I wonder since when this feeling really started gripping me.
I wonder since when so much of what I do or rather don't do has been dictated by it.
Even the smallest of things, the most insignificant of things seem to be affected by it, and when I realise it, take a step back and look at it, it is truly mind boggling.
Oddly, it took me watching the person that I was back when I did youtube videos to really reflect on who I am now a little.
Even something as mundane as reinstalling a FEP sheet on my resin 3d printer, something that I've done at least twice to date is causing me to lock up and go into inaction.
Why?
Because of fear.
Really doesn't make a lot of sense I know, but I think I fear making mistakes. I fear fucking up. I wanna do things perfectly, so I build up so much expectations to do things perfectly to the point where even thinking of what can go wrong paralyses me.
Yes, even for something as simple and mundane as re-installing a FEP sheet on a 3d printer, something that I have definitely done before.
When I caught myself having thoughts of procastination to do it some other time because I'm scared of fucking it up, is when I know that something is wrong with me.
In the end I just went through with it and... nothing went wrong. It worked just fine.
Sure I felt a little bit intimidated by it the entire time, but again, the words I tell others and myself, a single mistake (the word failure is too harsh) is hardly ever catastrophic.
And here it is after all that, re-installed and working.
Why am I so afraid? Why am I so scared?
Why am I like this now, so afraid to mess up to the point where I don't even get anything done at all?
Whatever happened to my more devil may cry attitude?
I used to be braver, more brazen, why am I more sheepish now?
I think more importantly, how do I be braver? is it because I've been faced with way too much failure lately? has that stripped away my confidence and my bravado?
What kind of steps should I take to really reclaim my life and my personality?
I don't really know but at the same time... I feel weirdly at peace knowing that I at least know what it is all this time.
I'm scared.
