You'll never fly, if you're too scared of the height
You'll never live if you're just too scared to die
Everybody wants heaven... i know
But darling freedom ain't free, its a long road
You'll never find your place up there in the sky..
If you never say goodbye.
Was playing some games, which I heard has a good story line, until my computer decided to retaliate against me a little because I treat it harshly :P lol. Compressing Data and doing scans and playing games at the same time is not really a combination that my computer really likes at the moment ahahaha. Like it has a choice anyway XD
Didn’t really sleep much today. Got back at about 1am, from watching Star Trek into darkness, and then slept at maybe about 3 >_> Micro dozed off for about two hours before my brother’s bad breath caught up to me and I woke up >_> ever since then I haven’t been able to fall back to sleep, and the time now is 9:51am. As good as 10am >_>
I guess the more notable part about the whole evening then is how she messaged me out of the blue, to somewhat thank me for wishing her happy birthday, and to engage in some small level idle conversations with me. Meh. I don’t even see why that’s even necessary to be honest. Personally thanking me for wishing her happy birthday seems like such an unnecessary move, given that it’s not really that big of a deal. The strangeness really comes to play in the conversations I guess. Felt a bit stiff and awkward, and of course, as soon as she comes she disappears. Really don’t know what’s on her mind right now. She’s got a new boyfriend now and she’s happy with him, why am I still in this weird equation I wonder.
On that note, I do know that she’s been reading my blog, this very blog right now, and I know the frequency at which she does it. Questions really start to arise for me as to the matter of why. What good would it bring her. What’s the point of it, and why does she do it. It may sound like I am curious and I want to know the answer though, but to be frank, I really couldn’t care less right now. I mean, sure, it’s kinda weird, but nothing that I’d particularly care about at this point in time. I just chock it up to her being weird and strange, which to some extent, of course she is. I just hope that it’s none of that denial business with some lingering feelings going around. I’m already trying to keep my distance and feeding any communications between us, less something happens between her and her new boy and shit falls apart for them, partly because of course, I don’t really want her back right now, and 2, it would be purely unintentional.
Meh. Just one of those things in life that strikes me as weird, but then again people are weird.
I may head back down and get me some proper breakfast. Having just tea doesn’t seem to cut it right now >_>
Hamster off.
I learned to stand on my own again
In the aftermath of us
I picked up all the pieces
That you never cleaned up
You can't throw this away
Keep coming back around, back around
You're still burning all our bridges
Now there's no way back to you
Do you think I walk on water,
Oh, do you think I walk on water
You're locked out in the cold again
Cause you've used up all my trust
Can't find what you're here looking for
Got my windows boarded up
You can't throw this away
Keep coming back around, back around
You're still burning all our bridges
Now there's no way back to you
Do you think I walk on water,
Oh, do you think I walk on water
Living day to day like there’s not another one
One step at a time, just grateful that I'm alive
It’s easier to see the dark, painful side of things
But when i look back, I'm learning from everything
No we can’t let hope burn out
If we hold peace inside ourselves
Though I know that this life lives inside of me
It can feel like the world’s crashing down
When I’m lost in the pain life is frightening
But I remember love can bring it all around
Yeah someday our love will bring it all around
Though I know that this life lives inside of me
It can feel like the world’s crashing down
When I’m lost in the pain life is frightening
But i remember love can bring it all around
Yeah someday our love will bring it all around
One of those days where I’m not really asleep yet. I was actually quite sleepy about 4-5 hours ago, while watching Man vs Wild in my bed, but I’m somewhat powering through now =_= There are extenuating circumstances behind this of course. One does not simple stay awake without good reason after all.
My brother isn’t back yet =_= he was supposed to have some Xpax Celcom commercial shoot thing at 2am and then close to 4am, it still hasn’t even started yet. Now. Before we go even further than this, who the fuck even schedules a commercial shoot at 2am? Who the fuck. Seriously. And then fine, Whatever. 2am. Make people wait 2 hours and then still am not ready? Unprofessional to the max. I called my brother a few times, and told him to scold the guys there, because you don’t have the time to wait for this shit to happen. You’re a college student with class the next day. The fact that it’s 2am, is bad enough, the fact that they’re not punctual and professional makes it all the more worse.
God. The problem is that the same thing has actually happened yesterday. He had to wait for like I think 4 hours or so, then he’s told as well that he’s not being used in the shoot because they had a sudden change in mind =_= who the fuck does that. Who the fuck seriously does that. God. I hate Malaysia for this particular reasons altogether. They’re so unprofessional at times. They don’t know how to behave professionally, keeping a strict schedule on things, delivering quality and what not. Everything in their eyes, can be fixed with a fucking kopi or mamak visit after. Oh yes, everything is supposed to be A-okay after that. My ass. Fuck.
My brother even has like his own video shooting thing to do the next day that he has to direct, and nevermind that it’s taking place in the afternoon, people still need to come home and rest right? =_= fuck. I really don’t want to see him going for the shoot all tired and lack of motivation or what not. It was bad enough that he came back yesterday at 3am, and got like 4 hours of sleep before he headed back out. I just don’t like this kind of lifestyle and people I guess. They reek of inefficiencies, and just… GAH. Maybe I’m a bit OCD like that, but I can’t take this shit you know? This is really not acceptable to me.
Fuck. There’s actually a bit of rage in me right now =.= Bleh.
I’m heading off. I can’t deal with this.
Nights.
Hmm… Just some chill sessions in the house before I shower and head out to buy some stuff for mother’s day. No, not last minute present shopping, but rather last minute grocery shopping. I’ll be cooking for the family, like almost every other big and major event now. :\ I’ll be making Grilled Salmon cooked with Cumin Seeds, with a side of Asparagus. I hope it comes out well hahah.
On the present side of things, it may not be much, but I got my mom a bottle of French Champagne (actually from Champagne region in France) for this mother’s day. There’s this misunderstanding of what Champagne is, much like Post-Its. Post-it’s are a brand of actual sticky notes, hence you’re only allowed to call it sticky notes legally. Same for Champagne, everyone else is really only allowed to call it sparkling white wine, since Champagne is only allowed to be called Champagne, if it’s from the Champagne region of France.
</Random Knowledge>
Yes. I’m random like that. Hah. Settling down back at home is nice, but I still need to get my ass back in gear and get things moving again. Oh well. It’s nice to be able to move at my own pace like that. Oh one of the other things that I’ve also just really realised, is that I’m the first known and published researcher in my Family’s lineage :o Crazy right? XD Also, I’m the first game developer/ programmer, but hahah, that’s just being a bit too… hmmm… normal. XD
Oh. On that extra side note of things, I am of course, just that little bit happy that TZ is being quite… hmm… what’s the word… filial with her parents and the important people in her life. It’s one of those things that makes me just that little bit happy, despite me really feeling nothing at all now. It’s like a name now, which used to mean something to you, but not really anymore. So it’s always interesting to see how I deal with a lot of shit. I won’t lie though. Time and time again, if I do see her name around, I close tabs, or block out manually anything that may have her name on it. No hard feelings, but that’s just how it is now.
Minus for a few sour patches along the way, life is good. I don’t have much to complain about, and in many ways, I’m happy. I don’t feel the want/ need to get married anytime soon, and lately, post Paris, not even a girlfriend anymore. I just want to be alone. :\ happy and alone, without that inertial propensity to have any bits of my emotional state broken. Calmness. Ah. Calmness, how I miss you so much.
Alright. better finish off my drink, then shower and head out to buy my shit.
Cya.
Finally. Back to Malaysia, and on a new keyboard as well. Trying it out now, kinda takes a little getting used to >_> At the moment, I don’t think I’m too used to it just yet >_> Kinda miss my old keyboard now ._. all those years spent learning and understanding the layout lol >_> hahaha. This one’s not exactly bad, it glows blue as well, but the shape of the keys and stuff aren’t something that I’m really quite used to yet >_> oh well. :|
Uhm. Yeah. Back to Malaysia. Europe was… fun I guess? A lot more fun than really what it was back then. I feel that this time around, I really went in with a lot less emotional baggage, so it was a lot easier on me mentally as well. All I really had to worry about was getting my hardware for the demonstration to work, and in that case, everything was in the control of my own hands :| yeah. It’s a lot easier to appreciate these other countries when you don’t really have to worry about things like relationships >_> haha ._.
Which kinda brings me upon the topic of what I really wrote on the other day, about these girls and stuff. I don’t know. In many ways, I really just still wanna still stay single you know? I don’t really like this current feeling of mine to disappear >_> then again, I know that people can’t wait forever as well, and the time to move is… well, just that. The time to move. :|
For now all that I can say is that it’s really nice to be home, and you know… just that feeling of being able to wind down and chill, rest a little bit more and things like that. I really miss this feeling of just being able to wind down. It’s really underestimated.
Blah. Okay, I think the jet lag is getting to my head. I’m gonna go… lie down and rest for a bit >_> lol.
laters >_>
Haven’t really written at all since I’ve come to Cologne. Mostly because I haven’t really felt like it I guess. Nothing that much to write about. I guess if anything was a good honourable mention here, then it’d be the fact that well… Ann seems to be picking up semi aggressive towards me as well, and… I don’t mind hahaha. She seems really keen on the idea of us, and I think that’s a cool idea too, but I really feel that there’s more to it than that, if that makes sense.
For starters, one of the things I realised upon coming to Europe, is that me as a person, romantically, I’ve gotten a lot more… aggressive since who I was quite some time ago. Aggressive and successful too, if I might add. I seem to do quite well with picking up girls, and getting close to them, and as bad as it sounds as well, I would like to explore this side of mine a little bit more, before I choose to settle with someone. Not saying that I’d like to have flings with people, but… it’s more along the lines of I wanna see if I’m really capable in getting any girl I set my mind to, understanding the extents of course, as to what I’m capable of. Of course, once I do get them, I do intend to take responsibility, so it’s not as if I’m playing a high and dry game here. I'm just exploring my… hmm… newfound abilities a bit more curiously, if there was ever a good way to saying that.
With that said though… I did like Ann for quite some time. Even back when I was dating TZ, I kinda had a thing or Ann. I knew where my loyalties lied though, so I kept my contact with her to a minimum. I was happy back then. Things are sort of different now with the bars all lifted. She presents to me quite the pro-set, that makes it really difficult to ignore. Let’s take a look at it shall we? She’s Cute, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she has a good sense of fashion, she’s loyal, she’s kind, she’s family oriented, I enjoy my time with her, she enjoys my company, we love to hang around with each other, we’re both in the games career, she’s an artist where I’m a Programmer/ Designer, and yeah… If I do end up together with her, and by together, I mean marrying her and stuff… I become an Aussie Citizen/ PR or what not :| It almost sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? >_> hahahaha. I don’t know. She seems interested to coming to visit in Malaysia, so that could be interesting I guess.
With that somewhat… settled, the only thing that I’m not quite happy with yet, is the state of my Career. I’m still somewhat jobless, though I’ve gotten quite a few job offers from Bloomberg, and also Microsoft, to work in their Xbox Department, but I’d probably have to work in Microsoft Beijing first :| Then later only get transferred to like Microsoft USA under Xbox >_> lol. Apart from that… I’m a recognized researcher now, with searches in Google Scholar returning the research papers that I and Chad have co-published… So yeah, I have two research papers :| Still, I’m far from the self sustaining Game Developer that I want to be, and I am not sure if I’m any step closer in the right direction… I feel like I’m becoming more academic, more than anything else, where I want to be more hands on and create more things :< It’s a dilemma I guess >_>
Hmmm… Yeah. I guess that’s about it for today. ._. I feel like… One way or another, I will probably fall in love with Ann ._. with that, it would probably mark the end of like… my single days… probably forever. I have this big gut feeling >_> but I don’t exactly mind it… to a sense, I know that she could probably make me a very happy guy. I… just feel a little commitment phobic now I guess, from anything too serious. I feel like I’m not ready for it yet, though at the same time, I feel I would be happy with it. I just have to take my time for now I guess :\ oh well ._.
Hamster off and out
Yep. Today is the last day in Paris and I’m here chilling in the Hotel for a bit before I head out to the Ron Mueck Exhibition and just look at some of his stuff. After that, I’m heading out to the Lourve, and then to just see the Eifel Tower. Not planning to really go up, but just seeing it from the bottom. Should be good enough.
Oh Man. Yesterday. So good. I swear, I have no idea why CHI is filled with so many cute girls * A * and like researcher girls as well, so it’s like… Guaranteed smartness. So hot. and so sexy. XD hahahaha The most notable one yesterday, is also probably one of the more interesting contact experiences as well.
So, let me really go through it bit by bit. We were packing up right, since the conference has just ended. Packing up the projector and shit, and you know, just cleaning up. This girl (really cute, well dressed, and also… had really nice hair ._.) came running/ skipping almost towards us, and started talking to me about our project. Super weird, but I didn’t really mind. She was cute :| and hot. :| She was really into it, and so I started to explain the game to her. She’s apparently from Korea, and she didn’t speak that much English, but hey, we sort of communicated just fine. Chad took out his camera to like take photos of some stuff, and instantly she bumped really close to me, to want to take a photo with me :| and Chad was like… uhm… okay, so that ended up happening.
Okay, so… maybe it’s not like the most flattering of photos, but it’s still really interesting. After I explained it, I got her name card, and she left, somewhat skipping away back to her booth as well ._. I got to admit, I was somewhat enchanted by her, and ended up visiting or passing by her booth, just to get glimpses of her, at least before I left CHI for good. I ended up adding her on Facebook, though she hasn’t accepted yet :| She seems to only speak a lot of Korean… but meh. I’ll see about that XD
Oh. Another thing that you may have noticed is that I’m holding an android plushy. xD I won that in the Google Booth’s competition, though this is pretty much second place prize, rather than first place. First place was an actual Nexus 7, and that was the one that I was gunning for, but in hindsight, I suppose this is the better prize, because it’s the more limited edition prize. I don’t really like the Nexus 7 that much anyway, and we all know about my feelings towards the Tegra 3 Chipset. In short, nvidia can suck it. :|
So yeah. It’s been interesting. Who knows, I may even end up hooking up with girls from like… Korea~ or Japan… yeahhhhhh. I’m not exactly saying no to that :P She doesn’t look particularly plastic, in fact, she looks pretty normal lol. Just not sure how old she really is XD hahahaha But it’s been fun. :3
Probably gonna end my blogging here. Last day in Paris, I wanna do some travelling :D
CYA BLOG. Hamster off and out
._. I was gonna end up posting yesterday, but I was so damn tired that I ended up falling asleep at my laptop while I was doing my daily reading. It’s been quite the busy few days, and I’ve been quite exhausted. Man.
Oh. Man. So. Many. Cute Girls. At this conference. :| So many of them asking to play my game and it was so fun and nice talking to them @ A @. I know it’s kinda bad of me to say, but yeah… It’s probably the one thing that I’m really enjoying at this point, the interaction… with the girls ._. In particular, there was this REALLY cute girl yesterday. I was just… frozen. She was just… beautiful to be honest. I stood there, and just… was semi frozen. Stopped almost ._. I wanted to talk to her and get to know her, but I was busy attending to someone else at the time, and I couldn’t just leave them and you know… approach her ; w ; In the end, she left, and I never really saw her again ._.
There was this other really cute girl again today, and yeah, I actually talked to her a little bit before, when I was at her booth. She came to mine, but I was busy repairing the hardware ._. (it failed so many times) In the end she passed as well, and I couldn’t really get to talk to her, and introduce her to my game ; w ; Shame. They were all so cuteeee and ASSIIIAAAANN D: Not that I mind non asians for that matter. In fact one of them talked to me for quite some time, and I got to know them quite well, and even wanted to do an interview with me :3 lol
I never knew researcher girls were so cute and… wow ._. lol. I feel so shallow right now, but GOD DAMN IT, I CAN’T HELP IT WHEN SOMEONE IS SO… JAW DROPPING D: I’m single now as well :| Not that I’m out there to get together with them, but yeah… it’s really the idea that I can D: hahahaha ._. Not that I wanna be a researcher anytime soon, but yeah smart and sexy does exist… apart from myself of course. : D hahahahaha jokes. or is it :|
A lot of people seemed to be interested in application of the game for primary school children and kids, to get them more active and to exercise more, and I think that’s really a GREAT idea :D I would really love to see this game applied to schools, to get kids to be more physically active and to have more physical play, together with a digital game :3 Apart from that, they want to apply it to train fencers, amongst other things, and a lot of other people asked if it was ever gonna be a complete product, to sell and to market to people, because it’s so good and simple :D Well… I don’t have plans on monetizing it though. I don’t think exercise should be something we pay for :) Why should I deny people of that?
Oh, I participated in the Google booth today as well! It was a game a bout how fast we can type certain words in a minute, and the person who types the most words at that time… will win a Nexus 7 tablet. Guess who’s up top? yeah. Yours truly. I mean, the real top top now, is someone else, but he’s apparently a staff at Google, so he CAN participate, but he’s not allowed to win XD So yeah. I’m still up there at 19 desserts in 1 minute xD fyi, he did 22. Chad only did 12. I beat him at 13 on first try. We only get two tries. If this all goes well… I’m walking home with a Nexus 7. How Awesome is that x3
Man. So awesome this event. Seeing new tech, meeting really cool people, plenty of people asking for my business card, and an opportunity to work with me… man… so crazy. So awesome :3 I’m actually starting to really enjoy Paris now :D I do feel more than a bit lonely… which would explain why I’m such a MAJOR flirt here… I really do miss the companion of… a female partner that I can really laugh and smile… and enjoy life with… but meh. What can I do now right? just gotta enjoy life and do stuff. I even have a feeling some of the girls at the lab are really enjoying my presence, so yeah… :| Not as if I can’t attract girls right? :P lol.
Oh so much fun. Alright. I’m off for now. I got a shitload of other things to do. It’s a busy busy time for me. Cya blog :3
HAMSTUR
