It's definitely been quite a week. Taking a long break from work (still am), coming back from Unreal Fest Bali, just kinda... coming in terms a little bit with what I am a little now... and I didn't quite realise that just by letting go by so much that weighs on me, be it work or life or just character, I've become quite... lost.
It manifests itself in the form of... absentmindedness, lack of clarity, fear, uncertainty, just a general... lostness I guess.
I mean don't get me wrong, it's kinda terrible, and I'm sure it sounds terrible, it kinda is, but it's kinda refreshing in a weird way being this... broken and vulnerable, not having my mind just being wired up all the time and just yeah...just allowing myself to be kinda... shit at life you know.
Even the things in the past where I KNOW I wouldn't have batted an eyelid like repair works or requests have just got me... second guessing myself, and... I dunno, kinda just getting used to the idea of saying no, or just being doubtful and not so gung ho all the time, accepting things I previously would have "known" would've been a cakewalk for me is honestly liberating.
Not having to do so much, having less responsibilities is just liberating and being able to mentally let go of so many things has been liberating. Being SHIT at things I normally would be on top of no questions asked is liberating.
Heck, I didn't even get my departure and arrival times proper lmao. Something that definitely got WTF looks from other people onto me, yet as I said, it just feels good, at least for now.
Not trying to be the fastest, the best, the smartest, not trying to behave as if I've ALWAYS got something to prove has been nice. Being human and fucking up more often than not has been nice.
Of course, eventually I do need to get myself back together again (accounts and payroll and just generally being an adult, a father and a husband and all that) but yeah, it's kinda weird but at least for a little while, I kinda enjoyed being a bit of a loser.
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