Strange Behaviour

You know, I’ve written in about a lot of things these past few days. Lately, it’s been more about moving on from Alexis and just getting on with my life, trying to perhaps see if I can make things work out with Steph, if we have an opportunity to be something more than just friends and stuff. See, I write this shit, but during the span of the last couple of days, things have been weird for me.

Back then, when I tried to contact her often, she didn’t seem to have any problem with ignoring me and just not thinking about me, moving on with her life just fine, even like seemingly finding a new guy, talking about stuff and shit. Now that I’ve sort of given in, leaving things alone and just trying to move on, I find that she’s trying to talk to me more often instead and I honestly find it unnervingly strange.

See, maybe the first time around wasn’t so bad. Initially she messaged me out of the blue a couple of days ago, and she said that both her parents are really sick, that’s why she hasn’t really been talking, that she’s been taking care of her sister and them, trying to get things in shape I suppose. I told myself, that that’s fine, and that she should take care of her parents, but that still didn’t excuse her from what she put me through those last couple of days, when I really was in bad shape over the whole entire thing. Whatever. She then talked about how she would come down to KL maybe twice and asked if I was okay with then and when I was free… I said whenever, because well… that’s pretty much the truth anyway. She then goes on and asks me if I was still on with making those Milo treats with her, something that I honestly brought up a fucking long time ago, and something that I really didn’t expect her to remember very much, but she did. Again, whatever. I told myself, that in the event that she did come down to KL, that she did come by my house and stuff, that I’d treat it as such, to treat her as just a friend and nothing more. It’s easier that way.

It’s like 4:22am now, and a few days since we last talked, honestly, I don’t keep track anymore. Middle of sleeping, she sends me the weirdest message, at 4 in the fucking middle of the night, telling me that if I ever do come to Malacca, to drop by La Bodega because there’s a guy at the bar there named Chris who can make me a Graveyard… like… wut? I mean, yeah I guess I talked about this kind of stuff before the drinking and what not, but this is beyond random for me. I don’t know what she’s playing at, I don’t even know if she’s drunk and stuff and just talking randomly, deciding to message me out of the blue.

Honestly, it sounds like she’s really trying to get into my good books again, for whatever reason. Maybe also, for whatever reason, it didn’t work out with her Sydney guy for reasons again, I can’t explain and that she wants to patch shit up with me. I don’t know, I’m not sure if I want to care anymore. She gets my care as a friend, but I don’t know if I want to give her anymore than just that.

Whatever, I’ll take things as they go. For now I’ll just reply as a friend.

 

Hamster off and out

Life, Happiness, Reason

What is happiness? What is it comprised of? What does it mean to live? What are we meant to do when we are alive? Surely there’s a greater overarching purpose for everything. Why am I here? What am I meant to do? Questions that are bugging me at this very point, and no, they’re not inspired from the past… events with Alexis. No… just… feeling a bit lost and lack of purpose I guess.

Maybe it’s like some sort of mid life crisis when I’m only 27 hahaha Maybe this IS my mid life already. What does it mean to be alive though. Really. Do we just rock up to work every single day, pay off your house, pay off your debts, make children, support them, groom them and grow them up… Surely there’s more to life than just working all the time.

Perhaps more specifically, what is life for me. I start to realise that a lot of the decisions that I have made in my life, has revolved quite heavily around a person that I love. I worked to make it work. It kept me a live and beating, with a purpose, a strong one in fact. While I have always liked to identify myself as an individual with his own dreams, with recent things, I have somewhat realised that even I can be as fickle as the wind and its direction.

Prior to the build up with Alexis, I was trying to make it for myself back in Malaysia, convinced that maybe I’ll get somewhere and do something. With things with Alexis, suddenly I find myself wanting to try back for Australia again, and now that things are kinda in the shitter with her, I find that it has rolled back to being in Malaysia.

See, I know that Australia has a lot of benefits for people like me, and I would be able to make quite a decent living there too. I know as well that I would be giving up on a lot if I left Malaysia, with family, friends, foundation there. There are things in Australia that I can be excited about, but at the same time that would mean cutting ties with Malaysia for me. I don’t know how I feel about that.

On the other hand, earning an income in Malaysia would mean that I’m just stuck with a crappy wage, barely being able to support myself and whatever I have in the future. I would be giving up on what I believe could very well be a brighter future, and maybe one that would make me happier. I don’t know man. I just don’t know.

There’s Steph as well, which I just started talking to. I don’t think I have any feelings or emotions for her. To me she’s just an interesting person who looks cute. Maybe it’s just too soon to say. Maybe, but I honestly feel as well that she’s pretty much there for my convenience at this point in time, and I don’t know whether I would want it or not in the future. I really don’t know. I feel that going to Australia would cut my ties with her as well, but at the same time, I wonder what it’s all worth. She’s just a friend to me, so I don’t know why I’m so hesitant about that as well. It feels like I’m just holding on because it’s a chance for me to get together with someone new right off the bat… and I don’t know how I feel about that.

It’s a good thing I’m writing this all out then. I think I’ve some what come down to a conclusion of my own. While it makes me sad to leave whatever I have here behind, I think in the end, it may just be the best thing I can do for my future. It feels like while I have a lot going for me in Malaysia, staying in Malaysia would be a surefire way to settle into complacency :\

See, in the end, I was right then. I’m not doing it for Alexis as much as I’m doing it for myself. Steph and I talked yesterday, and I think a lot of what she said has ties to the baggage that she’s endured throughout the years. She made it sound a lot as if if ever I get Australia, I would abandon her and get together with Alexis. I don’t particularly think that to be true. I gave her my fairest ansewr, in that I believe that everyone should have second changes, and I refuse to judge them as if they’re going to use me and stuff like that. I like giving people a benefit of a doubt, especially people I care about. Maybe then Steph is a bad idea. Maybe she’s just really… pessimistic about shit. Steph aside, maybe it’s just better for me to be in Australia and start anew, start fresh.

Yeah. All those sound perfectly wonderful actually. I think I at least know my answers now, at least for the time being. I think I’m good. I think.

 

Hamster off and out.

Mild Melancholia

I haven’t really written in much in these past few days. In actuality, there’s actually been a lot that has been happening and going down, but just so much for me to swallow, too much in fact that I feel lost within in all, and drowning in my own thoughts, ideas and worries. I think the best way to say this is that it’s mostly self inflicted, but that’s not exactly unexpected right?

Long story short, I had a few breakdowns these past few days, over the self imposed revolution that she had found a new guy, and was just starting to ignore me and my existence. I mean, I don’t know how true this all is in the end, but she did reply me a few days later and said that she wasn’t just ignoring me, but everyone else. I don’t know how I feel about that, as in many ways, it feels like a lie said to just make me feel better.

Either way, I don’t think much changes for me now. I have pretty much come to my own understanding and acceptance already, that she’s not going to be mine, and I don’t know how true this is, but it’s very true for me. Finding out that she’s kinda interested in someone else, and at the same time, not talking to me is difficult, but at least to me, I believe that the hard part is over. I already had my breakdowns when I found out the first time, and I guess it wasn’t as long as the ones I had in the past with TZ, but that’s kinda okay. I mean, sad to say, but I guess I’ve gotten used to dealing with grief these past few years so… yeah… Without the use of alcohol, I still find myself on top of my game with most of these things.

It’s sad of course, but what I said before in the past still stands very true for me as I type this out now. I only want her to be happy, because I love her. If her happiness really means being with someone else other than me, then I will accept that, I will smile, and I will move on. This is just how life is, and whether good or bad… well, that’s just how it is hahahaha. I don’t know this for sure of course, but I think that I’m quite right on the money with this. I doubt that any horoscope pertaining Venus the goddess of Love being exceptionally favourable towards me will be true, and even if it was, maybe it’s just not towards Alexis. Still, I am hoping for a good resolution towards things, even if it doesn’t involve me in the end.

I guess I can easily say that I’ve grown from all these experiences. I have actually stopped myself more than a few times from being unbearably angry, sending angry letters and so on so forth, instead letting her do things at her own pace. There are people who say that I shouldn’t be doing this, that I should just lay like some kind of smackdown on her, but I know that I’m not that kind of person; no, how can anyone do that to someone whom they care about, someone that they love? It’s just unthinkable for me to be honest.

Anyway, the way things are happening now… when she talks to me, she seems just a little bit troubled and distant, stressed. I told her that I know that she’s going through some stress right now and stuff, so I’m just going to be giving her space, as much as I can give her, but I want her to know that I’m always here for her if she needs me. While I would like a solid answer of course, there’s no real need to force her hand with any of this, to try and get an answer out of her. I think at this point in time, I’m fine with giving her her own time and space, and not going bat shit crazy about everything. Different people work differently, and I will respect that to the best of my ability. This is what it means to be me after all.

I know that she’ll come to her conclusion, and that she will talk to me about it. I trust in her to do that much at least. I know that a lot of what I’m thinking of right now with him and her and just speculations, but I believe that I have enough to go by at least to do a very good educated conclusion on what’s going on. The part that of course baffles me a bit, is her inability to come clean to me about it for whatever reason. Is she having second guesses? is she having difficulty letting me go? Does she just not want to break my heart? Is she just finding ways to tell it to me? All valid questions which will be answered in due time I suppose.

In the meantime, I’ll just be me, and steel my heart for the worse. After all, being the stronger one of the two… It’s the least I can do. We don’t force others to be strong like us, we guide them, and help them along the way, smiling. Even if things don’t go your way, it doesn’t mean that you have to ruin the lives of others or what you have built all this time, perhaps something that I screwed up with with my past relationship with Tze Ni.

But in the end it’s okay. I’m strong only because I’m stubborn and persistent. I will survive.

hamster off and out.

I can't wait for the daylight.

We're running, we're running
We can't stop now
Till we cross the border
We wanna, we wanna
Belong to someone
To find some order

We've reached the pinnacle of truth
Kept falling deeper into you
I couldn't keep you here that long
And now your light is gone
I can't wait
For the daylight
I can't wait
For the daylight

I can't wait
For the daylight
I can't wait
For the daylight
I can't wait for it
I can't wait for it
I can't wait for, wait for the daylight

I can't wait
For the daylight
I can't wait
For the daylight
I can't wait for it
I can't wait for it
I can't wait for, wait for the daylight

And I know, there was some good in you, you chose to hide it like you had something to prove

I awake,
From the dream,
That sends me right back when I first saw your face.
I look around,
Nothing's as it seems,
Because you're long gone, nothing but a memory, in my head.

I count the days,
I want to know,
How was it so easy for you to up and let me go?
And I lay still,
In pure defeat,
This war we're waging I'm the one who never could retreat.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
So many things we never said the things we never got to see.
Wait just a minute,
This isn't how it's supposed to end.
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember, me.

And after everything,
Why does it seem,
Like I'm the one who walks, smile, when I'm wanting to scream?
I hold my breath,
You hold the key,
You never took the time to see what's inside of me.

And I know, I know, I know,
It should get easier,
Yet I still wrestle with the thought of who you really were.

And I know, I know, I know,
There was some good in you;
You chose to hide it like you had something to prove.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to be,
I let the best of you slip right in and attach to me.

Wait just a minute!
This isn't how it's supposed to end,
Just do one thing for me and help this broken heart to mend.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and surrender.

Put your hands up,
put your hands,
put your hands up,
Put your hands up and remember,
me.

I don’t care if there’s tragedy or make believe, why you’re running from the dark, but I can’t be with you if you hide your heart

It’s been a while since you and I got together
And I knew when we met we could last forever
I’ve opened up so you can see
But you remain a mystery
Don’t you know it’s who you that I treasure?

I’m waiting for your heart to catch this fire
That’s strong enough to melt your closed down doors
Opening the gates of love,
Cause that’s how we go higher up
A place where I know everything gets better

I’ve been dying to know who you really are
You’ve been playing a role to cover up your scars
I don’t care if there’s tragedy or make believe, why you’re running from the dark
But I can’t be with you if you hide your heart

I’ve been dying to know who you really are
You’ve been playing a role to cover up your scars
I don’t care if there’s tragedy or make believe, why you’re running from the dark
But I can’t be with you if you hide your heart

It’s only you, who loves me like you do. Trying to keep it cool, but I can’t keep cool about it. Acting like a fool, wanna scream it from the roof. I’m trying to keep it cool, but I can’t keep cool about it

I saw stars on the pavement
California dreams
Looked up through the bright lights
No stars that I see

You said, "It’s all yours if you take it there."
I said, "I can’t do it alone, I swear."
You said, "It’s all yours,
It’s all yours when you smile."

It’s only you
Who loves me like you do
Trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it
Acting like a fool
Wanna scream it from the roof
I’m trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it (about it)

Before you, love, I was lost
Drifting at sea
You were the beacon I’d followed home
You were the one who rescued me

You said, "It’s all yours if you take it there."
I said, "I can’t do it alone, I swear."
You said, "It’s all yours,
It’s all yours when you smile."

It’s only you
Loves me like you do
Trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it
Acting like a fool
Wanna scream it from the roof
I’m trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it (about it)

You said, "Oh, whoa.
I won’t lose you, no, whoa."

It’s only you
Loves me like you do
Trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it
Acting like a fool
Wanna scream it from the roof
I’m trying to keep it cool
But I can’t keep cool about it (about it)

Week needs to pass quicker.

I haven’t really written in in a while. Not really a short while either, but at doesn’t really mean that nothing has been happening with me. Oh of course not. You know me right? There’s always something happening and going down with me ahahaha. At this point in time, I feel like I’ve fallen more and more in love with Alexis. I’m not exactly sure what will happen with us, but I guess even then I’m quite relaxed about it now.

She’ll be back to KL in a week or so. Ohhh excited doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m going through right now. Excited not necessarily because we’re going to at it again and try and make it work and stuff, but excited more because… well, I think this time around I may be getting the yes or the no? As much as I do want us to work out, I think I’m just happy if I can reach a resolution with all of this. I’m not sure how she feels about us, but hey, doesn’t hurt to find out, and if it isn’t good anymore, then so be it right?

A lot of things have been going down this past months. There are a lot of times where I feel like we’re going to work out in the end, and there are a few times where I am just doubtful of the entire thing. I can’t really say that I know which it is, but hey, I think that in the end, even if it doesn’t work out, I have tried my best and I will walk away still satisfied with the whole thing. I mean, of course I’d be a bit heartbroken, but if it’s for the better then why not right? :)

Funny how the days seem to pass so slowly now. The last time around, time and the days past really quickly, as she told me she was coming back to Malaysia a month before and those first 2-3 weeks passed relatively fast for me. Maybe I was a lot more busy then, that’s why. Still, this last month is seemingly long for me, and a lot of things have gone down in this past month, which makes me wonder if she’s really found someone else to be with already, and if so, why hasn’t she told me? I mean, why not right? Once you tell me that you’re seeing someone else already, I can just move on with my life and focus on other things. It doesn’t quite stop me from moving to Australia, but at least I would have one less thing to worry about anymore and that’s always a good thing.

Man I wish that time could pass faster. Just wondering what the answer could be is just driving me up the wall now hahaha. I’ve excepted any outcome at this point, but I guess I just want something solid to work with. Not exactly an unreasonable tihng to ask for is it?

 

hamster off and out

Stay with me until the end of time. I am centered, I'm renewed I am whole again tonight… with you

A Sea of Stars above me
A stream of shadows pass me by
Their bodies glow, their eyes blink
Their fingers miles apart from mine
We pad our our hearts with static
And wander the earth alone
Til sparks ignite and light the way back home

Fall with me into the arms of night
And guide me through the storm
Til we reach the other shore

Stay with me until the end of time
I am centered, I'm renewed
I am whole again tonight
With you

So carry me away,
Carry me away