I’m writing in because I draw parallels between what’s happening in my current situation to what has happened before. I know that this isn’t the first time that I have had to deal with something like this. This feeling I’m going through however sad it mad be isn’t exactly foreign to me, but maybe that’s why it’s just heart wrenching; because I still remember what it really feels like.
Perhaps to put things into better context, I believe that I have fallen for Alexis. I have fallen for Alexis in the love sense, and it is enough to have me forget a lot of things in my past and the shit that I went through. In short I am happy, or at least was. I don’t know if things between us would ever work out. It feels like history is repeating itself once again, where I try really hard to make something work for someone who doesn’t believe strongly enough in the idea of an us, despite having similar feelings.
This is why I’m stopping myself short of going too far. I have learned by now. I have experienced too much shit to know that as much as it hurts, I have to stop what I’m doing and get a clear standing as to what we are and where things are going and make sure both parties just agree to this. In a way though, I feel that I already know the entire answer to this. Whether I like it or not, and whether it was intentional or not… I know that I have been used emotionally, and as understanding and kind as I can be, it still hurts like shit.
I should have seen it all coming perhaps. I mean in the beginning all I ever was was a fling to her, and I think up until this point, no matter how much our feelings for each other may have matured, I think that’s all I’ll ever be at this point. Perhaps I pinned up hopes on something that didn’t even exist in the first place. Perhaps while I agreed to the idea of a fling, deep down I knew that I wanted something deeper than that and tried to achieve it. Maybe I’m just plain foolish.
Prior to this I was quite close and loving to her and I was very worried when the whole entire Sydney debacle with the hostage situation cropped up. I honestly was. I got a good amount of reciprocation as well when I told her about it, as she told me that she was very thankful that she had someone that was looking out for her, and she said that I have no idea how much that means to me. We talk lovey dovey sometimes, but when it comes to actual thinking about what we are and what to do on the long run, though I have my ideas on things, I think that she’s just avoiding it for now. Why do they always seem to avoid things. Why.
As a test of sorts I stopped messaging her for the whole of yesterday. I will stop messaging her for a while, just to see if she does get back to me. I feel replaceable. I feel like I don’t really matter at some point, that all she says right now to me is more of a general statement of having someone say those things to her rather than it being important to her because it’s me.
I want to see what happens if I stop messaging for a while. Will she come after me? will she come and strike up a conversation with me again? I’m tempted to have the serious talk with her. I am really wanting to do it. I know that it could possibly spell the end to everything that we’ve ever experienced and gone through together so far as two people in a relationship (albeit not announced), but I don’t care. I want to know things and I want to know where she stands in this whole entire issue with us.
I don’t feel that she’s fighting hard enough for anything to do with us, and I want to know whether she will at all. I just want answers. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know if I’m just throwing my heart away again, just to have it trampled and thrown away. I need answers. Above all else… I don’t know if I can take another full on heart break. It took me so long to climb out of that shithole that I was in and I can say that I’m free of it right now, but it just feels as if I’ve stepped into yet another one, one of the very same.
Maybe I just have shit luck when it comes to relationships. Maybe so. Maybe all that effort that I put in to choosing someone whom I feel is right for me and appreciates me is really… ineffective. Maybe it’s not ineffective, but rather just as I said above, that I have shit luck when it comes to relationships. 27 years into my life and I still have only 1 girlfriend and really only got intimate with two girls. That’s not to say that I haven’t had my share of girls that found themselves very much interested in me and being with me, but they just didn’t meet my criteria of what I wanted in a person.
I don’t know. I really don’t know anymore. I’m lost and confused as it is. All I only know is that I’ll hold my ground for these next few days, and see what happens after. I will also try and push a resolution to be found perhaps, because I don’t know how much more of this I can take and keep up with.
I’m being torn apart from the inside once again, while I throw out a smile for others to see.
