And I know, there was some good in you, you chose to hide it like you had something to prove

I awake,
From the dream,
That sends me right back when I first saw your face.

I look around,
Nothing's as it seems,
Because you're long gone, nothing but a memory,
in my head.

I count the days,
I want to know,
How was it so easy for you to up and let me go?
And I lay still,
In pure defeat,
This war we're waging I'm the one who never could retreat.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
So many things we never said the things we never got to see.
Wait just a minute,
This isn't how it's supposed to end.
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember,
me.

And after everything,
Why does it seem,
Like I'm the one who walks, smile, when I'm wanting to scream?

I hold my breath,
You hold the key,
You never took the time to see what's inside of me.

And I know, I know, I know,
It should get easier,
Yet I still wrestle with the thought of who you really were.

And I know, I know, I know,
There was some good in you;
You chose to hide it like you had something to prove.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be,
I let the best of you slip right in and attach to me.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to end,
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember,
me.

Penang once again.

Doing a bit of mobile blogging now, writing on my mobile phone, using a wireless keyboard that I hooked up to my phone via USB OTG. Technology is Marvelous.

I'm in Penang at the moment, in the condo. We're going to be renting this unit out, so probably the next time that I'll be here, I'll be living in a hotel instead. Good news is that for now, most of life in Penang hasn't got much association with her anymore. I quite like that, because at least that means that I can be at ease when I'm over here. Instead, I find myself thinking a lot more about Alexis to be honest, and I think that's a damn good thing right now.

There were some latent thoughts about Tze Ni today, but they weren't much. In particular, I think the reason why I'm a bit unhappy with her at the moment, is because, I mean come on, if you're gonna replace me with another guy, at least make him quite close or at least similar or matching than me right? at the moment, based on what I've been hearing all over, he's just pretty much a bag of disappointments, and I know, I don't really know him personally, but come on right. Come on. You can do way better than that and him. At the rate you guys are arguing, and the things that you guys do, please. disappointment.

Anyway, enough about that I guess. I got myself into a bit of sake just now, mom ended up buying a freaking 1.8L bottle of sake, and well, yeah, we mopped up close to half of the bottle. During that time, I came to a realisation, that yes, I probably do love Alexis, but there is a lot that's getting in the way of us being together in a relationship, majority of which coming from the fact that I used to be in a long distance relationship, and that didn't turn out too well, so I'm a bit afraid of that right now. I know that at the rate things are going now, we'll probably end up in one if we continue at it, so I don't really know. I don't know.

Apart from that, I know, I clearly know that she's not really the girl that TZ was. She's a bit more different. I know that she's not as pretty, and you know not as much of the same girl as her, but I don't think that really matters right now. Despite what she is, it's not as if she has habits or like traits that drive me crazy or up the wall. The reality of it just stands perhaps that I do love her, maybe not the same way I loved TZ before, but that perhaps stands to change. Even so, I'm not sure how much I welcome that kind of change. I don't know. I do know that I want to keep talking to her and just enjoying my time simply with her though.

Blah. I guess time will take its course, and solve things as it passes. I guess. I hope so.

hamster off and out

Yeah, I still need you, But what good’s that gonna do?

I've been waiting for months
Waiting for years
Waiting for you to change
Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber
There ain't much that's dumber
Than pinning your hopes on a change in another

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

So I been sitting around
Wasting my time
Wondering what you been doing
Aw, and it ain't real forgiving
It ain't real forgiving
Sitting here picturing someone else living

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

I've been hoping for months
Hoping for years
Hoping I might forget
Aw, but it don't get much dumber
It don't get much dumber
Than trying to forget a girl when you love her

And I, yeah, I still need you, but what good's that gonna do?
Oh, needing is one thing and getting, getting is another

When?
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
Why not me?
When?
When?
Why not now?
Why not me?
Why not me?

Changing dreams.

Writing in because I’m reminded of the dream I had today. A strange dream, that marks perhaps a turning point for many things, and one that perhaps gives me more clarity than the time I spend awake in itself. It’s a nightmare of sorts though so… It’s not as if it’s a pleasant dream :\

The dream… had obviously, me, and Alexis in it. In the dream itself, she told me that she got a boyfriend, and I was quite… sad. Sad enough to try and kick myself a few times to see if it was a dream itself. One of those things where when I awoke from it, I still wondered if it was real or not, or whether I should be sad or not. The thing is though, that I’ve always been apprehensive about being in another relationship, and things with Alexis to me are not that much more different. I do like her, and yes, maybe even love her, but I don’t know about being in a relationship with her. Thing is though that if my dream is any indication then… I don’t want her to go to any other guy either. It’s kinda fucked up like that.

I mean, on the good side, I guess it’s the first dream that I dreamt of someone else aside from TZ, and I suppose it somewhat shows that I have… hmmm developed feelings for someone else. The thing is though that… I believe that somewhere inside, I still have feelings for her, then you couple this with these new feelings, and suddenly you realise you have feelings for two people, obviously one stronger than the other, but both… well, lets just say that both not really a good reason FOR NOW, to get back into a relationship.

I have my reasons.

I like going solo, and it’s a lot more fun =_=

Blah.

Still, I would hate to see her go to another guy. Dilemma.

Commitments.

Haven’t really written in for about a month, so I decided to do some writing in now. Some things have happened here and there, though nothing really notable, or at least makes me feel so. Still, I feel like writing in a little if not to just elevate my mind from these things.

First off, I’ve been somewhat seeing Alexis for a while now,  yeah, and though nothing particularly serious, she has lately expressed her want to be in a relationship, though she knows that it’s not what she needs right now. She went about saying it in a rather round about way, but the message was still there, and yes, I still got the message. Still, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything like that to be honest. I thought I was, but on 2nd and 3rd take, I really don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship yet. For the most part, I’m really enjoying the freedoms of being single and just going out for dates with girls and getting to know them better and things like that. It’s a lot less stressful and with a lot less commitment, and you know, based on that last commitment failure of sorts, I’ve been very apprehensive about things like these now.

I know though, that some part of me likes her, and yes, maybe even love her to some extent. Internally though, I still feel like I want to be alone, as from the most pragmatic of senses, I have come towards this semi realisation that relationships in general, have not really benefitted me as much as they have dragged me down in what I want to do and what I need to do. My friend talks about the good being companionship and the lot, but when I make by alone daily these days, and lately I’ve wanted even more to be alone and left alone, I don’t see how that’s relevant to me right now. The thing is though, is that I know that I’m not young anymore. I know this, and I know that by the time I’m in my later 20’s, that most of my friends would maybe have gotten married and things like that, and maybe my chances of getting married then would have slimmed down substantially. Still, I don’t really give two shits about getting married right now, I don’t give two shits about getting in a relationship, and to be honest, I have no problems whatsoever of being a bachelor, at all.

What once was a dream of settling down early, and having kids, and things like that has been stripped out of me severely. Not that I don’t want to have kids, but I have zero urge to do so, prior to that even getting serious with any girl. That obviously doesn’t quite mean that I go around fooling with girls and playing with them, but I don’t know, I just don’t seek anything right now than just being alone, and occasionally going out with someone. That night when I went out with Alexis and she looked REALLY cute, I had a massive temptation to kiss her and to seal the deal of having her as my girl, but I resisted against it. I resisted against it because it was really feelings of the moment, and to not be able to carry out on these emotions post the night itself would have had disastrous consequences. I don’t want to really play with her like that, neither do I want to get into a relationship with her right now, mostly coz of the fact that I know she’s going to be going overseas to study not long from now. I can’t take another long distance relationship, not right now. I’m battered enough as it is.

Yeah. So that’s sort of on the love life front. To add to that, I’ve been hearing multitudes of stories of things with the T and needless to say, I’m highly amused by them. I don’t need to say anymore, because I know she’s watching somewhere, but I have a brief idea on what’s going on, and colour me intrigued.

On the technology front, the thing with NewEgg didn’t go through. They screwed up on their end, and as such, I cancelled the order and decided to take my money elsewhere. I guess it’s a sign of a lot of things. You know how I got myself a new laptop back then? To be honest, I think it was a terrible decision. A terrible decision that was aided by someone who really has too much money, and was with me back then, Chad. I still facepalm at the thought of WHY I bought that Sony laptop, when I myself wasn’t particularly satisfied with the laptop in itself. For gods sake, even at time of purchase, it had been a discontinued model, that wasn’t even shown on the display counters, yet I got pressured by Chad into getting it. Lame. I’m looking to undoing this mistake, and I’m selling the laptop while it’s still somewhat brand new (severely underused) and I’m looking to proclaim for myself a nice newer laptop that I’m a lot more happier with. I think that’s the way it was meant to be, but right now, I’m not allowing myself to go ahead with buying that laptop,  not until I really sell the old one. I have enough money in my bank to go ahead with any of these purchases, but the point is that I don’t want to have too much redundant things lying around. To add to that, I’m actually taking a lot of what I own here, and bringing them back to Australia to sell them in September.

Oh yes, I’m flying back to Australia in September, albeit only for a month. 23rd till the 24th of October. 1 Month in Australia, to sell these things off (market value is higher there) and not to mention try my best to apply for a PR this time around. To prepare for that, I have enrolled myself to sit for an IELTS exam, that I realised that I needed to have sat for in order to apply for PR, something that I was severely misled on in the beginning, and Aussie prices for IELTS exams were way too crazy for me. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m still a bit unsure about moving back to Australia. For starters, the economy there isn’t doing too well either, mostly on the Games industry side. In comparison, the industry in Malaysia, or because of it’s non-existence there off, is doing much better. Parents are also in Malaysia, and despite how much I may DESPISE staying with my parents (I’m very much a lone wolf), I still worry for their health and safety, especially when I’m so far away from home at times. I just like the option of being able to go back to Australia to work and stay when I can I guess. I hate being limited as it is. Terrible feeling. I also hate being pampered by family. It sucks and it doesn’t aid much in feeling grown up / independent.

Yesterday, I met up with someone who was interested in buying off my brother’s older pair of Shure IEMS (In ear Monitors). Since it was raining quite heavily, and having met him in Low Yat, and I needed to walk to KLCC after, I took up his offer of having lunch with him, and so I sat down and started chatting with him. After a while, it turned out that he himself was a member of the XDA Developers, and so I mentioned that I as well, was part of that community, and that I developed a few applications already in the forum. After naming them, it turns out that he uses those applications, and was really happy to have met me, so much that we started talking a lot more and in detail, and later he insisted on paying for my lunch haha. It’s always a really cool thing, and he seemed quite grateful to me for making this application. He even asked if we could meet up next week so that he could further buy me lunch AND dinner, and give me free drinks in Hard Rock cafe where he works hahaha. Turns out that this apps find themselves helpful in many other ways lol.

Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. Already one of my longer posts in a while.

 

Catch ya later blog.