Random thoughts

In the lab now. Really bored. My system seems to be acting up kinda. It’s becoming really slow and somewhat unbearable. I have a feeling though, that it really has something to do with the hard drive, as the area that my palm is over, the hard drive area, seems to be heating up quite a bit and it’s becoming rather uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that the culprit is none other than the hard drive, and I suspect that it’s more so to do with the fact that I have a slower toshiba hard drive in here, one that spins at a pathetic 5,400 rpm.

Even as I type now my system seems to be caving in a little, and I’m sincerely hoping that it’s got nothing to do with my processor or what not to be honest. Bah. I don’t know what to do with this laptop for now. I may just try and restart itself to see if it works better :\

In other sort of semi related news, I guess that I am understanding people and you know, human psychology a bit more after getting back to Australia. In a foreign country all alone and with no one else really around you, as in without family around, I realise that there is a craving for… companionship that starts to creep up once again, that makes me crave even stronger to have a girlfriend, something that wasn’t as apparent back then in Malaysia. I guess that’s what being abroad does to you. Maybe that’s what TZ went through when she was in London. In many ways, of course I can’t blame her for what happened. I know that I say a lot of things here, but hey, it’s just me being bitter about everything I guess. I know that the reality is a bit more different than what’s actually going on. I fully understand this.

Regardless, I understand that that’s another part of my life, probably one that has ended already. Meh. I’m just pondering stuff. I’m quite happy where I am now. Pondering and thinking about stuff that’s all. don’t mind me.

Melbourne once again

Consider this part of mobile blogging as well. This is one of the first times that I find myself really capable of opening up my laptop in an airplane, and blogging on it, because it’s fast to start up, and also because it’s light and easy to use :| Normally I don’t really do this, but I’m a bit bored anyway, so I thought I’d give it a bit of a shot hahaha. The time now is 12:13am . I’m on my way to Melbourne for a month, and I’m actually expected to arrive a bit earlier, at about 8:00am (the previous expected arrival time was about 8:20am).

I only have about 11% of battery left on my laptop, but if the internal indicator is anything to go by, this is expected to last me about 30 minute. Pretty good time if I might say so myself. Life has been quite good and fair to me so far. I’m quite happy working with this company that I’m in so far. Sure, I have to work when I’m here in Australia on supposed holiday, but don’t be mistakened, I do enjoy the work that I do, so I don’t really view this as a problem. I’m actually looking forward to the end of next month where I get my largest pay check ever of 6,450 ringgit hahhahah. Quite a huge sum isn’t it. Apart from that, even when I’m back to Malaysia in a month or so, I’m still expected to work from home for an additional 3 more weeks, so I’m really enjoying the working conditions. All I gotta make sure to do then is just to deliver the work that I promise. After all, they’re already giving me so much. I’m still getting those hardware upgrades as well, when we move to the newer office in mid November. I know I didn’t really want to go the corporate route, but I’m really enjoying the job, and it’s a nice feeling knowing that you’re employed and earning, and not just a free-loader in life.

More additional news comes in the form of my car, the Honda Hybrid. The other day, someone rammed me from behind. Sigh. It’s not that major though the damages, though they did end up killing my rear driver side reflector. I did a search online, and pulled out a price quote of 200 ringgit and 50 for the installation fee, and so I charged the dude that much to repair my car. Bringing it today to the service centre, I found out that the official service centre was selling it for bloody 160 ringgit, and I got 15% off as well. :| Oh well, make a bit extra (I was originally planning to charge him about 300 as well, 250 now seems like it was the right amount to charge, though of course I didn’t take into consideration the labour costs to place my bumper back on correctly =_=).

The most exciting part about this arrangement though, is that yours truly will be getting a new car. Why? Because they sold off the Myvi, and me and my brother have been juggling and using the Honda for our daily lives. I don’t really need to say that It’s quite a mess, seeing as we both have our own shit to do. Appointments get missed and people start arriving late. That’s why me and my dad have been moving around looking for a new car, and after a lot of searching and stuff like that, I may just end up with a Lexus as my real car that I choose myself O_O Can you imagine that D: Me a Lexus? WHOOP WHOOP. Such awesome x3. It’s a Lexus CT200H, a hybrid car, that was previously priced at about 200,000 ringgit, but because of Malaysian tax levy on hybrid vehicles (environmental and stuff) and also a 10,000 rebate from Lexus themselves, the car is down to a much more easy to swallow value of 159k. I understand that this is still expensive of course, but consider this. This car used to be way more expensive, and you’re getting quite the premium vehicle at a good price. I went and test drive the car today, and it was quite fun to drive. Well, it’s what you’d expect from a hybrid, but at least it’s a lot more sturdy than say… my Honda (which will now be driven by my brother). Still. I’m happy enough that I got to be actively in the process of choosing the car, and not to mention I get to choose the colour, and also I’m the primary user of the car x3 Oh, did I forget to mention that we may be getting the seat colours in Ivory? * A * SUCH SEXY IN THIS ONE I SWEAR.

On the semi relationship front, or rather I should say lack thereof, even though that much was said and done on that day, Alexis and myself only seem to be growing closer and closer to each other to be honest. She’s showing more and more signs of liking me, while not outwardly saying it, she realises this as well, and projects it towards my way a little. It makes me happy I guess, that even with me leaving to Australia, she told me that she can’t help but feel a little sad and melancholic that I was leaving, even for a month. I don’t know what’s really going to happen to the both of us though. I really don’t know how I feel about her. On one hand, I think I love her, but on others, I don’t think that things are really that simple to really say with such certainty. I mean, she came over to the house the other day, and we watched a movie with each other on the bed, but some how though the opportunity set itself right to make a move on her, I felt that there wasn’t any need to. It may just be me wanting to take things slow, or me not having any feelings at all, though I think that’s kinda not true as well. I clearly have feelings for her, I just don’t know what kind of feelings that’s all I guess.

I’m really looking forward to being in Melbourne again, though I don’t really consider a month’s in Melbourne to be long at all. I’m really missing the Melbourne weather, given that the past few days in Malaysia were bloody fucking hot at close to 32-34 celcius. It’s nice to step into the more reasonable land of 24-9 again hahaha. Of coures, I miss the life there, the scenery there, and the people… But I don’t know, as much as I miss Melbourne and I really like it, I can’t really say that my life in Malaysia is crap as well. In fact, things only seem to be getting better and better for me, as I feel that I have hit some sort of apex in my life and my career. It doesn’t really help though, that my dad starts talking to me about shit like settling down in like… 2-3 years time and shit like that… I don’t know. I feel like it’s still way too early for me, that and I don’t really have anyone like that in my life now (and I would like to presumably know the girl for about 2-3 years before I do anything like pop the question to marry her. Gosh, even that thought now is such a scary one. I wonder how I managed to really think about anything like that before so easily :|

Laptop shut itself off even though it said I had way more battery left lol. Anyway yeah, It’s about 2:12pm now, and I’m back in the Exertion Games lab. I’ll be heading back to Chad’s place now, then later I’ll do another post that recaps what I did and stuff.

 

Laters blog,

hamster off and out

Blog posts from a new laptop

So. What’s up. Once again, I find myself with a new laptop, though this time something that I’m quite happy with and something that I feel is more up to par with what I do and the things that I do. I feel that this machine will be the one that will help take me that distance, and that’s a good thing :D It’s still go quite a long way before truly becoming powerhouse like I really like it, but hey, at least I get that option to get there when I need/ want to :3 It’s all about options after all, and as long as the base is good, I’m pretty  set.

But enough of the laptop for now. Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about… work. Yes, work. I’ve been hired by Captivate for a 1 year contract to work with Samsung :o Yep, I’ll be working under Samsung. Needless to say, I can’t really get into the details of it due to an NDA agreement. Still, the bit that I’m really happy about at least right now is the fact that comparing with my first job that I ever took in Malaysia, that paid me a measly 1.2k, these guys are putting down 4.3 k for my services :3 It’s certainly a much more decent pay than what I was ever getting before, and I’m damn happy about it. XD

The good part is also, if I feel that I need new hardware to help me develop for them, I can just ask and they’ll cover it under company expenses, so that’s always awesome :3 hahaha I’m not planning to abuse it of course, but there are certain things in my mind that I’ve taken quite the interest to, so consider me… intrigued to this deal they’re offering me. I’m planning to upgrade my system to an SSD, and even that they’re willing to cover for me, how awesome is that XD hahahah.

Well, apart from that, the company that I’m actually doing this work for, Samsung, will probably be giving me a brand new phone to play with as well * A * Galaxy Note 3 baby!!! XD Things may actually be looking up for me now, as I have quite the kick ass job that I don’t have to really turn in for (3 days a week, even then, not full day, just a few hours here and there) So yeah, quite a good amount of money to last me for a year while I work on other things (yes, I’ll still have the time to do that, just maybe not in the first few weeks).

Hmm. in regards to the love life situation, things aren’t so bad I guess. I have no idea how, but shit kinda sorted itself out. I’m not asking for much anyway, so if it all works out it’s all so much the better. Lets see how things work out.. I guess. I don’t really want to be too excited about it just yet. :\

Briggs Meyer

ENTJ

Extravert(1%)  iNtuitive(25%)  Thinking(12%)  Judging(1%)

• You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
• You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (25%)
• You have slight preference of Thinking over Feeling (12%)
• You have marginal or no preference of Judging over Perceiving (1%)

I’ll just leave this here.

 

I used to be purely INTP, but over the years I’ve become a bit more of an ENTJ. Interesting isn’t it.

I’ve got shit to say in regards to love live as well, but not now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe then. It’s not as if shit got worse anyway, in fact, shit is kinda better in a weird way.

 

Hamster off and out

Familiar pain.

I uh... I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. It's a feeling I know all too well, and it's a feeling that I know that I myself have just overcome all too recently, from something that took me years to get over.

Heartache.

In particular, heartache, from perhaps the reality of things, and a broken heart. It stings, and I remember this sting all too well. It brings back way too many memories, and brings back way too many emotions. It's painful, yet at the same time, I know that it's undeniable, and I know that it's something I can't really fight as well. After all, it was my fault that I fell for someone way younger than me again, despite knowing what it would all entail.

Long story short, while she does have feelings for me, and while she took a month to decide it, she decided against it, and I think it's a perfectly logical decision as well. It's a decision made from the fact that she's not sure where she's going to end up months from now, and getting into anything now would just be shortlived and a recipe for disaster. God damn it, I know. I KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT ALL LEADS TO OKAY. FUCK.

I don't know how else to write out heartache, pain, disappointment, and most of all, to try and let go of any feelings and to try not to be selfish about me or my own feelings. It's not so much as it is about me after all, as much as it is as well, about her feelings. She knows based on my past what's going to happen, and from there she decided against it. Wise decision by any means. It hurts me like hell, but it's still wise none the less.

It's just that it all sucks you know? it really does. It really sucks to have feelings for someone, no matter how long you've had feelings for, and to just let go like that. I wasn't made for this kind of love. I try to act tough at times, to act confident, to be the person that I want to be, but in the end, inside, I'm still soft as mush, and I'm not sure how much can actually change that. It is a crappy situation to be in, yet I saw it coming a mile away.

Sometimes, I don't really know why I bother to feel or open up anymore. I was perfectly happy being single while it lasted, and I got a bit greedy I guess, and wanted more again. One could say that I satiated for what I had before, but maybe it's just not meant to be, not for me. The last thing I want to do anyway is to drag her down with me, into that state in which I kinda did drag TZ as well. Maybe I'm just doomed to make people suffer if they get into a relationship with me, so they're better off being single or dating other guys. Yeah. That.

So much hurt in my heart right now blog. So much hurt. I'll heal in time once again, but... I'm just really sick of this by now. Just... am. I should go back to being a recluse and  staying / living by myself. Life was so much easier back then.

Yang off.

Keyboard mashing

This is probably mobile blogging at it's finest. I'm currently writing on my phone right now, with a wireless keyboard, that is on my lap. A new wireless keyboard that I just bought though mind you, and it's quite the thrill to write on. A lot of fun. Also, I'm not looking at the keyboard or the screen right now. All this is typed with my eyes closed, lying on the bed, as I sort of internalise and stare into space a little. I'm bound to make mistakes and errors here and there, but I can always go back and review them later. But that's later.

I'm actually quite happy with things between me and Alexis right now. I mean sure, it's not really the relationship that I was looking for, but regardless, I'm quite happy. It's simple and well... slow. Maybe that's what I need right now. Just that shred of innocence once again, and without that need to try and grow up too quickly interms of relationships. A lot of it can come later. What's the rush anyway.

I actually thought at one point that she was avoiding me. It seems though, that I may have just been overthinking things and that things are actually fine. They probably have always been, and it's just been me all this time that has veen thinking too much about thing. I guess.

I'm trying not to worry to much about it. I know that nothing much will come out of it, so I guess I'm attempting to enjoy it just that little bit more before the time comes where we must eventually go our separate ways. Maybe.

I do think of what it's like if lets say, she ended up studying in Australia, and preferably Melbourne. Would things change? How would like proceed when that happens? Would we be an actual couple then? Would the relationship get more serious? All hypothesis, and nothing solid right now. All I can do is wait and find out.

hamsteyr off and out.

P.S. This was more of an exercise in how well I can type on my phone with a wireless keyboard without looking at what I'm typing, as well as enjoying the keyboard, rather than just blogging per se. It was fun xD

One step forward, Two steps back

Mmmmmm… things nearly happened llast night. Nearly. I was out for a date with her, and well, yeah. I guess things are quite close right now :\ Thing is though that even though it’s as such, it doesn’t really make it any less complicated of sorts. I guess it’s because of the understanding that both of us probably won’t have that much time together anyway, and so to do such would be just an exercise in futility, and just being plain silly. Really, I do get it. It still doesn’t quite make it any less sad though.

Once again, I find myself between this rock and a hard place situation, where I actually saw it coming, but obviously chose to ignore it. For all intents and purposes, I don’t really want to behave as if the same thing is bound to happen as well. Nay, I don’t think that that would be very productive for my mental cognitive state. Still, I understand what this all brings about, and I can’t really say I welcome it, but obviously, if it has to be, it has to be right? what good is there in repeatedly denying it or fighting it all the time.

To put long story short, I think that both of us aren’t really looking for anything too serious. She described it as a fling, not the exact word that I would use though. Sounds almost too similar to fuck buddy. I know that she likes me too, if not she wouldn’t agree to going out on all these dates with me, or have no objection to me holding her hand, or really have no objection to me kissing her, not as if these have happened though, just that I have told her about it lol. :|

I did tell her that I really didn’t mind getting into a relationship with her. I assumed of course though, that that’s what she wanted, seeing as that she went on about it with me before on how she did feel like she wanted to be in one, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I think in the end we sort of settled that we’re probably good not being in one, so in a way, yes, I was rejected on that offer of being in a relationship, but she still seemed as if she still wanted to be close to me, and to go out with me, even be in romantic things with me. It’s like a relationship without a relationship. The benefits without the commitment. In the end, it sounds just like friends with benefits.

Okay, maybe not to that extent, but with things approaching the crossroads really soon, I can see why she would feel that this would be the best option, heck, even I was worried about this, and I do feel that this is a good option as well. I mean, I am slightly sad, but at the same time, I know that things like labels and commitment don’t really matter to me right now. There’s more to life to explore beyond that of that with me I guess. There’s that clear understanding that if you did somehow get into one with me, in one way or another, disaster ensues.

Maybe that’s just my fate after all. Sure, what’s the point of getting the girl, if you can’t be with them at all. In the end really all that makes me is just a guy who knows how to get his way around girls (that sounds terrible, but I assure you that there is hardly any exploitation involved), but will always somewhat be alone at this point. I tried going full on out with TZ, didn’t work at all did it.

Idk. I want things with me and A to work out. At the same time, I don’t know how much of a future I see between both of us. Sure I may like her a lot, love her even, but at that very same time, I am highly doubtful of how far we’ll go, if any at all. Maybe it’s really indeed as she says, a fling. Makes me sad to believe it as so, but maybe that’s really how it is.

Man, I just don’t know. In many ways, I’m happy now, but I know, that there’s plenty looming around the corner, much that it’s kinda like cut yourself loose, or brace yourself for the incoming storm. It’s a tough position to be in, especially when you don’t fell like really letting go.

A is a nice girl. She’s got a bit of an issue with self esteem, but she’s still fun to be with. She knows that what we have between us may not last long, and even though she doesn’t really want to get into anything serious as of so far, she doesn’t seem to want to let me just go by as well. She seems to like me very much as well, if not a lot of this would not be happening.

Idk. Tough times. Stupid decisions. What to do even.

 

 

Hamster off and out.

Derp

5:16am. I actually slept at about 10:30 just now. I was so damn tired, and I’m not even sure why, that I just collapsed and slept till about 2am, and here I am, awake, just roaming the corners of the internet till I feel sleepy again, while listening to good music.

Managed to sell off my older Asus laptop today. It’s been with me for a while, and being able to sell it for about 1.1k makes me quite a happy person. It’s like I think over 5 years old, and has served me very well during that time. After I sell off my Sony as well, which is going to be tomorrow, I’m probably gonna get my new laptop on Wednesday, one that I feel can really back me up and the kind of work that I do often.

At the moment, okay, no not really at the moment, but I’m currently working on a project for a friend, where I’m doing some CG and animation for film. It’s not particularly a very long and complex CG, but I feel that it’s good training, at least for something that I like to do as well. I’m trying to do my best in it, and I’m getting paid to do it as well, so that’s always a good thing. I guess if I find myself doing well in it, I wouldn’t mind doing these kind of jobs on the side. They stretch my creative boundaries to a level that I’m quite happy/ comfortable with.

And I forgot to finish this yesterday before I went off to sleep >_> so here’s me completing it the next day at 7:36pm when I realised that I hadn’t posted it yet :| lol

 

Hamster off.