Doing some blogging on this page after a long long time. I feel the need to do so today. I’ve been noticing that she hasn’t really been checking my blog as of recent, and that makes me more inclined to blog again, as I feel more and more as if I’m blogging for myself more than for her to read, and to be fair, I wanted just that little bit of privacy, as the contents I’m about to blog into as well, aren’t particularly things that I want her to see. I know that there’s that possibility that at some point, she will probably read my blog again, but lets hope that by the time that comes, this post will be long buried, and the events that transpired today would have long passed and would have been nothing more of a distant memory to me.
I went out today with Denny and my brother to watch World War Z. Good movie btw. I really enjoyed watching it. After the movie however, as we were exiting the movie theater, two people caught my attention infront of me. The girl and the guy who was in front of me, though I could only really see their back, reminded me of her. She dressed like her, she wore almost something I swear I saw her wore before on our dates, and I swear, her movements were similar to her. The guy she was with as well, based on silhouettes reminded me of her new guy as well.
Needless to say, I was taken back. I knew that through all my logical cognitive processes, that that couldn’t possibly be her. She would still be in London, as her and her friends have just got back from… What’s that place, the… uhm… Rio or something not long ago. I know this not because I stalked her, but because I saw some status updates with her travelling with a mutual friend, and I saw that mutual friend posting photos in Rio, and I saw that that mutual friend would have just gotten back to London. By that logic alone, I knew, I just knew that it would be almost impossible for her to be back in Malaysia, let alone KL, and let alone with her new boyfriend. Even then, for her to visit the place that I used to take her a lot on dates when we were still together… to me would just be this massive stabbing in the heart. Even then, even with all this cognitive reasoning and logic behind me, I just had to know.
Before I knew it, my mind was clouded, finding out whether it really was her was taking me over, that it was really all that I could think about. After a while, I had realised that I walked ahead of Denny and my brother, without myself realising it, and trying to get glimpses of them, without getting too close. Of course, when they headed to the toilets, I had more than a chance to see them, and yes, of course, it’s not them. What was I thinking, of course it wouldn’t be. Why on earth would it be. Again, why do I care?
Like it or not, I start to wonder if I really am over her, even though I tell my self that I am. I’ll admit to thinking about her from time to time, and the things that we were, and the emotions that came with it, however, I’ll also admit to never ever considering us getting back together. I just wouldn’t want it at this point in time. Even so, I start to wonder if that really has anything to do with the state of which I’m in at the moment, unable to love another as I did before. Could it be that because subconsciously I don’t want to love another? I really don’t want to think about it, but the thought crosses my mind, and I don’t discount it as possibly being the truth.
Still, I’m hot and bothered about it, and it really puts my mind into quite the mess. I need a drink. I need to clear this nastiness out of my head.
Hamster off and out.
