AUSTRAAALLIAAAA WHY U DO THIS

Reasons for posting are a bit more serious this time around (not as if they haven’t always been, I have always been serious about loving her, but back to the point.)

I’ve taken a look at the Visa Application forms for Australia to try and get a PR and it is not looking very good. They have changed the whole system, and it’s a lot more strict now. For starters, just like before, my occupation needs to be in the SOL (Skilled Occupation List). I’ll be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in Games Graphics Design.

Now, officially, Australia doesn’t need arts graduates and designers, so I would be automatically booted out. However, I’m trying to apply into Australia as a Programmer. Here comes the 2nd bit, in which if I’m part of the SOL (meaning I have a chance to stay) then the applied for occupation (Developer Programmer) has to be closely related to the course I’m graduating in. In this case, I don’t think it really applies for closely related, but okay, let’s assume that it is and we move on.

2ndly, assuming I’m applying into Australia as a Developer Programmer, I need to be approved and credited by the Australian Computer Society, which I’m guessing won’t be an easy task, though if needed be I’ll try for that. I’ll probably need to sit back and take a few examinations for me to be accredited well.

3rd, assuming again all those went through, Lo and behold, I still don’t have a pr. No, now things have changed and THAT was apply for a Temporary Graduate Visa. A visa to temporarily stay in Australia for a chance to get employment and a Visa which probably lasts much shorter than a Student Visa that I’ll have to upkeep. Which costs me 290 AUD Each time. Yep, I just checked and it only lasts for one and a half years. And let’s not forget at all that I have to THEN still try and get an Australian PR and that is again if I’m not mistakened over 500 AUD for the application alone (all non refundable btw). Meaning if I get rejected even for a Temporary Graduate Visa, that’s 290 AUD gone down the pooper, and if for PR, then both over 500 AUD and 290 are down the pooper…

4th! Even if I managed to get myself a sponsoring employer by doing some seedy business (and the employer needs to fill out a lot of paperwork, and not to mention that as I am now, as a graduate of games and design, applying as a programmer, hoping to be sponsored, I’d that that I’m partway screwed) , I’d still only be toting around a temporary business visa. Yeah, you heard it, TEMPORARY. A better starting position perhaps, but I figure this is just too rare to even bother.

5TH and FINAL. I’m planning to head back to Malaysia by 2-3 years, to which I would happily forfeit my PR assuming I had one to begin with.

So we come down to this situation where I really want international experience, but at this rate there’s this HUGE obstacle in my way which I’m trying to figure out how to solve. Not cool by any means, not cool. So why not go back straight to Malaysia? BECAUSE! If I had that Australian experience, international work experience, it would greatly help my employment prospects would it not? WOULD IT NOT?

I’m officially bummed out by this, I’m caught in this next big crossroad in my life where I have to figure out the right roads to take and which is best for me. I don’t really know the answers for this one, I’m hoping to talk to my dad tomorrow and heavily consult him on this. I’m staying away from computer games while I try to figure this thing out. I’m wracking my brain here just trying to figure out the right thing to do. Blah.

At times like these I would have called her and talked to her and try to get her opinion on things as well, but who am I kidding, she probably has better things to do than worry about this. Besides, I haven’t talked to her since then and calling her to ask for advice on this kind of things… is just wrong imho…

On the stranger sides of things, she did come on gmail talk online for the shortest periods of time from what I’m assuming was invisible all this while… Went off before I could say anything though… What's up with that? O_o

Edit: Just without SOL, I get this:

Sorry

Unfortunately you do not meet basic requirements for immigration to Australia under skilled immigrant category.

 

SON OF A ******

Smithy.

Another afternoon another day. Looking down at the sheer amount of posts I make, the frequency of it, and not to mention the content, I sometimes wonder to myself how I always have so much to say that if I were to put it in a word document it would just stretch over a page long. It’s kind of amusing and interesting at the same time, as I know a lot of guys for that matter don’t really keep a journal like this like I do. Many can’t even find as much to write of past 2 sentences but I always find that I can do much better. Maybe because I’m more in touch with my psychology as well as emotions.

A lot of people usually give me this weird stare when I mention my email address, you know hamsteyr, as well as other things since this is my alias as well. I suppose what people don’t understand is my affliction with hamsters maybe. Ever since I was younger, I always had a thing for hamsters, they were cute and cuddly, but mainly cute. I grew to love them so much that I eventually wrapped my nickname around the word hamster as well.

On a behavioural front however, thinking about it I guess I am in the end quite similar to a hamster as well. I don’t have the best attention span, I eat a lot of wholemeal and grain, and maybe down to the community site as well. Hamsters are known to be animals that love being in a group. When you get yourself a pet hamster, you generally don’t just get a hamster, because sooner or later it’ll die of loneliness. In that sense, hamsters always work in pairs of two’s don’t they. A similarity to myself that I find interesting.

Talking about hamsters, I miss my hamster as well. Feelings from yesterday haven’t really subsided well, but maybe on that hand I’m glad they didn’t as well. I wouldn’t feel that much at ease if my feelings for her could be turned on and off just like that. Me missing her is something that truly makes me feel alive, and yes, I’d rather feel the pain of missing her than nothing at all.

A contributing factor perhaps that made me miss her even till now was the fact that I had a dream about her today as well. Too fuzzy to remember, but again all I know was that I was happy and smiling. Only difference with this dream (although I can’t recall it well) was that it felt real. The settings, the placement, the emotions, it all felt all too real.

From my dreams, I could remember looking at her, feeling happy yet sad at the same time in my heart. It came from the fact that she was right there infront of my and I could see her and hear her, but I think sad because I couldn’t do anything else. A mixed bag of emotions.

Looking at myself now, I obviously realise that I’m a very highly emotional guy as well. Not maybe to the point of break down emotional cry, but more of someone who considers his emotions very heavily. I suppose coming down to it I don’t suppose that there are quite as many guys like myself who are in touch with their emotional side. For starters society has a habit of labeling people like us as sissies or whatever anyway. I really couldn’t care less. I enjoy thinking about things, I enjoy exploring the possibilities in my head, I enjoy looking and working up plans all the time.

I do wonder a little bit though. Surely by now she would’ve more than known that I’m an emotional guy and am probably the most emotional guy she’ll ever know who expresses it. Irony being that of course she’s emotional herself, but I wonder if it has anything to do with us being hamsters hahaha. Anyway, down to it, I wonder if she disliked me being an emotional guy. Sometimes I do wonder to myself if I should attempt to be more… Normal.

But then again, why would I ever do that. The people who love me should love me for who I am and not who I am not correct? This is part of the whole package that is me, and trust me that while it may be a pain in the neck at times, this side of me allows me to be a sweet romantic, and well, my girl would be treated well at all times, and I do try to surprise her with little things while I can.

Come on, which other guy out there makes HAND MADE CARDS. Not a lot I tell you. How many other guys would bother coating bloody chocolate strawberries for their girl for valentines day! Making a box especially for them! Indeed I ask you how many guys really take their anniversaries seriously, or let’s put it this way, let alone take them seriously, how many guys remember their anniversary dates! I remember mine clearly.

January 16th 2009. The time when we first became a couple. I drove her in my little viva to Taman Megah where I was born, and parked my car at the side of the street while we took a slow stroll in the park there. The soil was a bit wet from the rain, and because of that she sort of got quite a bit of mud on her blue platform-ish shoes (the ones that have a wooden base). She nearly slipped at one point as well, and I reached out to grab her hand to try and hold on to her. We sat on a stone bench nearby because it was dry there, and at that point, I felt… Extremely nervous. I had absolutely no idea what to do. It was the first time I was ever in this situation, I was befuddled. I remember her sitting on my right, and she was so cute and beautiful that day, as the trees above her played with the lights shining on her face.

If it made it any worse, I remember having to deal with massive size ants that day, and worrying about them crawling from the bench up on my body and biting me. Ahaha, we really didn’t spend long on those benches and it was then that we went back to the car. I didn’t want to go anywhere else but to get the feeling off my chest. On that day itself I said it to her face in person, “Tze Ni, I really like you”. I could tell she was embarrassed and nervous herself. She was having difficulties looking at me, while smiling to herself as well. I kept looking at her and waited for an answer. I remember then that she said that she really liked me too.

One of the moments in my life where I felt as if time stopped for me and that everything just fell into place. At that point in time, I mustered all the amount of courage I had in myself and I said to her… “Can I kiss you?”. My blood was pumping, my heart was racing, I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t know what to feel. After a few seconds, she opened her lips softly and her faint sweet voice said to me, “yes”.

A turn of developments I would have never been able to see myself experiencing ever. Never did I in my 22 years of living at the time would I have imagined things to work out this way. I would have never imagined myself in this situation, let alone in this situation with this girl I met in PDL a few years before, whom I felt was borderline obnoxious and just plain difficult to deal with. She was loud, she went against everything that I said, she constantly tried to correct me, and she disliked it when I ignored her. Yet there I was, in the car with her, heart racing and blood pumping, only able to look forward, trying to keep my composure. It was then that it hit me.
My god, I’m in love with her.

I started to count in my head to try and behave as naturally as I could. I didn’t want myself to sit there silently and have the moment pass. I told myself, okay, on the count of three, you’ll lean over and kiss her. As I started the countdown timer in my head, my palms were starting to get sweaty. I felt the heat of my blood coursing through my veins. I tried to count down as normally and as I could silently in my head, trying to get the timings between the intervals right.

The number struck 3 in my head. Gathering myself, I leaned over and kissed her on the lips. My mind went blank. I couldn’t keep track of how long my lips touched hers. For the second time that day, but for the first time ever, my world around me disappeared as I closed my eyes. There was no sound to be heard, there was nothing to be seen. My senses had shut themselves down but only one emotion seemed to thrive in these conditions. The flame in my heart grew larger at that very moment.

I pulled myself away from her lips and looked into her eyes. They told me of happiness, joy and also surprise. The reality of what I had done had just hit me and I started to panic profusely. I panicked because for the first time in my life, nothing made sense anymore. I have always been a thinker, I have always been someone who relied on his brain to feed him feedback on the situation, to tell him what to do next. The brain had shut itself of, and I panicked.

I looked forward and ahead of me as I put both my hands on the steering wheel. I was shaking profusely. My arms did not keep themselves still. they were shaking and jittering like crazy. My heart was pumping insanely quick and my cheeks were flushed with blood as I probably turned a little bit red then. I remember jumping around in my seat a little, breathing a lot more loudly and audibly to try and control myself.

She looked at me, with a face that mixed together worry and happiness and said, “are you okay?”. All I could say to her at that point in time was,

“I DON’T KNOW! I CAN’T THINK, I FEEL SO JITTERY, I’M LIKE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!”
“Calm down! Relax! Hahahaha”, she said with a slight chuckle in her voice.

It took me a few minutes to actually get to an operational level. I calmed myself down but I just had to reaffirm what had just happened. I leaned over and kissed her again, this time for longer. It was almost magical. Everytime I looked at her, the more beautiful she got to me. I kept looking at her until I decided that we should get moving, and looked forward, to which then to our surprise, an old man living in one of the adjacent houses came out and was staring at us.

Still jittering all the way through and smiling to myself, it was then that I drove us to 1 Utama where we were to meet her brother for dinner in Sushi Zanmai… Not before I had to find a parking space in the parking lot there anyway… and that much is history.

Really, If I were to be asked to write a whole story about this, I probably could. Right down to the ribbon in her hair that day, I can remember quite well the details in the events that unfolded…

So much is a story that I don’t want it to end here. I want to be able to continue writing this story and see that it hits a happy ending, so that come time again that I’m asked to maybe tell it to my children, I’d be able to do it with all the happiness and glee in my heart.

I will continue building up my life’s story. After all, the prologue was great, the build up was even better, but now the climax is close at hand, the peak of the story, and I should buckle up for the ride.

This is Hsin Yang, and this is my short little story of life and love, dreams and hopes and the future and the past. :)

Adulthood.

Feeling a bit sombre, I find myself missing her more and more these days. Something which I can’t really say to her, and even if I had the chance to I don’t think I want to. Would probably just trouble her anyway if anything. So many things I would love to say to her though, so many things I really want to look her in the face and say.

If I did though, I’d be repeating myself all over gain, like a broken record stuck on loop. I want to hear her voice, I want to have a conversation with her, too many things that I want to which I know I can’t really have. Too many things which I know would be silly for me to expect, too many things that are just plain stupid to think about now.

So many questions once again, to which have floated back in my mind and to which I don’t have the answers for. The questions I ask however require me to have some magic mirror to her heart and what she’s thinking, and sometimes I ask myself whether I want to know the answers to the questions that I ask.

I’m feeling really homesick here in Melbourne. Some of my friend’s are already leaving permanently back to Malaysia, and it’s the one that lives close to me as well, so much for that… I really want to go back to Malaysia, and I don’t mean like just for a holiday, I mean like permanently. I’m starting to feel really out of place, like somehow this isn’t where I belong in the end. I know there’s some truth to this as well, as obviously I’m Malaysian, and I don’t feel like ditching myself to become Australian. I have never had any intention to becoming an Australian Citizen.

In the end if I became an Australian PR, I’d have to come back for 3 months every 5 years to maintain my PR. Not a short amount of time, but at least it gives me choices… In the end though, I ask myself, is it really worth it. I don’t think that I’ll even bother staying here for that long. The only thing that Australia holds for me now is to get International experiences in my portfolio and resume and CV…

How did I end up in this position, why did it suddenly hit me. Have I been in denial all this time? has my life really been so misguided by the thought of making extra cash in Australia?

I’m inclined to say so, I’m inclined to say that is the truth. On the other hand though, I’m afraid of returning to Malaysia. Not for anything else but for job prospects. I know its never as bad as it sounds and I can always start somewhere but again, the fear of the unknown really takes over for me.

In the end though, I’d like to maybe get myself back to Malaysia sooner than expected. I’d want to establish myself there, get a job, have a career and build myself up there. I don’t think there’s really much point in me working in Australia for a long period of time apart from wages and filling up my resume…

I don’t want to be so far from the people I love, I don’t want to be so far from my family, and I certainly don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. I suppose Long Distance has had it’s effects on me as well, clearly one that has remained a bit dormant until now. It’s funny how after a while of going back to Australia, I really don’t want to board the plane to leave anymore. Too many times I’ve went on that plane and watch her hold her tears back as I left to Australia.

If I’m ever going to be with her for the future, I don’t want to ever do that to her again. I don’t want to leave her side, I want to be able to say that I’ll always be there. That whenever you’re sad, I’ll be there, whenever you miss me, I’ll be there. Whenever you just want a hug or a cuddle, I’ll be there. Physically, to hold you and to reassure you that things will be fine, as they always have been.

Answers to the questions in my head. I really wish though, that when she said at the time, whether there’s be a future for us in the future that she really meant it, and I think I don’t doubt that she did as well, knowing her. She tends to be very honest when we have conversations like that. I wish I had answered it with, “The future IS us” though. Hahaha.

I suppose you can tell by now that I really want a future of us together, but I assure you, that Malaysia is something I want not just for her but for myself. I really want to try and build my future wrapped around Malaysia and her, and maybe, just maybe, I wish that she’d do the same.

Again I find myself asking for a lot, or at least what I think and feel is a lot. Thinking about it, yeah, she’s only 19 this year, but she’s into 20 the next already, and that’s just two months away, not a very long time. Still, sometimes I forget how old she is. To me it never did matter after a while. It didn’t matter that I was 5 years older, It didn’t matter what people would think and say (sugar daddy heh.)It all really didn’t matter.

When I was with her all I did was love her. There was no age, there was no conceptions, there was no history. There was just me and her, looking eye to eye and in love with each other.

Perhaps you can tell me blog if I’m crazy, crazy for thinking about so much when she’s just 19. Maybe so. Admittedly though I’m not the only one to blame, she really caught me off guard a few month’s back when she was talking about pregnancy and child birth and the right amount of kids. She’s always been the one to tell me that she’s only 19, but at that point I found myself telling her that, and it was still a while before anything like that would happen anyway. I won’t do something as irresponsible as take away her future when she has so much to live and experience for.

Still, come to think of it she’s turning 20 next year isn’t she. So strange when I started dating her at 17 that so much time has passed since then. I’ve grown, she’s grown, things have changed, obstacles have cropped up and obstacles have been overcome.

So then comes the big question. If one day I were to say to her that I wanted a future with her, and would work towards it, would she do the same and wrap her future around me as well? an answer to a question that I’d love to know. One that I’d probably ask while she’s still in UK and while I can somewhat tell that she still has strong feelings for me… After all I believe her when she said that I’m not an ordinary guy and that time and time again talk about our future with kids and dogs…

I’ve had my run I feel. I’ve experienced life at its best and at it’s worst that I feel that I am satisfied and am ready to just slow down my pace. Mentioned before, past Cempaka days, to count there have been more than 10 girls who have expressed their feelings for me. Malaysia, China, Japan, Brazil, Singapore, Australia, Vietnam to name a few… Mixed races too, ranging from Malays to Indians to Chinese to Vietnamese and well, Westerners.

Out of those few I dated only a handful. Out of that handful I made only one of them my girlfriend. I’ve really had my run. I’ve had my chance to be a really popular guy, I mean, even at this point I still have girls coming after me, and I think some are going a bit offensive now that they know my relationship with her is broken off. Still I know what I want though, and it’s not them.

I’ve had the crazy taken out of me, I’ve clubbed enough to know that I’m not a clubber. I’ve partied enough to know I’m not a party animal. I’ve drank enough to know that I’m probably going to mess my head a lot more if I keep this up.

Conversely, I’ve experienced enough outdoors to know that I love it, I’ve experienced mountain hiking to know how awesome it is, I’ve experienced the changes she brought on to me first hand to know that these are the things I want to do for the rest of my life, and not club all day, drink all day, play computer games all day or basically anything else I used to do.

I really feel like I’ve had my run, probably the only thing I still love is Snowboarding though. I absolutely love snowboarding, maybe because it mixes the outdoors with snow and the view together, 3 of the things which I really love, as well as the speed.

But yeah, I feel like I’m really ready to slow down and take life more seriously. Strange words coming from a 23 year old (at least till a few more weeks) isn’t it. I’ve always felt like I matured faster than my peers, and I suppose my talk of all of this would be further testament to this. I’m not interested in smoking, neither will I, and I have turned down the chances to do weed, because really I don’t need to.

I want to continue the next few years in my life with my passage into adult hood, and I really want her to be a part of it. Will you be an active part in this process of mine?

Taking a Chance on Love.

 

Here I go again
I hear those trumpets blow again
All aglow again
Taking a chance on love
Here I slide again
About to take that ride again
I'm starry eyed again
Taking a chance on love
I thought the cards were a frame-up
I never would try
But now I'm taking the game up
And the ace of hearts is high
All things are mending now
I see a rainbow blending now
We'll have a happy ending now
Taking a chance on love

[Instrumental break]

Here I slip again
About to take that trip again
Got my grip again
Taking a chance on love
Now I prove again
That I can make life move again
In the groove again
Taking a chance on love
I walk around with a horseshoe
In clover I lie
And brother rabbit of course you
Better kiss your foot good-bye
On the ball again
I'm riding for a fall again
I'm gonna give my all again
Taking a chance on love
Taking a chance on love

Confessions of a Straight Guy.

Sometimes I wonder to myself if I’m weird because all the guys I know hate being brought out shopping with their girls, and hate it with a passion.

Something I can’t really write anywhere else for judgemental issues xD when I was going out with Tze Ni, I LOVED going shopping with her for clothing… Kinda weird but yes. It was really fun and interesting seeing how different combinations of clothes worked together to create different impressions, different styles, and… well.. YEAH! Its fun!

So here’s my confession. I love going out with girls (not myself duh) and helping them pick out clothing, I love looking at the shoes they wear because they’re crafted and styled so nicely, I love looking at girls who have a good dress sense. There. Hahahaha.

BUT I’M NOT GAY O_O. I love women too much to be gay, I love her too much to be gay o.o”

It’s so weird isn’t it, so sometimes when she used to ask me if I was bored, and I told her not at all, and I meant it, I wonder if she felt I was being sarcastic or something XD

On that note as well when she really liked one of the dresses but she didn’t have it in her size, and I liked it too, I really wanted her to have it, only because it looks so good on her as well, so I would ask her to go out with me hunting for it XD

Man, why am I so weird? >_> I dress up like a straight guy too right? RIGHT? O_O

Hamster lolzing out. xD

The Stronger It Gets.

Morning morning, or rather should I say afternoon blog. I actually woke up at 10 in the morning today but I decided to roll around in bed a little bit more, and ended up falling back to sleep till now :x Gotta go apply for jobs tomorrow.

Judging from her Facebook updates, it looks like she slept quite late yesterday >_> (to her). About maybe 3 in the morning or so. I suppose normally I’d scold her for this, a lot of WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING SO LATE! IT’S NOT GOOD FOR YOU! I THOUGHT U WENT BACK TO A PROPER SLEEPING HABIT AFTER HANGING WITH HUEY YUIN! But then again, I’m not really her boyfriend anymore so… I suppose I don’t have that kind of power over her… Maybe I’ll spam her facebook wall… or not. I doubt she’d reply anyway, she’s already having difficulties chatting to me. She doesn’t seem to reply my Skype messages to her :x

Looking at her facebook photo uploads, I really can smile to myself. She looks so cute and beautiful at the same time hahaha. A little bummed out maybe that she didn’t use the bunny ears for herself, also I hope they didn’t get like soaked in beer and smoke smell :x

I suppose looking at her pre clubbing photos from before as well, I realise that when commenting on her on facebook now there are a few things which I can’t say that I really want to. I really wanted to say things like you look beautiful, you look so absolutely gorgeous, and… Well, yeah. Those were perhaps the real words I wanted to say for those, but for the sake of perhaps not extending myself too fat, I had to drop back down to words like great… or crack a lot of jokes to sort of loosen the tension… I don’t want her to get stressed up after all… Assuming that she feels uncomfortable with me doing that.

Looking at her photos of her being happy and enjoying really makes me light up, as sad as it may be that I’m not there with her to enjoy these moments in her life, I am really happy that she can enjoy it without me. Maybe one day I can be a part of it, but I suppose the time isn’t now. Some part of me really wishes that she’ll give us a shot again though… but I don’t really pitch too much hope in that. After all she hates LDR more than she love(d/s) me.

Still, Within my own power, I think I’ll try visiting London a bit more often, maybe the next trip will be end next year as well. I hear she’s going back to Malaysia middle of the year, but I don’t think I should head back at all. That short time she has is for spending with her family and catching up with them, and especially not with me. Plus I’ll need to get my job and career in order.

On the lines of visiting her in London though, maybe not next year (I don’t know) but the year after, her 21st birthday, I feel like being in London at the time. If I’m working I may just ask for leave for a short week there. I wonder if that would be overstepping myself though, but again, it’s one of those things I really want to do, and Celebrating her birthday with her isn’t something I’ve managed to do…

Ahhh, since when did love become so sweet and painful at the same time. Really, when. It gets so hard and painful for me, but I don’t want to give it up. Partially because I’m terrible at giving up, and I’m a go getter. I’m not going to sit and whine and say OH BOO HOO DISTANCE KILLED MY CHANCES WITH HER, I AM SO SAD BLA BLA BLA.

No, that doesn’t happen, at least not to me. God gifted me with a highly advanced and strategic brain and psychology. He also gave me a perfectly working body. Above all else, he gave me the best gift of all, a loving yet strong heart that can take on anything. Oh and yes, the BESTEST (ahaha) of all, was the fact that he gave me love out of somewhere I never expected it to come from.

I’m going to make this work, with every last dying breath in my body. I’m going to find our happy ending because I know the pain and strife I have to go through to get it is going to be DAMN WELL WORTH IT. I’M GOING TO DO IT BECAUSE I’M NOT A QUITTER AND I KNOW WHAT I WANT. BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE EVERY SINGLE THING SHE WROTE IN HER CARDS TO ME TURN INTO A REALITY.

AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, I’M GOING TO DO IT BECAUSE I DAMN WELL LOVE HER SO BLOODY FREAKING MUCH. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE. I WOULD EVEN GLADLY GIVE AWAY MY PRIZED COMPUTER JUST TO BE WITH HER.

I LOVE YOU TZE NI, I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH (The same words I say to myself each time before I sleep looking at her picture on my phone). Hahaha. (I wonder, if someone were to ever read my blog they’d think I’m some crazy psychopath… but who cares, I’m crazy, I’m foolish and I’m in love. That's what it does to you)

Looking at one of her photos of her room though (a more recent one) I can’t really see the photo frame I gave her, though even in the last one it was behind the curtains, and this time the curtains were closed… I wonder if it’s still there… hmm…

I’m gonna end this post here… Because you know that all I want for Christmas is you.

Don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
Don't care about those presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
You know that all I want for Christmas is you…

Won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for snow
Oh I’m just going to keep on waiting underneath the Mistletoe
There’s no sense in hanging stockings
There upon a fireplace coz
Santa he won’t make me happy with a toy on Christmas day
I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight
Girl what can I do?
You know that all I want for Christmas is you

And all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing I can hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really love
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
No I just want to see my baby, standing right outside my door
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true
You know that all I want for Christmas…
Is you…

Is You…

Coke is bad for you.

The little bits and pieces that make up my life. The little bits here and there that assimilate together and form this existence, known as me. Hmmm… Bah you know what, I’m tired of tying to make each post here sound meaningful. Lol. I’m serious. At least for now. It’s hard trying to make meaning out of every post all of the time ahahaha.

It’s my blog and I do what I want with it. That and I’m really not in the mood of doing deep and meaningful posts at the moment. I just woke up not long ago from a short nap, and am… In one of those moods where I don’t want to think and just do stuff. MAybe because I just drank Coke. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE LONGEST OF TIMES. IT MAKES ME FEEL AS IF I’M BECOMING SUGAR HIGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

Yeah, I thought I’d just give it a taste, has been a few months anyway. I deserve it! I’m down to 75.4 Kilos now! :D Still trying to aim for 74 though. I’ll take each KG at a time, and hopefully I’ll get myself a nice body by the time all of this is done :) I’ve already come quite far, from the ranks of 80++. I haven’t seen that number in AGES and it feels GOOD! Ahahaha

Anyway, It’d my blog. Yes, back to that. I shall do what I want here. It’s like my private space. If it were a metaphysical space, I would run around naked! Except I won’t, because I don’t run around naked. So unsanitary. XD hahahaha Okay I’m pretty sure I’m quite sugar high now. Hehe.

Ahhhhhh I Misss TZE NI :( Sometimes I find myself looking at palms of my left hand then looking away to try and not think about it. Why my palms? because it was the hand that always held hers. We would lock our hands together, her fingers fills in the spaces between mine and mine hers. I remember something else as well, How everytime when we held hands, we would look at each other and smile to each other. Her beautiful smile which always seems to get me and melt me that I always just felt like sinking into my seat. My heart would skip a beat and I would smile for ages hahaha…

Not to mention traffic lights hahaha, I loved traffic lights when I was dating her. It was a time for me to sneak in a kiss each time.

Ahhh, she really did light up my life. The number of times I felt so happy and pumped up everytime I was picking her up from college, then extremely frustrated and let down when there’s a traffic jam :( too many times too many times.

I remember IKEA, and her lying to her parents telling them that she was home. I remember the gardens where we had our first date, and how jittery I was. I remember Paddington’s pancake in the curve, because she would walk into the guy’s toilet. I remember her writing on her blog about how much she loves me.

I realise that this is a lot of reminiscing about the past, but as I wrote before, the past doesn’t lie, and the future is built on the past. Policemen, Stadium, Look-Out Point for our first valentines, the effort I went into making the box and the strawberries coated with chocolate, how beautiful she looked in her white dress that night, right down to my first time in her house in Penang where she laid on my lap and fell asleep… and I would give her little pecks…

Ahaha… If anything me writing this down is just making me realise how much I love her and how much I did for her. How I would sacrifice so much of my time to spend it with her, how my PARENTS would allow me to do that… Even like how her parents were so accepting of me, which honestly scared me to begin with, I thought there was some kind of catch! Hahaha. I mean, Okay, I’m like the first guy she brought back home, then her MOM asks me to stay in their house, I was freaked out and scared!

I remember my first night there quite well, I actually went downstairs with my Mp3 player, and sat on her couches and moved around for the longest of times. It was then that I took my mobile phone and blogged in here about “the black bird”, a short story I did which was a representation of my emotions at the time. I remember talking to her mom that morning as well, and just semi pouring my thoughts and emotions at the time to her.

Come to think of it, a lot of things sure have happened from when we started dating till now… A lot of good and a lot of bad. I’ve also done a million of these kind of posts before, sometimes back to back and I know that, and it’s not that I lack variety, okay maybe I do at times, but you know what?

It’s because I miss her. It’s because I love her so much. It’s because I loved us so much. It’s because I love her smiles, It’s because I love her lips, It’s because I loved comforting her whenever she was down, It’s because I loved her so much even through her selfish moments and her difficult moments. It’s because I love every bit of her, so bloody much okay.

If you really have a problem with that then I suggest you take your audience elsewhere, but yes, GOD DAMN I LOVE HER OKAY. This has never changed no matter how far away I am from her, No matter how long I am away from her, no matter how difficult things got…

And at the end of the day, even now, I would lie in bed, and I would look at my phone. I would then whisper to myself softly while looking at her picture, “I love you baby, and I miss you.” Without fail almost every night.

Ahhh, How did this blog post turn into such an emotional one. Sometimes I find it difficult to keep track anymore… Anyway yeah, I think that’s where I’ll stop for today.

The saddest part about this isn’t so much that we’re not together anymore as much as that we don’t talk to each other as often anymore, and I miss that. I really miss talking to her daily. In the end I still don’t see anyone else but her, whether I’m faced with beautiful or cute girls, or anyone else for that matter. I’m a hopeless romantic aren’t I. Maybe more hopeless than anything else… Remaining so steadfast and truthful to her even though we’re no longer a thing.

God I miss her so much.

*INSERT SAD FACE HERE*

Blah. One of those moments where I miss her terribly. Looking at my phone makes me feel a bit down but yep, nothing much I can do about it can I. Oh well.

I want magical spells or better yet, one of those doors like in Doraemon where I can transport myself instantly and physically to different parts of the world, particularly where she is.

Why? well apart from the obvious, I want to see her smile in real life, I want to give her hugs and kisses and I generally just want to be there and hold her hands.

Okay, I’ll stop being silly now and do something more productive. ; w ;

Future-esque

Another mid-afternoon posting for myself. Through the whole of today I have thought to myself, man, it’s November next month isn’t it. Without a doubt, come November I turn 24… And no more than 2 months after, I enter another year where I turn 25 then.

25. I’m really growing up faster than I perceived. When I think about it this way, she’s turning 20 next year and not to mention for me, the flow from 24 to 25 can only mean one thing.

Without a doubt, I need to put my plans for the future into action. I’m already no longer a kid, but a young adult. Jobs need to be taken, income needs to be made, self sustainability needs to be achieved. Games need to be played less, in it’s stead preparation and more planning needs to be made.

I don’t particularly shun the idea of growing up though. If anything, I’ve always wanted to grow up quicker and faster, and that hasn’t changed through the years. The idea behind the whole trip to Australia back in High School was to gain independence. Independence in terms of thought and action. I didn’t want someone else to decide my life, I wanted to be more responsible for my own. Truly I think I have reached that state already.

My Parents have accepted this, and unlike most people my age (In asian countries most people my age, 23, even guys, are still very bound by their parents), already allow me to freely move around make my own life decisions. They have been supportive if anything, and I appreciate that they have been treating me like an adult, not meddling too much into my affairs, but instead helping me figure them out myself. Even the whole trip at the end of the year went through smoother than I expected.

However, my process does not end there. Even for this end year trip, I want to pay my dad off for it. I want to be financially independent, or at least try to be. By next year hopefully this will come true. I’ll be going around and applying for part time jobs coming this monday (I can’t work full time under a student visa), and that should help me cover up my costs, as well as give me some extra spending money (hopefully).

With that said, I’ll be apply to mobile phone stores as a sales and promoter, since I know a lot about mobile phone technologies and feel that I would do more than well in this segment. I’ll have to sit for my IELTS as well, and from there use that score to apply for an Australian PR. I’ll need to try and get a permanent job, and then something for my portfolio as a programmer cum designer.

Honestly, I’m feeling a bit scared, but also determined. This is me walking into a new chapter in my life, and I look forward to embracing it without hesitation. For the good of my own future, and for the good of hers.

I certainly don’t want to go back to Malaysia empty handed, I want to be highly sought after, I want to be high profile, I want to be wanted. It may take a while, but I’ll get there. For now I’ll do what I can, and I can start by putting down the games and doing the more important things.

Haha, somehow I feel this innate need to talk more about her since I always have, but Maybe I’ll cut that one short today. She is what she’s always been, the girl who makes me very happy and someone I find myself not being able to be angry at for extended periods though I do suppose I still scold her, but come on, I worry about her, so isn’t it natural that I do scold her when I feel she’s doing something risky? She is someone I love with all my heart after all, I wouldn’t want anything happening to her, not now not ever and especially not when I’m not there. Do take care of yourself baby :)

Hamster signing out.

Reflection.

Another long day has passed, and again I find myself sleeping late. Not particularly a very good habit to cultivate, though I suppose it did bring its good parts… If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to her yesterday… hahaha. And by that I don’t mean that I should stay up late all the time, but it’s more of like a… hmm Okay I don’t quite know what I’m trying to say apart from it’s nice talking to her.

Sometimes I guess I feel a little silly doing the things that I do. Like smiling at the photos of us, or like my wallpaper of her on my phone, I smile back even though I know it’s just an image. It still makes me feel happy and… well yeah. I start to ask myself questions like what am I doing. Surely I tell others that I’m taking an unorthodox path when it comes to break-ups and parting ways, but in the end how much of it is unorthodox masked with the feeling of not wanting to move on.

Sometimes I don’t even know myself. On one hand I feel fine, on the other I feel like it’s denial. On one hand I feel I can move on easily, on the other I still think of her a lot. So which is really the truth?

I asked myself a question not long ago. Given the chance of theoretically able to end up with whichever girl I chose, and I threw quite a few into the foray, including Osheenn, a cute junior in my class who seems to have a thing for me, and basically everyone else I used to have feelings for, for some reason I still find myself choosing TN. Maybe it’s because I’m not quite too over it, maybe it’s because of that.

Somewhere deep down though, I had this distinct feeling that while I may have liked these other girls in the past, it was mainly just that, either some form of admiration or just lust or just interest. No, I’m not saying that with TN this wasn’t there, It’d be stupid to say I didn’t have… admiration and all that stuff for her ( don’t make me mention it, it’s embarrassing haha ><), amongst that though, I felt a spark between us. Something which I still feel today.

Despite being two very different people, we managed to get together, despite being so far apart to begin with, we stuck together, despite me coming back to see her then for only a few months on end in between 3 or so months, we still loved each other to bits. Through the good and the bad, and through to the end, we did keep in contact with each other somewhat.

I’m not one for horoscopes but I read somewhere that between her and myself, a Scorpio and a Taurus, the compatibility charts were horrible. hahaha, I kid you not, it was. Apparently based on horoscopes, Taurus and Scorpios repel each other like oil and water, or two free flowing electrons. hahaha, yet amidst all of this, there was something that quite caught my eye.

It did however mention that if a Scorpio and Taurus managed to work each other out, and do what they had to do, the emotions formed between them would be something beyond special. Actually, I think I even posted it on this blog before, sometime back. Yeah. It mentioned that in the event that they got together, something intense would form and I kind of feel at times that it’s not too far fetched.

Silly theories aside, even without it I do feel that way. To me she’s someone who really knows how to tear a man down and lift him back up again haha, and I suppose that’s something I love about her as well, how she’s so powerful and overwhelming at times.

In the end, no one, not even myself will know what will happen when London comes. I’d like to say that I have zero expectations of her meeting up with me, but who am I kidding, I gave this speech before. No one really has zero expectations. A nice phrase to cover an unfortunate truth. Matter of fact is that people always do, and one way or another, when things don’t do their way they walk away disappointed.

Ha… Oh well. I’ll go cheer up. The dates for my flight are nearly finalised for 23rd Oct 10am, and apparently my flight back is an open date O_o I’ll have to get confirmation on that. Once I do I can start consulting with Osheenn to see where to go and what to do. I’m really looking forward to this trip, in more ways than one.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. :)

Afternoon blurbs

MMmmmmm…. Afternoon blog. How’re you, how’re things. Silly. You’re a server, you have no feelings.

Anyway, enough Joshing around. hah. She contacted me yesterday, on her own accord. Interesting and was somewhat unexpected, especially since I was rolling on the bed already playing sudoku when my phone went boop >_>

Yeah, it was interesting. She started to tell me about her Halloween plans, her day, little bits and pieces like that. I really don’t have much to say apart from it made me happy. It also made me sort of question why this couldn’t have happened to begin with I suppose, but that’s more of a pondering thing rather than placing any judgement.

True to fact, she did delete her Whatsapp (no real surprise there, saw that one from a mile away) but apart from that it was a nice conversation :) Indeed I think if we continue on like this then things will be more than just fine for the both of us.

I suppose another thing that was interesting as well was that she apologized to me for not talking to me more. I suppose it kind of caught me off guard. As said and done, there’s no real obligation towards this, but if its something she wants to do then that’s just more than great.

Time will tell and unravel all things, to see what our fate has in stored for us. On the other hand as well I’m not one who likes to rely too much on fate and so don’t be surprised if you see me take my future into my own two hands.

I feel… Serenity. I miss her and I miss having her around, but yeah, serenity. I suppose missing her is a given, seeing as how much I love her, so yeah, if this is how my life is going to be at this point in, I suppose I don’t really mind.

It would be nice if we could talk more often, but on one hand I’m a bit weary of talking to her since for the most part when I start convo’s they don’t seem to end too well hahaha. Ah well. For now this will do.

Btw, I’m really starting to get attached to the photo of her on my phone. Really does a good job lightening me up hahaha

I won’t hesitate no more.

Perhaps not too obvious, and maybe not too alarming to know, I seem to say a lot of hurtful things every time I’m missing her. A stereotypical reaction I didn’t quite think I was subject to. Sigh.

One of the songs she dedicated to me in her Valentines Day CD.

I’m missing you baby. I really do. I hope you’re doing well there and that you think of me too.

Well you done done me in you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out Ill be giving it my bestest
And nothings gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some.

I wont hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait.
I'm yours.

Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
Were just one big family
Its our god-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved

I wont hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm sure.
There's no need to complicate. Our time is short
This is our fate. I'm yours

(Do do do do, skooch on over closer dear so I can nibble your ear)

Id been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm a saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
Its what we aim to do. Our name is our virtue.

I wont hesitate no more no more
It cannot wait. I'm sure.
There's no need to complicate. Our time is short
This is our fate. I'm yours

What a Beautiful Mess this is.

 

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language, your shouted cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
Its like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship were staging

And its a beautiful mess, yes it is
Its like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But its nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

Here we are x7

We're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
Its like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words in priceless pictures
Well fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when were wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

You treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough.

Another one of those days where I wake up to dreams of her. I can’t recall clearly what the dream was, no, it feels like a blur… I remember that it was a semi good dream and that I was with her as in physically, but that was it. Nothing else of importance to note.

Again I suppose building up on yesterday’s post, I start asking myself more and more questions. An answer to a Question begets a thousand more Questions… Just like the head of a Hydra. Indeed.

I don’t know my emotions while writing this, I suppose I am a little sad, but not to a big extent. Again perhaps it could be more disappointment than anything else. Who knows.

Why I say this is because a slight analysis on her behaviour at the moment shows a lot of things really. Things that pull from previous things said, mainly, for us to remain as friends.

Friends, it’s a funny word isn’t it. I suppose to an extent I believe that two people who used to be lovers, can never be just friends again. Even so that kind of conclusion in itself is a sad and disappointing one.

Looking at whatsapp, I can sort of easily tell that she probably deleted it off her phone already, though I’m unsure about viber, I’m not really in the mood to check. Then it’s the whole communication thing all over again.

She really loves going on invisible these days for one reason or another, maybe for me, maybe for someone else, does it matter? I don’t know, I don’t think so.

Point within all of tihs falls down to the previous conclusion of does she even want to still remain as friends with me. Facebook friend’s are not friends. Facebook is a social tool to ALLOW you to keep in contact with people, but no, as deceiving as the word is, facebook ‘friends’, You aren’t necessarily friend’s with the person are you? No, I can count more than a few people on my list whom I’d class as acquaintances. Or just somebody that I used to know.

So we come across this whole section of things. I feel like instead of her trying to be friends with me, the lack of communication really, is turning her into somebody that I used to know, somebody that I have feelings for, somebody who seems to be quite happy at making as if we never happenned, as if me and her were never a thing, as if we were never in love, as if those words which she wrote all the time and said all the time had no weight or meaning to them in the end.

Maybe in the end it boils down to my standard of doing things and my expectations of people to conform similarly to that standard. By that I mean that when I am friend’s with someone generally I still contact them regularly, as do they me, they don’t try to ignore me and things like that. Then again I flow onto the concept of words. To me words are a very powerful thing.

Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I’m a terrible liar, and I am, a terrible liar. I don’t like lying as well. Not something which I like doing, and also with my words, and each word that comes out of my mouth, I make sure that I mean it with every breath.

When I say to someone, I love you, I mean it. When I say to someone I want to spend a lifetime with you, I mean it. When I say I want to still be friends with you, I mean it. Every word which I say I mean. I’m starting to wonder if there’s a different conception of this to her.

By now most of these expectations have dwindled down. As I said, her nearing the status of somebody that I used to know, a status set just above acquaintance, is really demeaning. I don’t like it that she’s there, but if she doesn’t want to contact me or be friends with me, when she has time to skype with her other friends and things like that, then things were bound to hit this.

No, awkwardness in the end I feel is just an excuse. Just because you feel awkward talking to someone again you don’t talk to them again? Indeed, perhaps it’s an unsaid ruling, but friendship has a certain level of responsibility as well. Something which I feel she’s not meeting very well. Whatever. It doesn’t matter to me.

I’ll hit up the UK and if she wants to meet up that’s great. If not I won’t cry over it, I’ll move on. I know what I’m worth and I know that I really don’t deserve to be treated like this, especially from someone who said that she loved me on multiple times. If you really did then you’d know that you can’t do what you’re doing. I’ve been doing my part and my end to keep you as a friend but you know, I feel that you’re just not trying, so yeah. If it really boils down to it, I’ll leave it as it is.

You’re a grown up girl now. Turning 20 next year, and you certainly don’t need me to badger you or look after you. I don’t need to point out levels of morality within you just because you’re influenced so easily by your emotions. You really have no idea how much you’re hurting me on the inside, and at times sometimes I don’t think you care anymore, and am just being selfish, looking after your own agenda.

But then again I suppose this wouldn’t have really been the first time you have been selfish I suppose. I’ve been tolerant and patient, and understanding of a lot of things, I really have been. On the days you were selfish I flowed with you and scolded you later. On the days you were being difficult I accepted all of this and just tried my best to keep you satisfied. In the end what is it really about. I ask myself the question. Those days for 1 and a half years. What were they really about.

The days pass slowly, and time seems to take it’s time flowing. The ticking of the clock slowly drives me out of my head and I look for places of release and renewal in my head. Certainly this isn’t something that is helping me do all of this.

When I head over to London I’ll have to probably meet up with Osheenn. She seems more free than anything else these days and sounded excited with the idea of me coming over, and asked me to get a UK number so that she could call me. I wonder if she’d be free to go with me to Paris as well. She speaks some level of French and that would certainly be more than helpful for me moving around. I should ask her, I know of no one else there who can help me with this after all.

For now I’ll leave with this song that seems to quite clearly and accurately depict the feelings that I feel now.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know

That I used to know

Somebody...

Questions without Answers.

Some days pass with me asking myself… Is she really having difficulties getting over the fact that we’ve… well please excuse me for saying it, broken up? Sometimes it feels that way, and it does fit with her persona quite well. Each time she either misses me in the past, she would get relatively upset and try to hide it via lack of contact or one way or another.

I still remember moments in my car where we were talking about whether we wanted to break up, and the look on her face that just absolutely tore me to pieces, her crying face. She would look away and try to be strong, but I could see more clearly that how sad she was. Something which I don’t really want to remember too much of neither do I want to see too much off. She always looks the other way or ignore me when she’s unhappy something.

I suppose in many ways I pushed her to make this decision for us, but thinking of it now, was it really the right choice to make? I’m not sure if you should call this regret, but she seems to be having a difficult time somewhat getting over me, and I suppose that I didn’t expect this to happen, I mean it’s good in this weird way but… Okay this isn’t coming out right, but the idea behind the break-up was so that she could feel better and live her life better. Sometimes I ask myself whether it would be a better idea to get back together.

So maybe it’s only when I contact her, to which I have to ask myself, if this is true, should I really stop contacting her? Even if it risks the chance that we just stop being friend’s altogether? I don’t really know these things too well, life has too much unpredictability to sort of tell at the moment. I don’t suppose I can ask my blog and somehow get an answer can I? Maybe.

Would it make you feel better if I stopped contacting you altogether? Would it make you feel better if when I went over to EU we didn’t meet up? Would it?

Why is it that you sound so sad most of the time you’re talking to me? Why is it that nowadays most of the times you ignore me? is it because you miss me? Do you still love me even though you said that it was lost in the distance? Did you mean those word’s you said to me?

Do you want to forget about me? Do you want to stop being in love with me? Tell me what you want and I’ll try my best to make it come true.

Talking to myself and asking for answers, hoping that somehow she reads it and gives me answers to these questions. In a perfect world the answers to my questions will be given to me miraculously, yet I do wish that without a miracle it still gets answered, for her own sake and mine.

For starters when I head to UK end of this year, if she really wants to forget and fall out of love with me, then maybe I shouldn’t meet with her at all in respect to those wishes. I would really very much like to be selfish with all of this and have things my way, but in the end it really boils down to what she wants as well.

To me meeting up with her end of the year would be just that, meeting her to see how she’s doing, I’m not trying to start any agendas… but if it does what am I to really do about it.

Perhaps then I take a look at myself. I still have photos of her on my wall, I have her photo frame propped up in my room, I have her lovely valentines day card she gave me, alongside the 1 half of the heart keychain. I even have a photo of her on my phone (christmas from last year haha, I like the photo, mainly because she seems to smile so beautifully in it.)

The odd thing though is that even having done all of that, by laws of normal break up I suppose I am supposed to be more torn about us not being together and what not, but surprisingly, instead I feel at peace. More at peace than I have ever been, and can easily move on with my life, even if I don’t contact her and even if she doesn’t contact me. It’s a strange reaction especially in a psychological sense…

Which brings me to ask myself about techniques of getting through break-ups. Indeed if its anything to say, and is a very obvious thing, it’s that all relationships are different. You can’t simply apply orthodox techniques and expect to pass through it simply and done. In fact if anything my unorthodox techniques have shown me without a doubt that it works, and it hasn’t been long since the break up as well. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I’ll go date some other girl, I still have feelings of love for her, but all that thing about her being far away, not being able to talk to her, her treatment towards me, essentially everything that bothered me in the past, just disappeared. I really feel at peace, like never before and like I never expected to.

So then I ask the question of what she’s doing to essentially get over the break-up and how effective it is to her, and of course it’s side effects… Because from what I see from the most part it’s only a negative effect.

Ha… Well, time for me to stop being so analytical >< It IS really fun to think to myself at times, to understand myself this way, it intrigues me…

I suppose I’ll stop here for today, pondering the answers to the questions poised above. Indeed, a question I’ve asked her time and time again, what do you want. The answer has for the most part always been ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I don’t know, I love you but I don’t want a long distance relationship’, but I suppose for one, it would be good to straighten thoughts, and just give the answer that makes you the happiest.

Really, would you feel happy if I stopped trying to contact you, you forgot about me completely, and fell out of love with me (or at least whatever is left of your love for me).

Passion!

PASSION! A Strong word isn’t it. Indeed. What is my passion. What do I really like doing consistently and what do I see myself doing time and time again. Strange things.

My life’s journey has been anything but smooth. I’ve went from engineering, all the way to game’s programming, all the way to games design, and now I’m actually interested in teaching that I contacted a few people I know who happen to be teachers to have first hand feedback on what its like being a teacher and things.

In the end though, I don’t think I’ll be a teacher, mostly because I think what I’m feeling is just trying anything that will give me my calling. The strange thing is that through these consecutive years though, is that I’ve always fallen back to one thing that has remained true even in the above mentioned.

Whilst I was in Engineering, I was in Electrical and Mechatronics (Robotics) and the part that fascinated me the most was programming. When I was in Game’s Graphics Programming, I found myself detached from the backend side of programming but the more user-interaction areas. When I was in Games Graphics Design, I found myself integrating a lot of design with programming, hence forth my evolution into what is now called a technical designer.

Through this series of logical bounds, when I was talking about teaching, I wanted to be an IT Teacher to teach… guess what, Programming, but I wanted to also teach the higher lever ends of Programming.

It actually boils down onto one singular thing, The Human interaction end of programming. Programs that deal more with actual people using rather than lets say… Programming network interfaces, graphics cards, maybe even Operating systems.

I suppose that’s what pulled me into games to begin with. Indeed I may even believe that this is my calling in life O_o I’m a technical designer. An Artist of sorts with Programming knowledge and high level of IT skills!

Hmmm, and I suppose that the good part of this is that this kind of person is highly sought after in the workforce :3 Programmers are always loved hahahaha. Means that I can go back to Malaysia and work as a programmer and things will be fine fine fine.

Just don’t get me to do server or web based programming (not my forte but I’m learning, made 4 websites this week) and I’ll be fine.

Speaking of Malaysia. Question hits me of how long I should stay in Australia for if lets say I want to set myself up a foundation in Malaysia as someone working this kind of job. Questions that are left relatively unanswered without a hint of answer or clue to a reply. Maybe I’ll ask my dad what he thinks is the best course of action for this.

On one hand I wanna go back to Malaysia because of her, and well, what could potentially be a  lot of us :) but also I guess I kinda miss my doggy Tiger XD and not to mention the other rascals… and of course my family (now I feel bad for putting the dogs first BUT HOW CAN U HATE TIGER.) hahahaha

Tis a shame, probably the latest photo I have of tiger, and him being bullied by TN –_- Hahahaha Oh well. Two things to look forward to when I head back. In many ways I suppose when I stop playing high and mighty about Australia (okay maybe my wages are so much better and I can afford so much more) Malaysia does hold quite some good things that keep me going back to there.

Besides, on one hand I don’t really want to be far if anything happens to my parents. It’s kinda sad and lonely being in Australia like this at times. If I think about it like that really Australia doesn’t have much for me apart from perhaps an Easier albeit lonelier life, really something I can do without. I don’t particularly think that it’s really something worth staying here for so yeah…

Oh on that other hand as well, I wonder if I’m still allowed to visit Ah Ma in Penang even though all this has gone down. You kinda grow into the cooking and the homely atmosphere * w * It’s never really boring and it makes me really happy to see the smiles and the faces all over there, makes me feel the happiness of having a family altogether and around each other. Feels good.

For me, most of my family members are overseas, or just live too far apart from each other. China, Japan, Germany, Penang, KL, Subang, Shah Alam, Cheras… Couple that with the fact that I suppose maybe it’s just me but the whole sensation I get from her family and mine (extended more of) feels very different.

In the presence of my extended family somehow I feel awkward at times, they ask me awkward questions, I feel like I’m getting judged for most steps of the way, not to mention cousins and uncles who consistently call me fat/ overweight –_- Yeah you guys are just anorexic. I could bundle you all like branches and still be able to snap you with two fingers >< hahaha (morbid) In general, relatively uncomfortable.

In the presence of her family though, even though I myself am a stranger, the weirdest thing is that I feel more… At home and at ease than anything else. I suppose on that end as bad as it sounds, I think that the majority of my extended family practices a lot of segregation and base a lot of things practically and on status… perhaps even monetarily. The odd thing being that because my dad is without a doubt the most successful son, I get treated as a stuck up kid, not something I really enjoy, and really, why is does my extended family really bother about things like this (based on true facts, from other family members and closer extended families)

If I think about it then really her family doesn’t really care about my status more than that I came from a good family with good upbringing. Really something I thoroughly enjoy being around her family, extended family. Because of that I suppose I have come to learn and love more about Penang than I previously had (and that, to be honest was a bad light, boring, hot and nothing to do hahah)

Not to mention I’ve learnt to enjoy more things like hiking up, even with her dad, taking drives and walks beside the beach, appreciating views, architecture and cultural buildings, not to mention the more extreme side like Parasailing ahahahah. I supposed as I feel I have changed her to be a bit more of a mature girl from when I started dating her, she has probably had an even larger impact on my life.

Amusing isn’t it? How you can change so dramatically in a matter of a year and a half. All because of the introduction of a catalyst to your life. Hmm… Truly, she is really an amazing and wonderful person to me :) Funny how she never quite ceases to amaze me hahaha

Longer post than I ever expected it to be, it felt much shorter in my head O_o

Anyway, yeah, Hamster signing out.

 

P.S. I wonder how she’s doing now >_> She hasn’t replied my whatsapp message… I wonder if she uninstalled it or is just ignoring me… haha =_= Ahhhh… Whatever >< It never really as bad as I think it is. Just would be nice to re-establish communications.

Christmas gifts.

One of those random moments in the day where I think to myself… God damn I miss her. :( it may have been a while already but I can still remember the hugs, the kisses and the cuddles and the chats… and how they would instantly put me at ease to easily face another day’s offerings… The warm hugs, the soft feeling of the cuddles… sigh. No one else’s will ever do.

Come to think of it… We didn’t really last long enough for us to be together for my 24th…  Man, On one hand I’m growing older faster than I can count with my fingers, and one the other I miss her so. Double whammy yay. >________<

Dad is coming to Melb for my graduation and I’m leaving with him back to Malaysia on the 22nd, I’m gonna see if I can make it for Christmas day to London… It’s gonna sound really lame, stupid and maybe terrible to say now, but hey… By then it’s christmas right… And I am at least allow to say what I want on christmas…

All I want for christmas, even if for just a day, is you. I really do.

God I miss her so much. I doubt I’ll ever get that kind of silly christmas wish anyway. She probably has some plans till night with her friends on that day. Would be nice but again I don’t think its right to keep my hopes high… Blah.

Don’t think about it, it’s months from now anyway, chillax and… Let’s focus on getting that job.

Long tem over short term boy, long term over short term.

Drooowwwsssyyyyyy @_@

Hello blog, a bit of a late afternoon/ early evening post, was supposed to be morning but hey, I’ve been busy, cut me some slack. Reasoning for posting today is a bit more different maybe, not that far off but still a bit different.

Anyway, I talked to a friend recently and she was generally curious as to why I still kept myself strong and willing for well, the girl that I love (I really don’t like the word Ex, has an almost evil overtone over it.) She said to me that for all I know she probably doesn’t love me anymore, that’s why she did the things that she did that hurt me and things like that, amongst other things.

I told her that I know her (the girl I love) relatively well in terms of her personality and her reaction and response types. She sometimes says things that she doesn’t mean, out of spite maybe and its somewhat part of her persona. This is something which I have known from a long time ago. She has always been like that, not particularly a good trait but something that I still come to accept and love as part of her none the less. Still, the fact that she said she doesn’t love me anymore may be true or false, but it really doesn’t matter that much to me, when the time is right I’ll make her fall in love with me all over again :).

I also told this girl that I have also dated before this love of mine in the past. I also am not particularly unpopular. I have had girls express their interest in me, I think to count it may be double digit by now. The reason I mention this is because, well normally you hear that girls are picky of their guys, and their guys generally have to be worth while for the girl. I feel the same as a guy, I don’t throw myself out like a cheap piece of man meat, neither do I jump onto the first opportunity of getting able to make out, have sex or whatever. I am the master of my own primal urges as I’ve come to believe so.

With this I will explain more about the girls who used to be interested in me. I know this may sound mean, but they just didn’t fill in the criteria of what I was looking for in a girl. Number 1and 2were too much of a friend to me, and they didn’t fit my criteria in terms of personality type. Number 3 was really into me but she just threw herself around cheaply and tried to seduce me sexually. Wrong move. Number 4 was just… well, weird to say the least and also too far away with no prospects, from Singapore. Number 5 was way too young for me and was like a little sister to me, plus she somewhat flashed me while I webcammed with her and that just threw me off >.> Japanese girl.

You know, I could go on and on about this, but the general consensus was either that they were too slutty, they had too little self esteem, they threw themselves out cheaply, they were just plain stupid (evil I know, but come on!!! Oh, we were made for each other, we were born on the same month. Not to mention when she found out I was dating my girlfriend at the time, she called her fat and just disappeared? my god.), they knew too little of the world, too lazy, too unmotivated, too little desire to better themselves, too boring!!!

With this girl I currently love, TN, she may not be perfect, she may be a far cry from perfect for all I care, but I still love her. She has this sense of self worth that I admire, her sense of self respect that I adore, her sense of confidence that I find absolutely sexy, her maturity at times (sometimes hahahaha), but also her childishness (not a bad thing, she knows how to have plain fun hahaha), her spontaneousness, her love for travel, her love for sports! (Big yes for me, I can’t imagine a sloppy girlfriend), her love to keep bettering herself, Really I could go on and on, right down to the way she reacts around me that somehow still manages to make my heart flutter even thinking about it now, long after it has past.

So yeah, I mean, I may not have worded it the best there, but my point is that while she’s really not a perfect being, she’s someone whom I really love from the bottom of my heart. We all aren’t perfect. Put in the same positions, I would’ve probably reacted no different to how she did to me. This is something I understand instead of instantly labelling her as someone who really didn’t love me enough. She has really given it her all, no matter how much she has hated this long distance relationship between us.

She pulled through with me 3 times through the bad times, and we just couldn’t do this fourth, but I think its for the best… She’s emotionally exhausted by now, and she needs some rest no doubt. That’s exactly what I wanted to give her with all of this, and seeing how she is lately, it looks like she’s really getting it, and I’m glad for her. I can even talk to her relatively normally now without much worries :)

So yeah, as far as dedication does, I think she’s done a fine and superb job, no less from the awesome girl I fell in love with. Now is a time for her to rest and focus on other things however, so yeah, as I told my friend, I’m still going to come for her, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes.

Bah, feeling a bit sleepy and tired from all the working and all the text, perhaps a bit incoherent now… So I’ll leave on a more lovely note, and as usual with a song.

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be

Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
Some things are meant to be

Take my hand
Take my whole, my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love with you

Mirror mirror.

I shouldn’t post so often but I kinda didn’t want to build on top of the old one either.

a bit more of a self reflection post than anything else, sort of a look in the mirror overview as well as to see how far I’ve come in terms of everything.

For starters, I’m a lot more health conscious now, no surprise who’s influence that really was. I don’t eat fast food when I can, I don’t drink soft drinks, I eat healthier foods, I exercise, but the funny part is of course previously while they were more of a chore I sort of enjoy doing what I do now, with no real temptation to go back to what I was. I don’t suddenly feel an urge to eat fast food, I don’t suddenly want to drink soft drinks (haven’t had coke in ages), no, it’s as if I suddenly took this massive flip in terms of who I am and what I do… weird stuff. I find myself drinking a lot of water and feeling guilty if I don’t exercise o.o” feel good moment if there ever was one.

Secondly, looking at myself, who I am, what I do, I think if anything the whole thing of me mirroring my insecurities and trust issues to others really damages my relationships with others and the life that I live. No doubt that even through my years of having a relationship, as well as friendship with others, I have projected these insecurities onto them, causing them more stress and strife than they actually deserve. This is something I really apologize for, especially to my ex. It’s become more of a habit and it needs to stop, I need to keep my own emotions in check.

In that sense, it wasn’t perfect, but I had a fulfilling one and a half or so year relationship with her. It was good, it was great, it was more than anything I ever asked for. There were issues but we loved each other and we overcame them together. We planned our lives together, we planned the future together.

Having said that, if I don’t trust her enough to at least not find another guy at least so soon, then I’m a terrible person. She said it herself and I believe it, that she would never cheat on me (when we were dating) and that she would never quite find another guy like me as well as the fact that she said she has some pretty high standards for guys herself (minus maybe her first). Factoring all of this together with the fact that she’s a proud girl with a good amount of self respect for herself and ladies as not just cheap toys to play with, I believe in her and what she’s going to do, and I think she knows that she still has a lot of my heart, and I believe that she’ll know how to deal with it best.

I’m not saying that she’ll stay single for me through these years in UK, but I trust her enough to not disappoint me by dating some guy like maybe even 6 months or so after we go our ways, maybe even more. Besides, on that end my love for her doesn’t waver like a flickering flame, so I’ll keep up a more silent offensive in my own way, while trying to give her her own space.

Certainly, I’m not a defeatist. I don’t believe in giving up until every last bit of my soul is crushed and destroyed. The nature of who I am. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs went through it, and they needed to do it to build a multi billion dollar company. For me I’m using it to try and get the girl I love. If anything, it’s more than possible, so screw the people who choose to discourage me.

My path in life is only there for myself to write, and if I can dream of an ending, I can work towards it.

Watch me as I carve my way through the impossible and destroy perceptions.

I miss you, you know.

One of those days where I wake up and I miss her extra much. So much that it eats into my consciousness and my soul, and I feel I guess a little down and blue over it.

Hahaha, I would have never been able to imagine myself in this mess ever. If you ever talked to me from years before and you told me that this would happen to me, especially because of this particular PDL girl then I would have told you that you were more than crazy. Yet here I am feeling so down and melancholic because I miss her from the bottom of my heart. World truly is strange and unpredictable sometimes.

Still, it’s a beautiful day and I can’t remain like this forever. Question is though… that I actually feel like contacting her this weekend. Not sure if it’s something I should do but… I don’t know really, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to this one. I don’t know if its wrong or right and I’m just a little confused at this point in time on whether I should.

I guess time will tell then. Sigh. Miss you.

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No one else!

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through

Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

(You're gonna) You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gone

I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

The battle is over but the War has just begun.

Morning blog. Another day another set of challenges to face. Regardless, I feel a lot more resolute than the days that have been, I’m feeling good and pumped, fired up :) hahaha.

Little bits and pieces maybe include the fact that even though it wasn’t much, there was some sort of interaction with us on facebook, and yes, as silly as it sounds that brightened me up… :)

One of the things I noticed though, after looking at that photo was the photo frame I gave her, propped up in her room, and that made me kind of happy as well. Only thing of course is that the photo was uploaded October 14 and it’s been a while since then, I wonder if it’s still beside her window sill. hahaha… And if it is I wonder if she thinks of me. One of those things that would be nice I suppose, at least it doesn’t make me feel like the past and that she’s trying to forget about me, rather doing something similar maybe to what I’m doing as well.

Silly silly silly, but yes makes me happy if it really is true :D hahaha. Gosh I’m such a simpleton, rather I’m so easily pleased at times. =_=

Anyway, onto more personal-ish matters, I’ve been realising as of late that I just don’t enjoy playing games so much as I’ve used to anymore. I can’t play games without this immense sense of guilt that I could be doing something so much better with my time and life at times. It’s so weird, and I haven’t touched games for ages unless someone invites me to play.

Don’t get me wrong though, I do enjoy games, but I think that more than enjoying the actual games itself, I enjoy looking at their design aspects, their story, the detail that goes into it, the mechanics… all of that. It’s still fun to see someone playing my game and enjoying it but I don’t think that I’m just that big of a gamer anymore… Hardly anything has gotten me excited, and yes, that’s battlefield 3 included.

YANG! I know right? BATTLEFIELD 3 WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. ONLY ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST LOVED GAMES FOR YOU.

Yeah I know right, it’s so weird, but even with early access to the beta for a few months, I hardly played about 2 hours of it… So strange. Haven’t touched Battlefield Bad Company 2 in a while as well.

These days I’ve been more preoccupied with the future, what to do with my life, and what’s going to happen from here on end, and I just can’t sit down and play games peacefully anymore haha… Weird weird.

Possibly the only things running in my head now are along the lines of getting a Job, PR, Her, Visiting her, my plans back in Malaysia and setting down o_o.

I guess if anything I’m growing up and growing out of things. I’ve taken more of a liking toward exercise and the outdoors (side effects of her infection on me) and going to clubs and pubs, drinking just don’t seem as appealing as they did before.

On that note, OMG, I WANNA GO JUNGLE EXPLORING, TREKKING IN THE DESERT, HIKING MOUNTAINS AND OHHHHH HIMALAYAS!!! XD Okay, clearly a sign of her infection on me, but I really enjoy it! Okay maybe not Himalayas to begin with but Start smaller!!! what was that mountain, Gunung Tahan? I would totally be in. x3 Would be nice if we could go together, just feels so much nicer reaching the peak together :D hahaha…

But yes, that’s something reserved for the future, when we’re together and have a bit more time on our hands I suppose. hmmmm! Still, escape from the city would be nice.

For now, I’ll leave with this song :D

 

P.S. I can feel my ABS coming back out * w * Welcome back my 6 friends.

 

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

*Intermission*

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

OOORAH.

Heading off to Eri’s for the weekend, to do some work and to mess around a little. For now a little words to keep myself in check.

 

Trust in the past for history does not lie,
Believe in the future for it builds on the past.

Midnight strolls, solitary walks, self thoughts.

21st October 2011. Good morning blog. Two Weeks has passed since the word went down for us to break up. Two weeks… That’s actually not a very long period of time, yet so much can happen as well in the span of two weeks as well. That and it’s hardly been 3 weeks since she went to UK and already this…

Several questions cross my mind this morning, not so much for myself but… I guess about her. I ask myself questions like… I wonder how she’s doing, I wonder if her friends all treat her nicely, I wonder how cold its getting there, I wonder if she’s warm enough, I wonder if she ever thinks of me, I wonder how much she thinks of me, I wonder if she misses me like I miss her, I wonder if she’s controlling herself from contacting me too, I wonder if any of those singaporean guys are taking a fancy to her, I wonder if she really gets irritated by me messaging and perhaps calling her. I wonder wonder wonder.

Not particularly stressful, but I guess the fact that I really have to ask so many of these questions, again proves somewhat or rather that communications between us hit a break down and we start to find that we don’t know so much about each other’s lives as we did before.

Possibly the worst question then to ask is… I wonder how long it’ll take if this keeps up for us to be total strangers to each other. On one hand I want to prevent that by still keeping in contact with her, on the other she HAS asked for her space right? Where is the balance in between. When do I say she probably has had enough space, maybe I should contact her again to see how she’s going, even if they’re short replies.

The answer for the question then that I really want to know then is… Do you think of me as much as I think of you. I suppose I am a bit more vocal with the usage of a blog, but yeah… Do you? I look like a fool talking to myself on a blog, but you know what, I don’t think I care very much at this point.

By now as well news of my break up has reached most of my friends, and there’s something really interesting about that. The male demographic of friends ask me to forget about her and move on, giving me a plethora or reasoning like

“Oh, now you know her true colours”
“If she really loved you she wouldn’t hurt you at all”
“She doesn’t appreciate you man, you’ve tried your best and even I know that”
“You’re already a damn patient guy, you don’t deserve this man”

Amongst the few opinions that I remember, generally the reasoning stands at “You’re too good for her, move on, find somebody else”. On the other hand, the female demographic side of things give totally different results

“You two were so in love, get back together!”
“Why did you break up!! Doesn’t it hurt you as well?”
“Don’t you miss her voice? CALL HER!!”
“It’s really like this, if you two don’t love each other anymore, break up. If you two still do, just get back together, it’ll really hurt less than the break up, I don’t buy the whole ‘I love her so I had to let her go story’. I think that’s BS. Until the time one of you finds yourself not being able to love the other anymore, that’s when you break up, until then there is no reason to.”

Interesting isn’t it the type of responses when segregated on a gender basis. On one hand the guys seem to believe in the other fish in the sea thing, while the girls believe in love and perhaps people in love should stay together. People really are interesting that way.

But then again, none of these are really the answer that I came to myself as you already know, I chose to walk my own path, a blend between the two, of moving on, yet still loving her until a time where I know I can give her all the happiness in the world, then I’ll try and get back together with her.

I’m starting to notice that after this whole thing I’m starting to blog a lot aren’t I? Hahahaha. That and I seem to think a lot and say a lot, not all my posts are super small as well. I could compile them into a bloody thesis.

Oh, I suppose another interesting thing to note as well is I suppose ever since then I’ve lost a LOT of weight. Even though I feel fine my appetite is at an all time low, but I am still exercising daily and regularly. 7 kg is no small number. I wouldn’t say that I’m doing it for her as much as I’m doing it for myself, but I suppose there’s a mix blend in between, hardly 50-50, but in many ways I keep getting reminded that it’s what she would have wanted from me, hence its my extra push.

I suppose that’s all for now in this dull overcast day. Semi befitting I suppose, but regardless of the rain, the sunny days will always be more than the rainy days. I just have to pull through these rainy days for the both of us, and look forward to the much brighter ones.

I leave with this song and this sentence: Baby, I hope you’re doing fine and that you’re getting space you need and asked for. I love you and I still can’t imagine a life without you. Somehow I hope you feel the same way too.