Today I’m writing this in on a bit more of a somber note. I’m writing this in because things with me and Steph have come to a stop, at least for now. It’s to as if I didn’t see it coming to be honest, as the signs were all there, it’s just that the actual thing it self happening is just quite a lot to take in right now, and while I do this this is the best course of things, I am sad that it had to happen this way, but as I said, the signs were always there.
During the first weeks of us being together, to be honest, things were good. Progress was good, and we were close. I’ve mentioned it before I think as well on how during the Bandung trip, despite the ending, I felt that we were close as there was physical contact at the time, and even that whole thing with her cuddling into me and falling asleep on my shoulder. Me kissing her head each night and things like that. I really did feel like things were off to a good start. That’s where it started to go downhill though. After she started to say that she was uncomfortable with it, it started to snowball onto a lot more other things that she was uncomfortable with. She does tell me that she does like me and she wants to try something out with the both of us, but at the same time, she was getting more and more distant from me, almost like pulling herself away from getting too close.
See, this is the part where it got a bit weird for me as well. While on chat, we could sound quite loving at times, with intentions to get close with one another, things when we met in person were quite different to be honest. She felt more distant. She felt more reserved she felt… almost as she said, uncomfortable. While she would at times lean in closer to me almost like wanting to lie on my shoulder and things like that while in the cinemas, she would at times back out of it after a while and just go back into her normal seating position. I could see that she was definitely trying and trying to make it work, but at the same time there was something that just wasn’t really working out in her head, something wasn’t really sitting right with her I guess and that something was holding her back. Of course with me saying all of this, it’s clearly stating that I could see it. I could see everything as it unfolded in front of me, and while she would at times deny it, I could see what was going on. At first of course, it perplexed me, but after a while, I kind of knew what it really was, it’s just that I chose not to really accept it at the time, thinking that maybe it’s just me that is thinking otherwise, and that’s when I looked to her to give e some form of reassurance that maybe it’s just me being silly and thinking too much into things. In the end it turns out that I was right and that I had every right to do so. She was conflicted and I could tell.
Over time, I could tell that she was getting more cautious, more afraid, more hesitant, more reluctant to get closer to me. I could tell she knew that wasn’t what was supposed to happen, but at the same time she knew that that’s what she felt. In the end it led us to where we really are today. I feel like a lot of what’s going on right now can really be directly attributed to what has happened to her in the past, more specifically the guys whom she has dated before me. She gave a lot to them, she kisses, she gave hugs, she gave a lot, but at the same time they didn’t work out the way she had planned them to. This is what I felt led to her being so apprehensive about these things now, feeling like she’s giving them away too quickly and too easily and controlling the output of that. See, I don’t think that that is wrong in any way or mean, but I think that she’s really enforcing it too heavily, as she instead became too overly cautious with me, and refusing to give anything away, because she was afraid of what might have happened maybe if we didn’t work out. Even with the Aussie guy whom which she cared about a lot, she got tossed aside and moved on as he went and got married to another girl not long after. All of this combined has really taken a toll on her mentally whether she really likes to admit it or not, and it directly affected the way she treated me when we were dating.
After a while, it did reach a point of frustration for me and I believe some for her as well. She wanted me to tell other people that I was seeing someone, but at the same time, I don’t know if I could really say it, as while we were supposedly dating, I could really feel like we were, as much as we were just two people hanging out with one another; the artificial barrier was really pushing me away and making it very difficult for me to approach at all. On her end, I think that she was trying to convince herself that she was seeing and dating someone and she would have to behave a little like it, but it didn’t feel right to her, she didn’t feel right with it. The number of times that I would call her out on these things she would get angry about it, and I think rightfully so; it wasn’t exactly something she could control or deal with right now, and at the same time, she had a lot of things going on with work. Me on the other hand felt like it was driving a wedge between us.
This of course led to where we are today. We had the talk last night. While the nature of the talk itself is sad and sombre, we did at least reach an understanding with one another last night. She told me that she understands completely if I ended up hating her, and never wanted to talk to her again, but I told her that I couldn’t do that, I didn’t want that, because I still liked her anyway, and I still believe it’s circumstantial more than anything else. I told her that I still wanted to be friends with her of course, we both agreed that she’s just not emotionally ready to be n a relationship of sorts right now, we agreed that things aren’t really working out right now, due to this and the different needs for the both of us right now, and that she needs her time and space to think for herself and to compose her thoughts.
I told her that I still really do like her and care for her, and perhaps it’s because of that that right now, I think it’s just for the best that we just don’t talk for a while, maybe a month or so, then perhaps after that, we start talking again more often and what not, but just as friends. Romantic feelings aside, I still do enjoy talking to her, and I enjoyed the moments when we would talk so very often with one another, about the stupid things and what not. Maybe what could happen then is that I would make a move again once I feel that maybe things have gotten better for the both of us. I don’t know when that may be, but I still want to try and find out. I don’t hate her, and she doesn’t hate me. I understand what she wants, and I understand that she just can’t give me what I want right now. She’s still a nice sweet girl deep down and I know it, despite all the damage that has been caused to her over the years of these guys doing her wrong. I told her that I would message her in the future when I think that things are perhaps better between us, and she replied to me saying that she would be waiting for that message to come.
I told her as well that I’m not the kind of guy to simply give up on things, and I believe in being persistent and fighting for what I want. I don’t know if my feelings for her in the future may change, but honestly, as I am right now, I feel like I want to slowly try, from behind the lines, to make things work between us, because unlike most of the other girls until now, I feel that us being together in the future, as more than just people dating, as more than just boyfriend and girlfriend, as partners in life, can be something so incredibly awesome and wonderful, and honestly something really worth fighting for. I honestly believe that there’s a good reason why we clicked together so quickly, why we got attracted to each other so quickly, why we were so drawn to one another, why we were just so interested in one another, and I intend to find it out.
Nothing in my life has been easy. Everything I have done, has been accompanied by some kind of fight and a desire not to give up. Just like how I’ve landed myself in a job that I love now, with people here that are honestly quite awesome, I feel that I’m going to apply the same principles to this, to my approach to her. What I need to do now is to lay low and give her space and time, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on the both of us; No, on the contrary, I’m only just getting started in my quest.
hamster off and out
