Feelings.

Launched my own personal site yesterday. Or was it the day before. I’m quite excited about it, as it could present me with new opportunities as far as jobs and things I could do goes. It also gives me a rather rare opportunity to test all sorts of devices and things tech, and that’s basically something that I really fancy at this point in time. I don’t know how well it’ll take off or how it’ll be received though.

That’s not the real reason why I’m writing in though. I’m writing in because one way or another, I’m feeling like crap right now, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’ve grown way too attached to Alexis, perhaps more than I should be, given that I know what’s going to come in terms of the both of us. Under no real circumstance do I see the both of us really working out. It’s a fling of sorts, I know. I know that even if there was that smidgen of something, that it’ll be TZ all over again, with her heading off to study elsewhere, and I would be a fool to repeat the mistakes of the past. Still, it doesn’t make the hurt any much less I guess.

It does pain me to know that I won’t be able to freely see her anymore, it pains me that there will be distance between us, oh boy it pains me. I know I shouldn’t fall for her, but one way or another, I feel that I really have already. I feel that I have, and the moments when she’s away seem to be the moments where I realise things like this. She’s out clubbing with her friends now, normal by any means, and where it wasn’t something I ever worried about before, it’s really something that’s driving me somewhat insane now and weighing in heavy in my heart. I’ve been perfectly fine before with her going out solo with other guys, because I know that I don’t own her anyway, and I don’t really have much intention to do so right now, but deep down there’s this driving passion of wanting to.

She’s kind of tomboy in that sense, that she spends a lot of time with other guys, though they mean nothing to her romantically. For that matter, I’m one of the only guys she treats romantically, such that she makes an effort to dress up when she goes out with me, it instantly somewhat becomes a date and not to mention that she doesn’t really mind spending time with me, even up till late nights, and also me kissing her, so I mean, if we weight up all the points, then sure, there’s really nothing to worry or bother about. Why should there be anyway, she’s not even my girlfriend to begin with, right?

She’s not even the usual girl that I would go after tbh. She just so happened to be a girl I enjoyed hanging around with, because okay fine, I found her just that little bit cute, but I never intended it to be anything more than that, I never even imagined it as such. As the days pass by though, I find myself seeing her more and more pretty than how I originally saw her, and I think that’s eating into me a little, that slow realisation that I’m falling for her, despite so much of her going against the mantra of perhaps what I find attractive in a girl. There’s so much of those flaws that I would usually nit pick and just not give much of a second chance on a usual basis, but I don’t really find myself doing any of that this time around. It worries me a little. It worries me maybe because I don’t want to fall in love again, at least not like this, into this sort of situation once more.

Of course, no one can say if it really will lead itself into that sort of conclusion, but I mean, if there’s ever a time to take lessons from past relevant experiences, then now would definitely be the time. I don’t see much of a future between us, at least not now. The issue is of course, with me at the moment, not knowing how to deal with it, and perhaps even allowing myself to fall in love with her, something that maybe I should not have allowed to happen.

I hear that her dad wants to treat me to dinner as well. I mean, it could very well be nothing, but it’s definitely something that strikes me just a little bit as funny. Sure, I met her dad and I shot weapons with him, but I did it not so much because I wanted to meet her dad (To one point, yes, because of all the rumours on how scary he is. He’s pretty cool though), but rather because I wanted to fire off firearms once more, something that I have not really done for a long time now. He seemed really cool with me, and even when I then offered to pay for the bullets that I used, he said that it was fine, and all I needed to do was to take his daughter out for dinner. Such an odd request from a dad to be honest. I was told that her dad thinks that I do like her, and well, he isn’t exactly wrong in that remark. I do.

I guess it’s just strange that her dad wants to see me and have dinner with me, just because I helped him get a battery for his laptop which… is actually me doing the things that I can to help people, because I know how to do it. Okay, maybe a little bit because it’s her dad, but not really much other leverage there.

Oh well. I’m trying to take things one at a time I guess. I’m quite jam packed with work these few days that I just don’t have the time to do a lot of the things that I usually do. It’s the irony where I usually find myself very free, yet these days, I don’t even have the time to do the simplest of things. Blah.

Actually, I don’t know if she really went clubbing “today”, since today is Thursday, and from what I can remember, I think it was Friday. Meh. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW OKAY DX all I know is that right now I miss her ass, and I want to talk to her, even if it’s for a while, and about the stupidest of shit. IDK. DON’T ASK. I’M LOST INTERNALLY AS WELL ><

 

Hamster off and out.

(P.S. It feels to long blog again after a long long time. yes.)

Finally.

Those were the words that Alexis said after I kissed her for the first time. I was king of aiming for the lips, but it kinda offsetted and went to the cheeks a little. Given that it’s 6:25am now, and she was over all this time until now, forgive me for having such terrible aim then.

Also, finally probably because this was probably the first time in a while that I felt it was okay to kiss her, that I wasn’t just seeing her because I missed being in a relationship, or it had anything to do with my ex. Nope, I did it because I knew that I did downright like her. To me then, the move was only logical. Although I flustered and panicked a little, I sort of knew that she liked me anyway. Each time she met me she would dress up really nicely, and not to mention that she wouldn’t really get mad at me, even though she would have every reason to do so.

I just really wanted to make sure I was ready for all of it, and gave myself ample time to think about it and understand what everything I do entails, running the simulation in my head over and over again, to make sure that I’m doing something that I wouldn’t regret. I don’t. The fact that she’s 7 years younger than me has sort of slipped my head as well. It still disturbs me sometimes to think that she’s my brother’s age, but I don’t bother about it that much this time around.

Despite all of that though, I will put it out there that we’re not in a relationship, and I don’t know if we will ever be in one. Circumstances has just lined it up as such. Still. I don’t feel that it was a mistake to do so. I really do like her, and I think what I did was only just natural then. Whatever comes next… I’ll just take it slowly and see what happens.

We all know what happened when I started to move too fast anyway.

 

 

hamster off and out.

7K poorer… kinda.

Tired tired tired. I just enrolled myself into True Fitness for 3 years. Poor poor poor. I just got myself a Personal Trainer for 39 sessions + 6 free as well :| I think it’s worth it. Startling revelation as well, I found out that I have a terrible 25% of fat in my body D: It takes up an approximate 20 kg just by itself :| Non fat, I weight about 67, but that’s just being silly. There’s no way you can reach a 0% fat count. The trainer said himself that my Target weight should be about 75, with myself bulked up by then.

I guess I don’t feel to bad about it. I’m really committed to doing this. I put down about 4k just for my enrolment for 3 years, and an additional 3.5 for my Personal trainer. That’s a lot of money, but I think it’s a good investment given it’s my first salary that I’m getting. For my first salary to go into my personal betterment? I think that’s more than a good thing. He’s guiding me into the best ways into getting better and fitter, as well as pointing out the things which I did wrong before as well. A good thing by any means. If all goes well, he said that I could get a physique similar to that of Jason Statham hahaha. I hope XD I doubt it will happen, but one can hope right? XD

Yeah. My next session is on Wednesday, but I’ve got a lot of work to do before that. I’m really behind on everything, and it doesn’t help that I’m a bit slacker as far as things go. I’ve got to present to Samsung this coming Friday, so that doesn’t particularly calm my nerves very well, given that I haven’t even started work yet. I’m confident in my working speed, but the question of whether it’ll be enough to show still lingers on the top of my head. I won’t get away with just a slap on the wrist if it’s not up to par, but then again, I’m showing off a draft build, and not a final build, so I could possibly get away with a lot. If I’m there to talk and explain the project with them, I’m sure they can understand the scale of things as well, and why it would take long, given that I’m one guy working alone on something this massive.

Yeah. I hope everything turns out okay. I still have a mobile phone report to write up as well, which I’m thinking I’ll just finish it tomorrow morning. I feel sleepy, and may take an early night. This gym may be that chance to get back at a healthier lifestyle. Yes. I can see this as a good thing. And when I’m all hot and sexy face, I can gladly flaunt the sexy. HAH!

XD Alright, that’s all for now. I’m off. Nights.

 

hamster off and out.

Laptop is an Anti-Procastination tool

Doing just a little bog posting from my laptop right now. I’m finding that I can’t really work on my desktop, for whatever reason, so as such, I’m actually on the same table as my desktop, except that of course I’m looking into my laptop screen and typing into my laptop. Just too much distractions and too much fun stuffs on my desktop. Ain’t that the truth. Gave my laptop a new coat of thermals, so that it runs a bit cooler, and so far, it is as well. Good stuff.

Not much been going on these few days, except that I’ve been kinda slacker lately, and I know I shouldn’t given the amount of work I still have to have done by the end of the week, or at least by the end of two weeks time. It’s not a small amount, and people are hoping on my progress as an expert in the field, and having raised their expectations as such. I even picked up this side thing as a mobile phone reviewer, and currently I’m in the midst of finishing up a mobile phone review, and writing up a full review for it, to which I’m going to be publishing in my own website which I’ll be setting up as well for these things. They’re giving me a pay to go with it, and they’re willing to send over devices for free if I attract a lot of sales for them, so that’s always a fun thing.

People on Youtube as well seem to really like my style of review, and I’ve got some even asking me when I’m going to be doing my next review, as well as what device I will be reviewing. Very interesting in that sense I guess, and this could be a big thing for me, given that I of course really enjoy the reviewing of these mobile phones. I could be the next Paul Tan of Mobile Phones in Malaysia lol, at least that’s what my dad thinks, as well as what he’s been pushing me towards.

Yeah. I don’t know how it’ll all play out, but hey, I’m hoping for the best. After last blog’s semi explosion as well, I’ve become a lot more tolerant, so I’m actually quite chill with that aunt’s antics as well, especially since she left, and ESPECIALLY since the other day her iPad froze when she was gonna show us some stuff, and I was all like : D WELL. I THINK SOMEONE’S IPAD IS FROZEN : D

“Nah, It’s probably updating the software now”
Sure it is friend : D Sure it is. I know a crash when I see one. Pfft Apples don’t crash. What hokum

The best part is how the karma hit her herself, and all that I needed to do was just watch it burn to the ground.. and just whiff in the satisfaction in the air… MMPHHH!!! XD

Okay, I think I really need to clean up and get going. I’ve been waking up wayyyy too late these days to get anything done, and true enough, nothing gets done. Hate my routine man. I get so distracted so easily sometimes… Especially with the competitive Pokemon battles with friends these days ._. DAT 2 v 2 IS INTENSE YO. DON’T JUDGE ME DX

 

Hamster off nado ut

RAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEEE

Haven’t had much time to write in. Haven’t had much time to do anything. As much as I like having relatives over, they take up a lot of my time which I don’t have a lot of at the moment, from the things that I want/ need to do. It’s very frustrating, and every little bit of me right now just wants to ignore them and just go about my own Business. They’re all the way from Japan after all.

And oh, apparently a new relative I just met is staying over at my place now.

I dislike her. I mean, I SERIOUSLY dislike her. Sorry for saying this, but she’s every bit a stereotypical Singaporean, but worse. She’s worse than all my other Singaporean friends, who are quite nice people. The worst part is that she’s a relative. She came in, and after talking to her for a bit, she started going on on how she’s hip with IT and things like that. She also got herself the new iPhone 5S, and not just that, in Gold and in 64GB, pretty much the most expensive combination you can get. She says how Singaporeans can just buy a new phone every other weekend, and that iPhones are pretty much the only phones anyone should use.

I say that in the sense, that she starts PREACHING THE SHIT out of me, on something I feel she knows very little about, yet is so opinionated about.

IPHONES ARE SO EASY TO USE, COMPARED TO SAMSUNGS AND ANDROIDS. THEY' ALWAYS LAG, AND WHEN THEY GET A SOFTWARE UPDATE, THEY LAG SOME MORE.

…that’s not true, in fact Android software is actually tuning itself to get lighter, though admittedly the first iterations of Android were terrible, we’re at a stage where they’re pretty good now, and not to mention it was Apple’s latest software update that caused quite a stir, and not just this update as well, but the past big one, because users of older phones, mysteriously find their phones unusably slow and difficult to use, when nothing new has been added in terms of functionality.

NAP NAP NAP, WELL, SAMSUNG, YOU HAVE TO UPDATE MANUALLY LA. YOU HAVE TO HOOK IT TO THE COMPUTER AND THEN DOWNLOAD IT MANUALLY, SO MAH FAN

Well, given that it’s usually very uncommon that it happens, and it’s really not that big of a deal (I feel at least), it’s okay, but of course, not perfect.

SAMSUNG ALSO AH, TO UPDATE THE FIRMWARE, YOU NEED TO PAY MONEY! WITH APPLE, IT’S FREE

What the fuck. Where the hell did you get that from. You have never needed to pay for Android updates, EVER.

YA YA, THEY’RE FREE, BUT IPHONES UPDATE THEMSELVES OVER THE INTERNET WITHOUT THE NEED OF A COMPUTER, AND IT’S INTERNET IS FASTER!!!

What the fuck is going on here. You just went back entirely on what you said, and you’re spouting things which generally don’t make sense, or are just so shallow, vacuous and vague. What the fuck.

That’s basically what I dealt with tonight, in a nutshell. Let me tell you that no amount of whiskey I was drinking then, was enough to null out the STUPID that was coming out of her mouth. And it’s really okay to be stupid, or not know as much, but DAMN SHE WAS OBNOXIOUS ABOUT IT. OBNOXIOUS BECAUSE HER RICH HUSBAND WOULD BUY HER A NEW PHONE EVERY WEEK, AND THEY BUY PHONES JUST TO PLAY AND DUMP EVERY WEEK OR SO. why? BECAUSE SINGAPOREANS CAN? what the FUCK? That’s not even RIGHT. That mentality is FUCKED UP MAN.

She’s like my mom’s age, she’s got two kids, the oldest one is 23, and she appeared in my house, with what looked like Clubbing make up and a clubbing dress, and she’s asking my brother where to go clubbing in Malaysia? WTF? Apparently she does her own thing and her husband does his own thing as well? What the fuck! That’s kinda fucked up if you ask me >< FUCK. I REALLY DON’T LIKE HER. It feels like she goes around sleeping with men and doing stuff with them, because she’s still caught in this clubbing thing and refused to grow up. I’m not even joking with that. She was somewhat bragging on how men would hit on her and shit like that. FARK. MAYBE I DON’T KNOW HER THAT WELL, BUT SHE HAS TERRIBLE FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

The best part is that I have no time for a lot of this shit right now, even with my Jap relatives over, and now my parents are ditching me with this relative, expecting me to spend time with her, and foregoing my own shit, while at the same time asking if I’ve got my shit done.

NO, I DO NOT HAVE MY SHIT DONE, BECAUSE YOU KEEP TAKING UP MY FUCKING TIME LIKE THIS. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO THAT I CAN DO MY OWN SHIT, I’M ACTUALLY FUCKING BUSY WITH A LOT OF THINGS TO DO, AND I GET CAUGHT UP IN MY OWN LIFE STYLE AS WELL. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SPEND TIME AS WELL WITH AN AUNTIE WHICH EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HER SEEMS TO PISS ME THE FUCK OFF! FUCK.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. Fuck. fuck.

I don’t know. I’m stressed. I don’t like socialising when I have shitload of things to do, and worst of all, I hate being FORCED to socialise when I don’t want to. When I DON’T socialise the way they want me to as well, I get fucking labelled as a recluse or something, or some fucking video game addict. DO YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I PLAYED GAMES TILL LATE NIGHT? She just seems to be anti whatever I’m doing. She dislikes me using the computer, when my work lies within in, and I like doing my work. Her IDEA for happiness for me is retiring rich because my job apparently sucks in her view. What if I don’t want to. What if I like doing what I do, and I don’t give a SHIT what you say about it. Deep down, I know you don’t liike it, and you wish I was some engineer and shit like that, and I’m here to say to you, DEAL WITH IT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY JOB, I LIKE DOING IT, AND I GET PAID TO DO IT. I’M GETTING PAID WELL TO DO IT AS WELL. SO PLEASE. SHUT THE FUCK UP. GOD.

Maybe I’ve just got so much pent up frustration and stress welled up inside of me. No matter how much I seem to shout or scream, it seems to always be there. I find that going out with someone I like tends to quell it by quite a bit, Alexis in this case, but she herself is a case for one of my griefs at times, on how wtf she can be. I don’t even know if I want to do any of this anymore, yet at the same time, she’s the only thing left that I have that can really elevate this stress, short of moving out of the house, which will probably happen in the next few weeks, at least a place for me to chill and work at for a while.

I’m just a bit stressed out. More than a bit stressed out. I feel that life in Malaysia, with all it’s comforts, is still not better than my life in Australia, which although was more ‘poor’ and humble, in the things that I could do, eat, experience… I really loved and enjoyed. Living alone and thriving. Away from parents and away from the stupid things that really take up my time. When it takes up my time, it’s because I want it to. I don’t know anymore. I’m just. Fucking. Stressed.

I’m contemplating going back to Australia for a Masters after this job stint in a year. An IT degree may help me get this PR I’ve been wanting.

Sigh. fuck.

 

Stressed hamster off nad out.

(unexpected explosive long post)

Busy.

Bloody busy. I haven’t really found the time to really write in these few days. A lot have been going on as well, and it’s been very time consuming. For starters, got into a semi squabble with mom few days back, that made her cry. Why? Because I asked about moving out of the house to at least my own place. After a lot of talk about it, and reasoning, she started to say, “Why can’t you be like my friend’s children, where they get married and even with kids, and live with their parents”.

I’m sorry, but that is just… I don’t know. If it happens, it happens, but I wouldn’t outwardly make it happen. In the off chance I get married anytime soon, and I’m only bloody 25 now, and really, staying with parents past marriage is just sad. I know that mom wants to spend more time with me etc etc, but I really… am not up to such an idea. I think they’ve been holding on to me quite tightly over the past few years, after I came back from Melbourne, and I think that I really dislike it. I really enjoy living alone, without being bolstered by anyone.

Got myself my first paycheck the other day as well. A nice sum of 6k for 1 and a half months of ‘work’. I put them in quotes, because honestly, not much work was done, because they kept flip flopping as well on the idea and I couldn’t get much done because of that. Also, because I got a bit lazy, but shh. None of that here. Got myself the Note 3 with that money, and to my horror, my unit came with physical damage on the volume rocker, and I didn’t really check the unit when I got it >< Can’t exactly bring it for an exchange, or refund either, because now they can just claim that I did the damages myself. I even called them up and told them about it, and they’re like… Well, we can’t do anything for you, you didn’t notice it when we opened it :| Fuark. =_=

Aside from that… Company is throwing me more jobs, so I’m kinda semi swamped at the moment, with timelines and shit on my back >.> They’re not hard jobs per se, but just irritating ones at this point I guess. Sigh.

Oh, and I’m considering going back to Melbourne after this 1 year in this company, to pursue my Masters in IT or what not. I feel that my current knowledge so far is kinda lacking, and yes, I know that this is just a piece of paper that doesn’t really teach me anything, but at least it somewhat puts me at ease… in a psychological sense. :\ That and I’m hoping that it gives me that extra shot at an Australian PR. I’m really unsure if I want to stay in Malaysia at this point. I know parents are here, but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel or seem right anymore @_@ It’s hard to really explain.

But that’s a year from now, and that’s subject to change. This is it for now I guess. I’ll live with what I have.

 

hamster off and out.