I actually wrote a lot more before this. I actually wrote a lot more, but my computer decided to freeze halfway on me last night, and I was way too tired to even think of continuing my writing. I actually wanted to write a lot last night ,because well… I was in one hell of a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt that if I didn’t at least write it down yesterday, as morning breaks I would forget about it all. Oh how wrong I was about that.
My Sydney tri I think has been nothing short of amazing. I think that it’s safe to say that prior to the actual trip taking place, I actually had a very bad expectation of it. Of course, why wouldn’t I. After having booked the tickets to Sydney, it dawned onto me that I could possibly be making the very same mistakes that I did when it came to Tze Ni. Whether I like to admit it or not, I think that it’s really safe to say that my trip to London was nothing short of a disaster. Each day spent there was a struggle to wake up and smile each day, to try not and let the energy get sapped out of me, to remain strong and confident of the person of who I was. In the end though, it still took a toll on me. With that said, after having booked the flights to Sydney, the days that passed slowly brought the revelation onto myself that I could be heading into the same kind of mess again, that I was self inflicting this kind of damage to myself, that I should really expect the worst out of it, with her dating someone new already, or possibly being kicked out of the house. Oh how wrong I was about everything.
Let’s be clear about this though. In terms of our status, I don’t think that anything really changes. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, things aren’t really better, but at least we’re talking. Looking at it, I am surprised that she spent so much time and dedication on me while I was there, especially since she had exams this week as well. I felt bad about it, but in the end, she put in more time and effort into my stay there than I could possibly imagine. Even though we’re not really actively dating right now, and one could say that we’ve kinda stopped dating, I think our feelings for one another still remain and still linger, as I felt it in the conversations between us. It’s the little things that made me happy through the trip honestly. I’m happy that we talked and joked normally. I’m happy that we went places, smiled, laughed, and spent time with each other. I’m happy that she even flirted with me a little from what I felt, like the whole “Calm your tits woman!” and the “I can’t calm my tits when you’re around” hahaha. To me it was an unexpected retort to my joke, but at the same time I think it has a hint of something around it, especially the way she looked at me after that.
I know it doesn’t mean that much either, since I can’t really give her anything right now, but promises, but when I mentioned that I didn’t even know if she was seeing anyone else right now, it made me happy to hear her say that yes, while she has been trying to date new guys, and I know she doesn’t really hold back on that, nothing ever really came out of it, to which she said that it was maybe because she wasn’t really over me. I find that touching because we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, we were never a couple, and yet it felt like we didn’t really need that to have a strong connection with one another.
Another thing I thought was funny was how I expressed clearly that I think that I’m bad for her at this point in time, that she really needs to forget about me, that there’s really nothing that I can do for her to make her happy, and she’s better off finding someone else… and that perhaps maybe in the off chance things get better between us in terms of circumstances would I really try again. I find it funny how I expressed all of that, and even talked about how we should kind of forget and move on from one another, not talk and not see another, yet the day that came after, there was already talk coming from her that expressed things otherwise. We didn’t get to go to Bondi, yet she said that she’d bring me the next time I was around. I find it interesting how after that talk, she asked me if I was going to try and find a job in Australia when I was in Melbourne. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, but to me, that was just interesting, because in reply, I did say that I would try to apply for some, maybe even to Sydney, and she didn’t seem to have any objections against that.
It brought me amusement when she talked about how this other guy whom we were all out with at the time, was actually acting more tame than he normally does towards her, because he thought that me and her were still both dating, and he didn’t want to do anything unnecessary. I know that we’re not, but it still pleases me. I love it how we both sat on the couch, and watched Kenshin together, and even though we didn’t really hug or cuddle in the process of it all, we talked about the movie, joked about it and both enjoyed it, even when it was just the two of us.
Near the end when she had to send me off at the airport as well, I love it how she brought me in to hug me twice, and even joked about how if during my trip to Japan later in the year, if I got onto the wrong plane to Sydney, to make sure to come and see her. Honestly, her reactions towards me where all unprecedented and unpredicted. I expected the worst to come out of it and yet I couldn’t be more wrong about it.
Dear Blog, I know that there’s nothing really to be happy about, as things aren’t necessarily getting better, or anything like that, but I can’t seem to calm myself down. I can’t seem to remove this smile from my face, that turns into a smirk from time to time just thinking about it. I don’t really know why I’m like this, as I really thought that I had stopped loving her already, and even considered the idea that I was never really in love with her in the first place. Sometimes I looked at her when we were around, and just think to myself that perhaps this is just a phase that I’m going through, but her smile seems to melt me every single time, and the more we talk, the more I just thought to myself that I wanted to be with her.
You see, I’m perfectly aware of a lot of things. I’m aware that shit isn’t easy between us. I’m aware that it’s going to take a lot of effort to try and make things work. I’m aware that she’s not the prettiest or cutest girl around. I’m aware that she’s absolutely not ladylike at times, and she can be so crass and rude at times. I’m aware about all these kind of things, and how they’re things that usually send me running for cover, and yet at the same time, I can’t stop this beating heart from beating. I can’t stop myself from smiling when I think of her and what could be. Heck, I don’t even know if she’s the one I want to be with in the end, and even though to me, logic says that she’s hardly the most ideal partner for me, I can’t help but to get excited about the idea of us being together.
I can’t help but laugh. I can’t help but smile. I can’t help but think about it. I can’t really stop this lightness in my step. I can’t really stop this beating in my heart. I can’t quite stop thinking about how it would be like with us together. I did my best to try and stop things from escalating any further during this trip, with the intention even to just sever things off, yet I find myself walking out with a completely different tone and attitude.
In the end, I think what it comes down to, is that I can’t help myself from singing these songs.
hamster off and out.
