If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

Hot dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
If I fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pulled and I push too deep then I'll fall right back to you

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?
Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Why have you not disappeared in me

In Penang for a short 2 days one night, actually leaving in a few hours back to KL. I doubt I will be able to visit the post office in time upon reaching back, but who knows. (I highly doubt it). Penang... Is one of those places that I really do like to an extent, given that there is a scar on it's face now, given that it reminds me of Tze Ni so heavily that I am affected by it, and start rebelling in my own way from it. Sad. I really like Penang though.

If I remember correctly, even this morning I had a dream with Tze Ni in it. I don't really remember much of it, but I do recall it's contents being one where we were back together again. I don't really think that I want to get back with her, at least anytime soon, but if you can consider then that dreams could be a window of sorts into my heart, then you can easily perhaps say that I'm still missing her and loving her a lot. Sure, I guess that's one way to say it. I still am not keen on getting back with her if she's the very same person she was before though. I'm way past that stage, and I feel that I really need someone different, someone that I can really live life and settle down with and you know, things like that.

I have been chatting with a few other girls recently, though I don't know if they really mean that to me. At least nothing too important I feel. Maybe. I don't know. Even if there is something in me, that is, interest in other girls, I still think that the closest candidate, Alexis, is way too young for me. Not that will stop me from being a bit naughty and flirtatious, but it will certainly stop me from getting too serious with her. She seems to not really care that I am older than her though, but I think that whatever she may have for me isn't really that serious or deep anyway, just maybe friends playing around, being a little bit flirtatious, nothing serious. Perhaps that's really what I need at the moment. Perhaps this is actually what I'm wanting now. I mean, I have mentioned before that I am more sexually frustrated than anything else these few days, probably stemming largely from the fact that nothing too big ever came out of me and Tze Ni, and I haven't been in a relationship with contact in a while so yeah... I'm just missing that a lot I guess. Just contact.

The terrible thing for me though is that even with all of that said, and even with me saying that I don't want to date Tze Ni again anytime soon, I still stare at my left hand from time to time, the hand that used to hold hers and only hers all the time, and to be honest, I feel more than apprehensive to hold the hands of any others, as if to nullify all that it ever meant to me. Sure, I have really shoved her to the back of my mind at this point, to the point that I have really made her a small part of my life but the fact that she's still important to me is one of those things that eat into me slowly I guess. As terrible and as imperfect as she is, she's still someone dear to me, and perhaps someone that I still love. It's a difficult life that I live at this point, but at least I have work to keep me company and my mind active and busy and preoccupied from all of these things. I kinda don't want to be thinking about serious relationships after all, and well... thinking about serious relationships has her coming to mind the first thing out.

So what is there left in all of this? Am I still hoping for something to come off of it? Am I still trying to pit some hopes into the idea of us? I would be lying if I did not say yes to any of this. I believe in being truthful and transparent to myself after all, and so yeah, I think that one part of me has really reserved my heart to just her, whether I like it, or would like to admit it. I just hope that this year will be kind to me and my heart. I am not the kind to jump around on girls after all... >_>

hamster off and out. Out of Penang, to Ipoh, then back to KL.

2013

First post of the year. Not really a post on the first day of the year, but still something relatively close, 4 days in. I was in a 48 hour game development competition with Chad just now, but it’s all for naught, because I don’t want to point fingers, but he didn’t really keep up his end of the bargain very well, and that made me quite angry at him, especially since he was the one who dragged me into this. You can imagine that I wasn’t too pleased with this.

Strange shit over and over again. I wake up this morning to see some notifications on my Facebook. One of them was Tze Ni liking one of the statuses I posted, like… okay…? >_> wtf. I clicked on it, and it seemed to be the old photo (well, when we were dating back then) of the stuff I sent to here from Australia to Malaysia. Based on the notification, she had liked my comment on the photo, and judging by how the status later disappeared, I assumed she ended up liking then unliking the comment to the photo. Strange in the sense that it was a photo taken 2 years ago, and there she was looking at it, and liking my comment to it then? Call it strange, because I don’t really know what else to call it. It baffles me, yet at the same time I try not to care that much anymore. She was the one who decided she wanted me out of her life, not me, so yeah. I’ll leave it at that. She’s just weird for someone who is supposedly seeing someone else.

On that stranger note of things, Tze Ni’s aunty, the one who was living in Bandar Utama just called me like a few minutes ago. Imagine my surprise. She is apparently opening some business with her husband around golfing products, and he’s one of the sole distributors in Malaysia, and she was looking for people to help market it? I found that in itself weird, but it seems that Cheng Lan (I’m assuming Tze Ni’s mom’s sister) talked to Tze Ni’s mom about it, and apparently Tze Ni’s mom pointed her my way :| I mean, I don’t mind, and I actually do find it interesting, but at the same time I find it weird >.> Oh well. I’ll go over during the weekend to see what it’s all about I suppose. She seems rather keen on having me take a look at her husbands product, for whatever reason. Why me is the question I’m propping out at the moment.

I seem to find myself intertwined with her family or fate one way or another, even when I try not to get too involved with them at all. Ah Xuan has been contacting me rather frequently these days, not sure why, asking me to come over to Penang, and that she and Ah Ma would love to have me around and things like that. The fact that Ah Ma still wants to see me is… I don’t know, maybe Tze Ni should tell them that she’s seeing someone new (provided she really is) so that they don’t really call me out like this. I don’t dislike it to be fair, I just don’t think it’s okay anymore, given the circumstances of things. Still, I just end up telling them sometime in the future when I find myself in Penang again, but even then, I’d rather not complicate matters for here by seeing them. It’s not really the matter of me, it’s really a matter of them and her. I’m easy going either way, and I can go in either direction, I just don’t want to cause trouble for her, and if she really wants to live a happy life with a guy in London that is devoid of me, I can respect and uphold that.

Of course, it doesn’t really help that I have had dreams of Tze Ni time and time again, though I don’t post it much on here. I really do my best to not think of her, and just move on from all this shit (yes, she has caused me a lot of hardship, pain and strife with the actions she has chosen to do), but life seems to just love doing otherwise, and shoving it into my face. It’s like a slow torture of something you can’t really say no to as well. :< The only issue of course with this dream with Tze Ni is that it’s just weird, with her coming into my house and eating my food (LOL I know right) and then later in the dream saying that she’ll be back in February. So weird. SO FREAKING WEIRD. IF THAT’S NOT WEIRD I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. I don’t even know if it’s true or not, but if it is, fuck, that would be really weird shit.

Bleh. I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m not looking at other girls with the intention of getting with them. If anything, my attraction to other girls now is a clear sign of a mild sexual frustration that I’m having, and I admit it. Yes, I am lusting a little, but it’s under control, and the very fact that I know it’s not because I want to have a relationship with these girls that I like them, is one of the main reasons I will stop myself from it and stay away from it. Given that, I still don’t want to get back with Tze Ni right now. Why? Over the course of the time we’ve been away from each other, I realised that she’s not what I want and need right now. I really need a grown up, a woman who is stable and you know, will be there for me without having to worry about the stupid shit like this. I need someone whom I can grow old with, and it’s even more so prominent for me now, now that I’m turning 26 this year. I don’t want just a fling or a one night stand. I want someone that I can be with, love life and live life with you know? I want something beautiful and just calm and stable, and I don’t know if Tze Ni is the one who can give this to me anymore. Call me skeptical, she just looks like she just wants to enjoy and have fun in life at the moment, with not much strings attached. The only time I’d probably reconsider her again is if she really grew up to be more than just a young girl with aspiring dreams, to which I’m not even sure if she’s taking the right steps towards, but I leave that up to her. I don’t know, she doesn’t seem very down to earth at the moment and that bugs me.

I told myself this before, and I think it strikes itself true. Perhaps the Tze Ni that I once knew back then doesn’t exist now, or rather, never really did. Perhaps this is all her true self, and that all she had presented to me back then, all that talk of love and settling down, simple life, being just in love and stable, was all a lie, because I just don’t see that in her now anymore. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s the impressions I get. Sigh. I don’t really know what to think of her anymore, and at the same time, I just don’t have the energy to find out anymore. She has drained a lot of this from me already, and I am just tired. I really just am tired. I don’t have the energy to mingle with other girls anymore, I get tired of doing so, or flirting and all that shit, so much so that I just don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I’d rather be alone at this point in time, even if it means I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, if it means having to deal with a handful at the moment.

So yeah. What does that leave me with? it leaves me in the state at which I have no idea what the fuck she’s doing, what the hell her family is doing, what she is telling them, what is real and what is isn’t and just what the fuck is going on. Because of all these stupid questions, and also all the shit that is going on in my life at the moment, that just only leads me to feel disappointed in people, I am tired. I really just am tired. I’m tired of chasing girls, I’m tired of liking girls, I’m tired of the stupid drama, I’m tired of the complications and complexities, and I’m tired of the shit. All I ever really wanted was to have someone that I could love with all my heart, and just hold with me and make her happy. That in itself, was enough to make me happy, but even that seems like too much to ask for I find, so I don’t think I’ll jump back into the market anytime soon. If I extrapolate things as they are right now, I’d probably only find another girl again when I hit 30, or never. Hah.

Life is just like that for me. I really do take things seriously, and I’m all about gaining and achieving results. I don’t like doing things that have no benefit in them, relationships included, if I don’t see anything good coming out of them anytime soon.

I’ll leave it all at that. I still love her, but I’m also still in pain, and it’s also because of her. So yeah. Fuck all this shit, life needs to just give me something worthwhile or leave me the fuck alone.

 

 

Hamster off and out, Nobody ever said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be bat shit stupid and complicated either. See, LDRs are just hard in general, but with a target. Everything that’s going on now? it’s just stupid.