I'll never let you go

We were living a lie and looking away
Floating inside some outer space
Hurting ourselves and losing control
We were so far gone

But then underneath it all, underneath it all
There's something beautiful like a fallen star
You show me not to let, show me not to let let it go

All over again, time after time
I never believed it could be mine
A flash in the dark, when nothing was right
When I'm with you I feel alive

I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go

We're splitting the sky with fire in our hearts
And nothing can stop us leaving the past
They try pulling us back and tying us down
We're too far gone

Way up above it all, up above it all, we’re
Something beautiful and it's all because you
Show me not to let, show me not to let let it go

All over again, time after time
I never believed it could be mine
A flash in the dark, when nothing was right
When I'm with you feel alive

I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go

Infinite Loop

Days go by and I do wonder a lot of things. I am writing this form work now by the way. I ‘m waiting for things to happen on the computer so it’s a bit of a downtime at the moment. Nothing really much to do at the moment apart from waiting for it to complete and finish running. Work is great by the way. I learn a lot of new things here and I have people who are helping me even with things that I don’t really know or understand very well. I am enjoying work a lot, as a lot of times it doesn’t really feel like work as much as it does a learning experience of many kinds. Maybe I’ve just been out of the workforce for way too long. Maybe this is just how it’s always been, but I’ve just been oblivious to it, or maybe I’m just lucky to be able to end up in this kind of job. Maybe.

Today’s writing isn’t so much about that though. It’s actually more about Steph. Things between us are going good I guess. They’re going good, yet at the same time, I don’t know how things will be in the future between us. I feel like we’re missing something, that spark or something that is keeping us together. I wonder if it’s because she feels tied down to her past that she’s a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. Time will help it all of course, but what if time kills it before it helps it? I don’t know. I like her though. I really like her. I love having her around me and everything about her to me is just beautiful.

Her non responsiveness towards me sometimes just leaves me wanting a bit more though, or questioning a lot more things. Maybe I don’t need to be worried, maybe I should be, but I guess that’s the nature of what’s really going on. I don’t know what’s happening and this uncertainty within me is driving me nuts. I don’t know. I just don’t know, and not knowing is dealing me quite a bit and I think it’s showing to her a bit.

I’d like some certainty, and it’s not something that I’ve been getting in my relationships with people for a while, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Why do I even have to go through this kind of stuff sometimes. I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I can’t really stop thinking about it.

 

hamster off and out

POSITIVITY YAS

Hmmm… Maybe today is just one of those days. One of those days which I haven’t had in quite some time, where I find myself snapping out of this sense of pessimism and negativity, and find myself back to my usual self, the more positive, gung ho person that I normally am. I miss this person. I haven’t actually had him in a while, which is about 2 months or so I guess? With a lot of things that have been going down with Alexis and shit, and the rise of Steph, I haven’t really had much of a emotional break at least until now.

I feel… much more positive. I feel much more normal. I feel much more… meh, but in a good way. Look, I like Stephanie. I like Stephanie a lot. I’m one peg short of saying that I love her, but that’s really for the future to unravel and see if I get to say it or not. I really do like her and I really do care for her. I want to get together with her, and I want a future with her, BUT, if it doesn’t turn out that way, I’m not going to be sad and cry about it or anything. I feel that kind of positivity today.

At the end of the day, I know that I’m a great guy. I know what I’m worth. I know that even though I may not be the most handsome, most in shape, or have the most hair on my head (yeah this is a thing), I know that I more than make up for it in many other ways. Heck, I’m not exactly ugly either, if not I wouldn’t have admirers of my own, let’s face it yeah? Getting in shape is something that can be fixed as well, and the same goes with hair on my head hahahaha. Maybe she does realise that too, and am judging me solely based on my personality. I believe her to be that kind of person anyway, given the amount of times I had unflattering photos of myself with her hahaha. I can only imagine how I might look like to other people.

I’ve seen myself and how I look like on my better days anyway, and hell, damn me if this sounds narcissistic, but I think I look pretty attractive myself. Yep, I know that it’s not just the brains that bring the girls to the yard, I’ve had quite a bit of stares myself, especially when I donned my full winter outfit and rocked it B< hahahaha. Admittedly I looked pretty sexy back then, and the girls in UK knew it : D

Okay, so enough about me and enough about boosting my ego a bit XD My point is that I know that I’m worth as a guy, and I know that while ahem, I can be quite a sexy looking guy if it came down to it, my selling point is still my personality. I have a lot to offer a woman and I know it. I have a lot to offer Steph and I know it. I know that she sees this too, that’s why she’s still sticking around me, but admittedly the days and months when I was with her weren’t my best of months, as I found myself a lot more negative and pessimistic than usual. Yes, this is my true self right here B< I’m not overly narcissistic, but I’d be doing myself a disservice if I said I wasn’t attractive in my own way hahahaha.

So! The conclusion is pretty much this. Even if in the end, things with Steph and me don’t work out, sure, I’d be missing out on the awesomeness that is her and her personality and cuteness to me, but at the same time, she’d be missing out on me and the awesomeness that is me and the energy that I bring B< ahahaha. Then again though, we had a moment last last week where she said that if I was to be her boyfriend she’d want sex from me. Heh. Of course you do, I’d want sex from me too. LOL. Ok JK That was just hilarious even to myself AHEM. But yes, getting back on topic, I know that she’s looking at that kind of future between us too, she just needs some time to settle into it, and as for me? I just need to be more and more awesome B< Don’t pressure her into it, but be supportive of her and show her how much of an awesome guy I can be ahahahaha

This kind of photos with us together. I look forward to more and more of it in the future, heck maybe even down to the day we finally settle down and be with each other. We know that we’re both worth it, so let’s just do it B< ahahahaha

 

hamster off and out.

Bandung

Almost as fast as it started, the Bandung trip comes to an end. A close. I would say that... A lot of things happened on this trip, a lot of good, but also a lot that makes me question some stuff. I think overall though, it's been more than fruitful for the both of us. I got to share a room and take plenty of pictures with the girl I like after all.

There were times during the trip that I felt we were getting closer, despite things like the somewhat interesting rejection of a lot of physical contact on the last day, or rather the night of the second last day. It didn't affect much of the trip overall, but I did question why she only decided to really bring it up now and not earlier, and she said because she was unsure about it. I honestly think that she's a bit conflicted with it, and it only really began to surface on the last day, as the first day and the times after, she was rather receptive to the whole thing, never mind rejection. Still, I mean while her words at the end took me by surprise a little, I guess I can't be too shocked by it either. I think that to me, she's afraid of going into something too quickly, recalling all the times in the past things perhaps didn't work out the way she wanted it to, having given too much, somewhat devaluing her actions; make them feel cheap if you will.

I mean of course, I feel that it's unfair to me that I go through this, and I guess a part of me does wonder if it's just something to do with me rather than her, but she does a lot to assure me it's just her and that she needs time to settle into it and not feel pressured, forced and what not by it.

I would wait. I would wait as long as needed be. I want this to work. I like her a lot and she likes me too, and I'm sure one way or another we both want this to work out into something, but she has her own issues to face with at the moment, and unfortunately, I'm at the heart of it. I feel shy to say this, but the number of times as well, I woke up middle in the night, just for a short while, to see her sleeping nearby me, made me feel really happy and made my heart skip more than a few beats. I know that she said jokingly that after this trip I would probably be sick of seeing her, but I just want to see more of her, and see her smile.

Having someone like her say that she likes me is something that I'm not sure that I am able to fully accept her, probably because of my insecurities. I start to think about how a girl like this, so pretty and beautiful couldn't possibly like someone like me right? I start to think about it a lot, too much even, and start to wonder if I'm fabricating a reality rather than living in it. I also start to think about how she said that she likes that I'm nice, treat her well, and am kind to her, but I wonder if that really is all it takes to form a strong bond with one another. The truth however, is sweeter than the fucked up things that I think of or my latent pessimism about things at time, and I feel blessed and lucky to have someone like her profess that she likes me and is thinking about us being together as boyfriend and girlfriend, the only thing she needs is time.

Maybe it's not because of all of the above then; maybe this just because I haven't been in love with someone for so long, and have that feeling returned to me somewhat, that I start to curse my love life and everything it entails. I mean, I know that I'm not exactly unlucky with my love life, having multitudes of girls approach me and stuff like that, but it really doesn't mean much to me, if you don't have the person you want. I could have a million other girls, but if it's not her I'd still be sad and melancholic about the whole thing.

She said that I probably like her more than she does me at this point in time, and she's not wrong. I think I love her. I think that her past is making her very guarded about her feelings and what she does with it, but I believe that things will get better in time. I believe in the smile and face when she looks at me. I believe that one day, it'll all work out.

I look forward to a future with more trips together, and time spent together.

Hamster off and out.

Close.

Man… maybe I’m just hitting that side of things already. Talked to her this afternoon, before I went and had a short nap, and I guess I’m like in that end already, as I started to have little mini dreams of her >_> They’re not anything special per se, but they do make me happy. Short dreams :x

Just woke up from a short dream where we were both cuddling close to each other, where she was putting her head on my shoulder, and leaning close to me, and I was holding her too. I could tell we were both happy in the dream… and… yeah that’s pretty much it XD a short dream that I had @_@ certainly made me wake up with a little bit of a smile on my face I’ll say that much. * w *

Hahaha maybe one day we’ll have the real thing. Maybe. Maybe it’s not too far off from now. Maybe. I really like spending my time with her. I really like talking to her, I really like joking around with her, I really like being an idiot with her. I really like being myself with her. I really like seeing her smile at me. I really like her. I don’t want to keep my hopes up too high, but I’m hoping this is really it.

hamster off and out.