The Male Disadvantage.

Is it bad to say that these days I feel as if I'm not as happy being in a relationship than I have been being alone? It probably is, but if it's the truth and it's what I feel then I don't think I should shy away from writing about it, especially in my own private space.

I feel that in this modern day and age, the male is at a disadvantage. Despite a lot of what is said and done, we're expected to be a lot of things, and majority of the time, if and when anything goes wrong, it is most certainly our fault first. A failing relationship? the guy. Someone cheated in a relationship? the guy.

I bring this up because the other day she brought up that many people including her parents have told her that guys just cheat and it's in their blood or something and that she should be wary of me cheating in the future. I took great offence in this, although maybe I didn't really show it that much. I've never had any history of cheating or being unfaithful, in fact in many times I've been fucking faithful in all my relationships, and yet there I was put in a situation in which my WIFE just tells me that she is wary of me cheating on her because that's apparently what everyone has told her of what guys are and that I'm just prone to it or something, and that I'll do it? if that's not incredibly offensive and stupid then I don't know what is. In fact, maybe if she comes here and read this one day, I want her to know this, because it's INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID TO INSINUATE SUCH A THING. IT'S INCREDIBLY INSULTING AND I TAKE A GREAT DEAL OF OFFENSE to it.

Fuck.

How about looking at everyone as fucking human for a change? How about that? How about maybe stop grouping people and stereotyping them with this drivel and garbage? What makes it any better than racism or profiling? nothing. abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

Not just that. The whole reason that I'm sitting here writing this down at 5 in the morning even though I'm tired as hell, is because I feel that within this relationship, I have tried my best to do things for her. Many thing for her, and she may not even appreciate or understand the lengths at which I went to to make it happen, yet when ANYTHING goes wrong, it is instantly my fault, and I get told that I don't appreciate her. It is INCREDIBLY DEMORALISING, and I don't know if she knows this or not. When you do your best for the person, but every single "mistake" that you make that you make is nitpicked as hell and everything you've done up till now is based on that, even if maybe it wasn't intentional or meant to be taken like that. Everything is thrown and construed as if it's my fault.

You know what? It's extremely tiring. It's tiring and exhausting to have to deal with that every single time. It really is. I hate it. You ask why I have no libido? Well, it's hard to get a hard one for someone who keeps treating you like this, and then they expect you to still love them like nothing ever happened. It's hard.

It's hard, because while I realise this may also be unfair for me to say, but I feel that she hasn't done much for me in return. I try very hard to protect her when my family says something bad for her, I defend her, I try and explain situations between the two and act as a mediator, but when I am straight up not appreciated, and told that I don't appreciate her or don't do anything for her? I just feel... so.... fucking.... tired. I really do.

I'd rather just bury myself in work and not care about anything else.

I'd rather not think about it.

But maybe I should. She's always been keen on the idea of visiting a marriage counselor, maybe we should do it, then maybe she'll have someone else to also tell her that honestly, she's been behaving very selfishly, and I'm not the only one who feels this way it seems.

I never expected marriage to be perfect, but at this rate, I feel happier when I was single without a girlfriend or a wife than now when I am with someone for life.

I don't like this feeling though. I want to change it, and I want to make it work, but if you're asking me right now on how I feel about the whole thing, it would really be that.

But maybe that's just how it is in this modern era right? if anything goes wrong, it's always the guy's fault.

Oh, the guy cheated

Oh, the guy didn't appreciate the wife

Oh, the guy didn't spend as much time with her

Oh, the guy fell out of love

Oh, the guy.

The guy.

Sometimes, it’s hard to breathe.

I can’t remember the last time that I’ve really written on here. I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve opened and installed this app. Honestly, I was somewhat on that verge of giving it and this entire blog up completely you know, as like some kind of signifier of moving on and not needing it anymore, but I guess it’s really times like these when I feel that I can’t really talk or express myself anywhere else that I rely on this blog the most.

I still do know that she (you know who you are) reads this blog from time to time, but she hasn’t done so in a while, and even if she does come back, I don’t really care, it’s really up to her.

These days I just feel like I’m pegged and overwhelmed from all corners that I just can’t keep up with anything. I’d like to say that things have been working out smoothly and that life is going good and perfect and what not but the truth is that it really hasn’t, and I’m kind of stressed out about that, though maybe I really shouldn’t be; after all, you can’t really control everything, neither should you try.

But it’s the days when the family and the wife and the job and everything around me just gives me a hard time that I just feel so tired and just so… drained that I don’t really feel like doing anything… Well, that’s not really true, I do feel like doing something, but I don’t wish to write it out.

Just stupid expectations from each party and them just jumping to conclusions without any shred of intent of sitting down and understanding one another just pisses me off really, and when they turn it on me as if it’s my fault that’s when I get really irritated.

I can’t be there to fix everything. I try my best to make sure everything works out fine. I try my best to make sure that everyone is included and doesn’t feel left out, but you know what, sometimes shit happens and it’s just not something that I can control, and so I don’t see why I have to be blamed for it. It’s as if all these people are just kids refusing to listen to one another and then just turning on me. I hate it. I just fucking hate it.

She complains I don’t have any libido or that I don’t do anything romantic and sweet anymore. Sure I’ll give her that, but the ones I do she just looks past it and doesn’t see it, and honestly, with all the shit that is going on with me trying to sort out my job, my life, my family, all this bullshit and crap that is happening in between, can you really blame me for just not feeling up to doing anything like that? yes, It’s been months, but that’s just how long this shit has been going on that it’s been affecting me.

Albert as well. fucking albert. Investor he said, coming in to help us he said, trying to inject money into us as a company he said. All I’ve seen so far is just talk and empty talk and it’s just extremely demoralising. I’m on my wits ends here and I’m even using my own salary to try and support the company to keep everything going, while trying not to bring any of these troubles back home to worry anyone. Yes, I’m trying to solve this shit by myself, but honestly, the only one that can really solve it is me anyway, and no one else.

I don’t know, I think at this point I’m going to have to go around looking for funding yet again, but the easiest way to look for funding is with a product , and low and behold, you need money to buy time to make a damn product to try and push it for funding. I’m trying very hard to figure out what to do. What to do next. How the hell am I going to make this work. At the same time, thinking about all of this is just making me really stressed out that I just revert to doing my Youtube stuff because that’s the one thing these days that gives me some kind of joy and gratification however stupid and meaningless it is, even if I’m getting paid for it. I don’t know.. fuck. I don’t know. I know that I can’t rely on Youtube to give me a living so yeah, I have to focus on my main company, but it’s just so fucking demoralising these days you know? It’s just so bloody difficult every single day… Maybe I’m just thinking about things too hard and too seriously and too difficultly and that everything is much more simple than they really are/ I mean, historically, it’s always been like that… so maybe… just maybe.

Sigh. I don’t know. I’m trying but I don’t know if I’m doing it right.

I feel like I’m losing my sanity.