It’s really not the easiest to explain right now but I really do feel like I’m going through some sort of depression.
I get demotivated easily, I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t want to wake up, I sort of look forward yet dread the days that come, I find myself living more or less day by day.
I get it that my life really isn’t all that bad, there’s plenty of things around me that I can be happy for and just be contented with, but the reality is that it really isn’t like that.
I find myself just wanting to stuff myself with food, to make myself feel better, or failing that just take enough alcohol so that I forget that I even feel like shit to begin with.
I am logical enough to be able to really discern and decipher these kinds of feelings, but knowing it still doesn’t change the fact that I have it or feel this way.
Maybe I’m lacking some sense of completion in my life you know? I’m just like... Trying and waiting for something good to happen, and I guess that the Thai stuff is going to happen, but I can’t help but feel extremely insecure about it.
It really isn’t easy. It’s easier to feel shit than to feel good and secure and contented with a lot of things; Like how I feel like the people around me are earning a lot more than I do, that I can’t really provide with my family, yet all I mostly do from day to day is just wake up and feel like a disappointment, play games to try and feel better about things, but to no obvious extent, just feel shit about myself because I don’t really achieve anything by playing games to the level that I do.
I mean part of that copium as it were is also just doing Youtube I guess, and while I feel good when making the content, just the amount of viewership that I get just is really disappointing because it just feels as if I’ve wasted my time on this you know? I get it that there are things that I am better off doing though, I get it.
Maybe I should just step away from that YouTube stuff for a bit, just finish like what I have in the pipeline for the most part then just go on a bit of a disappearance, because I mean in the end, who really watches my content anyway and is it even worthwhile producing? I’m not even sure anymore.
I think that part of the shopping spree that I’ve been having recently is also part of that; You know, that satisfaction that comes from receiving new stuff to play with, just that little bit of transient happiness and satisfaction... Maybe that’s really what it is. What I’m really doing right now is trying to get as many of those little happiness moments into my life so as to just mask out the larger sadness and disappointments that I have.
That’s not to say that they’re even difficult to solve, on the contrary, I think that they’re relatively easy to solve, the only problem really being that they’re highly dependent on my mood and creative skills which is at an all time low right now and yeah that really sucks.
Right now I’m just contemplating on the right thing to do to be honest. The thing about me and alcohol consumption, at least right now the way I’m thinking is that it has a higher tendency to silence my emotional side and just accentuate my logical side.
My biggest decision now is as to whether I do decide to get a laptop under personal funds to make it such that I am able to do work outside of the house or not. I think that will help me if I was able to exit every now and again without feeling guilty about it, but as to whether I do decide for or against it or not is in the air right now.
Man, having two really different sides to me is really tough, and also extremely annoying that it takes alcohol to silence that emotional side of me and just go with logic...
