I will write because I feel like writing. I will write because I feel that It’s the right time to write about these things. I will write because I feel that there’s something worth writing about as I myself don’t know what’s really going on with me. I write because yesterday, I watched a movie with Chad called “What If”, and it stroke a chord with me, but in a very bad way.
The movie struck close to home I guess. It struck too close to home. The movie started off innocent enough actually. It started with this guy meeting his friend’s cousin, and consequently falling for her. The girl had a boyfriend. A boyfriend whom she loved very much, and he loved her very much too. As the movie progressed forward, so happens that the girl spends more time with the protagonist, more time than they should, and the boyfriend whom she loves has to go off to Brussels or somewhere along Europe for his job. You can still tell that he loves her very much in the way that he talked to her about it, and even gave her an open flight ticket for her to come at anytime to visit him if she gets too lonely.
Long story short, the new dude took over and the current BF lost… well not because he was being a terrible BF, but just because I guess… She gets together with new dude and they live happily ever after married and shit. Yeah. I don’t know. I felt kinda uncomfortable half way through. I felt uncomfortable as I started to draw parallels between what was happening on screen vs what actually happened to me in real life. I drew a connection except this time I wasn’t the protagonist of course. I was the boyfriend of this girl whom I loved and right before my eyes she was being taken before me. I wasn’t very happy through the movie, though I tried not to show it that much or say it that much in front of Chad.
I will not lie that after the movie, after I had gone to bed, I found myself with a bit of tears trickling down. I wonder why this is so or why this still hurts. I don’t know if it’s really because I miss her or because I kinda wished we were together, because I don’t really know how true that is. I don’t think that I miss her or miss being around her, yet when I see this and saw how closely the female protagonist behaved like her, I felt that sharp pain hitting my heart and just lost the mood to really watch the film. I don’t miss her and yet it hurts. I don’t wish to see her yet these kind of things still get to me.
Maybe it’s not so much because of the person in itself, but more along the lines of the amount of emotional trauma that it gave me. It could be just that. I did love her very much. I loved her with every fibre of my heart. I tried my best to make it work, I tried my best within my power to make it work, and yet it didn’t work. It didn’t happen. There’s that feeling of powerlessness. That feeling that no matter what you do, you’re just going to fail, and perhaps you’re just going to fail… because that other person is just not that into it, or maybe they’re being swayed by someone else, and the distance doesn’t do jack shit to help you to reinforce this situation. Yeah.
Admittedly even though it’s kinda rare now, I do wonder what she’s up to and wonder what we would have been if. I wonder then I realise that even in the event that we get back together, or things just work out again between us, it still won’t get rid of this feeling that I had. It makes me realise that it’s not so much about her and losing her, but perhaps just that feeling that I went through. That feeling of just losing and not being able to do shit about it. Not just losing anyone as well, but losing someone whom you loved so much.
Yeah. I think that’s the best conclusion that I can pull off from yesterday’s movie, that I’m still kinda traumatised by the whole entire thing, and perhaps that’s what’s marking me this adverse to love and finding someone new. I’ve been thinking for a while now on how I didn’t mind actually moving to Japan and finding someone there and settling down there, but the more I think about it, the more I feel it’s because it’s a new environment for me, that doesn’t pull back any of those more bitter than sweet memories, a place where I can go that I know won’t bring back any of these feelings for me.
That said though… that would be escaping the issue rather than working to be rid of it, so… it’s not really solving anything but rather avoiding it. Still, after a good 4 over years since perhaps, I kinda wished that I would have been more over the whole entire thing but I’m not quite there yet. I am starting to worry that it’s just not something that disappears with time, but rather something that I’d have to live with until something comes along that overthrows this feeling.
Yeah….
Love life sucks for me. Nothing new there.
Hamster off and out.
