An exercise in futility

It’s just funny how this “talk” that we were supposed to have all this time just leads to the very same answers as before. In the end, it comes off as just a bit useless as it turns out that she doesn’t even know what she wants enough to comment on it. In the end because of that I feel a bit used and insignificant. I don’t know if it’s rightful for me to feel that, but it’s the case never the less.

Life could be a lot easier, but it rarely is for me. Nope, neither work life nor love life decide to make things easier for me. I just hope all this struggling and fighting will pay off.

Sincerity.

More late night writing. I can’t seem to sleep. It’s 4am now, and there’s just too much on my mind for me to actually get some good and decent rest. It’s because of the whole Alexis thing and the overthinking doesn’t quite help either.

In short, I decided against that kind of really harsh ultimatum kind of approach that I talked about earlier. After thinking about it thoroughly I felt that it wasn’t a good way around it. Instead I just opted to just let my feelings out and be truthful about it, be sincere about it. It all sounds fine and dandy, but I haven’t had a reply from her since I sent it off at 7pm and I saw her online all the way till 2am my time, which is 5am there. Needless to say my mind starts running more than a bit wild, wondering if she’s talking to some other guy.

I didn’t feel that I was doing the wrong thing though. I wanted to be a bit more free and open with it, rather than trying to force someone’s hand into making a decision. At this point in time, I’m alright if I get turned down, though admittedly I do feel as if I do love her and everything about her, but… I’ve learnt from the past; I’m being realistic about this whole entire thing and I understand that there’s just no leverage for me at the moment and that I’m just… some guy I guess, probably the same with TZ. Even then I still do try my best to make shit work. It’s just that I’ve come to realise that most of the times I’ve been the only one being extremely vocal about the trying and expressive about it. It makes me feel that I love too much and don’t get a lot in return. I wonder if it’s even right to think that way.

Either way, as things stand now, I’m not going to message her. I am under the understanding that she’ll reply me when she’s had enough time to think about it, and give me a proper answer based on that. I feel that that’s really the best way around it. I will admit that I’m being driven about halfway insane right about now with this whole thing, but I’m being tolerant. I’m being understanding. I still don’t know whether she’ll reply or not, but I’m pretty sure that I’m important enough at least to deserve a reply and an answer.

I’m not keeping my hopes high however. If I had to give a rating on how likely the answer is to be good… I’d give it less than 40 percent. Maybe because I’ve lost my faith in love and the things that people would do for me. Maybe. I just don’t have any energy left in me to be hopeful about this kind of thing. All I can expect after having poured my heart out is that the person on the other end feels the same way, wants the same thing, and expresses it as such. I don’t know how likely that is to happen though. In short, I’m sad.

I’m also being driven about halfway insane from the overthinking and just… the unknown. How does she really feel about me. Am I just a fling. Will I ever be anything more. Will we ever be anything more. What will she choose. How is she feeling about this whole thing. Will we ever work out as a couple. Is this just a waste of time and have I just wasted my energy and heart and strength on something that was bound to fail… Possibly.

At this point what TZ said about me might just come into reality. I might just turn misanthropic about love. Maybe I already am.

I’m just tired of caring at this point as all it ever seems to bring is an aching, longing heart. One that tries so hard but gets so little in return.

I am sad, and sad to say, that’s back to being a status quo in my love life. I can’t remember the last time I was happy anymore.

Conclusions

I’m writing in because I draw parallels between what’s happening in my current situation to what has happened before. I know that this isn’t the first time that I have had to deal with something like this. This feeling I’m going through however sad it mad be isn’t exactly foreign to me, but maybe that’s why it’s just heart wrenching; because I still remember what it really feels like.

Perhaps to put things into better context, I believe that I have fallen for Alexis. I have fallen for Alexis in the love sense, and it is enough to have me forget a lot of things in my past and the shit that I went through. In short I am happy, or at least was. I don’t know if things between us would ever work out. It feels like history is repeating itself once again, where I try really hard to make something work for someone who doesn’t believe strongly enough in the idea of an us, despite having similar feelings.

This is why I’m stopping myself short of going too far. I have learned by now. I have experienced too much shit to know that as much as it hurts, I have to stop what I’m doing and get a clear standing as to what we are and where things are going and make sure both parties just agree to this. In a way though, I feel that I already know the entire answer to this. Whether I like it or not, and whether it was intentional or not… I know that I have been used emotionally, and as understanding and kind as I can be, it still hurts like shit.

I should have seen it all coming perhaps. I mean in the beginning all I ever was was a fling to her, and I think up until this point, no matter how much our feelings for each other may have matured, I think that’s all I’ll ever be at this point. Perhaps I pinned up hopes on something that didn’t even exist in the first place. Perhaps while I agreed to the idea of a fling, deep down I knew that I wanted something deeper than that and tried to achieve it. Maybe I’m just plain foolish.

Prior to this I was quite close and loving to her and I was very worried when the whole entire Sydney debacle with the hostage situation cropped up. I honestly was. I got a good amount of reciprocation as well when I told her about it, as she told me that she was very thankful that she had someone that was looking out for her, and she said that I have no idea how much that means to me. We talk lovey dovey sometimes, but when it comes to actual thinking about what we are and what to do on the long run, though I have my ideas on things, I think that she’s just avoiding it for now. Why do they always seem to avoid things. Why.

As a test of sorts I stopped messaging her for the whole of yesterday. I will stop messaging her for a while, just to see if she does get back to me. I feel replaceable. I feel like I don’t really matter at some point, that all she says right now to me is more of a general statement of having someone say those things to her rather than it being important to her because it’s me.

I want to see what happens if I stop messaging for a while. Will she come after me? will she come and strike up a conversation with me again? I’m tempted to have the serious talk with her. I am really wanting to do it. I know that it could possibly spell the end to everything that we’ve ever experienced and gone through together so far as two people in a relationship (albeit not announced), but I don’t care. I want to know things and I want to know where she stands in this whole entire issue with us.

I don’t feel that she’s fighting hard enough for anything to do with us, and I want to know whether she will at all. I just want answers. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know if I’m just throwing my heart away again, just to have it trampled and thrown away. I need answers. Above all else… I don’t know if I can take another full on heart break. It took me so long to climb out of that shithole that I was in and I can say that I’m free of it right now, but it just feels as if I’ve stepped into yet another one, one of the very same.

Maybe I just have shit luck when it comes to relationships. Maybe so. Maybe all that effort that I put in to choosing someone whom I feel is right for me and appreciates me is really… ineffective. Maybe it’s not ineffective, but rather just as I said above, that I have shit luck when it comes to relationships. 27 years into my life and I still have only 1 girlfriend and really only got intimate with two girls. That’s not to say that I haven’t had my share of girls that found themselves very much interested in me and being with me, but they just didn’t meet my criteria of what I wanted in a person.

I don’t know. I really don’t know anymore. I’m lost and confused as it is. All I only know is that I’ll hold my ground for these next few days, and see what happens after. I will also try and push a resolution to be found perhaps, because I don’t know how much more of this I can take and keep up with.

I’m being torn apart from the inside once again, while I throw out a smile for others to see.

And I’ve tried to believe, like I’ve never had a broken heart, kept coming back for more… Like I’ve never been hurt before

It is way past midnight
My thoughts won't allow me to sleep
Goodbye again without forgiveness
With its price, its betrayal and deceit

I am stronger than your lies
But I can’t fight the tides
Logic escapes me
While my heart confounds me

I gave myself
With all I had
Like I’ve never been hurt before
& I’ve tried to believe
Like I’ve never had a broken heart
Kept coming back for more

Like I’ve never been hurt before

Mystery cards and back to Malaysia.

So… one of the things that I didn’t quite bother writing down on my blog was that on the 11th, my dad said that I got a letter from the UK. He proceeded to take a photo of it and send it to me, with what honestly looks like female handwriting, and apparently on the back itself, there was the words “Surprise”.

This of course strikes me odd for multiple reasons, one of them being that I’m pretty sure that TZ is back in Malaysia. Two, I’m pretty sure that she’s not going to send me any letters anytime soon. Three, I’m pretty damn sure there’s no reason to be so high strung about it to the point of writing “Surprise” down the back, given that we’re not really on talking terms and coming from someone whom the other day I was looking at my Skype, realised that she had deleted me off it. Coming from this kind of person… yeah not really I don’t think it’s really her.

The thing is that I got my answer already though, even before heading back to opening the letter and reading it. It was apparently the Justin and Sandra combo that sent it to me, an apparently for my birthday or what not hahahaha. It’s an interesting development to be honest as I mean… I guess it’s bad but I see them as TZ’s friends before my own, but it's nice to see that I’m kinda proven wrong with there not being any real precedence of one over the other.

Yeah. I guess that’s all there really is to say for now hahaha. I’m actually flying back to KL tomorrow, and it’s a bitter sweet affair really. I like melbourne, and my time here feels short, but at the same time, I know that there are a lot of things that I can’t get here that I do miss in Malaysia. It’s a bit of a give and take if you will but if I had to choose, then I guess I’ll say that I’m partial towards Malaysia really. I mean, Melbourne is nice and all, but it’s just not… well… not me maybe? I don’t know. hahahhahaha. Oh, I wouldn’t mind moving over to Japan though XD

I’m gonna try and do a bit more work and packing up, try and knock things off before I head off to KL. TTYL :3

 

hamster off and out.

P.S. Chad took my camera so I can’t do any filming >_>

This again.

I will write because I feel like writing. I will write because I feel that It’s the right time to write about these things. I will write because I feel that there’s something worth writing about as I myself don’t know what’s really going on with me. I write because yesterday, I watched a movie with Chad called “What If”, and it stroke a chord with me, but in a very bad way.

The movie struck close to home I guess. It struck too close to home. The movie started off innocent enough actually. It started with this guy meeting his friend’s cousin, and consequently falling for her. The girl had a boyfriend. A boyfriend whom she loved very much, and he loved her very much too. As the movie progressed forward, so happens that the girl spends more time with the protagonist, more time than they should, and the boyfriend whom she loves has to go off to Brussels or somewhere along Europe for his job. You can still tell that he loves her very much in the way that he talked to her about it, and even gave her an open flight ticket for her to come at anytime to visit him if she gets too lonely.

Long story short, the new dude took over and the current BF lost… well not because he was being a terrible BF, but just because I guess… She gets together with new dude and they live happily ever after married and shit. Yeah. I don’t know. I felt kinda uncomfortable half way through. I felt uncomfortable as I started to draw parallels between what was happening on screen vs what actually happened to me in real life. I drew a connection except this time I wasn’t the protagonist of course. I was the boyfriend of this girl whom I loved and right before my eyes she was being taken before me. I wasn’t very happy through the movie, though I tried not to show it that much or say it that much in front of Chad.

I will not lie that after the movie, after I had gone to bed, I found myself with a bit of tears trickling down. I wonder why this is so or why this still hurts. I don’t know if it’s really because I miss her or because I kinda wished we were together, because I don’t really know how true that is. I don’t think that I miss her or miss being around her, yet when I see this and saw how closely the female protagonist behaved like her, I felt that sharp pain hitting my heart and just lost the mood to really watch the film. I don’t miss her and yet it hurts. I don’t wish to see her yet these kind of things still get to me.

Maybe it’s not so much because of the person in itself, but more along the lines of the amount of emotional trauma that it gave me. It could be just that. I did love her very much. I loved her with every fibre of my heart. I tried my best to make it work, I tried my best within my power to make it work, and yet it didn’t work. It didn’t happen. There’s that feeling of powerlessness. That feeling that no matter what you do, you’re just going to fail, and perhaps you’re just going to fail… because that other person is just not that into it, or maybe they’re being swayed by someone else, and the distance doesn’t do jack shit to help you to reinforce this situation. Yeah.

Admittedly even though it’s kinda rare now, I do wonder what she’s up to and wonder what we would have been if. I wonder then I realise that even in the event that we get back together, or things just work out again between us, it still won’t get rid of this feeling that I had. It makes me realise that it’s not so much about her and losing her, but perhaps just that feeling that I went through. That feeling of just losing and not being able to do shit about it. Not just losing anyone as well, but losing someone whom you loved so much.

Yeah. I think that’s the best conclusion that I can pull off from yesterday’s movie, that I’m still kinda traumatised by the whole entire thing, and perhaps that’s what’s marking me this adverse to love and finding someone new. I’ve been thinking for a while now on how I didn’t mind actually moving to Japan and finding someone there and settling down there, but the more I think about it, the more I feel it’s because it’s a new environment for me, that doesn’t pull back any of those more bitter than sweet memories, a place where I can go that I know won’t bring back any of these feelings for me.

That said though… that would be escaping the issue rather than working to be rid of it, so… it’s not really solving anything but rather avoiding it. Still, after a good 4 over years since perhaps, I kinda wished that I would have been more over the whole entire thing but I’m not quite there yet. I am starting to worry that it’s just not something that disappears with time, but rather something that I’d have to live with until something comes along that overthrows this feeling.

Yeah….

Love life sucks for me. Nothing new there.

 

Hamster off and out.

In Za Plane, and no there ain’t no snakes.

Feel like doing a bit of in plane writing, so I think I will. Right now I’m in the plane on the way back to KL, and the time now is 9:04pm in Japan, or 8:04pm in Malaysia. While I’m a bit sad to be leaving Japan and the people there (it seriously was a lot of fun), I am right now enjoying the fruits of the Japan trip, which comes in the form of one epic pair of Denon headphones B< It’s so awesome that I don’t even know where to begin, and didn’t cost me a bomb either hahahaha

Met up with Shinsuke and family last night as well for our farewell dinner out of Japan and it was fun. Food was good and place was small but cozy hahahaha. Man, Tsumu-chan was really cute as well xD hahahaha earlier in the dinner, she was initially quite sad and bored apparently, because of the way our seating arrangements were done, in that she was seated at a different table from me. After a while though, she picked up her stuff and just came to our table, and sat beside me xD She’s such a cute kid, but I think the one thing that struck me during this dinner was that I found some similarities between her and TZ. Maybe I’m thinking too much though. I’ll leave that side of things alone for now.

She’s cute, and apparently Shinsuke and family are quite keen on coming down to KL next year for a holiday of their own, so that’s pretty darn awesome xD. Apparently my grand aunt said as well that she probably wouldn’t want to come to Malaysia if I wasn’t around and I found that quite cute lol hahahah. Not sure if she’s really attached to me or not or they’re just pulling my leg, but she does enjoy talking to me a lot as our hobbies seem to collide a little and I find that kinda awesome xD Oh, it doesn’t help that grand aunt keeps calling her my girlfriend in front of her as well ._.” I’m like semi hoping none of those romcom anime scenarios start to manifest themselves, but at this point in time, even if they do, I can kinda see how it’ll all go down :|

Nothing much else to type here in the plane now I guess. It’s a slow flight, with me being about half way in (or less) but the good tihng is that my new headphones are really good at keeping outside noise in, and not only that, keeping inside noise out hehe. I see a baby crying in front of me and all I an say is… I CAN’T HEAR YOU AT ALL BABY. B<

Headphones. Noise-Isolating and closed sets. Never board a plane without it B< hahahaha

That’s all from me for now I guess. I’ve only got a bout a day in KL before I leave and head off to Melbourne for some catch up time with Chad and Denny hehe. Gonna go road tripping!

 

Hamster off and out.

Japander.

I need to write. I need to write because I need an outlet to let some of those feelings I have inside me go. Over time I realised once again that it’s just so insufficient to talk to people about it, because I tend to hold back on a lot of things, and not only that, of course I don’t like to be judged for saying them as the shit which I say of course at times can be a bit… incorrect. I thought I could go without blogging, but there’s really that itch that further starts to make itself more of an irritant, and soon enough I find myself needing to write.

Well, let’s start off by saying that I am in Japan now. I’m in Japan and have actually been here for a while, and am leaving in a few days time. Not that much of a big deal to me, but I’ve really been enjoying my time here. Minus things like food and what not, I’ve been enjoying meeting my relatives which I haven’t met in a long time, and just connecting with them again. I especially enjoyed meeting my uncle, Shinsuke who was the one who pretty much set me on this path of game development in the first place, by first introducing me to the Gameboy Pocket hahaha. I got to meet his wife Miho too, which I’ve only managed to see in pictures back then, though I could remember what I said when I first saw them.

“Who’s that pretty girl?” “That’s your uncle’s new wife!”. The mount of shock that ran through my head at the moment of hearing that, as well as the phrases… you lucky bastard hahahaha. He’s about 14 years older than me I think, but he’s quite cool and easy to chat with, and I really do enjoy it. He looks really young still as well hahahaha. I think one of the bigger surprises for me has been meeting their daughter, Tsumugi, or Tsumu-chan. Mannnnn she’s like the cutest little Japanese girl xD albeit she’s 10 now.

I managed to warm up to her a little, and it all started when I was talking to them in Japanese (to which they were very shocked that I could speak VERY good Japanese hehe, even fluently they said), and I told him that it was because of him that I started getting into game development probably, developing my love for games. I then showed them my Showreel that I made early last year of the works that I’ve done, and they were thoroughly impressed by it, though the person who seemed to be the most captivated by it seems to be Tsumu-chan, which I found quite a shocking development. She saw the last game in my showreel, that was Plasma Dimensions, and the first things that she said was “Danmaku”, which means Bullet Hell. She isn’t wrong in that sense, as that game in itself was based off my inspirations from playing a lot of Touhou games, and when I told her that, she got really excited about it, as it turns out that she’s a really big Touhou fan as well! Imagine my shock.

We started talking about our favourite characters a little, then I showed her my little Cirno nendroid that I had on my desk, and she got really excited by that as well, and she told me that she liked Patchouli xD Conversation then flowed into things like anime and what not, to which also to my surprise, she likes quite a few animes that I do, and not only that, she seems to like the darker ones as well, which is quite unexpected from a girl of her age. Anyway, she really seemed interested in talking to me and getting to know me better, and even asked for the link to my Showreel video :o Apparently it was to show it off to her friends, to which I can honestly say that I feel very honoured by that :3

She’s so kiut as well, she calls me Onii-san, has the nicest smile and what not xD I talk about all of this mind you in a non-romantic sense, as perhaps for me, it feels like that cute little sister that I never had that I kinda want and wanna be all protective over as well hahaha. I don’t mind having to take care of her is what I’m saying, perhaps mentor her in the ways of Game Development! xD It seems to be a thing now though where my grand aunt and uncle keeps joking about pairing me up with her in the future, and sometimes they even refer to her as my girlfriend =_=” It’s so weird to think about it, not because she’s a relative (more than 3 degrees of separation, w/e.), but more along the lines that she’s just a 10 year old girl, no matter how adorable she is. Still, I’d like to see if we could get to be more comfortable around each other, then perhaps I can dote on her and treat her as my cute little sister hehehe x3

This whole Japan thing has been kinda interesting as well, as I somehow find myself a bit more… IDK… maybe the best word is susceptible, to things like feeling all warm and squishy inside again, yes, kinda like having a crush on someone and being all butterflies in the stomach hahah. Haven’t really felt like this in a while, but recently, or rather, yesterday that happened to me as I walked along the shopping center Apita that I usually go to with my grand Aunt nowadays, and I saw the cutest girl at the pet store, cutting the hair of one of the dogs there. While waiting for my parents to come by and meet up with me (I was early to the arrangement), I saw her there cutting the hair of one of the dogs.

At first of course, I was there to look at the dog getting a hair cut as I love dogs, but I started to pay a bit more attention to her, and I started to notice things like her hair, and how it would have this nice shade of brown to it, how she would tie it up in a pony tail, or something even like a twin tail kinda thing, and it would look really cute with her. She turned to look at me, and then smiled at me, while I smiled back at her, and continued to sort of look at her cut the hair of that dog. She had the most pretty eyes that had quite a kind look to them when she smiled, and sadly said I couldn’t see much of the rest of her features as she wore a face mask then as she was trimming the hair of the dog off hahahah. She had a very cute outlook though, and occasionally I could swear she would take a peek at me as well, though I wonder whether it’s just because I look really weird or like a pervert or something :\ I clearly didn’t look very Japanese either with the way I dressed, so it’s a bit of an unknown for me lol.

Anyway, yeah… After I went home,I kinda spent the whole night almost thinking about her, and what would happen if I really fell in love with a Japanese girl and how would be work anything out… and of course scared myself and excited myself at the same time. I wouldn’t mind any of that happening, just that I wouldn’t want it to end the same way things ended with me and TZ, especially since a lot of distance is at play here. All in all though, I really feel relieved and happy that I can feel this way over someone again, but perhaps that just comes from that magical feeling of the unknown and not knowing what to expect while thinking about it too much at the same time hahahhaha

I got to see her again today, though I was mostly busy with a lot of other things till I couldn’t really spend much time peeking at her, though I did to some extent, and for some reason, though I was pretty far away and covered by the isles, I could have sworn she looked up and saw me at the same time as well ._. Talk about timing. I probably look like a stalker by now, but she did her hair up in a pony tail today with a few loose bangs moving around and she looked soooo cute D: ._. Maaaan. I am probably gonna end up going there again tomorrow, and though I know almost with a close certainty that probably nothing is ever gonna happen between us (I don’t even know if she’s married already or has a boyfriend or something), I still want to see her at least that few more times, to satiate this crush of mine on her :\

I haven’t had this feeling in me in such a long time that honestly, it feels so god damn foreign right now. It feels as if I’ve never felt this before, yet I know I have. I feel quite restless with a lot of things going through my head, and a lot of the possibilities of what could be making runs as well. Perhaps it may sound stalker-ish and terrible, but I do imagine what it would be like if we dated, the euphoria and fun that would come out of it, the joy of perhaps getting to know her and learning her language that much more… heck, even the idea of hopefully being able to bring her back to Malaysia (I DON’T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT HER, NOT EVEN HER AGE DX)… Yeah, I’m fantasising a lot…. but perhaps this is what happens when you’re struck with this sort of puppy love kind of feeling :\

I don’t think anything would ever come out of it, but I’m being very stupidly hopeful… yeah… I think that’s the best way to describe things now with me. I’m being stupidly hopeful with this whole thing… Still… it makes me happy just thinking that I’ll get to see her again tomorrow, though it may even be the last time I’ll ever get to see her… Life is fleeting like that. You just gotta appreciate the little things. It would be nice if somehow things managed to add up and I managed to at least get to talk to her and get to know her a little and keep in contact though…

For now, it’ll just be a dream.

 

hamster off and out.

INTTOOO HHYYYPPEERR LOOOOVVVEEEEE

This is the countdown
This is the song
We’re counting down from 10 to 1

We’ll fly a rocket
To kingdom come
We’re gonna fly it past the sun

A million miles
We’d go that far,
to write our name on silver stars

We’ll leave the ground
So far behind,
Nothing’s the same after tonight

This is the countdown
This is the song
We’re counting down from 10 to 1

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Hyper Love

You and me
In Hyper Love

This is the countdown
This is the song
We’re counting down from 10 to 1

We’ll fly a rocket
To kingdom come
We’re gonna fly it past the sun

A million miles
We’d go that far,
to write our name on silver stars

We’ll leave the ground
So far behind,
Nothing’s the same after tonight

This is the countdown
This is the song
We’re counting down from 10 to 1

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Into Hyper Love
Hyper Love

Hyper Love

You and me
In Hyper Love

Monologue of sorts.

2:40am. Just a little bit sick right now. There’s just a bit of loneliness and sadness in the air as a result of the silence around me. It’ll pass in time, but for now it’s something that I have to just get used to. My brother has gone off to the UK to study, and my dad has gone of to HK so it’s pretty much just me and my mom at home. I can’t help to feel a bit melancholic under the realisation, that while he was just a little bit parasitic in his attachment to me, I have obviously grown quite attached to him, that coming home to an empty dark room, free of his presence of playing games and shouting until late periods of the night has probably really become something that I do miss right now.

Mom was emotional about it at the airport, where she broke down and cried quite a few times, but as for myself, I tried to keep a cool calm demeanor about it, without wanting to show my emotions a bit too much. Still, when you see your mom crying, you can’t help but to be invoked into tearing up a bit yourself, and to me that’s when the memories with him around and the things he would say start to pop in.

I realise that I do type this out as if he’s not around like… passed away or something, but I guess that feeling of emptiness makes it feel a little bit like that at the moment. I of course would wish him the very best in the studies that he’s doing in the UK, but in many ways I feel worried for his ass as well, because as I mentioned before, he has always been one to cling onto me and ask me about everything, even things that I found to be completely logical, with answers that you could have come up with yourself if you just sat down and thought about it for 1/2 a second. It’s that kind of reliance to me when he was around that just makes me that much more worried now that he’s found himself alone in a foreign country, studying there.

That said though, my sister is in Paris now for study and work, so it’s just a 1 hour flight down to meet and greet each other, which I guess shouldn’t be much of an issue. As it stands now, his care is out of my hands but rather in that of his own, or if my sister is feeling up to visiting him often, hers.

It’s the irony that such internal monologue-ing such as this hasn’t been done in a while due to the amount of noise, chatter and banter that my bro brings around, and that how now that he’s gone to go study, the internal monologue-ing is used instead to talk about him and his presence in my life and what it really meant to me. Even the many times when I just wanted or needed my solitude when he was around here I couldn’t really get, as wherever I threw myself, it wouldn’t be long before he would appear beside me, just idling, as if being around me was something that he really liked doing. Even the times that I would go up onto the balcony in the middle of the night, just to look at the stars, chat with myself, have a bit of internal deep thought, he would suddenly find himself beside me not long after, making it just that much difficult to do the aforementioned.

It’s the funny feeling that now that he’s not around here anymore, I start to miss the company and noise that he brought forth. I’ve voiced out this feeling to Denny so far, and he’s been quite supportive of me hahahahaha. He asks me to cheer up and that he looks forward to my arrival in Melbourne so that we can chill out again, like we always do in Malaysia. It’s one of those things that do make me feel happy regardless of how no-homo it can be just hearing it. It’s funny as well, that he was talking to Chad the other day, and he was actually telling me how Chad was telling him about how he felt thankful to me, as I was the person who saved him from depression after his break up with his ex. Apparently Denny was quite touched by that story of his, and well… I guess I am too, to know that there are people who are thankful of the things that I do, even though I didn’t really do it to garner any praise or thanks.

Denny went on to tell him as well, that the person I am today, is totally different to the person whom I was when I was 14. He told Chad that I have come leaps and bounds from who I was back in the day, and I know that to be true. I know it was very sink or swim with me back then, in which I decided that I didn’t want to sink into the pits of depression, but rather to come out better, stronger, a more confident person. It’s the hardships that we go through and how we deal with them after all that shape us into who we are now, and I think that for someone like myself, I wasn’t exactly free of hardships when I was younger. Many other times things have been difficult for me, but I’m thankful for people that I have in my life that have truly helped change this around for me, and me in turn being able to help others and to talk to others in such a way that it inspires them, the same way the ones who have once talked to me before have inspired me.

3:11am. I still feel a bit sickly. It’s better now that I decided to get up, write a bit, take a bit of a walk and to grab some food to eat. The headaches are still present, and I feel just a little bit bloated from the gas buildup in my tummy. I have taken some ginger drink and some charcoal pills as well as some panadol to combat this, so here’s hoping that things work out better come tomorrow. I will probably drop into the shower to clean up before heading back into bed, to try and get some more rest, and maybe even to start my day at 9am or so the following day. After all, without my brother around right now, there’s really no one that’s keeping me awake in the wee hours of the morning except perhaps myself.

 

hamster off and out.

And I still miss you

Everything seems like a city of dreams,
I never know why,
But I still miss you.

There she's standing in a field of lights,
I close my eyes,
And I still miss you.

Uohooooo Ohooooo

And I still miss you,

Uohooooo Ohooooo

And I still miss you.

Everything seems like a city of dreams,
I never know why,
But I still miss you.

There she's standing in a field of lights,
I close my eyes,
And I still miss you.

Uohooooo Ohooooo

And I still miss you,

Uohooooo Ohooooo

And I still miss you.

Updates!

I haven’t really written in in a while. It’s 9:54 AM now, and I got up at like… Idk, 8 or something, after a relatively early night yesterday. Okay, I say early, but it’s more of like… 3-4 am, yet I feel quite awake now. It’s a good thing. I’m not complaining about it ahahahah.

Let’s see, what’s there to say. Love live is on a slow, my job is coming along slowly, and well, I’ll be terminating the contract with them after a month, coz I have no real intentions of continuing with them :| I’ll want to be working on my projects to make it out on my own, and I think that’s really the best path for me. I’ll try however to complete what I have to the best of my abilities, and hopefully I’ll get it to a point where they can actually use it.

Bro will be heading off to study in UK in like a week from now, and for two years, so while admittedly I do wonder how well I’ll cope with the silence of not having him around, I know that I thrive best when I operate alone. What I’m not too keen however, is being the only child left back in Malaysia, and enduring all the noise from parents every now and again, because well… Honestly, I’m a grown up and I can carry myself, but they seem to like finding faults in everything that I do that it just pisses me off. One part of me just wishes that I got married, and moved out. Doesn’t solve anything, but they can’t constantly noise up a married man right? You have a wife for that after all ahahahaha

I don’t think there’s really much else to say at this point. I’ll be heading off to Melbourne in November, and oh, I think I’ll just be passing up on the idea of Ann. Look, while she’s pushed some interest in me before, she hasn’t made any advances or moves on her own part, and I think that’s just the way it has to stay then. I can’t be fucked keeping up with things without any returns anymore, same like how things are with TZ. Things with Alexis are a little bit more different, though we’re more of like… comfort friends and shit rather than lovers, though admittedly we can do things that lovers do at times. Still, we understand there’s no exclusivity between us and I think that’s okay.

I think that’s all I’ll write in for now. I’m actually quite keen to get back on to work, so yeah. Here’s to that!

 

hamster off and out

yet another cameo.

One of those weirder moments for me. I just woke up from something like an evening nap, and during that nap time, I had a dream about TZ. I haven’t had dreams bout her in AGES, so this is one of those things that really knocked me out of the park. I will start however by saying that the dream I had about her wasn’t strictly about her, but rather she was in it, and that’s one of the more prominent things that I do remember about it. The others just had something to do about protecting myself from unknown dangers with a gun and what not :|

Without going too much into the details, most of the dream talked about some sort of reconciliation between us, in a bid to get back together. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s just a was of my heart telling me what I want, or just some random dream that appears with that topic at hand. Either way, it was something that appeared in that dream that I had today, and well, her in that dream was particularly keen on the idea :\

Idk. I don’t want to think too much into it, but rather I want to just write it out into words just to get it out of me and deal with it I guess. I haven’t checked on what she was doing in ages, heck, I don’t even know if she’s still in Msia or London, but for the most part I think I don’t really care? I think. Meh. It should be nothing… dreams will remain dreams after all, nothing should change IRL…

 

hamster off and out.

Down, Down, Down.

I can say it louder but I can't say it clearer
I could love you more but I don't
So you're going down
Down, down, down

I can speak the words in a way you've never heard them
I could lie and say that I'm sorry
While you're on the ground
Down, down, down

You can kick and punch
Go in for the kill
Scream and shout it out
I'll be standing still
Watching it unfold
Right before my eyes
Watch you going down
Down, down, down

I could build a wall and never let you get through it
I could listen more but I don't
So you're going down
Down, down, down

You can kick and punch
Go in for the kill
Scream and shout it out
I'll be standing still
Watching it unfold
Right before my eyes
Watch you going down
Down, down, down

Fuck 2014

This year is just such a bad year for anything to do with mobile phones. I have a feeling I should just stop touching them for a while. It’s just been a bad year overall for business and just doing anything technical in that sense. Where I’ve been having good luck for the end of last year onwards, this year has been failure after failure after failure, with not once success story to tell about. Even the simplest of jobs find themselves being fucked up so badly, and as you can imagine, it takes a massive toll on me that I just don’t even know where to begin anymore.

It’s just been a fucking terrible year. I’m only halfway through but this year has been nothing but monetary loss and just failure all around. I have no fucking idea what’s going on really. Even things like the simple job today, which was just to put Mel’s phone back together with the new LCD? yeah. That just got fucked up big time.

For starters, having applied the same KitKat update from Asus on the FonePad, and NOT having the data wiped, I assumed the same would happen for her PadFone. How wrong I was. I knew it was all going to hell as soon as I saw that message that said recreating partitions. I should have backed her stuff up before hand, but indeed, I felt that it wasn’t necessary, since it’s just a simple upgrade. Nope. She wanted her data as well, so I have NO IDEA how to break the news to her. Her contacts are lost, and her photos are all lost. I’ve tried to run recovery software to try get the data back, but no dice. Even the recovery methods, that require root can’t really be applied because the phone can’t be rooted, or at least the method isn’t out yet for the KitKat version of things. That’s one.

Now, this is the more fucked up part. For some reason, I’m not sure when and how, and I’m usually super gentle, picking up the LCD, I noticed that the pins have been totally bent on the touch digitizer. I tried to straighten them, and then try them out in the phone itself, but I noticed that it doesn’t help. The contacts have lifted (it was quite a nasty bend), and the only way I would get full contact is if I pressed down really hard on the connector, forcing all the contacts on the connector to touch each other. As soon as I lift though, the touchscreen just stops working altogether. The instant thought? just try and reforge them back together with the soldering iron.

Now, even I know that the soldering iron is just too hot for the connector to handle, so I tried to do a bit more touching than pressing onto the connector to get the joints going again. Nope, not as simple either. What looked like progress to begin with, ended with the bottom of the screen still not responding, so I tried to clean the connections up a bit more after letting it cool, but I guess by then it just got too fragile, and the whole connector just snapped. GG. Okay, I thought to myself. Not all is lost though, I still have the connector from the original LCD. A solid plan.

I used the heatgun to remove the connector from the flex ribbon of the original LCD. It worked perfectly, and came off easily. After a bit of cleaning up, I began to transplant the connector over to the new ribbon. After a while of ninja-ing the connector on, it looked as if I got it perfectly right; A good start, I thought to myself. Oh how wrong I was again. I noticed that despite my efforts to set up a heatsink in between my working area and the LCD, the frame of the LCD had melted a bit, deforming it. GG. Not only that, powering on the LCD, I noticed discolourations on the LCD from the stray heat that somehow got onto the LCD. GG. Then I tested the touch digitiser connection, and it’s still broken, and not only that, terribly broken as well. Massive GG.

So what am I left with now? TBH, I would rather buy her a new phone at this point, and tell her that shit went horribly wrong. Own up for it, and just deal with it. She may hate me for it, but I’m the one who would be running on this massive lost of cash out of me. What else do you want from me right. I can’t do anything at this point to save the situation.

Not only that, a simple procedure with my brother’s friend’s Galaxy S4, was fucked up beyond repair (well not beyond repair, I’m still repairing it) by the formation of a fucking bubble under the screen from applying the LOCA glue. Near the end of the dropping process (which admittedly was going perfecly fine, the lcd just suddenly dropped too fast and caused an air pocket to form under the display around the glue. I then had to remove the whole thing, and redo it, and that means cleaning the surfaces back up again, and somehow during that process, shit went horribly wrong when somehow I noticed a hairline crack on the LCD display. Upon checking, my worst fears were confirmed. It’s broken alright. Fuck.

The slightly more minor end of things comes in the form of the bunch of cables that I’ve ordered just to sell haven’t been doing well, and if you consider things till today, I’m making a negative profit.

Let’s sum it all up shall we? It’s as clear as day. Everything that I’ve been doing to try and earn myself some extra money, and hopefully establish something better for myself hasn’t been working out, and I’m in the red. Well, I’m not technically in the red, because I still have cash to go around from my main job at the moment, but the fact that all these endeavors haven’t been working out is just so fucking demoralising. It’s not as if I’m doing this as personal things, and I just failed in doing personal things either. No, these are things I’m doing to get extra cash, and I’ve just been met with failure after failure after failure after failure that I feel that I just want to sit out from life and do NOTHING. Everything which I’ve been doing seems to end up in failure, and I’m just so fucking stressed out by this. It’s REALLY FUCKING DEMORALISING, and it doesn’t help that my brother has been irritating me of late as well.

All these holidays with the guys as well, while nice and stuff, is causing me to use more money that I’d like, and I’m just really not happy about it. Sigh. Life is shit at the moment if I had to really say anything. Things which I hoped would help turn things around for me, give me direction, make me happy has just been in the fucking stinker. I’ve never really had such a bad year until this year.

Sigh. There’s more examples of failure this year, but I’m just not up to talking about it. Lets just say that I’ve failed more than I’d like to admit this year, and maybe even more counts than the fingers I have on my hands.

I feel like shit. I’m gonna go get a drink. This shit fucking sucks. I want out of this life and into the next year. Fuck this shit. Fuck it all.

Work is a bitch.

2:30am and deciding to do some outdoor blogging. By that I mean, out of my room, out in the open on my balcony, and with my laptop here with me to just blog about the events of the day. Pretty much the only big event today is the fact that I did oversleep to go for a meeting, and suddenly my team member is giving me a fuckload of shit about it, as if I am always late etc etc. It feels like she’s forgetting how the only times I have been late have been the first days of work, and that’s like what… 6 months +++ now. Heck, maybe even 10.

Either way, it displeases me, and I’m kinda in a fuck all mood because of it. She can go take that attitude elsewhere. Whole project is a fine mess anyway, and it’s been changing so many times for it to even come close to being comfortable. Nope, it’s all over the place, and I don’t take kindly to it =_= At the moment my though process is running along the lines of me wanting to finish it off as soon as possible and just get it out of the way so that I can proceed to do other things and not worry about it, but it’s hard to move on when the newer proposed ideas which they wanted is kind of vague, and when you move up to them to try and ask for clarity on the situation, all I get is more vague answers with inquiries being thrown to other people to answer. Seriously? this is your game, not mine. I’m just here to make it, and you guys can’t make up your idea on what you want, then what the hell am I supposed to do! DX

Blah. Anyway, chatted with Alexis for a bit. She’s now in Sydney, and staying with her sisters. Strangely said her move there has drawn us I feel a bit more closer than when she was around here. I have a feeling that distance does that. It kinda brings forth this presence of having to make decisions on whether you wanna keep or drop something, and then taking action on it. In that sense, I suppose her answer to this is that she wants to keep what she has with me for as long as it lasts then, and I mean, who knows how long it’ll last for. I can’t say that I really know, and I’m not being overly hopeful either.

Cathryn is in Taiwan, though she has still been trying to contact me rather frequently. She hasn’t really done so today however, and I feel a little bit relieved about it. I don’t really look for anything with her at the moment, so a little bit of a breather from her advances is more than welcome for me. I’m trying not to lead her on onto anything, but at the same time just trying to be a nice friend, but not everything is going to plan, as I feel that at times I can be too nice, read misleading.

Still keen on trying out things with Ann though. It’s one of those things that I feel hasn’t really been explored yet, and I’m honestly quite thrilled with the idea of what we could be, if anything at all. During the time I was dating TZ I did take a fancy into her, so having something with her may not be the worst of ideas, in fact it could lead into something good, with the both of us being so similar and all that. The only issue then is the matter of distance, and how we’re kinda separated by the whole Australia Melbourne and with me being in Malaysia, it just sets itself up for another matter of complication. We’ll see how it all goes though. We’ll see if she’s interested in the idea of pursuing an us.

Going to have to wake up early tomorrow as well. Being dragged into some photoshoot / filming business by my brother where I’m supposed to have to dress and play as a Doctor. God only knows if I look like one, but apparently based on what they have been telling me, I do look like a doctor when I get into the right clothes. Feels so crappy amateur in that sense, but whatever. I’m not going to bother too much about it. It’s just like a short scene that won’t last 5 minutes maybe, so I’m not too bothered with putting up a stellar performance for them.

Gonna go off now to try and do some of my review work which I have been nicely neglecting for some time now. It’s kinda piling up and I know that there are people who are looking forward to my reviews, so I feel kind of bad about it. I have about 3 reviews lined up and if I intend to pick up new phones in the future for review, I would probably want to first get these out of the way.

hamster off and out

Legoland rawks.

Doing some photo uploads now in my room in Malacca, and it’ll take a while, so I figured that I’d do some blogging in the meantime. I’m currently in Malacca, and the internet here is extremely slow, and that’s not really an exaggeration. I kind of miss the internet in the Hotel in Johor, it was MILES faster tbh. Oh well.

Legoland today was awesome. We spent like a good 6 hours there, from like 10 in the morning all the way to like… 4 in the afternoon. I gotta admit though, that it was a lot of fun, and the place wasn’t really as overpriced as places like Universal Studios or what not. It was actually really decently priced, with a lot of good stuff all over the place. Overall? Very pleased and happy with the experience there. Had like 3 Roller coaster rides and 1 Log Flume, and the whole entire thing was AWESOME ahahahaha

Cathryn is once again chatting with me, and man… she’s again trying to rush me into a relationship. I can appreciate her feelings for me, but I don’t feel that I’m ready for her affection and that’s just me putting it really lightly to be honest. We hardly know each other for that matter, and now you want to get into something so much more serious? I don’t think it’s a wise idea, and that’s really just the truth of it.

Again I will say things like she’s nice and cute and etc etc, but I hardly know her, there are barriers between us, I’m not sure how attracted I am to her to be honest, and tbh, another long distance affair? I’ve really had enough of it. IDK. maybe I’m just not ready for another relationship again. At this point, I just want to be her good friend and leave it at that. I’m not looking for sex, I’m not looking for the naughty and hanky panky, I just want to chill and have good friends whom maybe start to mean a little bit more to me one day. I think that’s a fair thing to say.

I don’t know. I really don’t feel any affection to her at the moment, but I’m honestly trying. Maybe we’re just not meant to be. Maybe.

I’m tired, and have to get up early tomorrow. Nights blog :\ The fact that she’s hounding me a little right now is not exactly soothing either ._. blah.

 

hamster off and out

Much Puke

About to head off to bed soon. In Johor now, not exactly feeling too well to be honest. I feel a little bit sick, and that’s probably to do with the fact that I threw up just now, from playing too much games at the fair and having too full of a dinner >_> I was totally ran down by Cathryn to be honest :< She spun the teacup things so hard that I puked… and I mean it was an accumulated effect >_>

Gotta say that It was pretty fucking embarrassing walking around covered in puke, but hey, it’s something that I decided shouldn’t really bother me, and I should just deal with it and roll with it. I had to wash myself off in the bathroom, and that pretty much involved soaking myself in water >_> everything after that was just a series of making sure that I don’t really inconvenience other people and stuff…

I’ve always been really bad at motion and stuff, even when I was younger. It’s just that I noticed recently that I’m much better with something like roller coasters, in fact, they don’t really affect me, but when you have something with so much rotation in a short amount of time, and the spinning background behind someone, I just get disorientated so quickly and put out of question before I even get to do or say anything…

Embarrassing as hell, but Cathryn seemed really sorry for what she did >_> and I mean, it’s not entirely her fault, though I do mainly attribute it as so :\ Oh well. It’s not a big deal in that sense… I’ll get over it >_> I’ll live :< At least I had fun up until then hahaha >_> Meow ._.

 

hamster off and out

Slight Melancholy.

Alexis just left on her plane to Sydney. Originally I was looking at is as a way for me to focus my attention on other girls because it’s going to be difficult for me and her to work things out anyway, but over the past few days, we’ve gotten a lot closer, and I gotta admit that I’m actually feeling pretty sad right now. I try not to let it out to her, because I know that she misses me too, but I won’t really lie on this. I feel really sad about her leaving.

She wasn’t the most pretty girl, or the cutest girl. She wasn’t the most refined girl or the most romantic girl. Even then, I did enjoy spending my time around her, and just being myself, and you know… just… passing the time with her. She’s not perfect, in fact she’s probably the epitome of being far from perfect, but admittedly, I still really like her, though I don’t know to what extent. I do feel sad that she’s leaving, so I guess that it’s easiest said that I like her well enough to be sad about her leaving to Australia

The longer that I spend chatting with Cathryn, and I have been chatting to her quite often I admit, the more I feel disenchanted with the idea of her. I don’t know, she’s cute and she’s nice and all that, but somehow I don’t really feel the chemistry between us. There doesn’t really seem to be anything substantial holding us together, and even yesterday, she admitted to me that she was trying to rush things with me because another guy was after her and she kinda wanted to get him off her back. I mean, there’s so much wrong with something like that, and I told her off for it.

What does it matter that some other guy is chasing her, and what does that have to do with me, and why should it pressure me. If you don’t like him, tell him off. If you do, then go date him. I’d rather not try and have someone force my hand with something like this just because you can’t keep it together. I did tell her all of the above, and she gave me that blank expression of “Why didn’t I think of that”. Not sure if she’s air headed or just secretly trying to find excuses to get into another relationship with me.

In many ways, I feel like her getting into something with me would just be to get her mind off her ex that’s she’s been thinking of so constantly, and telling me about it. I understand she wants to get over her ex, but please don’t use me as an instrument to do so. Get over your ex, and when you’re done with that, come find me. I don’t entertain these kinds of requests and I don’t take them kindly. She’s been sending me a lot of pictures of herself as well as videos of herself, and while it was kinda nice initially, I can’t really say that I’m taking a liking to it now.

I get it, that’s how you look like, I get it you’re cute and pretty etc etc. Do you need to constantly rub it in my face? are you looking for praise? attention? You’ll find none of that stuff from me. I’d rather hear how your day was, show me interesting pictures of things that have happened through the day, and have meaningful conversations with me than for you to show me your pretty face all the time. Heck, there are even quite a few times where I say something, and she doesn’t get it, and she just goes ahead and interprets it as something else, and sometimes get angry at it as well. I mean, honestly? if you don’t know just ask. I won’t bite or scorn or you know… hate you. I will understand that you don’t get it, and I will explain it to you. I hate it more when you try and guess the meaning, and get it all wrong, and you get angry at me because of it.

I haven’t even really been using any complicated terms and sentences with her. I get it, she’s more Chinese ed and I’m more English ed, but come on… please don’t do that… >_> Lately I’ve been having more talks like… in depth talks with her, on what I think she should do with things and etc etc, more lecturing than anything else, and getting her to slow down and think more logically about things.

You know how I always keep saying that intelligent girls attract me? I am kinda seeing why I have that rule in place now, and yeah, they really do. I don’t mind if you are not as knowledgeable, but this… this, what she’s doing, is kinda irritating. Meh. I still have a lot of time to spend with her, and I don’t know, things may change. My way of life and mannerisms may rub off onto her, but even if it doesn’t… honestly I won’t feel bad about it at all. I have no intentions of getting together with a girl just because she looks good, or the prospect of having sex with her is high. Yeah, I’m sorry, if you picked me as that kind of guy, you’d be greatly and gravely disappointed.

Idk, just a little soul typing at this point I guess. I see what happens when the future unravels itself. Just thought that I’d mind unwind over here.

 

hamster off and out

Medanz

Supposed to be sleeping, but I figured I guess that I’d do some blogging just before I head to bed. I actually just got back from my trip to Medan, Indonesia. I gotta say that I ate a shitload and a bucketload, and now I’ve probably gained like hell. I’m actually afraid to check my weight. Close to 11 meals a day doesn’t do good for your body :\

I’m actually quite tired at the moment, but certain things are keeping me up, in particular that relating to my air conditioning that is leaking into a bucket :\ No, it’s not that it’s noisy or anything, as I’ve actually set up a system to catch for this and to counter it, by funneling all the water into a central location and using a string to trickle everything into a bucket for a soundless discharge, but rather the rate at which the bucket is filling up. At the rate it’s going, I’m probably gonna hit full by the time 12 hits :\ maybe even 10 D:

I know, kind of a weird thing to be worrying about at a time like this, but sue me. The first thing that I’m really greeted with at the end of my trips is a problematic air conditioning and a table that’s kinda fucked up beyond recognition due to the water dripping onto it and deforming it heavily.

Oh, here’s another interesting thing as well, I’m actually typing all of this on a new keyboard as the older one was actually giving me quite a bit of issues, so I decided to grab a new one from Amazon. Well, not exactly new, as the unit is actually a refurbished unit :\ It’s a lot cheaper than buying it new, and as far as I can tell… it’s pretty much owning the same thing for a lot less. I’m talking about like 50% less kind of less btw :\ hahahaha. I’m a happy camper I guess. I haven’t quite broken into it yet, but so far typing on it seems to be pretty good and I’m enjoying the experience.

Oh, another fun fact, that girl, Cathryn? She’s born in May as well, specifically May 28. Man, what is up with the girls that I go for being born in May? Is there something about May girls that I really go for? >_> I can’t really say much, but I mean, TZ is a May girl, Alexis is a May girl, and Cathryn is a May girl. I swear that I’m not picking them up on purpose >_>

On that note however, things with Cathryn are taking a slow, on my request. She seems to want to dive headstrong into it, and it’s kind of scaring me a little to be honest. I want to get to know her better before anything else :\ I’m not even sure if we’re even that compatible in the first place, as the whole… language and distance thing kinda puts me off I have to admit >_> She is however, really cute, and she looks like she’s good with kids, and not only that, she’s a nurse, so one way or another, that’s a good thing if things decide to take a serious turn between the both of us.

Idk. At this point in time, I’m just more concerned in taking my time and doing the things that I want to do before trying to get into another relationship I guess. She’s a nice girl and all that, but I’m not sure if she’s the right one to commit to at this point in time. In fact, the way that things are really going now, I want to try out things with Ann to see if we do have a good compatibility score with each other. For that, I’ll be travelling to Melbourne for a while and trying to spend some time with her :\ I’m not sure how things will turn out, in all honesty, I’m kinda skeptical, but I’m hoping that there’s something interesting for the both of us, given that we do find each other interesting.

Oh well, I guess we’ll see how it all goes. I think I’ll try and get more sleep now. My hours are kinda all over the place, and I should really regulate that shit :\

Cya blog.

 

hamsteyr off and out

Decisions and Consequences.

6am in the morning and I’m having trouble sleeping. My head is still all too busy thinking about all sorts of shit that I find myself unable to really relax and sleep.I guess that you can say that majority of this issue is attributed to the fact that I’m just a little bit confused right now when it comes to girls and well… my preference for which. I just don’t know to be honest. I have all these people around me, and I don’t really mean to sound like a playboy, but I just can’t really decide on who to go for and things like that.

The way I see it, Alexis is probably most definitely out. I mean, it’s what it has been from the beginning, just a fling. She likes me more than a fling these few days, but 7 years in between us and her going to Sydney to study and what not as well as complications with her family and relations to mine more than put me off from pursuing anything serious with her.

Then there’s the new girl, Cathryn. I do like her, I do. I admit that much, but the logistics of things just make it so much more difficult now that I don’t know whether I want to pursue it. Sure, it’s a lot closer than Australia, with her being in Penang and working there, but it’s still a fair distance away from me and that’s more than enough to put me off from getting too serious, unless she was interested in it as well… Still, she’s really a nice girl and cute and caring and what not… And admittedly as of late I’ve been sort of thinking to myself how it wouldn’t really be such a bad idea if I settled down with her. Sure, her command of English is nowhere near the levels of mine, but that’s something that can be improved over the years anyway… all that really matters is the feelings for one another. It also helps that she’s only a year younger than me.

There’s also the other matter of Ann. I don’t know if I still like her the way that I did years back, but that may only be because I haven’t been seeing or talking to her much, so much so that it’s almost become a case of out of sight out of mind. I don’t deny that she would probably be the closest when it comes to people that I’m more than likely to settle down with, but there’s still that air of uncertainty to be honest, in regards to what she means to me and whether this would all work out. The good thing about her though, is that she is in the same field than I am, mostly have common interests, and that she really enjoys spending time with me from what I can gather, and lately she’s been a bit more outdoorsy as well, and that is quite appealing. She contacted me this morning, and talked to me about photography which I got her into, as well as asked me when I was dropping by Melbourne as she would love to go with me and take photos and what not in these new places. She knows that I like her, or at least liked her before, I did confess to it after all, so maybe she’s trying to play onto that right now… Also, it doesn’t particularly bother me that she’s older than me, but rather the move back to Australia brings this air of uncertainty to me to be honest. Not as if I’m doing particularly super well in Malaysia at the moment, but I really don’t know how this is going to pan out if I were to choose her to be the one I end up with in the end…

Then there’s the matter with TZ. During the conversations today with Cathryn, she asked me if I still missed my ex from time to time. I told her that I do, and I was being very truthful about it. Despite the shit that we’ve gone through, we’ve had some pretty awesome times. I don’t know how things would ever work out as it were before if she were to come back, but maybe that’s the beauty of it, to not go back to what it was before, but to evolve into something stronger and better. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. Given the opportunity, I would still have no intention of breaking her away from her current bf, and even if she was single, I don’t know how willing I would be to go after her as I did before. I think things would only come into consideration if say one day she talked to me and talked about how she wanted to try for an us again. Then maybe yeah, things have that good potential of working out. After all, in terms of the most long run of things, her situation is probably the best, with Alexis being far and way for long, Cathryn possibly being in Penang and Johor, not really KL, and Ann being in Australia, as I know TZ would still be working in KL after this, so… IDK.

I’m just pushing out speculations and thoughts at the moment, so don’t mind me, really. I have no idea what I’m going to go for, but at the moment I’m just riding the waves and seeing where they take me.

Cathryn said that I’m good at getting girls, so much so that she totally mistook me for being a playboy, and I don’t blame her. I’m good at dealing with girls, so much so that I have the confidence to say that if I were to choose a girl and be determined about her, there’s probably not much that would stop me from getting her in my arm and calling her my own. That’s how much confidence I have in myself at the moment. The only issue then is finding the right one to go for… And that’s not an easy task tbh.

And yes blog, there’s totally talks of settling down in this post. I’m getting older and these thoughts are running through my head, I won’t deny it :\

 

hamster off and out.

A new challenger appears? :/

Came back from my Penang trip with the boys on Saturday. Gotta say that it was quite interesting. The one thing that I didn’t quite expect was that my friend introduced us to some girls :| At the end of the night they came back to our place, and lets just say that I took a fancy to one of them. No, no hanky panky happened, just got to know her better and you know, play some games around the living room as we as a group were not exactly the most quiet group of people at Starbucks.

Anyway, yeah. I’m currently in contact with her, and so is she to me, and I have a suspicion that we do like each other, but obviously distance is really an issue at the moment. I mean, aside from that, there are a lot of things that I kinda have to get used to as well if I decide to really go down that road, but that’s not anytime soon I suspect. For starters, she’s an Adventist christian, something I really didn’t know of it’s existence prior to her. She can’t eat pork, seafood, or pretty much any fish without a fin haha. That said though, she’s quite relaxed about it, and she does eat her fair share of… other things as well heh.

I’ve usually gone for the more english educated girls. I mean, they’re really my number one preference, and she’s not one of them. That said though, she does have a pretty decent command of english, so I can’t really complain too much, I think it’s just a formality at this point that’s biting into my side as I’ve even known some english educated girls who can’t speak as well as her. Probably the biggest thing that bugs me is how she’s only had one boyfriend (this is not the problem) and that boyfriend was 20 years older than her and she loved him very much :| I mean, I’m not even sure how this kind of hookup takes place, but I gotta say, if they did get together for a long time, then when it started it must have been a bit of a borderline pedophilia :|.

Anyway, the interesting bit about her is that she seems to be quite a caring girl, even from the initial first day impression. After showing her picture to Chew as well, he kinda pointed out something interesting that I didn’t quite notice before. He said that she kinda looked like Osheenn, and after looking at the photos that I sent him, yeah, I kinda saw that :| I wonder if it’s my subconscious making up for the fact that I didn’t get osheenn ahahaha. She’s also a year younger than me, so that’s pretty much same age as her as well rofl.

There’s also another interesting piece of information that I found to be quite amusing, and that is that her last name is Yeo. Yeo without the H to make it a Yeoh. I wonder if that’s a terrible coincidence, or just god being tricky with me :| Bear in mind though, that I didn’t know her surname at all, as when she asked for my phone number, she didn’t really key in her last name, that and when she added me on Facebook, she didn’t have her last name listed there. I kinda found out after asking her, and I thought that was a really strange coincidence of sorts :|

So as it stands now, she’s a cute girl who looks like Osheenn, has the surname similar to my ex, which is Yeoh (I suspect that it’s just difference in spelling) and she’s caring, and a nurse. She also speaks pretty decent english and mandarin, and she seems to have a liking for me. I don’t know what to make out of this whole entire thing except that it’s kinda interesting haha.

Distance is still an issue though. She’s got a bond with the hospital she’s working at in Penang, and she’s originally from Johor, with her relatives being in Malacca, and she’s interested in working in Singapore after. Not much of a convergence point for the both of us imho.

IDK. lets see where life takes me. I’m not interested in jumping into another relationship without knowing what I’m getting into first, so lets see how this all pans out for me.

Still, life has an interesting way of trolling you. :\

 

hamster off and out.

So hear me out, Our lives get harder It slips through our fingers, Like this fist full of sand

Hold me tonight
What happened to me
My head in the clouds
Fallen so deep

You came in soft
No shoes on my feet
Cold and afraid
It feels like I could break down
Right here on this shore
I'll go a straight

Here I stand,
Where earth meets water
The wind blows smoke,
Across the land

So hear me out,
Our lives get harder
It slips through our fingers,
Like this fist full of sand

Like a fist full of sand

Lay down tonight
The stars as our spine
Summer will fade
And it feels like I will lose you,
with each of the turning tides
Till the first snow arrives

So here I stand,
Where earth meets water
The wind blows smoke,
across the land

So hear me out,
Our lives get harder
It slips through our fingers,
Like this fist full of sand

Here I stand,
Where earth meets water
It slips through our fingers,
like a fist full of sand
It slips through our fingers

I can't get enough; I am insatiable

Do you even know
How you affect me
Unlock the ceiling
To the sky overhead

How can I grow?
There's already too much
But then like the warm rush
You wrap around me

And they say that every fire must burn out
But you are the sun
There's more where you came from

I can't get enough
I am insatiable
I try but can't get far
It never been this good

I’m never alone
You’re always beside me
I’m always looking
Everywhere else

There is a storm
Forever raging
You’ll be my haven
My only escape

And they say that every fire must burn out
But you are the sun
There's more where you came from

I can't get enough
I am insatiable
I try but can't get far
It never been this good

You're just too much
Too vast for me to hold
Turn over every stone
I am insatiable

Insatiable

We’re falling back in love, Here we are again, Now you’re singing my song, And I’m singing your song

I believe that we can make it
I don’t care what others say
They don’t know the way we love, they’re outside

If you can meet me in the middle
maybe we can compromise a little
Coz our love is worth it all
it’s bigger than little things we fight
For you I’ll give up all the lives that don’t lift us

We’re falling back in love
Here we are again
Now you’re singing my song
And I’m singing your song

Falling back in love
And we’re both moving
to the beat that goes like this
I’m singing yeahh
And do woooohhhhh

We’re falling back in love

Now that we are here together
let this moment last forever
As I look into your eyes
they’re so bright
I promise I’ll tell you all my secrets
tell you my fears and face my demons
Cause honesty will bring the light

For you I’ll give up all the lives that don’t lift us

We’re falling back in love
Here we are again
Now you’re singing my song
And I’m singing your song

Falling back in love
And we’re both moving
to the beat that goes like this
I’m singing yeahh
And do woooohhhhh

We’re falling back in love

Anywhere I, would have followed you… Say something I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

------------------------------------------

I don’t usually post non trance songs on here, but this is a song that I recently discovered. A song that I wish I would have had back when we were in the rough patches. Totally strikes a note with the me from back then.

Now? Now this song is only a representation of what was, and the ending that came after.

Also, probably the only Christina Aguilera song that doesn’t make me want to kill her hahaha.

 

Feeling a bit mellow now. :\ sigh.

hamster off and out.

16/05/92

16th of May 1992. Not really a date that I can so easily forget. I say this because up till today it still means something to me, and though we may not be lovers anymore, it’s still the birthday of an important person and friend.

These days, there is no communication between us. There is no real reason to anyway, as we’re two people moving along their own paths in life at this point. Even then, there’s something I would not like to forget, and that simply is kindness, in particular kindness towards her.

People make mistakes. They do things that they realise on hind sight, may not have been the smartest things to do, or the nicest even. I will easily admit that; I have not been very kind to her ever since things took the turn. I have placed myself and my well being as well as recovery over hers, and while I believe that it’s kind of mandatory, I also believe that it’s not really something that you do while taking a notch at another’s. It’s late at night so forgive me if I lack coherency. What I mean by this is that while it may have been the right move for me to move on from things quickly and pick myself up, I did it at the expense of her feelings, and I believe I have wronged her in that sense.

I have just wished her happy birthday on facebook. I believe that it’s really the least that I can do at this point, as even though we’re not together anymore, I do want her to understand that where I have made my mistakes in the way I have treated her after, I still respect her, and I wish only happiness and kindness for her.

So with that, I think I’ll finally head off to bed. I just had to get it off my chest I guess ahahaha. Oh well. Lastly said, I am sorry for all the pain, anguish and heartbreak that I have caused you. I can’t say that I didn’t mean to do it, because back then, with my heart filled with spite and anger, and plenty of confusion… I thought of many things to say and do. I know that they’re not right, so I make ammends for the things that I’ve done, slowly, bit by bit, part by part. I just hope that I’m forgiven for the foolish acts that I’ve done is all.

Above all else, happy birthday Tze Ni. Have a good one and enjoy your time as a student. I’m sorry that things had to end this way, as back then I really would have loved to see you all the way through to the end, even through your graduation. This is nothing but dreams of the past at this stage, so I do not quell on it.

Even if we do not talk, even if we do not speak, even then, I will still believe in being kind to you.

Happy Birthday. You’re a big girl now, Congrats.

 

Hamster off and out.

Fuck you 2014

Doing some blogging from the laptop on my bed. Blogging because I generally feel a bit down and out right now. 2014 is turning out to be quite a terrible year for me, with plenty of bad things happening, and I’m not even half way into the year yet. They year has been laden with just bad events, mostly involving loss of money or things that cost me a lot of damages this year. It’s terrible, and it’s making me feel really shitty about the whole thing.

Today it itself, just about an hour ago, I just accidentally shattered the replacement LCD for one of my customers that I’m repairing phones for as a means of passing time/ hobby. It marks the 3rd LCD that has been damaged this year, and it’s really taking a toll on my confidence on the whole thing, probably leading me to close it all up and end it sooner rather than later. Each replacement that comes in weights in at about 400 Ringgit, so it’s not exactly cheap either, and since I’ll have to get another one after this, it’ll drive it all up to 800 over ringgit. I’m just really sad and tired, and just want to call it quits and stop doing all this shit after this guy. IT all started well, really well, but now things are just taking this massive nose dive, and I’m ending up making more monetary losses than gains that it’s become a burden to me, rather than something to help ease my living by giving me more earnings. I’m just so distraught over it.

Everything is just taking a nose dive this year. This year is just a terrible year for SO MANY things that I can’t even begin to express my displeasure and sadness overall. It’s not just a bad year for me as well, as so far shit seems to be happening to the people that I know as well, and this is totally not funny at all. I don’t know what it is about the year, but I just want to huddle up and just let it pass altogether. I’m really disliking it, and it’s really taking a toll on my life right now, and the confidence that I had stockpiled in myself to try and tackle life and it’s problems. There are just so much more downs that up at this point in time that I just want to give it all up and disappear.

Fuck this all. Seriously. Fuck it.

 

hamster off and out.

Camerons.

In Camerons now. Doing just a little blogging while I wait for Denny to finish showering then we can head off to breakfast. It’s our last day here today, and we’re heading home after seeing a few more places. So far the trip has been alright I guess. Camerons itself holds nothing really that special to me, but the fun comes in travelling in this new group of four. It’s funny because of the drama that started in our friends circle because of this, but I don’t think too much into it. That girl who started the whole fuss is just being unreasonable and… well… self entitled.

We started listening to a bit of non-EDM songs that I had on my player last night. Ironically songs that I haven’t really been listening to ever since things with me and Tze Ni ended. Best thing was that it was kind of a sing-along at that point, so… It did invoke more than a bit of emotions and memories I guess. The number of songs that I used to sing to her for her about her. It just strikes and resonates deep within me. I miss being in love I guess. I miss feeling what being in love was like, and these songs were just that, a reminder of what things were like when I was high in love with her.

Sometimes I think back on whether the things I have said on this blog are too harsh. I did them for a reason of course. I did it for the fact that I knew she was reading my blog, and that I knew this was bad for her in her current relationship, so I felt it only necessary for me to try and shoo her away from me, by being as harsh and as mean as possible. A lot of things say here I didn’t really mean. I did them just to chase her away. I did them because I knew it wasn’t healthy for her to be so attached to me, and at the same time, wanted to break away myself from the bitter sweet memories that was her.

I do want to fall in love again, but I don’t know, it feels like it’s just that much more difficult for me at this point, either because I’m jaded to it, have become a bit more of a flinger, or that I just haven’t really found the right one for me yet. I think it’s just a little bit of both. Still, it makes me sad. I don’t love Alexis. I will put it out there clean and simple. I don’t. I have fun with her, and I enjoy chatting with her, but at this point, I know that things between us in the long run probably will not work out, and well… It’s a good thing that we’re not in any sort of official relationship then.

In many ways I would like to meet a new girl that is able to take my heart away once again, and to teach me how to love again, but also at the same time, I don’t feel like throwing myself in that situation again, maybe because I’m just that little bit scared of love and the things that it may bring to me. I’m scared, but I guess I anticipate it just a little bit more than I am afraid of it. I am however, a lot more selective of my girls now. If you knew me back then, then you’d know that I was quite the selective guy, making sure that the girl I dated and made my girlfriend was the girl that I wanted to be with for a long time. Make that about times two now. I am just that much more careful now, and just that much more…. judgmental to the girl that I meet all over.

Sigh. I don’t know what’s really to become of me and things at this point, but hey, I guess… that things will just unfold by themselves as time passes on by.

Anyway, Denny is out and its time to go have breakfast before we leave back to KL. I’ll maybe blog some other time. I’ve been quite busy these days anyway, so… I haven’t really found the time and maybe the need to blog. I will admit something though. I do miss being us and being in love with her.

 

hamsteyr off and out.

Messy Dreams.

It’s time to do some writing. It’s time to do some blogging. It’s time because I’m trying to figure out some things that I just in my head. I just had a nap, an afternoon nap, and to me, that was the strangest thing that I saw, in a dream of course. I dreamt… I dreamt that for some reason or another Tze Ni was announcing that she was getting engaged to her current BF. I wasn’t there per se, but somehow in my dream, it came to me in like this parcel/ package of sorts. I opened it only to find out details about their engagement, and not to mention a picture of the ring that he used to propose to her.

I don’t pretend to know everything that goes on in my life. For starters, this is like… the first time in the longest time that I’ve had a dream about her, and for that matter, something like this. It’s weird man. I will also admit to one thing. I still DO have tiny feelings for her. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still happy that she stopped reading this blog, but that’s pretty much for her own sake, and not really of mine. It’s bad for her to read the blog of her ex boyfriend; let’s just put it that way.

Despite still having a small amount of feelings for her, I still do not think of having her back, at least not for the time being. I do miss being in love however, and I do think back at the times when I was so much in love, but that’s pretty much it. I don’t think that Alexis is the one for me. It’s fun for now, but that’s pretty much all it is. A little bit of fun.

That doesn’t answer the main question though. Why on earth would I dream of her getting engaged to her current boyfriend, and why on earth do I care, because I know I do if not just a little bit. I am trying to search for answers within myself, but it’s seriously perplexing at this point.

I really am not looking to get into things again. I mean that as a general statement, not really a directed answer at her or anything. Yet why. Blah. Train of thought minds is still in a mess.

Look, I don’t hate her for what she did, and for what is going on now. I may write like that sometimes, but I believe that I just like to vent a little bit at times, but it’s really not hate. I believe that I am pushing her towards it even. I believe that she did what she had to do to survive. I believe she did what was necessary, and I believe that I really needed to play the bad guy in that case, since she was reading my blog and I didn’t want her to have a shred of thought about me anymore, now that she has him. It may sound stupid, but I am stupid like that, and I do shit like this, deal with it. I wanted to be the bad guy to push her off me and tell her to go fuck off and deal with her new boyfriend, and not give a shit about me. I do it not because I hate her, or despise her, but… well, I do want the best for her still, and being attached to me in any single way, is not any way of achieving that.

Life is weird. I do weird things, but that’s honestly nothing new at this point. I don’t wish to be able to turn back time. Things happen for a reason, and I don’t pretend to understand their reasons all the time.

Life is just weird.

Apart

I feel it when we're apart
That I'm incomplete like a piece of me is
Missing deep in my heart
Like an ocean I can't find my way across
The bleeding won't stop
Until you return
Until you're safe here in my arms
Do you feel this pain?
Do you feel this way when we're apart?

HTC HD2 Revival.

This is the story of an old phone and the lengths I took in order to bring it back to life.

I have an old HTC HD2. It’s technically not my own though, as it’s my cousin’s old phone, that he stopped using and threw it pretty much to his younger brother, and then after his younger brother got a new phone, landed in my hands.

The thing runs on old Windows Mobile 6.5, and it has been around since about 2009 or early 2010. Back then in the early days, it was flashed over to android from gingerbread, all the way to Jellybean until recently I decided to flash over Windows Phone 7.8 onto it.

I felt that it was the best OS for this dated phone, but with one caveat; somehow each time I tried to access the marketplace, I needed an activation ID. Bear in mind this flash is also an XDA flash over, meaning that it’s not an official release of Windows Phone 7 for this phone. So anyway, I read on the XDA forums that what you had to do was to message Microsoft saying you wanna activate a HD7, and they'll give you the codes, so I did just that.

I messaged Microsoft, and I told them that I bought a HD7 second hand, and that I'm having trouble accessing the market place. I guess that they sort of wisened up a bit since a few people have been doing this, so what happened was that they asked me for a proof of purchase, together with a photo of the front and back on the phone.

So I thought to myself... hmmm... Okay, I know how to do this. First I told them that since the phone is second hand from the seller, I don't have a receipt, and for the images of the phone, instead of going through Google images or eBay, I went into Taobao, which is this Chinese eBay sort of website, and using Google translate, I looked for second hand HD7 images

I sent them these.

Legit photos of a HTC HD7.

Then they said... well, that's fine and dandy, now we want a photo of you hand writing your name, your email, and your phone number, on a piece of paper, next to the phone, which shows the activation screen.

I was like... damn.... but... Challenge accepted.

The first quest was to look for a photo of the HD7 which was clean enough, and was easy to duplicate the scene. Once again, Taobao.

The phone was on lock screen though, and there's no screen protector with scratches on it like on the first images I sent them.

No matter.

Now I needed the activation screen. I took my DSLR out and I took a real photo in a similar angle of my real HD2.

Done. I had the activation screen.

Now all I needed as my last component, was the background in which to play it all in. It had to be similar angle to the first image of the HD7 with the lockscreen, with enough lighting information to pass it off. Okay.

After a few tries, I decided it was best to use my Note 3 camera instead of a DSLR, and to try and imitate flash at that same position that the reflection was at.

After that, it was a matter of compounding the images together. Blending, colour grading, making sure the blending worked perfectly, passing it through a lot of exposure, levels, and colour balancing filters.

Sent this in to them, and it flew like a kite.

• Photoshopped on scratches
• Screen protector with lifting edges
• Blended in the new activation screen into the HD7 image
• Added a bit of noise filters and passes
• Made it look like it was from a shitty camera
• Adjusted the angle and orientation
• Painted on some shadows and noise

yep.

She breathes a new life now, and all that much happier for it.