Sudden spew of thoughts and words, but it's exactly what I needed.

 Part of me is like… disturbed at how at home I feel with them not here, like this is how it’s supposed to be, like me forgetting years of my life and just two people who should mean a lot to me, my wife and kid after all… it’s quite disturbing that I do feel this way that I’m so comfortable living the single life that I even “forget” that I’m a married man with a kid…

I mean… it’s not like I am interested in looking for someone else or something like that…. Far from it, I don’t really have interests in such a thing… I don’t know, maybe this is my mid life crisis you know? Maybe this is just what it feels like for me as I seemingly abandon family and try and get the things that I never really got before I had all of this…

But another part of me is like no, this has been the original goal all this time, as in to try and focus and hone down further on doing work, so this is just the natural progression of things.

Things like me wanting to not be at home as well, it’s something that I just have to remind myself that my intentions for doing it are not necessarily to just be by myself to somehow have my “alone time” but rather to also have a higher level of focus, without any interruptions, just like how I can be alone with my thoughts at night like this… except have it in the afternoon.

Like I try and tell myself that it’s okay that I’m going out during my Tuesdays and Fridays to meet with Wilson, have lunch, discuss stuff and just try and get some work done together. I don’t even know why I feel guilty about saying or thinking about such a thing, I mean, yes while it is some form of escape from home, it’s also a necessity isn’t it? Like how things are at the moment, the choices that I’ve settled on with Korea and Singapore and LevelUp KL, all of these things are the product of us meeting together and deciding these things, me getting that push to do it, so it’s not as if the meetings were just about us meeting together to fuck around…

The same can be said about me wanting to go to Serene to work even though Wilson isn’t there. All the more reason isn’t it? Like it’s just me alone there, nothing else to really do there except focus on work and trying to get things done whatever “thing” might be… it’s a good thing.

I guess for me, I just feel guilty in the sense that I don’t get to spend time with Rei and Christine and help out around in the house or just play with Rei whenever she looks for me? I think to me that’s really my guilt. It’s not so much of me going outside but just the feeling like I’m abandoning her to do all the things and neglecting parenting or something, but then again I also don’t usually come back all that late from these things anyway, I’m back by like 5pm sometimes maybe even earlier, and if I’ve satisfied myself by working sufficiently during the day, I’m less likely to try and squeeze more of it in the night so it should be a good thing, maybe even more quality time with them and my relationship with them might even improve…

Idk… maybe.

All I know is that it’s pretty strained at the moment, and that I have to keep telling myself that me doing this is a good thing; it’s a good thing and it’s something that will benefit all of us in the long run, in terms of finances and our relationship with one another etc.

After all, so many other husbands and fathers and what not don’t work from home but rather work in an office at least pre-pandemic times, so how is this any different? The only difference for me then is that my time to head over is semi flexible in that sense, and that unlike majority of these people who have not experienced work from home before, I’ve experienced too much of it to know the drawbacks of it, to understand even things like yes, while my home desktop PC has everything I need there for me to do work, it also has everything there to distract me, like instant access to shows and movies on my NAS, games, free flow of fast internet… The other things on my desktop that call out to me whenever I know I should be focusing on something else…. Then of course if it’s not that, it’s the distraction of needing to take care of Rei (as much as I love her, I really do feel like I need my time away from her for a few hours at least to focus) and helping Christine with even the most mundane of tasks around the house, because as I’ve sent it to her before as well, even the smallest things Is easily capable of derailing my train of thought; I’m already someone who is struggling to find that focus to do work, and all of that just really adds to the list of distractions that I get at home.

So no, I don’t think I’m crazy, I don’t think that I’m being unreasonable, I think that I’m being pretty fair and based with these conclusions of mine and the decisions that I’m making.

Heck, I’m even still quite disappointed in the progress that I’m making with Jackals… Seriously, I feel like I’m letting him down by not moving as fast as I can on that one and it really makes me feel like shit.

Yes, he’s helping me out by working on GenDice by himself pretty much fofr now, but I need to do my part as well, as the whole operation really does depend on my progress and my actions from day to day.

Time is running out and if I don’t take finishing any of this seriously, all this planning that we’re doing now will be for naught, he may even lose his trust in me by then and everything will fall apart, so everything that will happen in the future kinda really does hinge on what happens and what I do in the next few months; that’s how crucial it is and perhaps this is why I’ve gone and decided on doing what I’m doing now subconsciously…

Like yes, I know that I’ve not really been asking or contacting them these past few days, but can you really blame me? I’m really trying to juggle a lot of things here and handle a lot of things here, and yes I’m not the best at it, there’s still a lot of it left undone, but I seriously am trying my best while trying not to drive myself insane or drink myself to death to cope with all of this.

Man it really does feel good to write once again like this. I really miss having a laptop that I can really pour my feelings and my thoughts into like this, and I mean that’s the other thing as well right, on that idea of like focus and putting yourself in a position to even get things done; For me even getting down to writing down my thoughts like this, really nothing beats having a laptop that I can place on my lap like this in bed and just transcribe my thoughts into words on screen like this. Yes, it’s something that I most definitely can do on the computer as well, but just having the laptop like this, puts me in the zone, puts me in a state of focus and allows me to really get in touch with my thoughts and feelings, no distractions.

This was just supposed to be some light writing in Microsoft word to just temporarily get my thoughts out, but it turned out to be something much much bigger, it’s already worthy of a blog post lol so I’m most definitely gonna end up posting this one.

It really isn’t easy, I feel like I have to defend myself along the way, and yes, I do make bad decisions or there are plenty of things that I should be instead doing blah blah blah, but bear with me, I’m trying to be a better parent, human, partner, father, boss, son, friend, entrepreneur all at the same time and it really isn’t that easy, and I’m definitely learning along the way.

it comes again, like clockwork.

 It’s really not the easiest to explain right now but I really do feel like I’m going through some sort of depression.

I get demotivated easily, I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t want to wake up, I sort of look forward yet dread the days that come, I find myself living more or less day by day.

I get it that my life really isn’t all that bad, there’s plenty of things around me that I can be happy for and just be contented with, but the reality is that it really isn’t like that.

I find myself just wanting to stuff myself with food, to make myself feel better, or failing that just take enough alcohol so that I forget that I even feel like shit to begin with.

I am logical enough to be able to really discern and decipher these kinds of feelings, but knowing it still doesn’t change the fact that I have it or feel this way.

Maybe I’m lacking some sense of completion in my life you know? I’m just like... Trying and waiting for something good to happen, and I guess that the Thai stuff is going to happen, but I can’t help but feel extremely insecure about it.

It really isn’t easy. It’s easier to feel shit than to feel good and secure and contented with a lot of things; Like how I feel like the people around me are earning a lot more than I do, that I can’t really provide with my family, yet all I mostly do from day to day is just wake up and feel like a disappointment, play games to try and feel better about things, but to no obvious extent, just feel shit about myself because I don’t really achieve anything by playing games to the level that I do.

I mean part of that copium as it were is also just doing Youtube I guess, and while I feel good when making the content, just the amount of viewership that I get just is really disappointing because it just feels as if I’ve wasted my time on this you know? I get it that there are things that I am better off doing though, I get it.

Maybe I should just step away from that YouTube stuff for a bit, just finish like what I have in the pipeline for the most part then just go on a bit of a disappearance, because I mean in the end, who really watches my content anyway and is it even worthwhile producing? I’m not even sure anymore.

I think that part of the shopping spree that I’ve been having recently is also part of that; You know, that satisfaction that comes from receiving new stuff to play with, just that little bit of transient happiness and satisfaction... Maybe that’s really what it is. What I’m really doing right now is trying to get as many of those little happiness moments into my life so as to just mask out the larger sadness and disappointments that I have.

That’s not to say that they’re even difficult to solve, on the contrary, I think that they’re relatively easy to solve, the only problem really being that they’re highly dependent on my mood and creative skills which is at an all time low right now and yeah that really sucks.

Right now I’m just contemplating on the right thing to do to be honest. The thing about me and alcohol consumption, at least right now the way I’m thinking is that it has a higher tendency to silence my emotional side and just accentuate my logical side.

My biggest decision now is as to whether I do decide to get a laptop under personal funds to make it such that I am able to do work outside of the house or not. I think that will help me if I was able to exit every now and again without feeling guilty about it, but as to whether I do decide for or against it or not is in the air right now.

Man, having two really different sides to me is really tough, and also extremely annoying that it takes alcohol to silence that emotional side of me and just go with logic...

Ah. It's control... or rather lack of it.

 I think that I have somewhat figured it out... at least to an extent... I am someone who thrives on at least a little bit of control and lately... I think I feel like my life is just spiraling out of control, like I'm just not in control of things anymore.

I think that a lot of this has to do with being a family man tbh. Not saying that it's a bad thing, I wouldn't have it any other way, but being a family man means that I have less and less time for myself to complete and do things, and this... this has just meant that I haven't been able to do or complete the tasks and projects that I set to myself, and I think that it's somewhat reached the point at which I'm really taking in more and more things than I can handle, because they're really not getting completed fast enough.

Like I can walk by the house, and I just get distracted so easily with other things to do every few minutes or even seconds tbh. Like oh yeah I wanted to do this, oh supposed to do that, oh supposed to complete this, and there's just been so much of this and just me struggling to complete them so that I  slowly clear my mountain of things, but I think that I'm just getting buried underneath it a little, and it's definitely taking a mental toll on me.

This ADHD almost behaviour that I've taken adapted has made me quite forgetful and absent minded at time, or just lack the focus to complete or do things to the end, because my mind is just racing all over the place, trying to multi task and do all the things and just getting lost in it.

It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety not going to lie and it's some thing that I really need to learn to take control over, sooner rather than later.

Like even right now, I don't even want to start to think about the things that I have to do/ want to do. I think Just trying it right just now for a few seconds has made me feel my stress and anxiety increase, some thing that I don't want to happen right now because I'm enjoying the relaxing nature of just letting it all out and talking about it but not really thinking about it.I know that a lot of thigs is really my fault, and it's just the nature of who I am, but yeah, I have to figure out how to resolve this.

I think that the best thing that I can do right now is really try my best to write it all down, down to the little-est thing. At least if I really try my best to REALLY list it all down and complete it, I might not feel so overwhelmed, as I can see the tasks ahead right in front of me and can choose the order in which I want to tackle them.

Perhaps then will I start my journey back to getting some inner peace; something I really haven't had in a while.

A jumbled mess of thoughts, ideas and me.

 It’s been a hot minute since I’ve really sat down and written anything. Wow I’m really not used to linears... These feel very weird for me... Kinda makes me want to try something else on these.... They’re almost too quiet you know what I mean? Anyway... Yeah. Man... I can write like really standard cheesy stuff like how life is really... I don’t know, busy for me right now, but I think that’s kinda the truth? Or at least my head hasn’t really been able to calm down and settle on a single thought for a very long while, and that has kinda... Taken a toll on me almost. Like prior to all of this, I think that I was much better at being focused and just barreling down on my thoughts and ideas and just working on them \

Today is not too bad though. Today has been... Not too bad for my mental state of mind. I find myself a lot calmer and a lot more composed today, maybe because I finally got back into a little bit of programming, and enjoyed myself with a bit of that you know what I mean? Like it’s a little bit of that semblance of normalcy that I used to have those months ago.

That said though, I can’t help but feel that I’m still kinda mentally bogged down with like a million and one things to do, like my head is extremely busy, like I’m constantly forgetting to do something between my bouts of fatigue and trying to clear the things that I’m forgetting.

Part of it is perhaps just me picking up little things here and there non stop and just... Bogging myself down with it I guess. I think that the physical state that my workspace has been in is a part of this as well. Messy workspace seems to have this kind of passive agitation effect on me almost, even though I have mostly learned to live with it.

Things I am trying to do/ have to do ranges from like selling stuff, repairing stuff, FILMING myself repairing stuff, making content for YouTube, 3D print some stuff to repair stuff, 3D MODEL PARTS TO REPAIR STUFF, Deal with my work obligations like development and just progression of the company, making sure that we have enough money from month to month, year to year, trying to secure ourselves enough jobs to stay afloat, working on our game so that we can finally do what we formed the company to do all this while....

I mean that’s just part of the stuff that I remember, and between a lot of all these, there’s still a lot in which I have to go into and expand on them, it just feels like this giant.... Tangled... Mess of wires and what not, like that feeling when you look at a mess of jumbled wires, and you’re trying to slowly unravel it to actually have something usable in the end; my brain very much feels like that at the moment.

I even forgot to greet my blog a happy 2023 ahahaha. I guess that the good part from all of this is that I at least still get some of that weight and anxiety lifted off when I write like this, just... Writing whatever is on my mind and trying to just sort it all out...

Yeah... So much shit to deal with to be honest... But I’ll try my best. That’s all I’ve ever been doing, trying to be the best version of me, but perhaps, I have too much of an expectation from the best version of me, I don’t know.

All I know is, right now I’m tired, and perhaps I should take an earlier night tonight; I’ve been told that I’ve been snoring recently as well, which is something I only really do when I’m exhausted. Maybe I am.