bad it is, and lord knows I have tried to make things work, but to no avail.

I am tired. I am emotionally tired. At times like these, I really wish I had someone to hold me and hug me, to tell me that it'll be okay, and that I can sort of express my love for as well. These are the little things that I really want, but I can't get them. Because of that, I'm depressed. I'm emotionally depressed, and that wouldn't be a lie. I'm emotionally depressed not only because I miss Tze Ni, and she's not here, and I don't know what else is going to happen between us, but because my mom is an energy vampire to me, who with barely any effort at all, sucks all the life out of me... but perhaps as well there's some parallel to this. She's not even bothering to listen at all, she's not even TRYING to. She just wants to be correct and have people say some stupid magical sorry for no good reason. I even mentioned to her that she's trampling on emotions and respect, and she's like "No, I'm not doing that". I say it because I'm feeling it and you ARE doing it, but denial is all you can think of instead of listening, and that's why I stop talking, and I stop listening. I can not respect someone like that, ever. EVER. It's not because I became wild after going to Australia, but I have learnt the values of respect, and how important it is. Heck, you even step on your friend in front of everyone, and you can still be so in the air, big headed and righteous about it. You're a god damn dictator is what you are.

I don't have much good things to say about my mom. At this point in time, she's more of the equivalent to my father's girlfriend or wife at this point, rather than my mom. To be a mom would mean to have done motherly things for me, and treated me like a beloved child. After all, there's no love like a mother's love right? Sadly, I had none of that as a kid, and they're still things that ring with me so harshly till today. I never got this mystical mother's love that I see people talking about all the time. I never got it, and I never understood it. I will probably never attain it in my life, and I will never feel what it's like to really be loved by a mother. The closest thing I have ever got to that is Tze Ni's mom. Really.
What does it mean to have a mother. How am I supposed to feel about these things. This isn't about me being a rebellious son anymore, this is about me saying that I never felt the love of a mother, and yet I am subjected to a non compliance of respect for her, to be kicked down on my knees and told shit like oh you're fat now, or oh, you're unhealthy, to be BELITTLED and MADE FUN OF, like telling me stuff like 'Oh if you climb mount KK you'll get a heart attack'. That really shows how much you know about me. I hope that one day you get to read all of this to be honest. I hope that one day you get to read it with an open heart and understand that it's not because I want to smite you for some stupid reason, but because I genuinely am unhappy with the relationship with you, and the worst part is that there's nothing that can be done now to make it better. All it would be is just compensation for some childhood I was supposed to have.

So yeah. Why do I want to be loved so much gathers its traces really well right down to my school days. I never felt the love from my mom, and my dad, while he does, he's kinda clumsy with it. It's not bad, but sometimes you just want more. I got outcasted and segregated in school, I got bullied and made fun of, and girls have cried before upon knowing even that I had feelings for them. I had no love at all as a kid. I am love deprived. I think that's just the truth. I am broken from the lack of love, yet all these people just won't understand it, and just force me to do things I am not used to, or try to open myself magically to them. It takes time, for someone like me who had to crawl out of his own darkness pretty much alone, without anyone to help me. I learnt that I only had myself to rely on in times of need, for anything. That is why I'm like this.

Even then, I have opened myself up a lot more since then, and I have of course been talking to people about my feelings, my emotions, my sadness and things like that. Still, the very person whom I opened it up for isn't here with me anymore, Tze Ni, and I don't even know if she still loves me anymore. In the end all I feel is vulnerable, hurt, alone, and underloved. That, surprisingly sums things up pretty well. It really sucks to say that all my happiness that I can think of now, are just memories of the past, and the things which were. Still, I have no good memories of me and my mom though. If you consider us NOT fighting, and just keeping quiet, and me just ignoring shit as the good times, then yeah, sure. Whatever right.

God, it's difficult being me. I merely seek the most basic, and most powerful of all emotions, love. I want to be loved, and I want to be loved unconditionally... Sigh. It's hard being me, and I am in chronic depression mode. I wonder how many people know this and can pick up on this.

Blog, I am really sad, and I am really alone. I am really feeling miserable, the most miserable that I have been in a while. I can't sleep despite being really tired, and I am here on my tablet typing this down in the dining room in the dark, because I can't sleep, and I really just need to be alone. I am confiding in a can of beer, and I know that it's bad, but if it helps me sleep, I'll take what I can get. I'm sad, and I'm depressed. The saddest part about all of this, is that in the event that I died even now or tomorrow, I would have no regrets. That's the really sad part. No regrets, because I really have given the people whom I care about all that I am, coming clean with them, telling them how I feel, and I don't get close to feeling anything back in return. I wouldn't go so far as suicide, but I can easily say that I don't really value my life now as much as I should.

It's hard, and it's painful. Above all else, I am alone in all of this, because the very people I have trusted with these things have attacked me for it, or left me alone and abandoned me. Understand then as to why I am apprehensive about talking to people anymore. I'm jaded. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to love, but I don't want to love anymore. I don't know. I just... I just want to surrender right now to everything. I really am so extremely depressed right now that I don't want to talk to anyone, and I really am not above taking a sleeping bag and sleeping outside the house, alone. That, in itself sounds even better than sleeping in my room. How sad is that right.

I have never really asked for much. I feel that to be the truth. I have never asked for money to buy expensive toys, I have never asked more of people than which I feel is reasonable, all I usually ask for is love, understanding and perhaps a listening ear and some sympathy and comfort as well. I don't feel like I'm getting any of the above, and I don't want to trouble my friends over this sort of thing. It's none of their business to help me through this. When I can't even rely on loved ones... then that to me, is when you know your life has fallen apart.

I have nothing much else to say, except that I really am sad, alone, and depressed at the moment.

Someone, anyone... just... save me from all of this... Even just a hug would be good. A real, warm hug, and a whisper, a genuine whisper in my ear to tell me that things will be okay...

Alas, even then, I may be asking for too much.

Hello Blog

Hello Blog. It's me again. I am writing in for reasons obvious perhaps by now, because I've been thinking a lot about her, and I just need someplace and somehow to rant this out, and as usual, I always choose my blog, a good place to do so without any scrutiny or fear of anything happening or you know... stuff like that. You come in here at your own perils after all, this blog is semi hidden from public view.

I guess that'll let the lighter things out of the way first, in that she changed her profile picture. No, it's not some other picture with some other guy, it's a relatively normal Tze Ni picture, and well, I guess I am just feeling a little apprehensive and perhaps sad that she changed out of the photo I took for her back in KK. Nothing too big in that sense, but... I guess I tend to be that sort of guy who needs reassurance and shit like that... and being in a non relationship that I am now, how can I ask for anything like that right? Yeah well, I'm me and apparently I can. I don't even know what's going on between us anymore, but either way I can't ask for anything. Just doing the usual ranting, to let out emotions and you know... at least document it somewhere so that it's know that I do love her, and well... I don't want that to fade away.

So yeah, I still do love her, and I still do love her a lot. I try not to ask much of this though, as I may have said, this is only something for me to handle so far, and things aren't going to get any better anytime soon, so yeah. I'll be meeting her parents this coming weekend, and I'm not so sure why they're so keen on meeting up with me each time, even though they wrote in before things like how they felt it was "ganggu" (yes, reading from things I have secretly read) that I was around Penang and around them, I'd almost expect them to stray away from me and leave me alone, but on the contrary, after hearing that I wasn't going to see them in Penang, they, or at least her mom, seems to want to find almost every time and opportunity to meet me, for reasons, once again, unknown to me. As I said, things aren't really going to get better, and I have been communicating with her in my own ways, it's just that she really isn't replying me, so... What can I really do about that. It's not in my ball park anymore.... And that's just putting it lightly. It's hard for me to get in tune with how powerless I feel in regards to dealing with her, and knowing that I can do absolutely nothing right now, as I have spent all my options, and that all that's left is about her.

I suppose that one of the other interesting things that is coming up, is my birthday. Now, if you know me well enough, you know that I don't really care much about my birthday, nothing too special imho, just another day in the year. What makes me anxious for my birthday to arrive this time around then? Well, apart from being 25, it'll be an interesting day to see if she will actually call me (or do anything at all for that matter), for my birthday. She usually does, even last year she did, and that was after we stopped dating. Still, It's been a year since then, so things have changed considerably, and as usual, she doesn't have any obligation to do so, or anything for that matter. I still am trying to get answers for all those communications she has kept up with me over all these months (still wondering why) and wondering why she can change from happy jolly go go at one point, back to no replying me. She's an enigma, and I can't say I'm fully enjoying that right now, and I'm not exactly in the best of situations anyway, being her ex boyfriend and all. It's... a complicated situation that I'm trying to deal with little by little I suppose.

I haven't really found myself drawn to any other girl in the meantime, except for maybe Jocelyn's cousin Alexis, but she's kinda a bit too young for me (7 years difference may not mean much when you're older, but right now it's 18 -> 25, and I'm not particularly okay with that. Even dating Tze Ni before, I had to close one eye and sort of go with it). I mean, I like her, but I kind of like her for all the wrong reasons as well, one of those reasons being that she really reminds me of Tze Ni in so many ways (I found out that she's born a few days after Tze Ni's birthday in May, yikes) and well... yeah, she's kind of got that vigor and spunk that Tze Ni has, and I appreciate that in a girl. Still, I can't get into a relationship with her, because as I said, it would be for all the wrong reasons. I am clearly not over Tze Ni as well (not sure when I'll ever be, it'll make it easier for me really if she found someone new, though that much more painful as well, but hey, that's life.). That and of course, I really don't want to be in a relationship right now (or do I?), but I do miss being loved and missed... and hugged... and well... yeah, told these things. I still feel a little bit guilty having accidentally (not really to some extent, coz I'm kinda mischievous at times like that, plus what, I haven't really been with someone else for a while now, you can't really blame me DX) peeked up her skirt when she was sitting down beside my bed (I realise how wrong this sounds right now, but there are reasons behind this, and Joyce was with her), having seen her... uhm... Yellow panties.... BUT EVEN THAT MUCH... reminded me of Tze Ni... and I'm not sure if I should even be saying this here, but it's just a pair of panties... of two girls, and it's my blog, so whatever.

I told Joyce after they both left my house that I was actually kind of glad that well... they had left, because Alexis reminded me so much of Tze Ni that I was actually getting sad on the inside from missing her, and that was a night where I ended up drinking more again, to try and calm myself down and not think so much, not really to forget. I can't really forget about Tze Ni, I mean... who is capable of forgetting someone whom which they love just like that? Not me at least. Sigh.

So everything considered, yes I still miss Tze Ni, I still love her, just like the very first day that we got together, no less even after 2 years of being together and 1 year apart, yes, I'm somewhat anxious about the 20th of November, and yes, I'm also somewhat anxious to meet her parents this coming Saturday, mostly because it would be interesting to see why they have been so keen on meeting me, that and... well... Yeah, I kind of miss her family too, but obviously not as much as I do her.

Love for me at the moment, is semi good and bad, and with a lot of ups and downs, but I never the less still find myself cheering myself up with thoughts of her and memories of us together, whenever I'm feeling down, or writing things out here. It really does make me feel a lot better that I'm putting it in words somewhere, and even if I don't go back and read them, they still help me cope with my days. Each time I find myself thinking of her and missing her though, I retreat to the balcony of my house instead, not really going and typing things out on my blog, and I can't tell you how many times I've retreated to my balcony, to just do a little quiet thinking, understanding, contemplating, and perhaps a little bit of missing of her. I talk to myself about how I miss her company, I miss being with her, I miss having her right beside me, I miss seeing her only smiles for me, and... I question, question what is god's plan within all of this, or whether this is a plan at all.

Love... Has it's ups and downs. Still, I don't regret falling in love with her, and I don't see a problem with still loving her. If my feelings have any sort of truth in it, then I don't see any reason why I should bury them, but instead pursue them. I think a lot of it boils down to my... purported mind sets of her. I always think that she's going to find someone else, how she'll leave me and things like that, and I think that's really got to stop, because I don't know any of this for sure, and hey, I trust her and our relationship together, at least back then. She's a loyal girl herself, so I think that she deserves at least that much... After all, even as my horoscope star sign says in match to hers, I have trust issues, and that I should learn to trust her more, because if I don't it'll be the downfall of us, even if in the event of us getting back together. I want to trust her I suppose, but above all else, I want her to be happy as well, even if it DOES mean finding another guy. To me, that's priority one for her, her happiness. As for me... well, I'll get by, I always have.

I think that I'm done for now, its been really fun typing this all out and blogging it out once again. I used to do this more daily when she was reading my blog, and it has really helped me out, and I can see why. Back then was more of a publicity stunt though, but I've had this blog with me forever for a good reason anyway. My peace and solitude, and perhaps documentation of my life, given that I'm a terrible liar as well.

I'll leave with just a few more words and words that I'd love to shout out loud, in hopes that she can hear it from the other side of the world. I love you Tze Ni. I love you so very very much, and you really do mean the world to me. My love for you has not diminished even after all this while, and I still do love you very much. Take care of yourself, enjoy yourself, and find your happiness... Just... don't leave me hanging here okay? You can't toss me a line, have me bite it, then just leave it there without having reeled it in at all. That's just cruel. Somehow or rather though, as my friends have said, I think to some extent, she doesn't want me to stop loving her, yet she doesn't want to get into a relationship while we've still got this distance... Sort of like trying to prolong it without going too far I suppose... Still, I know she said it unfair for me if she said stuff like that, but I still want her to say it never the less. I want her to be selfish with what she wants from me, and I want her to be vocal about it... if what's really going on is true that is. I want her to say that she still does love me, that she still wants me to love her and wait for her for 1 and a bit years more... because I can do that so much easier if she did, unfair or not, that doesn't matter to me.

Hamster off and out,
and mwah. I love you baby. So much that you'd probably never even realise. Love you so much.