Terrible recollection

Hello blog :) Seems like she’s back from Ghana already, and nice and safe and sound as well :D At least that puts my heart into a little bit more ease, and I don’t have to worry too much… hahaha :P I still worry of course, but to a bare minimum this time around :D Still, it’s nice to see that she learnt a lot from her experiences in Ghana, I look forward to picture uploads from her hehe

Funniest thing the other day, one of my facebook friends posted on my wall, and while it was cool the content and stuff, I didn’t quite recognize who he was, Shaun Sandu. I started to look at mutual friends, and saw that he was friends with like… her and a few others we both know as well, and I had to think really hard, until it hit me that he was the guy at Wern Sheng’s party who was in a suite and spoke very refined almost hahah :D I have terrible recollection of what happened in London TBH, in fact, the whole Euro Trip in general. Part of me doesn’t feel like I’ve really done it, though if given a chance, I don’t think I’ll do it again. Costly for one, another not really as I imagined it to be I suppose. I had high expectations :|

Anyway, it sort of runs onto that line again, of her friends contacting me instead of me contacting them, in the case of Shaun as well, whom I really know nothing too substantial about, who comes and post stuff on my wall hahaha (for a moment there I thought he was one of the friends I made in UniSA xD oh dear.) hahha. Hey, I can’t help it if they contact me instead of the other way around right? :P Pfft. I’ll have things my way TYVM! ho! XD

Anyway, I’m done with all my animations, and I’ve given him the scenes already, hopefully that’s enough for him, as I don’t think he really has time to do the other stuff, as do I, as I was rushing a lot of this out for him anyway :| meh. Means that at least I can do some of my own work now again, without being bogged down to silly time constraints. Yay freedom :D

So yeah, I’m off for now again. Listen to that song I posted below, it’s great <3 hahaha since she’s back in UK… then it’s only about 8am there :o Mwah mwah mwah… Good morning :) Kisses loves and hugs :D I understand you’re heading back to Malaysia on the 2nd or 3rd, have a safe trip then :) kisses… Love you so much :) and good mornings again :D

 

 

hamster off and out

If you’re torn then I'll be torn with you, If you fall then I'll fall right by your side

When in doubt, look to me, you’re the only one that’s standing in your way
Block the sun, losing hope, isolate yourself and push the light away

When alone, you find yourself searching places that you’ve never been before
Close your eyes, picture us somewhere perfect where the sunlight won’t fade away

If you’re torn then I'll be torn with you
If you fall then I'll fall right by your side
If you’re done and you’re losing sight
And you’re lost then I’ll guide you back into the light

When the night comes round, all stars will stay
Every step you take, will speak, remain
When the sun fades out, I’ll stay awake
I’ll be coming home, I’ll be coming home

I’ll be coming home, I’ll be coming home
I’ll be coming home, I’ll be coming home

When the stars are gone and the lights are out, I'll sing for you
When there’s no one else and you’re losing hope, I'll see you through
When the doors are closed and there’s no way out, I'll lead you to
A place you’ll know, a place called home

You turn me inside out, you and you only

You touch me

Your sky
Is mine
I walk beneath it
Not alone

When I
Call your name
You always answer

And every time I
Begin to doubt you
You give me more love

No hesitation
You come to me when
My heart is beating
So hard I can not breathe

No one
On earth
Could ever make me
Make me feel
So loved
So complete
You and you only

The only answer
To every reason
That I can dream of
The one solution
To every problem
That makes me crazy
That turns me inside out.

The last time we touched
The last time you held me
I was a soul in your hand

The last time we touched
The last time you held me
My life had only begun

The last time we met
And I could see you clearly
My eyes were not opened up

The last time we met
The last time I held you
I could
See you
Clearly

And this is all I need

The last time we met
And I could see you clearly
My eyes were not opened up

The last time we met
The last time I held you
I could
See you
Clearly

I could
See you
Clearly

The last time we touched
The last time you held me
I was a soul in your hand

The last time we met
And I could see you clearly

You touch me

Reminiscent

Had farewell dinner for Wilson today. Shame to see him off, as he enjoyed spending time with me, as I did with him as well. It’s a shame, but he needs to get himself back to Malaysia anyway, that’s pretty much where he belongs, not here, in Melbourne. Joyce needs him, and not another long distance relationship.

While walking on the way back today, I got taken a back for a short moment. I thought I saw her here in Melbourne, but of course, it was someone else, wrapped in the arms of someone else. Even though I know it’s not her, somehow that was enough to throw me off just a little, even after I realised it as such. It was kinda… painful I guess, if you wanna put it that way. I understand that me being in this position, makes me vulnerable to stupid things like this, but again I ask myself, would I trade it off, would I abandon my love for her because it causes me stupid shit like this? Answer is still a downright no. I still see no reason to do so after all, it’s merely a brain fuck to the most part, and one that I made for myself at that, nothing so much as to do with her as an individual and her active choices at the time. hmm.

On to the other side of things, I know that she said not to contact her friends, or to get to ‘chummy’ with them, but what happens if it’s the other way around indeed. What really does happen hmm. When I do nothing of the sort to attract their personal attention per se, but they just seek to entertain me with whatever they have up, what happens then indeed. The whole system is just broken then isn’t it? Not all of her friends certainly feel that way, that it is weird having me comment on their statuses and what not, and others just see me as who I am, and enjoy my company for just that. To be honest, I like it that way. I feel a little insulted when they don’t want to talk to me just because I’m her ex and things like that. It didn’t even end badly per se as well, so what’s the fuss? Some formality around it I don’t quite grasp and understand I suppose. I enjoy her friends’ company regardless, it’s just a matter now of who it was that told her to tell me off, and a matter of just cutting the volume of comms with them. After all, if they don’t want it, and if they view me like that, sure, okay, whatever. I can tell you that not a single fuck is given. nop. No offense to anyone, but I don’t take treatment like that. My self respect goes a lot further than that, to the surprise of many then.

I have to try and finish this assets for the film by tomorrow, I am trying my best at it anyway. I’ll probably be having little sleep today, but I don’t think I really care at this point, I’d rather have it done and over with than to drag it on any further >_> If staying up and being really sleep deprived is what it takes, then so be it. >_>

I ended up spending the last 30 minutes sorting through photos and settings them up and renaming them based on their date and time taken… And I eventually ran into the photographs of me and Tze Ni together, in the various places that we have been. I gotta say that I still look forward to more of these moments in the future. Going through them, albeit briefly, made me smile a little, of course, a little sad on the inside, but more smiles than that. :) I still want that future so much, and I shall get it. I love this girl after all, and the only time you’d give up is only when you know it’s impossible, in this case, as long as it’s not 0%, I’m all for it :) hahahaha. It’s a testimony perhaps to how much I love her and how far I am willing to go then for her, for us. Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs baby, I love you so much :) Keep safe and keep healthy in Ghana. I love you so much :) Nice pictures btw hahaha :P Kisses. Love you so much, REALLY, SO MUCH. :D *kisses and hugs* LOVE YOU.

 

 

 

hamster off and out.

After all, who the hell do you think I am ;)

On my bed now, figured that I'd do a little writing because I want to anyway. I haven't really written in in a while, and I feel that I should in that sense. For myself of course, for no one else.

I saw her online today, even if for a short while, and even if we didn't talk, I still feel happy, because at least I know that she's okay where she is. I saw a few pictures of her in Ghana as well, where her friends uploaded and tagged photos of her. It really helps to put my soul at ease in that sense, because I know she's safe, but a part of me feels really sad. It feels sad because it feels like we're really drifting apart from each other, into our own different worlds. Sad, I suppose, but not discouraged.

Even if the chances of us getting back together is less than 1%, that's still a number, and to me, it's as good as a 100%. Just take it that I'm terrible at giving up hahaha. To me, I suppose, this is really what it means to be a man, and a hot blooded one at that. You give up for nothing, stand down to no one, and pursue your dreams to the end of the universe, until you realise them. That's what it means to be alive after all, to go beyond even that of which you think you can be.

We may end up in different worlds, we may be two different people, we may have our own difference with nothing in common with each other, but even then, for me at least, that's even more reason as to why I want to know her better, why I want to spend more time with her, why I want to explore this world of hers. The differences do not drive me away, they pull me closer towards her, drawing me nearer.

I'm a foolish guy in that sense, but what's the point in living if you're not foolish at least once or about something right. For someone who is eternally driven by logic, deep though and conclusions, she's the only person I will be foolish about, the only one, even now, where I can't think properly or even speak properly at times, because she just has that effect on me. I stutter and I get flustered, but that has never ever been any reason to give up on her or anything for that matter anyway. In order for me to realise this future, I move forward towards it every day, even if it's the slightest steps, hahaha.

I also gave myself a little bit more thought into it, and probed myself a little and feelings at the moment now, as illogical and strange as they may be, tell me that I really want no other girl, and I think my actions of late have a lot to prove to that anyway. I want no one else but her, and it may sound crazy now, yes, but this is my blog anyway, so I'm allowed to be crazy and silly, but I'd really rather be a bachelor instead than to end up with anyone else. To be with someone you don't love just sounds stupid to me, so I want to be with no one else but her :)

As I sit here on my bed writing this up, those are the only thoughts running through my head at the moment. Life, at the moment, is not easy for me. I am under a fair bit of pressure and stress, from peer pressure, from parental pressure and of course from self pressure. I think through it all self pressure is the one where it's at. Even then, I do not feel broken, and I don't feel like giving up, to anything, ever. Perhaps then maybe it's fair to say that I'm one of those people who do really well under pressure? hahaha I don't think you would be wrong with that :)

Anyway, pressured as I may be, I am going to have to try and get back to work regime now. I have spent long enough time wasted away, and I was downed pretty much for the most of the day, until I started writing this up anyway. It always feels so much better, and my heart feels so much lighter after having blogged out my feelings and you know... thought and hopes and dreams, even if they may sound the same and repetitive from time to time. They may sound like that, but That's the nature of dreams and hopes isn't it? they're persistent, they do not disappear, they're powerful and you never give up on them. You should then be more concerned if my hopes and dreams and aspirations as well as loves changes each and every time I blogged onto here hahaha. But this is alas my nature after all; I perhaps can class myself as a loyal and stable guy, perhaps a little self praise if you consider it as such :P

Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs Tze Ni :) Remember to always be safe there okay? Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and just... you know, be sensible and stuff. I look forward to hearing from you again after, when you're back from Ghana. Mwah. I love you so much :) Have a good remaining day (or night, I'm not familiar with the time zone there), I love you so much :) *hugs*

hamster off and out

CG for Film

Haven't really written mobile in a while. Just felt like it, starting again today. To be honest, through the day I wanted to write in a couple of times, mostly because the miss got pretty heavy and intense, and well... I wanted to write it in to get it off my chest, but as I found other things to do at the time, I kept myself busy and preoccupied, and the feeling kinda faded a little bit from there... Still doesn't change that I miss her though, and I think so much these days of the future between us, and what could be, and get really excited about it. I really am :)

Going to head out tomorrow relatively early in the morning to meet with Bree. We're having lunch, and then hanging around a bit maybe. Lucas should be coming as well, hopefully he does, if not it'll just be me and Bree, and once again it'll feel like a date, which it's not >_> hahaha. Even if it was I have really got no other girl I have feelings for except for Tze Ni anyway... >_> Not sure how susceptible to change that is, but I don't think it's that easy... I'm quite a loyal guy in that sense after all .-. hahaha... ha...

I've been a bit busy these days, not really with anything important though... But I'm helping a friend make some 3D assets for a film he's making, in that sense, very different from what I'm used to doing. I'm used to making 3D Assets for games you see, and film... Is really on another level in terms of what's needed and what works. I'm not sure if I can meet up to that expectation, but I'm trying. At this rate though, he's really got not much time left, and what it is I'm making is almost last minute and icing to the cake anyway, so I think it should be okay in that sense.... Not like it's going to be epic CG and stuff right...

Anyway, I may have to head off to bed soon, I'm feeling sleepy anyway, so why not right ._. I'm meant to be sleeping early, and I want to get up about 6 hours from now anyway. Trying to regulate myself back in that sense, we'll see how that goes >_> So yeah, for now I'm off and going to go to sleep...

Mwah... Kisses loves and hugs baby... Hope you're doing fine there in Ghana. I'm really trying not to worry too much, and I guess it's working... kinda... So yeah... I hope you're doing well and... being of use there >_< I hope to hear from you again soon when you're back... I love you so much, so so so very much baby... Mwah... *kiss* *hugs* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TZE NI :( Be Safe okay baby? Nights.

hamster off and out

Matter of the Unknown

Hmmm…. One of my mini moments. I have them, so don’t be too surprised. Thinking about her, and missing her, as well as thinking about things between us, and thinking about me. Thoughts of me, and what it means to be me, and why I do the things that I do. I don’t really have any answers for either.

I remember back when we first started dating, I used to sing this Nat King Cole song to her all her time, most prominently when she got angry at me… well, when she found out about the ‘c’ and I sat outside her unit for a while, more than a while, because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t want her to think that I got into a relationship with her just for that. I didn’t want to be taken the wrong way, rather be called stupid than a jerk I suppose.

“When I fall in Love”. The name of the song that I sang, and I sang it because it rang true to me, and still does, 2 years later. “When I fall in love, it will be forever, or I’ll never fall, in love”. I suppose that while forever remains to be unseen at this point, when I do love someone though, it’s for a very long time, despite what may happen in between us. I suppose if you want to compare things with me and Osheenn and consider that as love, then I’ll have to say that it’s really more of respect now. I’m not even sure if I loved her like that to begin with, or if I was actually just attracted to the idea of someone being nice to me, and helped me shape and change myself to who I am now. I feel a little in debt I suppose, if anything. If that wasn’t love though, then I suppose that you can consider Tze Ni to be the first girl I ever really fell in love with, and I think that you wouldn’t be wrong. Even in the event that you consider that I did love Osheenn, Tze Ni is probably the first girl that I really fell in love with. I suppose at every point now it sounds almost like I’m convincing myself, but I don’t believe it to be the case, I always speak my mind anyway, and what I’m writing here is no different.

It leaves a lot of questions then, especially ones for me. For starters then, perhaps it’s more apparent what kind of guy I am. It’s a bit more apparent that I’m serious with my relationships, that I don’t take them lightly, that I consider and think of them a lot more further out and deeper than most guys I would think. If you’d then like to consider that I never really loved romantically Osheenn that way, and that I managed to still love her for 3 years, for me now then, someone who loves Tze Ni romantically and a lot at that… I wonder how long it would go for, or whether if left alone if the feeling would ever die out if ever. I don’t know actually, and I don’t speculate too much on it, but I’m at least thankful that it’s not the case, that really there’s only about 1 year and 11 months or so between us now, a bit more than that, sure, but the fact that it’s moving is a good enough thing for me, and 1 year and 11 months to me really isn’t a long while.

It leads me to question a lot more about myself, whether I’m blindly doing something because I refuse to let go. If I think of myself objectively, then I don’t know. On one hand, it could be my stubbornness in effect, though on the other, it could be the nature of love in it’s entirety. Regardless, I contemplate and I question it. The thing is that I wonder if I’m making a mistake or the right decision. The problem with that is that of course, I won’t really know the answer to that till the very end, but obviously I’d like to think that more than doing the right thing, I’m doing what I really want. The current situation as it is, can be equated to that of Schrödinger's cat.

For those familiar with it, you should know what this entails, but for those who don’t I’ll run it by briefly. Schrodinger’s cat is the name of an experiment conducted by Erwin Schrodinger, more of a philosophical experiment more than anything. A cat, was put into a box where no one would know it’s condition or what it’s doing prior to opening the box I suppose. A vial of poison is then injected into the box at a random given time, that will kill the cat. Because we don’t know the situation of the cat and or whether the vial of poison has been injected, prior to opening, we can assume the cat as being both alive and dead at the same time. The morals of the experiment aside, we take away quite an interesting thought process and philosophy from this, that can be interpreted in the more laymen form, ‘You’ll never know if you never try’.

Equating this to my current situation at the moment, the situation between me and Tze Ni now, can be considered as both Good and Bad, neither of which would be considered incorrect. It is only then by ‘opening the box’, or in this case, seeing things through to the end, will you ever really know what it ever was, whether good, where we end up together again, get married, have family, live happily ever after etc etc, or the bad, held out for each other, only to realise at the end that we were really two really different people and that getting back together is kinda pointless at it would have been without future etc etc. Now, obviously we all know my stance within this then, that I will see it through to the end, in the hopes that of course, it turns out good, but I can’t discount the fact that it may turn out bad as well. Still, even the slightest chance of good then, is enough to entice me onwards and relentlessly on this enterprise.

We may not be very similar people, we may have jobs and career paths that may be too different from each other, we may have our differences, but where we meet, is a really strong bond I feel, and so what if we have our differences? I like that to be honest. I like it when you’re different to your partner, not a carbon copy clone of each other. I learn more about her career as I go along, and learn to respect and appreciate what she does, and I get to thrive with her in the things we both like. I have undoubtedly really enjoyed my time with her, and nothing really, ever compares to that. Finding someone that is really similar to you is over-rated to be honest. I believe more in Chemistry, and attraction to the soul, rather than heated love or anything along the lines of so. I really loved being around her, I really love the company she brought me, I loved every single bit of what she meant to me as a person, and her uniqueness as of such as well. I really wouldn’t trade her off for anyone else.

Sigh. I miss her so much right now. I love her so much and miss her so much. Teddy makes it slightly easier for me, but it’s still there, doesn’t exactly disappear either >_> I miss her ._. I really can’t imagine how the future or things will be like without her, because… well… I really want her in them as well I suppose. I hope she’s doing fine there now, and that she’s all safe and stuff… I really do.

Anyway, I’m gonna head off to make myself some lunch, then I’ll clean up and start selling all this stuff that has begun to pile up in my house (for the purpose of selling of course). Mwah… Kisses loves and hugs baby, I love you so much… I miss you so much… I wanna hold you so much and I want to whisper into your ear the words… I love you so much. Stay safe wherever you are. Just remember that I love you. Kisses.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Uneasy

Bit of random writing here and there, not much reason as to why, if not to update my blog on how I’m going and things like that… Okay fine, maybe a little reason as to why I’m writing in, but nothing too out of the ordinary anyway. We’ll begin by of course proceedings of the day. I shaved my head bald lol. XD I am now… hairless. Hair was getting too long and in the way, so yeah, I felt like doing it XD

I also just came off a Skype convo with my parents and they talked a little about Tze Ni as well, in regards to how we’re doing and things like that, and yeah, I just said that I’m giving her her space and trying to be as unobtrusive as I can. Truth anyway, nothing much else to it.

I think I’ll come out clearly as to why I’m writing in now. I don’t know why, but I feel uneasy in my heart. I feel this… terrible sense within me, as if something is really not right somewhere, and it bothers me, it bothers me and makes me slightly unhappy. I don’t want to think much into it, but it’s there and I have to do things to try and get it out of my head. I dread to think that maybe it has something to do with Tze Ni and her being in Ghana. I will not think too much into that, I believe that she’ll come back fine and alright. She will. She has to. I don’t care, she just has to.

This uneasiness doesn’t seem to go away. I don’t know what it is, and it bothers me. This afternoon in itself, I have been thinking a lot about her and missing her, seeing her in the little bits and things that I did through my day. Normal in that sense, but somehow the current situation now… feels a bit weird. I don’t know why, but I just feel really uneasy. I wish, I honestly wish I could pinpoint on it, but lately I have been having this feeling as well.

My appetite is not really big, I feel a bit on the lethargic side, I am missing her, but though this may almost sound normal in any case, I don’t know, something about it just doesn’t sit right. My heart feels… weird. Like that kind of weird where you know something is happening but you don’t quite know what… fuck I don’t know. Maybe I’ll grab myself a bit of whiskey and just see how that goes from there. I’ll be off for now then. It’s bugging me.

Good Night Tze Ni… Kisses loves and hugs from me to you, no matter which part of the world you’re in. I love you so much, and really, take care of yourself. Don’t let anything happen to you, ever, and don’t go inviting trouble, please. I love you, so please come back safe, and unharmed and without incident… You really make me worry about you so much, because I know you’re a bit on the reckless side as well, and it… It bothers me a little bit… Sigh. I know you’ll come back fine. I know it’ll all be okay. I know so. It has to be so. Good Night, Sweet Dreams and Sleep Tight baby, I love you so much…No matter how far we are, no matter where you are… Night.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Clean Teddy is a Happy Teddy

More than 12 hours since I first set out to get some house cleaning done, but nothing really has been done yet. Brilliance. I wanted to clean the kitchen and sell some stuff today. Okay, to be fair, I DID manage to sell my 500GB hard drive today, albeit just to Chad, but it’s selling anyway, so get off my case right? I still plan to do those after I write in anyway, so not all is lost.

I washed the teddy bear today. Nothing much to add today, pretty much just wanted to say that. He smells good now. hahaha <3 Hugging him is so… satisfying, and I enjoy it very much. I think it’s because it’s the representation of an idea, and idea that makes me happy. The idea of course, that we have that chance to be together once again, in the future. Of course, it needs patience, but I’m an extremely patient man, even she knows this all too well. I just have to do what I do best I suppose :)

Pretty much that’s about it though, that’s all I pretty much wanted to write in XD I’m happy coz I washed the teddy and he smells good hehe. I’m easily pleased. Oh! Also, I washed my pillowcases :3 I look forward to burying myself in them tonight :3 I suppose one of those other things that make me happy :D I’ll wash my quilt covers tomorrow morning I think, I want to give them an intense wash cycle, and use some of that high quality washing powder, see if I can get them nicely cleaned and smelling brilliant * w * I’m a weirdo lol. I like the smell of clean clothes, clean stuff and… general cleanliness XD Messy is not synonymous with clean though, so don’t get that mistakened.

Anyway, I’m off. I may not write much in these days, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still miss her so very very much even when I don’t write in. After all, I don’t always have to be too vocal about it right? I’ll have you know that I do occasionally kiss the photos of us together as well :P Just that I don’t write that in hahaha. I swear, my reputation would go down the drain if anyone read this :| hahaha ><

Mwah mwah… I hope you’re safe there in Ghana baby :) I love you so very very much… Take care kay? Come back safe. I still want to marry you after all and have an awesome life and future with you :D Kisses loves and hugs… good night and sweet dreams, whatever time it’s there now :| Mwah. I love you.

 

 

hamster off and out

Kakak

Hi Kakak,

I write this up today, because today is actually your death anniversary, from one year ago. I write this in even though you may not know me, I write this in even though you may not have met me before, I write this in because... Because I want to pay my respects to you and to ask you for a few things as well.

I hope that you're doing fine where you are now, with nothing to worry about, living happy and carefree. Even though you may not know me and I you, I write this in because I know that Tze Ni loves you, and that you loved her too, right up until the end. She's fine by the way. She's currently in Ghana now, doing almost charity works of sorts, helping the people there. Typical of her almost isn't it? She's a good girl though. I hope that you help to keep her safe as well.

A lot of things have happened since the first time I wrote to you as well on this blog Kakak. For starters, me and Tze Ni are not together anymore. A few months after she left for the UK, not even, a few weeks, I thought that it was the best option for us to break up as a couple. Not that I didn't love her Kakak, but because I did and I didn't want to see her suffer or be sad. I talked it over with her then, and yeah... we went our own separate ways since then. I still love her though Kakak, and I still want to marry her, and all I've done I've done for her happiness. If the time comes that we do get together back again in the future, for longer and for our own future, then I hope you can still give us your blessing. It would mean a lot to her, and I know that. In the event though that we don't I'd still like for you to help look out and over her from heaven, and just make sure that she's okay.

I guess that I have been converging towards that second topic almost here, in that I am writing this in to you, as a piece for you, because she's in Ghana now. Kakak, wherever you are now, I want you to help me to look out after Tze Ni as well okay? It's difficult for me to do anything here, and well... because I'm physically here as well. I can't really teleport myself or something to her if ever anything happens, or if she needs my help, so I'd very much like if you helped me to look out after her as well... Though on asking this, I am pretty sure that you do already. I know that Tze Ni meant a lot to you, I'm sure that you already do look out for her and are taking care of her with every passing day... I feel silly then.

I suppose that all I have left to say for you here is that... well... I really still intend to love and look after Tze Ni, Kakak. I still love her a lot, and one day, I'd like to come with her to where you are now, in Indonesia, and pay my respects to you in ways I only know how to. It's really a pity and a shame that I didn't get to meet you. I really heard so much about you and... about how much Tze Ni loved you. I really would have like to have met you, I really would have liked for you to be there in the event that me and Tze Ni got married, but above all else Kakak, I really would have loved it if you were still around for her.

Regardless, it has been a year since then, and I hope you're doing fine. Don't worry too much I guess, I'll do my best to help take care of her as well, but for the most part, well, this part, where I have no control over, I'd very much like it if you could help look out and after her okay? Thank you so much... And... I suppose I'm sorry if I cause you inconvenience... Above all else, I really wish you were still here for her.

Kakak, out of sight, but never out of mind right? You have my respects as well, and I just want you to know that we'll never forget you and for what you have done. You will be sorely missed. I'm pretty sure she does already.

hamster off and out. How so much changes within 1 year.

Other Girls

I haven't really written in in a while. Not really because I don't want to, but mostly because I get too tired and too lazy to do so. mostly because of lazy, but the tired is pretty up there in terms of reasons as well. As we speak, I am writing this from my bed, from my tablet, because even then, I didn't feel like wanting to sit down on my machine and you know... typing this all up >_> I'd rather lay on the bed and do so, and this is exactly what's going on now.

So what's been going on you may ask? Well, in that sense, a few things have/ has happened already, though not too game changing, still interesting to write about. For starters, lets get off something not so interesting in that sense hahaha. Yesterday (or was it the day before now) I experienced my first earthquake :o it wasn't really quakey per se, it just... felt... like... being in a part of Jello lol. I was with Chad at the time, in my room, and for a moment there we both thought that each other was shaking their legs or something, and causing the irritating wobble, but then we stopped and realised that the wobble was kinda... too big to be just the both of us shaking our legs lol. It ended as soon as it came though, and really, it seems as if it it got a bit more... intense the further away from the city it went, where it was quite something back where Chad lives. hmmm. Oh well, now you can call me an earthquake survivor ahahah XD

Jocelyn has also left off back to Malaysia already, yesterday to be precise. It wasn't much sad face per se, but I did enjoy my time with her however brief it really might have been. The last day though, a lot of what happened between me, her and Wilson really deeply reminded me of Tze Ni, and I ended up missing her quite a lot that day... well... yesterday. I'm still keeping myself strong and resolute though, as I said, I don't intend on giving up on her anytime soon. I love that girl, and one day, I want to turn this love into something more, something a lot more powerful and solid, and something that can last us that forever. I love her really enough to marry her, and spend that lifetime with her. All this time away from her and separation and even the hardship hasn't really changed any of this. >_> I suppose that you can say that I'm really in love with this girl... really. ><

On that note as well, I met up with Yi Ann today. She was around Melbourne, I felt it only as the normal non optional social convention to meet up with her and just do a small catch up session. Upon meeting up with her, she was the first to recognize me, as I didn't recognize her at all. I can't say that she has gotten better, but she's not what I remembered her to be in that sense, and I mean that in a bad way almost. She looks more worst for wear, and that while in the past, back in PDL, I did consider her beautiful and stuff, she's completely the opposite to me now, I have not a single shred of attraction for her, and I don't just mean personality wise >_> Good thing I suppose. She was supposed to meet with me with her friend as well, but somehow, her friend bailed on her, so yeah, it was just me and her alone -.- bah. She wasn't too shy to bring up the topics involving me and Tze Ni as well, I can tell that this girl probably still has something for me, and I don't think I like that. Not that it's a problem, but I don't know if it's such a good thing for her, because she'll never ever have me. Ever. For that matter of fact, I'm already sold to Tze Ni anyway >_> hahhahaha. After our quick lunch then where I tried to keep the conversation rolling and interesting, I left, saying that I needed to get some grocery shopping done (which while usually turns out to be true and that I did anyway, I didn't and was just trying to get the obligation over and done with almost. I'm an evil person hahah ._.). Pretty much that is that though, no other lasting impressions or things to say about it, as usual, very lack of impact. >_>

While we're on this topic perhaps on girls that I used to find attractive, then another one that I should surely then visit is Sze Ying. Surely I used to have a crush on her before, but really, none of that is left already. Not even a shred of it :| I still have her on my facebook, and she posted up some new photos recently, of her and her boyfriend and her trip to wherever she went I don't even know, but god damn, she's a completely different person now, and in a way that... well, I don't like :| I guess that's why it never really worked out between me and her, fundamentally just too different I suppose. In the end what happened was that I took a look at some of those photos, and after a while I just had to stop. My curiosity was satiated, and god, any more and I'd completely destroy my opinion of her >< hahaha London has really turned her into quite a person, almost the opposite person in that sense, from who I at least thought she was... In the end though, maybe things have worked out like this for a reason, and maybe it all does make sense. For that matter, at this point in time, I'm glad that while I may had crushes on these other girls, I am glad that I fell in love with Tze Ni instead. Nope, I still feel that my love went into the right place and the right person :)

With that though, she's still in Ghana now. I really hope that she's okay, and that she's doing fine and things like that. I really do miss her, and I want to be with her, but above that, I do really wish that she's okay and doing fine there, not doing anything... too... over or something and getting herself in danger and in trouble >_< I really hope not. I'd like for her to come back unscathed and unharmed after all... ._. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I have not been blogging as often as well. The more I blogged then, the more I thought about her, the more she would be on my mind, and the realisation that she's in Ghana kicks in and that would make me worry more about her. The worst part of course being that I can't really do anything about it as who I am.

Anyway, I think I will end this post here, I have a more directed one coming up and I'd very much like to get started writing that one up as well. I want to write it because it would put me at ease and I want to write it up because it matters as well. So.... yeah. Mwah... Kisses loves and hugs baby. I love and miss you so much, even if I may not say it as often as I do anymore here. I have my reasons. I really want no other girl as no other girl can replace you or mean this much to me as you do. Given the chances, I don't want Sze Ying, I don't want Yi Ann, I don't want any other hot or beautiful or even famous girls out there. All I really want is you Tze Ni. Only you. you're the only girl that I love, and you're the only girl that I want to spend my life with. You may be imperfect, get angry with me for no reason, be difficult to deal with, and be intolerable at time, but it's also for these very reasons that I love you, and these are the things that make you, you. I love you so much. This is why I love you more than enough to marry you and spend my life with you. When I said things like I love you, I really meant every word of it. Every song I sang for you, I sang because I meant it. Everything I have done for you, I have done it without expecting anything in return, I really have. I love you, and that's pretty much about it for me... Take care of yourself in Ghana and... stay safe. I still need to marry you in the future after all... I still want to love you for longer and stronger... Mwah... Kisses loves and hugs. Tze Ni, I love you so much. Take care of yourself there.

hamster off and out.

Meh

Just got back from seeing the penguins, as in quite literately jut got back. I'm in the van at the moment, waiting for us to depart back to Melbourne, though we'll we taking a few stops before hand, to get us something to eat. Note to self, when I get back, I'll have to do some stuff for father's day as well. It's a bit late at this point, but better than never I say.

Penguin viewing.... Was okay I guess. I don't know if I expected anything of it, I think I enjoyed the rest of the trip more than the penguins in their entirety. Don't feel too excited, though that in itself may have had more than something to do with the whole trip in essence I guess, that is kinda getting to me just a little.

Through the whole journey, I'm kinda surrounded by couples all around me. They're everywhere, and while that's really a good thing, to have happy people, it makes me sad almost. Sad because I'm kinda lonely here, but not really because I don't have someone. Sad almost because the someone that I want isn't really around for me to spend this moment with, sad because she's on the other side of this planet, sad because... well that. We're not even in the same continent.

Long story short, I do miss her, and I do miss being us, once again. Not exactly something too uncommon then. but something that has been happening more than often I suppose. I guess the sadder part is that I'll still have to wait for just a little bit longer,... and that I really do want to wait, because it's for her and I won't do it for anyone else. sigh. Oh well.

While a fun trip in it's essence, I'm kinda a bit down today I suppose, especially being surrounded with Joyce and Wilson as well. While I enjoy spending time with them, and they're funny and amusing, I kinda keel the lonely being accentuated just a little bit more when they're around... I'm just dying for some guy only time right now.

Thing is though, even right now, I'm not really looking for a relationship. I can't say that I'm looking for girls, because I really am not. I'd rather be alone and feel like this than be with someone else at the moment, rather said, I don't want to be with anyone else, but even if it's her, I'm not ready. I still need more time to chill out I suppose. It's a complicated situation to be in to say the least then.

Anyway, the van has begun moving as we start our journey back to Melbourne now. I don't think that I will really be continuing to type anymore as I'm afraid that I will start getting a head ache and feel all bleh, so I think I will end this post right here.

Mwah... Kisses loves and hugs baby... I don't know what else to say now to you. Stay safe and enjoy Ghana, help the people out there if you can I suppose. I love you. :) I'm proud of you and I will wait for you.

hamster off and out.

Penguins :D

Haven't really written in for a while, but I'm doing it mobile now, I'm on the way to Philip Island now, and on a tour group at the moment with Jocelyn and Wilson at the moment. I just thought that since I haven't written in for a while, I'll write one in now while I'm on the trip over to the island to see the penguins lol :D

She's already left for Ghana come yesterday, and I think she's already arrived there in Africa. I hope that she has a good trip there, and that she stays safe during her trip. I don't wish to talk more about it at the moment, mostly because I think that the more that I talk about it, the more I'l get worried about it, and the more I'll be :(

Totally enjoying the holidays at the moment, though I suppose if you think about it, it's not really holidays anymore as much as it is... hahaha unemployment :| that's a really sad way to think about it of course, but hey, it's not really that far from the truth :x >_> I'm trying to get my work though so... yeah that's not too bad.

Anyway, I don't think I want to type too much while I'm on the road, after all, I get car sick very easily so yeah >_> I think I'll keep it short and end it here, maybe I'll write in a little later instead. For now... tata :) love you baby. Take care of yourself and stay safe okay???? I love you :) mwah.

hamster off and out.

Protection

Writing in a small portion, not much to say to be honest, except that I’m fully taking in the relaxation now * w * It’s nice, but it’s also one of those things that I don’t want to keep up for too long. I ended up messaging her today, to wish her a safe trip to Ghana, because well, as if it comes to any surprise, I still care and worry for her. Obviously because I love her, but I’m not here to state the obvious.

My parents are asking me to come back middle of the year, though I feel really reluctant about it. For starters, I know that if I go back to Malaysia now, no work will get done, and progress will be at a standstill. I have obligations to fulfil here, and a job that I can work in to help get me some cash, and to me that’s more worthwhile than obviously heading back to Malaysia where I won’t get to do much and nothing much else really happens. Of course, another big reason is because I know that she’ll be around during that time. I still don’t think it’s a good idea for me to see her again just yet, not like this, because well… If anything starts again, and trust me, part of me wants it to as well, I know that she’ll just be leaving back to UK sad again, because once again the separation is right there. That’s really not something that I want and… to me, going back to Malaysia now, is a bit uncomfortable at this point (yes, I am saying this) It’s not that I don’t love her, but I can’t start anything with her, not after all we’ve done and been through to work towards a better end. I may be making the wrong choice with this, but so far it seems perfect and logical to me, so I will probably stick by it.

I want to focus more on my work and my obligations now really, rather than think about things like relationships and things like that, even if it’s with her. I don’t feel like I’m making a wrong decision with this, so… let’s hope that I’m right then. All I’ve done I’ve pretty much done it because I felt it was the best for us anyway. It would really suck if in the end, I was wrong altogether, and nothing came out of it ._. I’d really like something to come of it… bah…

But apart from that, really nothing much else to say. I love her, and I still smile with the widest of smiles each morning I’m greeted with the photo of us above my monitor. It may not mean much now, but it’s still something to hope on I suppose. I do believe we have something special after all, something truly different and new, and I really want to work and try it now. For now though, first obstacles is the distance in between us, and getting her to come back home safely as well. Nothing much more I’d wish for apart from that.

Anyway, I’m gonna go have a shower, and start cleaning up the kitchen, wipe and wash, mop the floors, then move on to the other rooms from there. I really hope she does stay safe and fine in Ghana, but as for me here, all really I can do is hope and pray for her safety. I really do hope that’s more than enough. On that note, I always thought that I had a guardian angel, because up till now, there have been more than a few strange occurrences and situations that helped me avoid calamity… so if this angel is true, I ask my angel, don’t worry about me. I’m more than fine and more than capable of taking care of myself. Look after Tze Ni, and keep her safe for me okay? ._. I’d want nothing more but that… bah.

Mwah… Kisses loves and hugs baby. I know you’re heading off to bed soon, so yeah… Good Night, Sweet Dreams and Sleep tight :) I love you so much… Safe trip to Ghana and take care of yourself, I’ll hear from you either in between or… you know, when you’re back. Love you. Mwah. *hugs* take care. please. :( I love you so much.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Early night

Off to bed now to be up earlier tomorrow morning. I find my days are so much less stressful when I have nothing to really work towards, and that I post so much less because of that... It's been a nice relaxing day to say the least. I have thoroughly enjoyed it :3

I'm probably gonna be up later at 6 am or so, just about the right time I suppose :3 from there, I shall start mai day :D I has plenty to do after all, and now I can take my time and slowly accomplish what I need to XD hahahaha :3 yay.

Mwah mwah mwah~ night night night :D Love you so much baby :) :D KISSY AND HUGSY :3 Good Night Sweet Dreams and... Sleep tight!!! Kisseesss lovveeess and huggssss, hamstar loves u so much and so plentifully :D MWAH! Also, safe trip to Ghana. I trust you can take care of yourself *hugs* :) *kiss* Come back safe for me okay?

hamster off and out.

Sleepy Kitty

So freaking tired when I got back home. I only managed to follow Jocelyn out for a while, then I had to head back home and just collapse to fall asleep >_> At the moment I'm just lying down on the bed, refusing to get up and move >_> I still feel the fatigue in my body blah.

So the meeting was supposed to be today, but when I got there at 9am, no one was there. I waited for an additional 2 hours, and no one else arrived -.- In the end, I just emailed him the builds, and let them play it from there. They replied me, or rather the head replied me, and said that he wrote it down in his calendar that I was just supposed to email him the build. Apparently not sir. If you had been paying attention at all, you'd know that you wrote that I was supposed to come in at 9am and present to two lecturers, but you didn't read through it properly then, did you-.- bah. Whatever. I don't care as much anymore, just glad that it's past.

After that, I followed Jocelyn out shopping, showed her around and things like that. I brought her around before we eventually went to DFO for her to try on clothes and jeans and what not... and I took the opportunity and got a new pair of jeans for myself as well, which I have been meaning to get anyway, a pair of sexy jeans rawr. hahahaha :) from Levi's as well :D hahaha :3

But of course, the reason why I write in as well, is not so much to tell you that I got new jeans blog, but rather for me to say that... Even going shopping with another girl, I felt uncomfortable about it, I didn't feel happy about it. Sure, she was more of like a sister to me, but... These are the things that I used to do with Tze Ni, and I didn't feel happy doing it with another girl, as strange as that sounds. For the most part, after a while, as I got a lot more uncomfortable, I just waited outside, and sat down. I didn't feel like browsing clothes and shoes and what not with another girl, that's about it. Sigh. Take it as whatever it may mean of course. I just can't do it, and while Jocelyn just said to instead of being bothered by it, write new memories about it, it's not that easy, and not really something I was keen to do just yet as well... It felt horrible trying to write over my feelings and memories of her with new ones. Perhaps then it is just me who feels this way, maybe. I don't know, I can't tell you for certain either. Of course, I don't think she'd start going shopping solo with any other guy come any time soon, but that's mainly only because that kind of thing doesn't really happen that often anyway... so... yeah.

Really, despite all the shit that we go through, I find it difficult or rather... don't wish to move on from it all just yet. I have my own theories as to why she's always cranky with me, and at times the hypothesis checks out cleanly as well. In the end, I think it's really because we both know in a way that we're still believing in that chance of and us in the future, which make a now, where we can't do anything almost, hard. Indeed, I think we're just trying to make it easier for each other by not communicating as often, though my main concern about that, is forgetting completely altogether, but again, how often does something like that happen anyway. After all, here I am still stuck on her, even after so long, and hardly ever communicating with her at all. It would also explain a bit I guess as to why she apologizes to me if she was mean and what not in the last conversations, and it happens as well. Meh.

As I am now, I try not to think too much about it. I wanna live my life free now, not having to think about relationships and things like that, and I enjoy the single life in that sense, because of almost the lack of burden and stress that it may bring, not so much the fact that I could see someone else and shit like that. I never cared for that, and to be fair, if I really wanted to look for someone else, I would, relationship or not. I sometimes don't understand that "chained down" feeling that people get with their relationships, but it's maybe because I'm strange as a person anyway.

Well, I'm gonna go clean up for a bit, have a shower, and since I'm technically more free than ever now (without deadlines to meet anymore), I will start trying to clear this stack of things I've always wanted and needed to do, before me. At least freedom allows me to do that now, and maybe I'll start by doing a complete clean up of the house first. I've already started a while ago by washing my cousin's bed sheets, blankets, covers and linen that he left behind anyway. It's something that I've wanted to do as well, given the time, and now I have it don't I? :D

Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs baby. You may be difficult to handle, you may make life difficult for me, you may upset me at times, but I still love you with all my heart. Call me silly, or call me devout and loyal, whatever it is right? I still believe in a love that will last after all, and I am working towards it as well. I love you, so take care of yourself. Have a good day, bye :) mwah.

hamster off and out.

WHERE U AT.

At uni now. Lecturer is nowhere to be seen. What the shit. We were all supposed to be here at 9am, but they're all clearly missing and not here. Not happy. I made my way here early on time but no one is here. Both of them are not here. Why did I even come in early for then >_> I haven't slept the whole time, and I'm quite exhausted, and later I still need to accompany Jocelyn out shopping too ._. Oh dear lord, can this day get any worse ; w ; Regardless, I'm trying to make things happen I guess... I just have to wait here... till something happens -.-

I managed to complete A lot of my game though, so that's a good thing obviously. There are of course, a few things which I would have liked done, but hey, >_> beggars can't be choosers, and where it is now, isn't exactly bad anyway. I can work with this. I'm going to continue this game post University as well anyway, so... meh. All in good times I suppose. For now, I'd like a small break from this project, and focus on getting my sales out of the way, doing my other stuff, my part time job, and all the things that I always wanted to do but never had time to do because I was always preoccupied with meeting deadlines >_> yeah... That.

I'm getting tired sitting here and waiting. I may just sleep on this table here for a while while I wait for something to turn up I suppose... Maybe -.- Sigh. Irritating. Whatever. It's the last day, and it's not as if I didn't come anyway, I'm here, he's just not here, that's all. I kept my end of the bargain, but where is his right? >_> bah... I'll continue to wait a bit longer... and maybe nap on this table... yeah... the table... is looking very good right about now >_> ._. bawwwwww

1am there, so she should be well asleep by now. She should be at least. Good Night baby, kisses loves and hugs, I love you so much :| You may be evil and all mean to me, (except somehow when we're not like voice talking) but yeah, I still love you, with all my hugs, and I will hug all that evil out of you one day >_> mwah. kisses. Nights. Loves.

hamster off and out.

To just ‘Not care’.

Near Mid work break. I sit here pondering the implications of things, mostly the things said. This is probably the second time, if not more that I’ve heard it. “You shouldn’t be worried about me” or “You shouldn’t be concerned about me” things like these. I find them funny because their implicit meaning suggests that just because we’re not dating anymore, or not together anymore, or have broken up, I should instantly not care about her anymore, or anything else that happens to her. For someone else maybe who goes into a relationship without much, then maybe, but not for me unfortunately.

I find the notion in itself strange, but it almost somewhat plays into what I know of her as well, that she’s someone who buries a lot of her problems when they crop up, almost as if they never existed. Over time I have showed my concern to her towards actions but not much of it seems to have been heeded anyway. Still, I find the fact that she chooses to shut problems off instead of dealing with them a bit worrying. Best part of course is that as per usual I don’t have any position to say anything.

One of those things that run through my mind I guess. The idea of just turning off your feelings and emotions scares me to be honest, it’s almost like having a split personality in that sense, which I guess when it comes down to it… I suppose that when it comes to me she really does have one. =_= Amusing isn’t it. Meh. Whatever. I trust that she can take care of herself. I can’t stop myself wrong worrying per se, but at least I still trust that she can do it. sigh.

That’s pretty much it for me now. I am trying to stay awake as it is to do work, so I thought a change of pace would be good. But I’m off for now, back to work or something. Kisses loves and hugs. Take care. Love you.

 

 

hamster off and out

I’ll always get behind you, don’t get me wrong, just be honest, with me :)

Ok go, go hang your heart on… any tree,
You can make yourself available to anybody,
Cause every livin' person knows you are a prize,
Whichever way you go I'll be easy to find

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me
I don't ask for much… be honest

Think of this song as a promise you can do what you want,
If you decide you wanna move into a new stage,
Deleting me from pages in your mission statement,
My love is unconditional, make no mistake

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me
I don't ask for much, just be honest… with me

Who we are, when love is what it wants to be,
We are free, and we are, having the best day ever by far,
Being treated to the light, like a superstar

I can hold space while you see what your heart has to say about me,
There's no dotted line to sign away your freedom,
I acknowledge you for what you do to keep strong,
I'll always get behind you, don't get me wrong

I don't ask for much, just be honest with me
I don’t ask for much, just be honest… with me

Who we are, when love is what it wants to be,
We are free and, we are, having the best day ever by far,
Yes we are

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s always a song to help convey my emotions a bit more accurately, this new one from Jason Mraz, being particularly one of them. I just love singing this one now, because I feel it so strongly as well, but as this is a follow up post almost, I won’t say much else :)

I can hold space while you see what your heart has to say about me; I acknowledge you for what you do to keep strong; I’ll always get behind you, don’t get me wrong.

I don’t ask for much, just be honest… with me. After all, my love is unconditional, make no mistake.

Mwah. I love you.

 

 

hamster off and out.

Come Saturday

Just called her and talked to her. In a way, it almost played out just the way I’d expected it to be, and that’s not really a good thing by any means. I won’t let it bother me though, I have better things to be worrying about now, and I have better things to do now than to be bogged down by such things.

I told her what I had to say already, and I expressed my concerns already. Everything else that happened is not of importance, though I’m given to understand that she wants an even smaller presence of me in her life, almost non existent then. She may deny it, but whatever. Really, I never TRIED to be close to her friends. I just do whatever, without bothering too much about it. It’s not as if I’m purposely trying to get close to them to get close to her or anything anyway. And sigh, really? me liking every single one of her photos? I can’t even remember the last time I liked one of her photos. A post, sure, but I don’t see anything wrong with liking something I find amusing anyway.

Regardless, at least I know all of this, suckage and hurt as it may be. Right now though, I have other better things to worry about as I said, as I have to work towards a deadline as well. I’m glad that at least it got itself out of the way early, then I don’t have to speculate the outcome now. With that said, I’m gonna grab me something to eat and drink, then get back to work. Not much time left on the clock.

Despite all said and done Tze Ni, despite really how mean you may be towards me or how you treat me now or things like that, I still do love you. I am UNHAPPY, sure, but I still do love you, so… yeah. Whatever right. It’s moments like these that I wonder if I really found the right girl to fall in love with hahaha. Meh. Such is life. Never expected it to be easy and such anyway. Yeah, have a good day and stuff like that kay girl. I still love you. –_-

 

 

hamster off and out.

I smile too much that I find it difficult to frown again. Maybe that’s a good thing then. I actually feel lighter now as well. Hmmm. Oh well. Just take care of yourself while you’re there. Uncomfortable or not, it’s what I want from you. beehh bye.

Looks like I can’t even freely enjoy something on the internet now. heh. It’s no wonder traditionally people unfriend their exes and their friends lol. I can totally see where they’re coming from. I won’t do it, but at least I understand why. Intriguing.

Work for me, Sleep for her :P

7am, haven’t slept, still working :| Close to being in the zone, but I know when I’m in it, and I’m totally not. Still, it’s a good effort none the less, and I find myself getting very hungry very quickly when I stress my brain out like this lol. It’s amusing and scary at the same time, but necessary.

Just writing in a short one before I get back to work, mainly because I know she’s gonna be heading off to bed soon probably, time now is 10:13pm there. Wanna extend my wishes and what not before I get back to work :) so… Yeah, I’ll do just that.

Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs baby :D I love you so much. SO SO SO MUCH :3 If you really still don’t believe me by now, then I have not much else to say, maybe I have to come over and show you really how much I do hahaha XD but of course, not now. Not till I’m ready again to see you :) Mwah. I love you so much :D Good Night, Sweet Dreams and Sleep Tight. I love you :D

 

 

hamster off and out. Always positive, never depressed for long, always looking for a solution, always moving forward :3

Because I don’t give up easily, and because I know I’m worth it.

When I look into your eyes,
It’s like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
There’s so much they hold

And just like them old stars,
I see that  you’ve come so far
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul

I won’t give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I’m giving you all my love,
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space,
To do some navigating,
I’ll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find

Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the earth,
We’ve got a lot to learn,
God knows we’re worth it

I won’t give up

I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily,
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make,
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we’ve got,
Yeah we’ve got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend,
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn,
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in,
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up

So easy is our life
What's mine is yours and yours mine
Hardly do we ever fight,
We'd rather be kind

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart

I know I'm worth it...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

Lady you're worth it (and we're worth it)

No, I won't give up..

-----------------------------------------------------

The demo version of a song I like, which if the original described my feelings for her well, then this version just does so much of a better job at it. I take a lot of hits sure, but in the end if it’s all worth it, I don’t want to give up so easily on it. I still want to pursue it with all my heart and all my will to be honest, and I don’t see myself letting up anytime soon. Am I that desperate for companionship to give this up just to find someone else? No. I’d rather be with someone I feel like I can click with than to willy nilly go around the place looking for someone I can have a good time with.

I won’t give up on us, and I don’t give up easily.

I know I’m worth it, and I know you’re worth the effort as well

So in the end, I will strive for this, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it gets. Just watch how much I can deal with. I’ll win it all. That’s my promise from me to you. I love you.

 

 

hamster off and out

Immediate vs Future

Mmmmm Back to work :3 I realise how much I really think so much less about the situation, not overthinking it in that sense, and just focusing on what I have in front of me and getting it solved. So much happier as well >_> Meh. Interesting isn’t it. As things are now, I’m happy, so… Whats to hate right? :3

Indeed, I should try and stop overthinking about things and the situation, blah, get paranoid and stupid and shit =.= Just focus on what you have to do now boy. Focus focus focus. Work work work. Good progress is happening as well, and I’m a happy camper :D So yeah, anyhoo, I’m gonna head on back to work now.

Mwah mwah mwah baby, kisses hugs and loves :D MWAH MWAH MWAH! KISS KISS KISS *snuggle* :) I love you so much Tze Ni XD HAS GOOD DAY, NICE LUNCH AND STUFF YAS? :3 LOVES U PLENTY YAS? :D DA!

Ich liebe dich Tze Ni :) dich allein.

 

 

hamster off and out. Back to work. RAWR. Love this girl.

Sulk

One of those days. Not in a very good mood. Not in a good mood at all. Like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, I just don't feel like getting out and up at all. I have been in here for a while, just... sulking. A lot of thoughts are getting me down, and getting me a bit demotivated, but I don't think it'll last for long anyway. It's not surprising, it's just the cycle of things. Still, let me just lay here motionless for a while. I don't want to move.

I think that I am someone who thinks and speculates too much for his own good. I mean, for the most part, it's a really powerful trait of mine, that I really consider all options and things like that, but when you start thinking too much, and extrapolating things a bit too far... that's when it gets really messy I suppose. I should learn to focus more on the here and the now instead of just the future. It's a bad habit even, but I enjoy and look forward to the future more than I do for the present. It's a never ending dream where you strive to work for that better future without caring much for the present, almost blind to see. Oh well. I'll get over myself, it'll pass in time. It always has. This is not the first time anyway that I have this worry in particular,and it's always like this when I do.

It's that very same worry that I always have, you know it. The one where I talk so much about being okay if she really really moved on and left and stuff like that, to another person, but when I come back down to earth and feel it, I get really sad and depressed, almost like now, I lay here, motionless, not wanting to move, but I have things to do, I have work to do, I have responsibilities to fulfil, and I have dreams to accomplish and a future to build. Part of this blogging here of course, is to try and change all of that now, to get it out of my system so that I can at least make the best out of the rest of my day. At least, I hope that it does work. It would suck if it didn't geh.

I'm a hypocrite then aren't I? I say things like how I would be happy if she did this and that and this and that, but another part of me just says no, don't do it, don't forget about me, don't leave me, don't, because I love you, because of this and that... I'm just a bag of conflicting emotions then. Everything I say that reeks of neutrality has my true side to it hidden. I don't think that's too far fetched to say, but I think that's almost normal as well. I mean, did you really think that I would let go of her THAT easily? did you think that after all this while, and after everything we've been through, I can just say hey, go to someone else if that makes you happy, because I just want you to be happy? Okay, I do want her to be happy as well, but that act in itself will make me unhappy, duh. That's not even surprising. I love her therefore I want her only for myself, I love her and that's why this situation right now REALLY sucks, I love her and that's why I sulk and I feel sad. Even then, these feelings are normal. I'm a human being after all, and I have emotions just like everyone else, and flaws just like everyone else.

For every good that I have then, I have a flaw just as bad in magnitude, and I think that this is probably one of them. I have a lot of selfishness in me at times, and I think it doesn't show well, and I think that she may not know this too well either, but of course, even then, how is this abnormal right? I want her only for myself, I want her to only look at me, I want her to not date other guys, I want her to have only me on her mind... Things like that. When we're considering that I want her for more than just a girlfriend, and I want her for something else, something more, then we see that everything just... falls into place, because it's only normal and it's only expected. The only thing then, is that I wish that time will go by faster. I really hope it does. Time zooped by pretty quickly anyway when I was working, probably because I had my mind and my heart almost preoccupied, and I was in the zone a lot of times. I need to pull myself back in. I have till the morning of the 14th. Not a lot of time left. Possible, but not a lot of time left. Let's get the ball rolling then shall we? Let's get back to work.

I'm gonna pull myself out now. I'm gonna wash up, grab something to eat, then get to work. Mwah... I love you Tze Ni... so much, too much. So then, of course it's normal for me to say that I don't want you to go to anyone else, that it's normal for me to say that I want you only for me, that I want you to look only at me, and I want us to be more than just that. It's normal then, to want you only for myself, because I love you, and love, in it's essence at times, is a damn right selfish thing isn't it? haha.... If you're just getting up then good morning baby. Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs... have a good day ahead. I love you. so much.

hamster off and out

Freedom and Will

Lying down on the bed now, chilling just a little before I head off to sleep. Talking a little to Wern Sheng right now, just a little to see how he's going with his after uni, and how things are going with him and like Jin Zhe, since last I heard from him, exam pressure was getting to the better of the both of them, and they were having tough times. He said that things are good and okay now though, so that's good to hear.

He starts asking me on how things are going between me and Tze Ni, and I just tell him the truth, that things aren't easy at the moment, but for someone in my situation now, things are never easy, so I suppose that you can call it normal. Even then, I told him that I was happy and still resolute, but yeah. He said that she sounds like she's well and truly over me though, and well, I'm not sure what to say to that, but I don't know if it really matters at this point anyway. Well, actually, it does, just for the matter that if she's over me, then... I'm guessing she really is living her life nice and happy nice and happy now, which is a good thing I guess. It's what it's all about anyway. :) He did tell me though, to be a bit more transparent with her about my feelings, and I think I am as well anyway, like how I wrote that letter to her in the card and things like that... I said to him that it really wasn't easy communicating with her in live conversation as you would have it now, even for me. I choke, and can't find the right words to say, and so I find it better to express myself in the letters that I have written to her. Apart from that, I do express my concern for her and her safety in all the little ways that I can I suppose, though I have a feeling that Africa will be one of those things that will be big on me. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow (or today) though.

Am I sad that I hear things like she's moved on from me? I guess, if you wanna poke deep down within me, I feel a little hurt and cut, that if it were true, then she really has gotten over what we were in less than a year, but on the other hand, if it really were true, then I'd really be happy for her. As I said, I don't want to force her into anything. I merely want to present to her the knowledge that I still love her I guess, and but nothing more. She's free to date other guys, and she's free to even tell me to stop sending her stuff if it really bothered her that much as well, and I would respect it. I am really leaving a lot of this in her hands I suppose you can say. It's the least I can do for her anyway. The girl needs to learn how to make decisions, and they may not always be the easy ones, whether they're kind to me or not, is another thing altogether. In that sense, I think that if she really wanted to get over me (assuming she hasn't already), if she's reading this blog, then I think she should really stop. It makes me happy of course, that she reads it, because it sort of signifies that she still cares about me in that sense, but if she really wanted to move on from me, and move on to other guys, and start a new chapter with maybe other guys and things like that, then she should really stop reading this blog. Why? Because I have nothing else to say here but I love yous. It's because I have nothing else to me, but being able to say I love you to her, and anything that would happen with me and her, would take that remaining 1 year and 11 month or so to happen. Painful as it may be, if she wanted that, it's right at her fingertips as well. I won't however, say that happiness and not checking my blog is synonymous. I find the idea of "if I'm not reading this blog then I'm happy" to be plain ridiculous anyway.

If she really decides to read on, (big assumptions that she does already) then it at least means that she still believes in us, and still believes in that future between us. Of course, such things carry not much weight at the moment, but when the time comes, they will really shine like never before. I guess what I'm really trying to say then is that I don't want to lose her and all that chance altogether, but neither do I want her to be unhappy, or feel like I'm chaining her down I suppose. It's a bit presumptuous to say that I'm having all the negative effects on her, but hey, I'd rather assume so than to think that I'm never. I try to always look at my actions subjectively, and without bias, and take action based on what I feel would be morally correct of me of course... so yeah...

I still won't give up on her though. Probably not until the day she finds someone else, probably not even then. Until I really get the full no go, I will continue trying my best to do what I can, to make her remember that I still love her with all I have, and to work for my own dreams and ideals, which I hope of course, would be 'our' dreams and hopes and ideals. Shit's not easy when you're trying to be unobtrusive as well, I can tell you that. Still, my hopes and my spirits are not easily hampered, and I don't give up easily :) It's one of my worse traits. XD hahahaha. I am terrible at giving up, and I'm even worse at giving her up.

I'm a bit of a hypocrite then aren't I :| Probably. What does it matter though. I'm probably the most unobtrusive hypocrite then. I love her, don't try and stop me I suppose :P I'd still continue writing to her, and writing to her often almost, and maybe I'll start once she gets to Ghana. That way, she has something to read (and perhaps look forward to) when coming back from there, incentive if you will, to come back unharmed, fine and accomplished. I'd probably then send it to her house in Malaysia... hmmm... yeah not a problem :P

Oh blog. The things I do for love. The things I am willing to do for love, and the things I go through for love. Actually, that would be incorrect. The things I go through for her love, the things I do for this love, and the things I am willing to do for her love once again hahaha. It's more direct at her anyway. I don't particularly have this feeling for anyone else after all.

Anyway, I think I will head off now. I wanna grab some sleep, perhaps for a while, and get up early, wash up and start my day. If you're reading this baby, and if you're still here, then... Mwah. Kisses Love and hugs. I love you so very very much :) More than anyone else in the world, more than anyone else, ever. Do what you have to do to make yourself happy, and don't allow me or anyone else to dictate that. Do what you want, never regret it, and never look back. Live free, without chains, and without bounds, and when you decide on what you want to do, stick to it and abide by it, resolutely, strongly, endlessly and whole heartedly :) It's my rules I present to you, in order to live a happy life, with or without me. I really do love you so much. Kisses loves and hugs, Good Night, sweet dreams and sleep tight... I'll talk to you soon. :) *pecks cheeks* I really really.... Really really... Love you so very much. Just thinking about you puts a smile on my face instantly :) Good night. Mwah. loves.

hamster off and out.

If she's reading this, then I think I have made my points and my intentions abundantly clear.... for the most part though, I don't intend to stop loving her for anything. She means the world to me, and because of that, my dream is that one day I have her in my arms again, for longer and perhaps eternity.... God I really do love her so much >_> sigh.

Love is tough shit.

Limbo or denial.

Slow day. Average day.Tiring day as well. Had a nap mid day, and I dreamt about Tze Ni again. Don’t remember the particulars of the dream, but I still remember at least that it was a good dream, one of those happily ever after sort of dreams. Why do I ever dream so much of her these days, why is it that not so much before. Why so often these days… Why.

There are no definite answers for sure. For starters, because I love her? well, I have always loved her since then, so that’s not really an answer. How about because I miss her? That again, isn’t really an answer in it’s own right, because again, I don’t think there’s really a time when I don’t miss her, and it’s not like I started missing her a lot recently as well, I’ve had my moments in the past half year. There are no answers to the questions I pose then. Nothing that can make it generate that much more sense. Perhaps then it’s because of the more… speculative option, because she misses me too. As nice as it sounds, I can’t really pull that kind of conclusion as well, especially not without any form of data whatsoever. Sigh.

Can’t really pinpoint my emotions at the moment. It’s kind of like a blur. Neither here nor there. Weird. It’s like being stuck in this strange limbo without anywhere to go to. All I can tell you is that at the moment I have the teddy in front of me, sitting with me on this chair, and I hug it from time. I also lean my head and place it in front of me, and occasionally peck it on the head. What does it really mean to me anymore. My only inference from it is that It’s still that venting point almost for my feelings for her, that I enjoy doing it. In the end I think it’s all because I miss her and am trying to nerf it. The heart wants what the heart wants. Words may betray my motives, but the fact that I hug and kiss the teddy tighter than before and say stuff like ‘I love you so much Tze Ni’ Kinda give it away… Especially since I don’t do this that often, the whole bring teddy around the house thing… >.> <.< again, yet another secret only for this blog. zzzz.

Yeah, that’s it. I’m pretty sure that’s it. As I hug the teddy and lay my head on it, and contemplate what it all means, I do miss her. Just… not too vocal about it this time around I guess. Silently missing if that makes sense. Strong but silent. Just… here and stuff… But it’s okay. :) It’s okay. At least I know I still love her enough to be sad when she’s not around right? XD ha… hahaha… ha. =_= okay yeah shut up.

Sigh… Imma getting hungry. Gonna cook me some rice and eat some of my leftover green curry >_> food none the less, and my tummy is doing a wonderful growl orchestra. Mwah. Kisses loves and hugs baby :) good Morning. Have a good day yes? I love you yes? :P And also, I miss you so very very much :( MWAHHHHH MWWWAAAHHHHH… Just wanna hold you right now :( mwwaaaarrrr… But can’t. DX TIS OKAY. IT SHALL HAPPEN IN TIME. 1 YEAR AND 11 MONTHS AND A FEW MORE DAYS LEFT. IT’LL WORK. O_O I’LL MAKE THIS SHIT WORK. DX LOVE YOU! HAVE GOOD TIME AND DAY! :D MWAH MWAH!

 

 

 

hamster off and out.

Promises

A Malaysian short film shared by one of my friends, that I can relate to on some levels. If anything it’s also one that motivates me on, and extrapolates for me the things I can and will have if I pursue my goals strongly, resiliently and without compromise. I do so because I love her, and I will wait for her because I love her. Persistence rewards. For I am me, and I am capable of just about anything, I will do it. I still trust in us after all, and I still believe in what we could be.

I’m terrible at giving up. I’m stubborn, and I’m difficult to persuade otherwise. I am hard headed, I am difficult to work with, I am anal about so many things. All these weaknesses shall be used as my strength, and they’re what keep me going and not just going, but going strong. People may not understand why I do the things that I do, people may not see the things that I see. People claim that what I do is torturing myself, people claim that I just need closure and a definite answer to move on.

I of all people know that you can’t rush answers. I know this because I have tried, and because of this, I have hurt people as well. I have my moments of impatience, and I have my moments of weakness, amplified by my insecurities. Even then, even so, they don’t see what I see. They do not see it as far as I do, they do not see that what I do now essentially will affect everything in the future. I know this all too well, and if I want to win, I don’t wait till the time is right to start, it’s a marathon not a race after all. I will make it work because I can, I will make it work because I want it to, I’ll make it work because I want us to.

Kisses loves and hugs baby. Night comes to London now as a begin the days here. Today is a public holiday, the queen’s birthday. Meh. Doesn’t mean anything to me, I have work to do, I can’t spend it doing anything else to be honest. Anyway, yeah. Kisses loves and hugs. Good Night sweet dreams and sleep tight. I love you so much. I’ll talk to you sometime this week before you head off, maybe tomorrow or the day after. Good night baby. Good night Tze Ni. I love you so much.

 

 

hamster off and out.

New Profile pictures :D

Randomly decided to take a new photo of myself to update my older one on the left :3

I still smell the Strawberry cream somewhere in my nose >_>

I fell asleep as soon as I got home. Time now is 5:24am, and it's freaking 3 celcius out there, and I'm using my Transformer Prime under the blankets now. Just got up not long ago, and it's so cold... even using this tablet is a mini horror with the full metal aluminium body >_> haha... ha...

Was suppose to do some blog posting as soon as I got home, but I was probably too tired to do any, so I didn't >_> so instead of course, I am doing one now while I am lying down in my bed.. >_> yay.

Went out with Wilson today to St Kilda, to see the penguins. One of those moments when you know it's just damn good to own a F1.8 lens. Every night shot just looks that much better, and you can do so much more with it, where other people were just suffering to get the shot altogether. Poor poor other people. I'll get them sorted and uploaded in the morning though, my photos. I got some really nice ones in there, some really cute ones hahaha :D Penguins are charming, baby ones, but they poop a lot. a LOT. XD hahahahaha ._. After that we went to grab some dinner, ended up having dinner at a place called Rococo's in St Kilda, nice atmosphere, and quite romantic, I'd like to come back here sometime for a proper date, though arguably I have been here on a date before, though not with someone really date-worthy >_> hahaha ._. The interesting events of course, took place after dinner.

I was busy taking photos and pictures with Wilson, when I was suddenly ambushed from behind by this Australian girl. It really took me by surprise, but she started to advance towards me with cake in her hands o_o. Yeah. Cake. >_> She smiled at me, and said to me, try the cake, while pushing it infront of my face >_> I tried to move away and was like WTF is going on, and Wilson just hid himself, that bastard lol >_> She was very persistent as well, and I eventually buckled and jut took a bite off the cake hahaha >< she was pretty cute though >_> kinda didn't wanna say no lol, but I knew the implications of saying yes... In the end, I thought what the hell. I doubt they'd put anything weird or funny in the cake in that sense, they just looked like a couple of people having fun and being silly >_> The cake was kinda nice, yeah, and she was like 'Good isn't it?' lol >_< and smiled at me, then ran off ahahaha >< This is probably the second time I've come back to this place, and both times I get cream from some dessert almost shoved in my face, last time a cupcake, this time a full on cake >_> lol what's next =_= Not sure why they didn't target Wilson either, and targeted me. Apparently I look that much more 'FUN'??? lol -.- amusing. Whatever. XD

Another sort of not as big, but interesting in the sense pile on thing was on the ride home on the trams >_> It was pretty late by that time, and the trams were quite empty with a lot of empty seats left. I naturally just sat down on one of the empty benches and waited for the tram to move. Asian girl walks in, and of all the other places that she could have sat in, she came and sat next to me. I even had my bag beside me, my camera bag, and I had to move it away, like... wtf >_> There are so many other seats around girl, why you decide to sit with me? >_< She was quiet for the most part, but also seemed to enjoy herself pressing herself right up against my body, like wtf >_> I just looked ahead, and tried not to mind it and did my own thing, but ever so often time to time, I'd notice her looking at me and taking glances at me >_> <_< like... wtf girl... if it was somehow your fantasy to sit next to me or something, then you have accomplished it. What more do you want from me >_> really. I don't think I can give you anything else >_> bah.

Today was a strange day in itself in that sense I suppose. Girls being and acting all strange and weird towards me, on a day that I didn't bother to dress up as well, I dressed increasingly casual and stuff, with nothing too special on >_> Funnily this happens on the day after I wrote in that I do know that there are other girls who like me and stuff like that. Of course, arguably, these girls don't know me for who I am, and stuff like that, so I can assume only that they like me for a pretty face (can I even say that? I don't consider myself good looking by any means, not bad, but not like... stunning jaw dropper or random shit like that... just normal if anything >_>). Anyway, strange experiences are strange.

Anyway, I'm gonna see if I can try getting myself some additional rest now... it's about 5:49 am, and I wanna see if I can nap a little bit more to lets say.... 6-7 am or something like that, a proper waking up time, in which 4-5 am isn't >_> Mwah, kisse loves and hugs baby, I love you so much :) Other girls may have interest in me, but in the end, right now, I still really only want you. I'm not easily tempted, neither am I easily swayed, so consider me still a strong believer in the both of us :) mwah. I love you so much, Good night sweet dreams and sleep tight :D Saw your paintball pics, hope you had a lot of fun, paintball iz awesome XD hahahaha :3 Next time I take you paintballing as well, and we'll see how you fare against someone like me >:D Even pro's fear my accuracy, rawr. hahahahahaha Mwah mwah mwah, I love you so much, good night :D

hamster off and out

MEIN! D:<

Bit of post shower blog posting here. While showering I thought about a couple of things and contemplating them now... it really does make sense. Naturally these things are to do with Tze Ni altogether, and maybe just a little bit on the purpose of motivating myself even further, helping to remind myself that it really is a finite period with an expiry date.

The aforementioned realisation is a matter of time left. Her term just ended for this semester, and this marks 1 year of study already gone in UK for her, at least as far as semesters go. In terms of study period and length, it is similar to how things are like with me in Australia, where I study from February/ March all the way till about October or November. This makes about 3-4 months in between as break, and her study in London is not much different.

What I'm trying to say is that in terms of her studies there, and extrapolation to the end from where we are at now, it's less than 2 years left of study till she finishes in UK. This is because, she'll be finishing this time of the year about 2 years from now, and not in September, when she starts. It's one of those small little things that I sort of picked up on I suppose, that may not really mean much to the average person, or someone who is easily demotivated, but to me it means everything. This is essentially 1 year and a lot of few more months left, and call me someone who is easily pleased, but I am excited just by the fact that the word year turned from a plural to a singular. By this time next year then, it would be omitted altogether. Fascinating.

As I said, it's still not a particularly short amount of time, while still considerably short to be honest. Just a little bit of something to help me keep going day to day hahaha :P Of course, almost all too important as well, this almost means that I have about 2 years to go to set up my career here, which is ironically the same amount of time I allocated for myself anyway, as I planned to head back middle of the year 2 years from now :| Nice placements I suppose, and things just working out... hmmm nicely.

One of those other things is how she told me that she went clubbing yesterday, and one of her girl friends tried to kiss her. PFFT. SCREW OFF D: THOSE LIPS ARE MEIN D:< I won't let anyone else have them, not another guy, and not even another girl DX SHE'S MEIN :| EVERY OTHER ONE OF YOU PEOPLE CAN STAY AWAY >:( *Shields Tze Ni from other people* >3< Yes, I'm feeling like that right now, and I know I am not supposed to, but I don't care. Girlfriend or not, I still love her and I won't allow anyone else doing funny things to her D:< GRAWR.

Anyhew, I'm off to go scam on some penguins that are landing on the harbour here :3 Time to get the DSLR out and have some fun :D RAWR! :D I'll post up later. If you're waking up now baby... MWAH MWAH MWAH!!! MORNING! :D HAMSTER LOVES LOVES LOVES YOU! :3 Have good day and all that stuff and the usual bla bla bla love you and stuff by : D hahahahahaha XD But srsly, love you. :P

hamster off and out.

Transitions from INTJ -> INFP

Hmmm. Curiosity gets to the better of me and I find myself doing more and more of these Myer Briggs tests. I'm getting a mixed bag of results, though from the consistencies, I can pretty much tell where I am in terms of things.

I'm without a doubt, obviously, an Introvert. No amount of different tests have been able to change that, or prove it otherwise. Also,I have testamonies from friends that say that I am so as well, so that's that.

Second up, I am an Intuitive person, as well as someone who uses his sense very often. While I'm only slightly more towards the intuition side, it's safe to say that it's almost a 50/50 when it comes to this, a big picture as well as a details person.

The thirds and the fourth one is where things get slightly interesting for me it seems. As I mentioned before, I started off as an INTJ. In fact, some tests still denote that I'm an INTJ. However, ever since those few years ago, when I changed out my character, and became more fun and outgoing and stuff like that, coupling it with a lot more confidence and so forth, this has changed dramatically.

As said before, previously, I got the results of that of a thinker, but now I get the results of someone who is guided more by his emotions. Based on how a friend sees me though, he feels that I am able to swap between the two almost, to change my character and personality on the fly whenever needed. Indeed, it may be the trait that I developed, when I came from an INTJ to a INFP. I developed the ability almost to be both as they claimed :| interesting and amusing altogether.

As the last one, Judgement vs Perception. It seems that I can swap between the two as well, and results have told me that I am a bit more of a perceptionist now rather than a Judgement person, and that's one of the more interseting things as well, as they claim that it's more fun to hang around P people, than J. Hmm. I guess that PDL did do me some good after all, and I'm not talking about the people I met as much as what I learnt there. The ability to have a split personality almost, but instead of being a disorder, something that I am really well aware of, and can swap in between instead.

Also, Joyce seems to claim that I am an Introvert trying to learn how to be extrovert as well, and that would explain my flirtiness at times as well she says, though to me, that flirtiness isn't really something I do on purpose anyway. It's just a byproduct of who I am now, and just generally either being nice, or putting flattery where I see it is worth. hahaha ><

With that said, what does that really make me? Hmm. It's hard to say, but slightly extroverted introvert, someone who uses his sense as well as his intuition, a 50/50, and an on off toggle almost from being both a big thinker/feeler and the judging/perception. Probably would explain why I blog so often about my thoughts as well as feelings. On that interesting note as well, looking up INFP, it seems that I am also a good writer, and that I express myself better in writing than I do with words. I don't think I disagree with it, after all, to do so would be a Catch 22 almost, because here I am, writing and blogging almost. It would be denying the obvious observation hahahaha :P

Alright, enough posting of this random crap I suppose. I'll go have a shower, then try and iron out some designs and work from there >_> I need to do this first before I can start programming anyway. A pain in the ass, but almost a necessary pain in the ass. Whatever. What needs to be done, needs to be done.

:) *leans over and kisses Tze Ni on cheek as she sleeps :D* hahaha mwah. sleep well. I love you. :) hamster off to work now :X love you so much :D

hamster off and out.